Pottermore & Virtual Reality

Today I saw a link the following website put together by J.K. "Awesome" Rowling, http://www.pottermore.com/. If you go to the site, you'll see the following:

I must admit, I'm sweaty with anticipation. But for what? Here are some rumors from jotzoom.com of what Pottermore is:

• It’s a social networking site for Harry Potter fans
• It’s a Harry Potter branded smart phone
• It’s a Harry Potter encyclopedia
• It’s an online Harry Potter MMORPG game
• It’s a iOS game for iPhone, Ipad
• It’s a new series of Harry Potter related books
• It’s a prequel book to Harry Potter
• Another Harry Potter theme park, possibly in the UK
• A new official Harry Potter fan site 

All noble guesses, but there can only be one. Its time for Nostra-Fletch-a-Damus to take over and declare the future!

Pottermore will be a Massively Multi-player Online Role-playing Game or Harry Potter and the MMORPG. (Pronouced "more-pig" - yes bacon lovers rejoice.) For those of you who don't know what that is: 

MMORPG "is a genre of role-playing video games in which a very large number of players interact with one another within a virtual game world." Think Everquest, etc. You know the never ending games people get addicted to and wind up getting divorced or kicked out of school over. You must think I'm joking. But people get very serious about their MMORPGs:

http://gamersushi.com/2010/11/22/todays-wtf-virtual-mmo-real-estate-sold-for-335000/

Yes, people spend some serious bucks for their fantasy life. Soon all of the Pottermaniacs can create their own avatar, buy a wand from Olivander and actually attend Hogwarts! (after spending $10,000 on tuition). I can't wait to hear Snape lecture potions, or stroll down Diagonally and try on the latest dress robes, maybe spend a year practicing to play in the Quidditch world cup, or pet a Norwegian Ridge Back!

But here is where Nostra-Fletch-a-Damus is going to get bold. Virtual Reality MMORPGs will become the greatest addiction to mankind on the planet. In the "not too distant future" in the "cyberden of tomorrow" you may go to work for 6 hours a day and spend 10 in the virtual world of your choice. Kevin Flynn certainly got stuck in his virtual world in Tron Legacy and the Lawnmower Man got crazy smart living in a computer. Why can't I become the most powerful wizard in the virtual world of Pottermore? Or fight Darth Vader in the carbon freezing chamber on Bespin? 

But this goes beyond just games. A business conference call could now take place with everyone in the same room. Long Distance relationships? A thing of the past. And if any female readers think there are no perks, how about shopping for clothes or a trip to the spa? Sticking your crazy kids into a cyber trampoline center while you take a nap?

This all sounds nuts to me. But how far off are we from achieving this? NFAD is not sure, but since I've already predicted the world will end on April 6, 2033 http://fletchword.blogspot.com/2010/01/teotwawki.html, the VR MMORPGs people better get moving. I now predict it will happen by 2025. After the Anti-Christ rules the VR MMORPG world for eight years and people give up on the reality God created for them, the Lord will come to reclaim us from our misguided attempts at happiness. Perhaps that is how everyone will see the sign of his comming? We'll all be hooked up to a VRMMORPG. Only those with the faith to unplug themselves will go out to meet Him while the rest burn as they cling to an artificial world ruled by the devil. 

Hold Music

I got stuck on the phone today with some hold music that wasn't bad at first, but after 5 minutes, the clapping drove me nuts. I now share it with you:

And no post on this subject is complete without the following Star Wars parody:

I swear I'm not that bored, just compelled by odd things today.

BTW - In my last post I should have said the Jim Carey "A Christmas Carol" flick based on the Dickens Classic and Polar Express theme should be renamed "A Halloween Carol." It practically scared my kids to death! What's with the Ghost of Christmas Present turning into a laughing skeleton blown away by the wind? Someone fell off the Polar Express and forgot this is a kids Christmas movie. Oh well...

Middle of June

A few random hits for the summer thus far:

• Movie: Hereafter - I heard this was an awful movie, but actually rather enjoyed it. Perhaps it was due to shouting "BDH!!!" every time Bryce Dallas Howard was on screen, who knows? The whole twins thing and the depressing music was great. The Tsunami scene at the beginning made the whole time investment worthwhile. And once again, we have a movie with French people acting like superior self-absorbed, jerks. Good times.

• Movie: Rabbit Hole - Despite the WORST title of all times for a movie, I decided to pick this up at the Red Box. This movie is like rubbing your face against an emotional cheese grater for 2 hours. Its one ugly conversation after another. Nothing in this movie showed that grief can also be beautiful and a necessary part of life. Ekhart's failed seduction scene with the Al Green music was pretty dang awesome. But outside of that, near the end I started wishing a Rabbit Hole would allow me to escape from the film. But I rarely give up on a movie and saw this out to the bitter end. The only fun I managed to have during this movie was yelling "YANG!" at the actress from Grey's Anatomy and telling her to scrub up for surgery. 

• Talking to Movies - I have a problem with that lately. 

• Eating Bugs - The Lizard and I have taken to doing evening bike rides. Can I just say how wonderful it is when your kids are old enough to do things like this instead of watch Sponge Bob and demand ice cream? The only downside is swallowing a mosquito and having it wriggle around in the back of your throat for 10 minutes. Lizard handled an 8 mi ride with flying colors and no complaints. Perhaps its time to get her a road bike and start training for the Tour de France?

• LBJ = Choke Artist - LeBron, you want 7 titles? At this pace you'll be lucky to get 1 or 2 if you keep choking to death in the 4th Quarter. However, the Karma Factor should be considered here. Dirk got hosed by the officiating in Miami in 2006. Perhaps the Universe was just giving it back to him with a sick Game 2 comeback and then a close-out win in Game 6 in Miami? I'm no Mavs lover, but it was good to see Dirk and Kidd win a title and get off "The List" of great NBA players with no ring.

• Chrome Convert - Yes CA, I have converted all of my work and home browsing to Chrome and am LOVING it! Things really do run smoother, faster and I feel a little less evil... Heck, even my work is moving our email provider over to Gmail. We'll still keep our domain, but all of the storage, etc. will be on Gmail when I'm away from my lappie or phone. Does this mean Google is now becoming as evil as Microsoft if I'm using them so much?

• Geeking Out - I want to know what character I should be for the midnight session of HPDH Part Duex - The movie experience of a GENERATION. Yes, I commit here and now to dress up and take pictures. 

I Love the Wind

Lately, we've had a consistent breeze here in the Mile High City. Not necessarily a blustery day like Pooh dealt with, but a mild wind, nothing strong enough to give you serious problems or ruin a picnic. Although I'm not out reveling in it, I'm enjoying it. I wouldn't be surprised to see the ghost of Patrick Swazye show up and start serenading me with "She's Like the Wind" on my back porch as I watch the sun go down. What could be better? 

