Amnesia Fails Against My Love

So I just finished watching THE VOW and had a very pleasant realization. First, I should say I'm usually a bit reluctant to watch anything under 30% on the tomato meter, but the plot interested me. What would happen if your spouse lost their memory of life until a month prior to meeting you? Could it all work again? Of course in this film its the man trying to win back his wife. But perhaps it would have been more interesting the other way around.

Since I don't have any idea what is going on in my wife's head [understatement], I can only put myself in the shoes of the amnesiac in this scenario. Indulge me as I re-write the story for my life.

• I go through a windshield due to a recklessly wild and passionate make-out session in an ice storm. (good start)
• I wake up in the hospital and see what I think is a female doctor (The Boss) and some nurse staring at me. The doctor has something about her, but I can't tell what it is. 
• The nurse says I've suffered an acute case of defenestration. 
• The last thing I can remember is being a lowly college student in Provo, stargazing out my window and playing that 80s song "I wanna know what love is" song over and over. 
• I look down at my body and see the young, robust man I thought I was is GONE.
• The nurse hands me a mirror...  Lamb Chops and bottom half of my goatee... GONE. 
• I see my face has aged terribly. Lack of a $120 nightly facial moisturizer, stress and excessive carbohydrates have ruined me... my hair line continues to recede and ear hairs are growing.
• I ask, "how old am I?"  - The doc replies with a grin that I'm 35, but I really think I'm 41 due to some age adjustment that I made up... my confusion only grows. 
• The nurse asks me if I can remember the accident.
• [Crickets] - As I scan my life I see myself wandering the concrete halls of UVSC, a sub-woofer, Maddona's Ray of Light CD and dodging a stalker that can bench press 500 pounds.
• A chill of horror sweeps over me as I put it together that my body and my memories are over 13 years off.
• Shaking my fist I silently ask: how could God do this to me? Now I'm middle aged, out of shape and working with half a brain.
• The despair of the moment nearly overpowers me; and then I notice the doctor is crying. 
• "What's the matter?" I ask.
• She looks at me and says you don't remember me? 
• Taking a smug page out of Obi-wan's book I politely reply, "Should I have?" 
• She says with a smile: I'm your wife. 
• I laugh and say, "Seriously? You're joking. This isn't some sort of prank?"
• "Yes, that's the sick kind of hospital we run here" replies the disgusted nurse and I realize its no joke.
• That vision of those blue eyes and flowing blonde hair is still married to this? 
• But... my youth is gone. I probably now like music that teenagers despise. I bet that even though I suck at golf, I play it just for the greenery, peace and quiet. I follow politics, read the business section and prefer wheat bread or maybe none at all? I probably even sound like my father when I yell at my kids. 
• If I don't accept that she is my wife... HOW IN THE WORLD COULD I EVER FIND SOMEONE LIKE HER IN MY CURRENT CONDITION? 
• And then sunlight bursts through the window of the room, illuminating her hair as she waves it in the sunlight and it hits me. You don't have to worry about it. That's my woman! 
• Despite whatever I've become, I'm the luckiest man alive and I shout out FETCH YES!!! HAHA!!!
• I rip the oxygen and IVs out of my nose and arms, hop up and down on the hospital bed like Tom Cruise and cry for joy as I run around the recovery center with my gown flapping open behind me. 
• The nurse turns to The Boss and says, "its still not too late to have him committed." [and scene]

OK. That's a bit overblown and it condensed a feature length film to a 10 minute YouTube clip.

But this movie made me realize how much more I like and love my wife today than when I first met her. If I truly woke up, remembered nothing and spent just 15 minutes with her, I would know right then what I knew on my first date with her: This is the other half of my soul. Its why silence between us is comfortable and time alone in her presence seems to slip away. I might not recall everything our life was to that point, but that connection will always be there. And here is the thought that really made me happy. If she can become so much more beautiful, lovely and challenging in 13 years; how much more will I love her in 30 million! It may sound ridiculous in those terms, but I'm starting to see how our marriage for time and eternity is such a tremendous blessing beyond description.  

Mr. Fox & The Wolf

I recently watched The Fantastic Mr. Fox with the kids and was impressed with a theme running through the movie of being a wild animal. Since I'm currently reading Wild at Heart, the point of the movie suddenly jumped out at me.

Mr. Fox was a happy Bachelor stealing chickens for a living. But upon being trapped with a wife and child (literally) he promises to give up his wild profession to become a newspaper man.



12 fox years later (2 human years) he is having a mid-life crisis and recklessly moves into a tree near some of the most dangerous farms in the valley. He forges a master 3-phase plan to reclaim his masculinity or wild side without his wife and child knowing. All goes well until the farmers track him down, shoot off his tail and force his family underground. At this point his wife asks him why he broke his promise to never steal chickens again (or be a real man) and he can only respond with, "because I'm a wild animal." She then points out you are also a husband and a father, and he has no further answer only to accept his actions will ultimately kill the family.

Up to this point, it would appear Mr. Fox's masculinity or wild nature have doomed him to failure. It doesn't seem right or fair since that is what nature designed him for. However, thus far he has only used his wild nature for selfish purposes.

Just as Mr. Fox is about to accept defeat and be killed by the farmers for the good of the other animals (a truly selfless act), he hears his son being attacked by Rat and uses his wild instincts for a good cause fighting to save his son. He then realizes its time for all the animals to shed their civilized nature (English names) and embrace their wild nature (Latin names and abilities) to beat the farmers. Mr. Fox co. then go onto rescue cousin Kristofferson, defeat the farmers and escape what seemed to be a hopeless situation.

Several times during the film, Kylie (the Opossum) mentions Wolves and Mr. Fox always stops in a dead panic saying he has a phobia of wolves. After their ultimate escape they encounter a wild wolf on the way back home. Mr. Fox tries to communicate with the wolf in English, Latin and French to no avail. All the wolf seems to understand is Mr. Fox raising his fist in a "fight the power" salute which he returns. Mr. Fox remarks with a tear in his eye, "what a beautiful creature" and they drive away. Here is the scene:



The wolf represents the wild side of Mr. Fox, out in the mountains that he was always afraid of because he never knew how to control it... until then. He realized using his wild instincts to fight for his family, rescue the captive, and liberate his people was good. The wolf does not speak any language because it represents pure instincts that need no language to function. Mr. Fox's encounter with the wolf affirms that down at his core, his wild heart is good and nothing to be ashamed of when used in the service of others.

Interestingly enough, cousin Kristofferson is an example in the film of a boy/man who has mastered his wild instincts and uses them for good or happy expression like jumping off the tree and making a perfect dive into the small pool.

All this stuff is great, but will young men pick up on it when watching the film? Obviously not on an analytic level, but their wild hearts will see a father who did wild things the wrong way and then embraced his wild side to help others. It models rejecting an incorrect use of masculine instincts and embracing them when called for. Great lessons for a young man to learn and a great excuse to re-watch this movie with your kids. Here is a good montage of being different which is another good lesson kids can get out of this movie.



