The Social Network & 2D Quidditch

Movies and games involving nerds... WHO RULE THE WORLD.

theFacebook - Any film that scores a 97% on the Tomatometer is probably worth seeing. The Social Network is definitely one of them. As an old jock who used to rip on nerds, I found this movie to be HYSTERICAL!!! I was cracking up the whole time. This movie will win you over in the first sequence with Zuckerman and his girlfriend. Next during the credits at the beginning I noticed the music credits included TRENT REZNOR. As in the crazy guy who led Nine Inch Nails back in the 90s. Much more than the unexpected comedy, the scoring blew me away. The music made nerds writing code at 2AM look cool. Yes. You just read that. This guy's music makes a 36 hour programming binge look cool.... I'm still astonished.


I'm CEO, #$^&! - You have my minimal attention.

Beyond these elements this film was an excellent portrayal of capitalism. One guy had the skill and drive to pull off a great idea. As in many cases the germ of the idea came from someone else who didn't have the ability to execute it (the twins). Next the initial business partner had some useful start-up money, but ultimately did not have the connections and the savvy to push the site to Google-like status. This is where Mr. Napster plays his role beautifully. Each flawed individual brought certain talents to the table, but while pursing the most ruthless course to achieve the greatest profit, the consumer got the best product. It may not be pretty, but that brutal cycle has been raising the standard of living for centuries. At least in the modern world the people who get stepped on can "lawyer up" and get their fair share of the spoils. I can hear the Robber Barons rolling in their graves.

2D Quidditch - Check out the video below. You'd think with all the rage for 3D people would reject this sport outright. I just seem to be on a roll with NERDS today.

NEW FLASH BRYANT GUMBEL!!! This game already exists! Its called Lacrosse. Only these guys have some tool running around in yellow outfit and are throwing dodge balls instead of rightly beating the snot out of each other with shoulder pads and sticks. Here is a brief background on the history of Lacrosse.

"Lacrosse is of the oldest sports in North America. The game's roots can be traced back to Native American religion, lacrosse was often played to resolve conflicts, heal sick people, and develop virile, strong men. To Native Americans, lacrosse is still referred to as "The Creator's Game". Lacrosse was considered by many native tribes to be wonderful training for war -- the Cherokees even called it "the little brother of war." Teams would sometimes consist of many hundreds, or even thousands, of players. Goals were quite often miles apart. Games could last as long as 3 days. Most players were unable to get close to the ball, and so took to concentrating their efforts on using their stick as a weapon."

Yes. In the real sport, you actually use the stick, not run around with it between you legs pretending you are flying. But the biggest problem is the lack of 3D. Unless you can actually fly this is just a poor version of Lacrosse and dodge ball mashed together. Could this be done in a large pool with a remote controlled snitch powered by a small but effective propeller? That could be interesting. But it would take way too much effort and resources. So in the meantime, the wizarding world will continue to mock us pitiful muggles as we struggle to emulate magical games with our filthy blood.

A Real Food Blog

The Boss is always looking at these fancy-pants, cooking blogs but thanks to SDMADog, I've one upped her. BEHOLD!




A true Jedi will know about the blue milk


Time to put that "Pioneer Woman" and "The Girl Who Ate Everything" to rest and bring justJENN into the kitchen. http://justjennrecipes.com/foodbuzz-24x24-the-ultimate-star-wars-party/2010/10/04/

Punitive Parking

A few days ago I was headed into DIA for a flight and for the first time in my traveling career, I found the economy lot full. I drove around for about 15 mins looking for a space and waited another five in line to get out at the toll booth. I was already beginning worry I'd miss my flight and was in a tense mood. When I finally got to the booth, they dinged me $1.00 for being in the lot for less than 30 mins.

... WHAT?!?...

Toll booth lady said I could file a complaint if I wanted to and likely will. Most sensible parking lot/garages have a reasonable policy that allows for accidental entry or time under 15-30 mins. No such luck here.

You may be thinking this is not a big deal. 1 buck. Get over it. I beg to differ. I've been pumped full of ads from McDonald's Wendy's and Burger King that my dollar is the most powerful amazing thing on the planet! All joking aside, this is not about money, its about getting slapped in the face.

Q: Why are you slapping me in the face?
A: Becuase I can. [Grin]

Although I've previously predicted that Arnold Schwarzenegger will become the anti-christ, I love a statement from him about taxes.

"I am in principle against taxing, because I feel that the people... have been punished enough from the time they get up in the morning and flush the toilet, they are taxed. Then they go and get a coffee, they are taxed. They get into their car, they are taxed. They go to the gas station, they are taxed. They go for lunch and they are taxed and [it] goes on all day long, tax, tax, tax, tax, tax. So even when they go to bed, you can really go into the bed and fear that you may be getting taxed while you are sleeping. There's a sleeping tax. This is crazy."

Don't forget the punitive parking lot fees. I should say this isn't just a rant on taxes. The corporate world is full of fees that are terrible too, especially bank fees. I've already given them all my money to invest somewhere else at a higher return. In return I have a safe place to keep my money and get ATM cards, etc. I thought we had a good relationship. But must I be slapped with extra fees and say "Thank you sir. May I have another?" If DIA is that hard up for cash, they should find a legit way to provide better service that merits higher revenue, rather than annoying the daylights out of travelers.

