Marley & "PG"

I took my family to see Marley & Me for a celebration yesterday. I should say from the outset, I enjoy dogs, but they are not for me. Constant barking, huge piles of feces, potential biting all traded for some affection and the "I have a guard dog" thing. That's just my view, I know many would disagree.

So the movie? Very enjoyable. Great humour from broke-nose Wilson and Aniston gets back some of her comedic charm from her Friends days. Marley is down-right hilarious in many moments that are very memorable and make the movie. Some of the best stuff is from Alan Arkin (Wilson's Editor). I won't give it away. Even as a non-dog person, I found much of the movie to be be funny, endearing and realistic. Gives a good taste of how tough day-to-day life can be for working parents.

But this movie has a major shortcoming that prevents it from being a "family" classic. Its not exactly kid friendly. Not so much because they put the dog to sleep at the end of the movie (we warned the kids before going), but for adult content. Yes, adult content in a PG flick. So I'm sharing some "Parental Guidance" with you. Think twice before showing to kids. Would you believe this film contains skinny dipping? And its no quick fade to black sort of thing either. Not to mention multiple scenes of Aniston and Wilson on top of each other ready to "make babies." Its not overly scandalous; if it were just me and the wife, it wouldn't be the end of the world, but with my kids, yes. Anytime I feel compelled to cover my kids eyes, I'm ticked. Plus, it ruins the ability of this film to be a cheap baby-sitter for the kids on DVD!

Overall, this is a great movie; just not for the kids, which is disappointing. You'll laugh and cry. Guys, my advice is just let the tears flow if you are with women. Huge points. Shoot, I'd cry more if I could, but I'm too cold hearted most of the time, but this dog found a way through to me.

We Don't Deserve to Win

My Beloved Broncos are playing for their playoff lives this Sunday. They have overcome tremendous adversity to even be thinking about the playoffs, but when you are in the worst division in football, anything is possible.

In order to pull this off, we'll have to beat San Diego (my ESFIL's team) at their house. Our recent history against the Chargers is not good. Since 2006, we are 1-4, with a combined point total of 185-92. That's some serious beat-down losses. Phillip Rivers is a hot-head and a poor sport, but I'm sure he felt the swagger when he tauted Cutler after an embarrassing loss on Christmas Eve in 2007. The only win we have against these guys in that stretch was handed to us by the Ed "The Body" Hoculi, the ref who blew a call. Granted, we came back, made plays and they didn't to win the game, but it could easily be said we are 0-5 against the current Chargers squad. Since we stole the last game, I'd say Karma demands the Bolts win this next game. Sad but true.

But here's an even better reason. Our team is being sabotaged by our trainers. Clearly they have a personal vendetta against Pat Bowlen. Think I'm crazy? How else do you explain Selvin Young, Andre Hall, Michael Pittman, P.J. Pope, Ryan Torian, Peyton Hillis and Anthony Aldridge all going in the IR in one season? We have turned to Tatum Bell, an ex-Bronco who was recently selling cell phones at a kisok in a mall to run the ball for us. Is this a movie? And lets not forget Champ Bailey our best cornerback, and our first string linebacking core of D.J. Williams, Nate Webster and Boss Baily have all gone down at some point this season. We got so desperate that we turned to a rookie Spencer Larsen, to start BOTH WAYS, a first in Broncos history. (Incidentally, Larsen goes to church with a colleague of mine).

So what gives? Did Bowlen cut their salaries? Father an illegitimate child and offer no support? Deny the trainers full access to Shannahan's tanning bed? I don't know, but his is mutiny. During the season we are at sea and mutiny calls for death. Yes, I'm calling for the public execution of the 2008 Broncos training staff. We'll do it by firing squad in front of the capital on the 5,280 Ft above sea level step. Even if we do that, I hold out no hope for our team. We'll roll over so another pathetic 8-8 team can go to the playoffs and at least have a healthy chance of winning.

Christmas Thoughts

On this joyous day I have a few quick things to share.

1. I created some high-fructose masterpieces earlier in the month to offer as a sacrifice to the immortal being known as Santa. Although I was quite pleased with my offerings, as was Cain; I could not wait for the appointed time of death and ate my supplications before the appointed hour. Perhaps things would have gone better for Cain if he had done the same. My handiwork is below:

In the spirit of the holidays, I created a ginger-bread-esque man in homage to Quato, the mutant that hides in a man's stomach on Total Recall. I could almost hear him murmuring "OPEN YOUR MIND TO ME." Next, I created what appears to be an Angel of Death, but that's just the Ghost of Christmas Future. No big difference. Finally, I made an unconventional JOY cookie to show that even bad colors can be festive at Christmas time.

2. My 24 Hr. Fitness is closed on Dec. 24th (after 4PM) and on the 25th. Rather infuriating. Are there no heathens in this place to watch overweight people run like gerbils on treadmills during Christmas???

3. While waiting to get a video chat from my mother today, I looked up one of my favorite topics, DEATH RAYS. I found this highly reliable article on the Internet and thoroughly enjoyed it. As a fan of the Prestige and all the Tesla stuff therein, I now give it to you:
http://www.bibliotecapleyades.net/tesla/esp_tesla_2b.htm

Alright. This could be the worst Christmas Post ever. I'll do something serious later. Happy Holidays!

70s Night at the Pepsi Center

A friend of mine recently hooked me up with some tickets to go see the Nuggets tangle with LeBron James at the Pepsi Center or more affectionately known by locals as "The Can." (see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pepsi_Center for hard, undeniable facts that I don't care to re-hash). Can is hardly an appropriate description for this lavish modern-day gladiatorial area. Unfortunately for me, the Nuggets had all the fire of a bunch of pixies in pink tutus. Most of the game they were down by nearly 20 as King James showed his prowess while lame 70s themed promotions occured. Groovy Baby Yeah!! Here a few quick thoughts:

1. LeBron is a FREAK OF NATURE. For some reason seeing him person and at eye-level gave me an appreciation of how tall the guy is compared to everyone else and how the dude is built like a tank. It reminded me of how Karl Malone made the other guys on the court look like girls. Melo looked like some punk kid next to him.

2. The Nugz have the best PA announcer in the world! Kyle Speller has 1.21 Gigowatts in his voice, but due to extreme apathy from our team, he could not ignite the crowd despite his best attempts. I secretly wish I had the pipes to do something like that for a living. I'd live in a stone castle with the "Bulls Warm Up" theme (on the left if you care to listen) playing over and over and me introducing my favorite athletes of all time and doing NFL Films lines "Larry Czonka played full-back like a horse ploughs a field... with a high pain threshold and great determination."

3. The Dancers. Dude. If you went to a game and had seats placed in front of these girls, you'd get cold-clocked by your girlfriend/wife. Its about 1 or 2 steps away from the ol Spearmint Rhino.

4. Games go by quickly when you are poaching a good seat. I snuck down to the first level after the first quarter and nearly wept like a child with fear. Everytime someone would pass by, I'd notice out of the corner of my eye and start forming plans to explain myself. One might say I have authority and punishment issues, but it sure made a horrific game go fast.

5. The parking was awesome. And that's all I'm gonna say, because I don't want anyone else using it.

6. Handle the hot stuff. Thanks to my sneaky seat maneuver, I had to hold the fort and was unable to score any grub at half-time. However, a jalapeno bratwurst was presented to me before the start of the third quarter. It looked like hell on a German Sausage. There must have been 10-15 small peppers on there. I dared to nibble a few and found that the bun actually helped significantly with the heat. Perhaps I'll start taking some Costco rolls with me when I dine Mexican in the future.

