Red Box Etiquette - For the Next Generation

I freely admit when it comes to etiquette, I am an unrefined man. In fact, I looked up the Webster definition before writing this post to be safe.

et·i·quette, noun \ˈe-ti-kət, -ˌket\ : the conduct or procedure required by good breeding or prescribed by authority to be observed in social or official life

Clearly this definition is no longer PC. However, by the world's standards, I'm a serious breeder so I'm now qualified to lecture on Red Box Etiquette.

Thanks to the local Blockbuster and Hollywood Video closing their doors, the only way for me to rent movies is via mail (Netflix or Blockbuster), instant (Netflix) or kiosk (Red Box, Blockbuster, etc.). If you want to rent something on the spur of the moment, the kiosk is now the new video store.

So last night the Boss reserved a copy of "Life as We Know it" and I drove out to the store to pick it up and met with a situation that may be familiar to many of you. An indecisive couple was ahead of me and just stood there for about 3-5 minutes debating each title and browsing the menu, starting over several times. No one was behind me, so I left, did some shopping, came back... and they were still there. Being of good breeding, I didn't chastise them, but still waited a couple more minutes before they gave up and walked away. Setting aside my contempt, I displayed my higher breeding to the people behind me by executing a 30 second transaction thanks to my online reservation and left in an indignant huff.

As I drove home I realized the new era of video rentals needs some rules to be established. Gone are the days of spending 30 minutes picking out a movie in a store. All of my rules below stem from actual experience. In doing this, I fancy myself as Jean Luc Picard, a man of impeccable etiquette, bolding setting a code of conduct for the video rental kiosk in the Next Generation. (It helps if you imagine his voice reading the following): 

1. Realize this is the information age and everyone is "supposedly" in a hurry. In other words, be respectful of other people's time. This is OLD SCHOOL etiquette that confers great personal satisfaction to one's self and close society.  
2. To further prove your good breeding, be respectful and keep your trip to the kiosk under two minutes. 
1. To achieve this, reserve the movie online before going OR have your choices narrowed down to 2 or 3 titles so selection is economical and a pleasure to behold from the line.
3. When it is your turn at the kiosk, you should be off the cell phone and busy closing the transaction. It is rude to stand there leisurely chatting about selection or some other unrelated fried froth. Gentle smiles always follow a disciplined mobile user.   
4. Circle of Comfort - How would you feel if someone followed you around the video store looking over your shoulder at every title considered? I might slap them for such rude behavior. So why is this permitted at the kiosk? I've literally had people about a foot away staring at my entire rental process. Simple rule: When waiting your turn, give the renter 3 feet of space or remain well outside of arm's reach. If I could, I'd paint a "red box" around the rental area and hire a disgruntled DMV employee to tell people to stand behind the line. 
5. If you exceed the two minute limit, ask if the person behind you would like a turn while you use a life line to call for advice on title selection. This is a great courtesy to those simply wanting to return a rental. Your place in the upper realm of high breeding will be secure.

I'm confident if we all commit to this bold new code our own sense of self-actualization will increase by 2.3% and firmly place us on the path to discovering the DVD replicator. Then with the full weight of my pedigree I can proclaim: Movie, Ferris Buller's Day Off... Make it so!

For more fun with Etiquette, visit Etiquette Hell: http://www.etiquettehell.com/