To Heck with Halloween

Its seems this is becoming an annual tradition for me to bash on Halloween. But I have good reason this year. It falls on a Sunday. Name me another American holiday that is not compatible with Sabbath observance!

This year I actually was looking forward to Halloween so I could be the MIND CONTROL guy from dinner for Schmucks with the partial turtle-neck. I was even going to get a fake beard. But now I don't care and I've seen the light. Here are some great quotes from an article on why the celebration of this holiday is flat out wrong. http://laststophell.com/hell/halloween.html

"Consider for a moment the symbolism of Halloween. What has that symbolism to do with the true God or Christianity? The symbols of Halloween are blackness and darkness. These are symbols of Satan. God is light and there is no darkness in Him (I John 1:5). Does the symbolism surrounding this holiday reflect what God would appreciate? Does this holiday, with it’s dark symbolism, seem like something God would accept from us? Would Jesus Christ celebrate Halloween, considering its symbolism and images? 

Halloween is the very antithesis of Christianity. Jesus Christ tells us in John 8:12, "I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life." God further tells us, "Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!" (Isaiah 5:20)."

Now consider Christmas. I'll freely admit it is full of Pagan symbols, but at least we can find good meaning in them that lifts and inspires us to believe in Christ. Can we really follow the 13th article of faith and celebrate this festival of death, lasciviousness and darkness?

"If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things."

Yep. Halloween is completely, utterly and totally evil... AND WE LOVE IT!!! I'll see all of you at the trunk-or-treat and any costume party I may be invited to (maybe not after this post). So happy Halloween and here's to hoping God will only beat us with a few stripes for celebrating it.

Gets Better With Age

I'm fresh off another Saturday night at Priesthood Session. What a great meeting. As and added bonus, I got to take a younger friend with me. I was sitting there listening to the Apostles, I thought about how I used dread these meetings when I was my friend's age and what has changed since then.

Let's face it: When you are 12-18, taking your Saturday night to go listen to a bunch of old guys talk in the dark seemed like a major dent in the ol social life or video game schedule (depending on how cool you are). I faithfully went with my dad when he was alive and I didn't harbor any truly ill feelings and I knew it was the right thing to do, so I went. It gave me a chance to ask my dad crazy questions like, "If God wanted me to, could I shoot lighting from my fingertips?" The ice cream afterwards wasn't bad either. I'm grateful that at a young age the habit of doing the right thing was instilled in me; even if I hadn't figured out the right motives yet.

But now I relish these meetings. I love the feeling of fraternity with the other brethren present as well as "The Brethren." For the last thee outings I usually exclaim within myself, "its a shame the boss is missing this!" But she and all womankind are so wonderful they don't need it I suppose. There are some obvious reasons this meeting is better for me now:

• More maturity (cough - OK just a little bit)
• Served a mission - changed my life
• Have kids so I'm eager to be better
• Women - I want to be the kind of Priesthood holder my wife and mom think I am

But how about this?

I'm at a point in my life where a meeting with no kids crawling on me is a treat. I can actually think and feel the Spirit. I often find that some of my best insights come in meetings like this while I'm actively listening, but then I have an impression about something else in my life and I'm truly inspired and fed by the Spirit. I've got that: "I'm never gonna do anything wrong!" feeling again. Sad to say it often fades, but I'll do my best to keep it around.

Another thing that has followed this pattern is golf. I'm HORRIBLE at it, but for the peace and quiet factor, I really enjoy it. I'm sure fishing would qualify, but I haven't done much of it lately.

And finally, I must say Love get better with age. You can shoot me down for pandering to the Boss (who doesn't read this) or being a greasy schmoozer, but if any of you know me, that's not my style. The longer we're together the more she becomes a part of me. My kids as well. Its no wonder God loves us so much if he's spent that much time with us. I heard a great line from a movie I saw lately where a husband confesses to his wife who thinks he's no longer interested, "You're the air that I breathe!" Just because the initial flame is no longer 20 feet in the sky, the bond that develops over time is truly a wonderful thing. Hopefully I never take it for granted.

Small wonder I'm looking forward to a retirement filled with golf, fishing, cheese and a whole lotta time with my wife, kids and (I'll say it) grandchildren... and let's not forget Priesthood Session.

So to any struggling Deacon, Teacher or Priest, hang in there... you may be surprised 10 years from now.

Anemic

Ticked. I'm straight up ticked off. If I told you the Broncos would throw for nearly 500 yards in one game and have only 1 TD on offense you'd think I was crazy. Seriously. If you can torch a team for that much through the air there should be some room to punch in the ball in the red zone. I'm gonna get out my Nostra-Fletch-a-Damus beard and hat and predict here and now: THIS IS A BAD OMEN FOR OUR TEAM. 

I know it was the Colts, led by football cyborg Peyton Manning, but they were very beatable yesterday. "But they are who we thought they were! And we let 'em off the hook!" - Well said Denny Greene. When a team can only rush for 47 yards (10 on one play) and has to make some white guy from BYU their star receiver and they still win on the road... its a bad omen for our team.

