More Blood & Ankles

Wow. I don't know what to say. Maybe I'm getting old or don't want to preserve a Horcrux with much of me over 40 in it... but I must chronicle the assault on Bierstadt.

Mt. Beard-Stats

Chad Viesturs invited me to make a campaign for the summit and I answered the call on October 28, 2017. I planned on cold, but alas was quite unprepared. No gloves, no long socks, no balaclava. I brought much shame to the house of Eagle.

But fortunately our fearless leader was crazy prepared with gloves and facial gear. All this helped, but as we got over 13,000 ft; the snow drifts became deeper and my exposed ankles began to take a beating.

So why didn't I turn around? First, I was there for fun and no stupid bloody ankles would ruin it. Second, pride. Third, stupidity. Fourth, I was working hard so I seemed warm at the time. Fifth, numbness led me to believe I was in better shape than I was. Needless to say, it was metal.

So I thought I'd just shrug it off, but no such luck. Blisters turned to open sores and soon I couldn't wear regular shoes. Behold the pictures and damage!!

How I rock at Church. 

Playa Del Carmen Meets My Dad Bod

White. Sandy. Beaches.

The Boss has said these words over and over again when describing the ideal vacation. Last week we finally made it to the Atlantic side of Mexico, at a resort near Playa Del Carmen. As usual, the woman who acts as the Liahona or Director in my life guided us right (even if I never give heed or pay attention).

BTW - My slideshow is near the bottom if you don't want to read any of this fried froth. 

We stayed at Ocean Riviera Paradise, an all-inclusive resort. The beach was incredible. The first two days were surreal with crystal clear turquoise water. We Kayaked in the ocean, para-sailed and snorkeled.  While snorkeling, I came upon a school of fish that must have been in the thousands. If you'd just float, they would encircle you and it was absolutely beautiful to be surrounded by them. Later, we visited the Tulum Ruins and Xel-Ha park, and did cliff diving, an obstacle course, lazy river and snorkeled in the natural aquarium created by the seashore. Can't recommend it all enough. Outstanding. Vacation.

Of course, everything I just said is pseudo corporate propaganda. Now, my Horcrux will give you the uncensored takes on the rest of this trip.

• Fairly international crowd. Plenty of Americans but many visitors from all over the world. Created an interesting scene and way more Speedos on dudes than I would have liked. Also, many of the women there rocked the thong or g-string look and were surprisingly able to pull it off (although many didn't). My group seemed like a wandering Mennonite faction on vacation. Usually when I go to the beach its a reminder why most of us cover-up. But kudos to this crowd, they made me feel like crap. 
• All Inclusive resorts mean all food and drink are included with the cost of your stay. Unfortunately for those of us who don't do alcohol, I think I must have SORELY overpaid as liquor is usually the priciest thing on the menu. The food was surprisingly good with seven themed restaurants and was way better than the "Frat-style" all inclusive place I stayed at in Cabo which was mostly just about the drinks. The best was the incredulous reactions from the staff when you tell them you don't want Alcohol. I mastered the art of asking for drinks without booze. My favorite was the virgin mint mojito. 
• Be prepared to tip. A TON.  I haven't carried that much cash since my college days. Make it rain baby!!! 
  
• Dollars. In my dry climate, they just seem like paper, down there, they feel like wet cloth. Nothing like sweaty cash soaking a spot in your pocket. 
• Don't drink the flipping water. This includes ice.  The cliche is absolutely true. Fortunately, I got sick on the last day and didn't destroy the plane, but I'm now on day 3 of a stomach virus and I've lost any weight I gained... the hard way. IT BURNS!!! I think I got it from fruit or some salad, but what's done is done. Mexico giveth, and taketh away. 
• If you go in May, prepare to sweat. Constantly. I'm not a humidity person and I tried to enjoy it for what it was, but I was ready to come home to my dry climate and continue my wrinkly ways. 
• Pepsi Light is a sad replacement for Diet Coke. Don't even think about Diet Dew. The room service though I was strait insane when I asked for 4 Pepsi Lights to be delivered to my room. "No Tequila? No Beer?" The guy was stunned and just laughed the whole time. 
• The Breakfast of Champions? All-Bran with shredded coconut. The rest including the omelettes were too greasy. 
• The A/C in your room becomes this wonderful arctic lair to retreat to. I was actually relieved I need to get some work done here and there and hang out in the room. 
• I suck at sunbathing. I can't get an even tan (burn) and people just laugh when they see me with my shirt over my face like a dead beached whale. 
• Thanks to everyone being nearly naked, you feel like a perv just walking around. I can't seem to escape that creepy-middle-aged dude aura. 
• Mexican TV is utterly terrible. What can I say more? 
• By the end, I couldn't help the compulsion to speak in Spanglish constantly. I couldn't stop it until today. I'm like Buzz Light-year on Spanish mode when I go down there. I need Ramses or professional help. 
• This region is well known to spring breakers for wet t-shirt competitions, etc. I was hoping to find a dad-bod competition I could win. I currently have the perfect ratio of man-boob to gut and I know I would have nailed it. But apparently, its not a thing down there. And yes, Dad Bod is legit and some women love it: 