But I've heard several people complain that this gentle caress of air is driving them nuts.

????

What's so bad about a breeze? Here are reasons why our recent air flow is a good thing. 

1. Keeps the air fresh and the smog away making our skyline beautiful.
2. Evening breezes help cool off the house reducing the need for AC and energy savings
3. Saving energy saves the planet and makes you a good person regardless of how you live.
4. Wind Turbines and tax dollars to build them are suddenly justified.
5. The Bible says being born of the Spirit is like the Wind. (St. John 3:8). The Bible further references wind 158 times.
6. The wind is a gentle reminder from God or the Universe (whatever you prefer) that he is still there even if you can't see him.
7. Sports - Kite flying, sailing, wind surfing, hang gliding, parasailing, snowskiting and ice boating. Are you ready to give those up?
8. Think of all the manual laborers grateful for a breeze to help cool them off as they perform back breaking labor.
9. The Legend of Zelda - Wind Waker.
10. A breeze for football players on a two-a-day in August is a gift indeed.

The list could go on an on, but I've made my point. Whether you are a member of the Green religion worried about your carbon footprint or Old School religion and worried about salvation, white collar, blue collar, athletic or artistic, you should love the wind.

And now to honor the wind I list the 10 greatest songs about the wind.

1. "Wind of Change" - Scorpions
2. "Dust in the Wind" - Kansas
3. "She's Like the Wind" - Patrick Swazye
4. "Summer Breeze" - Seals & Croft
5. "Candle in the Wind" - (Sir) Elton John
6. "Blowin in the Wind" - Peter Paul & Mary - Bob Dylan
7. "Ride like the Wind" - Christopher Cross
8. "Wind beneath my Wings" Bette Midler
9. "Against The Wind," - Bob Seger
10. "Rock you like a Hurricane" - Scorpions

The Scorpions make the list twice and are thus the greatest "Wind" band of all times. If you are still struggling with the wind, contact me and I'll send you a CD of the Top 10 Winds songs absolutely free!! You'll get that fine, breezy feelin back. I'll say it again: what could be better?

The Future of Movie Franchises

And now for a taste of things to come:

Laugh all you want. This is the future. I'm excited for the 4 new movies to be made off of the final Batman film and my head is going to explode thinking about the Justice Leauge and the Avengers.

Turkey in the Eagle's Nest

Tonight I attended a Court of Honor and was obliged to join the "Eagle's Nest" where all those valiant in scouting to the rank of Eagle reside in glory. But some like me perch in shame.

Behind nearly every Eagle is a great threat. Here are some I've heard over the years:

• No driver's license till Eagle
• Can't participate in a sport or activity
• Denial of college support/tuition
• General shunning from parents outside of legally required support
• Pouring honey in hair while asleep (no joke)

I come from a line of Scouting. For my father, Scouts was like sports for me. Going to Philmont was like the Superbowl in Dallas with the big screen. His father got the Silver Beaver and by heaven, his offspring would have their Eagle. When he tragically died on the Klondike, my Eagle became not just a goal, but an unbreakable blood oath. So I add my threat to the list (never issued to me, but clearly implied by the Universe):

• DON'T SHAME THE MEMORY OF YOUR DECEASED FATHER WHO DIED IN THE ACT OF SCOUTING.

Even a boneheaded teenager can get that one... Barely. I got my life rank by the time I was 13 and it only took me a mere 5 years to complete my project and get my Eagle 2 days before turning 18. I pause now to thank the multiple leaders who made Herculean efforts to get my project approved, completed and written up. And it all starts as a cub scout getting their Bobcat badge and being flipped upside down.


A taste of things to come?

I think if the parents did over 70% of the work, the Eagle award should be presented while the father has the son in an excruciating arm bar. Then, the mother pins the badge directly into their son's flesh. The screams of agony would be like the birth of a new baby Eagle.  

I was free from shaming my father's memory, but I was now bound to a life of being a Turkey in the Eagle's Nest. Can I tie a bowline hitch? Throw a hatchet through a log at 25 yards? Repel dysentery through sheer intestinal fortitude? No.

I am a disgrace.

I don't own a scout uniform anymore. I don't fancy wearing hankies around my neck. I'm not sure I can name all of the ranks correctly in order right now or recite the scout law. I know many non-Mormons find our approach to rushing kids through the Eagle (such as me) disgraceful. So why do I sit in the Eagle's nest? My mother worked too hard for me not to. If I rejected the nest, I would be rejecting the sacrifice of my parents.

Will I impose the Eagle standard on my own son? No.

I will encourage him and help, but no threats. I declare this here and now in the presence of you three readers!!

Why? If he gets his Eagle, I want him to be able to hold his head up in the Eagle's Nest with clear eyes and a full heart. Able wrestle a bear into submission, lash massive towers together with elaborate knots and eat things that would make a Billy-goat puke. The way a real Eagle should be.

Comic Book Movies: For Chicks?

Last week I got to crash girls night out at the Wednesday night movies. They were planning to see THOR and I figured my man card would remain intact...

Boy was I wrong. Before tip-off the girls were already giggling over the hunky guy playing the legendary, ripped, THOR. Within one minute, Natalie Portman hits THOR with her van and seeing this stud on the ground exclaims, "Please don't be dead!"

That basically summed it up. To further my point, I know a high school senior who went to see this during some off periods in the middle of the day and reported the theater was FULL of women. How did we get here? I blame 300. Here is a quote from from firstshowing.net:

"For women, the entire movie is eye candy. For 2 hours you get to stare at the hottest guys with unbelievable 8-pack abs fighting tirelessly for their homeland wearing hardly any clothes. It's almost like "Guy's Gone Wild" (but, thank goodness, for the sake of men, it's not that bad). Even if you're not a big fan of Gerard Butler, you've got 299 others to choose from. I hope to see all you ladies out at the theaters this weekend! From what I've seen and what I've heard, these are pretty accurate and you'll be guaranteed a good time."

I'm sure studio execs love the idea of tapping the other 50% of the population to see their $200 million dollar movies. So this summer, we have the blond Norse Stud, effectively CGI naked Green Lantern and Captain Underwear Model (America). If I go see one of these movies with another guy, are we suddenly on a date?

Is there any hope? We have one Batman film left, which does not appear to pander to women the way some recent comic book films have. Next, Nolan will put his spin on The Man of Steel (I'm assuming fully clothed). But the door to the temple of comic book movies has been kicked in and chicks are overrunning the altar of man-movies.

If I were a Vegan in High School

This really does sound like the crap I used to listen to in HS. You have to stick with this for a few minutes to get the full effect!

Hawaiian Tourist

Eight days and a fierce ankle sunburn have brought our trip to the Hawaiian islands to a close. Here is a brief breakdown of the trip.

