Marley & "PG"

I took my family to see Marley & Me for a celebration yesterday. I should say from the outset, I enjoy dogs, but they are not for me. Constant barking, huge piles of feces, potential biting all traded for some affection and the "I have a guard dog" thing. That's just my view, I know many would disagree.

So the movie? Very enjoyable. Great humour from broke-nose Wilson and Aniston gets back some of her comedic charm from her Friends days. Marley is down-right hilarious in many moments that are very memorable and make the movie. Some of the best stuff is from Alan Arkin (Wilson's Editor). I won't give it away. Even as a non-dog person, I found much of the movie to be be funny, endearing and realistic. Gives a good taste of how tough day-to-day life can be for working parents.

But this movie has a major shortcoming that prevents it from being a "family" classic. Its not exactly kid friendly. Not so much because they put the dog to sleep at the end of the movie (we warned the kids before going), but for adult content. Yes, adult content in a PG flick. So I'm sharing some "Parental Guidance" with you. Think twice before showing to kids. Would you believe this film contains skinny dipping? And its no quick fade to black sort of thing either. Not to mention multiple scenes of Aniston and Wilson on top of each other ready to "make babies." Its not overly scandalous; if it were just me and the wife, it wouldn't be the end of the world, but with my kids, yes. Anytime I feel compelled to cover my kids eyes, I'm ticked. Plus, it ruins the ability of this film to be a cheap baby-sitter for the kids on DVD!

Overall, this is a great movie; just not for the kids, which is disappointing. You'll laugh and cry. Guys, my advice is just let the tears flow if you are with women. Huge points. Shoot, I'd cry more if I could, but I'm too cold hearted most of the time, but this dog found a way through to me.

We Don't Deserve to Win

My Beloved Broncos are playing for their playoff lives this Sunday. They have overcome tremendous adversity to even be thinking about the playoffs, but when you are in the worst division in football, anything is possible.

In order to pull this off, we'll have to beat San Diego (my ESFIL's team) at their house. Our recent history against the Chargers is not good. Since 2006, we are 1-4, with a combined point total of 185-92. That's some serious beat-down losses. Phillip Rivers is a hot-head and a poor sport, but I'm sure he felt the swagger when he tauted Cutler after an embarrassing loss on Christmas Eve in 2007. The only win we have against these guys in that stretch was handed to us by the Ed "The Body" Hoculi, the ref who blew a call. Granted, we came back, made plays and they didn't to win the game, but it could easily be said we are 0-5 against the current Chargers squad. Since we stole the last game, I'd say Karma demands the Bolts win this next game. Sad but true.

But here's an even better reason. Our team is being sabotaged by our trainers. Clearly they have a personal vendetta against Pat Bowlen. Think I'm crazy? How else do you explain Selvin Young, Andre Hall, Michael Pittman, P.J. Pope, Ryan Torian, Peyton Hillis and Anthony Aldridge all going in the IR in one season? We have turned to Tatum Bell, an ex-Bronco who was recently selling cell phones at a kisok in a mall to run the ball for us. Is this a movie? And lets not forget Champ Bailey our best cornerback, and our first string linebacking core of D.J. Williams, Nate Webster and Boss Baily have all gone down at some point this season. We got so desperate that we turned to a rookie Spencer Larsen, to start BOTH WAYS, a first in Broncos history. (Incidentally, Larsen goes to church with a colleague of mine).

So what gives? Did Bowlen cut their salaries? Father an illegitimate child and offer no support? Deny the trainers full access to Shannahan's tanning bed? I don't know, but his is mutiny. During the season we are at sea and mutiny calls for death. Yes, I'm calling for the public execution of the 2008 Broncos training staff. We'll do it by firing squad in front of the capital on the 5,280 Ft above sea level step. Even if we do that, I hold out no hope for our team. We'll roll over so another pathetic 8-8 team can go to the playoffs and at least have a healthy chance of winning.

Christmas Thoughts

On this joyous day I have a few quick things to share.

1. I created some high-fructose masterpieces earlier in the month to offer as a sacrifice to the immortal being known as Santa. Although I was quite pleased with my offerings, as was Cain; I could not wait for the appointed time of death and ate my supplications before the appointed hour. Perhaps things would have gone better for Cain if he had done the same. My handiwork is below:

In the spirit of the holidays, I created a ginger-bread-esque man in homage to Quato, the mutant that hides in a man's stomach on Total Recall. I could almost hear him murmuring "OPEN YOUR MIND TO ME." Next, I created what appears to be an Angel of Death, but that's just the Ghost of Christmas Future. No big difference. Finally, I made an unconventional JOY cookie to show that even bad colors can be festive at Christmas time.