Of course, I'll put down some thoughts on Wild at Heart when I'm done with the book.      

The Worthing SAGA

"For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things."

How do you write a science fiction novel that teaches this doctrine without anyone knowing? Read the Worthing SAGA to find out. I think half the fun of reading Card is to see how he manages to get doctrine across to the world like Seinfeld's wife puts broccoli into brownies.

This is the story of humankind spanning hundreds of worlds with a capitol planet like Coruscant (big city planet in Star Wars). A few humans have developed the power to read and explore people's minds, however they are tremendously feared and executed if discovered. One such boy has this gift/curse and the story chronicles his life and the downfall of several civilizations, brought on by ABNER DOOM.

But it gets better from the how-do-I-teach-LDS-themes perspective. Jason Worthing, the boy who can read minds has grown old and wants someone to preserve his story so future generations will know of his struggle for true happiness. With the help of a mysterious woman, they get Larid, a blissfully ignorant 14 year-old farm boy to write his story in the language of his people. The woman gives Larid visions or actual memories of Jason's life as if he experienced them himself. As the story of Jason unfolds, Larid learns to embrace the realities of life and is now ready to begin his own journey into the unknown.

Hopefully multiple things that I just said ring some Book of Mormon bells for you.

One of my favorite elements about a few Card novels is his use of people leapfrogging through time via hyperspace travel or in the case of this book, a drug called Somec. The elite of society are preserved through the centuries by waking for 1 to 2 months or sometimes weeks and then sleeping for five to 50 years so they can guide the rest of the pathetic human race to greatness. But is it really working or crippling mankind?

Once again, Card manages to have a vision of future technologies or ideas that in some cases have already become "reality" for us today. Overall, I really enjoyed the book and highly recommend it for your summer sci-fi pleasure.  

Snow White & The Hutsman

I consider myself a reasonably informed moviegoer, but not a professional critic. So when I'm watching a film and the literal expression "Wow, this script is kinda bad" goes through my mind, you know you have an awful movie on your hands. Where to begin?

The premise looked great. LOTR meets sappy fairy tail and puts some hair on its chest. RARRR. Charlize Theron wearing exotic costumes, taking milk baths and eating bird hearts. RARRR.

   

Thor fighting a Troll, swarthy Dwarfs, EPIC battle sequences and a 75 point white buck. WHAT WENT WRONG? THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE AWESOME!?

I shall now list the ways:

• Terrible dialouge
• Unimaginative script
• Kristen Stewart speaking
• Kristen Stewart wearing FULL plate armor? She couldn't lift a dutch oven.
• Kristen Stewart giving a Braveheart speech
• Thor not wielding a hammer at least once - Like Arnold's "I'll be back." Doesn't have to be major, just at least pick one up for a moment during the film. 
• Not giving women what they want - a little romance and prince charming or at least sexy Thor
• A paradise earth sequence on LSD.
• Ultimately an excuse for someone with a Charlize Theron fetish to dress her up in a bunch of bizarre outfits and be really mean to people.
• An ending sequence that almost made me scream. Its like they took one shot, no one could remember their lines, but they figured it was good and the poor editor had nothing to work with.
• OR MAYBE KRISTEN STEWART JUST CAN'T MAKE A MOVIE THAT ISN'T INCREDIBLY AWKWARD AND MAKES ME WANT TO RUN OUT OF THE THEATER WITH A BAG OVER MY HEAD. I SWEAR SHE IS GOING TO THE MOVIE PANTHEON HALL OF SHAME. 

I will give them credit for forming a shield wall and some cool special effects. And of course the scenes in the village where the people were so dirty I half expected some Monty Python & The Holy Grail lines... Bring out yer dead! Perhaps that saves the movie for some of the riff-raff. Whatever.

GO BACK TO YOUR SHANTIES!

Men Actually Give Birth!

I'm amazed in today's world that Groupon actually solicits business from women with the following:

That's right, I need a "Daddy Fix-up" for all of the damage having children has done to my body. This would include long hours at the office indicating no social life, poor diet resulting in morbid obesity, not enough sleep rendering me incoherent, hair loss due to stress, IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) and driving a mini-van.

And a bunch of Steaks for $55 is supposed to make it all better??? 

This is why America is falling apart. We've lost sight of making Fathers feel special by giving them cheap stereotypical gifts like red meat, ties and watches. 

The rising generation of men don't even wear ties or watches anymore!!! The new look is a suit sans tie. We get no thought, no respect. 

Instead of these lame gifts, just give men what they want! TOTAL CONTROL WITH NO ACCOUNTABILITY OR RESPONSIBILITY. It can be summed up in the I'm Never's of Manhood. This means:

• I'm never doing the dishes 
• I'm never changing diapers
• I'm never driving a mini-van
• I'm never assembling toys again
• I'm never watching HGTV or Lifetime
• I'm never going to eat pitiful sized portions
• I'm never cleaning the house
• I'm never saying I'm sorry or I'm wrong 
• I'm never dealing with children under the age of two
• I'm never spending my money on anyone but me
• I'm never coming home unless I feel like it
• I'm never asking for help, directions or opinions
• I'm never apologizing for bodily functions 

If Mom gets breakfast in bed, surely we can allow ALL the above for a Dad on Father's day! (of course that renders all of the never's void, but whatever). 

And now I give you 26 politically incorrect facts about men.     

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

4. Men are very confident people. Guys are so confident that when they watch sports on television, they think that if they concentrate they can help their team.

5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.

10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."

14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

16. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

17. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

18. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

19. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

20. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

21. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.

23. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

24. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

25. Men forget everything; women remember everything.

26. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.

Splitting Your Soul - Preached from the Pulpit!

For some of you this post may be difficult to read because like Hairless Potter, you don't want to become HE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED. 

If so, stop reading now; but I assure you the damage is already done. Take your blue pill and go home. 

But for the rest, I've found proof of this blog's power as a Horcrux (http://fletchword.blogspot.com/search?q=the+truth+about+this+blog) preached from the Pulpit at BYU. Listen to the magic of Sister Jensen's words:

 In very real ways, communication technologies allow us to project our bodies (or our souls) across vast geographies. The very nature of “our presence” is rapidly changing and expanding. As with all things here in our second estate (see Abraham 3:26), there are some spiritual disadvantages of these new abilities that stand in opposition to their obvious rewards. 

