The Singularity will be the Antichrist

In my usual fashion around this time of year, I bring you some hard-hitting facts to sober your Christmas extravagances. I recently taught a Second Coming lesson at Church and it got me thinking about the Antichrist. Then it hit me, we love to think about how machines are eventually going to kill us. This is certainly not a new idea, but I began to wonder why we seem obsessed with our creations killing us. But we don't want to kill A.I. we want to create them! So why would they or it try to kill us? Some ideas:

• Makes for a much more interesting movie
• Slaves rising up against their masters - punishment
• We would be a threat and must be eliminated 
• Humans make much better flesh batteries than friends

The list could go on and on. And then it hit me. What if the real reason the Singularity or A.I. wanted to kill us is because the creation of a sentient being is outside God's plan for humanity and is effectively an abomination only to be controlled by the whim of Satan? Behold, your future Antichrist!

Here are some characteristics of the Antichrist. Could an A.I. match up?

• Blaspheme God - Rev 13:6
• An A.I.'s existence could be considered blasphemy as God is the creator
• Claims to be god and is worshiped -  2 Thes 2:3-4
• An A.I. claiming it is more intelligent than all? Easy for the masses to worship this after making obeisance to false idols like money, cars, beauty and power. 
• Will show miraculous powers - 2 Thes 2:9-12
• Could this Singularity cure cancer? Create nano-bots or solve equations previously thought impossible? Would these things be miracles? 
• Comes back to life - Rev 13:12, 14
• People unplug, he somehow comes back (always back up your work!)
• Rules for 42 months - Rev 13:5, 7
• 3 1/2 years of everybody drinking the Kool-aid? Oh yeah!
• Control the economy through his mark - Rev 13:16-17
• Not hard to fathom a requirement for everyone to have something to interact with the Singularity to benefit from it and people would line up for it. 
• Defiles the Temple - Dan 12:11, 21-24
• Not many buildings without computers in them. Setting up computers in the temple that allow this entity in could have horrible consequences. 
• Lead Armageddon - Dan 11:40-41
• Who wouldn't want this A.I. battle planning for a "humane" and efficient way to win? 

Of course, I'm not the only one to think of this. See here for more ideas on this topic.

http://aiantichrist.blogspot.com/

Just remember, I told you this was coming on Christmas Eve-eve. Before the Dark Times. Before the Empire of the Antichrist whom the world will gladly embrace!

Trailer Magic

This was too good to pass up. Perfect example of how George Lucas is his own worst enemy. First is the actual trailer for the next Star Wars. What follows is a fan made mock-up of how George Lucas would have made a "special edition" of the trailer.

 And now the glory!

 

What Women Want

For my son. Good laughs. Watch the clip below to understand what you are up against in the future. Bottom line, you will never be all of the things a woman wants (its impossible) so just be yourself and find someone who can tolerate that.

In case the video dies, here is the text:

Everything you’ve ever wanted to know about what women want.

It’s really quite simple. Take out your pen and papers guys.

“Women want a man who’s ambitious, an achiever, whose successful both professionally and financially…who’s not materialistic.

Women want a man who is solid, steady, consistent and reliable…who’s fun, unpredictable and spontaneous.

Women want a strong-willed, decisive man who takes a stand and doesn’t waver, as long as he’s flexible, open-minded and can admit when he’s wrong

Women want a lot.

Women want a realist who’s romantic. A guy who’s serious but playful, who’s confident but humble.

Women want a man who is career driven but family-oriented.

Women want a man who’s smart but not nerdy…

…caring but not needy…

…affectionate but not clingy…

…protective but not possessive…

…emotional but not neurotic…

…funny but not a clown…

…dominant but not domineering…

…in control but not controlling.

No Problem.”

Easy right?

“Good to know.

So,again,  take notes guys, and remember, all we gotta be is strong but sensitive, tough but tender, masculine but gentle and manly but vulnerable.”

-Brian Scott Mcfadden

Interstellar: Being a Father

Interstellar has easily become my favorite film of 2014. Like Gravity from last year, it seems like a

sci-fi film out to dazzle, but the theme of the movie is something deeper. Gravity did this by showing Dr. Ryan's spiritual rebirth over the course of events. I've now seen Interstellar twice and the theme that resonates and won't leave me alone is fatherhood. 

First off, this is the latest from director/writer Christopher Nolan, known for the Dark Knight Trilogy, Inception and Memento. Some have accused his film-making of being cold; and that's probably fair criticism, until this latest entry. Many note that Nolan can't seem to make a movie without Michael Caine, who is a father/sage figure across the years as Alfred to Batman, Cutter to the feuding magicians, Miles to the dreaming Cobb. Interstellar is Nolan's masterpiece on this recurring theme of father figures but this time its not Caine that does the teaching. Matthew McConaughey gets the role and nails it. 

