If you are a woman reading this and don't hate me; quit reading now or prepare to loath me forever. I am here to tell you that Thanksgiving is the last bastion of pure patriarchal, chauvinistic exploitation of women left on the planet. Best of all, we celebrate it as a holiday!! Not so sure? Take a look at my Paradigm Shifting Franklin Covey Turkey Day planner for Man vs. woman:
MAN
- 7:00 AM - Sleep In
- 9:00 AM - Go play in the "Turkey Bowl" with your buddies
- 12:00 PM - Come home and complain about how "sore" you are, crash in front a worthless Detroit Lions game.
- 2:00 PM -Wake up, take your dominant place at the head of the table, make a speech, then carve the flesh of an animal to show your power over nature. Gorge yourself.
- 3:00 PM - Stagger away from the table, back to the E-Z boy
- 5:00PM - Wake up, check the NBA schedule. Talk to other males about hunting, guns and the good life.
- 7:00 PM - Grab a slice of pie, start watching a movie with lots of explosions.
- 10:00 PM - Drone on about how good things were back in your day to impress younger males.
- 11:00 PM -Slip into a sweet tryptophan induced coma. Snore loudly.
WOMAN
- 7:00 AM - Already up slaving over the 7th pie crust.
- 9:00 AM - Ram your fist into a dead bird and rip out its innards, then massage it with special oils!
- 12:00 PM - Peel 40 potatoes, carrots and chop onions. Grate 3 blocks of cheese. Through your tears, "accidentally" stab an in-law with a fork.
- 2:00 PM - Freak out in the kitchen, sustaining second degree burns while basting the turkey, stirring lumpy gravy and curse at your husband's inane speech taking place in the other room.
- 3:00 PM - Take a seat at the kitchen counter and eat a small plate of food. Fight back tears.
- 5:00PM - Wash dishes in scalding water alone, while others pretend to work. Steal away to the bathroom to cry over the dried-out Turkey.
- 7:00 PM - Dishes continue. Dried out hands may never be the same.
- 10:00 PM - Crack "holiday" nuts into a bowl with a scowl on your face. Gossip with other women.
- 11:00 PM - Lie in bed staring at the ceiling wondering "Why do I do this every year?"
3 comments:
Yes.
Long may we reign . . .
Here's the deal: this is the way it is because without this proper order of things, we'd have no Thanksgiving. Men just don't care enough to slave through all that. If it were up to us we'd have Mac N Cheese for Thanksgiving. Heck, my family came out to MY house this year so I said "Off to the buffet!"
Can I come to your house for Thanksgiving next year?
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