Please know that I am not speaking of theoretical or metaphysical notions. Rather, I am speaking of very practical and actual effects that I know you and I have experienced. For example, my texting or emailing before and even during a devotional has an effect on my presence here. My iPhone enables me to divide my presence. While I might be seated here, part of my attention—part of my soul—is back at the office, where the concerns of the email I am reading are properly housed. Another part of my soul is in the company of the person I am texting—inevitably miles away from the location of my ears. Such a disbursement of my soul has prevented me on occasion from participating in a devotional with my complete presence, and I have learned that receiving a message through the Spirit is dependent upon my willingness to listen to that message with my whole soul. http://speeches.byu.edu/reader/reader.php?id=13787&x=57&y=4 

However, I am curious to hear what some of you (the three of you) think on this subject. Are you really splitting your soul temporarily when making a long distance phone call, face time, texting, etc? Does it require your live attention for the split to be real? Or would home movies and photos, etc. not count? And am I going to be the next Super-Villan to SCORPIO and his sub-nemesis Albus Severus Potter?

Just Get Over it Ma'am

Today we had the front lawn sprinklers fixed. During dinner, the sprinkler guy poked his head in the door to announce something and addressed the Boss as "Ma'am."
...
As she sat down, she looked at me incredulously and exclaimed:
DO I LOOK LIKE A MA'AM?
So I said, "What? Did you want him to call you sexy?" 
But I had forgotten the ancient wisdom of Boromir when he opined:

[For once I actually created an image for my blog - Its that important]

Real Cougars agree, nothing is more insulting than to address a woman as "Ma'am" http://www.therealcougarwoman.com/2010/09/maam.html

But why? The Dictionary.com defines Ma'am as:

1. madam ( woman of rank or authority, in charge of the house or a whorehouse ) .
2. (in Britain) a term used in addressing the queen or a royal princess.

I see nothing here to get upset about: Queen? Princess? High rank and Authority? Domestic Engineer? At the least, you can take it as a sign of respect. 

All I get as a guy at best is Sir and usually Dude... DO YOU HEAR ME COMPLAINING?

Sorry Cincinnati

I miss judged you. All my life I heard you were a scary place to live in the middle of the country. But after a weekend visiting for the Cougar Abogado's graduation, I've had a change of heart. Now I'm singing the following:

 

To me, this place is like a mix of San Francisco and Boston, MINUS the ocean. Or perhaps it would be best to call it unique. Here are some photos from the trip that were both stunning and a pleasure to take.

 

Now for the real fun stuff. On Friday night with some time to burn, I figured I'd go for a walk. I saw a small creek about 1/4 mile north of the hotel and figured I'd meander down there. WRONG. Being a foreigner, I didn't realize this place is the JUNGLE. After descending down a trail, I wound up bushwhacking it along the creek after a 500 ft drop in elevation. The tree cover got so think darkness came upon me. Here are my pathetic iPhone 4 photos (the Siri powered one would have done better... I KNOW).

lost along the creek of shattered dreams

Of course as darkness fell in the jungle, I started to think of the Preadator coming to kill me. Here is what was going through my mind.

 

BEARD CHICKEN

After the last failure with Chicken Poo, I've decided to test the waters again with a new challenge: Beard Chicken

I may lose my career and have to build an Ark to justify my behavior to the world if the Boss never catches onto this one. Or I may just tell them its my body and I can do whatever I want with it per the US Constitution protected by SUPREME Judge Scalia. I also highly recommend the following podcast on a game of Beard Chicken by the venerable Judge John Hodgeman.

http://www.maximumfun.org/judge-john-hodgman/judge-john-hodgman-episode-36-beard-science

Chicken Poo

For nearly a week (and probably longer) the Boss and I have been playing a game of chicken... with POO.

In our closet, there is a spot where NACHO the "pig cat" likes to hang out. But not anymore. For a few days, I thought something in his usual space was a toy, but about 5 days ago, I realized it was his feces. 

So what now? Obviously she knows its there. She must know I know its there. I and I know that she knows that I know and she is expecting that I know I should pick it up. 

But I want to see how long this can go on. Who will pick it up first and then blow up at the other? To be continued...

AVENGE ME!!!!!!!

Stan Lee and the folks at Marvel are idiots. I don't care if Spider-man wasn't part of the original 1963 Avengers squad. If you are going to make the Bellagio buffet of comic book movies and Spider-man is in your arsenal, YOU USE HIM!!!

Since 75% of this film is the Avengers fighting each other, why not show Spidey dodging smashes from the Hulk? Or making Thor swing his hammer into his forehead? In two words from the YouTube generation:

Now we get to see the same Spider-man movie made about a decade ago, because some studio executives had to have TWO big summer movies and figured it would be easier to re-boot the franchise the same way Batman Begins did. But guess what?

Its already doomed to EPIC FAILURE.

Why?

It looks like the same panty-waist whiner as Peter Parker that we had last time. Let's face it. We all got sick of his never-ending blubbering about living below the poverty line and pining over the "girl next door." Why should we pay to see that again? Why can't Spider-man hold down a reasonable job and flat in Manhattan, afford take-out 3x per week and date an investment banker who doesn't mind him leaving all the time?

But I digress. The Avengers was a great movie. A true fan-boy ORGY of multiple heroes with massive explosions, action, comedy and a reasonably coherent plot. Best part? Near the end, the Hulk absolutely destroys the villain like a rag doll. I nearly died laughing.

However, I'm getting old and I think I much prefer movies focused on one hero with more plot and character development. How do I say it? Something more intellectually and emotionally satisfying. I can't believe I just typed that. Now that I'm going to heck for snobs. I'll leave this post in peace and hope you enjoy the Avengers at least 50% as much as I did.

New Look

To answer the CA, the new look on this blog was a bit of an accident. I wanted to see what the new templates would look like, but I clicked on "apply" rather than "preview" and lost my old look permanently.

Here is what happened next:
Next in a fit of rage, I killed my Death Eaters and corrupt Bankers...

Then after much tinkering and agonizing over details, I settled on continuing my mountain theme. I'm a bit sad that I never got to save some pages from how it looked before, but I guess only I as the originator of the Horcrux will ever know the truth. The rest of me will just be small, naked, sniveling toddlers on the ground waiting to be abandoned at some train station as a kindly Wizard and arrogant teenager turn their backs on me.

Ghandi & Miller Time

I saw a great cartoon today from Drew Litton that speaks to the annual "Miller Time" phenomenon where I live.

In years past I posted about how I unleash my wrath on these insects when they overstay their welcome. http://fletchword.blogspot.com/2009/06/its-miller-time.html. However this year, I've made it my goal NOT TO KILL A SINGLE MOTH. Ghandi will now survive his hunger strike against my bloodthirsty lifestyle and spin clothes for my wife.

This oath may prove to be a bit difficult with my daughters screaming for vengeance as they encounter these harmless creatures in the house, but I'm determined to show I don't have to be mass murderer to please my children. In fact, I will also benefit from my pacifist policy by appeasing Asnar-Amash the moth creature also known as one of the ANCIENT AND UNSPEAKABLE ONES who will return before the oncoming GLOBAL SUPER APOCALYPSE (also known to Christians as the Second Comming). 

Nothing like hitting two moths with one swing of the swatter.