[Truthfully, I'm happy Austin Collie is doing well in the pros, but COME ON MAN!!! Must it be against my team?]

How can I possibly be complaining? We lost by 14. Some would say we should be grateful to have lost by less than 20. However, the performance dictates otherwise. Anemia is my diagnosis for our woes. If we had a RED-BLOODED offense, we could be 3-0 right now. But for some reason, we can't score from within 20 to save our lives. So anemia claims another victim.

Perhaps it really is some voodoo thing like a Death-eater cursing our running game or the other team wears Red-Zone deodorant and we just fall to pieces at the smell. I don't know. I'm just looking for answers and want to go feed the whole offense 60 oz steaks and spinach for a week and see if it helps. The following video sums up my frustration.

How to End a QB Controversy

For those of you that wanted an end to the quarterback controversy in Provo, you got it. Here is what the press would tell you about the injury:

Nelson was injured at the Florida State game, possibly after one of the eight sacks BYU QBs received in the game. Nelson had two series and did not come back the rest of the game. http://www.deseretnews.com/blog/60/10010109/Harmons-halftime-Nelson-injury-is-a-tragic-twist-in-a-strange-BYU-offensive-fall.html

We all know the statements above are a bunch of LIES. Eight sacks does not blow out a dude's shoulder. Go ask Sam Bradford. The magic number is two and he found out the hard way. Clearly if Nelson had been injured, he would have come out after the second punishing lick. But he played on, uninjured and the coach was so disgusted with his play, that he pulled him from the game. 



So Good it Hurts...

Here is the real cause of the injury. After no definitive statement from Bronco that Heaps would take over as the starting QB, a local 63 year-old Relief Society President couldn't take the pain any longer. Anyone with at least one eyeball knows Jake Heaps is the future of the program. So this inspired woman did what any good Saint of the Ultimate Days would do: She made a Jell-O casserole with a side of funeral potatoes, took it to the team hotel, delivered it to his room, handed Riley the food and while his hands were occupied, she whipped out a pair of steel nunchucks and in a matter seconds delivered six bone breaking blows to his shoulder.



Nelson was so embarrassed that he got worked over by a RS President bearing a casserole that he denied any reports of his assailant. Besides, who could believe that harmless old lady could be so brutal? I know about it because I have a cousin in the Tallahassee 2nd Ward who is friends with the ward clerk that home teaches a guy who has a friend that dates this girl that works at the hotel and saw it happen while delivering ice to one of the "genuinely" injured player's rooms.

Trust me. This was no accident. "His judgment cometh and that Right Soon." Fair warning to anyone else who wants to try a dual quarterback system.

The Sting Part 2

The continuation of the thrilling saga of reclaiming a vehicle from slavery...

After all of her tough talk, the Boss started to get nervous as we got near the house. After all, this person was trained with guns and who knows what her friends might be like? I knew if the car was there I'd just have to hop out, book up to it and take off before shots could be fired. We sat on pins and needles as we approached the house... and then we saw it... a "FOR SALE" sign.

Once again the rage for satisfaction kicked in. We flipped around, looked in the windows and sure enough, the place was vacant. We took a brochure and called the agent, but no luck. The situation had become more desperate. Was she hiding from us? Was the agent helping her hide? Was he in on a scam? There was still one more address to check. So we drove over there, found a house that looked occupied. The garage door looked slightly ajar. The Boss insisted we try to pull it up and take the car, but I wasn't willing to break the law, especially if we had the wrong address. So we returned home, dejected and devoid of any satisfaction.

At this point I knew I had to get serious so I contacted a repo-man. This dude was straight out of a movie. Ex-cop with slicked back hair, fake cop/repo badge hanging around his neck in a diesel expedition with the lap top out like a cop with multiple Red Bulls. I gave him my file and waited to hear back from him, but 3 days passed and no news. At this point I felt like I had been betrayed by the world and knew I'd have to get crazy to get the car back.

Finally on a Friday, the agent called and said he heard the driver was working as an exotic dancer and gave me the name of the place she worked. At last! I could pull up at 11:00PM hop out and drive way while she worked. But then I looked up the company. NO REAL ADDRESS. Why? It was an escort service. This girl would never be in the same place for long. My hopes began to fade further... I reported all of this to Boss and she audaciously suggested we "hire" her and take the car. We were flat out of options. So with some help, I found the driver on the company website, used a spoof dialer and called the escort service. They were pretty nice on the phone, but I had no idea what to say. I told them the name of the girl and I wanted her to meet me at the motel I was fake dialing from. They wanted to sender her over in the next 30 mins. Whoa! I told them I wasn't quite done with work and I needed more time. So I set it up for 7:00 PM but needed to answer the phone in the room after 6:30 to confirm the appointment. What was the cost? $220 for one hour. With some MUCH appreciated help, I paid cash for the room, called the Repo guy and he said he'd be in the room and confront her and take the car.

We rolled down to the motel and found it to be the perfect location. There was like 10 black dudes on the upper balcony and a bunch of random people hanging around on the lower level and in the parking lot. The Boss and our friend laid low while I met with the repo guy. He said he called the cops and needed to go meet with them down the street. Thus, I had to wait in the room to answer the phone to confirm the appointment since it was now just after 6:30PM. That was some very awkward waiting.