Friday – 3 connections to arrive at Oahu and scenic drive to the north to Turtle Bay, BYU Hawaii and the Polynesian Cultural Center (PCC). Constant Rain. Started temple session at 11:00 PM Denver time. Luckily we move from room to room, however I’m still nodding off toward the end. Best meal during the trip? The temple cafeteria. Pulled chicken and potato curry over rice with peas. May not sound special, but I kid you not… Perhaps atmosphere really is everything with food.

 

The PCC

Saturday – Mile swim in the pool during the monsoon. We intended to hit up the Hukilau Café for lunch as it was featured on Man vs. Food, but alas it is only open for breakfast. After cursing bitterly and spitting into the dust, we head over to the Laei Drive-In due to a good rating on Tripadvisor. It was grease upon grease. Totally disgusting. Fully lubed, we head over to look at the BYU Pineapple and then on to the PCC.

Polynesian Cultural Center – Upon pulling into the parking lot I realized this place is Disneyland but instead of Tomorrow Land and Frontier Land, you have areas for various island cultures such as Tonga, Samoa, Fiji, Hawaii, etc. Our BYU-P hosts take our “family” from village to village. It was an awesome day of throwing sticks at each other, swinging ceremonial balls and eating raw Poi. I especially loved the drum session in Tonga with audience participation and the Samoan presentation on how to harvest Coconuts. They actually had some kid book up a palm tree in a matter of 5 seconds. In an era full of litigation, I was pleased they had no safety harness or mats for this kid to fall on. Raw and authentic, just the way I like it. The Luau was great, aside from sharing it with 500 other guests and being herded through a buffet line. The raw Salmon was tasty and I loved the purple Poi based rolls. Of course the Kaluha pig roasted in the earth all day was perfectly moist and delicious.

I must say by the end of the Luau, I was pretty Poly’d out. But determined to get the full experience, we headed to the gift shop so we could pass an hour and attend the final event… HA – The Breath of Life. It was an amazing show, but our Denver clocks still registered 11:30 PM when the show started. After a host of dances blade throwing, Haka and 15 incredible fire dancers, I was done. But wait! We hung on long enough to rip a pearl out of the flesh of some poor oyster slave. We discarded its body and shell and proceeded back to Turtle Bay where I pulled the fork out of my abdomen and fell asleep.

Sunday – Happy Mother’s Day with no kids! After another hearty breakfast of oatmeal, we headed over to the chapel next to the Temple for Church. I have to say most Polynesians when they are stateside love to start a talk with “Brothers and Sisters, ALOHA!” (they then coach the audience to say ALOHA back – but its never enthusiastic enough). As the first speaker approached, I was prepared…

[Speaker] “Brothers and Sisters, aloha.”

[Congregation] aloha.

My heart sank. The vigor for a hearty ALOHA! reciprocation only appears to be necessary stateside. Back home, they only go through the motions so they don’t come off as fully hypocrites. Forcing me to sit back down, the Boss and I enjoyed the rest of the service being much edified by several musical numbers and colorful speakers.

Next we headed to Pearl Harbor. We took in the museums and the USS Arizona movie before taking a ferry to the memorial over the remains of the ship. Pretty sobering experience and my gratitude for those who served went up a couple of notches that day.

Week of 5/6-5/12 - Work conference. Being in the same place as last year felt like deja vu. On Thursday we got out on a catamaran and snorkeled for 2 hours. There was a family of 5 sea turtles that were amazing. But of course, I was unprepared with no underwater camera, so I have no proof. On Friday/Saturday we hit Front Street in Lahina and its 10,000 art galleries and ate at Cheeseburger in Paradise. - Yes, Kobe beef really is tasty. Especially when its wrapped in BACON.

I stopped crying long enough to take this photo

The flight home? I don't remember it because I hit two Unisom before the flight. It was good to get home. I missed the kids screaming at me and the good times we have together. May the spirit of ALHOA remain with you. Always.

Kid History

There are a bunch of these but this was my favorite. My face hurt I was laughing so much. ENJOY!!!



Is it just me or do these guys seem right out of Provo?

Better Marriage Blanket

While I'm on the kick of AWESOME commercials, check this out.

"The same type of fabric used by the military to protect against chemical weapons." - AWESOME. Guess what the boss is going to get me for Christmas? Much less humiliating than that blasted nose hair trimmer - which I have never used.

But wait! - I'm not so sure this blanket is a marriage saver. It might even be a marriage destroyer. If I were a cruel husband, I could see this blanket being used as a WMD when the "covered wagons" come to town unexpectedly. (MWHAHAHAHAH!)

This begs the question, how long would I have to sleep on the couch if I employed this special blanket in a prank? Is it even forgivable? I previously posted on an article that said crimes of betrayal in the marraige bed are essentailly unforgivable. I think going covered wagons with this blanket qualifies. So women, consider the consequences before you rush out to the store to buy one of these for the man you unfortunately sleep next to.

Gator's Next Christmas

I would have killed for this as a kid.



Needless to say, if I can find one on Ebay, Gator will be thrilled next Christmas as we turn our yard into Swiss Cheese.

Movie Club: Limitless

Welcome back to my movie club of one. I just saw Limitless, a great origin film about a contemporary superhero with no tights, slogans or comic book affiliation. What is his power? The hero is given a drug called NZT which allows him to access 100% of his brain, rather than the 1%-10%  humans normally do. This allows him to remember every martial arts move in a fight or fact about the stock market when trading. The downside is coming off the high and becoming a drug addict. The movie has a good pace, some fun editing and Bradley Cooper does a great job as an addict. I heartily recommend the film. Now, I'll get into my rant after watching the movie. Spoilers ahead and you'll get completely lost if you are unfamiliar with LDS doctrine.

At the end of the movie, the smartest guy in the world goes into politics??? OK. That's not my real issue. At the end of the movie, the hero used his uber-brain to refine the drug and make it safe and non-addictive. I started wondering, if a pill like that was available, would I take it? Yes. I think I would. Then the Boss said, what if the Church said no? And I wondered, if the church said no, does that mean God want us to be stupid?

I believe the capacity to use our minds to the full extent is there, why do we not do it or have it? Is the test of choosing to love God and our fellowman, keeping the commandments and enduring to the end easier if we are dumb? If we have too much intellect would the trial of faith be too easy? Or perhaps it would be too difficult? Nephi says:

"O that cunning plan of the evil one! O the vainness, and the frailties, and the foolishness of men! When they are learned they think they are wise, and they hearken not unto the counsel of God, for they set it aside, supposing they know of themselves, wherefore, their wisdom is foolishness and it profiteth them not. And they shall perish.

But to be learned is good if they hearken unto the counsels of God."