The Other Prodigal

Some of you may remember a wonderfully insightful talk by Elder Holland entitled The Other Prodigal. It focuses on the second son who stayed home and was seemingly faithful, but needed just as much help as his wayward brother. I was recently reminded of my favorite scene in the movie Jesus of Nazareth where the filmmaker chose to show Jesus relating this parable as a message to Peter who is upset about Jesus taking Matthew (a despised Publican or tax collector) as His disciple. Very interesting to watch in the context of Elder Holland's talk.



Here is a link to Elder Holland's talk where I would encourage you to watch, listen or read.

http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2002/04/the-other-prodigal?lang=eng

Hopefully I can do better at accepting others as I would want to be accepted by Jesus. Happy Saturday to you all.

Runner's High - Be in the Right Place

Today I discovered a set back that would cost me hundreds of dollars. Naturally I was quite upset. Since the kids were all gone and the wife abandoned me, I decided it would be best to go for a run, rather than mope around the house.

Because I'm morbidly obese and pathetic at running, I would need extra motivation to keep a steady rythm and pace. So I busted out the Paul Okenfold station on Pandora with my iphone and took off. It really did help, but around mile four I started to feel spacey, probably due to the trance music. I imagined penguins singing the lyrics I heard. I started to wonder if the sun really went behind a cloud or if I was having a blood-sugar induced spat of color blindness? I could feel my hands tingling and my pulse in the fingertips. Overlooking the Walnut Hills Elementary playground from the trial, I wondered if I was about to pull a Jonathan Kent and inspire my son to simply go "north" and build a crystal palace. But I pressed on, aided by remixes of Sarah McLaughlin. I was on the runner's high.

A bit later as I passed Walnut Hills park, I saw about 300 yards in front of me a young mother pushing a stroller while guiding a toddler on a bike with training wheels. At the end of this trail is a short but steep incline. At this point I'm near the end of mile six and nearly spent. The party in front of me starts the ascent and the kid can't peddle up the incline. The mother reaches over to stabilize her, but starts to lose control of the stroller. She eventually gets stuck trying to keep the stroller from tipping the baby over and holding the bike in place. I'm 100 yards away. So close, but not quite there to help.

I'd try to yell that I'll help, but I can barely breathe.

I can't run any faster to help. I push on hoping to get there in time.

Just as I'm about 10 feet away, she somehow rights the stroller and the kid makes it up the hill. We ascend at the same time and I stop and choke out: "I'm sorry I couldn't catch up to help you."

She smiles, looks flustered but says its OK and I run on in the other direction. And then this impression hits me like a wave in my chest.

If had had been just a little faster during my run, I could have helped her. Its not for lack of trying during the run, but I realized that my lifestyle was the real reason I was not able to be in the right place at the right time. Years of working to much, eating garbage to fuel late nights, lack of exercise and simple apathy had done this.

But I didn't feel guilty, just humbled. Like the Lord had put his hand on my shoulder and pointed something out to me as a friend. I decided I should slow down, walk home and think about this experience. I'd like to share some of the thoughts I had doing so.

• In the race of life everything factors into the spiritual pace I keep. It also affects my limits regardless of how hard I may try at any given moment. I can't use Priesthood power like flipping a light switch or trying really hard to be good in spurts. Real power comes from life consistency or having constant integrity. 
• The ability to help others is not so much dependent on speed, but more on pace. I was running a pathetic 10 minute mile, but if I am steady, the Lord can count on me to help when he places people on my path. Of course Pres. Monson spiritually runs a 1 minute mile, so he can make it to 20 people (or more) any given day - and remember it!   
• During that run, it would have been easy to stop, rest or try to find a short cut home. I OFTEN wanted to do so. But if I yield to temptation, I'm no longer able to help anyone. In fact, I'll need a friend to stop me, encourage me, and point me back on the right direction. They may even have to walk with me for a while to get me going again. Once I'm going the right direction, I can now help others who are struggling or have turned around looking for a short cut or easier path. 
• But its hard to stop someone going the other way isn't it? Life isn't much different from running on the trail. The idea of stopping a stranger on a trail and telling them to go the other direction seems ludicrous. It takes significant faith to speak up, testify and be willing to sacrifice our own time to make a difference.
• Succor. Most people correctly think of this as relief, help or assistance. The Latin root is "Succurrere" meaning:  to go beneath, run to help. Christ often works through us to accomplish his work, some might argue its the only way He does it. I used to think Succor was Him running to help me when I was turned around or crawling on the road of life. But today I realized in no uncertain terms that he runs to other people through you and me... today I got a powerful reminder of how important it is to be in the right place at the right time.
• Where Art Thou? I used to wonder, why God asked Adam hiding in the bushes "where art thou?" If he is omniscient, he already knows, so why ask? It was to put the question in Adam's mind - Where am I? I'm listening to snakes and beautiful women but not God. I need to set this straight. - And so I got the reminder today too. Where am I? Going in the right direction? What kind of pace am I keeping? Am I really able to succor others by being in the right place? Like Adam, I felt a new resolve to be better and promise the Lord that I would be.  

Sometimes spiritual impressions can come when you least expect them. I've often got a lot of negativity in my head and for a few minutes walking home the warm sunshine, cool breeze and canvass of pink, purple, green and white was an absolute beauty to behold. The best runner's high I've ever experienced and I'm still feeling it!    

My Spousal Abandonment Poem

Once again the PCG has left the PMM for the weekend. Only poetry can express my deepest feelings. Now receive my emotional nudity:

Days of agony, so distraught, grieving with true pain,

Have to clean the house and I'm screaming your name.

I hate how time passes, not one comforting word,

Like a sheep among ruthless kids, I feel lost in the heard.

Before your cruel departure, wished I'd said goodbye,

Maybe then I could let go of the moment that you made me cry.

My dearest demanding Boss, our children look like you,

They are exquisite with beauty, deep eyes shades of blue.

I love you my Boss, my mentor, best friend,

Missing you more as each of these four days slowly ends.

I think of you fondly and wish to talk with you here,

Wondering how the food will be cooked without you anywhere near.

Yes, I'm still lost, Boss I loved you so much,

Hours have gone by, still remembering that touch.

You taught me to laugh, held me when I cried,

Told me not to be scared of the day that you flyed.

You hid all my secrets, to you I'd confide,

You were everything to me, Boss, why'd you shun my hide?

The clowns were gone, I thought you were free,

Why'd vacation take you from me, you're the reason I breathed.

I hate every Friday the 13th, 'cause that's when you left,

That was the day that once again...you left.

The doctor had told me this feeling would pass,

He said the weekend will go on and this pain wouldn't last.

The more that time passes, the more agony that I feel,

The more I miss your cleaning, and wish you were here.

I love you my boss, my mentor, best friend,

Wishing this blasted weekend will come to an end.

Me watching the van drive away...

