Thanksgiving is for Pigs

If you are a woman reading this and don't hate me; quit reading now or prepare to loath me forever. I am here to tell you that Thanksgiving is the last bastion of pure patriarchal, chauvinistic exploitation of women left on the planet. Best of all, we celebrate it as a holiday!! Not so sure? Take a look at my Paradigm Shifting Franklin Covey Turkey Day planner for Man vs. woman:

MAN

• 7:00 AM - Sleep In
• 9:00 AM - Go play in the "Turkey Bowl" with your buddies
• 12:00 PM - Come home and complain about how "sore" you are, crash in front a worthless Detroit Lions game.
• 2:00 PM -Wake up, take your dominant place at the head of the table, make a speech, then carve the flesh of an animal to show your power over nature. Gorge yourself.
• 3:00 PM - Stagger away from the table, back to the E-Z boy
• 5:00PM - Wake up, check the NBA schedule. Talk to other males about hunting, guns and the good life.
• 7:00 PM - Grab a slice of pie, start watching a movie with lots of explosions.
• 10:00 PM - Drone on about how good things were back in your day to impress younger males.
• 11:00 PM -Slip into a sweet tryptophan induced coma. Snore loudly.

WOMAN

• 7:00 AM - Already up slaving over the 7th pie crust.
• 9:00 AM - Ram your fist into a dead bird and rip out its innards, then massage it with special oils!
• 12:00 PM - Peel 40 potatoes, carrots and chop onions. Grate 3 blocks of cheese. Through your tears, "accidentally" stab an in-law with a fork.
• 2:00 PM - Freak out in the kitchen, sustaining second degree burns while basting the turkey, stirring lumpy gravy and curse at your husband's inane speech taking place in the other room.
• 3:00 PM - Take a seat at the kitchen counter and eat a small plate of food. Fight back tears.
• 5:00PM - Wash dishes in scalding water alone, while others pretend to work. Steal away to the bathroom to cry over the dried-out Turkey.
• 7:00 PM - Dishes continue. Dried out hands may never be the same.
• 10:00 PM - Crack "holiday" nuts into a bowl with a scowl on your face. Gossip with other women.
• 11:00 PM - Lie in bed staring at the ceiling wondering "Why do I do this every year?"

After going over this schedule I now realize why men have to work so hard on Valentines Day, Anniversaries, and the other 362 days of the year to make up for our one day of true Mantopia. Happy Thanksgiving!

Shoot Me Now

What a weekend. I've been completely emasculated and humbled. First, a die-hard chick flick, followed by Maxine Hall choking his life away as he single-handedly lost the Holy War between BYU and Utah. Max needs to go see a therapist. Eight picks all year and he decides to lay up five in the most important game of the season? Bench that dude! Not even his mother would give him a bowl of "you got your butt-kicked" soup without a slap to the face. Then, my beloved Broncos get slaughtered by hated but pitiful Raiders. I couldn't even bear to watch it on the DVR. How much disaster can one man take in a 48-hour stretch? As a frustrated Chevy Chase would say:

"Well Hallelujah and Holy #$%&!!! - Where's the Tylenol?"

Hope you all have a happy Thanksgiving, and give thanks that your life doesn't depend on football teams that rip your heart out and give you back a piece of black coal in return. Its just entertainment right? OK. I'm done.

Twilight Scores a 10

I recently posted on why Twilight is going "suck." For once, my predictions came true. But what I didn't anticipate was the unintentional comedy - one of my favorite genres of humor. On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd have to say this scored a 10.

I'm not going to spoil the moments, and I wouldn't do them justice, plus the punchlines for such comedy are mostly in the mind of the viewer. And I should also add that the only way to get the unintentional comedy is to have read the books. Otherwise, it would just be stupid - as I predicted many critics would say.

[Side Note] Am I gloating over correctly predicting the future? No. I just want to make the world a better, safer place. "I would rather you not question the manner in which I provide your safety, only that you thank me for it."