To appreciate what I'm getting at, we first have to look at how Cooper's masculinity is portrayed. You can't be an effective father if you don't have a grip on who you are. Cooper is described as a man born 40 years too early or late, an explorer, a pioneer. "We used to look up at the sky and wonder at our place in the stars, now we just look down and worry about our place in the dirt." This is a guy who is Wild at Heart (which I shamelessly plug a book all men should read). He embodies many ennobling masculine qualities such as the spirit of adventure, humor, thirst for knowledge, teacher, protector and provider. All of these qualities are ways for fathers to express their love. Cooper is seen doing all of these things in the film and loves his children deeply, enough to leave them in hopes of saving them. 

Another key takeaway for me on Cooper is his vulnerability. He has some classic macho mannerisms, but he opens up to people around him and his kids and puts his heart out there. Some of the most powerful moments in this film are watching him tear up and break down as he watches his children from near and afar. My mother-in-law recently recommended a book to me by Brene Brown on the

power of vulnerability that embodies this message: "Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change." In this film, Cooper's willingness to put his own comfort and his family at risk for a higher reason give him the power to make some innovative and creative changes that will impact not only his children but the whole human family.  As Dr. Mann tells Cooper (roughly) -- your survival instinct will give you that extra drive as you are dying and you see your children. It will give you the power to fight on -- and yes, it made a world of difference in the outcome of this film. 

Some quotes / moments I loved that build the father theme:

"When you become a parent, one thing becomes really clear. And that's that you want to make sure your children feel safe." 

"We've always defined ourselves by the ability to overcome the impossible. And we count these moments. These moments when we dare to aim higher, to break barriers, to reach for the stars, to make the unknown known. We count these moments as our proudest achievements. But we lost all that. Or perhaps we've just forgotten that we are still pioneers." 

"Once you're a parent, you're the ghost of your children's future." 

 "Love is the one thing that transcends time and space."

"[because] “my dad made me a promise.”

An important note is that Cooper does everything in this movie as a widower and for his children. However at the end, there is an interesting message: There is life beyond your children. Your own adventure. And man (and women) should not be alone, but share that adventure together. A wonderful note the film ends on. 

A few final thoughts about the film itself. In my mind, this movie seeks not only to entertain but endure as a work of art. All great movies transcend entertainment and evoke emotions by combining our senses of sight and sound a unique way. This film has flat out awe inspiring and haunting special effects enhanced by a brilliant score featuring the organ, reminiscent of 2001: A Space Odyssey. I'm sure there are plot holes and items that might drive someone nuts about this move. Its also too long around 3 hours and I failed the iron test of bladder strength the second time around. Despite some failings, this movie captures the mystery of the unknown and taps our innate desire to explore and become more than what we are. Most movies are just plain crass marketing efforts, but once in a while, we get a gem and this film is one I will enjoy for years to come. 

Nut Kick Monday | 2014 Motif

Today I got kicked in the nuts. Again. I wish I could say it was a literal kick in the nuts. Pain like that is fleeting and I've retired from procreation. No, the shot I took today was a recurring theme of 2014. A symphony of foot swinging:

• Broncos go to the Superbowl and snap the ball... I'm so psychologically damaged by reopening my childhood trauma that I get Sports E.D. for nearly eight months.  
• Later this year, my eldest needed screws in her knees. Insurance says $5K please. 
• Next Sally blows a tire. The rest "magically" must be replaced.
• Sally then decides to quit steering and have her breaks die.
• Once Sally is feeling better, the next day Trophy Son fractures his femur.
• Giddy people at hospital say they want a down payment... I bend over and stroke a check for $5K. 
• And then the golf ball hail descends on the roof annihilating it. 
• Meanwhile the soul sucking leeches at State Farm in their 3AM Khakis just smile; and drink my fresh warm blood out of a Christmas mug spiced with nutmeg.

Some of you are familiar with Gator's precious fractured femur x-ray with the Lego men in his pocket:

Very sad and painful, but an adorable silver lining.

Here is my x-ray for the year:

Dads don't get a silver lining in the jock.

Insecurity in Denver

Rock Solid Asks:
How do the Broncos improve their running game? I thought they got Clady back? Perhaps they are just better at passing with him in there.

F-Word Opines:

Hard to say. I think this is 50% attitude and 50% lack of running out of true necessity. 

Look at what Tony Stark accomplished in a cave!!! 

The Broncos are stuck in a cave and the Seahawks are their jihadist captors. A few years ago the Broncs were an amazing run blocking o-line for T-bone and I believe 3 of the 5 starters from then are still with us. Its going to take reps and commitment and other stuff the Creek football program would put into an acronym. Peyton and the gang need to get mean. Nasty. But this is probably the one thing that has kept us from winning a Superbowl in recent years. Keep your D off the field and out of trouble and control of the game goes through the roof. Sadly, I never feel comfortable with these Broncos. 

EVER.

Fantasy Reverse Psychology

For once, I visited my fantasy football account after drafting to get rid of the living injury known as RG-III. I started reorganizing looking for players on my bench with stronger points and suddenly wound up with this roster: 

I defy the universe to let me win in fantasy football when I NEVER do. 

Time to get some reverse psychology to work for me...

