If I were a Communist Singer

Guaranteed happiness if you sing along with me:

Perhaps this video alone demonstrates why we won the Cold War. I'm forbidden to embed this, but it is truly worth your while Comrade. Its a Seinfeld espisde about Santa becoming a Communist. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O6PdecBn2no&feature=related

Thank you Seinfeld. And thank you gentle reader for supporting my Horcrux as it reaches 200 Posts!!

Tron Again

Tron Legacy was the one movie I was super geeked-out over this year. Light bikes, disc battles, awesome body suits... Daft Punk; sounds like a recipe for success. And for the most part it was.

This sequel seems to follow the spirit and general direction of the first film with great results in the first half, but some dull moments in the second. In other words, all of the good action takes place in the first half and the second is devoted to weak plot development that isn't very fulfilling. For example, the first movie starts in reality, guy gets zapped, battles in the games, finds allies, runs from a power crazed program through a virtual world, has some boring moments, then battles the evil program at the end near a column of light to get back to reality. To anyone who saw the first movie you should be having dejavu right now.

Yes, this movie was not so much about plot as special effects and dare I say style? I love modern art and contemporary design so this was my cup of tea. Visually, many sequences were gorgeous. I loved it. The action sequences were great and we even got one drop of blood. These days, I tend to want more plot development and less action; but the visuals are so cool that I'd rather just watch tons of battles than hear people talk about the genocide of digital Isotopes.The first half of this movie and the battle sequences easily justify going to see this movie.

Like the first film, this one has some classic scoring done by Daft Punk, who make a cameo appearance in the film. It was a combo of Hans Zimmer and their music. Needless to say I was loving it, even if it seemed comical at times. I can only imagine how odd it may sound 25 years from now. 

Now onto some odd musings about the film. Since this is a digital world made up of programs, why is there such a sensual element to all of the people? I doubt they reproduce... what is the point of all those crazy tight clubbing outfits and make-up? In fact, why do programs even go clubbing? I suppose its because they are a reflection of the users who designed them and their AI is based on our gender roles and attitudes?

My favorite part of this film is hands down THE BACHELOR PAD. If I ever get a billion dollars, I want a huge condo at the top of a mountain with backlit flooring and a digital screen on the porch. I nearly cried out with anguish when I though Clu was going to trash the place.

This is a visually dark film. 3D requires an even darker than normal theater making this a 2 hour dark-fest. Perfect for a wild date night or a nap. SO DON'T SEE THIS IN 3D. I DON'T RECALL ONE MEMORABLE 3D EFFECT. I AM SICK OF HOLLYWOOD SHOVING THIS TECHNOLOGY DOWN MY THROAT!!! Unless you are James Cameron and spend 10 years making a movie to have consistent bona-fide 3D effects don't bother. I'm never paying the extra $5 again.

On a whole, I was a bit disappointed in this flick, but the action sequences, style and music still make it one of my favorite movies of the year. The door is wide open for a sequel that could deal with the idea of digital intelligences and the virtual world merging with ours. THAT is the movie I'm looking forward to... assuming someone sits in front of one of those digitizing lasers again.   

Crippled & Alone

I recently related the tale of my first date with the Boss and was asked the subsequent question: How long did it take you to fall in love? My answer:

"It only took a few sips of the Kool-Aid to get me hooked."

Last week I traveled for work and wound up missing my Kool-Aid and just when I got home, it had to leave. The Kool-Aid's reasons for leaving are very good and I'm glad she's helping others in need, but I miss my sugar all the same.

So with reluctance I took her and the Gator to DIA before sunrise for a 6AM flight. Once I got home with # 1 & #2, I decided to pick up the house and fill the Mr. Mom role with dignity.

Then it happened.

I slipped down the stairs and in a flash of dexterity, caught myself at the landing. I was pleased with avoiding an EPIC FAIL and proceeded to pick up the house. However, I noticed my lower back was a bit sore... after a hot shower it was worse... by 10:00 AM I was at Walgreen's buying a back brace, Bio-Freeze and Epsom Salts. I popped 4 Advil and pressed on with work.

Later that night I tried some stretching and heat. Then the pain became terrible and for some crazy reason I started watching a show about the rise of the 3rd Reich. (I have a bit of a masochistic streak). I decided not to tell Kool-Aid about my affliction since it would only make her feel guilty. Of course, the Lizard told her that night on the phone and I got a ton of advice.

The next 18 hours were pathetic. Some examples:

• I actually took a bath in Epsom salts hoping for relief. I probably should have drunk a vial of Lion's blood at midnight to get the same results. Being a big dude in a small tub with a bad back is a painful, awkward moment I'm not proud of. 
• I needed help with basic things like picking up items off the floor, putting on socks, pants, etc. Had Kool-Aid been here, her help might have created some endearing, bonding moments. But asking your 7 or 9 year-old kid just makes them doubt your ability as a provider and a man. No father ever wants to hear his kid say, "I feel sorry for you."  
• Stealing my kid's full body pillow so I could sleep with it between my knees and ankles. 
• At the office I had to use my golf putter as a cane to get around without falling. 
• My financial planner took pity and delivered a tube of Icy Hot to me at the office.
• In general, everyone who sees me goes "awwww" are you OK?  

I'd had enough. I went to the chiropractor for the first time in my life and had a dude put my legs in positions that I'm not sure they've ever gone before. He essentially told me my injury wasn't that bad and to quit being a total pansy. As a parting gift they hooked me up to some electro-muscle-stimulificator on my back. That was EPICALLY AWESOME. I should be thankful for being smitten by the universe at a very busy time of the year with high work stress and medical problems. The Ghost of Christmas Back Pain has helped me see the light and realize; all I want for Christmas is a tall glass of Kool-Aid and no help from my kids.

If I Were a Fisherman

This video sums up what my career would look like if I became a professional fisherman.

McFired

Merry Christmas!! Just heard on the radio that "McMastermind" is being released by the Broncos. Owner Pat Bowlen cited results and the direction the team was headed. I'm no football expert, but these two issues weren't just reasons to fire McDaniels, they were practically blood on turf of Mile High screaming for retribution!

