Crippled & Alone

I recently related the tale of my first date with the Boss and was asked the subsequent question: How long did it take you to fall in love? My answer:

"It only took a few sips of the Kool-Aid to get me hooked."

Last week I traveled for work and wound up missing my Kool-Aid and just when I got home, it had to leave. The Kool-Aid's reasons for leaving are very good and I'm glad she's helping others in need, but I miss my sugar all the same.

So with reluctance I took her and the Gator to DIA before sunrise for a 6AM flight. Once I got home with # 1 & #2, I decided to pick up the house and fill the Mr. Mom role with dignity.

Then it happened.

I slipped down the stairs and in a flash of dexterity, caught myself at the landing. I was pleased with avoiding an EPIC FAIL and proceeded to pick up the house. However, I noticed my lower back was a bit sore... after a hot shower it was worse... by 10:00 AM I was at Walgreen's buying a back brace, Bio-Freeze and Epsom Salts. I popped 4 Advil and pressed on with work.

Later that night I tried some stretching and heat. Then the pain became terrible and for some crazy reason I started watching a show about the rise of the 3rd Reich. (I have a bit of a masochistic streak). I decided not to tell Kool-Aid about my affliction since it would only make her feel guilty. Of course, the Lizard told her that night on the phone and I got a ton of advice.

The next 18 hours were pathetic. Some examples:

• I actually took a bath in Epsom salts hoping for relief. I probably should have drunk a vial of Lion's blood at midnight to get the same results. Being a big dude in a small tub with a bad back is a painful, awkward moment I'm not proud of. 
• I needed help with basic things like picking up items off the floor, putting on socks, pants, etc. Had Kool-Aid been here, her help might have created some endearing, bonding moments. But asking your 7 or 9 year-old kid just makes them doubt your ability as a provider and a man. No father ever wants to hear his kid say, "I feel sorry for you."  
• Stealing my kid's full body pillow so I could sleep with it between my knees and ankles. 
• At the office I had to use my golf putter as a cane to get around without falling. 
• My financial planner took pity and delivered a tube of Icy Hot to me at the office.
• In general, everyone who sees me goes "awwww" are you OK?  

I'd had enough. I went to the chiropractor for the first time in my life and had a dude put my legs in positions that I'm not sure they've ever gone before. He essentially told me my injury wasn't that bad and to quit being a total pansy. As a parting gift they hooked me up to some electro-muscle-stimulificator on my back. That was EPICALLY AWESOME. I should be thankful for being smitten by the universe at a very busy time of the year with high work stress and medical problems. The Ghost of Christmas Back Pain has helped me see the light and realize; all I want for Christmas is a tall glass of Kool-Aid and no help from my kids.