BYU Football is STILL a Pretender

Like many of you, I was geeked-out by BYU's annihilation of Texas last week. But after watching the Houston game last night on 9/11 with the special helmet decals, BYU is not a playoff contender. I actually quit watching last night in disgust at the start of the 4th quarter. At that point I knew all I needed to know about this season and our chances for real greatness.

You have to put together a dominant, undefeated season like UT, TCU and Boise to get into that conversation. Based on the last 15 years, I don't think they can pull it off and last night proves my point. They should be blowing out teams like that with no let-up. SHOW NO MERCY COUGAR-SAN!!

Plus, BYU simply can't recruit the size/speed needed to really contend with the top programs in the SEC, PAC 12, etc. on a consistent basis. Look at what happened to a dominant UT team once it got into a power conference. Same thing would probably happen to the Cougs.

Some may hate on my comments, but as I quoted yesterday:

Mic drop.

Labor Day Should Celebrate Women in Labor

Most of us know Labor Day was started over a bloody dispute between the government and workers and created to appease unions. Now families enjoy a final day of relaxation at the "end" of the summer and the wearing of white is no longer permitted. We celebrate work by not working.

I'm all for a day off, but this really is stupid. Can we at least take the day off to remember and honor something worth 50% of the economy shutting down? Instead of union disputes and government hand-outs, I say we change the subject of Labor Day to honoring women who have labored to give birth.

We have Memorial Day to remember men who fought and died to give us life and freedom, why not the women who suffered incredible pain and even sometimes death to do the same? The scriptures and doctrine are replete with the symbolism of childbirth and the atonement. Why are we not celebrating this essential and universal moment to the human family? Check these out if you have not thought about it much.

http://beautopotamus.blogspot.com/p/gospel-symbols-in-childbirth-lds.html 

http://bycommonconsent.com/2008/12/23/blood-water-and-spirit/

I'm sure someone will object to changing the holiday on several grounds. I give them below and my answers.

• Many women today have drugs, epidurals or c-sections and don't "really" labor and should not be honored. 
• Really? They are still taking the risks and most still endure significant pain before epidurals or c-sections commence. I dare any of you with this objection to throw it in the face of another woman. I'm sure there would be no sane men raising this objection, just self-righteous women. 
• This seems like Pagan Goddess worship. 
• No, if anything this holiday would be objected on too many Christian references, but I'm sure most other religions and traditions can appreciate women suffering to bear children. 
• How can we celebrate something that is a painful and private situation? 
• We celebrate Jesus sacrificing for us on Easter with a rabbit distributing dyed eggs and chocolates. I think we can still BBQ and say thank you Mom. 
• But we already have Mother's Day!??
• Yes. That is where we remember all the work they do the rest of our lives raising us and loving us. Can we really try to put a limit on our gratitude? We should remember this singular moment. 

Of course, this is just an out-dated BLOG but I'm telling it the way it should be. Some clear day, the true meaning of Labor Day will be well known, celebrated, cherished and honored. I now thank my Mother for her sacrifices for me and my wife for her sacrifices on behalf of our children. I will always remember what you have done and love you for it. 

Circle of Reign - The Dying Lands Chronicle

Welcome back to the book club of one. Full disclosure, the author of this book killed me on my mission so I may be a bit biased, but obviously the publishers and other professionals thought it was good too.

I've been in need of a new fantasy series since finishing the Wheel of Time earlier this year. When I saw that Michael Kramer gave voice to this new series I was all in. He could read the phone book or the Book of Numbers and make it riveting and he does not disappoint. If you are considering this as an audio book, you can't go wrong.

I leave it to publishers and others to give a summary of the plot or synopsis. Check it out here. http://www.amazon.com/Circle-Reign-Dying-Chronicle-Volume/dp/0692246738. The story itself is well crafted and follows a somewhat non-linear pattern that builds anticipation and gives depth to the world Cooper is building. Unlike many books that rely on tons of exposition or build-up before anything significant happens, this book gets right to the action and the tension keeps building. The balance of action and character/story development is well done. The action sequences are very well written and easy to visualize. Cooper does a great job of creating a big-budget movie in your head.

This is not fantasy with Elves and Dwarfs and Magic Users. There are no sets of companions on a quest. So put away all of the LOTR and D&D rip-off concerns aside.

The characters in this book tend to be more black/white than grey which gives the story more of a classic good vs. evil feel. Any why not? Many of the best works of fiction do this. Ultimately life is a struggle between good and evil. Stories that delve into the battle for hearts and souls mean something to all of us. Of course all of the characters have nuisances that make them enjoyable and by the end of the book I felt like I was really getting to know them.

One thing that has me interested in the next book is the magic system or the Illuminatus. Its not spells per se, but more like tapping into power that enhances your will and actions. Of course, this may change as the series progresses, but in my opinion its a refreshing new angle on magic/super powers.