DAD BOD IS FOR REAL 

The best part about this trip? I feel totally refreshed. Curly from City Slickers was full of crap with this quote: 

“Y’all come up here about the same time with the same problems. You spend 50 weeks a year getting knots in your rope and you think 2 weeks up here will untie them for you. None of you get it.”

My Dwight side says - False. I do get it. My one thing Curly?

After working my tail off for a month prior to the trip, non-stop laziness was perfection. It also helps to have a Boss that does all of the planning. Division of Labor. Feeling it. All things circular.

If you read this far, you must be my mom, blood or one of the Mennonites that were there.

Or you could be suffering from the same diarrhea and have nothing better to read during your throne time. If that is the case, I feel your pain, but don't let it stop you from going back. Here are some photos from the trip:

The Vacation of Champions

As you know I avoid putting names on this blog so ask me on the side if you want to know who these lovely pale people are. Until next time, Via con queso!!

P.S.

"I told him I did not know what they called it, but I would give it a name; I will call it fried froth, or philosophy, just which you please." - Brigham Young

Letter to My Daughters as LDS Women

Girls,

After a wonderful road trip with Lizard, I realized I should be doing more to share with you my perspective on what a unique blessing it is be a Latter-Day Saint woman. I love each of you deeply and want you to live life to its full and have joy in it. Unfortunately, challenges are on the horizon for you. Much fuss has been made and will continue to be made over the role of women in our faith. You may hear that women are treated poorly as second class citizens, with no authority in the Church. Some may criticize the Church of valuing women only for their virtue and ability to bear children. Like breeding stock with no rights, purpose or genuine importance. This is a gross perversion of the doctrines contained within God's plan.

Some women, men and groups advocate for women to be ordained to the priesthood to compensate for these perceived injustices or to justify themselves in leaving the faith or indulging in sin. Perhaps one day you will struggle with this topic or feel like a second class citizen. If so, I'm sorry for your pain. I can appreciate why you might feel that way. But, I'd like to share some things with you that are unique to our faith regarding women and how they surpass all teachings I am aware of in any organized religion on the role, purpose and potential of women.

For me, these truths are an essential part of my testimony that God's plan exalts men and women as they become united in marriage and one with God. All blessings of this union being equal. What follows is my opinion as I understand the doctrine and how it applies to you:

• You, specifically as a female, are created in the image of God. Genesis 1:26-27 Our whole concept of God is unique in that we believe the only way to be like God is for a man and a woman to be sealed together, with the power to create life throughout eternity.  1 Cor 11:11, D&C 131:1-4, D/C 132:19-2, The Family: A Proclamation to the World, O My Father, v.3

• In Genesis, the verse says let us make man in our own image. This commonly is only thought to refer to Christ. But there is no such thing as God the Father without his wife or Heavenly Mother. Was she there and involved? I think so. Life is created in patterns as Genesis describes. I don't think Adam was an animated clay statue with life mystically brought into him. I think the Father and Mother consumed food from the earth they created and then brought forth Adam and Eve through the same basic process we know today.  So yes, you are literally a daughter of your Heavenly Mother.
• Why isn't this emphasized more? I don't know. My guess is that entering into this life is somewhat of a given and getting back to Exaltation is a male priesthood responsibility so the role of the Father and Son are emphasized.