Feats of Strength

Wow. Strongman competitions have come a LONG way since the days of Tony Atlas and Ken Patera. Horrible trash talking, classic sports announcers (one who does nothing), bad socks, side burns and a ridiculous event. I now have a new contest for the next bachelor party I attend. Needless to say, the 70s may be the most awkward decade of the last century. Hope you enjoy it!!

Stolen Memories

This is part of an email from the past where I described my car being stolen from our driveway. I'm posting it here for those who may have never heard the story.

Prolouge - It all started one fine morning as I marched out the door to hop into my Honda Civic and battle my way to work. The only problem was that my car was not in the driveway. I marched back into the house thinking Julie was playing a practical joke on me. Her family loves stuff like that. Of course she denied it and we laughed. I accused her again, another denial and we laughed. Finally, I said "Seriously. I have to get to work. Where is the car?" No laughing. We searched the street and it was gone. I called the cops and they had the gaul to tell me they would likely find it within a week. Riiiight. But to my shock and astonishment, we got a call about a week or so later from the police department saying they had found my car. Here is my reaction:

Justice has been served. [THUD] Around 11:00 AM the cops called Julie to tell them they found our car and had 2 suspects in custody. The thieves had stolen 3 civics and left them in a parking lot (covered at least) in an older apartment complex. I went to claim the vehicle and assess the damages. My plates and registration were gone, AND THEY EVEN TOOK THE FLIPPIN NUGGETS LICENSE PLATE COVER!! WHO ARE THESE SICK PEOPLE??? All of my CDs were there, (what? they didn't want Jesus the Christ and 2 sessions of General Conference? What about my lame techno music? They didn't even want that. -- that may be the most insulting thing in this whole fiasco). Overall, the "perps" got to joy ride in my car, kill my ignition, steal my front right signal and go to jail (hopefully). But look at what I got when the car was reclaimed!

1. Set of hardwood nunchucks

2. Empty container of strawberry milk

3. Green crowbar

4. The coat hanger used to break into my car

5. One black glove

6. Cigarette buttock (and they gave me a new lighter - oh joy)

7. Tan jacket

8. A black bra

9. A pirated CD entitled: "Good Sh** -- Kyle's Mix" (full of Ozzy, AC/DC, Metallica -- you were right Mom. Naughty people do listen to that music) and finally...

10. I can now start the car with a screwdriver!!! (how cool is that?)

The healing process can now begin. It wasn't my fault. And like the chick says on "Red Eye" -- never again. [as I slam a pencil in the throat of the perps].

Pandora's Box of Metal

I must share the greatest butt-rock discovery of the 00's. Any poseurs who can't embrace the power of 80s metal should go get a can of Aqua-Net and spray their hair until they get the feeling. Or you could just go to:

http://www.pandora.com/

You'll need to give totally bogus information to get an account, then create a station... To achieve candy-rock Nirvana, just type in "Winger." This is in honor of the first CD I ever bought. Don't even think of mocking me. Once you have created this station you will ascend the hights of the thunderous mount of heavy-metal power and know what it is to truly rock.

In honor of this discovery, I have added a Winger song to my playlist on the left for your enjoyment. I take no responsibility if you find yourself wanting to play an expoloding guitar with a drill, light money on fire and wear a full-body leather leopard suite. Long Live Metal.

Dictator Day

Today as we remember Fidel Castro becoming "President" of Cuba and Napolon being crowned Emporer of France, I'd like to share my thoughts on a few flicks I've seen recently.

QUANTUM OF SOLACE - You know the plot: Bond, tuxedos, chases by foot, chases by car, explosions, martial arts, 2 women: 1 to save, 1 to use, bad guys with secret plot against the world, my little pony and gadgets. Needless to say I enjoyed the movie, however it is a cold and depressed film. This is the middle of a trilogy, which is usually the most sullen act. Bond is angry, and out for vengeance. License to Kill? Considerably. Bond's biggest problem is he can't seem to keep anyone alive long enough to torture information from them (how sad). The action starts with a bang and none of it is disappointing. I heartily enjoyed all of it and several of the tough guy lines. Bond also does nearly every action sequence in a suit (sans tie - very chique), which almost seems like a commercial from Armani and JC Penny tellinig middle aged desk jockeys across the coutry: "You can do anything in a suit."

On to some negatives. Many have said the action and style of this movie is a rip off of the Bourne Saga (Matt Damon). True, but only because that stuff is so good. So why not? Another problem is the plot is hardly advanced from the last film. Yes, I'm getting old. I need more than 10 minutes of plot in a 2 hour film. Finally, I think Q.O.S. has lost a bit of the Bond spirit. Not enough gadgets and debonair talk. That's what makes Bond different. I'm willing to let all that go as this is the 2nd depressed act of a Trilogy and hope Mr. Bond gets back to his suave ways in the 3rd installment. Overall, if you like action flicks, you certainly won't be disappointed in this one.

FRED CLAUS - This was something I had no intention of seeing in the theaters last year, but now its out on DVD and the Holidays are here. Vince Vaughn or Fred Claus is St. Nick's angry older brother (frozen in time with Nick and the rest of the family) who has always been overshadowed by Santa. Fred winds up in the north pole looking for some $$$ and causes all kinds of trouble for Santa, which is funny and enjoyable. If you can suspend the idea that Fred is supposed to be hundreds of years old and would likely not act like such an idiot and that Santa looks like a psychopath on cocaine, you will enjoy this movie. Things start off well, but like many comedies, it takes itself way too serious at the end and becomes rather boring (I actually fell asleep and had to re-watch the last 10 minutes). This isn't a bad way to blow up a few hours on a cold winter's night, but not great either. Regardless, I say - Happy Christmas.

Thanksgiving is for Pigs

If you are a woman reading this and don't hate me; quit reading now or prepare to loath me forever. I am here to tell you that Thanksgiving is the last bastion of pure patriarchal, chauvinistic exploitation of women left on the planet. Best of all, we celebrate it as a holiday!! Not so sure? Take a look at my Paradigm Shifting Franklin Covey Turkey Day planner for Man vs. woman:

MAN

• 7:00 AM - Sleep In
• 9:00 AM - Go play in the "Turkey Bowl" with your buddies
• 12:00 PM - Come home and complain about how "sore" you are, crash in front a worthless Detroit Lions game.
• 2:00 PM -Wake up, take your dominant place at the head of the table, make a speech, then carve the flesh of an animal to show your power over nature. Gorge yourself.
• 3:00 PM - Stagger away from the table, back to the E-Z boy
• 5:00PM - Wake up, check the NBA schedule. Talk to other males about hunting, guns and the good life.
• 7:00 PM - Grab a slice of pie, start watching a movie with lots of explosions.
• 10:00 PM - Drone on about how good things were back in your day to impress younger males.
• 11:00 PM -Slip into a sweet tryptophan induced coma. Snore loudly.

WOMAN

• 7:00 AM - Already up slaving over the 7th pie crust.
• 9:00 AM - Ram your fist into a dead bird and rip out its innards, then massage it with special oils!
• 12:00 PM - Peel 40 potatoes, carrots and chop onions. Grate 3 blocks of cheese. Through your tears, "accidentally" stab an in-law with a fork.
• 2:00 PM - Freak out in the kitchen, sustaining second degree burns while basting the turkey, stirring lumpy gravy and curse at your husband's inane speech taking place in the other room.
• 3:00 PM - Take a seat at the kitchen counter and eat a small plate of food. Fight back tears.
• 5:00PM - Wash dishes in scalding water alone, while others pretend to work. Steal away to the bathroom to cry over the dried-out Turkey.
• 7:00 PM - Dishes continue. Dried out hands may never be the same.
• 10:00 PM - Crack "holiday" nuts into a bowl with a scowl on your face. Gossip with other women.
• 11:00 PM - Lie in bed staring at the ceiling wondering "Why do I do this every year?"