The Motel Room

I was mad, a bit scared but mostly worried this chance would slip through my fingers. Repo guy asked me to call and get some more time, so I made the call but didn't think it through first. I told the dispatcher that I needed an extra 30 mins due to a meeting running late. They said sure, but asked me what number to call. I said call me on the number I'm calling from. Then they said, "isn't that the number you're calling from?" I knew my lie was busted. So I played dumb. "Look, this is embarrassing, but I'm just not ready yet and new to this. Can I get a little more time?" The said fine and I hung up thinking I had blown it. I called Repo guy and he came to the room.

We lamented the failure and all of the sudden I got a text from the Boss saying "she's here with the car." Repo guy flung back the curtains and I instantly saw the car out the window across the street from the motel. He grabbed his file and went booking out the door... at this moment I heard a chorus of oooOOOOOOOoooo!!!! from the upper balcony. I couldn't help but laugh. Everyone came pouring down to watch the action. The Repo guy was  a stud. He ran out in front of the car waiving his badge and stopped them from pulling out. They thought they had been busted for solicitation and were freaked out. They told the repo guy that dispatcher warned her it was likely as sting and not to go. Fortunately, she was stupid and went anyways.

She first told me the payments were caught up (LIES!!!). I told her obviously they were not. Then she said she had to have the car for work and it was Friday night. I said I don't care. Too bad. Then she said her grandpa would buy the car... SURE... Finally, I told her "Lexus is in my jockstrap calling me 3x a day. Do you have any idea what I've gone through to get to this point?" We agreed to take her and her "pimp" home let them clean out their crap and we wouldn't press felony charges. The car was back in my hands. But did I have satisfaction?

Here is a list of what was wrong with the car:

1. Extremely messy. Junk and a film of putrid scum on everything. My heart sank.
2. They had smoked in the car. It REEKED. I thought about how I had once cherished the new car smell in this vehicle. Now it was utterly disgusting. $300 to detail and de-smoke and the smell still isn't gone.
3. The real kick in the teeth came next. I had a Cameron moment when I looked at the odometer. 55,400 miles? I turned it over at 17,500???? She drove nearly 38,000 miles in one year?!? I'm already out nearly $2K on over mileage charges. I'm almost tempted to try taking the miles off going in reverse. But I learn from the movies I watch.  
4. The next day I took it to a shop and they noted some performance tires were on 3 of the 4 wheels, but the front right had the spare wheel and tire that didn't match the rest. No wonder it rode like it was on a slant! So I had to order 3 new tires and a new wheel. 
5. Alignment was off so I had that treated as well.
6. Oil needed to be changed since I figured they never changed it during the 38,000 mile rumpus. I can only assume she drove to Vegas weekly.
7. The bumper and door of the car still need to be painted and have a crappy spray paint job on them. I suppose I'll get this fixed sometime.
8. I had to make up late payments and fee of $925 plus Repo fees of $360. Then I had to make an immediate payment on the car for September.

After getting the car back I remarked, "Its like we're sitting inside of a raped body." I felt unclean and the shame of having sold the car into slavery burned into my tender conscience. As Mr. Cobb said in Inception, "Guilt. I feel Guilt."

I confronted the agent with Repo man the following day. He freaked out. Said he had no money to pay the repo fees, late fees and damages. All of which he was responsible for per the contract. Once again, can you enforce a contract? I told him I'd give him 2 weeks to make a payment or I'd press felony charges. I called him today for an update. Guess what? Number is out of service. Next step is to file the report.

To top it off, the day the Lexus was due out of the shop, the transmission blew out on the MDX. Dealer's estimated cost to repair? $4,900. I flipped out. I cursed the car gods and their wrath against me. What do I have to do? Light a bucket of chicken on fire as a sacrifice?

Ultimately, I'm relieved the sting worked and I can get my life back on track. But like Mick Jagger... "I can't get no Satisfaction."

The Sting Part 1

Everything in this post and the subsequent ones are true. I know many of you don't believe half of what comes out of my mouth but in this case I must apply the old adage, Sad but True. So onto the tale.

In an unfortunate way, Morons make the world go round. They allow thieves and liars to take advantage of them so they have "a job" and in this case, I helped the world go round. Sensing it was time to divest myself of the beautiful Lexus I was driving on a lease, I made an attempt to sell it on Craig's List. I was shortly contacted by a guy who wanted to set me up in a sub-lease situation. Seemed like a win-win for all. They would take over my lease and I'd walk away. The contract looked like it protected me and I was confident if anything went south, I'd be able to pursue justice. Once again, I am a MORON. Just because a legal contract exists and is executed, doesn't guaranty you'll be able to enforce it without great costs that may outweigh the benefits.

The day I dropped it off I had a pit in my stomach. I figured I was just on edge because I'd never done anything like this before. Oprah says to trust you gut. I should have listened to Oprah and got the heck out of there. But as a MORON, I went through with it and said good bye [Adagio for Strings playing in the background]. Looking back on it now, I feel like a father who sold his child into slavery. I know its just an inanimate object, but I talk to the cars I drive, name them and I'm ashamed of what I did.