• Women are divinely ordained to stewardship for the creation of life and nurturing it. We teach that when we left our first estate we passed through the veil into mortality to be tested Abr 3:25. This implies passing through the veil is to clothe the spirit with a physical body. Like a woman giving birth to a child. A favorite hymn teaches: veiled the Lord in flesh O God the Eternal Father, v.4. The ordinances of the temple clarify this further. We see that Eve naturally responded to the desire to create life as it was part of her eternal identity and purpose. But due to the fall, the Lord offers Himself a sacrifice for our sins. Through His power, bestowed to sons created in His image, the Priesthood work of Salvation -- to pass through the veil back into Exaltation is possible. 

• Hopefully you can now see how women and men fill necessarily separate, but absolutely essential roles. Both women and men are assisted by Jesus Christ to fill the measure of their creation. His atonement is symbolic of being born again by blood, water and the spirit; like a woman delivering a child. In birthing and raising children, women emulate Jesus Christ and become like Him and their Heavenly Mother. So naturally, men need a way to emulate or follow Him as well. This is done through priesthood service and why receiving the Melchizedek Priesthood is essential for exaltation to participate in the ordinances for the temple. 
• Women will become Queens and Priestesses NT Manual. To me this implies ruling, authority and the power of God (which cannot be without a unified man and woman). The power of God (man/woman) is just manifest in different ways. Daughters emulate their Mother, sons their Father or His Son. 
• Women cannot create life on their own. It requires union with a man. Now that I've discussed the sacred role of women, is it any wonder God (woman/man) wants this to happen between two souls prepared and sealed in the temple, committed to raising children in righteousness? To me, it is a plain a precious truth. A show of God's (man/woman) love for their children. Likewise, could we possibly expect men to carry out the work of salvation as Priesthood holders without participation and support from Women? Absolutely not. I think this is part of the reason why women help officiate in the temple and serve in relief society - in the pattern of Queens and Priestesses.    

• Many throughout the world in Egypt, India, South America and other religions and cultures have some concept of the Sacred Feminine as well as structures and practices that can be traced to the Temple... that were corrupted or changed over time from what God (woman/man) revealed to Adam. This is because Satan's main goal is our misery and to disrupt the work of Exaltation. What better way to do that, than to twist Men's roles as Priesthood holders into tyrants and then diminish and extinguish the knowledge of women's divine potential? Right there he has half the population slighted and abused with the other corrupted by power and greed. 

• Don't settle for the Devil's propaganda.

• Is it really all that much better to be a man in the Church? After all the stuff I just said, it should be clear the answer is no. But what about power and authority to run the church? All men are expected to listen and follow the counsel of their priesthood leaders the same way women are. Many men will never be the one calling the shots as the Bishop, Stake President or General Authority. Does that mean they weren't real men and a disgrace to the Priesthood. No! And IF they do wind up in those positions, they cannot campaign or buy their way in. They are called by inspiration and to serve those they have stewardship for. 

• Culturally, we have improved and will continue to do so. Please note this doesn't mean the doctrine changed, it means the doctrine and the Atonement have changed us as a people. Hopefully with the help of women like you emulating Christ, this will continue. 

• But what if you don't get married or can't have children? Does that mean you are less of a woman since God (woman/man) only supposedly values you for your birthing hips and reproductive capacity? No! Just as there is so much more to being a Priesthood holder than holding the office of Bishop, etc. Some men are called to that; many are not. Some women are called to be mothers of 15 kids and some are barren. But all women can support the creation of life and the nurture of it! If you are married but can't have kids, adoption may be exactly God's plan for you and those children you take into your home. They say it takes a village to raise a child. And a huge part of that is the influence, example and teaching women impart to all, not just their own kids. This is similar to how a man regardless of his Priesthood office should bless the lives of all in his path, the same way Jesus would. 

• What about polygamy? Doesn't that whole system imply favor to men and a horrible abuse to women? This is a very fair question. Some horrible things have been done and are continuing to happen from Satan inspiring men to twist this doctrine to their own gain and it makes me utterly sick. First, don't forget that the God (woman/man) of Abraham, Issac and Jacob or the 12 tribes of Israel in the bible started with a polygamist family. This practice is not new. I've met with ministers of other faiths who have admitted they can find nothing scriptural against it. Next, I suggest you read the following essay from the Church and get away from half-truths and lies about this topic: Essay on Polygamy. Remember that the Glory of God (woman/man) comes from the exaltation of their children. One man with five women can produce more children. But I honestly believe this is very difficult and only needed when the Lord sees fit. Are you going to have to share your husband after this life? I have no idea. Not all men are called to every Priesthood office and a very small percentage of men and women have called to this practice.  It may be the same after this life. Regardless, I don't believe God (woman/man) is in the habit of forcing people to do things. I have confidence it will all work out in the end. 

