The Most Magical Place on Earth

"You Don't Build it for yourself. You know what people want and build it for them." - Walt Disney

Trivia Question: What is the secret to surviving a seven-day trip to Disney World, Universal Studios and LEGOLAND in the Florida humidity?

Vaseline and Gold Bond Medicated Powder.

OK. Now I’ll talk about things you might actually want to know regarding our holiday. Let’s review the events as they unfolded. I'll say up front that if you want my actual photos and videos, find me on the next great social network and see if you can get into one of my five upper-level circles of privilege. 

Pre-vacation: The week leading up to vacation is always stressful. In our case, we have a 3 month old Monkey, 2.5 year old Gator, a 10 year old Lizard and a Princess Polar Bear (Burr) who just turned eight. Due to the age of these kids, we packed nearly 300lbs of gear in eight bags. Throw in Halloween on Monday, Birthday festivities on Wednesday and a lay-Baptismal service on Friday night and you have a full-fledged circus. Thanks to the stunning intestinal fortitude of the Boss, each of these events went perfectly. The drama was intense and needless to say I got wide-eyed “I will kill you” glare a few times during the week. I worked at a frantic pace to get my plate cleared so I would not have to work. All of this stress finally manifested just above my face… on Saturday morning I noticed of my receding hairs above forehead had died and turned grey. The stress of preparation for this trip was killer. But it would all be worth it.

Weekend/Travel: Ever heard the expression, “Getting there is half the fun”? In this case it was. We took the bus to the airport so we could reduce our carbon foot print and set an example for the rest of our pagan neighbors that still drive themselves to the airport. Riding the bus with all of the people at the airport is a hoot. I even helped a Chinese lady make change for a $5. When the Boss exclaimed that she forgot the Soy Formula for the baby, a lady who worked at the USO told her to drop by their club on Concourse B and she would hook her up (and who says the dregs of society ride the bus!?). Skycap worked like a charm and we were on our way into the NWO airport. Everyone helping us in security was delightful. The children were marvelous. I was not strip and cavity searched for once. The train ride out to Concourse C was a treat for the kids who screamed with joy as the train sped through the tunnels next to the headquarters for the next world government. I found a perfect waiting spot next to the gate with two escalators that allowed the Gator and Lizard to make continual circles in my presence and avoid boredom. The Boss then appeared glowing with enthusiasm. Her trip to the USO had been an unexpected treat. Not only did they provide our precious CoCo Monkey with much needed formula, but they generously donated several delectable submarine sandwiches, Cool Ranch Doritos™ and cookies. Who says there is no such thing as a free lunch? We were overjoyed and grateful for this bounty. The flight out had some expected fussiness, but no major scandals. We arrived in Orlando and found that our rental van was almost exactly like our Sienna at home and knew it was a good omen for the week. To increase our IQ and good fortune, we stayed at a Holiday Inn Express and savored the hot breakfast and signature warm cinnamon rolls. Later that night the SDMAmadDog Clan arrived with Grammie and we settled into a luxurious 6BR/4BA rental home complete with pool and spa. A relaxing soak in the pool was the perfect way to end the beginning.

Monday – LEGOLAND/Bonus Round at Magic Kingdom: We started Monday with a 45 minute scenic drive over the central Floridian landscape to LEGOLAND. Many of you know this place is for kids 12 and under. Better make that 8 and under. The miniature cities were interesting, rides were great for smaller tikes and the faint of heart. I can’t say I recommend this place unless you have a child that is utterly begging to go. Otherwise, save your time and money for the good stuff. This video sums it up perfectly. http://www.bebo.com/FlashBox.jsp?FlashBoxId=4427978066&

We finished at 5 and still had the shank of the evening, so an older crew of Scrappy, A, The F-word, Ito, Lizard and Condor-man proceeded to the Magic Kingdom. Apparently Monday nights in November are slow. We rolled in an nearly everyone in the park was at the zealously joyous Main Street parade. We seized the opportunity left in the wake of their idleness and did the Haunted Mansion, Pirates of the Caribbean, Thunder Mountain, Splash Mountain, Aladdin, Peter Pan, Space Mountain (2x) and the Motor Raceway all in about 2.5 hours. Heck, during the busy season you might only get one or two rides in. We went home exhausted and content.

Tuesday – Hollywood Studios: We hit all of the usual rides with the kids and had a great time. I’d rank this #2 out of the four Disney Parks with Magic Kingdom at #1 (of course) and Epcot at #3. I didn’t go to Animal Kingdom so out of contempt, I rank it #4. The two best rides in this park are the Tower of Terror and the Aerosmith rollercoaster ride. The Aerosmith ride was a welcome surprise. Think Space Mountain, but 2x faster with loops and corkscrews. Lizard refused to ride at the last second I was forced to enjoy it in solitude. But the Boss and I did make a second run moments later.

Wednesday – Islands of Adventure / Universal Studios:  I must now confess my personal reason for making the trip (family considerations aside) was to visit the Harry Potter’s Wizarding World within the Islands of Adventure Park at Universal Studios. Since so much is in Islands of Adventure, we did not hop over to the older original US theme park. So how did the secret magical world come off? As Ron would say: “BRILLIANT!”