The PCG vs. PMM

PCG - Primary Care Giver
PMM - Primary Money Maker

In the battle for the MVP of the household many men or PMMs would like to think that bringing the bacon home makes them king. And perhaps at some worldly, cannibalistic bottom line level it is. However the other 90% is all about the PGC. If they go down, you are in APOCALYPTIC TROUBLE.

For example, the Boss recently took a nasty spill down the stairs (NO... I did not beat her) and tore some ligaments in her ankle. Now she is all but incapacitated and I as the lowly PMM am now trying to become the ultimate combo known as the PMCMG or Primary Money Care Maker Giver. A very selfless role. Strike against me. In some circles, these people are referred to as single parents. Needless to say after 24 hours I've been discredited as a PMCMG hopeful and will just have to make due until the foot is healed.

So to all of you PMMs out there who think you are awesome and full of swag, get over it. All you do is make temporal money that won't add up to a hill of beans after this life. I reduce you to the human ATM that you are. The real work is done by the PCGs - and may they ever stay healthy.

Courageous

Yesterday was another stirring session of Priesthood at General Conference and I came away with a greater determination to do right by my family and the Lord. After this session I was also reminded of the movie Courageous, which I saw a few weeks ago on a recommendation. I knew the movie was produced by people not of my faith or denomination, but the theme of being a courageous father does not know denominational or even religious bounds, so I gave it a try and really enjoyed it.

You have to go into it knowing you will get a sermon, but its done in a reasonable manner and if anything I really appreciated seeing such a strong message about being a good husband and father from people outside of my faith. Here is a clip from the end of the movie that sums it all up, but I still recommend it for a Sunday afternoon.



Of course, I would invite you to also check our messages from the Priesthood session which all hit on the same theme of service and duty to your family and other over and over again. Here is a link to Elder Bednar's talk which in the context of his father's story is appropriate with the Courageous clip.

http://www.lds.org/general-conference/watch/2012/04?lang=eng&vid=1540777249001&cid=3

To Obey or Not to Obey?

During my time in Boston or in other large cities, I would notice this sticker or image all around town.

For years I figured it was just some symbol for a nationwide gang that loved Andre the Giant and secretly adored the Princess Bride. But during a trip to the ICA in Boston I discovered the truth that I was just a part of a grand experiment. I almost wanted to unplug myself like NEO and puke, but I held it all back. Here is an article about the artist and the meaning of OBEY (with a few of my comments inserted).

MANIFESTO:A Social And Psychological Explanation

The OBEY sticker campaign can be explained as an experiment in Phenomenology. Heidegger describes Phenomenology as “the process of letting things manifest themselves.” Phenomenology attempts to enable people to see clearly something that is right before their eyes but obscured; things that are so taken for granted that they are muted by abstract observation (I think I just got 10x smarter for posting this on my blog).

The FIRST AIM OF PHENOMENOLOGY is to reawaken a sense of wonder about one’s environment. The OBEY sticker attempts to stimulate curiosity and bring people to question both the sticker and their relationship with their surroundings. Because people are not used to seeing advertisements or propaganda for which the product or motive is not obvious, frequent and novel encounters with the sticker provoke thought and possible frustration, nevertheless revitalizing the viewer’s perception and attention to detail. The sticker has no meaning but exists only to cause people to react, to contemplate and search for meaning in the sticker (Don't flatter yourself. Most of us were not up all night thinking about it). Because OBEY has no actual meaning, the various reactions and interpretations of those who view it reflect their personality and the nature of their sensibilities.

Many people who are familiar with the sticker find the image itself amusing, recognizing it as nonsensical, and are able to derive straightforward visual pleasure without burdening themselves with an explanation (YES! That was me. I'm one of the smart people). The PARANOID OR CONSERVATIVE VIEWER however may be confused by the sticker’s persistent presence and condemn it as an underground cult with subversive intentions (Aw shoot, that was me after all). Many stickers have been peeled down by people who were annoyed by them, considering them an eye sore and an act of petty vandalism, which is ironic considering the number of commercial graphic images everyone in American society is assaulted with daily.

Another phenomenon the sticker has brought to light is the trendy and CONSPICUOUSLY CONSUMPTIVE nature of many members of society. For those who have been surrounded by the sticker, its familiarity and cultural resonance is comforting and owning a sticker provides a souvenir or keepsake, a memento. People have often demanded the sticker merely because they have seen it everywhere and possessing a sticker provides a sense of belonging (and now my horcrux is that much cooler). The Giant sticker seems mostly to be embraced by those who are (or at least want to seem to be) rebellious. Even though these people may not know the meaning of the sticker, they enjoy its slightly disruptive underground quality and wish to contribute to the furthering of its humorous and absurd presence, which seems to somehow be antiestablishment/societal convention (KILL WHITIEEEEE!!!). Giant stickers are both embraced and rejected, the reason behind which, upon examination reflects the psyche of the viewer. Whether the reaction is positive or negative, the stickers existence is worthy as long as it causes people to consider the details and meanings of their surroundings. In the name of fun and observation.

—Shepard Fairey, 1990 

Little do you know that this smug artist treating you like a lab rat is secretly working for the Illuminati and Barry Obama - Their sacred mouthpiece. Would it shock you to know that Mr. Fairey also painted the famous Obama "Hope" poster?

Yes, that was great and inspirational, but this is what the NWO or Illuminati wanted you to think. But this is what they really intend:

Yes, we've been conditioned to see the giant and think of obedience, but we are all being conditioned to obey the real mouthpiece and all words that proceed from his mouth. People like to joke that one day Obama's photo will be on a food stamp. But the sad truth is this will be the currency after he and his overlords have their way with us:

If I am dead next week, just remember I gave you the straight dope. If you can break into Obama's compound beneath DIA, take him out but don't forget to kill the clone of Steve Jobs down there too. HOPEfully you will survive the impending Illuminati induced apocalypse and thwart the currency of obedience.

Children's Death Orgy --- AKA The Hunger Games

Most of you know I'm a fan of Utopian and Distopian novels. I read the Hunger Games in about three days and loved it. However, I was disturbed by the level of violence in a "young adult" book and pronounced "They'll never be able to make that into a movie."

On my Honor... Too bad in this world she would have to sell  cookies for validation.

First off, I'd like to say that I did not have my Nostra-Fletch-a-Damus hat on when I made that prediction. 

Secondly, never underestimate Hollywood when there is a buck to be made. Consider for a moment if this movie could have pulled a PG-13 rating in the 80s in the wake of Arnold's The Running Man. Sure that movie had a ton of profanity, but take that away and its effectively the same plot/violence. 

I'm not hating though. It was nice to revisit the story without Bella constantly whining in my head. The special effects were well done and the girl playing Katniss was spot on with how I imagined her. I was expecting a more burly Peeta but whatever. And the boy named Gale was fortunately minimized so the Twilight factor was almost nil. Ultimately, my hat goes off to Lenny Kravits who was great as Cinnna and really made the emotion of the book come alive. Knowing his ultimate fate makes you appreciate what he does in the first two books a little more and to see it on the big screen was great.  