If you read this far, remember I love you and am proud of you, regardless of whether or not your life fits a certain mold or has all the boxed checked. I'm grateful your mom inspires me to be better and has worked so hard to raise you to be beautiful, funny, creative, and classy. She is a wonderful example of becoming who you should be. I know each of you will do great things as you live up to your divine potential. Love - Dad. 

The Women's Circle - A Guide for Dudes

If you are a young man on the precipice of marriage or contemplating such a commitment, take heed from an old man further down the road. Let me begin with this:

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” ― H.M. Harwood

During those salad days of courtship and the honeymoon; a man may feel like his opinion is quite important to his lady. You marry thinking this woman cares what you think and expect this will never change. But do not be deceived, this is going to change.. over time, its going to feel like your opinion will count for less and maybe none.. all she seems cares about is what her mom, friends or co-workers think. Don't let this get you down.

We often tend to think of men as the hormonal, bombastic, ego-driven competitive gender. However recent studies have shown this is not entirely accurate. Women are fiercely competitive, but often its manifested in different ways. Initially, women compete with each other over men. This is nice because us guys benefit from it. But once the knot is tied, the competition continues. Beauty, clothes, kids, careers and Instagram auras. Welcome to phase two of the competitive relationship women have with each other.

Enter The Women's Circle. Prepare for the Mommy Wars. 

Men envision glorious combat within places like the "Thunder-dome" or "War Memorial Stadium". But for our beautiful spouses they smile and subtly throw down in the home, at the park or the playground and in the drop-off zone at school. Sadly, this probably happens at Church too. Post marriage, phase two is all about establishing position within The Women's Circle; the governing body that rules all mankind indirectly.

I first heard of The Women's Circle from Robert Jordan's High Epic Fantasy series, Wheel of Time. In a prior post, I've noted my praise and struggles with this series. F-Word: WOT But this is one concept Jordan had right. Here is how the WOT Wiki page summarizes it and I've modified and added a few things to fit modern life:

Across Suburban America, married women hold themselves independent of their husbands and practice a form of gender-based bicameral government. The Women's Circle of each community is an all-female committee whose members are married women within a common community such as a neighborhood, school district or church congregation; often a combination of all three. Each Circle is headed by a Wisdom who is chosen by an unspoken vote of status from the members. The Wisdom is often not the authority on all subjects. For example, one woman may be the Wisdom on children, another on home decor', and others for cooking and fitness. Much of this unspoken communication occurs within social networks such as Pintrest, Instagram and Facebook. However the primary way this happens is through the day-today motions of presentation, imitation and suggestion. For example, a powerful Wisdom may dress her child a certain way, others recognize her taste as superior, imitate it with their own children and then suggest others do the same.  

Hardly any of these decisions had anything to do with your opinion - and rightfully so. Consider this:

As a man, its nice to have your mom or your wife praise what or how you do at work etc. But compare that validation with similar praise from a peer or a competitor in your field. While its appreciated, the validation from other men or peers is often more satisfying because they are your competitors. Likewise, a stay at home mom, career woman or a hybrid model is not going to feel fully validated by her husband's opinion. You walk a different path. Heck, you may just be trying to butter her up for "other" reasons... and she knows it. This is part of the reason why women compete or seek validation and approval from each other --- and not you.

So young brother, just get over it. If fact, you should encourage it! You married a woman hoping she would never change and that was stupid (trust me, I know). People change and hopefully you have for the better. Otherwise, that wonderful, bride of yours may give up on her phase two game and start re-thinking phase one. If you want her support to lead a full life, do the same for her. As the axiom goes, "happy wife, happy life." I'll end with some good Christian wisdom:

 Mark 8:35

For whosoever will save his life shall lose it; but whosoever shall lose his life for my sake and the gospel’s, the same shall save it.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

 Colossians 3:19

Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.

Editor's Note 4/5/17: After some soul searching, I decided to repent and change the tone and message of this post from 3/19/17 which I regret. If you read the original at my behest, my apologies for all the vinegar. I feel like this now says what was on my mind in a much more reasonable manner.  

