Rock Bottom - The Broncos & The Road

I don't know that I can waste much more time blogging about the Broncos this season. I watched the Lions game today and while Tebow was bad, the team was terrible. The O-line just got raped. The defensive secondary is pitiful, Champ can't do everything. Its just bad right now. I'm not sure I can articulate how awesomely bad the situation is. But let's try this:

I got a text message from my mother-in-law today after the game: "Sorry for ur loss."

Wow.

This is a woman whom I've know for 12 years. I don't think we've discussed football more than once for more than five minutes. And yet, here she is offering her condolences for the death of my franchise or perhaps my inner-child (she is a shrink).

I've just created a new test for the badness of your team: When the mother-in-law bothers to offer condolences.

I recently listened to The Road, by Cormac McCarthy in the car. This is an incredibly well-written, but terribly depressing tale of a father and small son trying to survive without hope through a post apocalyptic nightmare. Sounds just like me trying to guide my inner Broncos-child through the wasteland that Josh McDaniels left behind. Here are some chilling quotes from the book that fit my situation well.

"He pulled the boy closer. Just remember that the things you put into your head are there forever, he said. You might want to think about that.You forget some things, don't you? Yes. You forget what you want to remember and you remember what you want to forget. 

He walked out into the gray light and stood and he saw for a brief moment the absolute truth of the world. The cold relentless circling of an intestate earth. Darkness implacable. The blind dogs of the sun in their running. The crushing black vacuum of the universe. And somewhere two hunted animals trembling like ground-foxes in their cover. Borrowed time and borrowed world and borrowed eyes with which to sorrow it. 

He walked out into the road and stood. The silence. The salitter drying from the earth. The mudstained shapes of floating cities burned to the waterline. At a crossroads a ground set with dolmen stones where the spoken bones of oracles lay moldering. No sound but the wind. What will you say? A living man spoke these lines? He sharpened a quill with his small penknife to scribe these things in sloe or lampblack? At some reckonable and entabled moment? He is coming to steal my eyes. To seal my mouth with dirt."

Once again, I give the Broncos Tombstone. I originally had in a prior post from 8/14/2009. http://fletchword.blogspot.com/2009/08/impending-doom-with-quotes.html. Yes, my predictions have come to pass and I cannot bear the truth of it.

Podcasts I Enjoy

This marks my 250th post. Amazing to think I've kept this up for nearly 5 years. I'm hoping I can continue to blog once its become totally irrelevant just to show how old I am.

Over the last month, I've done a tremendous amount of car travel for work. Thankfully there are free books on CD from the library, but I've also become a fan of podcasts as a free way to get hours of audio content. Here are some of my favorite shows. Most can be downloaded in mp3 format from their various websites if you don't belong to Steve Job's cult to the portable audio player of your choice.

• HARDCORE HISTORY - Dan Carlin does an amazing job covering tough topics from the past. His storytelling style is great. I'm no expert so I can't comment on how high he rates on an academic scale (he is a lay-historian), but it is wonderfully entertaining. I recommend the Ghosts of the Osfront series.
• The BS Report - I've been a fan of Bill Simmons for years and this podacast can be amazing when he has the right guest. The Michael Eisner and Al Michaels interviews were particularly awesome. His movie reviews with Adam Carolla (especially fast 5) are downright hilarious. Sometimes his shows with cousin Sal about the gambling lines are lame, but overall this podcast hits the spot for sports fans who also enjoy the history of the game and some other non-sports topics.
• Grantland - This is a Bill Simmons spin off website that has a bunch of staff writers. They also do podcasts. My favorite from this group is Chuck Kolsterman. He loves sports but often discusses pop culture topics as well. His latest show on the rise and fall of MTV was very interesting. 
• PTI - You know the show. Its typically on during the day. Its a nice overview of the current stories in sports.
• Slacker & Steve - These guys are an afternoon show here in Denver that also plays some music. They tend to cover a bunch of social etiquette topics and let people air out the problems for public debate. Shows about embarrassing moments are also popular. Can't miss. 
• Judge John Hodgman - Most comedy podcast have explicit content so I was thrilled to find this clean comedy act. Mr. Hodgman hears disputes over trivial things from people over skype and then passes judgement on them. Its Nerdist humour so of course I love it. Check it out below. 

This whole show is great, but I particularly love the snap judgement that occurs at 28 minutes in the podcast. Which do you think is better? 

Movie Musings

Last night I went to go see In Time with a few friends and here are some thoughts from the experience.

