Psycho Ex-Girlfriend

Some of you may know my theory about Max Hall. He's not the QB at BYU, he's a crazy ex-girlfriend to the program. What could I possibly mean by that?

He's like that girl you used to date where one moment, she blows your mind and you are so happy, but a week later, she's doing something psychotic. Like leading game winning drives with cool consistency, then turning around and throwing 5 interceptions when it matters most. Can't trust that kind of chick. Drives you are your homies nuts. Yep, he's a crazy ex-girlfriend.

Want further proof? Crazy chicks love to talk trash they can't back up. Especially when nothing is left on the line. Check out these pouty quotes after beating Utah:

"I don't like Utah. In fact, I hate them. I hate everything about them. I hate their program, their fans. I hate everything," "It felt really good to send those guys home." "I think the whole university and their fans and the organization is classless," "They threw beer on my family and stuff last year and did a whole bunch of nasty things. I don't respect them and they deserved to lose."

Anyone waiting for him to pull a knife out of his shoulder pads? Can you see that crazy look in his eyes? I'll never forget it from the blowout last year. This guy gets that look in his eyes and it freaks me out. I'm amazed Bronco is still alive. His wife may want to consider a restraining order. Can you imagine dating one of his daughters? I wonder if "crazy ex-girlfriend syndrome" is a box scouts can check at the NFL combine?

Bottom line: Max, your comments were way out of line, demonstrate no class or sportsmanship and I'm embarrassed for our program. They prove my point that you are nuts and we'll all breathe a sigh of relief once you are gone, but we'll always be looking over our shoulder.

Props to Andrew George, dubbed "the man with two first names" by Sports Center for your game winning catch and making us proud back in the motherland.

The Agony of Thanksgiving

Yesterday was not a very good thanksgiving for me. On Wed. night I played full court basket ball for 2 hours and wore myself out. The following morning, I decided to participate in the annual turkey bowl and twisted my back as I slipped while blitzing the quarterback. After 20 mins of stretching, I called it quits, when home and laid around all day... like I normally would on Thanksgiving, only this time "in genuine agony."

Guess what I'm thankful for? A life lived without back pain up till now. A large TV with instant Netflix to keep me company. Kids who decided to help their decrepit old man. A wife shouldering the burden of family life with no husband. This is one good reason we marry and reproduce; so others can take care of us while we are damaged.

Kevin also deserves many thanks for sharing his ice-pack strap with me and tons of helpful tips.

I'd also like to thank Arthur for providing some great 70's drunkard humor while I endured one breath to the next.

Barry, I don't even want to think about how this injury would go if I actually needed your help. And for that, I'm thankful.

Finally, I'm thankful for Josh McDaniel's tremendous use of profanity to motivate the Broncos to a much needed 26-6 thanksgiving day win, stopping a 4-game slide. Hope you all had a more pleasant day than I did.

Hope for Mitt

The triumph of Donny Osmond last night on Dancing with the Stars is a clear sign religious bias in America is over. Mitt, if Donny can do it, so can you. Practice that winning smile, leak some photos of yourself as a young stallion or just do what we all wish you wold: select Donny as your VP candidate.

So here and now I predict Mitt the winner in 2012 with Donny as VP. A. this will save us from the disaster predicted by apostate Mayan/Lamanite high-priests who lost their true authority after killing all of the Nephites; B. This will allow for fulfillment of the prophecy uttered by Joseph Smith (recorded by Eliza R. Snow http://www.ldslastdays.com/default.aspx?page=pscthread.htm):

"The time will come when the government of these United States will be so nearly
overthrown through its corruption, that the Constitution will hang as it were by
a single hair, and the Latter-day Saints-the Elders of Israel-will step forward
to its rescue and save it."

"I'd rather be governed by Donny and Marie than the Washington establishment." Peggy Noonan, WSJ http://www.opinionjournal.com/columnists/pnoonan/?id=110010955

Twilight SAGA - New Moon

Last night my wife and I went and saw the second attempt to adapt the Twilight SAGA to the big screen. We didn't do the 12:01 midnight showing, which I had kind of hoped for, just to witness genuine female hysteria. I know I must sound very shallow, but I figured based on how cheesy the last one was, watching people freak out would be way more entertaining. The 7:00 PM show last night was certainly no Beatles concert, but it had its moments. I'm always happy to hear people cheer at the beginning of a movie. However, I didn't join them for all the bare chested cheers for Jacob and Edward. Not my "team." Had Bella ripped her shirt off, I would have cheered just to demonstrate equal rights, but I don't like the taste of boots and pepper spray and no such opportunity arose. But I digress...