Ferris Bueller is Tyler Durden

Fight club was a movie that resonated with me. So much so that I later read the book. Some of you may be aware of the theory that Ferris Bueller is really just the split personality of Cameron who has always lived the life Cameron wishes he could. That whole opening sequence faking out the parents? Just in Cameron's head, wishing he had a family that gave a crap about him. First rule about taking the day off? DON'T TALK ABOUT TAKING THE DAY OFF.

Here are some of my favorite quotes from Fight Club, NOW imagine them with Cameron:

“This is your life and its ending one moment at a time.” 

 “You know how they say you only hurt the ones you love? Well, it works both ways.” 

 “You are not special. You're not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else. We're all part of the same compost heap. We're all singing, all dancing crap of the world.” 

 “It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything.” 

Ferris Club - Original Version from Robbe Rees on Vimeo.

I doubt this was John Hughes intention, but in my search for meaning I'm going to say he was a genius with this film.

Christmas should come in Bags not Boxes

Years ago, I convinced a beautiful, charming teenage woman to enter a legal contract designed to sell her as chattel to my whims. Our business arrangement was based on the principle of specialization for men and women as follows:

"Specialization of marriage is a powerful force in a family, benefiting the husband and children alike. Parents produce more when they occupy specialized roles, so they can offer higher quality homes, cars, furniture and clothes while raising their own children." - Duke Glorystone

Fast forward about a decade. The system is working well. Only problem is I never know jack about all the "obvious" special rules the Boss has for our family. Example:

I take money from my specialized labor role and purchase presents and trinkets to go in her stocking at Christmas. I assume the stocking itself is its own wrapping and hence do not wrap any items in the stocking. During our joyous Christmas celebration I am informed this is heartless, thoughtless and am shamed into wrapping all items in the stocking. 

Needless to say I've carried a chip on my shoulder ever since about wrapping presents. Not only is uncouth to not wrap everything in the stocking, putting a gift in a bag to avoid wrapping is an insult as well. So I wrap everything in a grudge and I hate it. 

Well this year after picking up bag after bag of wrapping waste and boxes, I had a wonderful idea. A beautiful awful idea!

Why should there be so much waste? And as a side benefit, why all this blasted wrapping? I think we all know its bad for the environment, but educate yourself with my totally legit internet research: http://www.recycleworks.org/resident/holiday_facts.html

Facts on Holiday Waste From Thanksgiving to New Year's Day, household waste increases by more than 25%. Added food waste, shopping bags, packaging, wrapping paper, bows and ribbons all add up to an additional 1 million tons a week to our landfills (Source: EPA). In the U.S., annual trash from gift-wrap and shopping bags totals 4 million tons (Source: Use Less Stuff). Cards An estimated 2.6 billion holiday cards are sold each year in the United States, enough to fill a football field 10 stories high. Electronic holiday greeting cards, offered through a variety of websites, are a convenient, no-cost, waste-free alternative (Source: CalRecycle). If we each sent one less card, we'd save 50,000 cubic yards of paper (Source: Use Less Stuff). Here are ideas to recycle, buy recycled and reuse cards. Ribbons If every family reused just two feet of holiday ribbon, the 38,000 miles of ribbon saved could tie a bow around the entire planet (Source: CalRecycle). Food At least 28 billion pounds of edible food are wasted each year - equating to over 100 pounds per person (Source: Use Less Stuff). Paper Half of the paper America consumes is used to wrap and decorate consumer products (Source: The Recycler's Handbook, 1990).  Holiday Trees Approximately 33 million live Christmas trees are sold in North America every year (Source: EPA). To help prevent waste from cutting down and disposing of live trees, you can buy a potted tree and plant it after the holidays.  Gifts The average American spends $800 on gifts over the holiday season (Source: American Research Group). According to a national survey, 70% of Americans would welcome less emphasis on gift giving and spending (Source: Center for a New American Dream). About 40% of all battery sales occur during the holiday season. Buy rechargeable batteries to accompany your electronic gifts, and consider giving a battery charger as well. Rechargeable batteries reduce the amount of potentially harmful materials thrown away, and can save money in the long run (Source: EPA). Transportation If each family reduced holiday gasoline consumption by one gallon (about twenty miles), we'd reduce greenhouse gas emissions by one million tons (Source: Use Less Stuff).

So next year, I'm going to do my part, by NOT WRAPPING A DANG THING. Its all going to come in bags that get re-used every year and a stocking is a perfectly acceptable wrapper. SAVE THE EARTH!!

and my sanity.