After going over this schedule I now realize why men have to work so hard on Valentines Day, Anniversaries, and the other 362 days of the year to make up for our one day of true Mantopia. Happy Thanksgiving!

Shoot Me Now

What a weekend. I've been completely emasculated and humbled. First, a die-hard chick flick, followed by Maxine Hall choking his life away as he single-handedly lost the Holy War between BYU and Utah. Max needs to go see a therapist. Eight picks all year and he decides to lay up five in the most important game of the season? Bench that dude! Not even his mother would give him a bowl of "you got your butt-kicked" soup without a slap to the face. Then, my beloved Broncos get slaughtered by hated but pitiful Raiders. I couldn't even bear to watch it on the DVR. How much disaster can one man take in a 48-hour stretch? As a frustrated Chevy Chase would say:

"Well Hallelujah and Holy #$%&!!! - Where's the Tylenol?"

Hope you all have a happy Thanksgiving, and give thanks that your life doesn't depend on football teams that rip your heart out and give you back a piece of black coal in return. Its just entertainment right? OK. I'm done.

Twilight Scores a 10

I recently posted on why Twilight is going "suck." For once, my predictions came true. But what I didn't anticipate was the unintentional comedy - one of my favorite genres of humor. On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd have to say this scored a 10.

I'm not going to spoil the moments, and I wouldn't do them justice, plus the punchlines for such comedy are mostly in the mind of the viewer. And I should also add that the only way to get the unintentional comedy is to have read the books. Otherwise, it would just be stupid - as I predicted many critics would say.

[Side Note] Am I gloating over correctly predicting the future? No. I just want to make the world a better, safer place. "I would rather you not question the manner in which I provide your safety, only that you thank me for it."

Here is the breakdown of my predictions:

1. Bait and Switch - Boy howdy was I right about this. This was a HARD-CORE chick flick. The 'action' is around for about 15-20 minutes and there was minimal violence I could sink my teeth into. (I know, ban pun - but its not like I'm trying to win the Pulitzer). The actual scene of violence came off much better than I expected, but this surely would not slake the thirst of a real man.

2. Casting - I'll bust out by character. Bella was actually way better than I expected and she made the movie work in my opinion. Perfect combination of homely and yet could be girl of your dreams next door. Eddie? Sometimes good, but his lines were incredibly awkward. The guy reads like the smooth operator of the century and this dude was simply goofy. This is where 90% of the unintentional comedy comes from. I LOVED IT!!! Jasper - always looked constipated (Julie told me this during the movie and I about died). Emmet, acceptable. Carlise, better than expected. Eseme, was she in the movie? Rosalie, not bad, but basically much as I predicted, a let down. Bad guys, acceptable.

Want to know who made the movie much better than expected? The high school kids. They were spot on and pretty funny. Jacob and Billy and Charlie were right on par (IMHO).

3. Production - YIKES. I think they ran out of money or had an editor on acid. Some scenes were so poorly cut that I felt bad for them, so I laughed, but not out loud - OK I did laugh out loud a few times (the WHIFF scene - you'll know what I'm talking about), but toned it down for the die-hards. I was wrong about special effects, they were worse than Heroes and Smallville. The cheesy lines were there and the "say it - vampire" scene was enough to make you puke. Yes, the budget was $36 million, a small sum in today's world and they did the best they could. Hopefully next time they can take the windfall off this episode and make something much better next time.

A word about adaptation. I felt they took some good liberties, try to add in more of a storyline with the bad guys, quicker pacing, and limiting the never-ending "Edward is the most gorgeous, chiseled, hot bowl of man-marble" talk. Bella was less domesticated, no scenes of her cooking and cleaning for dear-old dad. It was my understanding that the Meadow is the greatest moment in perhaps all of the books and it was done out of sequence and came off as the worst part of the movie. Adapting this movie is extremely difficult due to 80% of the content being in Bella's head. Only a mini-series could deliver enough detail to satisfy thirsty fans with new-born anger over missed moments. Die-hard Harry Potter fans often hate the hack job in those films and Twilight is no exception.

Overall, it wasn't as bad as I expected. I laughed a lot and had a good time, but mostly because of the sweet savor of vindication and the fact that I"m a cold-hearted jerk that can laugh at things that "suck."

My Cat Speaks Out

Recntly, I posted about my cat Tigra, and her bloodthristy nature. The following diaries (author unknown) are from a typical dog and (I'd like to imagine) my cat. Enjoy!

DOG

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

CAT

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Jerks.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...

Get More Intelligent Humour

Many of you may have already seen this movie, but I recently watched it and loved it. Action, humor, explosions, spy gadgets and Steve Carrell. The guy was hilarious in this movie and the jokes come quick and often. It was also impressive that most of the humor in this movie was not that crass (relatively speaking for a summer PG-13 - its still no G). I say this because you can watch all of the alternate jokes in the movie and they always went for the more intelligent, less crude jokes than the typical below the belt humor. I felt my faith in humanity rise up 2.8% after this experience. Each of the cast members you see on the right did a great job, all were funny and of course I'm a fan of any movie with The Rock (my alter-ego). And let's not forget Hiro (from Heroes) shows up for a few good scenes as well. Overall, I think this is a can't miss flick that will put a grin on your face and demand a second viewing.

Twilight is going to "Suck"

Not many men openly admit to reading the Twilight SAGA, and fewer still have risked nothing by blogging about it. But I’m here to fill the void of male commentary. Later this month, the SAGA will come to life on the big screen; delighting young women and desperate housewives across the globe. Right?

I have seen most of the trailers and visited the IMBD discussion board before forming my opinion. Obviously, the trailers may be different from the actual movie (Zoolander is a good example of this) but its all I have to go on. Here are my top 3 reasons why Twilight the movie is going to suck (no pun intended).

3. Bait & Switch. Most trailers depict this film as a Vampire action movie, which is totally bogus. As a guy, I hate being dragged into a chick flick disguised as something else. Bait and switch is generally a desperate tactic when the product stinks.

2. Casting. This book is about the most beautiful girl next door, meeting Mr. Wonderful and his supermodel family. I’m no model and don’t think any of the actors are unattractive, but they just don’t measure up to the description of the people in the book. (Man do I feel shallow talking about this, but sometimes the truth hurts). I’m not convinced by anyone in the cast except Bella. I don’t have a problem with Robert Pattison as Edward, but 78% of women I’ve surveyed or read online say the dude doesn’t have "it." He’s too frail and sickly looking. I’ve heard he was adored as the now deceased Cedric Diggory, but I’m not exactly qualified to comment on a dude’s looks. Next, Rosalie. This is supposed to the knock-out of the century and while the actress is good-looking, she’s no Claudia Schiffer. Carslile looks too young, perhaps his acting will make up for it. Jasper seems off and has a jacked-up hair-do. Alice and Emmet seem about right. And then someone went off and grabbed an “old” lady to play Esme. Bottom line: this is low budget B movie casting.

Historically, success with casting relative unknowns in leading roles for a big movie needs to be offset by casting well known, character actors to surround the new talent. Here are a few good examples:

- Batman Begins – Bale surrounded by Morgan Freeman, Gary Oldman and Michael Kane

- Superman – Christopher Reeve with Gene Hackman and Marlon Brando; this is a good example of a movie being viable just on the supporting cast.