Here is the breakdown of my predictions:

1. Bait and Switch - Boy howdy was I right about this. This was a HARD-CORE chick flick. The 'action' is around for about 15-20 minutes and there was minimal violence I could sink my teeth into. (I know, ban pun - but its not like I'm trying to win the Pulitzer). The actual scene of violence came off much better than I expected, but this surely would not slake the thirst of a real man.

2. Casting - I'll bust out by character. Bella was actually way better than I expected and she made the movie work in my opinion. Perfect combination of homely and yet could be girl of your dreams next door. Eddie? Sometimes good, but his lines were incredibly awkward. The guy reads like the smooth operator of the century and this dude was simply goofy. This is where 90% of the unintentional comedy comes from. I LOVED IT!!! Jasper - always looked constipated (Julie told me this during the movie and I about died). Emmet, acceptable. Carlise, better than expected. Eseme, was she in the movie? Rosalie, not bad, but basically much as I predicted, a let down. Bad guys, acceptable.

Want to know who made the movie much better than expected? The high school kids. They were spot on and pretty funny. Jacob and Billy and Charlie were right on par (IMHO).

3. Production - YIKES. I think they ran out of money or had an editor on acid. Some scenes were so poorly cut that I felt bad for them, so I laughed, but not out loud - OK I did laugh out loud a few times (the WHIFF scene - you'll know what I'm talking about), but toned it down for the die-hards. I was wrong about special effects, they were worse than Heroes and Smallville. The cheesy lines were there and the "say it - vampire" scene was enough to make you puke. Yes, the budget was $36 million, a small sum in today's world and they did the best they could. Hopefully next time they can take the windfall off this episode and make something much better next time.

A word about adaptation. I felt they took some good liberties, try to add in more of a storyline with the bad guys, quicker pacing, and limiting the never-ending "Edward is the most gorgeous, chiseled, hot bowl of man-marble" talk. Bella was less domesticated, no scenes of her cooking and cleaning for dear-old dad. It was my understanding that the Meadow is the greatest moment in perhaps all of the books and it was done out of sequence and came off as the worst part of the movie. Adapting this movie is extremely difficult due to 80% of the content being in Bella's head. Only a mini-series could deliver enough detail to satisfy thirsty fans with new-born anger over missed moments. Die-hard Harry Potter fans often hate the hack job in those films and Twilight is no exception.

Overall, it wasn't as bad as I expected. I laughed a lot and had a good time, but mostly because of the sweet savor of vindication and the fact that I"m a cold-hearted jerk that can laugh at things that "suck."

My Cat Speaks Out

Recntly, I posted about my cat Tigra, and her bloodthristy nature. The following diaries (author unknown) are from a typical dog and (I'd like to imagine) my cat. Enjoy!

DOG

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

CAT

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Jerks.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...

Get More Intelligent Humour

Many of you may have already seen this movie, but I recently watched it and loved it. Action, humor, explosions, spy gadgets and Steve Carrell. The guy was hilarious in this movie and the jokes come quick and often. It was also impressive that most of the humor in this movie was not that crass (relatively speaking for a summer PG-13 - its still no G). I say this because you can watch all of the alternate jokes in the movie and they always went for the more intelligent, less crude jokes than the typical below the belt humor. I felt my faith in humanity rise up 2.8% after this experience. Each of the cast members you see on the right did a great job, all were funny and of course I'm a fan of any movie with The Rock (my alter-ego). And let's not forget Hiro (from Heroes) shows up for a few good scenes as well. Overall, I think this is a can't miss flick that will put a grin on your face and demand a second viewing.

Twilight is going to "Suck"

Not many men openly admit to reading the Twilight SAGA, and fewer still have risked nothing by blogging about it. But I’m here to fill the void of male commentary. Later this month, the SAGA will come to life on the big screen; delighting young women and desperate housewives across the globe. Right?