1. Results - Since the mythical 6-0 start, the team is 5-17 the worst streak in the modern era for the franchise. Results? indisputably horrible.
2. Direction - This is the big one. We had a perfectly good offense when this guy came to town and a sub-par defense. Fix the D, tweak the O and get into contention right? Wrong.
• Why not get rid of anyone that looks at you funny or says Shannahan's name without spitting afterward? - Done
• Get rid of crybaby franchise quarterback? - Done
• Trade away best receiver? - No problem
• Get rid of punishing runner and draft picks for male model who makes more than the starting quarterback? - oh yes we did
• Spend 1st round pick on questionable QB to back up sitting duck and male model? Why not?
• Whew! After all that drama, the QB position is finally buttoned down.  
• Use other 1st round pick on receiver to replace Marshall? - Of course. We can fix the defense with veterans that wear out after week 7!
• Pick up / retain as many aged defenders as possible? - Done and Done. Average age over 30!
• Improve the defense - Nooooooo.... We'll get to that in year 5 after fixing the terrible offense inherited.
•  Cheat to win games with SPYGATE II... uh... YEAH!!!

Bowlen said, "The decision to make a change was extremely difficult but one that needed to be made for this organization and our fans."

Well said Pat. It appears the lights are still on. Good luck firing this guy with clause and getting your money back. Thank you and MERRY CHRISTMAS.

Tangled & Choked-up

Disney and the Princess movie are back! [Did I just say that?] This movie is outstanding entertainment. El-Burr and I just went to see this on our daddy-daughter date and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. I don't think Disney has put together a movie of this caliber since Beauty and the Beast. The songs were very enjoyable, clever and Alan Menken did a fantastic job. The animation seemed flawless and the visuals were beautiful.  MAXIMUS the stallion kept me laughing throughout. Go ahead and poke fun at me. This is a classic. [Am I still a bit excited over a princess movie?]

Any cons with this film? Only one...

I'm sick and tired of getting choked up in these Disney/Pixar animated cartoons. At least these 3-D movies come in a very dark room. I did my best to suppress my sniffles so the random dad next to me wouldn't elbow me in the face for being such a pansy. The boss wasn't there so I got no wife points, and I'm pretty sure most little girls find these "awkward" moments as a sign of weakness and I'll loose my disciplinary power. But thankfully no one seemed to notice. Between that boat sequence and the end, I was a mess.

On a whole, this movie represents Disney finally catching up with Pixar magic and Shrek humor and hitting a home run. Two thumbs up, 4-stars, slap-my-knee and call me silly, feel good movie. Hope you all enjoy it as much as I did.

Deathly Hallows Part 1

Get out your oranges and water bottles. Its half-time in the DEATHLY HALLOWS SAGA. HP&THD 1 is a great film. Should it be enshrined in the Pantheon of great movies on its own? No. But for the role it plays in the franchise, I couldn't expect much more.

The action was well done, pacing kept me interested but never overwhelmed. By breaking this into 2 parts, more time was spent on character development allowing the film to convey a bit more emotion than some prior installments. Having read the books, I'm more interested in adaptation choices rather than the actual movie since nothing compares to the book. ONCE AGAIN, IF YOU HAVE NOT READ THE SERIES, JUST DO IT. For example, the use of Hedwig was actually a very clever way to move the plot forward without having to explain some complicated ideas from the book.

If anyone is under-used in this film, it is Voldermort. The terror of him being summoned by death eaters, hot on Harry's trail made for some of the greatest suspense in the book, but that element is lacking in this film. Especially at Godric's Hollow and in Malfoy Manor. But I've come to accept the movies will never be as good as my imagination and I'm still quite pleased with the end results. Plus, let's not forget that down the road, the HP series will go to Blu-ray and have extended editions, similar to LOTR, which I really enjoyed.

The only genuinely lame thing in the movie is the Harry/Hermione NCMO. That could possibly be the most surprising thing I've seen in the movies. Just seemed completely off key with the spirit of the books. I read that David Yeats told the actors the first take was too chaste it needed to be more "pagan and mad." Right... I'd rather they earn a PG-13 with more of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named rather than tawdry naked necking.

I was considering taking the Lizard to see this, but after this first viewing I don't think many kids under 10-12 would handle it well.

My favorite thing about this film? The humor! Despite this being the low point for our protagonists, there were plenty of laughs and I think that is why I liked it better than installments 5 and 6. The final act should give the last 1/4 of the book all its due and I'm really looking forward to it. So I'll keep pounding the orange wedges and see you next summer.

More Trailer Mash-ups

Tanks to Mr. D. 'nother great "trailer" fir Dumb & Dumber has been brought to mines attention and I now share it wit yall:

But this one is just SICK:

And finally, the real Jane Austin Plot to her timeless classic:

Hope you all enjoyed this sampling. Now go eat a cheese pie in your dog house.

The Dog House

I've seen this before, but the Mac Daddy recently brought it to my attention again and I now share it with you.



Perhaps some of you are disappointed that I don't have a bunch of misogynistic things to say about this. I heartily disprove of the idea that buying diamonds should make prior transgressions go away. This leads men to think women are whores that can be bought off at the right price (http://fletchword.blogspot.com/2010/02/stop-patronizing-me.html).

Personally, I love the brainwashing voice in the background and the cheese pie joke. Classic. HAPPY SHOPPING SEASON EVERYONE!!!

Superman Quits AKA Megamind

Welcome back gentle reader for another edition of my fried froth on mainstream media. Yesterday in an attempt to save money, I exploded the back window of the Acura. One could say I was at fault, but I've come to the conclusion that everything connected to a major financial decision that took place in Las Vegas is cursed. So therefore, Las Vegas destroyed my rear window yesterday while changing the lifts. I shall not elaborate further. One must use creative thoughts to discover how I did it, where... and with what!

Thanks to a planned multi-princess ride through downtown followed by dinner at the carb factory, it had to be fixed ASAP. So I made an appointment at a shop and took kids #1 and #2 with me, thinking it would only be 20-30 mins. WRONG. I was told over 2 hours. I had to think quickly. I was near the hood with small children and nothing to do for 2 hours. What did I do to burn time? Walked around the corner and took the kids to see MEGAMIND. But after watching the film, I think it should be called: Superman Quits. Remember Superman Returns? The plot for that film should have been made from the plot of Megamind.