From this, I get that being smart is a good thing, if you are obedient. So why not send everyone to Earth with 100% brain activity? Clearly the veil is meant to separate us from the vast majority of what we have in our minds. Think about it. We've existed for a very, very long time and probably have massive amounts of knowledge in there somewhere. Would 100% brain activity mean we could remember the pre-existence and make the test of mortality pointless? I think this may be the case. The veil allows us to see what's in our hearts, not our minds.

We came here to get bodies, which carry tremendous power. I like to think of life as a driving test to see what type of car we can be entrusted with. Consider cars described in D&C 88:28-32:

"They who are of a celestial spirit shall receive the same body which was a natural body; even ye shall receive your bodies, and your glory shall be that glory by which your bodies are quickened.

Ye who are quickened by a portion of the celestial glory shall then receive of the same, even a fulness.

And they who are quickened by a portion of the terrestrial glory shall then receive of the same, even a fulness.

And also they who are quickened by a portion of the telestial glory shall then receive of the same, even a fulness.

And they who remain shall also be quickened; nevertheless, they shall return again to their own place, to enjoy that which they are willing to receive, because they were not willing to enjoy that which they might have received."

Is it possible that only the Celestial quickening brings 100% brain activity? Jesus continued from grace to grace until he received a fullness (D&C 93:12-17). His example on earth was not to go make a ton of cash or scientific discoveries. He was the superhero with 100% brain activity and he chose to focus on the worth of souls.

I'll admit, I walked out of that movie wishing I could learn a language in 1 day, create the food replicator or run around like Neo saying: "I know Kung-fu." But after thinking about it, all I need to do stay the course and help others along the way. One day I'll get the keys to that Celestial car and then it will be off to the races.

Olympic Oafing



Traditional Running

Since my back recently healed I returned to working out with Dave at World of Beautiful Bodies. He informed me the gauntlet had been thrown at him to complete an Olympic Triathlon - which consists of a consecutive:

• 0.93 mile swim
• 24.8 mile bike ride 
• 6.2 mile run

Some of you may remember I've done a few practice Spirit Triathlons which is the Olympic distance cut in half. Naturally I can't resist the challenge, so I broke out the Rocky music and started training. On Friday I took on the 1 mile swim in the pool and focused on limiting my use of legs to save them for the bike and run. Needless to say my upper body was on fire when I finished. Saturday morning I got up at 6AM, plotted out my six mile run and assaulted the course.

Or maybe the course assaulted me. If there is one thing I hate doing, its running. Most folks consider four general speeds or gears for bipedal human forward motion. Walking, jogging, running and sprinting. But during this run, I discovered I fit into a new classification:

• Sprinting
• Running
• Jogging
• Oafing - ME
• Walking



Oafing

What exactly is Oafing? Imagine you are driving down the street and see some uncoordinated, has-been dude over 200 lbs moving slowly down the sidewalk. He isn't walking, but the pace is too slow to be jogging. His face is beat red and a mask of determined agony. You wonder if he is in trouble or disturbed. Before dialing 911, you figure whatever this guy's problem is, he'll stop moving soon and you drive on past. That my friends is what its like to witness OAFING.

Yes, I oafed my way to six miles with no walking and the quest for Olympic Glory has begun. Of course, that will all change once I buy my multi-purpose speedo to wear throughout the race. Until next time, happy oafing to all.

Bizzaro Families

Upon learning this morning that the Gator would not be followed by another MANmal, STMadDog pointed out we now have Bizzaro families (2 girls 1 boy, 1 girl) vs. (2 boys, 1 girl, 1 boy). In honor of this amazing cosmic event, I now share the following Seinfeld Bizzaro clip, which is almost completely unrelated to our good news.



The question is: Who is the evil version of the family?

Rabbi Jimmer

Believe it or not, BYU plays Kosher basketball. This may sound odd since the university is owned by the LDS church, but true nonetheless.

Generally speaking, Kosher food is prepared under supervision of a qualified Rabbi. In the case of BYU basketball, coach Dave Rose has clearly declared each possession should be blessed by Rabbi Jimmer or it is not Kosher. Don't believe me? Watch the tape. The other four players on the floor look desperate to have Jimmer at least touch the ball once, if not give it right back to him after a pass on each possession. This actually became comical to me during the Gonzaga game and I started paying attention for non-Kosher possessions. 

I understand when you have the best player on the floor you want the ball in their hands, but on this team its religious obsession. Even for hard-core Mormons. I wonder if Dave Rose told some of the the players: "You see where Davies is sitting? I can make that happen in the blink of an eye if I catch you running non-Kosher plays out there." Clearly Jimmer has embraced his Rabbinic role, calling for the ball virtually every second its out of his hands. Heck the second he passes the ball, he's calling for it again. Yep, its that important to be Kosher.

And why not? With the Chuck Norris of Mormon basketball players at the helm, BYU has made it back to the Sweet 16 for the first time since 1981. You'd better believe in Kosher basketball and like it, because Kosher ball is FULL OF WIN. Just look at Jean Luc after watching the last game:

Award Acceptance - 7 Things

I just got my first ever award for blogging. (Stop laughing). In order to receive the award I must share 7 things about myself... that may not be true. Or are they?

1. I can speak better than butter without margarine. See: Psalms 55:21
2. My 7th Grade science teacher claimed we had Kip Winger's desk encased in glass in the basement of the school.
3. I've released two techno albums under the group known as Biscuits n Gravy.
4. Twice I have received thongs as gifts.
5. My teachers used to think I was disturbed because I'd doodle people with swords stuck in their mouths on my homework.
6. I've nearly been shot for carrying an Uzi with a ski mask on.
7. My first car accident was caused by a goose on a dirt road.

Yep, my horcrux now contains a bunch of seriously lame things about myself. However, I want an authentic horcrux, not one of those "I'm so cool" ones that gets stuck inside of my mortal enemy and betrays my every waking thought to this pathetic teenager who can't stop whining or comb his hair.

Did I mention "7" is the perfect magical number?

MWHAAHAHAHahahahaah... ah-ha.

Love Your Enemy

This is a funny take on what it means to love your enemy from Garrison Keillor, the man behind the News from Lake Woebegon... where the women are strong, the men are good looking and the children above average.

Garrison has a humorous take on a sermon by a female Lutheran Pastor in Lake Woebegon about loving your enemies. Matt 5:44

"But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you."

 "This is a very troublesome, VERY TROUBLESOME verse and she (the Pastor) said, no its true and this was Jesus's commandment, we are to do this. Easy to love people who are nice to you, anyone can do that. But you to have to love those that have caused you pain, don't turn away from them. Love those who cause you pain....

[Garrison reports a mother hearing the sermon calls her daughter who has been living with a bunch of losers in the city doing drugs, homeless, novelists, etc. caused this mother a lot of pain and comes to the following realization]

"Oh why oh why does she live with these losers? And then it dawned on her, maybe this is a form of loving your enemy? Living with somebody...Maybe that's all marriage is - loving your enemy. You need to be loved so you snuggle up close to somebody for a few years and gradually over time they get to see the worst of you and you get to see the worst of them. They know your worst points better than you worst enemies do. They've seen how cruel and how small minded you can be and how silly and inconsequential you may be and they know all the worst things and there you are...lying next to them. You're lying next to this intimate enemy of yourself. Your worst critic right there in bed with you. Maybe that's what love is."