As I mentioned earlier, I got interested in this book due to Michael Kramer and wanting a new series after Wheel of Time. There are some parallels. Light vs. Dark theme, ancient civilizations that fell or were destroyed and the return of evil to end the world. Cooper even seems to champion a book with female characters set to pass the Bechdel test. However, the pacing of this book, its non-linear style and action make this book a pure pleasure to read after plodding through the WOT series.

Are there weaknesses in this book? Not many, but I could have used some more humor. Hard to do when its the end of the world. There are some occasions when it seems to take the good guys way to long to react, but perhaps I missed some things burning through the audio book.

Ultimately this book made me care about the characters and where the story is going. The stakes are high and the battle for Valeria is set to find another gear at the end of this book. Even if you are not a fantasy person, you will enjoy this book. It avoids many of the cheesy tropes that turn people off, but embraces the best of the genre; taking it to places I have not seen before, but am anxious to follow.

Finally on a personal note, any book that has a character named Fletch in it already goes down in my pantheon as one of the greatest books of all time. I was literally laughing out loud so hard that I nearly crashed the car. Thanks for making my day Mr. Cooper.    

Universal Hot Crazy Matrix

Since this blog is for posterity, I now give this video to my son. May it serve you well. I knew a few guys that could have used this out at the ol BYzoo. Mild profanity at the end. My apologies. I cannot be responsible for the content of this blog.



Never dated a Tiffany. But I did marry a hairdresser... Overall, I rate the Boss at the optimal score of 10-5. I think all married guys need to know this ratio when making major financial and life decisions.

Good thing I got out of dating early enough to miss the tranny/unicorn!

Sad to say, I'm probably in the No-Go-Zone for women so don't call me to complain about the content of this blog. Once again, I cannot be responsible for what is posted here.

Mile High Spandex

None of you recall a prior post where I recounted my utter failure on a mountain biking expedition at Lair of the Bear, but here it is if you need reference. http://fletchword.blogspot.com/2010/05/lair-o-bear.html. At that time, I thought the guys wearing spandex to go biking were wierdos. Now thanks to a highly addictive introduction to road biking from SFIL-JV (that's step-father-in-law) I'm hooked... and have my own set of spandex.

When you are blessed to be married to a truly exotic and charming woman for 15 years; on your anniversary she will take you to the bike shop to get your "starter" road bike.

Thanks to SFIL-JV I already had the diaper padded spandex shorts, so tossing in a top and some other accouterments; I was read to break in my Fuji Roubix 1.5 this morning.

Sunshine, fresh cut grass, birds chirping and the churning of C-470, the South Platte and Cherry Creek. It was GLORIOUS. According to Cyclemeter, here is my route and stats:

I passed the Broncos having a scrimmage at Mile High, stopped off for a break at Confluence park and basked in the moment before starting the trek home. To the seasoned cyclist, this probably looks pitiful. I'll own that, but it was my first rodeo and I had a good time. What else could I ask for?

View of REI and Starbucks on the north side of the S. Platte River next to Confluence Park

View of the S. Platte looking northeast

View downtown from Confluence Park

Confluence Park

My resting place. Elitch's is just beyond. 

OK. Here are the pics of me in spandex. These were from the Oceanside trip, but whatever. I don't do selfies in spandex. Can't believe it took me this long to discover road biking, but I'm all in now.

Big Gig 2014 - Fiddler's Green

My first rock concert was at the start of my Freshman year of high school, September 6, 1991. Van Halen. Fiddler's green. I went with one other friend my age on a lark (since we were walking distance to Fiddlers). I was overwhelmed by the rowdiness of the crowd and the stench of beer and cigarette smoke. But through it all, I saw one of the greatest hard rock bands in their prime. I was part of youth culture.

Fast forward 23 years through nearly every major life event a good ol Mormon boy can expect in a quarter century: High School Graduation, Mission, College, Temple Marriage, Birth of First Child, Graduation (like the order?), Move family, New Career, Second Daughter, First House (bad mortgage), Job Change, 2nd New Job, Second House (financial disaster), Loss of Child, Leaving Las Vegas, 3rd Job Venture, Old Home, Trophy Son, Human ATM, Third Daughter, Massive Home Remodel, Midlife Crisis, Finding Joy.

How am I supposed to connect with Youth Culture at the modern-indy rock festival at Fiddler's Green on Saturday July 19 2014? I'm old. beaten down. Wife, kids, church, bills... In the words of Dewy Finn:

Give up, just quit, because in this life, you can't win. Yeah, you can try, but in the end you're just gonna lose, big time, because the world is run by the Man. The Man, oh, you don't know the Man. He's everywhere. In the White House... down the hall... Ms. Mullins, she's the Man. And the Man ruined the ozone, he's burning down the Amazon, and he kidnapped Shamu and put her in a chlorine tank! And there used to be a way to stick it to the Man. It was called rock 'n roll, but guess what, oh no, the Man ruined that, too, with a little thing called MTV! So don't waste your time trying to make anything cool or pure or awesome 'cause the Man is just gonna call you a fat washed up loser and crush your soul. So do yourselves a favor and just GIVE UP!

But never underestimate the power of rock. Even if you have no clue who any of the bands are.