I hate over-hyping things, but this place was SICK. It really felt like I’d stepped into Hogsmeade. This “Island” Has four major attractions. The Castle (Harry Potter’s Forbidden Journey), Buckbeak’s Flight (Fer the yougins) The Tri-Wizard Challenge (two roller coasters named for the Hungarian Horntail and the Chinese Fireball dragons) and simply the scenery of EVERYTHING. I’ve heard other say there is not enough and I must agree. They could do an entire theme park based on Harry Potter and if its anything like this small sampling, it would be stellar. Nothing disappointed me. The line for a Butterbeer was long, but worth it. Its like a mix of a Cream Soda and Root Beer with a creamy sugary foam of goodness on the top that  blesses each sip you take. Needless to say I picked up the souvenir mug so I can pound one at home with nostalgia.  FYI – I prefer the cold Butterbeer over the frozen one, but both are tasty. The main ride (Forbidden Journey) was bar-none the best ride I’ve ever done outside of the Roller Coaster category (that’s a different animal). Its like the Indiana Jones ride at Disney Land on steroids with several IMAX sequences that will blow you away. Its so intense I thought I was going to puke each time I did the ride. That’s saying something for an adrenaline junkie like me. But all of our group (including the kids) survived, so have no fear.  Later that night we dined on the feast for four, with ribs, roast chicken and potatoes, steamed veggies and festive corn on the cob within the Three Broomsticks. It was nearly like eating inside the movie. At this meal, I tried the pumpkin juice. I’ve always thought such a beverage would be hideous, but it was actually quite tasty. Like drinking a pumpkin pie with the tang of apple cider. All of the shops are very well done with tons of lore and items from the books. They are as much fun to explore as the rides. Just waiting in line within the castle was fun. Can you tell my inner child was fulfilled? Without carrying on too much, this is an absolute must see for any Harry Potter fan. I can only hope they tear down the race track behind this attraction and add as much as possible or just open a fully-dedicated park elsewhere. This will still be cool 50 years from now, the same way we still dig all the classic Disney stuff.

The rest of the park was like Disney. 75% shops and restaurants and a few rides. The Spiderman 3-D ride was a lot like the Harry Potter Forbidden Journey and was fantastic. The Hulk roller coaster may be one of the best I’ve ever done. We also got completely soaked on the Jurassic Park river ride. Overall, this was my personal favorite day.

Thursday – Epcot: How do I say this? I just don’t get it. What is the big deal with this place? It comes off as the most expensive, overblown interactive museum on the planet. You are much better off hitting the local museum and watching Bill Nye the Science guy at home. They had the world cuisine taste fare happening during our visit. For $3-5 a pop, you could get two bites of some Americanized foreign cuisine. (woooo). We spent nearly all day walking around this enormous lake with villages for various countries. I learned about Norway and our future Chinese rulers. Most countries didn’t even have an attraction or show. Just shops and restaurants. (boooo). Captain EO with Michael Jackson was so amazingly bad, I knew George Lucas had to be involved. Soarin over California is about the only thing in the place worth visiting and it would not justify the visit. The iconic Epcot Globe or Spaceship Earth was outdated and not terribly impressive. But we had good family fun so I can’t complain too much. 

Friday – Magic Kingdom Part Duex: Now we assaulted the heart of Disney World with full child entourage. We did the obligatory Small World ride which seems to have uncanny appeal to small children. Go figure. The ride stopped in the last room with the music blaring. I realized the music and noise of that room could be used to break me under interrogation. We all had tremendous fun at the various rides and laughed at all of the corny jokes on the Jungle river ride.  Unexpected surprise of the day was the Monsters Inc. Laugh show. This is done with a screen and the CGI monsters voiced by live comedians (unseen). They pick on people in the audience and tell jokes submitted by text from people in line. The kids absolutely loved it and we truly LOL’d. FYI – avoid Stich’s Escape and the Carousel of Progress. Lame and more lame. At last it was time to leave and I may never visit a theme park for several years to come.

Gripes/Complaints: We skipped many or most of the lines during the whole trip due to a special pass for the Burr and Condorman due to some special needs and problems waiting in line. Even with this bonus, I was completely sick of standing in lines by the end of the week. I don’t know how people can stand to visit these places during peak seasons, especially in the Florida heat and humidity. The number of toll roads to get to the park is incredibly annoying and the signs guiding unfamiliar visitors through the Disney Mega-complex are weak. Get some solid maps or GPS if you go. I’m looking forward to not being in a cattle herd of human flesh on a daily basis and flying Southwest didn’t help shake that feeling on the way home.  

The only way Muggles can experience magic is to be herded like sheep and stand in long lines.

Overall this was a fantastic holiday. Go see Mickey and his minions, but be sure to spare some time for “the boy who lives on” in the great American landscape of theme parks. If you read all of this you now have that sore, tired feeling I had each night before crawling into bed. May your next vacation be as magical, nay more magical that this one.