From the trailers most of you know this is about an adorable evil genius who thinks he's destroyed his nemesis Metroman. Alas, without opposition in all things, Megamind realizes his life is nothing so he creates a new hero to battle but fails and makes things worse. But thanks to the help of an intelligent, good looking woman he finally does something right and saves the day. Yes.. All thanks to a female journalist. And Bryan Singer thinks Superman was inspired by his father. BAH! Here is the truth of the matter:  

"She is not to write, or fight, or build, or compose scores; she does all by inspiring man to do all. The poet finds her eyes anticipating all his ode; the sculptor, his god; the architect, his house. She looks it. She is the requiring genius." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Anyone care to dispute a man with the intellectual guts to live in isolation by a pond for a year? I didn't think so. OK. I'm done with this tangent.

Imagine the movie SUPERMAN QUITS. Supes is tired of defeating his enemies and quits deciding people need to solve their own problems. But after a failed year on a street corner in Nashville playing in his underwear, he departs for Krypton, pleased that Lex Luthor defeated his evil creation (following the megamind plot) and won the love of the people, eventually becoming president.

I still have no idea what could have been done with the kid in the Bryan Singer Superman Returns film so I'll remove that from my new plot and destroy nearly the whole concept of that film. Here is my idea... Christopher Nolan eat your heart out.

Superman realizes upon his return to Krypton he did not fulfill Jor-El's real plan for earth. He decides to return and clean house, ushering a new era of peace on earth. He uses his super radio to tell Jimmy he is on his way back to earth to fight for truth, justice and His Way. Jimmy now works for the only viable newspaper on earth, The Daily Prophet. (Thanks to magical funding after the demise of You-Know-Who). Once the Prophet announces the return of Superman, riots break out. Few people want him back. Everyone loves President Luthor who keeps reminding people of the senseless destruction Superman caused to save kittens from trees and Lois Lane from driving off a cliff. He threatens to kill anyone who wants Superman to return and war erupts because Israel and Tea Party Activists figure he is the best chance they have from being wiped out by a super coalition of al-Qaida, Hamas and the Green Party organized by Luthor. Superman watches and listens from afar on his return trip and his wrath is kindled as violence reaches a fever pitch. He returns and destroys the earth with heat vision while using his "fix the great wall of china" power to raise true supporters above the flames. The earth is formed anew as a sea of crystal (Krypton Style) and Superman takes up residence near his old home in Kansas. There, he builds a new city and those who remained faithful to him inherit the earth and all of Superman's new kryptonian technology.

THAT my friends is an awesome movie. If I had $500M I would have it made. In two parts. But I don't have the money. So the idea will live in obscurity on this blog. Just look for the red cape when everything bursts into flames. I'll see you all in the sky.  

Most Interesting Man vs. Chuck Norris

I just had an epiphany this morning that these two guys are famous for having a ton of amazing facts attributed to them. See if you can separate which facts go with the correct bearded wonder.

1. He lives vicariously through himself.

2. He once taught a German shepherd to bark in Spanish.

3. He can do a wheelie on a unicycle
4. He is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
5. He has counted to infinity - twice.
6. He never says something tastes like chicken – not even chicken.
7. He’s been known to cure narcolepsy, just by walking into a room.
8. He can slam a revolving door.

9. He once had an awkward moment, just to see how it feels.

10. His beard alone has experienced more than a lesser man’s entire body.

11. He doesn't have life insurance, the insurance companies pay him to spare their lives.
12. Once, he won the Indy 500 using Fred Flintstone's car.
13. Even his enemies list him as their emergency contact number.

14. Usually when kids go to sleep they sleep with a teddy bear...he sleeps with an actual bear

15. Some magicans can walk on water, he can swim through land.
16. He’s a lover, not a fighter, but he’s also a fighter, so don’t get any ideas.

17. He can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

18.When it is raining, it is because he is thinking of something sad.
19. His shirts never wrinkle.
20. When the Bogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for him.
21. He is left-handed. And right-handed.
22. If he were to mail a letter without postage, it would still get there.
23. He has amassed an incredibly large DVD library, and it is said that he never once alphabetized it.
24. He once urinated in a semi truck's gas tank as a joke....that truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
25. There used to be a street named after him, but it was changed because nobody crosses him and lives.

26. He doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.

27. You can see his charisma from space.
28. When he does a push up, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
29. He can cut through a hot knife with butter
30. He was bitten by a snake. Three days later the snake died.
31. The police often question him, just because they find him interesting.
32. He once punched a magician. That’s right. You heard me.
33. If a monument were built in his honor, Mt. Rushmore would close… due to poor attendance.
34. His blood smells like cologne.
35. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals he allows to live.
36. He made a Happy Meal cry. (No fries???)

37. He once won a staring contest with Medusa.

38. Whenever he tells a lie it instantly becomes Fact

39. His organ donation card also lists his beard.

40. On every continent in the world, there is a sandwich named after him.

41. He destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
42. He doesn’t believe in using oven mitts, nor potholders.
43. His reputation is expanding faster than the universe.
44. His cereal never gets soggy. It sits there, staying crispy, just for him.

45. There is no chin behind his beard. Only another fist.

46. His hands feel like rich brown suede.

47. He once taught a horse to read email for him.

48. He can divide by zero.

49. He once brought in $13 million at a charity bachelor auction, which was a lot of money at the time.

50. Respected archaeologists fight over his discarded apple cores.

51. He can speak Braille.

52. Lime trees bear fruit on his command.

53. He once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

Answers:

1. MIM

2. MIM

3. CN

4. CN

5. CN

6. MIM

7. MIM

8. CN

9. MIM

10. MIM

11. CN

12. CN

13. MIM

14. CN

15. CN

16. MIM

17. CN

18. MIM

19. MIM

20. CN

21. MIM

22. MIM

23. MIM

24. CN

25. CN

26. CN

27. MIM

28. MIM

29. MIM

30. CN

31. MIM

32. MIM

33. MIM

34. MIM

35. CN

36. CN

37. CN

38. CN

39. MIM

40. MIM

41. CN

42. MIM

43. MIM

44. MIM

45. CN

46. MIM

47. MIM
48. CN

49. MIM

50. CN
51. CN
52. MIM
53. CN

Scoring:

1-10: You are so pathetic even Chuck Norris won't kill you.

10-20: Rain clouds follow you.

20-30: Most average people think they are better than average. You are not.

30-40: Perhaps you could scratch their beards without turning into a pillar of salt.

40-50: Congratulations! You've spent way too much time filling you head with useless facts.
50 +  : You must be the Cougar Abogado heaping shame on a lowly blogger who doesn't check his work.

