Reality vs. Sword Dreams

I am a Star Wars baby and therefore one of my favorite sounds in the whole world is the menacing hum of a lightsaber. As the years drew on, I began to occasionally fiddle with role-playing games such as Dungeons & Dragons, despite my father's warnings that it was part of the Occult. He once told me of a youth who jumped off a cliff in a D&D game to earn more "magic" from the Dungeon Master. Of course, he left out the high probability this guy was blitzed on LSD.

Tangent. Sorry about that. Other movies back in the day such as Conan the Barbarian, Highlander and Excalibur fueled my fascination, not to mention video games, Nephi and the Sword of Laban. As a kid I secretly tried a few times to make a sword with a wooden stick and aluminum foil that I'd heat then sharpen... Never exactly worked out. You can imagine my delight and humor in the following article entitled, Generation X Sword Making.

http://www.anvilfire.com/FAQs/swords_faq_index.htm

This article basically rips on fools like me with dreams of forging my own blade of power. Here are some highlights if you don't want to read it:

First, you should ask yourself,
"Why do I want to make a sword?"
Then,
What do I intend to DO with it?

A sword is a weapon. Like a Bowie knife or gun they are a weapon designed for one person to kill another. Do you intend to kill someone? Are you playing games? Or do you just think it would be "neat" to have a sword hanging on the wall?

Most of the time I know the answers to these questions, perhaps better than you. But, do YOU know the answers?

You are a young male (99% of you and under 30). You are fascinated by weapons of all types. You like the movies Conan the Barbarian and Highlander (I, II, III. . .), and watch the television shows Highlander, Zena, Hercules and The Immortal (among others).

You may be into Dungeons and Dragons or the SCA (Society for Creative Anachronism). You think a sword shouldn't be too hard to make. You will want to play with it. Perhaps mock combat with one of your friends. You haven't thought about the fact that you or your friends could be, maimed, blinded or killed "just playing".

Do not deny it. It is your nature. It is why there are 10 - 12 accidental gun deaths of children every day in America. It is almost always boys handling the gun and the victim is almost always their best friend or neighbor. Swords do not kill quite as easily as guns but dead is still dead.

Sword Myths/Fiction:

• Blood does not make a superior quenchant (an old myth).
• Neither virgins or slaves have been used to test swords (that is a children's story).
• You cannot chop a machine gun barrel in two with a Japanese sword (modern myth).
• Ancient steels were not superior to modern alloy steels (another modern myth).
• Adamantium is a fictional comic book element without any basis in reality (like Kryptonite). It is just another "Unobtainium".
• Mithirl (J.R.R. Tolkien) another MYTHical metal.
• You cannot cold forge a sword from a leaf spring (modern web myth - parody).

As if all of this were not painful enough to learn, I then found this HIGHLY reputable article on why a real lightsaber is not going to happen anytime soon.

http://ask.yahoo.com/20040329.html

Garbage. My dreams, as usual have been crushed. I guess in the game of Rock, Scissors & Paper, the cold unforgiving rock of reality crushes the scissors (swords) of my dreams.

ARRRRRR... Would You Rather?

In honor of National Talk Like a Pirate Day, http://fletchword.blogspot.com/2008/09/talk-like-pirate-day.html I'd like to present the following clips:

Enough frivolity. Now for my answers to some serious "Would you rather?" questions:

• Be the sand castle or the wave? - The wave. I am a force of nature.
• Always have to say everything on your mind or never speak again? - Say everything (as if I don't already)
• Publish your diary or make a movie on your most embarrassing moment? - I guess I've already decided this one.
• Have a firecracker blow up in your mouth, or drill a small hole in your own forehead? - I hate oral pain. Give me the drill.
• Forget who you were or who everyone else was? - So this is a choice between being Jason Bourne and Drew Barrymore in 50 first dates. I would be Bourne and then snap your neck.
• French kiss a dog or have a baby spit up drool into your open mouth? - I've already had my kid puke in my mouth. I could do it again.
• Would you rather drink 1 gallon of ketchup or 1 gallon of mustard? - Ketchup. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down...
• Would you rather meet the Jonas Brothers or meet Miley Cyrus? - Wow. Miley so my daughters would think I'm cool for 5 minutes.
• Would you rather live as a dog or live as a cat? - I hate to be patronized and beg for people's attention. Plus, a cat would have an unmitigated license to kill.
• Would you rather go to a wild concert or a relaxing and joyful spa? - I'm getting old. Give me the joyful spa (I can feel the sunshine and hear the birds singing now).

Needless to say, I'll be wearing my "Surrender the Booty" T-shirt today. Now back to work ye scurvy dogs!