I recommend if you really want to catch the humor (the guy's voice is very unique), listen here:

Red Box Etiquette - For the Next Generation

I freely admit when it comes to etiquette, I am an unrefined man. In fact, I looked up the Webster definition before writing this post to be safe.

et·i·quette, noun \ˈe-ti-kət, -ˌket\ : the conduct or procedure required by good breeding or prescribed by authority to be observed in social or official life

Clearly this definition is no longer PC. However, by the world's standards, I'm a serious breeder so I'm now qualified to lecture on Red Box Etiquette.

Thanks to the local Blockbuster and Hollywood Video closing their doors, the only way for me to rent movies is via mail (Netflix or Blockbuster), instant (Netflix) or kiosk (Red Box, Blockbuster, etc.). If you want to rent something on the spur of the moment, the kiosk is now the new video store.

So last night the Boss reserved a copy of "Life as We Know it" and I drove out to the store to pick it up and met with a situation that may be familiar to many of you. An indecisive couple was ahead of me and just stood there for about 3-5 minutes debating each title and browsing the menu, starting over several times. No one was behind me, so I left, did some shopping, came back... and they were still there. Being of good breeding, I didn't chastise them, but still waited a couple more minutes before they gave up and walked away. Setting aside my contempt, I displayed my higher breeding to the people behind me by executing a 30 second transaction thanks to my online reservation and left in an indignant huff.

As I drove home I realized the new era of video rentals needs some rules to be established. Gone are the days of spending 30 minutes picking out a movie in a store. All of my rules below stem from actual experience. In doing this, I fancy myself as Jean Luc Picard, a man of impeccable etiquette, bolding setting a code of conduct for the video rental kiosk in the Next Generation. (It helps if you imagine his voice reading the following): 

1. Realize this is the information age and everyone is "supposedly" in a hurry. In other words, be respectful of other people's time. This is OLD SCHOOL etiquette that confers great personal satisfaction to one's self and close society.  
2. To further prove your good breeding, be respectful and keep your trip to the kiosk under two minutes. 
1. To achieve this, reserve the movie online before going OR have your choices narrowed down to 2 or 3 titles so selection is economical and a pleasure to behold from the line.
3. When it is your turn at the kiosk, you should be off the cell phone and busy closing the transaction. It is rude to stand there leisurely chatting about selection or some other unrelated fried froth. Gentle smiles always follow a disciplined mobile user.   
4. Circle of Comfort - How would you feel if someone followed you around the video store looking over your shoulder at every title considered? I might slap them for such rude behavior. So why is this permitted at the kiosk? I've literally had people about a foot away staring at my entire rental process. Simple rule: When waiting your turn, give the renter 3 feet of space or remain well outside of arm's reach. If I could, I'd paint a "red box" around the rental area and hire a disgruntled DMV employee to tell people to stand behind the line. 
5. If you exceed the two minute limit, ask if the person behind you would like a turn while you use a life line to call for advice on title selection. This is a great courtesy to those simply wanting to return a rental. Your place in the upper realm of high breeding will be secure.

I'm confident if we all commit to this bold new code our own sense of self-actualization will increase by 2.3% and firmly place us on the path to discovering the DVD replicator. Then with the full weight of my pedigree I can proclaim: Movie, Ferris Buller's Day Off... Make it so!

For more fun with Etiquette, visit Etiquette Hell: http://www.etiquettehell.com/

Kill the Boy & Chocolate Cake

Best stuff ever from Bill Cosby. Parents will enjoy or they have no soul.



Being a hard core chocolate lover and a lazy cook for my kids, I epically got a kick out of this one.

Deep or Painful?

I want your vote on the following clip. Is it deep and inightful or just painfully depressing?



Often I feel like I'm the Tree and the boy is Corporate America. It will kill me and I will be happy.

This video also reminds me of my mother who literally would cut her arms off for me and be happy about it. Love you mom.

Honor & Jimmer Worship

Time to weigh in on the Davies fiasco at BYU this year. I'm proud of my Alma Mater for upholding its standards and showing the world honor is more important than winning. But I'm sick of hearing about how it has generated positive media attention about the church and BYU. This publicity is a nice concession prize for a lost season, but at what price?

BYU was arguably having its best basketball season ever with perhaps the Player of the Year (equivalent to the Heisman in Football) in Jimmer Fredette. Publicity for the church? I've often heard one the main reasons BYU athletics exist is for a missionary tool. Let me emphasize the ATHLETICS, not the honor code. Of course the money is huge to a school subsidized by tithing but that's a different topic. I'm pretty confident we would have gotten a ton of favorable press had the team made it to the Final Four. There would be discussion of the honor code and how remarkable it is that these players uphold it. People still talk about Danny Ainge and our Sweet 16 run, back in the day. This could have generated positive discussions for years. The worth of souls is great in the sight of God. I'd like to think the Lord would much prefer the exposure from winning than honor code violations.

We learn from Alma 32 that the Lord will have a humble people. I daresay, the hype surrounding Jimmer this year could be the biggest dearth of humility the basketball fans have ever displayed. I really have enjoyed the websites, etc. How often does the whitest school in America get to say they may have the best basketball player in the country? But perhaps it got out of hand. Here are some websites to enjoy and see how we lost our humility:

http://www.jimmerpoy.com/
"When prisoners need a beat down, they bring in The Jimmer."

http://goodmenproject.com/sports-2/good-men-picks-jimmer-or-san-diego-state/
"Jimmer worship should replace Scientology as the new, trendy “it” religion … if it hasn’t already."

http://dreamcatchermedia.com/jimmered
This is the infamous facebook thread where a female student gets "Jimmered." Hilarious stuff. Highlights on the right.

The facebook thread shows Jimmer becoming the Chuck Norris of Mormons. I'll admit, I love these jokes, but they don't scream humility. Is God punishing BYU fans for a lack of humility and some sacrilegious jokes?

Absolutely not. All of this stems from some poor choices. Is there a silver lining with good publicity about the honor code? Sure, but it came at a very high price. My heart goes out to Davies and his family. Hopefully he can pick things up and be better tomorrow. Hopefully folks in Provo and fans will be willing to support him on that journey rather than ostracize him. That is the spirit of the honor code and a success story I'd love to hear about, but I doubt it will get much media attention.