Here is a discussion debating who would actually win a fight between the two:

http://www.dallasdancemusic.com/useless-blabber/302979-chuck-norris-vs-most-interesting-man-world.html

The Social Network & 2D Quidditch

Movies and games involving nerds... WHO RULE THE WORLD.

theFacebook - Any film that scores a 97% on the Tomatometer is probably worth seeing. The Social Network is definitely one of them. As an old jock who used to rip on nerds, I found this movie to be HYSTERICAL!!! I was cracking up the whole time. This movie will win you over in the first sequence with Zuckerman and his girlfriend. Next during the credits at the beginning I noticed the music credits included TRENT REZNOR. As in the crazy guy who led Nine Inch Nails back in the 90s. Much more than the unexpected comedy, the scoring blew me away. The music made nerds writing code at 2AM look cool. Yes. You just read that. This guy's music makes a 36 hour programming binge look cool.... I'm still astonished.


I'm CEO, #$^&! - You have my minimal attention.

Beyond these elements this film was an excellent portrayal of capitalism. One guy had the skill and drive to pull off a great idea. As in many cases the germ of the idea came from someone else who didn't have the ability to execute it (the twins). Next the initial business partner had some useful start-up money, but ultimately did not have the connections and the savvy to push the site to Google-like status. This is where Mr. Napster plays his role beautifully. Each flawed individual brought certain talents to the table, but while pursing the most ruthless course to achieve the greatest profit, the consumer got the best product. It may not be pretty, but that brutal cycle has been raising the standard of living for centuries. At least in the modern world the people who get stepped on can "lawyer up" and get their fair share of the spoils. I can hear the Robber Barons rolling in their graves.

2D Quidditch - Check out the video below. You'd think with all the rage for 3D people would reject this sport outright. I just seem to be on a roll with NERDS today.

NEW FLASH BRYANT GUMBEL!!! This game already exists! Its called Lacrosse. Only these guys have some tool running around in yellow outfit and are throwing dodge balls instead of rightly beating the snot out of each other with shoulder pads and sticks. Here is a brief background on the history of Lacrosse.

"Lacrosse is of the oldest sports in North America. The game's roots can be traced back to Native American religion, lacrosse was often played to resolve conflicts, heal sick people, and develop virile, strong men. To Native Americans, lacrosse is still referred to as "The Creator's Game". Lacrosse was considered by many native tribes to be wonderful training for war -- the Cherokees even called it "the little brother of war." Teams would sometimes consist of many hundreds, or even thousands, of players. Goals were quite often miles apart. Games could last as long as 3 days. Most players were unable to get close to the ball, and so took to concentrating their efforts on using their stick as a weapon."

Yes. In the real sport, you actually use the stick, not run around with it between you legs pretending you are flying. But the biggest problem is the lack of 3D. Unless you can actually fly this is just a poor version of Lacrosse and dodge ball mashed together. Could this be done in a large pool with a remote controlled snitch powered by a small but effective propeller? That could be interesting. But it would take way too much effort and resources. So in the meantime, the wizarding world will continue to mock us pitiful muggles as we struggle to emulate magical games with our filthy blood.

A Real Food Blog

The Boss is always looking at these fancy-pants, cooking blogs but thanks to SDMADog, I've one upped her. BEHOLD!




A true Jedi will know about the blue milk


Time to put that "Pioneer Woman" and "The Girl Who Ate Everything" to rest and bring justJENN into the kitchen. http://justjennrecipes.com/foodbuzz-24x24-the-ultimate-star-wars-party/2010/10/04/

Punitive Parking

A few days ago I was headed into DIA for a flight and for the first time in my traveling career, I found the economy lot full. I drove around for about 15 mins looking for a space and waited another five in line to get out at the toll booth. I was already beginning worry I'd miss my flight and was in a tense mood. When I finally got to the booth, they dinged me $1.00 for being in the lot for less than 30 mins.

... WHAT?!?...

Toll booth lady said I could file a complaint if I wanted to and likely will. Most sensible parking lot/garages have a reasonable policy that allows for accidental entry or time under 15-30 mins. No such luck here.

You may be thinking this is not a big deal. 1 buck. Get over it. I beg to differ. I've been pumped full of ads from McDonald's Wendy's and Burger King that my dollar is the most powerful amazing thing on the planet! All joking aside, this is not about money, its about getting slapped in the face.

Q: Why are you slapping me in the face?
A: Becuase I can. [Grin]

Although I've previously predicted that Arnold Schwarzenegger will become the anti-christ, I love a statement from him about taxes.

"I am in principle against taxing, because I feel that the people... have been punished enough from the time they get up in the morning and flush the toilet, they are taxed. Then they go and get a coffee, they are taxed. They get into their car, they are taxed. They go to the gas station, they are taxed. They go for lunch and they are taxed and [it] goes on all day long, tax, tax, tax, tax, tax. So even when they go to bed, you can really go into the bed and fear that you may be getting taxed while you are sleeping. There's a sleeping tax. This is crazy."

Don't forget the punitive parking lot fees. I should say this isn't just a rant on taxes. The corporate world is full of fees that are terrible too, especially bank fees. I've already given them all my money to invest somewhere else at a higher return. In return I have a safe place to keep my money and get ATM cards, etc. I thought we had a good relationship. But must I be slapped with extra fees and say "Thank you sir. May I have another?" If DIA is that hard up for cash, they should find a legit way to provide better service that merits higher revenue, rather than annoying the daylights out of travelers.

To Heck with Halloween

Its seems this is becoming an annual tradition for me to bash on Halloween. But I have good reason this year. It falls on a Sunday. Name me another American holiday that is not compatible with Sabbath observance!

This year I actually was looking forward to Halloween so I could be the MIND CONTROL guy from dinner for Schmucks with the partial turtle-neck. I was even going to get a fake beard. But now I don't care and I've seen the light. Here are some great quotes from an article on why the celebration of this holiday is flat out wrong. http://laststophell.com/hell/halloween.html

"Consider for a moment the symbolism of Halloween. What has that symbolism to do with the true God or Christianity? The symbols of Halloween are blackness and darkness. These are symbols of Satan. God is light and there is no darkness in Him (I John 1:5). Does the symbolism surrounding this holiday reflect what God would appreciate? Does this holiday, with it’s dark symbolism, seem like something God would accept from us? Would Jesus Christ celebrate Halloween, considering its symbolism and images? 