First off, I will say my hopes for the franchise were fulfilled. They did a much better job with this installment than the last. Would I hold this up with some of my favorite movies? No. Maybe my expectations were sooooo low going in I was going to be pleased with just about anything. If they can keep improving the other two over this one, I'd say this will turn out to be a solid franchise.

Like most blockbusters, this movie had some awful reviews. Currently it sits at 29% on the Rotten Tomatoes meeter, which I would interpret as an overall grade of F-. In fairness, critics usually despise romance because they have no love in their hearts. So I'd say ignore what most of these bitter people have to say. A movie about bridling passions is for empty-headed right-wing religous lemmings or boy-crazy girls (I can't believe I just lumped those two together). I guarantee those pinko Communist critics would have given it 4 stars if this movie involved some bizarre perversions, drug additction, 20 F-bombs or Bella spending half her time trying to save the trees in Forks to get over Edward leaving (that would have been right in line with all of the shameless "green" pandering I saw on NBC this week). A bunch of the critics said the last one was better than this one... ????? Clearly they are on drugs. Did we all see the same corn-ball fest of a movie before? For me this film was 10x better than the first. Here are few reasons why:

• Special Effects/Action - While not ILM worthy, they were much better, primarily the fact that I wasn't thinking they were bad. The wolves were done well, the fight scene with the Volturi was OK and there were several bits of action chasing Victoria that were better than anticipated. I'd like to now thank the universe or whomever fixed this.
• Cast - As in the last film, Kristen Stewart carries the film and is 100% believable (for me at least). Its never too much emotion or too little and I'd say that is a very hard balance to strike and she does it incredibly well. Edward is still a tool to me, but whatever, he was hardly in this one! Alice came off much better, Jasper looked a little less constipated, the rest were hardly in the film. High school kids and Charlie were still the best comedy and perhaps there was not enough of them.
• Jacob - He become the true third piece to the love triangle in this installment. Acting was pretty good. Clearly that guy had much more financial incentive than the other wolves to bulk up or the kid was on steroids. I wonder if his performance should have an asterisk **** next to it. Congress may haul his butt before a tribunal soon so they can pretend to do something useful.
• Music - Seemed to flow much better with the visuals on the screen this time. Nothing amazing, but worked better this time.
• Direction/Production - Clearly this film was better produced, directed, edited, you name it, better. I only recall two blatantly cheesy moments. Perhaps they were a homage to the prior crew. I noticed they actually tried to re-do the meadow since it showed up so pitifully last time. Thank you Summit for re-investing some of that $300 million you made off the first flick.

Based on what I saw this time, I definitely have some higher expectations for the next film, which should be the most guy friendly of the whole SAGA. Perhaps my favorite moment was after the credits started to roll, some crusty old guy in front of us said, "Why did she go for that wuss?" Enough said.

My Business Card is CRAP!!!

Recently, the company I work for did some re-branding which resulted in new business cards for yours truly. I thought my new card was slick. Stock. Color. 2 sided. Slogan. Money.... Wrong. All of my good feelings were crushed (as usual) by some highly effective and motivated individual. See below.

If that wasn't enough to get you lathered up and ready to run through a brick wall, WATCH THIS!!!

Thank you Patton. Happy Friday to all. Blue Skies, Blue sky.

Book Club

My wife typically reserves random Wednesday nights for "Book Club." This is where a bunch of women shove their kids off on their exhausted husbands and go hang out with hors d'oeuvres thanks to the pretext of having read [cough] some amazing book. But I'd like to pose the question, what if I showed up to book club?

I actually read pointless books, maybe that's why I'd be disqualified. Perhaps my reading selection is not highbrow enough. Maybe I don't make good hors d'oeuvres, but what's wrong with a bag of chips and some Costco guacamole? Or could it be gender discrimination?