- Harry Potter – the Big 3, with Alan Rickman, Robbie Coltrane, Ralph Fiennes, Brendan Gleeson, Gary Oldman, Maggie Thompson, the list is long…

- LOTR – Good talent in Viggo, Orlando and Elijah, and still they brought in Ian McKellan, Christopher Lee, Sean Bean, Bernard Hill, Cate Blanchet…

1. Production. The first two points are both symptoms of the universal problem. Summit Entertainment is clearly not a heavy hitter in the block-buster business. They make chick flicks, which this certainly is, but Twilight is in the expensive fantasy genre that requires the best to be pulled off correctly. Some call Twilight the next Harry Potter. I don’t think its appeal is nearly that universal, but it is a phenomenon as far as books go and it should get its day in the hot sun. I’ve already dissed the casting and marketing, now I’d like to rail on the screen play and special effects.

CUT THE CHEESE. Yes almost every trailer I've seen has some lines that are just plain corny and the delivery is terrible! Here are my favorites: “Tell him to avenge you!” “He’s absolutely lethal” “Say it… Vampire [ugh]” “I could make you…” And the biggest slice of cheese goes to: Wearing baseball uniforms during the baseball game. No wonder these vampires are dorks of their world.

I may be wrong about the special effects, since much will be done post production, but they are all quick blur effects like the ones on TV shows like Heroes, Smallville, etc. Perhaps this can be saved. This is my one ray of hope for the movie.

OK. I have arrogantly said a lot of harsh things based on 4-5 previews and some tid-bits from the Internet. I would be happy to be proved wrong. However, the deck is stacked against this movie. It may financially succeed, but I predict it will be panned by critics and remembered as movie with great potential in the wrong hands. Hopefully I’ll be able to choke down my popcorn when I arrive at the theater for vindication.

Election Moment

Before we say goodbye to Hilter, who was really controlled with the force by Darth Vader and welcome in the "Messiah" I have only one picture to say:

Bloodlust

Elton John and Simba are all about the circle of life, however my cat, Tigra is obsessed with the circle of death - and she brings it to us on a regular basis. I used to let the cat out because I thought she was bored and needed fresh air. Noooooo. That cat is out for blood. Serious bloodlust in that animal. I know cats like to bring presents back to their owner as a "I got your back dog" gesture, but this is just sadistic.

The other day, Tigra caught a baby bunny and slowly chewed its ears off. I heard baby B. screaming occasionally and I was stuck in a "million dollar bunny" situation. Should I save the bunny and let it die on its own? (it was mutilated and beyond repair) or should I hope the cat finishes it off quickly? Needless to say, my Boss was flipping out. I told her if I had a 357 Magnum, this wouldn't be a problem. We opted for Plan B and in true Mordor fashion, Tigra just kept the slow death going. Unable to witness the circle of death, we left and came back to find a decapitated corpse on the back porch. If Voldermort had a cat, Tigra would be it. Or maybe she's an Animagus, hiding from the Dark Lord.

The Internet says if I get an advanced pheromone spray it should mitigate my cat's need to protect and hunt its territory, thus making her less likely to kill and torture the innocent. Or we could make her wear a bell. No, that would drive me insane at 2 AM. It appears that the solution is to be inhumane, keep the cat indoors all day and get her a cat condo...and fake mice that squirt blood.

PUT THAT COOKIE DOWN!!!

Recently my gorgeous wife and I made a TON of chocolate chip cookies for our Sunday school class that we teach together. There were quite a few cookies left over after church. Seeing this bounteous surplus, I thought it would be a good idea to share these cookies with someone else as a random act of kindness (and senseless beauty). I recall feeling great about this idea, until some other situation erupted that broke-up the plans forming in my head.

Time passed and somehow I lost my resolve. Being the "grazer" that I am, I'd snag a cookie every time I drifted by the kitchen that afternoon. I think my kids were doing the same thing. Mentally, I figured there would still be enough to take a plate to someone. But sure enough, when the time came and I decided who I could share the cookies with, they were gone.

I think this is a great example of our power to bless other people's lives. It takes time and steady effort to build up a store of good things we can share. We may sit back and admire what we have accomplished and design to share it with others, but the temptation arises to keep what we have earned, rather than give it away. It takes self-control, discipline and sacrifice to help other people. The rewards for giving away our cookies are so much greater than stuffing them down our greedy throats "with nothing to show for it" later.

Honestly, I blew it. I hoarded my cookies and missed a great opportunity to perform a small, simple act of kindness. "Behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass." Next time, I'll start with the end in mind and (as Arnold would say) PUT THAT COOKIE DOWN!!!

High Octane Prayer and Trophy Women

I have to give NASCAR credit for its uniqueness. I personally can't watch it, like Golf or Baseball (post-season excluded). I need some right turns and 100 less laps. I'll watch all of the accidents on ESPN later. However, in the midst of a desk-jockey triathlon, I witnessed a major sporting even open with a prayer, and a pretty meaningful one at that. Next, the National Anthem was sung (really it was sung, not just an American Idol warm-up exercise) and they panned almost every driver in the race - I have no idea what race it was - and I don't care. What caught my attention after a while, was that every driver had some serious arm candy at his side. Yes, no one does gasoline, God and women like the south.

I could hear Rocky's trainer Mickey screaming "WOMEN WEAKEN LEGS!!!" True, but drivers (athletes-cough) don't have to do much running in a race. My old offensive line coach would ask the guy who comes in second place, "What's the matter with you? Are you in love?" For as manly as NASCAR seems to be, this female faux pas is strangely overlooked. I'm grateful to see a prayer before a game, but this trophy wife/girlfriend/escort thing doesn't work for me. I suppose one could argue that fast cars and fast women just go together. Like peanut butter and... well, you know.

With Honor

This is an inspirational speech given by Bronco Mendenhall, the head coach of BYU football. Something for everyone in it. Hope you enjoy...

Here is a modern day Captain Moroni. You can work in a violent profession and rise above it all. I've been inspired to get a "Return with Honor" sign above the door for the house. After watching this I had that "let's tear off the door and win this thing feeling." I love that feeling.

Oxymoron

I've always enjoyed "West End Girls" by the Pet Shop Boys. As upbeat as the song is, and as much as they sing about "girls" neither of these themes seem to show up in the video...

I'm not surprised by any of this considering the "orientation" of the band, perhaps the two artists themselves are the "West End Girls." At first blush, this was a very boring video, but then I really enjoyed the stark contrast between the beat and female thing and what actually shows up visually. This could take the cake for the most uninspired performance in the history of music video, a generally wild genre.

Final thought: is it just me or does Tennant (singer) almost look like an LDS missionary? Thank you for allowing me to waste five minutes of your life.

Wicked Awesome Star Wars Clips

After watching the Clone Wars movie this summer, my zest for Star Wars hit an all time low. Here are two videos from youtube that helped me get that warm fuzzy "feeling" back.

This is random, but interesting. Yea San Francisco.

Trading Concubines

Growing up in the Mile High City, I attended the LDS church in the morning and then went home to watch the church of John Elway in the afternoon. There were many highs and lows, but the Field General, John Elway was constant. He could always be trusted to win, and bring glory to our fair city. But I now have serious doubts about our once great General, who rode the White Bronco.