Dear Barry

You told me you were all about change. The Audacity of Hope. Prove it. Bring it. I don't want a public option, trillions of dollars in debt for loaded bills that no one reads or really cool windmills. The world is going to hell in a hand-basket. The Bible says so. Why not bother to change the one thing that matters, which the Bible is silent on? I know you want to change the BCS. In case you forgot. Here are your words from the gossip rag, 60 Minutes:

Now is the time for change. I DEMAND IT!!! If my kids have to live under the scourge of ludicrous debt and poor health care for all, I want them to at least have a legit college playoff with a bonafide National Champion. After all, sports will save us from an Orwellian nightmare of Massive Oligarchical Collectivist distopia. As you said, "This is important!"

Perhaps you think I'm getting riled up with delusions of grandeur that BYU has a shot this year. In case you didn't notice, our psychopath at quarterback nearly flipped out again in our stunning win over Oklahoma tonight. I have no title aspirations for my Cougars. But I want equality. Truth. Justice. If you want to go after fat-cats who oppress the downtrodden, fix the BCS. Raise a tribunal on those greedy punks that will make the steroid hearings a joke. Pander to me. Give me red meat.

If you break up the BCS, I will vote for you in 3 years. Depending on how the playoff system works out and if I have my fingers crossed right now as I type (amazing, I know). In politics we prize the middle ground and this is it. Make the American people proud. Cement your legacy and save us from M.O.C. distopia. Destroy the anti-trust BCS system. Be a man. Make it happen. YES YOU CAN!!! [Woooooo...]

Perhaps you are asking how? This is probably the most difficult task on the planet besides global warming and ensuring the new Green Religion is not separated from the state. Just use the trick you pulled to beat out Hillary. I'm sure those sadistic, toadish oppressors of the BCS will cave to your irresistible power:

Daddy Unicorn

Today I'd like to share a video that is a perfect representation of how my kids assault me when I'm tired. All I ask is that you replace the name "Charlie" with "Daddy" and you'll see how things are with me and my girls.

Here is the greatest tribute to Pachelbel's Canon in D of all times. Be sure to stick it out to the end as that's where the best stuff happens.

1984 in 2009

Yesterday I had to make a trip up to Casper WY by car, so I decided to hear a classic book on audio, 1984, by George Orwell. Orwell wrote this in 1948 as a warning of an impending massive oligarchical collectivist distopia if Communist ideals were fully embraced. Sounds heavy. I'm going to assume you know something about the book. If not, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nineteen_Eighty-Four. Leave it to me to come up with some absurd thoughts while listening to the unabridged recording:

• Big Brother - He is everywhere on posters, with his enormous mustache and eyes that follow you. Today we now understand that Chuck Norris is Big Brother. Here's why: http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/
• Telescreen - Orwell's idea of the telescreen was visionary. Now that we have web-cams built into most modern monitors and laptops, the idea of the government being able to watch us at all times is getting closer. Where he missed the boat was the idea that telescrens would only be for propaganda. More on that in a bit.
• New Speak - In 1984, this is how the M.O.C. government uses words to control thought. Today we call it being politically correct or P.C. Even that has become too cliche and the expression Culturally Sensitive is more appropriate. Terrorists are Insurgents? And yet I'm still a Mormon right-wing nut job. Give me some 84'. Newspeak was another brilliant prediction by Orwell. I'm no English major, so the explanations of the new condensed language went over my head, until he said the opening of the Declaration of Independence would simply be translated as: Thought-crime.
• Winston - The main character, Winston Smith is like Neo (from the Matrix). He knows there is something wrong with the world, can't exactly say what it is and will heroically try to do something about it. In 1984 fashion, instead of becoming a messiah, he gets the snot tortured out of him until he becomes sane (insane). He also has a thing for smoking cigarrets. In 2009, his name would more appropriately be McDonald, a pitiful man addicted to greasy, synthetic cheeseburgers.
• War is Peace - Orwell's big mistake comes here. He totally missed the boat on the power of sports to captivate the human mind and enslave them to a personally meaningless cause. Avraham Gileadi decries sports as the worship of false idols, comparable to the gladiator games causing the downfall of Roman rule. Orwell didn't see a world filled with ESPN 8 ("The Ocho"), fantasy sports, instant mobile sports news, sling-box, DVR and enormous time spent in front of Telescreens, were the people could be watched and controlled. As a young man, I found a good outlet for my violent tendencies in football (and heavy metal). http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qa3852/is_199901/ai_n8838371/. If the M.O.C. had realized this, they would have gone the way of modern China and the former C.C.C.P., training athletes from birth, allowing people to spend all of their "surplus" energy and emotion on sports, rather than a constant state of war.

So I came away from this book convinced capitalism is good, socialism is bad and sports will save the world. That pretty much sums up us knuckle dragging inbred religious conservatives. Of course, my crowd still believes in the 2-minute hate (AKA - Organized Religion) and the idea that "Ignorance is Strength" as we shield our children from the base and vile things of the world.

Perhaps if Orwell had known about Hypno Toads, he would have had the M.O.C. use them instead of ghastly torture sessions in the Ministry of Love:

Mr. Fair - I have now finished my book report. I demand a change to my Sophomore high school transcript from a C- to a gentleman's C.