• Once again after the previews were done, I had forgotten which movie I was there to see.
• NO MORE MOVIES ABOUT ALIENS WHO ENGAGE IN HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT WITH THE INHABITANTS OF EARTH. I CALL DOWN BLOOD, THUNDER AND VENGEANCE ON ALL THOSE WHO TRESPASS THIS LAW!!!! 
• In Time is essentially a producer thinking... "Gattaca was a great movie. If we could only do a sequel we'd make a ton of money. Nah... how about if we get Andrew Niccol to recreate that story with a different plot? - BINGO." Now you have In Time, another tale of haves and have-nots only this one is poorly conceptualized, executed and is ultimately a terribly flawed movie. 
• If you've read my post on Avatar, you know I despise blatantly political movies... with a left leaning agenda. This one isn't quite on the same level as Avatar, but on a scale of 1-10 for commercial movies (Documentaries are almost entirely a propaganda machine of the left so they don't count) this one is an eight. 
• From within the first five minutes it was clear this movie was planned in conjunction with Occupy Wall Street.
• Rich people are evil
• Poor people are good and victims of evil
• Capitalism is the meat grinder of Satan and we are just chunks of flesh in the cold, cruel gears of a system designed to give a few people really tasty burgers of oppression. 
• Everyone can be equally wealthy. (I actually don't disagree with this ideal, just differ on methods to get there.)
• Are you sick of bullet points yet?
• I did like the equation of time and money. I often think of purchases in terms of how many hours I had to work for them. If only the movie could have honored the gods of economics (who they basically shunned) and mention "opportunity cost."
• Capitalist pigs would make you want to hit on someone's grandmother
• Capitalist pigs wish they could walk up to you, size you by the wrist and suck away all of your money and  kill you so they can be incrementally happier. - Wait, that does sound just about right. 
• Bad haircuts make a bad movie even worse. 
• I'd go on, but I have to go make money for the corporations sucking me dry. I don't have all day to write this. Time is money and I'm making Warren Buffet IMMORTAL. 

Does God Want Tebow to Win?

Yesterday featured one of the most inexplicable comebacks in Broncos history. Down 15-0 with less than 5 minutes to go and somehow we win the game. And let's face it. This was a game we should not have won. When you have like 2 passing yards entering the fourth quarter and a QB rating of -74.3, how on earth can you rally to win? To take a phrase from the Book of Mormon, I am "astonished beyond all measure."

This win is more bitter than sweet for me. Is this guy really the future? Every win like this puts a team like Miami one step closer to "sucking for Luck" than we are. I feel like each win is actually another nail in the coffin for my franchise. It's never been bleaker for a Broncos fan. At this point I can only surmise that yesterday's win was an act of divine providence for the world's greatest human being.

Tebow is getting into Luke Skywalker territory. He is clearly a guy with less talent but seems to overcome the odds. Luke was a whiny, punk kid that had no business walking into the Throne Room and taking down Vader and the Emperor. But thanks to the will of the Force and George Lucas, he won. Tebow had no business going into Miami and winning, but thanks to divine will and the Florida faithful, he was the victor.

If Tebow keeps winning in this fashion, I'll have to say the prayer and hedge my bets with the afterlife (actually, I already did this on my mission). Maybe Agnostic and Atheist sports fans will start to line up to get saved? Perhaps that's the only explanation for what happened yesterday. Or the owner of the Dolphins really is plotting big time to suck for Luck. Or the Dolphins just suck. Take your pick and enjoy the drama.

It Sucks to Suck

Before you assume I'm writing about "Suck for Luck" let me assure you I am not. A few hours ago I realized I had overwritten some work and the real file I wanted had been wiped out of existence. 15 years ago this would have led to a string of profanity bad enough to peel the paint off the walls. This clip sums it up well:

I'm happy to say I did not offend the entire office. However, I did multiple fist and elbow smashes (seriously) while calling myself a frigging idiot (repeatedly) and then slumped back into my chair and lamented, "it sucks to suck."

So I've been sitting here stewing in my juices and realize I only have two options. Either lie here in my ditch of self-imposed misery or fix the problem and live to fight another day. I will choose to fix and fight. Or better said, "I'm fixin to fight."

Now that I've calmed down a bit, I realize the world isn't coming to an end. I'm married to a beautiful and captivating woman that I simply don't deserve. I have four wonderful children who challenge me and bring a fullness to life I couldn't do without. God has not yet smitten me to the grave. Many, many blessings to count.

I just realized that sucking is generally a voluntary action. You have to choose to suck.  You may shoot yourself in the foot or punch yourself in the mouth, but you don't have to get down on the floor and suck up the blood and cry over it. Its better to clean the wound, bind it up, and punch your problems back in the mouth.

No one ever has to suck.

Carpet Fiasco

Last Saturday, I had a gauntlet thrown in my face. I helped a friend with some minor moving items at his new house. He was getting rid of some old carpet and I offered to take it off his hands so I could use it in the basement or garage. After packing the carpet in the car, I called the Boss to ask where she'd prefer we use it. She verbally slapped me through the phone and chastised me for taking the carpet. Specifically, she described taking the carpet as:

EMBARRASSING 

Really? Is taking carpet a red neck, white trash activity? Once again, I don't get the 1,000,000 rules women live by. but I do understand this one. LISTEN TO THE WOMAN. So, I admitted my shame to my friend and returned the carpet. You tell me, was this embarrassing?