Here is a modified quote from Burton Howard on matters of cars and keeping them safe from slavery,

If you want something to last forever (or until the end of the lease), you treat it differently... You shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don't expose it to the elements. You don't make it common or ordinary... It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more valuable and precious as time goes by. 

Alright enough self-loathing. At first things seemed fine. Payments were made, some tickets and tolls popped up, but nothing too unsettling. The guy who set up the contract between me and the driver kept promising they would assume the lease outright, but nothing ever happened. Then in November 09, the payment was late. It happened again in January, February and March. I started calling the agent multiple times per month with no improvement.

At this point the Boss got involved. If I have a weakness, it is for the Boss. The old dueling challenge of "I DEMAND SATISFACTION" is an understatement when it comes to customer service with her. Normally, I will pounce like a maniac when she is unhappy and slaughter all who oppose her. But my inner-tiger was unwilling and soon she was making phone calls. Needless to say, I demoted to "total wuss" status in her fiery eyes. But in the oppressive heat of August after a partial payment in July and nothing on the books for that month, my sweaty angst reached a peak and I could take no more. I demanded SATISFACTION!!! (and the car back). Now things get interesting.

I met the agent at McDonald's and gave him my last link to the car, my remaining key fab. He had it for a week and failed to get the car. Kept saying he was too busy with his son. Don't bring your kids into it. Man that ticked me off. So I demanded the key back and said I'd go get it. During the course of the late payments, I began to research who the driver was, where they lived, worked etc. in case this day came. The agent was such a tool that he didn't eve know her address, he just "knew" where she lived. I had to find her on white pages, run a background check (to be sure there was no history of violence) and that helped me find a myspace page and confirm where I thought she lived. It was time to take justice in my hands. With the Boss at my side and key fab in hand we ventured into a pseudo date night fraught with the anticipation of SATISFACTION!!!

To be continued....

Look Out Obama

This guy gives one heckuva speech:

It took me a moment to determine if this guy was serious or not. I admit I find the delivery comical, but I'd love to have this kind of passion from public servants when it comes to cleaning up the treasury. Perhaps he's a real serious pee-wee football coach who doesn't know how to use his indoor voice anymore. Maybe he got that masters degree in communications from "THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR'S SCHOOL FOR COMMUNICATIONS." Seriously. I've seen the ultimate warrior on C-span and other various venues. I'd post his stuff but its laced with profanity. Go find it if you see fit. If it were not so sacrilegious, I'd ask this guy to come speak on food storage this Sunday!

Shoot the Mockingjay

85. That's what I had to make it through. 85 pages of sheer teenage female angst and whining before this book becomes palpable. I nearly quit reading after chapter 6. But the Rooster encouraged me to keep reading and the second half of the book was good, but I can't get the bad aftertaste of the first half out of my mouth.

Hasn't the world had enough of the incessant whining of Bella Swan and her impossibly wonderful love triangle? For me, the appeal of the Hunger Games is... Hunger Games and the rebellion. Not the force fed Pita-Catnip-Gale love triangle. In the history of love triangles have two dudes ever had worse names? Every Gale I've ever known wears skirts and this guy is supposed to be a ruthless rebel leader? And a baker's son named after a type of bread. If only Katniss was named Fletcher (arrow maker) I could forgive all of the whining. 

I'm done with teen angst books: "My life is so unique and complicated! No one understands me. Why am I so boy crazy? I am not boy crazy. Why can't everyone leave me alone? How come I've been left alone? I want to die. I want to live." SHOOT ME!!!

For a moment at the end I thought Collins would one-up J.K. Rowling and actually kill her title character but that would be absurd for "Young Adult Fiction" filled with peda-gladiatorial slaughter, torture and warfare. I must admit that would have pleased me immensely. 

So go ahead and finish or start the trilogy. Just remember 85. Trust me, you won't miss hardly anything.

Why This Blog Sucks

This is a guest post by Edward Khoo. I died laughing when I realized nearly all of this applies to my blog. I'll highlight the ones that sting a little (or a lot) and add some commentary.

If I don't love it, I don't SWALLOW.

You check your traffic every day but all you find are tumbleweeds blowing across the landscape of your blog. Well, there’s a reason you’re not building readership. Your blog sucks.

Most do, and all for the same reasons. The same 10 reasons.

1. You use syndicated content. You can download badly-written articles on the topic of your website at ezine.com, helium.com, goarticles.com and other places on the web. You can cut and paste these pieces on your blog and all you have to do is provide a link back to the author’s site or blog. You can, but you shouldn’t. Without unique content your blog is nothing. Shoot. I guess I shouldn't have copied this article.

2. Your blog is boring. There I said it. Write about topics that interest me, your reader, not topics that interest you. I want you to keep me engaged, entertain me and teach me. Otherwise, you’re boring me. I'm just another random white guy. How vanilla is that? Now... if I cover myself in chocolate I get a lot more interesting.

3. Your blog revolves around your person. Stop talking about yourself already. I don’t know you personally, and I couldn’t care less about your ramblings. Tell me something I can use in my own life. Facts, stories, not boring personal stuff. I pride myself on having no facts and this blog is my Horcurx so I guess I loose on this account.