Halloween is the very antithesis of Christianity. Jesus Christ tells us in John 8:12, "I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life." God further tells us, "Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!" (Isaiah 5:20)."

Now consider Christmas. I'll freely admit it is full of Pagan symbols, but at least we can find good meaning in them that lifts and inspires us to believe in Christ. Can we really follow the 13th article of faith and celebrate this festival of death, lasciviousness and darkness?

"If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things."

Yep. Halloween is completely, utterly and totally evil... AND WE LOVE IT!!! I'll see all of you at the trunk-or-treat and any costume party I may be invited to (maybe not after this post). So happy Halloween and here's to hoping God will only beat us with a few stripes for celebrating it.

Gets Better With Age

I'm fresh off another Saturday night at Priesthood Session. What a great meeting. As and added bonus, I got to take a younger friend with me. I was sitting there listening to the Apostles, I thought about how I used dread these meetings when I was my friend's age and what has changed since then.

Let's face it: When you are 12-18, taking your Saturday night to go listen to a bunch of old guys talk in the dark seemed like a major dent in the ol social life or video game schedule (depending on how cool you are). I faithfully went with my dad when he was alive and I didn't harbor any truly ill feelings and I knew it was the right thing to do, so I went. It gave me a chance to ask my dad crazy questions like, "If God wanted me to, could I shoot lighting from my fingertips?" The ice cream afterwards wasn't bad either. I'm grateful that at a young age the habit of doing the right thing was instilled in me; even if I hadn't figured out the right motives yet.

But now I relish these meetings. I love the feeling of fraternity with the other brethren present as well as "The Brethren." For the last thee outings I usually exclaim within myself, "its a shame the boss is missing this!" But she and all womankind are so wonderful they don't need it I suppose. There are some obvious reasons this meeting is better for me now:

• More maturity (cough - OK just a little bit)
• Served a mission - changed my life
• Have kids so I'm eager to be better
• Women - I want to be the kind of Priesthood holder my wife and mom think I am

But how about this?

I'm at a point in my life where a meeting with no kids crawling on me is a treat. I can actually think and feel the Spirit. I often find that some of my best insights come in meetings like this while I'm actively listening, but then I have an impression about something else in my life and I'm truly inspired and fed by the Spirit. I've got that: "I'm never gonna do anything wrong!" feeling again. Sad to say it often fades, but I'll do my best to keep it around.

Another thing that has followed this pattern is golf. I'm HORRIBLE at it, but for the peace and quiet factor, I really enjoy it. I'm sure fishing would qualify, but I haven't done much of it lately.

And finally, I must say Love get better with age. You can shoot me down for pandering to the Boss (who doesn't read this) or being a greasy schmoozer, but if any of you know me, that's not my style. The longer we're together the more she becomes a part of me. My kids as well. Its no wonder God loves us so much if he's spent that much time with us. I heard a great line from a movie I saw lately where a husband confesses to his wife who thinks he's no longer interested, "You're the air that I breathe!" Just because the initial flame is no longer 20 feet in the sky, the bond that develops over time is truly a wonderful thing. Hopefully I never take it for granted.

Small wonder I'm looking forward to a retirement filled with golf, fishing, cheese and a whole lotta time with my wife, kids and (I'll say it) grandchildren... and let's not forget Priesthood Session.

So to any struggling Deacon, Teacher or Priest, hang in there... you may be surprised 10 years from now.

Anemic

Ticked. I'm straight up ticked off. If I told you the Broncos would throw for nearly 500 yards in one game and have only 1 TD on offense you'd think I was crazy. Seriously. If you can torch a team for that much through the air there should be some room to punch in the ball in the red zone. I'm gonna get out my Nostra-Fletch-a-Damus beard and hat and predict here and now: THIS IS A BAD OMEN FOR OUR TEAM. 

I know it was the Colts, led by football cyborg Peyton Manning, but they were very beatable yesterday. "But they are who we thought they were! And we let 'em off the hook!" - Well said Denny Greene. When a team can only rush for 47 yards (10 on one play) and has to make some white guy from BYU their star receiver and they still win on the road... its a bad omen for our team.

[Truthfully, I'm happy Austin Collie is doing well in the pros, but COME ON MAN!!! Must it be against my team?]

How can I possibly be complaining? We lost by 14. Some would say we should be grateful to have lost by less than 20. However, the performance dictates otherwise. Anemia is my diagnosis for our woes. If we had a RED-BLOODED offense, we could be 3-0 right now. But for some reason, we can't score from within 20 to save our lives. So anemia claims another victim.

Perhaps it really is some voodoo thing like a Death-eater cursing our running game or the other team wears Red-Zone deodorant and we just fall to pieces at the smell. I don't know. I'm just looking for answers and want to go feed the whole offense 60 oz steaks and spinach for a week and see if it helps. The following video sums up my frustration.

How to End a QB Controversy

For those of you that wanted an end to the quarterback controversy in Provo, you got it. Here is what the press would tell you about the injury:

Nelson was injured at the Florida State game, possibly after one of the eight sacks BYU QBs received in the game. Nelson had two series and did not come back the rest of the game. http://www.deseretnews.com/blog/60/10010109/Harmons-halftime-Nelson-injury-is-a-tragic-twist-in-a-strange-BYU-offensive-fall.html

We all know the statements above are a bunch of LIES. Eight sacks does not blow out a dude's shoulder. Go ask Sam Bradford. The magic number is two and he found out the hard way. Clearly if Nelson had been injured, he would have come out after the second punishing lick. But he played on, uninjured and the coach was so disgusted with his play, that he pulled him from the game. 



So Good it Hurts...

Here is the real cause of the injury. After no definitive statement from Bronco that Heaps would take over as the starting QB, a local 63 year-old Relief Society President couldn't take the pain any longer. Anyone with at least one eyeball knows Jake Heaps is the future of the program. So this inspired woman did what any good Saint of the Ultimate Days would do: She made a Jell-O casserole with a side of funeral potatoes, took it to the team hotel, delivered it to his room, handed Riley the food and while his hands were occupied, she whipped out a pair of steel nunchucks and in a matter seconds delivered six bone breaking blows to his shoulder.



Nelson was so embarrassed that he got worked over by a RS President bearing a casserole that he denied any reports of his assailant. Besides, who could believe that harmless old lady could be so brutal? I know about it because I have a cousin in the Tallahassee 2nd Ward who is friends with the ward clerk that home teaches a guy who has a friend that dates this girl that works at the hotel and saw it happen while delivering ice to one of the "genuinely" injured player's rooms.