After retirement, Elway has done a bunch of things, Car Dealerships, Restaurants, AFL (Area Football League), Canned his wife of 18 years, preyed on Cougars, etc... But he has now crossed the line. Word is out that Mr. Elway will be marrying a former Raider's cheerleader.

INCONCIEVABLE!!! Could Carl Meckelnburg, Steve Atwater, Jene Lang or Simon Fletcher do this? Yes. They are not a fixture of Denver sports and the city. But "John" is the husband and the city of Denver is his wife. We have loved him for years after he stopped working and making us smile. Like a rejected wife, we have gone on cherishing what he once was and have kissed his butt despite the lack of success, post football. I now know how a woman scorned feels. This is heinous treachery.

Perhaps "John" is upset that we have a new Bo in the wings (Jay Cutler) and is lashing out at us. So be it. Its time for us to move on and get a young, virile husband that can make us feel alive, special and maybe even better than you once did. Good riddance "John." I've rent my clothes, ripped out my facial hair and covered myself in sackcloth and ashes. You are dead to me.

http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/blog/shutdown_corner/post/John-Elway-is-marrying-an-ex-Raiders-cheerleader?urn=nfl,110869

Just Another Move

I answered the call to help someone move furniture this evening. It seemed normal enough, until I got the back story on it. (Dan - you'll love this since you may be able to tell who told me this story).

We were helping a young lady move in with her mom. Why? Her husband had gone to jail for some scam and she divorced him. Once he got out of jail, they got back together. But this time, he ran a new scam and racked up $750,000 in illegial credit card debt doing shady stuff. To top it off, this guy is some sort of expert on Samurai swords and apparently stole 2 from the National Museum in D.C. that had been given to some U.S. general. The dude took them to San Francisco and sold them. He just got a work visa to Britan and informed his now ex-wife he will not be returning. Hence, the need for this unfortunate move.

We whispered like little school girls about it during the move. I've never had so much fun.

Question - HOW DID THAT GUY GET A VISA??? - You go Big Brother.

I found this artice on the web that kinda/sorta substatiates the story.

http://www.geocities.com/alchemyst/tojo.htm

Its a weak source, but still good for some grins. Apparently this guy also was involved with some papers about Hilter as well. Go figure.

What's the moral? When you get involved and help people, you get the best entertaiment available. Crazy people!

Fletch on Media

I, Fletch F. Fletch, have been doing my usual routine of watching flicks, reading books and listening to music. Here are my shocking opinions:

Music - Most of you have heard Snow Patrol's song "Chasing Cars"(If I lay here...) and like me are probably ready to puke when you hear it. Sure its a good song but it needs a serious break. However, I heard a bunch of music from the rest of the album, Eyes Wide Open and was pleasantly surprised. I've added "You could be happy" to my musical montage on the left if you care to listen. Either way, a good band to check out.

Next, a lesser know band, called Keane. It a British piano band, and I admit their sound is a bit of an acquired taste, but it has grown on me. I inherited a copy of their album Under the Iron Sea, from Kroc and have been enjoying it. I've put a sample song, "Atlantic" on the left.

Movies - The latest comedy I've watched was "Baby Mama" the SNL flick about a woman with a bad uterus (Tina Fey) using a surrogate (Amy Poehler) to have a baby. These two are funny and do a great job. But my favorite part of the movie? Steve Martin. Yes. I actually found something funny from Steve Martin in this decade. He plays a hippie lettuce loving CEO who has no concept of personal space or modesty. I'd say watch this just for his performance.

Another recent viewing was "Ms. Pettigrew Lives for a Day." This didn't seem to get much publicity, but it was a fun and entertaining movie set in London in the 1920s. Amy Adams (princess from Enchanted) was wonderful and plays a 20's gold digger perfectly. BTW, Adams grew up in Castle Rock, CO (10 miles south of me) and was raised LDS. This movie had plenty of laughs, charm and moves at a good pace. Great date night rental.

Books - So I thought I was done with the Twilight SAGA. Until someone leaked a draft copy of Midnight Sun onto the Internet. This book rehashes the first book (Twilight) from Edward's perspective. Meyer was so upset about the leak, she said on her website that she may never finish the project (riiiight...) and that its not what she wants to put out there, with typos, errors, etc. Here is the worst part: I liked it better than all of the other books combined. Sure, it has the same drag as her other books, but not as much. It was very interesting to see Edward reading everyone's mind and going nuts trying to figure out what Bella is thinking, a very common thing for men to do. HAHA!! even the great uber-fantastic Greek god Edward can't figure out what his woman is thinking. Writhe and despair all ye women who read this!! Even though the author hates this, I loved it.


Question - Any of you noticed the great proliferation of "Templar / Female Goddess / Mason / Secrets of Jesus" books that have come out since the DaVinci Code? Here are two that try to capitalize on this new found genre.

The Last Templar - Because I'm not going to recommend this, I'll give the plot away. Hate me if you wish. This is about a modern archaeologist (of course way too hot to be one) and a wounded FBI agent trying to find an ancient Templar relic that proves Jesus was just a carpenter with some good ideas and the Templar's apparently wanted to unite Christianity, Judaism and Islam. Yea. I've basically heard it all before. If you must read a book about secret societies harboring "earth shattering" evidence that Jesus is not Divine, then read the originator, not the imitator.

The Witch of Portobello - After reading The Alchemist, I was eager to read something else from the talented Paulo Coehlo. So I blindly grabbed this. It is written like a documentary, with interviews about the main character, Athena who we are told at the beginning of the book is a witch and died for her practices. It starts out great, but got very tedious with all of its lectures about living life with no rules, calming down, dancing, embracing the Mother, dieting, work, etc. I imagine some people really like the book and more power to them. Way too much new age, let's dance wildly by the fire, get naked, roll in the dirt and stare into people's souls stuff for me. I know some people think I'm just as nuts for following my religion so all I can say is "to each his/her own."

Talk Like a Pirate Day

Today, September 19 is international "Talk Like a Pirate Day." I wish I could say this holiday had been sanctioned by President Bush and the mighty U.S. Government, but who knows? Maybe it will be someday. Pirates of the Caribbean grossed some huge numbers and taught us the truth: pirates are the good guys!!! Thanks to Johnny Depp and Legolas, we all love those adorable rascals and we should have a day to celebrate their vernacular.

This reminds me of one of my all-time favorite "would you rather..." hypothetical questions posed by Tyler Beck, the greatest layman of this special line of inquisition. He asks:

"Would you rather have to end every sentence with 'Arrrr' (like a pirate) or talk with a heavy lisp?"

90% of the time, people take the lisp. Its easier to explain away. Talking like a pirate just means your are crazy. Or perhaps a really big fan of the Seinfeld "pirate shirt" episode or obsessed with some remarkably clever inside joke. The taking of the lisp stops now. Here on International Talk Like a Pirate Day, I challenge each of you no longer accept the lisp and proudly speak like a pirate on this newly especialized day. For more on this madess:

http://www.talklikeapirate.com/piratehome.html

I highly recommend the translator and the survey to find your "inner-pirate." Being a right swarthy mate myself, I took the survey and was found to be "The Cap-n." Now get back to work you scurvy dogs!

A Dish Served Cold

I'm not fired up for the Broncos / chargers game this Sunday. Why? Isn't this a rivalry? Shouldn't I be jazzed? NO. Its time the balance of the football universe swung back to normal. Broncos = Good. Chargers = Sad. That's just how it is. Now that roid boy blew out his knee and LT is showing signs of the beating he has taken over the last several years, Norv Turner is ready to take his place as the inept coach everyone believes he is. I guess 64-6 over the last two meetings makes up for a decade of hopeless futility. Justice is about balance and this Sunday it will be restored.