Like the Harry Potter films, I think the one thing movies struggle to convey is just how sad, bleak and alone the protagonist feels. Perhaps I'm too much of a happy-go-lucky viewer, but you just don't get the sense of how horrible life is for these people in the movie compared to the book.         

Finally, I'm sad I didn't think of a smack down between the Hunger Games and The Running Man sooner, but now I don't have to write it because you can check it out here. http://www.moviesmackdown.com/2012/03/hunger-games-vs-running-man.html

 

Of course as a child of the 80s and just on sheer principle, I disagree with the reviewer and say The Running man was the superior film. The HGs has too much of a Twilight connection to topple Arnold as the greatest distopian death match of all times. 

Mile High Rejoicing

I think the following sums up how I'm feeling after picking up Manning.

 ***DISCLAIMER*** I know I said in some circles that I would wear a chicken suit to church if this happened. However, I will not wear a chicken suit to church. Why? That promise was clearly more of the usual hypothetical garbage that comes out of my mouth that I can't be held accountable for, much like a politician or wall-street executive because I am above the law... Now that we have the Football Cyborg. Besides, my family is distracting enough with our consistent clearing of the dug-out in middle of Sacrament Meeting. - Yep, that's right. yesterday CoCo bonked her face on the pew, I hand her to the Boss for removal to the foyer and the entire clan follows her out. Not one question or even a glace my way for approval. SHOOM. We went from 6 warm bodies to 1 in less than 30 seconds. Only I remained as the cool, confident and overweight manager too lazy to fight.

Bring on the hardware! #7 has saved us once again. This still doesn't make up for him marrying a Raider cheerleader though.

Manning and his Mile High Destiny

Yesterday on sports talk radio there was a collective frenzy over Peyton Manning making a surprising visit to Denver. My inner-child who is afraid of having his Broncos heart crushed refused to buy into the hype... Until Jake gave me a call.

Now I'm completely lathered up over the prospect of a becoming a PM new Dawn fan. [I'm going to assume most of you completely miss that reference, but whatever].

For starters, Denver was not supposed to be high up on the list of suitors for the football cyborg's services. Most  project him going to a warm weather or dome market such as Miami or Arizona. While Colorado has a change of seasons, our weather is generally favorable. Winter here is like winter done right for most east coast and central cities with more humidity and less sunshine. For example, yesterday when PM came to visit on March 9 (winter) it was 65 and sunny. A Chamber of Commerce Utopia of Milgh High Magic. This video would sum up PM's feelings upon landing:

Now that the right feeling abounds, let's talk some positives for the Broncos:

• We have a ton of cap space to bring in PM and let him do the LeBron and bring some of his buddies. 
• Elway understands being a legend and knows how to cater to this guy. And no one will question PM as an Elway successor. Elway shadow problem finally solved. 
• Peyton won with a Defensive minded coach that let him be the O-coordinator and run things his way.
• That means total control of the offense. Heck, we completely re-did everything last year for Tebow, why not PM?
• Two great pass rushers to torment teams while you play from ahead?  - Doom and Gloom baby!
• Demerius Thomas is a beast that would become a star with PM. Erick Decker would be the new Austin Collie and I think its safe to say a good free agent would be willing to come play here. 
• Todd Helton and PM are tight. Never underestimate the power of friendship. 
• PM wants to stay in the AFC. Why not play in the worst conference with the best chance of winning?
• Outside of a few cold games the weather here is not that bad. Plus, PM can dispel the slight on him that he is only good in a dome. 
• An elite defense helps, but its all about power offenses to win Championships these days. We can give Peyton total control to do what he wants to win ASAP. Glory for him and glory for Orange Sunsets.
• The next great tight-end? We don't need Dallas Clark, we already have Tim Tebow! - thank you Jake.
• Or if Tebow declines, we trade him and end Tebow Time. 
• The end of Tebow Mania
• The end of fans making excuses for Tebow
• The end of endless talk radio about Tebow
• Me typing less of the word Tebow
• No one caring if I type the word Tebow

Governor Tarkin would say: "The last remnants of the Old Mc Daniels era have been swept away. Love for Peyton Manning will keep the fans in line." 

I want to hear about PM and all of the receivers and the O-line living at Dove Valley and getting so dialed in that they start finishing other's sentences and burning incense in football shaped meditation circles that last 24 hours. It will be glorious when we add more Lombardi Trophies to the collection. 

OK. I'm going to go take a cold shower now. 

Mitt Rocks the Warrior's Gym

On the spur of the moment this evening I decided to attend a rally for Mitt "The Warrior" Romney. I generally do not talk politics on this blog but since I want an authentic Horcrux, I will record this event.

I'll start by saying its amazingly easy to put yourself in a position to kill a presidential candidate. I marched right into the gym of Arapahoe High School with no strip search and no questions asked. I was within 30 feet of Warrior Romney showing up just moments before he came on stage. Time travelers from the future take note.

But since I didn't care to shoot him, I listened and clapped, and even (GASP) screamed.

I have a hard time at these events. Mormons are trained to NEVER - EVER --- interrupt a speech with shouting or cheering. And we never, never, never clap after someone is done talking. Can you imagine people flipping out in General Conference? ... We will endure and keep the commandments .... WOOOOO!!!!! MONSON, MONSON, MONSON!!!

However this is the norm with political speeches. Unfortunately, Mitt's upbrining would not allow all of the rowdy fans to keep chanting "ROMNEY, ROMNEY, ROMNEY." At least he has a problem basking in the adulation of teeming masses large enough to fill a high school gym.

Mitt came prepared for us Coloradans and recited verses from America the Beautiful and pointed out it was written by a woman from Massachusetts on top of Pike's Peak. We are now bound to Warrior Romney forever this great state.

Some politician spoke about a story I've not heard about Mitt. Read the following: http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2007/dec/28/mitt-romney/romney-did-help-save-teen/ 

Apparently Mitt is in the habit of going to the rescue. The speech was good, people cheered and everyone left lathered up, ready to do battle at the caucuses tomorrow. And yes, I can now tell my great grandchildren from my deathbed 150 years from now that I was there. And here is the video to prove it.



I broke some of my internal rules with this video see if you can spot the six people I know in this clip. And no, I don't know the scary looking lady.

Chronicle - THE MOVIE

PREPARE YOURSELF FOR SPOILERS OR LEAVE THIS PATHETIC PLACE NOW. 

*************

OK. This movie was SICK. Blair Witch meets Heroes without all of the season 2 garbage. Three teens discover telekinetic superpowers from Superman's spaceship which they found inside a hole in the earth outside a sweet high school rave party. Are you dialed in yet?

Seriously, the documentary style really sucks you into the story so that by the time the action comes, you are totally invested in the superpowers as real. And for once, a movie was not afraid to make the politically correct victim become the bad guy or THE APEX PREDATOR.