2. My 24 Hr. Fitness is closed on Dec. 24th (after 4PM) and on the 25th. Rather infuriating. Are there no heathens in this place to watch overweight people run like gerbils on treadmills during Christmas???

3. While waiting to get a video chat from my mother today, I looked up one of my favorite topics, DEATH RAYS. I found this highly reliable article on the Internet and thoroughly enjoyed it. As a fan of the Prestige and all the Tesla stuff therein, I now give it to you:
http://www.bibliotecapleyades.net/tesla/esp_tesla_2b.htm

Alright. This could be the worst Christmas Post ever. I'll do something serious later. Happy Holidays!

70s Night at the Pepsi Center

A friend of mine recently hooked me up with some tickets to go see the Nuggets tangle with LeBron James at the Pepsi Center or more affectionately known by locals as "The Can." (see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pepsi_Center for hard, undeniable facts that I don't care to re-hash). Can is hardly an appropriate description for this lavish modern-day gladiatorial area. Unfortunately for me, the Nuggets had all the fire of a bunch of pixies in pink tutus. Most of the game they were down by nearly 20 as King James showed his prowess while lame 70s themed promotions occured. Groovy Baby Yeah!! Here a few quick thoughts:

1. LeBron is a FREAK OF NATURE. For some reason seeing him person and at eye-level gave me an appreciation of how tall the guy is compared to everyone else and how the dude is built like a tank. It reminded me of how Karl Malone made the other guys on the court look like girls. Melo looked like some punk kid next to him.

2. The Nugz have the best PA announcer in the world! Kyle Speller has 1.21 Gigowatts in his voice, but due to extreme apathy from our team, he could not ignite the crowd despite his best attempts. I secretly wish I had the pipes to do something like that for a living. I'd live in a stone castle with the "Bulls Warm Up" theme (on the left if you care to listen) playing over and over and me introducing my favorite athletes of all time and doing NFL Films lines "Larry Czonka played full-back like a horse ploughs a field... with a high pain threshold and great determination."

3. The Dancers. Dude. If you went to a game and had seats placed in front of these girls, you'd get cold-clocked by your girlfriend/wife. Its about 1 or 2 steps away from the ol Spearmint Rhino.

4. Games go by quickly when you are poaching a good seat. I snuck down to the first level after the first quarter and nearly wept like a child with fear. Everytime someone would pass by, I'd notice out of the corner of my eye and start forming plans to explain myself. One might say I have authority and punishment issues, but it sure made a horrific game go fast.

5. The parking was awesome. And that's all I'm gonna say, because I don't want anyone else using it.

6. Handle the hot stuff. Thanks to my sneaky seat maneuver, I had to hold the fort and was unable to score any grub at half-time. However, a jalapeno bratwurst was presented to me before the start of the third quarter. It looked like hell on a German Sausage. There must have been 10-15 small peppers on there. I dared to nibble a few and found that the bun actually helped significantly with the heat. Perhaps I'll start taking some Costco rolls with me when I dine Mexican in the future.

Feats of Strength

Wow. Strongman competitions have come a LONG way since the days of Tony Atlas and Ken Patera. Horrible trash talking, classic sports announcers (one who does nothing), bad socks, side burns and a ridiculous event. I now have a new contest for the next bachelor party I attend. Needless to say, the 70s may be the most awkward decade of the last century. Hope you enjoy it!!

Stolen Memories

This is part of an email from the past where I described my car being stolen from our driveway. I'm posting it here for those who may have never heard the story.

Prolouge - It all started one fine morning as I marched out the door to hop into my Honda Civic and battle my way to work. The only problem was that my car was not in the driveway. I marched back into the house thinking Julie was playing a practical joke on me. Her family loves stuff like that. Of course she denied it and we laughed. I accused her again, another denial and we laughed. Finally, I said "Seriously. I have to get to work. Where is the car?" No laughing. We searched the street and it was gone. I called the cops and they had the gaul to tell me they would likely find it within a week. Riiiight. But to my shock and astonishment, we got a call about a week or so later from the police department saying they had found my car. Here is my reaction:

Justice has been served. [THUD] Around 11:00 AM the cops called Julie to tell them they found our car and had 2 suspects in custody. The thieves had stolen 3 civics and left them in a parking lot (covered at least) in an older apartment complex. I went to claim the vehicle and assess the damages. My plates and registration were gone, AND THEY EVEN TOOK THE FLIPPIN NUGGETS LICENSE PLATE COVER!! WHO ARE THESE SICK PEOPLE??? All of my CDs were there, (what? they didn't want Jesus the Christ and 2 sessions of General Conference? What about my lame techno music? They didn't even want that. -- that may be the most insulting thing in this whole fiasco). Overall, the "perps" got to joy ride in my car, kill my ignition, steal my front right signal and go to jail (hopefully). But look at what I got when the car was reclaimed!