Fletcherize

According to some blog, my last name can be turned into a verb to describe a specific ritual of mastication.

fletch·er·ize [flech-uh-rahyz] -verb to chew (food) slowly and thoroughly; prolonged chewing

"This word is an eponym derived from Horace Fletcher, an American food faddist and dietician who lived from 1849 to 1919. From 1895 until his death in 1919, Fletcher campaigned vigorously and passionately about what he believed were the keys to good health. This included:

• Eating only when hungry—never out of boredom, from anxiety or unhappiness
• Thoroughly and deliberately chewing each mouthful until the food turned into liquid (i.e. chewing approximately 32 times per bite)
• Excessive chewing also allowed the food to mix with saliva, which was an important part of the digestive process. Because of this, Fletcher maintained that even liquids needed to be “chewed” properly.

He must have been a pretty good salesman; known as The Great Masticator, Fletcher convinced millions of Americans to abide by his chewing regimen, including Henry James, Mark Twain, Upton Sinclair and John D. Rockerfeller. When Horace Fletcher died in 1919, he died a millionaire, much of that monetary success due to popularity of fletcherism."

DUDE. Apparently this health-crazed thing runs in the family. Stone - you would be proud. 

Now go "Fletcherize" your next meal. 32 bites at a time. Enjoy!

DIA WILL BECOME THE WORLD HEADQUARTERS OF THE ILLUMINATI

I've often related to people that our infamous blue mustang outside DIA actually killed its creator. Usually this comment is met with incredulity. Here are two legit articles discussing the matter.

http://www.thedenverchannel.com/news/9373803/detail.html

http://www.denverpost.com/ci_8234829

Matthew 8:16: "But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established."

If there is one thing people love its a vascular horse

Was this a freak accident or the work of a ruthless, organization bent on world domination to hide their tracks? Here is a link to a an article by The Vigilant Citizen calling DIA a "Sinister Site." This article could very well be one of the most AWESOME things I've ever read on DIA, because I used to think it was a bit boring compared to other airports. Nostra-fletch-a-damus predicts, the next Dan Brown novel will involve DIA. No doubt about it after reading this article. Seriously. Take the time to peruse it:

http://vigilantcitizen.com/sinistersites/sinister-sites-the-denver-international-airport/

But I know the modern Sesame Street attention span, so here are some highlights:

An apocalyptic horse with glowing red eyes welcoming visitors? Check.

Nightmarish murals? Check.

Strange words and symbols embedded in the floor? Check.

Gargoyles sitting in suitcases? Check.

Runways shaped like a Nazi swastika? Check.

The following videos may surprise you, may even shock you. But they must be seen. 

As a personal note, I know someone with the FBI who investigated the corruption at DIA back in the early 90s who lost his job (no joke). I can't help but wonder what happened?

I'll admit, I'm a bit freaked out. But at least DIA is still better than McCarran in Las Vegas! Safe travels to all who visit our fair city. Just know you are a pawn of the elite ruling class of the human race. Once they unleash their genocidal cleansing of the earth all their leaders will congregate here to rebuild their master race. Consider the following from 12 places to go if the world goes to Hell!

"Denver has a few things going for it. In the event of an oil spike, it's got proximity to amazing shale reserves. Even though shale has yet to take really off, a spike will make it an economic necessity. And in the event of a war, it's the most defensible city in the US, due to its geography and mountains.

It's mile-high sea level also makes it an excellent place to go in the event of global warming and rising sea levels. In fact, global warming should help turn surrounding areas into an agricultural breadbasket." (Not to mention our proximity to the mountains and massive amounts of fresh water).

Ah, Denver. Soon you will be the center of the New World Order 

Seriously - The Boss just forbade me from writing any further for fear of reprisals from the Illuminati for giving "publicity" to these facts. Just look at what they did to Stanley Kubrick. I'll probably get this branded on my chest when they kill me:

Hair, Power & Responsibility

Last night the Cougs offense was in trouble. Heaps continued to suck and Bronco looked around in desperation for an answer. Another loss at home to an in-state team would spell disaster. And then he saw it... A full head of hair flowing in the Wasatch Wind. Bronco knew it was time for Reilly Nelson to take the field with the strength of his hair, and the results were magnificent. But what does this have to do with hair?

Remember Samson and his hair? Because of his faith in growing his hair, he could do amazing things for his people like rip lions to shreds, smite thousands with the jawbone of an ass, carry city gates 37.2 miles, snap fresh bowstrings, break ropes, remove looms and finally die after pushing the temple of the pagan god Dagon to the earth killing himself and his enemies.

Such feats of strength and manliness continue today, but they have shifted from whore-obsessed warriors to our most famous field generals: Quarterbacks. When the right hair comes along, unexpected greatness follows. Think of Namath and the Jets, Montana's ideal 80s feathered look, Young's curls of victory and Manning's perfect part. This isn't about the length of hair, but the style and swagger resulting from it. Perhaps the best example in modern times of the power of QB hair is Tom Brady:

3 SB titles, a perfect regular season, all as a 6th round pick. His secret? He truly understands that each time he changes his do, the power of the hair enhances his game. This has nothing to do with actresses, Brazilian supermodels or just being the Golden Boy. This man understand that with great hair comes great power and with great power comes great responsibility.

Reilly, clearly you have been give the power of the hair from the football gods. Use it wisely and lead us to victory.