Camera phones replace cigarette lighters. Much better. 

I actually have some familiarity with the sound/genere of music but it was fun to go to a concert where everyone was not threatening each other (unlike my heavy metal concerts of the past). Here are some of the groups that played. I didn't see all of them, but here it is.

Panic! At The Disco, Twenty One Pilots, American Authors, Walk The Moon, MSMR, Brick + Mortar, Bad Suns & Rumours Follow.

My favorites were Walk the Moon and Twenty One Pilots. And let's just say 21 Pilots were off the charts live. Its a 2-man band that is 100% 97 octane the whole show. A bizarre mix of Elton John and Eminem. Here is a clip of them from a different show but you get the idea. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LcK-S0MN6NE

Youth culture restored. I learned that the new trend for front men in Rock Groups is to play drums on the side of the mike and rock the keyboard as well. Just standing there singing and swiveling your hips is no longer good enough for the entertainment saturated youth of Gen Y.

The Boss and I rediscover our Youth

Thanks to Issac and Kristen for making us go. My inner teenager was very happy.

Sports E.D.

Sunday. February 2, 2014.

The snap... safety. I can't even recall the rest of the details.

Halftime. I go upstairs to do dishes.

Screaming (not in a good way).

I don't return.

Game over. Humiliation. Shame. Vomiting.

Can't listen to sports radio or watch ESPN for days afterwards... its all too painful.

Days stretch into weeks.

Week stretch into months.

NBA playoffs come around... can't watch a full game or even a 4th quarter. No hockey, no MLB. Nothing holds my interest. Finals pass and I still can't watch for more than 10 minutes.

WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME? 


Its all become clear. I have sports E.D. Anyone over the age of 20 knows what my acronym stands for. I simply can't get interested or excited by something I used to love. Maybe sports is in one tub and I'm in the other?



I even tried buying a shirt related to my team but I can't put it on. How do I get the passion back?

I honestly have no idea and beyond whining on my last decade lame blog, I don't care.

Perhaps I just need another 50-14 blow out or:

X-Men Days of Future Past & Godzilla

I'm not super current on the summer movie season, but its time to weigh in on two that scored relatively well on the Tomatometer. Let's see...

X-Men Days of Future Past - 92%

How do you keep the never ending stream of super-hero films fresh? We've seen everything and everyone cut-up, punched and blown-up in almost every imaginable scenario. The future success of this film genre lies in finding some soul in the characters... give them a chance to reflect/change their past and see if they could do better if given the opportunity? Although it seems like every X-Men film is a defacto highlight reel of Hugh Jackman growling with 10,000 veins bursting out of his body; the soul of this story was Professor X. About time. I think he's an incredibly interesting character with powers/interests that go beyond simple comic book throw downs. His relationship with Eric (Magneto) has always been grey and complex and it was nice to see it get some more time in the limelight. Not sure this movie goes in my Pantheon, but I hope it sets a tone that others in H-wood will follow. I think the last Bond film (Skyfall) touched on some of these ideas as well. It doesn't make these movies the greatest things ever, but I don't feel like at 15-year old kid chewing on adolescent hormone steak.

GODZILLA - 73%
I went in with low expectations. How many times can we re-hash a big lizard man fighting a gigantic moth conveniently in the middle of a major city to ensure maximum carnage? I liked the story, production values, etc. but I just couldn't get emotionally invested in the humans. I have the same issue with Transformers. The humans just seem pointless to focus on when they are insects on the stage and plot devices. And how the heck do you kill that super-hot French chick in the first 10 minutes? No wonder the French shun us. We all know cities will be leveled and somehow Godzilla will come out as king of the monsters. But like life, its all about the journey, not the destination. While it was cool to look at, it just didn't grip me or really entertain me that well. Pacific Rim on the other hand had the same predictable outcome, but the journey to get there with the fighting, etc. was simply more interesting to watch. At least the humans had a legitimate role to play in the film. I'd say this is a worthy rental sometime, but save your cash in the theater for something more original.

MY RED BADGES OF COURAGE

WARNING! THIS POST CONTAINS SEMI-GRAPHIC MALE NUDITY. LEAVE NOW IF YOU WANT... DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU. 

Paint-balling. An extreme sport that causes a lot of bruises. But its great fun and I finally went this weekend with Paul, Matt and Tom thanks to a generous contribution from the local women's circle.

For the uninitiated like I was, what is this all about? 10-20 minute games where you try to raise a flag or pretend its the Alamo without getting shot... but if you do, you can come back into the game after touching base and get shot some more. Getting shot isn't overly painful, but it hurts enough that you don't want to get hammered by 20 consecutive hits either; so you truly want to take cover and treat it like a "real" gun fight.

