ARNOLD's Top 5

The other day I had a random thought. Big surprise. What is the greatest Arnold Schwarzenegger (aka Anti-Christ) flick of all time? I've queried a few bright minds, but have come to my own conclusion in the form of a top five and some honorable mentions and unmentionables. Without further ado, here is the list.

1. Predator - This movie embodies male masochism to 98th degree. Elite military forces, massive guns, explosions, evil aliens, jungle survival, the hunt, death, yelling, cursing and some classic lines: "This stuff will make you a sexual Tyrannosaurus!" - "Stick Around" - "If it bleeds, we can kill it" "GET TO THE CHOPPAH!" - "KILL ME, KILL ME!!!" The primal struggle of the hunter and the hunted is fantastic in this movie. Remember the scene where they do nothing but shoot the jungle with crazy guns for like 5 minutes? Awesome. Everyone dies and Arnold is the last man standing. This movie is seething in testosterone. If you ever loose your mojo, watch this, go run in the woods for 5 minutes, cover yourself in mud and you'll be back in business (maybe not with the Lady, but nothing's perfect).

But more astonishing than the film itself is the cast and their later accomplishments. I bet a few more people would have gone to see the film in curiosity if they had known that 2 governors of major states would come out of this beefcake casserole. Arnold went on to become the GOVENATOR and Jesse the Body became THE GOVERNING BODY. In a much lesser known vein, Billy (the Indian tracker) aka Sonny Landham ran for Governor of Kentucky. Plus this movie had Apollo Creed. Best. Arnold. Flick. Ever.

2. Terminator / T2 - I throw these two together because I'm a cop-out. James Cameron (director) gets most of the credit for these movies. This is where Arnold got his signature line going, "I'll be back." Although not Oscar worthy, it was a great performance as a machine and villain. Plus this flick got us thinking about A.I. and the future... something hard to do for the average Arnold fan (trust me). T2 was awesome for its ground breaking CGI work on the T1000 and let's face it, Arnold with Guns & Roses was a triumph for a 90's metal head.

3. Running Man - Stephen King novel... This flick was way ahead of its time, showing us how sick reality television could get. The 80s cheese is off the charts in some areas (good thing in my mind), and in many ways it has the same hunter/hunted vibe as Predator. Its a futuristic Gladiator with some colorful characters, especially the opera singing, sumo sized electric dude. The deaths in this film were very creative and made you laugh instead of cringe (at least blood thirsty teenage boys think so). This movie also had Jim Brown, Jesse the Body and some really skinny nerd. Plus, we got the atoning message from Arnold that steroids are bad. Classic.

4. Total Recall - I rank this one high due to its unusual plot and psychological intrigue. It reminds me of the same enjoyment I got from The Matrix. Are we in reality or just a dream? How would you know the difference? I loved the full wall television, video phones, lame cars, and weak glass on a planet with no atmosphere. Although this was a very violent film, it had a message about reality and your true identity. Hard things to come by in the average Arnie flick.

5. Commando - This movie embodies everything people love to hate or simply love about Arnold. High Body Count, gratuitous violence, senseless nudity, ridiculous plot, sick violent jokes, lots of tough talk, 80s cheese out the yin-yang, a totally lame villain with no business taking Arnold on and a ludicrous love interest. The Unintentional Comedy factor is through the roof on this flick. Which is what makes it funnier on each viewing. Heck, just his name alone makes me grin. John Matrix. I think if this film were made today, some anti-Colombian defamation group would have stopped the production due to the extreme number of latins killed (and so easily I might add) in this film. Wait... this film would not be made today, which makes it a treasure in the Arnold Pantheon.

All of my picks come within the Golden Era from 1984 to 1990. Forgettable before that stretch, and action legend piling up less memorable films after that. But that's why we call it the "prime" of your life, career, etc.

Honorable Mention - Pumping Iron: documentary where Arnold takes on Lou Ferigno in the Mr. Olympia contest. Arnold smokes weed and has no problem showing us just what an ego-maniac he is. True Lies: Hard to leave this one out of the top 5. The interrogation of his wife was hilarious. Conan The Barbarian: [Mongol general asks] "Conan! What is best in life?" [Conan answers] "To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women." And let's not forget Darth Vader was in this movie also...

Hall of Shame - Junior: Arnold does not get pregnant. I find no humor in this. Red Sonja & Conan the Destroyer: Not even Ivan Drago's wife and Wilt Chamberlain could save these flicks. So awful they are funny to watch, but still painful. The Last Action Hero: This movie was so full of itself it just stunk up the joint. Had some great comedic moments, but pitiful compared to the body of Arnold's work. Almost Unmentionable, Batman & Robin: I actually fell asleep watching this. Darkest moment of Arnold's career. The lines, the delivery, OH THE SHAME!!! I can't think of it anymore.

Clearly I'm on vacation and had way too much time to think about this. If you finished this post, I give the line of another ardent Arnold fan who shared most of these memories with me, "I commend you for your diligence."