1. Set of hardwood nunchucks

2. Empty container of strawberry milk

3. Green crowbar

4. The coat hanger used to break into my car

5. One black glove

6. Cigarette buttock (and they gave me a new lighter - oh joy)

7. Tan jacket

8. A black bra

9. A pirated CD entitled: "Good Sh** -- Kyle's Mix" (full of Ozzy, AC/DC, Metallica -- you were right Mom. Naughty people do listen to that music) and finally...

10. I can now start the car with a screwdriver!!! (how cool is that?)

The healing process can now begin. It wasn't my fault. And like the chick says on "Red Eye" -- never again. [as I slam a pencil in the throat of the perps].

Pandora's Box of Metal

I must share the greatest butt-rock discovery of the 00's. Any poseurs who can't embrace the power of 80s metal should go get a can of Aqua-Net and spray their hair until they get the feeling. Or you could just go to:

http://www.pandora.com/

You'll need to give totally bogus information to get an account, then create a station... To achieve candy-rock Nirvana, just type in "Winger." This is in honor of the first CD I ever bought. Don't even think of mocking me. Once you have created this station you will ascend the hights of the thunderous mount of heavy-metal power and know what it is to truly rock.

In honor of this discovery, I have added a Winger song to my playlist on the left for your enjoyment. I take no responsibility if you find yourself wanting to play an expoloding guitar with a drill, light money on fire and wear a full-body leather leopard suite. Long Live Metal.

Dictator Day

Today as we remember Fidel Castro becoming "President" of Cuba and Napolon being crowned Emporer of France, I'd like to share my thoughts on a few flicks I've seen recently.

QUANTUM OF SOLACE - You know the plot: Bond, tuxedos, chases by foot, chases by car, explosions, martial arts, 2 women: 1 to save, 1 to use, bad guys with secret plot against the world, my little pony and gadgets. Needless to say I enjoyed the movie, however it is a cold and depressed film. This is the middle of a trilogy, which is usually the most sullen act. Bond is angry, and out for vengeance. License to Kill? Considerably. Bond's biggest problem is he can't seem to keep anyone alive long enough to torture information from them (how sad). The action starts with a bang and none of it is disappointing. I heartily enjoyed all of it and several of the tough guy lines. Bond also does nearly every action sequence in a suit (sans tie - very chique), which almost seems like a commercial from Armani and JC Penny tellinig middle aged desk jockeys across the coutry: "You can do anything in a suit."

On to some negatives. Many have said the action and style of this movie is a rip off of the Bourne Saga (Matt Damon). True, but only because that stuff is so good. So why not? Another problem is the plot is hardly advanced from the last film. Yes, I'm getting old. I need more than 10 minutes of plot in a 2 hour film. Finally, I think Q.O.S. has lost a bit of the Bond spirit. Not enough gadgets and debonair talk. That's what makes Bond different. I'm willing to let all that go as this is the 2nd depressed act of a Trilogy and hope Mr. Bond gets back to his suave ways in the 3rd installment. Overall, if you like action flicks, you certainly won't be disappointed in this one.

FRED CLAUS - This was something I had no intention of seeing in the theaters last year, but now its out on DVD and the Holidays are here. Vince Vaughn or Fred Claus is St. Nick's angry older brother (frozen in time with Nick and the rest of the family) who has always been overshadowed by Santa. Fred winds up in the north pole looking for some $$$ and causes all kinds of trouble for Santa, which is funny and enjoyable. If you can suspend the idea that Fred is supposed to be hundreds of years old and would likely not act like such an idiot and that Santa looks like a psychopath on cocaine, you will enjoy this movie. Things start off well, but like many comedies, it takes itself way too serious at the end and becomes rather boring (I actually fell asleep and had to re-watch the last 10 minutes). This isn't a bad way to blow up a few hours on a cold winter's night, but not great either. Regardless, I say - Happy Christmas.