I'm actually putting that as a huge plaque over Gator's bed

Yep. Go see this movie it rocks - especially the flight sequences. And no, there will not be a sequel unless too much money is involved and in that case, there will be a sequel. Regardless the ending was great. Apparently good movies are released this time of the year after all...

Suber Bowl XLVI & The Shiz

For you Mormon readers, here is some allegory on what happened in the Superbowl and a look into THE FUTURE. Brought to you by Nostra-Fletch-a-Damus!!!

Back in the day there was a dude known as  Coriantumr. This guy was tough. No matter how many times he went to battle or nearly bled to death, he always found a way to win... 
Until one day, some dude named Lib had enough of  Coriantumr  winning. Through a secret combination known as nepotism, he obtained the kingdom and fought  Coriantumr. They had battles but Coriantumr always got the best of Lib. Until one day, Lib died trying to beat Coriantumr. And the people were sad. 
But the brother of Lib rose up and began to layeth the smack down on Coriantumr. The brother was such a haas that a cry went up throughout the land: "Who can stand before the Army of Shiz? Behold, he sweepeth the earth before him!" 
The fighting continued, the bodies piled up and the smell was tremendously troubling. Eventually millions are assembled for mortal combat, women and children armed to the teeth and disemboweling each other. Finally after nearly every is chopped to pieces, Coriantumr slays Shiz by chopping his head off. Famously, Shiz tries to fight even after decapitation by raising up on his hands and gasping for breath. The end. 

So what does this have to do with SBXLVI???
Coriantumr - Tom Brady
Lib - Peyton Manning
Shiz - Eli Manning


Yes, Peyton was a mighty warrior, but could never defeat Brady. But once his brother got hold of a proper army, he rose up and became: 

THE SHIZ

OK Paul Harvey, now I'll give you the rest of the story. We can once again use the Book of Mormon to predict future American Football events as it is uniquely qualified to do so. 

The people of New England will become so incensed over the loss of Brady at the hands of Shiz they will assemble for mortal combat with the people of New York. Sounds crazy? Listen to Brady's wife:

"While making her way toward the elevator, Giants fans were harassing the supermodel, yelling that "Eli rules, Eli owns your husband." and she responded to her entourage. "You [need] to catch the ball when you're supposed to catch the ball. My husband cannot [expletive] throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time" 

It will be blood for blood as angry east coast women and children kill each other to prove which quarterback the love the most. After Brady kills Shiz thanks to good looks, charm and inability to bleed to death, aliens will come to the east coast from outerspace and Brady will teach them "The Patriot Way." 

And that's how Josh McDaniels will become the supreme puppet ruler of the earth for invading aliens that take advantage of us after the battle of Brady and Shiz. 

Signature Moves

This evening as I claimed my supper, I realized that my wife truly knows how to shake things up at the dinner table. Outside of her signature rotisserie chicken and salad combo, I never know what to expect. Open face Blue Cheese burgers with water cress or straight faced Lentil Soup.  Prior to marriage, I used to wonder why they have all of those recipes at the back of magazines. Now I know it was all for her. And then I realized her signature move in the kitchen is not chicken and salad, its the back end of Real Simple.

"What I say is true - anyone can cook... but only the fearless can be great." - Chef Gusteau

Nearly everyone has a signature dish. My Mother had classics like Chicken Artichoke Casserole and Red Enchiladas, Dad had Cheese Souffle and I have cold cereal in an over sized bowl. I'd be happy to hear some of your favorites.

On a similar vein, should everyone have a signature scent? Until two months ago, the Boss thought all perfume smelled like grannies. But now I'm told she needs to establish her "signature scent." I don't know what it was called, but my mom definitely had one. My Dad had Lectric Shave and I have Swagger.

Baby don't change. Your signature move is to keeps it fresh by always mixing things up.

And yes, my signature move in Basketball is the ugly shot.

This House is Now Clear

Recently, I was informed of the following warning that pops up when my blog is visited:

The warning was due to my usage of Soundboard where I had compiled some favorite quotes. Since I can no longer use this portion of the internet as a mindless slave offering perfect execution of funny quotes on demand, I will now have to offer my personal services. Call my cell phone anytime you want to hear:

"ITS DIVISION 1 FOOTBALL!!!"

or

"They don't think I know a butt-load of crap about the Gospel but I DO."

So, until the Singularity occurs, these services will be yours free of charge.

Food Club for Women

This evening I got a steaming hot plate of cockamamia from the Boss. As her "colleagues" showed up for their monthly venture of tasting Denver, I was informed tonight's outing was not the usual visit to a new restaurant but a "planning meeting."

Seriously? A not-so-secret yet exclusive club made by women for women to taste food but not in the presence of men.

That just sounds evil. Why not just call it Food Club for Women? That's a non-threatening name us husbands can get behind. All men belong the universal Food Club for Men which has its annual high holidays during Thanksgiving and the Superbowl. Notice on those two holidays, we men get a bizarre, yet wonderful pass to eat as much as we can and not do any cooking or dishes.

So I guess the FCW strikes back at the heart of inequality by making us dudes stay home, clean and watch the children while they "taste" food with no dishes, men or responsibility. 12x per year....

Boycott 3-D Star Wars

When I was a kid, Star Wars wasn't just cool, it was AWESOME. Darth Vader was actually scary and even the Ewoks couldn't ruin Jedi. Life was good. 

Then came the re-release of the trilogy with the "special enhancements." But I was in a time capsule at the time so I did not see these movies on the big screen. Only continued thoughts about the vastness and importance of eternity BARELY kept me from going insane with jealousy within my time capsule. 

Next, I was punched in the face by the Phantom Menace. Then the Clones attacked me, until all I had on my mind was Revenge.

Now I laugh at Chad Vader, George Lucas jokes and kiddie clone wars cartoons. 

DUDE. WHERE'S MY FRANCHISE??

I refuse to let George Lucas have more of my hard earned cash for a technology that is a complete money making scam. Yes, the upcoming release of the saga in 3-D is nothing but a complete ruse to take people's hard earned cash and enrich a man who lost all his creative talent in 1984. This non-sense of Lucas making more and more money off releasing the same movies over and over again HAS GOT TO STOP!!! I WILL NOT SUPPORT IT ANY LONGER. VOTE WITH YOUR WALLETS AND MAKE THAT MAN RETREAT TO SKYWALKER RANCH FOREVER!!!

ok I'm done.

Plastic Cookies?

What comes but once a year and cannot be bought at a store? What non perishable food never lasts longer than 24 hours?

Precious Girl Scout Cookies.

In honor of these saturated wafers of unholy goodness, I now present my top 5 GSC's.