Too bad us 4 aging married guys had to get stuck on a team with 20+ people, most of them in high school and no balls to charge up to the front. At the start, we were stoked because we had two guys that looked like they just walked out of a Soldier of Fortune catalog, but they were complete wimps and never got into the fray. Apparently tons of $$$ and gear does not make you a better combatant. We had one tool for a teammate that managed to shoot Matt and Tom. Outside of that, there were two girls that actually had some guts. The rest just hung around the base. I don't get it. You paid money to shoot people and get shot. I guess I now know why armies have leaders that give orders and flog soldiers that don't follow them... cuz it would suck to have your life in their hands. The other team had some sweet guns and knew exactly what they were doing. We got our A$&!'s handed to us. But enough chit chat. You came to see how nasty I got. So here is the aftermath.

Got hit in the arms several times. Leaves a nice gelatinous glob of gook on you. NOT PAINT. What's worse is when you get shot in the mouth. The mask stops the ball from splitting your lip, but you do get stung and the stuff tastes awful. Spent a few minutes spitting it out while returning fire. 

Leave it to me to get shot 2x in the left boob and then have to walk about like I've been lactating. 

There were more welts, but I don't' think you want to see where they landed... 

The Gator was a bit upset about his dad getting shot. "Why'd you do that???"

I should add that Paul got a NASTY welt on his neck. After seeing what happened to him and me, I suggest every dude wear a cup when paint balling. Until next time.

Wheel of Time

Some wind blew and trees rustled and it was not the beginning, but it was a beginning. My nearly six month reading or listening affair with this EPIC fantasy series has come to an end. To give you a sense of how much listening I did in less than six months, check this out:

Nearly 20 total days listening to this series. So here are some highlights:

• Reincarnation / Balance: This book is all about creation as a Wheel that spins and people are reborn into the cycle over countless lives throughout the ages. The pattern the wheel weaves is all about balance and this is most apparent in how the One Power (magic) is used in these books. Women and men balance each other and when they work together achieve the greatest good. Overall, a big nod from Mr. Jordan to Hindu and Buddhist traditions. Of course many other aspects of the books have a Christian point of view (Creator vs. Dark One) but was interesting to see these belief systems reorganized into this world.

• Bechdel Test: Do female characters in the book do anything besides talk/worry about men? To
  understand this, check out: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bechdel_test. Its almost as if this series was created to win the ultimate Bechdel Test award. The WOT universe is largely dominated by powerful female characters and they often have nothing to say about men. This is due to the male channelers of the One Power being corrupted for the last 3,000 years and women have become symbols of power, wisdom and authority. Allegory to how we have often come up with reasons to oppress women in the last 6,000 years? Maybe. Regardless, its interesting to read a series where in a way, things are kinda backwards on gender politics.
• Books 6-10: I'm not the first one to say this, but dang are these difficult to listen to. People say they love how epic and detailed the series is. That's true, but its amazing how little plot moves in 4,100 + pages. I was ok with it due to burning time in the car. If I was up burning the midnight oil reading, I would have likely walked away and I've read about many people who did. Just feels like Jordan was needlessly milking the story with never ending detail about fairly mundane moments. If you are reading and getting tired, just read some summaries and move up to book 11. No shame in my book if you skip them. 
• Twilight (Movie) Ending: Many have complained about a lack of suspense due to no main/major characters dying. Well without giving spoilers, there is an all-out DEATH FEST ala what should have been the real Twilight ending portrayed in the movie. I wish they would have killed a few off earlier, but whatever. 
  
• Sanderson: Took over the last 3 books after Jordan's death in 2007. I was worried it would ruin the series. If anything, he made it better for me. The plot got moving again, no more spankings and I was engaged again. Well done Brandon. 
• Ending: Sanderson said that Jordan wrote the ending. So from that perspective, I see why it abruptly ends. Everyone basically knows what is going to happen, but I wanted some details on what would come of it all... kind of like the scouring of the Shire in the LOTR books (also a flaming shame that didn't make it into the movies). There is so much along the way that doesn't have to be explained, but considering this series reputation for ENDLESS detail on everything, this abrupt ending was very unsatisfying. But I"m willing to concede that they didn't want to overstep the author's ending so I'll let it pass and be grateful it was finished at all. As one commentator said, Elayne taking a bath (very PG) got more time that the aftermath. 
• If you are looking for a way to MAXIMIZE your audible account, good. Just hang in there. 

So where does this leave me? I loved the world created by Jordan, but it really could have been done in half the books and made itself much more adaptable to film and then it could be come a household name. But now that its an effectively unadapatble saga with no author left to negotiate with, it will slowly fade into history without movies or a TV series. It not the end, but will be an ending.

Facepalm Sunday

First of all, this has nothing to do with last minute shopping. Yesterday I took the kids to church and made it to the start of the Sacrament when a struggling CoCo decided to start telling the whole congregation to: "nooooOOOOOO!!! LET ME DOWN! LET ME GO!" So I took her out to the foyer so she could be loud. Many other Sundays I might try to read books, play games, look at paintings, etc. to get her to calm down. But she was on one; running around, turning the lamp and lights on and off, driving the rest of the people nuts. And I didn't have the energy to chase her down. All I could do was put the palm of my hand in my face and groan.

That is Facepalm Sunday. Here is my favorite Captain showing us all how its done.