If I'm shunned from B.C. because of my dudeness, why don't I start up a club for men? A. because that sounds like a hair loss thing; B. we'd never do it. We used to call that sort of gathering English class (as if we read the books then either). Besides, I need to have something to blab about during basketball and my part time job as a pro-bono mover. But that doesn't always work. So what's the solution?

A book club of one. My sad blog where I tell 2 to maybe 3 people (thanks Mom) about books I've read. SO I HEREBY DECLARE THE FLETCH WORD AN "ALL-MALE" BOOK CLUB!!! And now that I've rambled on for so long, you won't want to read my reviews. But here they are:

1. The Lost Symbol - This is the latest Dan Brown novel involving everyone's favorite professor, Robert Langdon. This is one guy who should quit answering the phone as it often puts him in the middle of a conspiracy to unleash a secret SO POWERFUL it will rock humanity and put his life in peril. Sarcasm aside, I really enjoyed this book. The villain Mal'akh is both creepy and unpredictable, nearly steals the show. It was very interesting to learn a bit about Free Masonry, its symbols and ideals. Many LDS folks thought this book would be unkind to them with a Mason-Mormon plot, but the references to the church are obscure and forgettable. The puzzles were very interesting along with the explanation. I also enjoyed learning about Washington D.C. and its Masonic lore. The book focuses on Apotheosis, Greek for "to be made divine" and hence many LDS readers will find Dan Brown's ideas intriguing, like the Da Vinci Code. I'm reluctant to give much of the plot or ideas away as that's the point of reading the book. Its a page turner and I heartily recommend it.



2. THE HUNGER GAMES - Where The Running Man and modern Harry Potter/Twilight writing collide in an explosion of violence, emotion and ethical dilemmas. In the post-apocalyptic future of North America, 12 poor and starving worker Districts of people are ruled by a wealthy upper class known as The Capitol. After a failed worker's rebellion 74 years ago, District 13 was annihilated and the Capitol punishes the 12 remaining districts annually with The Hunger Games. Each year one boy and one girl over the age of 12 are selected from each of the 12 districts as "Tributes" or sacrifices to compete in a televised death match, often lasting several weeks (like a sick version of the Olympics). The lone survivor gets to return home to a life of guaranteed food in a decent home. The plot revolves around Katniss, a young girl forced to feed her family after the untimely death of her father. When her helpless 12 year old sister is chosen as a victim, she volunteers to go in her place. Little do the Gamemakers know that Katniss has been hunting illegally for years to feed her family and this is one tough girl that will not go down without a fight. I couldn't put the book down and had to finish it in two days. Its the first of a trilogy which looks to be very promising. If you start reading now, you can say you were into before the bandwagon fans pile on.

I hope our first session of book club was enjoyable, despite the lack of chips and guacamole. Until next time, I'll bring the pigs in a blanket.

P.rotect O.ur E.ssence

Here are few movies I've watched lately. Some good, others not so much...

• Dr. Strangelove Or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb - Classic satire flick. If you haven't seen this, drop what you are doing, pick up the pieces and then watch this movie. It will change your life. Some memorable quotes: "Have you ever seen a Communist drink water?"; "Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room."; "You'll have to answer to the Coca-Cola company." Where else do you get Patton, Mr. Taggart and Darth Vader all in a black and white film? I had no idea Peter Sellers played three main roles: Dr. Strange Love, Mandrake and the President. Brilliant performance. Eddie Murphy and Arsinio Hall would concur. The yee-ha death scene is still one of the most haunting things I've seen on film. Funny, morbid, heroic and pitiful all at the same time. "When Johnny comes marching home, hurah!"
  


• Omega Man (1971) - For those of you who saw "I am Legend" this is the earlier version of the film with some of the best 60s/70s music, acting and special effects EVER!! I laughed out loud several times at how bad this flick was. Charlton Heston was the NRA in this movie. Just an iconic performance. See this if you really have nothing else to do, much like yours truly.

• Wolverine - Look out, Wolverine actually uses his claws in this extension of the X-Men franchise. Action sequences were very good, the plot involving Sabertooh as his brother was intriguing, solid comic-book flick. Not the best ever, but a good one. I was impressed to learn Jackman did 98% of his stunts, and his only carbs were two pieces of whole wheat toast each day during filming. Bit of a twist at the end, no sixth sense surprises, but certainly worth a rental or spot in that DVD collection.