Frozen Wasteland

There isn't much to North Dakota. I'm not trying to make fun of it, but in the winter its a frozen wasteland. Naturally, I wound up going there for some work. The one thing this area has going for it is the gas industry, which requires a ton of transient labor. Where do all these guys live? In motels. As a result, when I went to book a hotel in the area, I found that every hotel in western North Dakota was booked. I wound up driving 2 hrs. to Glendive MT for a room and then 2 hrs back to Williston to do the inspection.

Hard Earned Photo

During the drive I listened to a bunch of the BS report and Freakonomics radio. I have to plug Freakonomics radio as one of my favorite podcasts. Very interesting takes on every day topics such as pain, risk, faking it, big cities, Pandora's impact on education and the NFL lockout. The BS report focused on the Oscar results and Bill Simmons advanced a theory that all awards should be given out 5 years after the performance. This is similar to how we judge players for the hall of fame in sports. Under his theory, most of the snubs over the years would have been corrected. And I completely agree the Social Network got HOSED. Probably my favorite film in 2010. At least it won Best Score, which I previously praised in an old post.

Onto my drama in the snow. Once I got to the site, I was limited in my ability to walk the property due to the snow and the roads were covered in drifts. I figured I could get past a few in my rental, but got stuck. I'm sure the Gator would have been very happy to say: "Uh-oh!!" Panic started to set in. I'm basically trespassing on someones land, stuck in the snow and about to miss a non-refundable flight and may have to drive another 2 hours to get back to a motel with vacancy. After 10 minutes of going back and forth and only minor swearing, I got out of the car in my dress shoes and slacks and started to dig out with my bare hands. Just before going numb, I quit and could feel just a bit more traction. Time for one last desperate attempt. I dropped the hammer and floored it and praise the Lord, got out of that drift. A great example of God's goodness to me when I am such an undeserving creature, but I guess there are points in heaven for those who brave the Frozen Wasteland.

DENVER = WINTER & SNOW DONE RIGHT.

Movie Club part VII

Here are some flicks I've seen lately that were definitely interesting that may have been off the radar for a few of you (all 2.3 of you).

Outsourced: This is the 2006 movie that spawned the NBC sitcom about an American running a call center in India. Not a good commercial. I've never watched the TV show, but the movie found its way into my instant queue on Netflix and I loved it. I was half expecting a major hate festival on American companies that export jobs overseas, but it was really about the manager and his transformation during his time in India. Tons of awkward laughs and cultural insight. Check it out if you have not already.

Love Happens: This flick is recent starring J. Aniston and A. Eckhart. I thought it was a typical date movie that was going to stink, but it has a horribly misleading title. This is a film about grieving, lying and hypocrisy. The protagonist is a motivational speaker/Ph.D who lost his wife and now helps grieving people feel "A-okay!" Only problem is he doesn't drink his own kool-aid. It was interesting to watch someone try to do something good and actually help people, but can't seem to live or accept what he is teaching. It reminded me a lot of how awkward it can feel to try and share the Gospel with people when you don't feel happy about your own life. Interesting character to hate and root for at the same time. Or am I just talking about myself?

GATOR TURNS 2: Quick note. Never start a birthday off with just a doughnut in the morning and some presents. They will be overwhelmed, and crash big time. This kid spent 10 mins with his face in the floor of the foyer at church trying to win an Oscar with his weeping. Nevertheless, Mr. Adorable fought back to enjoy his party with friends and family and added "go" to his vocabulary. Aaaah! Uh-oh and go. The only 3 words you need to lead a simple and profound life.  

Uh-Oh!

FACT: Spontaneous Human Combustion (SHC) is a myth. Don't believe me? Go to this awesome webiste with FACTS in the name. http://facts-1.com/spontaneoushumancombustion.htm. But is SMC (Spontaneous Microwave Combustion) possible? I think so.

A few moons ago, I woke up to the smell of something burning, but could find no smoke, no flame. After shoveling the walks, I came in and the Boss declared the microwave was "melting." ???? I went over to it and it was indeed so hot the plastic was beginning to warp, oil was leaking, and it was very hot to the touch everywhere. SMC was about to destroy me and my family. So I unplugged the unit and Boss called the Sears guy, who declared without hesitation that the microwave was indeed in the first stages of SMC and there was no hope to fix it.

So after 16 years of ruthlessly nuking others, the nuker became the nuked.

We picked up a new microwave at Home Depot and I heartily refused their install cost of $99 declaring it was an easy job for a man with no mechanical aptitude and a pregnant woman. First lesson learned, never volunteer a pregnant woman to do something she is not inclined to do.

During the removal of SMC, we could not get it off the back bracket after removing the top screws. We turned our backs in frustration for a moment and BAM! SMC fell onto the glass halogen stove-top with an ear-splitting crash. Gator (nearly 2 years old), who isn't much for words knew exactly what to say. He stood up on his chair and shouted "UH-OH!" Once I started swearing, he began repeating UH-OH! Second lesson: don't cuss in front of their kids. They know its wrong.

Many thanks to Shawn, who graciously spent 3 hours on a Saturday helping me install the new machine while taking extra pains not to damage the exposed stove-top. Lesson three: ALWAYS PAY THE INSTALL FEE AND SAVE YOURSELF TIME, TEARS AND DIGNITY.

I hope none of you will ever know the horrors of SMC.

SB XLV

SB XLV was a great game, but as many of you may have guessed this was the highlight of my night:



I can identify with this kid. On numerous occasions I tried to move things with the force, but had no success. I remember hanging from a tree branch outside, in the middle of winter trying to get my fake lightsaber to fly into my hand (like Luke on Hoth with the Hoth beast). All that happened was me falling out of the tree.

I told my family to root for Green Bay since I'm sick of the Steelers recent success. As usual, I had my traditional "little smokies" among some nachos, wings, stuffed shrooms and Cinna-bon cupcakes from THE BAKERY BOX. I didn't feel like eating this morning.

It amazes me how much unnecessary pomp and circumstance has gotten into this broadcast. Just one year, I'd like to see a minimalist Super Bowl... Broadcasters wearing plain black suites and ties, no fireworks or special video introductions, local marching band at half-time, 15 minute pre-game show and 5 minutes to present the trophy after the game. Commericals would be unwatchable not treated as mini-film festival. IT WOULD BE PURE FOOTBALL.

But the ratings would stink, money would be lost and so the American greed and glamour machine gives us yesterday's spectacle... For a mere $800 to $10,000 per seat, only to look at the giant TV screen instead of the field below. Ouch. Those folks just got sucker punched by Jerry Jones. Especially the folks watching outside in the cold. Go find a friend with a TV and keep your money.