.

Strongbadia & Some RAD Videos

I owe the real-life Harry Potter many thanks for introducing me to the world of Strong Bad. He is a crazy macho Luchadore that answers emails with comedy sketches - yep, right up my alley! To give you a taste, here is a clip of techno music. As a former creator of techno music, I was particularly moved:

I totally reccomend nightlife as well on his site. If you'd like to go see more of Strong Bad, here is the link: http://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail.html

Next, here is an AWESOME video from Music & Lyrics (old post in Feb 2007) that mocks all 8os pop music videos.

OK, I admit it, I finally leared how to embed a video to the blog. Hope you had as much fun as I did.

Are the Olympics Overrated?

Like many of you, I saw much of Michael Phelp's run at history with eight gold medals. It was thrilling as some of the best sports entertainment I've had in a long time. Especially the come from behind relay. I was doing some serious fist and chest thumping (in a relatively subdued manner so as not to wake the children). Same goes for the Gold Medal round and the Redeem Team in Basketball. And yes, I actually stayed up till 2:30 AM to watch the game live. When it was all done I thought to myself, "why only do this once every four years?"

Official Answer: Out of respect for the historical tradition of holding the games every four years. Real Answer: We only give a rip about swimming, ping-pong, track, divining, trampoline and gymnastics once every four years. - Any more than that would be overkill.

As rabid as the media is to sell us entertainment, if someone thought they could sell us a world championship of swimming annually, then I bet it would be marketed accordingly. I'm sure such a thing exists, but I never hear about it. Maybe swimming, track and gymnastics needs a David Stern (NBA Commissioner) to cram these sports down our throats like the WNBA.

My final thought on the Games. The Redeem Team is awesome, but its still not as good as the original Dream Team. This isn't just nostalgic pride. In the international game, shooting and passing are king. The Dreamers played authentic 80s ball that blows the Redeem crew out of then gym. But the Dream Team was boring to watch and they never were tested. That game against Spain was in jeopardy. It was fantastic to watch our best and brightest rally together and play team ball. They won many haters over, on and off the court; myself included. As good as this was for American Basketball, a writer from ESPN 2 pointed out this was a big deal for the African American community and a feel good story - for a sport that matters more than once every four years.

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=hill/080822

The M Word

Until the retired Rugby star, John Blaser got his career started in the wide world of appraisaling, MOIST was a word that only meant good cake - Seriously. Is there anything worse than a dry cake??? And on the other side of the coin, nothing is quite as delicious as a moist cake, especially yellow with partially hydrogenated chocolate frosting... Soooo goooood. And let's not forget the tall glass of ice-cold milk. I'm satisfied that most guys think of cake or food when the hear the dreaded M-word.

But this innocence was not meant to last. One fateful day at the office, I dropped the M-bomb in Mr. Blaser's presence and he informed me that I had just spoken one of the vilest words in the English language. Most heinous to women above all else. Shocked and happily amused, I began to apply the word to almost anything, anytime, always getting a twisted chuckle out of it.

The other day, I saw the pinnacle of corruption with this word on the show, How I Met Your Mother. Go figure this was the first and only episode I've ever seen. One of the characters, played by the now grown Doogie Howser, decided to perform a one-man off-off-off-off-off Broadway show just to spite his friends, especially one female in particular. The show starts, and he comes out in black jeans and a black turtle neck (of course), puts a leg up on a chair and begins repeating the word, "Moist...Moist...Mmmoooist, Moist..." Needless to say I was in tears at this point. The show says this takes place for 20 minutes. Many women would beg for the electric chair before the end.

So what's the big deal? I'm not sure, but this word never ceases to crack me up. I assure you, I'm not thinking dirty thoughts when I say it, I'm just getting a kick out of watching people squirm. But if you must know more, here is a link discussing the phenomenon of the M-word.

http://www.salon.com/mwt/broadsheet/2007/10/29/moist/

ARNOLD's Top 5

The other day I had a random thought. Big surprise. What is the greatest Arnold Schwarzenegger (aka Anti-Christ) flick of all time? I've queried a few bright minds, but have come to my own conclusion in the form of a top five and some honorable mentions and unmentionables. Without further ado, here is the list.

1. Predator - This movie embodies male masochism to 98th degree. Elite military forces, massive guns, explosions, evil aliens, jungle survival, the hunt, death, yelling, cursing and some classic lines: "This stuff will make you a sexual Tyrannosaurus!" - "Stick Around" - "If it bleeds, we can kill it" "GET TO THE CHOPPAH!" - "KILL ME, KILL ME!!!" The primal struggle of the hunter and the hunted is fantastic in this movie. Remember the scene where they do nothing but shoot the jungle with crazy guns for like 5 minutes? Awesome. Everyone dies and Arnold is the last man standing. This movie is seething in testosterone. If you ever loose your mojo, watch this, go run in the woods for 5 minutes, cover yourself in mud and you'll be back in business (maybe not with the Lady, but nothing's perfect).

But more astonishing than the film itself is the cast and their later accomplishments. I bet a few more people would have gone to see the film in curiosity if they had known that 2 governors of major states would come out of this beefcake casserole. Arnold went on to become the GOVENATOR and Jesse the Body became THE GOVERNING BODY. In a much lesser known vein, Billy (the Indian tracker) aka Sonny Landham ran for Governor of Kentucky. Plus this movie had Apollo Creed. Best. Arnold. Flick. Ever.

2. Terminator / T2 - I throw these two together because I'm a cop-out. James Cameron (director) gets most of the credit for these movies. This is where Arnold got his signature line going, "I'll be back." Although not Oscar worthy, it was a great performance as a machine and villain. Plus this flick got us thinking about A.I. and the future... something hard to do for the average Arnold fan (trust me). T2 was awesome for its ground breaking CGI work on the T1000 and let's face it, Arnold with Guns & Roses was a triumph for a 90's metal head.

3. Running Man - Stephen King novel... This flick was way ahead of its time, showing us how sick reality television could get. The 80s cheese is off the charts in some areas (good thing in my mind), and in many ways it has the same hunter/hunted vibe as Predator. Its a futuristic Gladiator with some colorful characters, especially the opera singing, sumo sized electric dude. The deaths in this film were very creative and made you laugh instead of cringe (at least blood thirsty teenage boys think so). This movie also had Jim Brown, Jesse the Body and some really skinny nerd. Plus, we got the atoning message from Arnold that steroids are bad. Classic.

4. Total Recall - I rank this one high due to its unusual plot and psychological intrigue. It reminds me of the same enjoyment I got from The Matrix. Are we in reality or just a dream? How would you know the difference? I loved the full wall television, video phones, lame cars, and weak glass on a planet with no atmosphere. Although this was a very violent film, it had a message about reality and your true identity. Hard things to come by in the average Arnie flick.

5. Commando - This movie embodies everything people love to hate or simply love about Arnold. High Body Count, gratuitous violence, senseless nudity, ridiculous plot, sick violent jokes, lots of tough talk, 80s cheese out the yin-yang, a totally lame villain with no business taking Arnold on and a ludicrous love interest. The Unintentional Comedy factor is through the roof on this flick. Which is what makes it funnier on each viewing. Heck, just his name alone makes me grin. John Matrix. I think if this film were made today, some anti-Colombian defamation group would have stopped the production due to the extreme number of latins killed (and so easily I might add) in this film. Wait... this film would not be made today, which makes it a treasure in the Arnold Pantheon.