Trust me. This was no accident. "His judgment cometh and that Right Soon." Fair warning to anyone else who wants to try a dual quarterback system.

The Sting Part 2

The continuation of the thrilling saga of reclaiming a vehicle from slavery...

After all of her tough talk, the Boss started to get nervous as we got near the house. After all, this person was trained with guns and who knows what her friends might be like? I knew if the car was there I'd just have to hop out, book up to it and take off before shots could be fired. We sat on pins and needles as we approached the house... and then we saw it... a "FOR SALE" sign.

Once again the rage for satisfaction kicked in. We flipped around, looked in the windows and sure enough, the place was vacant. We took a brochure and called the agent, but no luck. The situation had become more desperate. Was she hiding from us? Was the agent helping her hide? Was he in on a scam? There was still one more address to check. So we drove over there, found a house that looked occupied. The garage door looked slightly ajar. The Boss insisted we try to pull it up and take the car, but I wasn't willing to break the law, especially if we had the wrong address. So we returned home, dejected and devoid of any satisfaction.

At this point I knew I had to get serious so I contacted a repo-man. This dude was straight out of a movie. Ex-cop with slicked back hair, fake cop/repo badge hanging around his neck in a diesel expedition with the lap top out like a cop with multiple Red Bulls. I gave him my file and waited to hear back from him, but 3 days passed and no news. At this point I felt like I had been betrayed by the world and knew I'd have to get crazy to get the car back.

Finally on a Friday, the agent called and said he heard the driver was working as an exotic dancer and gave me the name of the place she worked. At last! I could pull up at 11:00PM hop out and drive way while she worked. But then I looked up the company. NO REAL ADDRESS. Why? It was an escort service. This girl would never be in the same place for long. My hopes began to fade further... I reported all of this to Boss and she audaciously suggested we "hire" her and take the car. We were flat out of options. So with some help, I found the driver on the company website, used a spoof dialer and called the escort service. They were pretty nice on the phone, but I had no idea what to say. I told them the name of the girl and I wanted her to meet me at the motel I was fake dialing from. They wanted to sender her over in the next 30 mins. Whoa! I told them I wasn't quite done with work and I needed more time. So I set it up for 7:00 PM but needed to answer the phone in the room after 6:30 to confirm the appointment. What was the cost? $220 for one hour. With some MUCH appreciated help, I paid cash for the room, called the Repo guy and he said he'd be in the room and confront her and take the car.

We rolled down to the motel and found it to be the perfect location. There was like 10 black dudes on the upper balcony and a bunch of random people hanging around on the lower level and in the parking lot. The Boss and our friend laid low while I met with the repo guy. He said he called the cops and needed to go meet with them down the street. Thus, I had to wait in the room to answer the phone to confirm the appointment since it was now just after 6:30PM. That was some very awkward waiting.

The Motel Room

I was mad, a bit scared but mostly worried this chance would slip through my fingers. Repo guy asked me to call and get some more time, so I made the call but didn't think it through first. I told the dispatcher that I needed an extra 30 mins due to a meeting running late. They said sure, but asked me what number to call. I said call me on the number I'm calling from. Then they said, "isn't that the number you're calling from?" I knew my lie was busted. So I played dumb. "Look, this is embarrassing, but I'm just not ready yet and new to this. Can I get a little more time?" The said fine and I hung up thinking I had blown it. I called Repo guy and he came to the room.

We lamented the failure and all of the sudden I got a text from the Boss saying "she's here with the car." Repo guy flung back the curtains and I instantly saw the car out the window across the street from the motel. He grabbed his file and went booking out the door... at this moment I heard a chorus of oooOOOOOOOoooo!!!! from the upper balcony. I couldn't help but laugh. Everyone came pouring down to watch the action. The Repo guy was  a stud. He ran out in front of the car waiving his badge and stopped them from pulling out. They thought they had been busted for solicitation and were freaked out. They told the repo guy that dispatcher warned her it was likely as sting and not to go. Fortunately, she was stupid and went anyways.

She first told me the payments were caught up (LIES!!!). I told her obviously they were not. Then she said she had to have the car for work and it was Friday night. I said I don't care. Too bad. Then she said her grandpa would buy the car... SURE... Finally, I told her "Lexus is in my jockstrap calling me 3x a day. Do you have any idea what I've gone through to get to this point?" We agreed to take her and her "pimp" home let them clean out their crap and we wouldn't press felony charges. The car was back in my hands. But did I have satisfaction?

Here is a list of what was wrong with the car:

1. Extremely messy. Junk and a film of putrid scum on everything. My heart sank.
2. They had smoked in the car. It REEKED. I thought about how I had once cherished the new car smell in this vehicle. Now it was utterly disgusting. $300 to detail and de-smoke and the smell still isn't gone.
3. The real kick in the teeth came next. I had a Cameron moment when I looked at the odometer. 55,400 miles? I turned it over at 17,500???? She drove nearly 38,000 miles in one year?!? I'm already out nearly $2K on over mileage charges. I'm almost tempted to try taking the miles off going in reverse. But I learn from the movies I watch.  
4. The next day I took it to a shop and they noted some performance tires were on 3 of the 4 wheels, but the front right had the spare wheel and tire that didn't match the rest. No wonder it rode like it was on a slant! So I had to order 3 new tires and a new wheel. 
5. Alignment was off so I had that treated as well.
6. Oil needed to be changed since I figured they never changed it during the 38,000 mile rumpus. I can only assume she drove to Vegas weekly.
7. The bumper and door of the car still need to be painted and have a crappy spray paint job on them. I suppose I'll get this fixed sometime.
8. I had to make up late payments and fee of $925 plus Repo fees of $360. Then I had to make an immediate payment on the car for September.

After getting the car back I remarked, "Its like we're sitting inside of a raped body." I felt unclean and the shame of having sold the car into slavery burned into my tender conscience. As Mr. Cobb said in Inception, "Guilt. I feel Guilt."

I confronted the agent with Repo man the following day. He freaked out. Said he had no money to pay the repo fees, late fees and damages. All of which he was responsible for per the contract. Once again, can you enforce a contract? I told him I'd give him 2 weeks to make a payment or I'd press felony charges. I called him today for an update. Guess what? Number is out of service. Next step is to file the report.