Here are some classic ads from years gone by. I espeically liked the 1984 Mac ad.

http://www.aolnews.com/2011/02/03/the-7-best-super-bowl-commercials-ever-aired-videos/

True Grit in the Marriage Bed with a Coach

TRUE GRIT - Last night I finally made it out to see the re-make of "True Grit." And no, there was not one bowl of grits consumed in the whole film. (If you could shoot me right now, I'm sure you would.). This movie had me at hello. First, it features a character that goes by the name "Rooster." Second, the main character is a sassy little girl out to avenge her father's death at any cost. It was like watching a 14-year old version of the Lizard fighting to make sure she got justice for me. Half of her lines sounded exactly like stuff she would say to people. Aside from that inside humour, this really is a funny movie. I dig "Vernacular" flicks. Sometimes, they are in the southern/western genre, or they might be period British films. Regardless, odd dialogue is all it takes to make me happy.
 

The Lizard on a quest for VENGEANCE.

THE MARRIAGE BED - I received a challenge yesterday to blog about a very odd news story from the NYT. http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/41055693/ns/today-relationships/?gt1=43001. Apparently, cheating is forgivable if the act is performed outside the marriage bed. But if done at home in the place you sleep, GAME OVER. Seriously? This idea is so ground breaking it made it into the NY Times? Is psychology really being taken over by the likes of Captain Obvious? This is a great example of garbage created by the 24/7 news machine. They have to constantly put out stories to captivate our attention. So I'll assume this is meant to entertain more than inform. Better yet, it makes for great dinner conversation with the wife:

• So... did you hear that the NYT says you can't forgive someone if they cheat on you in the marriage bed? 
• .....
• Yeah, it was a pretty crazy article. What do you think?  
• .....
• .....
• Why are you telling me about this?
• Nothing, really, just thought it was, uh... informative.
• ..... really [squinting x-ray vision starts].... Pass the gravy. 
• Do you think that's a deal breaker? 
• Why are you asking me this? Are you trying to tell me something? 
• No, just making conversation. You look amazing in those jeans today. Have you lost 10 pounds in the last week? Did I mention this gravy is AWESOME? 

This is why a silent dinner is sometimes golden. Its a sign that a man has figured out how to quit bringing up loaded-topics that just lead to trouble. The next time you see a couple at a restaurant sitting in peaceful silence, go over an applaud them. I hope one day to recieve this acclaim, but it may be impossible.

Coach Fox - My beloved Broncos just finished the season 4-12. Only one other team in the NFL had a worse record. The Carolina Panthers at 2-14. Captain Obvious says... don't hire the coach of that team. So what did we do? HIRE THAT MAN. I don't care if he went to a Super-bowl or is the antithesis of McFired. It just sounds like a bad day at the recycling plant. This is just my initial reaction. I don't know a ton about the guy and wish him the best. I also recognize we were not going to attract a big name like Cowher or Gruden, etc. We are a complete disaster right now. Hopefully the Fantastical Mr. Fox can turn our fortunes around like he initially did with the Panthers.

Colorado Oddities

Here are my 3 favorite mispronounced names of places in Colorado:

1. The state itself, Colorado - Local say the ending like "rad-o" where some high-brow say "rah-do." It goes a long way to making one feel like a real cowboy.
2. Estes Park - I've heard some poor soul (who shall remain nameless) say it like "est-ies"
3. Arvada - Placing a "duh" sound at the end of this offers hours of amusement.

If you have any others, I welcome your input.

Finally, I want everyone to know that Aurora CO used to be known as FLETCHER.

"It originated in the 1880s, as the town Fletcher, taking its name from Denver businessman Donald Fletcher who saw it as a real estate opportunity. He and his partners staked out four square miles east of Denver, but the town - and Colorado - struggled mightily after the Silver Crash of 1893. At that point Fletcher skipped town, leaving the community with a huge water debt. Inhabitants decided to rename their township Aurora in 1907, and it slowly began to grow in Denver’s shadow becoming the fastest growing city in the United States during the late 1970s and early 1980s."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aurora,_Colorado

2011 Predictions

Happy 2011. The Cougar Lawyer has challenged me to once again prove my skills in the realm of divination. I have now bathed in rose extract and rubbed a mixture of fennel and hominy paste onto my forehead and spine. I am now ready to divine the future.

I. SPORTS

• NFL - Patriots will win the Super Bowl. CBA will be resolved in time for new season with the players getting the shaft. 18 game season with 2 game preseason will become law. Broncos start Tebow in 2011, win 6 games and people will regularly get saved at the stadium. New head coach is clouded even to me... a coordinator for a head coach and a GM are on the horizon.
• MLB - Rockies will win the World Series. That's right. Put your gum back in your mouth. Jimenez is going to destroy the league and DeLa Rosa will have a break-out year. Prepare yourselves for Rocktober.
• NBA - The Lakers are not hungry enough and the Heat will beat a crippled Celtic team to win the east and beat San Antonio out of the west. Melo will go to the Knicks as a free agent. Nuggets get nothing in return, fans return to their caves in the mountains.
• NHL - Avs make it to the west finals, but loose to Chicago. Penguins win it all.

II. EVERYTHING ELSE

•  New (old) Kids on the Block and Backstreet Boys combine to form a super group known as Yvan eht Nioj. Temple of the Dog fans riot declaring their super-group's superiority. After 3 months of unendurable concerts, a gunman mows Y.E.N. down. Pop radio stations flood the airwaves with the music of the slain, leading to a double-dip recession. 
• Ultra hot model discovers the secret for cold fusion with help from an ex-commie scientist, barely beating out Ted Theodore Logan who was close to the miracle thanks to some help from Morgan Freeman. 
• Obama's hair becomes completely grey.
• American Idol begins a slow painful death.
• People start eating PHO (fuh) for breakfast. As it should be. IHOP hires MS-13 to start ruthlessly beating patrons of PHO dives, creating a cult-like following for the new breakfast sensation. 
• Thor, Green Lantern & Captain America all bomb at the box office. This leads to the demise of the current super-hero movie fad leaving big-money studios searching for new material. Minimalist, high-tech film-makers enter the market with 3D movies like Baraka that have sat in the can for years. Tears flow. Ticket sales soar. The American work week shortens to 50 hours. As this spiritual awakening ensues, Oprah attempts to take credit but no one watches OWN and her new bid for power fails. 
• Peanut Brittle makes a comeback. Dentists rejoice. 

Raise your gaze to the horizon, flare your nostrils and thank Nostra-Fletch-a-Damus for his insight to the future.   

If I were a Communist Singer

Guaranteed happiness if you sing along with me:

Perhaps this video alone demonstrates why we won the Cold War. I'm forbidden to embed this, but it is truly worth your while Comrade. Its a Seinfeld espisde about Santa becoming a Communist. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O6PdecBn2no&feature=related

Thank you Seinfeld. And thank you gentle reader for supporting my Horcrux as it reaches 200 Posts!!

Tron Again

Tron Legacy was the one movie I was super geeked-out over this year. Light bikes, disc battles, awesome body suits... Daft Punk; sounds like a recipe for success. And for the most part it was.