All of my picks come within the Golden Era from 1984 to 1990. Forgettable before that stretch, and action legend piling up less memorable films after that. But that's why we call it the "prime" of your life, career, etc.

Honorable Mention - Pumping Iron: documentary where Arnold takes on Lou Ferigno in the Mr. Olympia contest. Arnold smokes weed and has no problem showing us just what an ego-maniac he is. True Lies: Hard to leave this one out of the top 5. The interrogation of his wife was hilarious. Conan The Barbarian: [Mongol general asks] "Conan! What is best in life?" [Conan answers] "To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women." And let's not forget Darth Vader was in this movie also...

Hall of Shame - Junior: Arnold does not get pregnant. I find no humor in this. Red Sonja & Conan the Destroyer: Not even Ivan Drago's wife and Wilt Chamberlain could save these flicks. So awful they are funny to watch, but still painful. The Last Action Hero: This movie was so full of itself it just stunk up the joint. Had some great comedic moments, but pitiful compared to the body of Arnold's work. Almost Unmentionable, Batman & Robin: I actually fell asleep watching this. Darkest moment of Arnold's career. The lines, the delivery, OH THE SHAME!!! I can't think of it anymore.

Clearly I'm on vacation and had way too much time to think about this. If you finished this post, I give the line of another ardent Arnold fan who shared most of these memories with me, "I commend you for your diligence."

Breaking Dawn - Unexpected Ending

Yes, I have finished the final installment of the Twilight SAGA, Breaking Dawn. For once, I’ll actually get into some serious spoilers, so don’t go any further if you don’t want the surprises ruined. I heard a song the other day on a CD given to my kids after a birthday party that made my blood run cold in fear. Listen to it if you wish on the sidebar (See You Again - near the bottom). I have renamed it, Bella’s Theme. Since it is a Hannah Montana song, it becomes even more relevant to the teenage boy-crazy theme of the SAGA.

First off, I think this was my favorite book. The Edward obsession was thankfully dialed back big time and there was more plot development. However, if you read a lot of suspense books, the action in this book is still painfully slow, but entertaining nonetheless. I actually re-read two chapters I particularly liked: New and First Hunt.

Curveball #1: The Pregnancy. This didn’t surprise me too much, but I felt like the justification for it was a bit lame based on the rules she had created for her world. At least it spared us from Izzy Swan going to Dartmouth and being insanely jealous over every chick that ogled Edward in his letterman’s sweater. The Honeymoon stuff was pretty funny, we never got much from Superman and Lois Lane, so it was certainly novel reading. Knowing how intense some women are about their young, I wasn’t too surprised by her 180 on having a kid. Anything from Eddie is to DIE for.

Curveball #2: The Imprinting on the Loch Ness Monster. This still creeps me out. I remember saying DAAAANG! as I read it, but it was fun. “So mom, remember when you used to make out with my soul-mate and he was totally obsessed with you?” Yeah. Good times. I guess it felt OK by the end of the book. She still seemed like an exorcist baby to me. I kept waiting for her to flip out and feast on someone.

Curveball #3: The TOTALLY HAPPY ENDING (Yea!). This was a bit hard to swallow, being the bitter, cynical, sarcastic dude that I am. Tragedy mystically makes things meaningful and helps us feel better about how much our lives stink. Uber-happy endings are too sweet. Like eating an entire ball of cotton candy, with that clenching pain in your jaw. Bella got everything she wanted. So did Eddie and Jake and Nessy and Alice and Charlie and his dog and the Vamps from Ireland. Only one salty chick of no consequence died. I guess this is teenage girl fantasy land, and in that world none of the people you like are on the chopping block.

Either Mrs. Meyer was writing the stuff that genuinely makes her happy or she was just trying to mess with all of us. I’m betting on the first, it seems consistent with the way The Host ended. I bet Meyer's husband has dreams of killing Edward, or loves him for making his family millions...

Did Meyer just finish a best-selling series that tells young girls that everything in life is centered around getting swept off your feet and married to a hot guy, having babies and ignoring your education and anything mature in life? Probably. Am I trying to rip on Utah women? No, but I’m sure many will not be pleased with the outcome of this book and its total lack of feminazi principles. And let’s not even get started on this being a let-down in terms of great literature. Come on people, this is FANTASY!!! I don’t expect to get accepted to Hogwarts any day soon, I won’t become a super-hero, dungeon master, or a transformer. Let’s live a little.

Maybe the reason girls went gaga over this SAGA is because it gave them everything they yearned for, forbidden by our feminist/politically-correct culture. Gotta fight the power. You go Bella. Chasing down those perfectly chiseled dreams and making them yours. GO TEAM EDWARD!!! WOOOO!!!

!PREDICITON! – If any movie has a shot to beat the insidious $600M mark set by Titanic, Twilight is it. Never underestimate the power of teenage female movie goers with daddy dearest’s $$$. Good thing my daughters are too young for all this. Anyhow, The SAGA is now over for me and I can get back to being a greasy, swarthy, Star Wars guy.

Man Crush

Lately, I’ve been very annoyed with media hype and the recent circus over Brett Farve’s retirement fiasco. Sure, this is a compelling story. Legendary Quarterback, Gun-slinger and Tough-guy extraordinaire holds team hostage to satisfy his vain pride and ego. What Sports Writer can resist that? Not many. But must we think about it all day, every stinking day for 3 MONTHS? Does someone have to hide out in front of Brett’s house and in the Packer’s headquarters to track his every movement? NO!! Does anyone care that much? No. The media's obsession with Farve is best summed up as: A Man Crush.

Tyler Beck, one of the greatest layman pop-culture/sports commentators I’ve ever known personally taught me about The Man Crush when venting his anger over Brett Farve. He acutely diagnosed the sick media obsession that blossomed into the near-parody coverage of the recent “OOPS I DID IT AGAIN!!” moment from our favorite Tough Guy. How many times can you quit and come back until your reputation is destroyed? We now have the answer: Three. Maybe Brett and Brittany have something in common after all. Someone protect his kids soon.

Now for the academics. The Man Crush exists when a heterosexual guy admires or idolizes another guy to the point of it appearing he has a crush on the dude. Think Frodo and Sam in LOTR. Or the attitude of a love sick teenage girl that breathlessly waits and pounces on the object of her affection, giggling all the time. Despite obvious flaws, the object of affection can do no wrong. No amount of attention is enough.

By a twist of fate, I happened to just finish reading the TWILIGHT SAGA drenched in this OCD form of love. I’m calling out ESPN, FOX, etc as the Bella Swan to Brett Farve, the vampire who has sucked all the life out of my sports world.

Tim O’Brien, an expert on personal branding says Farve’s brand is Toughness. I say it has now changed to Prima-donna. How sad.

You can say I’m just an old Broncos fan who loves Elway and hates the rest. Fair criticism, but in head to head competition in the Super-bowl, Elway turned in a spectacular “helicopter” play and showed who really has more determination to win. Farve may have the records, thanks to playing on much better teams, with better talent and protection, but Elway can now take his rightful place as the Tough quarterback since Brittany Farve is too busy making out with the media and his ego to notice he has destroyed his legacy forever.

The Hostess with the Mostess

I recently read The Host, by Stephenie Meyer, the reigning queen of estrogen-powered vampire books and newest LDS pop-culture phenomenon. Unlike the Twilight SAGA, this book is written for adults and thankfully, the boy-crazy meter was dialled down from 1,000 to 500.