     5. Lemonades - Almost lemon barish, but not quite
     4. Trefoils - I must be getting old...
     3. Samoas - Yes, the name takes me to a tropical place with coconuts rich in fat
     2. Tagalongs - Cookie, chocolate and peanut butter. Almost as much of a winner as Star Wars in 77.
     1. Thin Mints - These will go on a future list of foods I am convinced are laced with Heroin.

At nearly 63% saturated fat, these babies could survive in my apocalyptic nightmare cannibal gang survival kit for nearly 20 years.  And who says plastics foods are bad? Even the cannibal gang members will be eating them before they eat me.

Genesis and Execution

At the beginning of this season I had some mild hopes for the Broncos. So I decided to organize a small gathering to watch the game. I knew they were not a good team, but I was excited for the return of football and had my hopes crushed by the Raiders. I vowed to never host another game the rest of the season. So at the end of the season, I thought I could dodge my oath by getting someone else to host the game. But once again, my team gets pasted when two or more are gathered in their name.

Here is a clip from the game in case you missed it. You need to watch to the end for the full effect of what happened tonight.

Let's face it. Everybody hates the Patriots almost as much as Ivan Drago and his supermodel wife and the jerk pulling his strings.

"THROW THE TOWEL! THROW THE DAMN TOWEL!!" John Fox should have got out the lacy-pink panties hidden in his sock midway into the 3rd quarter and thrown them on the field and forfeited the game. But NOOOOooooooo. We had to sit through to the bitter end because the fourth quarter is "Tebow Time." Apparently when the other team is prepared and uninjured, the Broncos are one of the worst teams in football... lying on the floor bloody and dead.

At first I wanted to wash my mouth out with Listerine. Next the Boss asks me to make a run to Walgreens. While in the store I considered purchasing an enema kit.

If it dies, it dies. I was entertained and now its time to face reality. I'm never organizing another Broncos event as long as I live.

Artsy Fartsy Critic Time

To some of you, the movies I watch are dreadful. Well, its more like all of you. So whether you are planning to "Neanderthal" someone or just waste your time watching lame or high-brow cinema, here are some notes on a few films I've seen in recent memory.

Quick observation before we get started. If reviews of a film focus more on the director than the plot or the actors, you know you are watching an "artsy-fartsy" film.

Certified Copy - This flick was made by Abbas Kiarostami (some Iranian dude) staring Ms. Binoche (the original not the copy = Julia Ormond / if you watch this movie only then will you get this pathetic joke) and some British dude. Its an art-house film so naturally its difficult to explain and fascinating to watch people talk for 90 minutes with no apparent resolution. I'd prefer you go into it cold so it messes with your head. Of course I loved it and highly recommend it.

Another Earth - [Note to Self: Gravity does not matter] Don't let the title trick you into thinking this is a sci-fi film. Its all about loneliness, regret, and the possibility of who you could be. This won the Sundance film festival so I naturally wanted to watch it just because it won. I like winners. I also liked this movie. Maybe not the best ever, but interesting and the saw musical sequence was brilliant. You will also notice that Ethan from Lost can't seem to act without being asked to strangle someone. Typecast for life. Nine thumbs up - thank you Homer.  

Warrior - So this isn't high-brow, its the antithesis... HUMAN COCK FIGHTING!!! If you liked Rocky, this MMA fest should be up your alley and make you want to work out in chains with dogs and death metal... or Bach? I actually found it to be a well made movie and could hardly breathe during the last 10 minutes. A fantastic way to waste time while watching people beat each other to a bloody pulp. SDMA Mad Dog should be ashamed if he has not seen this already. I want him to do color commentary on the sequel. Or just record himself commenting on this movie. I'll play it back while watching and pay him $5.00 for his efforts. He can then re-sell it on E-bay 10,000 times for a hefty profit, providing he doesn't get flamed out.

The Tree of Life - Many critics have this as their top movie of 2011. It is non-linear. The plot is almost non-existent. There are multiple scenes of outer-space and dinosaurs mixed in with a family in Texas from the 1950 who suffers the loss of a child. Of course I loved it!! Let me just say this film is intended to be art, not a typical narrative of a story. If you enjoyed Baraka, then this is up your alley. For the LDS crowd, this film has elements of the macro or cosmos and then breaks its meaning down to a family and how grace and nature are at odds with each other. Sound like a movie you have seen over and over again? OK - Its not really the same thing at all, I'm just trying to get you to watch this. If anything the visuals are stunning. If you can go to a museum, look at art and trying to get some meaning from it, then you can do the same thing here.

Soylent Green - I know. I know. I have no life. I watched this after discovering it starred the Great Charleston Heston. This was high-brow or activist propaganda at one time so it belongs in this post. Considering the movie is supposed to take place in 2022, the unintentional comedy was tremendous. Its actually not that bad of a movie if you can laugh with it. The suicide parlor at the end is both touching and humorous. - Yes, I am a sick individual. And of course, I raised my hand at the end and shouted with Moses: SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!!!

Now go dupe someone else into watching these movies.

Miracles or Injuries?

I'm elated over the Broncos win today. I'm keeping my promise to just be entertained by Tebow and ride the gravy train as long as it runs. However, it seems like all of our miracles come against teams fighting with one hand  tied behind their back. Here is the breakdown on the wins with Tebow under center this year:

Week 7 - Dolphins: This was a bizarre pseudo home game for Tebow with the Gators being honored. Home team didn't get the 12th Man.

Week 9 - Raiders: Carson Palmer starts after recent trade and no McFadden who absolutely roasts our D.

Week 9 - Chiefs: Legit and absolutely hideous win with only 2 completed passes. Broncos become a joke around the NFL.

Week 11 - Jets: LT missing, Jet's rushing attack not what it normally would be.

Week 12 - Chargers: I don't recall any major injuries for the Chargers, they just choked against us multiple times. Lucky to get the win. Von Miller is officially a stud.

Week 13 - Vikings: No Adrian Peterson? That guy is a mythical beast.

Week 14 - Bears: No Cutler or Forte (top rusher). It still takes an astonishing beyond all measure sequence of events to win, earning Tebow a SNL spoof.

Week 18 - Steelers: Rothlisberger plays on one leg, top running back down, top tackler missing from defense not to mention half the starting D-line. Tebow has his best game ever. This combo allows for a history making OT win with an incredible play by Demerius Thomas (that draft pick doesn't seem like such a bust anymore...)

All but two wins came against teams with some serious problems. I'm thrilled our .500 team won a playoff game, but don't believe the hype that this team is for real. [unless Divine Will intercedes]

Prediction for next week: Our run defense will continue to get gashed and we still can't cover those TE's. It was great to have so much gravy when the boat seemed empty, but the last meager drops will not drown a hungry NE biscuit.

Top Sports Guy Cartoons

Some of you may know Bill Simmons from ESPN. But you may not know about his quick hit cartoons from the mid 2000s. Enjoy.



I especially loved the dynamite on the leg.



Best comedy on network TV. Bar. None.



Thank goodness the Boss does not watch the Bachelor or any of its sub-incarnations.