To top it off, the day the Lexus was due out of the shop, the transmission blew out on the MDX. Dealer's estimated cost to repair? $4,900. I flipped out. I cursed the car gods and their wrath against me. What do I have to do? Light a bucket of chicken on fire as a sacrifice?

Ultimately, I'm relieved the sting worked and I can get my life back on track. But like Mick Jagger... "I can't get no Satisfaction."

The Sting Part 1

Everything in this post and the subsequent ones are true. I know many of you don't believe half of what comes out of my mouth but in this case I must apply the old adage, Sad but True. So onto the tale.

In an unfortunate way, Morons make the world go round. They allow thieves and liars to take advantage of them so they have "a job" and in this case, I helped the world go round. Sensing it was time to divest myself of the beautiful Lexus I was driving on a lease, I made an attempt to sell it on Craig's List. I was shortly contacted by a guy who wanted to set me up in a sub-lease situation. Seemed like a win-win for all. They would take over my lease and I'd walk away. The contract looked like it protected me and I was confident if anything went south, I'd be able to pursue justice. Once again, I am a MORON. Just because a legal contract exists and is executed, doesn't guaranty you'll be able to enforce it without great costs that may outweigh the benefits.

The day I dropped it off I had a pit in my stomach. I figured I was just on edge because I'd never done anything like this before. Oprah says to trust you gut. I should have listened to Oprah and got the heck out of there. But as a MORON, I went through with it and said good bye [Adagio for Strings playing in the background]. Looking back on it now, I feel like a father who sold his child into slavery. I know its just an inanimate object, but I talk to the cars I drive, name them and I'm ashamed of what I did.

Here is a modified quote from Burton Howard on matters of cars and keeping them safe from slavery,

If you want something to last forever (or until the end of the lease), you treat it differently... You shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don't expose it to the elements. You don't make it common or ordinary... It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more valuable and precious as time goes by. 

Alright enough self-loathing. At first things seemed fine. Payments were made, some tickets and tolls popped up, but nothing too unsettling. The guy who set up the contract between me and the driver kept promising they would assume the lease outright, but nothing ever happened. Then in November 09, the payment was late. It happened again in January, February and March. I started calling the agent multiple times per month with no improvement.

At this point the Boss got involved. If I have a weakness, it is for the Boss. The old dueling challenge of "I DEMAND SATISFACTION" is an understatement when it comes to customer service with her. Normally, I will pounce like a maniac when she is unhappy and slaughter all who oppose her. But my inner-tiger was unwilling and soon she was making phone calls. Needless to say, I demoted to "total wuss" status in her fiery eyes. But in the oppressive heat of August after a partial payment in July and nothing on the books for that month, my sweaty angst reached a peak and I could take no more. I demanded SATISFACTION!!! (and the car back). Now things get interesting.

I met the agent at McDonald's and gave him my last link to the car, my remaining key fab. He had it for a week and failed to get the car. Kept saying he was too busy with his son. Don't bring your kids into it. Man that ticked me off. So I demanded the key back and said I'd go get it. During the course of the late payments, I began to research who the driver was, where they lived, worked etc. in case this day came. The agent was such a tool that he didn't eve know her address, he just "knew" where she lived. I had to find her on white pages, run a background check (to be sure there was no history of violence) and that helped me find a myspace page and confirm where I thought she lived. It was time to take justice in my hands. With the Boss at my side and key fab in hand we ventured into a pseudo date night fraught with the anticipation of SATISFACTION!!!

To be continued....

Look Out Obama

This guy gives one heckuva speech:

It took me a moment to determine if this guy was serious or not. I admit I find the delivery comical, but I'd love to have this kind of passion from public servants when it comes to cleaning up the treasury. Perhaps he's a real serious pee-wee football coach who doesn't know how to use his indoor voice anymore. Maybe he got that masters degree in communications from "THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR'S SCHOOL FOR COMMUNICATIONS." Seriously. I've seen the ultimate warrior on C-span and other various venues. I'd post his stuff but its laced with profanity. Go find it if you see fit. If it were not so sacrilegious, I'd ask this guy to come speak on food storage this Sunday!

Shoot the Mockingjay

85. That's what I had to make it through. 85 pages of sheer teenage female angst and whining before this book becomes palpable. I nearly quit reading after chapter 6. But the Rooster encouraged me to keep reading and the second half of the book was good, but I can't get the bad aftertaste of the first half out of my mouth.

Hasn't the world had enough of the incessant whining of Bella Swan and her impossibly wonderful love triangle? For me, the appeal of the Hunger Games is... Hunger Games and the rebellion. Not the force fed Pita-Catnip-Gale love triangle. In the history of love triangles have two dudes ever had worse names? Every Gale I've ever known wears skirts and this guy is supposed to be a ruthless rebel leader? And a baker's son named after a type of bread. If only Katniss was named Fletcher (arrow maker) I could forgive all of the whining. 

I'm done with teen angst books: "My life is so unique and complicated! No one understands me. Why am I so boy crazy? I am not boy crazy. Why can't everyone leave me alone? How come I've been left alone? I want to die. I want to live." SHOOT ME!!!

For a moment at the end I thought Collins would one-up J.K. Rowling and actually kill her title character but that would be absurd for "Young Adult Fiction" filled with peda-gladiatorial slaughter, torture and warfare. I must admit that would have pleased me immensely. 

So go ahead and finish or start the trilogy. Just remember 85. Trust me, you won't miss hardly anything.

Why This Blog Sucks

This is a guest post by Edward Khoo. I died laughing when I realized nearly all of this applies to my blog. I'll highlight the ones that sting a little (or a lot) and add some commentary.

If I don't love it, I don't SWALLOW.

You check your traffic every day but all you find are tumbleweeds blowing across the landscape of your blog. Well, there’s a reason you’re not building readership. Your blog sucks.

Most do, and all for the same reasons. The same 10 reasons.

1. You use syndicated content. You can download badly-written articles on the topic of your website at ezine.com, helium.com, goarticles.com and other places on the web. You can cut and paste these pieces on your blog and all you have to do is provide a link back to the author’s site or blog. You can, but you shouldn’t. Without unique content your blog is nothing. Shoot. I guess I shouldn't have copied this article.