This sequel seems to follow the spirit and general direction of the first film with great results in the first half, but some dull moments in the second. In other words, all of the good action takes place in the first half and the second is devoted to weak plot development that isn't very fulfilling. For example, the first movie starts in reality, guy gets zapped, battles in the games, finds allies, runs from a power crazed program through a virtual world, has some boring moments, then battles the evil program at the end near a column of light to get back to reality. To anyone who saw the first movie you should be having dejavu right now.

Yes, this movie was not so much about plot as special effects and dare I say style? I love modern art and contemporary design so this was my cup of tea. Visually, many sequences were gorgeous. I loved it. The action sequences were great and we even got one drop of blood. These days, I tend to want more plot development and less action; but the visuals are so cool that I'd rather just watch tons of battles than hear people talk about the genocide of digital Isotopes.The first half of this movie and the battle sequences easily justify going to see this movie.

Like the first film, this one has some classic scoring done by Daft Punk, who make a cameo appearance in the film. It was a combo of Hans Zimmer and their music. Needless to say I was loving it, even if it seemed comical at times. I can only imagine how odd it may sound 25 years from now. 

Now onto some odd musings about the film. Since this is a digital world made up of programs, why is there such a sensual element to all of the people? I doubt they reproduce... what is the point of all those crazy tight clubbing outfits and make-up? In fact, why do programs even go clubbing? I suppose its because they are a reflection of the users who designed them and their AI is based on our gender roles and attitudes?

My favorite part of this film is hands down THE BACHELOR PAD. If I ever get a billion dollars, I want a huge condo at the top of a mountain with backlit flooring and a digital screen on the porch. I nearly cried out with anguish when I though Clu was going to trash the place.

This is a visually dark film. 3D requires an even darker than normal theater making this a 2 hour dark-fest. Perfect for a wild date night or a nap. SO DON'T SEE THIS IN 3D. I DON'T RECALL ONE MEMORABLE 3D EFFECT. I AM SICK OF HOLLYWOOD SHOVING THIS TECHNOLOGY DOWN MY THROAT!!! Unless you are James Cameron and spend 10 years making a movie to have consistent bona-fide 3D effects don't bother. I'm never paying the extra $5 again.

On a whole, I was a bit disappointed in this flick, but the action sequences, style and music still make it one of my favorite movies of the year. The door is wide open for a sequel that could deal with the idea of digital intelligences and the virtual world merging with ours. THAT is the movie I'm looking forward to... assuming someone sits in front of one of those digitizing lasers again.   

Crippled & Alone

I recently related the tale of my first date with the Boss and was asked the subsequent question: How long did it take you to fall in love? My answer:

"It only took a few sips of the Kool-Aid to get me hooked."

Last week I traveled for work and wound up missing my Kool-Aid and just when I got home, it had to leave. The Kool-Aid's reasons for leaving are very good and I'm glad she's helping others in need, but I miss my sugar all the same.

So with reluctance I took her and the Gator to DIA before sunrise for a 6AM flight. Once I got home with # 1 & #2, I decided to pick up the house and fill the Mr. Mom role with dignity.

Then it happened.

I slipped down the stairs and in a flash of dexterity, caught myself at the landing. I was pleased with avoiding an EPIC FAIL and proceeded to pick up the house. However, I noticed my lower back was a bit sore... after a hot shower it was worse... by 10:00 AM I was at Walgreen's buying a back brace, Bio-Freeze and Epsom Salts. I popped 4 Advil and pressed on with work.

Later that night I tried some stretching and heat. Then the pain became terrible and for some crazy reason I started watching a show about the rise of the 3rd Reich. (I have a bit of a masochistic streak). I decided not to tell Kool-Aid about my affliction since it would only make her feel guilty. Of course, the Lizard told her that night on the phone and I got a ton of advice.

The next 18 hours were pathetic. Some examples:

• I actually took a bath in Epsom salts hoping for relief. I probably should have drunk a vial of Lion's blood at midnight to get the same results. Being a big dude in a small tub with a bad back is a painful, awkward moment I'm not proud of. 
• I needed help with basic things like picking up items off the floor, putting on socks, pants, etc. Had Kool-Aid been here, her help might have created some endearing, bonding moments. But asking your 7 or 9 year-old kid just makes them doubt your ability as a provider and a man. No father ever wants to hear his kid say, "I feel sorry for you."  
• Stealing my kid's full body pillow so I could sleep with it between my knees and ankles. 
• At the office I had to use my golf putter as a cane to get around without falling. 
• My financial planner took pity and delivered a tube of Icy Hot to me at the office.
• In general, everyone who sees me goes "awwww" are you OK?  

I'd had enough. I went to the chiropractor for the first time in my life and had a dude put my legs in positions that I'm not sure they've ever gone before. He essentially told me my injury wasn't that bad and to quit being a total pansy. As a parting gift they hooked me up to some electro-muscle-stimulificator on my back. That was EPICALLY AWESOME. I should be thankful for being smitten by the universe at a very busy time of the year with high work stress and medical problems. The Ghost of Christmas Back Pain has helped me see the light and realize; all I want for Christmas is a tall glass of Kool-Aid and no help from my kids.

If I Were a Fisherman

This video sums up what my career would look like if I became a professional fisherman.

McFired

Merry Christmas!! Just heard on the radio that "McMastermind" is being released by the Broncos. Owner Pat Bowlen cited results and the direction the team was headed. I'm no football expert, but these two issues weren't just reasons to fire McDaniels, they were practically blood on turf of Mile High screaming for retribution!

1. Results - Since the mythical 6-0 start, the team is 5-17 the worst streak in the modern era for the franchise. Results? indisputably horrible.
2. Direction - This is the big one. We had a perfectly good offense when this guy came to town and a sub-par defense. Fix the D, tweak the O and get into contention right? Wrong.
• Why not get rid of anyone that looks at you funny or says Shannahan's name without spitting afterward? - Done
• Get rid of crybaby franchise quarterback? - Done
• Trade away best receiver? - No problem
• Get rid of punishing runner and draft picks for male model who makes more than the starting quarterback? - oh yes we did
• Spend 1st round pick on questionable QB to back up sitting duck and male model? Why not?
• Whew! After all that drama, the QB position is finally buttoned down.  
• Use other 1st round pick on receiver to replace Marshall? - Of course. We can fix the defense with veterans that wear out after week 7!
• Pick up / retain as many aged defenders as possible? - Done and Done. Average age over 30!
• Improve the defense - Nooooooo.... We'll get to that in year 5 after fixing the terrible offense inherited.
•  Cheat to win games with SPYGATE II... uh... YEAH!!!

Bowlen said, "The decision to make a change was extremely difficult but one that needed to be made for this organization and our fans."

Well said Pat. It appears the lights are still on. Good luck firing this guy with clause and getting your money back. Thank you and MERRY CHRISTMAS.