4. Oh no, not your favorite music on auto-play! So as soon as I access your blog, the ukulele string quartet starts playing? I’d rather hear an accordion band. Don’t add music to your site. Half the people won’t like it and the other half will find it’s a distraction. Yes!!! I finally did something right.

5. You use clip art. I can spot it a mile away. The model smiling, the perfect family spending the day at the beach, the marathon runner – all license free clip art. And with free clip art, you get what you pay for. I disagree. Clip art is SICK. Anyone who can't get behind mass produced art is not worth a bucket of camel spit in the wind.

6. I can’t find the post I want to read. So I have to scroll down through pages and pages to find the piece you posted two months ago. First, even the simplest blog platforms allow for categories and search boxes. I've actually done this to defend prior idiotic statements so I guess I'm safe here.

7. Your writing totally sucks. Oh, not the writing itself. You’ve got a good writing style. Easy to read. But your posts are loaded with typos, misspellings, lost punctuation and other mistakes that signal you don’t care enough about your readers. BURRRRRRRRNNNNNN!!!

8. You’re spinning articles. You might not be using software to actually spin the articles, but you are writing about the same stuff everyone else inside your niche is. This is not as bad as getting content from article directories, as you are actually using your own words here, but it won’t cut it all the same. Write something interesting or go home. Guilty as charged. I don't have an original thought in my head. It all comes from the green little men that visit me when I sleep.

9. You post once a month. How often you think I’m coming back to see if there’s some new, pithy pearl of wisdom I can glean from your blog? If you can’t update your blog at least a couple of times a week, forget about it. I'm guilty here because I'll try to keep my day job and not post for weeks at a time then have a massive output like the last few days. Yes, I suck.

10. Your blog looks like 12023532989 other blogs. WordPress offers hundreds of templates from which to choose. So, if you choose Minima Brown, your blog will look like all the other writers who build blogs using Minima Brown (or Blue). My fingers are trembling. I'm not sure I can continue. Not only is my look ordinary, it is dated. I hate myself and my pathetic look!

Does your blog suck? Well, roll up your sleeves and do something about it. It is still time! Dude. Just because I suck, why on earth would I change? Here are my reasons.

1. Syndicated content rocks. 
2. By being boring, I make others seem interesting. I make a difference for people that actually try. 
3. Since this blog is a Horcrux I have to blog about myself. No choice here. Even my Horcurx sucks.   
7. If I were a good writer why would I be blogging???
8. Sometimes other people just said it right. Get over it or go home.
9. My inconsistency is probably a good reason people don't read. That and oh yeah, - I SUCK.
10. My layout is unattractive. Perhaps this is one thing I might venture to change. Until then, I suck.
   
Edward Khoo writes about blogging tips and tech stuffs at his blog EdwardKhoo.com. You can also find him on his Twitter account @squall768.

Google Cell Phone

For my one reader who works for Google.

Vacation in the Trees

Earlier this month the fam and I took our bi-annual trip to the east coast to visit the people in the trees. The kids played and many touristy things were done:

1. DC Temple - Went to the visitors center, walked the grounds wit the kids... Commando Cub enjoyed the on-site forest walk. Good thing it was a Sunday and closed or we would have been quite disruptive.
2. Great Falls - Whenever you visit a place don't question the name to the locals. Upon viewing the "falls" I declared them to be rapids in a river. This didn't go over too well. Not sure why its such an attraction, but on the east coast, I suppose anything that isn't a hoard of trees is notable. Odd note: one of the few times I've gone to a nature site full of people and virtually no white folks. 

3. Smithsonian - Our attempts to visit the Washington monument were foiled and thanks to 97 degree heat and 200% humidity, the kids were freaking out. We finally made it to the American History Museum and the best part was walking in the door and feeling my tax dollars in the form crisp AC. We meandered from there to the Natural History Museum at which point I snuck off to see "YEVES KLEIN - WITH THE VOID, FULL POWERS." The name alone made the trip meaningful. Since I was wearing a deep blue polo, I felt like I was part of the exhibit. I later witnessed the flooding of a McDonald's. Honestly, I liked the modern art section at the DAM better, but then I'm a shameful homer for Denver. One last note: don't ride the train. There is a big man near the exits who shakes you upside down to make sure they got all your money before you can exit. 
4. SICK - Everyone either puked or was attacked by severe rectal vomiting during the trip.
5. MOUNT VERNON - I'd say this is a must-see if you are going to D.C. The new museum added in 2007 was tremendous and inspirational. It held the kids attention. Heck it held my attention. The sub woofers in the theater literally shake your seat (Yep). The house and grounds were lovely. I'd say avoid the boat ride. Not exactly worth the fee. 
6. OCEAN CITY - Nasty waves, nasty rip tide and me, the nasty dude. My burial in the sand by the children was foiled by my subsequent resurrection, much to the astonishment of curious onlookers. 
7. HERSHEY PARK - I thought it would be small, but compared to Elitch's this was a big time amusement park. Disregarding the tour of the chocolate factory (I doubted they had a waterfall), I set out on a quest. A QUEST FOR FUN! Even though the adults hated me, I made it on 7 of 8 major roller coasters at the park and still squeezed in some parental moments (SUPER VATER). Mr. Gator was a trooper, but eventually ran out of gas. Thanks to my brilliance, the key to the van was lost, but by some miracle it was turned into the lost and found. Thus having avoided utter familial disaster I proceeded to drive back to D.C. arriving at 2AM thanks to my sheer intestinal fortitude. 
8. SLEEP - My theme park heroics were followed with a day of sleeping on various couches around the house and watching bizarre French films on Netflix.