2. Your blog is boring. There I said it. Write about topics that interest me, your reader, not topics that interest you. I want you to keep me engaged, entertain me and teach me. Otherwise, you’re boring me. I'm just another random white guy. How vanilla is that? Now... if I cover myself in chocolate I get a lot more interesting.

3. Your blog revolves around your person. Stop talking about yourself already. I don’t know you personally, and I couldn’t care less about your ramblings. Tell me something I can use in my own life. Facts, stories, not boring personal stuff. I pride myself on having no facts and this blog is my Horcurx so I guess I loose on this account.

4. Oh no, not your favorite music on auto-play! So as soon as I access your blog, the ukulele string quartet starts playing? I’d rather hear an accordion band. Don’t add music to your site. Half the people won’t like it and the other half will find it’s a distraction. Yes!!! I finally did something right.

5. You use clip art. I can spot it a mile away. The model smiling, the perfect family spending the day at the beach, the marathon runner – all license free clip art. And with free clip art, you get what you pay for. I disagree. Clip art is SICK. Anyone who can't get behind mass produced art is not worth a bucket of camel spit in the wind.

6. I can’t find the post I want to read. So I have to scroll down through pages and pages to find the piece you posted two months ago. First, even the simplest blog platforms allow for categories and search boxes. I've actually done this to defend prior idiotic statements so I guess I'm safe here.

7. Your writing totally sucks. Oh, not the writing itself. You’ve got a good writing style. Easy to read. But your posts are loaded with typos, misspellings, lost punctuation and other mistakes that signal you don’t care enough about your readers. BURRRRRRRRNNNNNN!!!

8. You’re spinning articles. You might not be using software to actually spin the articles, but you are writing about the same stuff everyone else inside your niche is. This is not as bad as getting content from article directories, as you are actually using your own words here, but it won’t cut it all the same. Write something interesting or go home. Guilty as charged. I don't have an original thought in my head. It all comes from the green little men that visit me when I sleep.

9. You post once a month. How often you think I’m coming back to see if there’s some new, pithy pearl of wisdom I can glean from your blog? If you can’t update your blog at least a couple of times a week, forget about it. I'm guilty here because I'll try to keep my day job and not post for weeks at a time then have a massive output like the last few days. Yes, I suck.

10. Your blog looks like 12023532989 other blogs. WordPress offers hundreds of templates from which to choose. So, if you choose Minima Brown, your blog will look like all the other writers who build blogs using Minima Brown (or Blue). My fingers are trembling. I'm not sure I can continue. Not only is my look ordinary, it is dated. I hate myself and my pathetic look!

Does your blog suck? Well, roll up your sleeves and do something about it. It is still time! Dude. Just because I suck, why on earth would I change? Here are my reasons.

1. Syndicated content rocks. 
2. By being boring, I make others seem interesting. I make a difference for people that actually try. 
3. Since this blog is a Horcrux I have to blog about myself. No choice here. Even my Horcurx sucks.   
7. If I were a good writer why would I be blogging???
8. Sometimes other people just said it right. Get over it or go home.
9. My inconsistency is probably a good reason people don't read. That and oh yeah, - I SUCK.
10. My layout is unattractive. Perhaps this is one thing I might venture to change. Until then, I suck.
   
Edward Khoo writes about blogging tips and tech stuffs at his blog EdwardKhoo.com. You can also find him on his Twitter account @squall768.

Google Cell Phone

For my one reader who works for Google.

Vacation in the Trees

Earlier this month the fam and I took our bi-annual trip to the east coast to visit the people in the trees. The kids played and many touristy things were done:

1. DC Temple - Went to the visitors center, walked the grounds wit the kids... Commando Cub enjoyed the on-site forest walk. Good thing it was a Sunday and closed or we would have been quite disruptive.
2. Great Falls - Whenever you visit a place don't question the name to the locals. Upon viewing the "falls" I declared them to be rapids in a river. This didn't go over too well. Not sure why its such an attraction, but on the east coast, I suppose anything that isn't a hoard of trees is notable. Odd note: one of the few times I've gone to a nature site full of people and virtually no white folks. 

3. Smithsonian - Our attempts to visit the Washington monument were foiled and thanks to 97 degree heat and 200% humidity, the kids were freaking out. We finally made it to the American History Museum and the best part was walking in the door and feeling my tax dollars in the form crisp AC. We meandered from there to the Natural History Museum at which point I snuck off to see "YEVES KLEIN - WITH THE VOID, FULL POWERS." The name alone made the trip meaningful. Since I was wearing a deep blue polo, I felt like I was part of the exhibit. I later witnessed the flooding of a McDonald's. Honestly, I liked the modern art section at the DAM better, but then I'm a shameful homer for Denver. One last note: don't ride the train. There is a big man near the exits who shakes you upside down to make sure they got all your money before you can exit. 
4. SICK - Everyone either puked or was attacked by severe rectal vomiting during the trip.
5. MOUNT VERNON - I'd say this is a must-see if you are going to D.C. The new museum added in 2007 was tremendous and inspirational. It held the kids attention. Heck it held my attention. The sub woofers in the theater literally shake your seat (Yep). The house and grounds were lovely. I'd say avoid the boat ride. Not exactly worth the fee. 
6. OCEAN CITY - Nasty waves, nasty rip tide and me, the nasty dude. My burial in the sand by the children was foiled by my subsequent resurrection, much to the astonishment of curious onlookers. 
7. HERSHEY PARK - I thought it would be small, but compared to Elitch's this was a big time amusement park. Disregarding the tour of the chocolate factory (I doubted they had a waterfall), I set out on a quest. A QUEST FOR FUN! Even though the adults hated me, I made it on 7 of 8 major roller coasters at the park and still squeezed in some parental moments (SUPER VATER). Mr. Gator was a trooper, but eventually ran out of gas. Thanks to my brilliance, the key to the van was lost, but by some miracle it was turned into the lost and found. Thus having avoided utter familial disaster I proceeded to drive back to D.C. arriving at 2AM thanks to my sheer intestinal fortitude. 
8. SLEEP - My theme park heroics were followed with a day of sleeping on various couches around the house and watching bizarre French films on Netflix.

YOU HANGERS!!!

So that was it in a nutshell. I've typed all of this out not because you give a rip about my vacation, but to prove I did something other than work for a week. Had my sister not been at the helm of planning, I would have just played Wii and watched movies. My life is the better for it. Not to mention the obscene doughnuts we had. Now, onto the slide show!