Happy 2011. The Cougar Lawyer has challenged me to once again prove my skills in the realm of divination. I have now bathed in rose extract and rubbed a mixture of fennel and hominy paste onto my forehead and spine. I am now ready to divine the future.
I. SPORTS
- NFL - Patriots will win the Super Bowl. CBA will be resolved in time for new season with the players getting the shaft. 18 game season with 2 game preseason will become law. Broncos start Tebow in 2011, win 6 games and people will regularly get saved at the stadium. New head coach is clouded even to me... a coordinator for a head coach and a GM are on the horizon.
- MLB - Rockies will win the World Series. That's right. Put your gum back in your mouth. Jimenez is going to destroy the league and DeLa Rosa will have a break-out year. Prepare yourselves for Rocktober.
- NBA - The Lakers are not hungry enough and the Heat will beat a crippled Celtic team to win the east and beat San Antonio out of the west. Melo will go to the Knicks as a free agent. Nuggets get nothing in return, fans return to their caves in the mountains.
- NHL - Avs make it to the west finals, but loose to Chicago. Penguins win it all.
II. EVERYTHING ELSE
- New (old) Kids on the Block and Backstreet Boys combine to form a super group known as Yvan eht Nioj. Temple of the Dog fans riot declaring their super-group's superiority. After 3 months of unendurable concerts, a gunman mows Y.E.N. down. Pop radio stations flood the airwaves with the music of the slain, leading to a double-dip recession.
- Ultra hot model discovers the secret for cold fusion with help from an ex-commie scientist, barely beating out Ted Theodore Logan who was close to the miracle thanks to some help from Morgan Freeman.
- Obama's hair becomes completely grey.
- American Idol begins a slow painful death.
- People start eating PHO (fuh) for breakfast. As it should be. IHOP hires MS-13 to start ruthlessly beating patrons of PHO dives, creating a cult-like following for the new breakfast sensation.
- Thor, Green Lantern & Captain America all bomb at the box office. This leads to the demise of the current super-hero movie fad leaving big-money studios searching for new material. Minimalist, high-tech film-makers enter the market with 3D movies like Baraka that have sat in the can for years. Tears flow. Ticket sales soar. The American work week shortens to 50 hours. As this spiritual awakening ensues, Oprah attempts to take credit but no one watches OWN and her new bid for power fails.
- Peanut Brittle makes a comeback. Dentists rejoice.
1 comment:
Broncos games. People getting saved? Because they're so miserable?
Rockies. Yes, my gum did fall out. It's still on the floor.
NBA. From my twenty minutes of exposure to the NBA at our hotel cafeteria in Orlando, I'd say this prediction is spot on.
NHL. I have a hard time seeing the Avs go that far. I think they'll lose in the first round, if they even get in. Here's a gum-dropping prediction: The 66-year-old Vancouver Canucks finally win the Stanley Cup.
New kids. Was this a shout out to the Mirror of Erised from Hairless?
Keanu shout out. Enjoyed it.
Gray hairs. I can buy it.
AI death. Indeed.
PHO. I'm unfamiliar with PHO.
Super heroes. Are there seriously going to be three SH films this year? We rode the Dr. Doom ride at Orlando. Meh. Does Oprah have a new show or something?
Peanut brittle. Sarcasm, right?
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