That was me in the foyer. Then its off to Sunday School. The Gator won't go, starts pitching a fit in the sharing time room. I am a pathetic and horrible parent. Picard shows me the way again with more feeling.

Then a friend commiserates with me in the hallway as I try to figure out a way to handle the situation. 

 Finally, if you can't even get through the third hour...

The Best of the Blood Moons

As you know, I have a strange affinity for the end of the world or TEOTWAWKI. So naturally the BLOOD MOON exhibited in the heavens last night got me searching the internet for signs of the impending Apocalypse. Here are some scary looking graphics that may both enlighten and shock you.

Yep. That's what happened last night. No so scary eh? But what about this? 

Yes. There will be more BLOOD MOONS than what was seen last night. Check this out. 

 You will note that the 2014-15 stuff is the prelude and the second confection in 2032-33 will signal the real end... in step with what I predicted earlier (April 6, 2033).

If you are not sweating bullets yet, taste this!

Don't blame me for the complexity of celestial engineering. According to the website where I found this, here is what the chart means. http://slumz.boxden.com/f610/tetrad-of-blood-moons-2-full-solar-eclipses-and-2-partial-solar-eclipses-all-in-2-years-2058912/

"April 15th will mark the first of 4 blood moons all occurring on Jewish holidays in 2014, and 2015. If you imagine this picture as a timeline of a war between the sun and the moon, where anytime there is a blood moon, the sun wins a battle, and anytime there is a solar eclipse, the moon wins a battle. Very ancient religions view the moon as a source of evil energy, and the sun as a source of positive energy. You can see that there will be a very wild war between the sun and moon coming these next two years, but the sun will prevail and fully eclipse the moon 4 times, while the moon will fail in two of its attempts to eclipse the sun.

Ancient religious texts including the bible, and the old testament, all point towards events like these signalling the end of days and the time of the revelations. We now have videos of animals fleeing Yellowstone, the ring of fire is going crazy with earthquakes, Palestine is requesting to join with the world leadership, Israel is pushing for strikes on Iran.... Overall the level of chaos in this world right now is quite significant.

The sun will win the war with the moon, but surely the damage done throughout this time period will be catastrophic, and I wish all of you the best of luck, and I send love and peace to everyone of you, as I can a$sure you all, even those of you who refuse to believe any of this, that you will be witnessing some truly awe inspiring and mentally damaging global events. Judgement is upon us all and in 12 days, the war begins."

Laugh if you want, but the end is near. I hope you get everything done in the next 19 that you care about. And yes, the Illuminati are to blame for all of this.

Quarter of a Quartet

I don't do much singing outside the ward choir, but last night I participated in musical fireside within a quartet performing "I Love the Lord." Its an arrangement of the hymn most know as "Be Still My Soul", but with the words replaced from the "psalm" of Nephi (see 2NE 4). Its a beautiful song and I hope we did it justice. (As you know, no one would really tell us if we stunk up the joint or blew the key change). Of course, the one time I have a brief solo in church, the words are: "Yet oft I groan, O wretched man am I; my flesh is weak, and I'm encompassed by, a world of sin." I thought I saw a lot of heads nodding in the audience.

I've often been grateful over the years that my mother made me sing in high school choirs (Men's Chorus / Meistersingers) so I could play football. Its been a gift that has lasted well beyond the meat-headed days of my youth and I'll always be grateful she had the courage to be a parent who expected her children to use their talents... even if he still can't read music. The video below is from a performance of this song in General Conference if you want to hear something similar to what we did.  

Mile High Weekend

You almost thought I was going to quit the blog. Well, work has been relatively slow, no reason to quit posting, just have felt like I've got nothing to say lately or all of the joy has been sucked out of my life... until I left the kids and went away with the Boss for a weekend in the Mile High City.

Here is a quick rundown of places we visited/recommendations:

• Root Down: This was the one "must do" thing on our list. I gave an opinion on the real estate a couple of years ago and always wanted to try it out for myself. The food here is all super organic, local and politically correct; not to mention fresh and full of flavor, not a beat down of salt/sugar. Many of the dishes are sharing style so you can get a variety with your date/group. The Boss and I agree this was our favorite dining experience in years. Kinda high brow, but casual enough for anyone to enjoy. If you go, I recommend the following:
• Colorado Lamb Sliders - hands down, I say this is the must try item. Yogurt dipping sauces are fantastic and the sweet potato fries are nice on the side. 
• Carrot & Thai Red Curry Soup 
• Lemon Ricotta Gnocchi
• Bread Pudding
• Snarf's: When we went to Jim Gaffigan's show at the Buell Theater, he said he was going to try this place out. Since I seem to repeat half of what Jim says, I should also eat what the king of all food comedy eats. "You know you're really just eating your feelings... yeah but they're delicious!" Snarf's is a sub sandwich shop based out of Boulder serving toasted subs. So what? The bread is amazing for Colorado. Almost east coast good. If you know what I'm talking about, I'm sure you are already planning to go. If not, then forget everything you just read and get off my opinion diary. We had the Turkey, Swiss & Avocado. Sounds good, but just remember, its all about the bread. Quizno's is going into bankruptcy because this is the kind of toasted sub they should be serving. 
• DAM: I've blogged about our art museum before. Its worth a trip. Just stick to the weird stuff and you'll be fine.  
• Voodoo Donuts: We walked down Colfax met a bunch of charming people and did something I swore 15 years ago that I would never do again... wait 30 minutes in line for flipping donuts. At least when I did that stupid Krispy Kreme line I got to see a huge machine making donuts, get a free donut and see a waterfall of glaze (2 inches high, but whatever). All I got in this line was a bunch of tatted, angry hipsters and a menu too small to read. This place just does a few odd and wildly inappropriate things with above average donuts. Until the stupid line goes away and they get some more locations, stay away. Go to Safeway, get a dozen of your favorite donuts, chop up some bacon and dump a bunch of cold cereal on your quarry and it will be about the same thing. Trust me, look at my gut. I know what I'm talking about. I will now begin accepting knife fight requests from all Portlandiers. Too bad none of those hippie-hipsters has the balls to take me and my Mile High awesomeness on. I shun your donut franchise.  
• Grand Hyatt: Despite what the misleading websites and phone service people tell you: THEY DON'T HAVE SOAKING TUBS. So outside of getting to sleep in for a couple of mornings and watch movies in bed, this place sucked. I ran on their precious track on top of the roof. Wasn't as great as I thought it would be. Maybe the freezing wind was the reason, or that I simply suck at running.
• Syrup: This is a breakfast joint at the bottom of an office tower. Good, but nothing overly special. Go to Snooze instead if you can help it. 
• Pedicures at the Pavilions: No hot water makes for a crappy pedicure. And those ladies were just cruel. I know I've got some nasty toes, but they were digging into the flesh/cuticles like I was a Thanksgiving Turkey. I didn't even get the hot wax bags; I'm never doing this again. 

Outside of the above, we did a bunch of walking around downtown and on 16th Street mall. I love Denver, but let's face it. For someone not in the bar scene, its good but not great. The real joy of Colorado is in its mountains, 300 days of sunshine and great people. Next time we will go skiing and soak in a hot tub while the snow falls sipping hot chocolate and wear huge sweaters. Hopefully that diary post will be forthcoming next year as these weekends away with the Boss are priceless.

GAS STORM

Most new years begin with a bunch of resolutions to get skinny. I'd like mine to not stink so much. About 1 hour ago, my family endured the cataclysmic event which I call GAS STORM.

8:00 - No whiff of gas... Lizard call from slumber party seeking permission to break the iron-clad rule of no sleepovers. "JUST GIVE ME A CHANCE!!!" After a series of NO, she hangs up on me. I return to the Sugar Bowl. 

9:30 - The Boss returns from the final estrogen celebration of her birth-week. The scent of gas within the house remains absent. 

10:27 - Boss walks out the door to pick up the Lizard from the slumber party and is struck in the face by GAS STORM. 

10:31 - Lizard calls, wondering where her ride is. I tell her that GAS STORM IS UPON US. 

10:32 - Boss calls Xcel explaining the scent is formidable outside our house. I can't smell anything on the inside. Paranoid operator (doing her job) tells us to get the children out of the house and not to turn any lights on or off. Garage door may not be closed and the car cannot be started. I get our anxiety plagued daughter out of bed saying we are going to a "surprise" party. She says I am full of hot air. 

10:35 - Since our house is clearly not safe from GAS STORM, we walk two houses over to our neighbors and stay there while the fire trucks are dispatched to investigate. --- It sure is a good thing we hauled our kids out of bed to go next door and wait out the storm that threatened the whole neighborhood.

10:37 - Boss calls Lizard and tells her that thanks to GAS STORM she must stay at the slumber party. Abe Lincoln sheds tears and 12 years of solidarity explode from GAS STORM'S fury.  

10:40 - Despite my enjoyable banter with the neighbors, I become convinced the only reason we are there is my wife assumes I am either the cause of GAS STORM or my neighbor is handy and can keep our family safe since I am incapable of dealing with such a calamity. My sense of self worth erodes by the minute despite my genial mask and dark comments about how nice it would be to die in one's sleep or all together as a family. SERIOUSLY. There are much worse ways to die.   

10:49 - Fire trucks arrive... at the neighbors house, not mine. I guess being handy ensures you are the first to get protection from GAS STORM. 

10:55 - Firemen declare the area safe from the fumes, although they eye me suspiciously...

11:07 - We return to our suspect domicile and the Littles commence flipping out at the 2nd bedtime in less than 4 hours. I may no longer smell the fumes, but the lingering after effects of the storm have just begun. 

SO LET IT BE KNOWN THAT EACH YEAR ON JANUARY 2ND, I SHALL BRING IN THE NEW YEAR BY REMEMBERING GAS STORM. We will have a slumber party on January 2nd and only our family will be invited... or we'll just go to the neighbors.