YOU HANGERS!!!

So that was it in a nutshell. I've typed all of this out not because you give a rip about my vacation, but to prove I did something other than work for a week. Had my sister not been at the helm of planning, I would have just played Wii and watched movies. My life is the better for it. Not to mention the obscene doughnuts we had. Now, onto the slide show!  

Book & Movie Club - Iteration Whatever

Time to breakdown of my latest reads & viewings. (Can you stand the excitement?)

Brave New World - I took this down via PDF on my iBooks app on my iPhone during my iVacation. Everything is better with an "i" in front of it.After reading 1984 about a year ago, I felt I was obligated to go to opposite end of the dystopia spectrum and get reacquainted with this book. (I must confess I never actually read it in high school). For any unfamiliar with the plot, this book is about a perfect future society that has done away with pain and problems through technology and drugs. A savage man from an uncivilized reservation is brought to the Brave New World and havoc ensues.

While I was reading this I kept asking myself would I prefer to live in the 1984 world or this one? I'd like to think I'm tough enough to fight big brother and survive the Ministry of Love and perhaps change the world; but ultimately I'd probably choose to have a boring job, no family a bunch of ultra 3-D movies and Soma vacations. If I rebelled against the system, I'd just have to go live with some other interesting people and die.

For you LDS people, if Satan had his way and got to execute his plan would it look more like 1984 or Brave New World? Personally I don't think anyone would sign up for 1984, but if we were tricked into it, it would be a way to inflict maximum pain and misery on people so I'd have to vote for that one.

Ultimately, the Savage in the this book goes crazy, whipping himself every time he thinks a perverse thought and commits suicide after some bizarre orgy. So neither science or religion (if they have to be set against each other) comes out looking like a winner in this book. [This doesn't exactly make up for not reading the book in Mr. Fair's class, but better late than never].

Murder on the Orient Express - I listened to this a few days ago while driving to Grand Junction. I knew nothing of the plot and really enjoyed it. I must admit, I didn't remotely see the solution and felt like my brain was a pretzel trying to keep track of the facts. The investigator Hercule Poirot (far more enjoyable than Robert Langdon) is a great character with his sense of humor and wit. After finishing, I decided to watch the movie and see the 1974 adaptation. It was in a word: TERRIBLE. I thought it would live up to Murder on the Nile, but it was dreadfully boring and I fell asleep. 

Dinner for Schmucks -  I saw the French version of this over a year ago and expected the American version to be terrible, but I was mildly surprised. I often find a movie is worth my time if there is one character that grabs my imagination and makes me laugh. In this flick it was Kieran, the modern artist with "ANIMAL MAGNETISM."

This guy just cracked me up. He seemed vaguely familiar to me and later that night I shot up in bed and pronounced to my befuddled Boss that he was the actor was from the Flight of the Chonchords, famous for their unplugged hit, "Business Time." The mind control guy was awesome too. This movie left me in stitches and wondering who I want to be for Halloween this year.

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World - If you are prone to seizures, don't see this movie. Its a very unique film, played out like a video game with endless pop-ups and lots of teen angst music. The first 10 seconds of the 8-bit Universal logo and theme song set the stage perfectly. Of course, I loved it. I was even more surprised that the Boss loved it. Perhaps more than me. Some random thoughts as I watched this:

1. Since when is some Goth chick worth fighting for?
2. I think the Asian girlfriend was Cho Chang from HP. If so, she was tiny in this movie. That makes Dan Radcliffe even smaller in real life.
3. Brandon Routh has acted once again!!! Now he is an evil super-powered Vegan bass player. Almost unrecognizable from his days as the man-o-steel. 
4. I need to give up on reality and enjoy the show. 
5. The 1-up, replay was a gamer's delight. Very well done. (you'll have to see it).
6. The use of Zelda music in several scenes nearly brought my inner child to tears.
7. This is a perfect example of how Sesame Street empowered a generation of idiots with short attention spans.

Ultimately, this is a very interesting movie. Its very high energy and got a bit tedious (for me) but if you love video games and randomness, this should be in your wheel house.

 A-Team - Much better/funnier than expected.

Our Poor Stable

Traning Camp, day 1 and both our #1 and #2 running backs go down with injury. http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=5438332. And now we're turning to our home grown lard-eater to solve our problems? Something is wrong. Its as though our poor stable of running backs has been cursed. I've wondered about this before in a prior post and called for a public execution of the training staff: http://fletchword.blogspot.com/2008/12/we-dont-deserve-to-win.html. Alas, I have a new theory.

A Death Eater has jinxed the job of Tailback.