First, a few words about the SAGA, as they shaped my perceptions of the author and my outlook on The Host. I'll freely admit that I've read the first three Twilight books and enjoyed them. They are a quick read, and will keep you up at night turning the pages against your will. Its Harry Potter style marathon reading. I really enjoyed a different outlook on Vampires (at least from my past experience) and the plot presents an interesting pickle. Plus, the books are more about longing, passion and self-discovery than power, violence, murder and gratification, which is a refreshing change of pace from most vampire works I'm acquainted with.

Despite my enjoyment, I felt like an intruder in a strange country that I had no business visiting - a woman's mind. And a teenage one at that. Seriously. I thought boys were obsessed with girls in high school. Wow. If those books really are close to reality for the average teenage girl, I'm tempted to buy some chastity belts, a double-barrel shot-gun and a can of Bear Spray (just for good measure) right now.

Here is my one complaint with the SAGA and it consequently, my one issue with The Host: They all seem unnecessarily long. By the way, I'd never dare to complain about boy craziness, since men are much worse in their obsessions with women. Overall, I like the plots, the characters, storyline, but it just feels drug out, in certain spots. I'll give some background on The Host and explain.

The novel is set in the not-too-distant future were aliens have invaded and virtually conquered the earth. They didn't do it with guns and "Lasers" and they don't get sick from the common cold. Which was a good change. They are a species of silvery parasites that have conquered several planets and uses the host bodies of the most compatible species on the planet, in this case, humans. Once a host body dies, these Souls (as they call themselves) are re-inserted into a new host body, effectively making them immortal. These souls are very peaceful and altruistic. Most won't touch a gun and thought they were doing us a favor by wiping us and our barbaric lifestyle out of existence. The descriptions of how life on earth is after they take over are hilarious and I wish there was more of it. The Souls have one secret problem. The human minds of some older bodies don't want to let go and stick around to haunt or simply drive the invading Soul nuts hoping to regain control, but it is a terrible prison.

That alone got me to read the book. Trapped in your mind, with no control over your body and having to hear the occupier's thoughts. It makes for some great reading. Plus, it was from a woman's perspective, which made it all the more alien and interesting to me.

Another problem these invaders have is the emotional and carnal power of the body on the mind. We can all relate to this problem, which made the book thought provoking. It also shows some of Meyer's LDS roots. The Souls have never encountered a species with such strong emotions and memories - yes, they can remember everything from the host body's life. So, when a resistance fighter, Melanie is captured and attempts suicide, the Souls put one of their best in her body to discover her secrets and wipe out the last of the humans. Wanderer, the name of the Soul sent on this mission finds that she can't resist the memories and feelings of Melanie's former life and love. To make matters worse, Melanie is sticking around and forcing memories on Wanderer all the time in hopes of driving her to go find the man she loves and the brother she must protect. Wanderer is overwhelmed by this new body, its powerful emotions, memories and finds herself becoming one with its desires.

The book effectively becomes a love triangle with only two people. But its much more than that. The mental battle between the two women, and their interactions with others is very entertaining to read and yes, I was up late reading the book on several occasions. As I said, my only beef is with the plot being drug out in certain areas, and not enough in others. The portion in the middle, set in the desert could be condensed and other parts such as the new alien human culture should have been expanded. It reminds me of the stall in The Phantom Menace (Star Wars I) where the pod race story takes way too long. Maybe a second book will follow with more of what I crave. [Photo below is of Picacho State Park, a setting in the book]

I experienced a similar frustration with Harry Potter. I like mystery and out of school stuff, but spare me herbology and excessive quidditch competitions. As you can guess, the 7th book was by far and away my favorite. I'm hoping for a similar change in Breaking Dawn, the final book in...THE SAGA.

To any of the three dudes that read this blog and may contemplate reading this book, it still has a high-volume of boy craziness, but its not puppy love and I could identify with it. I'm guessing Meyer had to keep some of this element for her teenage girl fan base, or maybe she just enjoys writing about forbidden love, burning passion, etc, etc. It stays clean and I say more power to her. You go BYU Grad!

Overall, this was a great break from typical sci-fi novels because it was from a feminine perspective in a typically masculine genre. Plus, I genuinely like chick flicks and tearing up. As an unintential bonus, that scores me HUGE wife points. So go figure. I'd recommend this book to just about anyone.

Death & Life - and - Life & Death

!SUGGESTION! - In order to get the full effect of this post, I suggest you play "La Petite Fille De La Mer" by Vangelis in my sidebar after you read this post. Don't blame me though if you cry... After watching The Dark Knight recently, I naturally got thinking about my own mortality. How long will I live? Out of habit, I went to the place with all the answers: GOOGLE. Which is starting to scare me, becuase I mindlessly plug queries into that search engine and often just accept what I see in the top 10 results. Wouldn't Bill Gates and Dick Cheney kill to have that power? But maybe they do already...

So who was at the top of the list for caluculating life expectancy? Our good friends at Wharton University. Are you going to question them? I didn't think so. Here is the link if you care to discover your own expiration date:

http://gosset.wharton.upenn.edu/mortality/perl/CalcForm.html

I shall forbear the details of my own entries. The results are what fascinate me. Here they are:

Life Expectancy: 84.39

Lower Quartile : 76.63

Median Lifetime: 86.87

Upper Quartile : 94.83

Not bad, assuming Julie can handle all of my bad humour, manners and unyielding flatulence for another 53 years. But wait! It gets better, I took the option of analyzing my health risks. I selected all of them since I'm hungry for precise, indisputable information about my future.

ANALYSIS RESULTS [Law & Order sound]

-Not smoking is a great choice! Your life expectancy is maximized by not smoking

-If you have 2-3 drinks per day, your life expectancy would be 0.26 years longer

-If you do not drive, your life expectancy would be 0.34 years longer

-If you do not have any stress listed in the table, your life expectancy would be 0.51 years longer

-If you become a conditioning exercizer, your life expectancy would be 0.59 years longer

-Consuming all 5 classes of food everyday has maximized your life expectancy

-If you do not have any sexual partner, your life expectancy would be 0.34 years longer

-If you sleep 7 hours a day, your life expectancy would be 0.30 years longer

If all of the above choices are adopted, your life expectancy would be 2.11 years longer.

That's it?!? Two measly years if I start drinking, quit driving, eliminate all stress, exercise like a fiend, abstain from my wife (that one really hurts), and stew in bed for one more hour per day.

Talk about a bad commercial for healthly living. Maybe the statisticians and actuarial scientists that cooked these calculations are just trying to justify their current slothful, beer-filled, sleep-in lifestyles and show that change is futile. And maybe it is. After all... (I'm kinda serious here) the world may not make it to 2061. Nuclear holocaust, global warming - brought on by Buy n Large (the satanic corporation in Wall-E), hostile alien invasion, or religious events such as the Second Coming or End of the World. Why bother saving for retirement, changing lifestyle habits or abstain from skydiving?

If none of the above happens. I get two more years. Honestly, it dosen't seem worth it. Like Austin Powers, "I also like to live dangerously." So I say: ROCK ON, go to Disneyland, climb Long's Peak, Hang 10 on a pipeline, go cliff diving, splunking and fight crime as a vigilante - Assuming you can get away from your desk job for long enough to do that stuff.

In honor of this auspicious discovery, I have added a widget on my side bar that will now track the days I have left on this beautiful planet (Unless I am compelled to take it off the site by forces much more powerful than me). The painting on the right is entitled, Obscured by the Passge of Time by David Luksha. It helps make this post seem much more deep than it really is. In closing, let us say as as Cameron from Ferris Buller's Day Off : "Have a nice life..."