Like You-Know-Who jinxing the Defense against the Dark Arts job, our tailbacks have been cursed. But when did this all start? Didn't we used to have the best rushing attack in the leauge? Auto 1,000 yard rushers? When did it all change? I can tell you. The brutal trade of Clinton Portis for Champ Bailey in March 2004. Shannahan believed he was invincible at running back and could plug anyone in there. But this isn't the universe getting even or bad Karma, the real reason our tailbacks are constantly injured is becuase Clinton Portis is a Death Eater who felt shunned by the organization and jinxed the job. Here is a hereto unreleased photo of Clinton at a night club in D.C.

It all fits!! This is why Bowlen inexplicably fired Shanahan!! He knew about the curse and hoped that by firing Shanahan and hiring some arrogant 33 year-old doomed to failure that he could break the spell. But Clinton is more powerful than that. As if a man who wears fluffy fur coats to football games could undo the powerful spell of a Death Eater. I believe the real power of the jinx lies with Bailey. Our poor stable will be cursed until we get rid of Champ who was the reason for Clinton's dismissal. I love the guy, but we sold our soul for him and the Death Eaters have made us pay. I'll be glad to get our stable back when his contract expires at the end of this season.

Nothing is what it Seems / TS3 Review

Last night I finished the dishes and settled down to watch the Spanish Prisoner while the Boss went shopping for school supplies. She proclaimed her mission to be top-priority. Absolutely Critical. I chided her that she'd be back by 10PM. Boy was I wrong.


First off, I'm watching a movie drier than the Sahara desert with no score (which was good at first, but them I got frustrated that no one was telling me what to feel, so I got upset) and is full of things that are not what they seem. At about 10:15, the Boss calls and tells me she's been watching the Bachelorette for like 3 hours, no shopping done. ???? I'm ready to go look in the mirror and see if I'm the same person and check that the kids are still in bed. Even if it was school supplies, I've never known her to shut down shopping alone, away from my whining and the kids. And for the Bachelorette... Absolute Scandal.

Not really. I'm exaggerating. I'm actually happy she went and did something for her, even if it FREAKED ME OUT. But I blame it on the movie. Not her. (No... never). The question is, will I see it coming the next time or get duped like the Boy Scout in the movie? And what's with Steve Martin playing a rich jerk who isn't funny? Another crime against nature. However, I did enjoy the film, except the ending seemed to wrap up too quickly.

TOY STORY 3

99% on the RT meter usually means a good film and TS3 was no exception. I'll admit the Toy Story movies don't hit the same nerves for me as Ratatouille, Up or even Wall-e'd. (Yes, I just said computer generated kids movies make me emotional). But I cry over everything. - Right Boss? Except this movie. It was good, but no Pixar tears. I guess my NES was more dear to me than GI Joe's or naked barbies. Speaking of which, Ken and Barbie steal this installment. However, I still like TS2 a bit more, simply for the Zurg stuff. My inner fan-boy rejoiced. If you are one the 10 people left in America that haven't seen this yet, I applaud you for being different. I hope you feel better about yourself and can abstain until red box or maybe forever. Become a TS3 Nun. You may not be what you seem.

P.S. - Dear Boss,
Please remmeber there are flowers on that AMAZING wood table that you found on a crazy good sale in the kitchen.

Mash-up: Toy Story 3: Inception

Thanks to Glee, everyone is now into mash-ups, which I've come to enjoy. Thanks to some more wonderful editing; two of my favorite movies from this summer have become one. Almost as good as peanut butter and chocolate.

Tom Cruise on Home Teaching

Friend of mine just sent this to me. In a word - Outstanding. If only my editing skills were this SICK...

INCEPTION

I saw Inception last night and my brain is still buzzing over possibilities. For my taste, this was an excellent film. Well crafted story, beautifully shot and filled with action that serves the plot not derailing it. Nolan wrote this years ago and you can tell he's put tremendous effort into the production, writing and directing. Hands down one of my favorite directors. So yes, I give this two thumbs up, five stars... its outstanding. Go see it in all its glory on the big screen.

I really don't want to talk too much about the plot and spoil it for anyone that hasn't seen it yet. But it will require some thought which for most of you is a good thing. It has elements of the recent Batman films and the Matrix, but it clearly stands on its own. Its unlike any dream/subconscious film I've ever seen. I won't pretend to fully understand the movie and am looking forward to a second viewing where I can test some of my theories to see if they hold up. The only weakness of this film it that it moves so fast you don't have much time to connect to the characters, but I think that will be accomplished in later viewings.

Once again a big shout out to Hans Zimmer on a wonderful score. Still going in my mind this morning. He and Nolan are the Spielberg/Williams of the modern era. Hats off to these guys for making serious movie magic.

As for the LDS perspective, this movie had little profanity, zero sexual content and the action was fairly tame. For you scardie-cats out there, this movie is not going to freak you out. Even the boss was quite calm afterwards. So go ahead, eat your popcorn and feel no shame.

SPOILERS!!!

After watching the movie you'll want to think more about it. Here is an interesting article that should only be read after watching. Ciao. http://popwatch.ew.com/2010/07/17/%E2%80%98inception-ending/