I have seen most of the trailers and visited the IMBD discussion board before forming my opinion. Obviously, the trailers may be different from the actual movie (Zoolander is a good example of this) but its all I have to go on. Here are my top 3 reasons why Twilight the movie is going to suck (no pun intended).

3. Bait & Switch. Most trailers depict this film as a Vampire action movie, which is totally bogus. As a guy, I hate being dragged into a chick flick disguised as something else. Bait and switch is generally a desperate tactic when the product stinks.

2. Casting. This book is about the most beautiful girl next door, meeting Mr. Wonderful and his supermodel family. I’m no model and don’t think any of the actors are unattractive, but they just don’t measure up to the description of the people in the book. (Man do I feel shallow talking about this, but sometimes the truth hurts). I’m not convinced by anyone in the cast except Bella. I don’t have a problem with Robert Pattison as Edward, but 78% of women I’ve surveyed or read online say the dude doesn’t have "it." He’s too frail and sickly looking. I’ve heard he was adored as the now deceased Cedric Diggory, but I’m not exactly qualified to comment on a dude’s looks. Next, Rosalie. This is supposed to the knock-out of the century and while the actress is good-looking, she’s no Claudia Schiffer. Carslile looks too young, perhaps his acting will make up for it. Jasper seems off and has a jacked-up hair-do. Alice and Emmet seem about right. And then someone went off and grabbed an “old” lady to play Esme. Bottom line: this is low budget B movie casting.

Historically, success with casting relative unknowns in leading roles for a big movie needs to be offset by casting well known, character actors to surround the new talent. Here are a few good examples:

- Batman Begins – Bale surrounded by Morgan Freeman, Gary Oldman and Michael Kane

- Superman – Christopher Reeve with Gene Hackman and Marlon Brando; this is a good example of a movie being viable just on the supporting cast.

- Harry Potter – the Big 3, with Alan Rickman, Robbie Coltrane, Ralph Fiennes, Brendan Gleeson, Gary Oldman, Maggie Thompson, the list is long…

- LOTR – Good talent in Viggo, Orlando and Elijah, and still they brought in Ian McKellan, Christopher Lee, Sean Bean, Bernard Hill, Cate Blanchet…

1. Production. The first two points are both symptoms of the universal problem. Summit Entertainment is clearly not a heavy hitter in the block-buster business. They make chick flicks, which this certainly is, but Twilight is in the expensive fantasy genre that requires the best to be pulled off correctly. Some call Twilight the next Harry Potter. I don’t think its appeal is nearly that universal, but it is a phenomenon as far as books go and it should get its day in the hot sun. I’ve already dissed the casting and marketing, now I’d like to rail on the screen play and special effects.

CUT THE CHEESE. Yes almost every trailer I've seen has some lines that are just plain corny and the delivery is terrible! Here are my favorites: “Tell him to avenge you!” “He’s absolutely lethal” “Say it… Vampire [ugh]” “I could make you…” And the biggest slice of cheese goes to: Wearing baseball uniforms during the baseball game. No wonder these vampires are dorks of their world.

I may be wrong about the special effects, since much will be done post production, but they are all quick blur effects like the ones on TV shows like Heroes, Smallville, etc. Perhaps this can be saved. This is my one ray of hope for the movie.

OK. I have arrogantly said a lot of harsh things based on 4-5 previews and some tid-bits from the Internet. I would be happy to be proved wrong. However, the deck is stacked against this movie. It may financially succeed, but I predict it will be panned by critics and remembered as movie with great potential in the wrong hands. Hopefully I’ll be able to choke down my popcorn when I arrive at the theater for vindication.

Election Moment

Before we say goodbye to Hilter, who was really controlled with the force by Darth Vader and welcome in the "Messiah" I have only one picture to say:

Bloodlust

Elton John and Simba are all about the circle of life, however my cat, Tigra is obsessed with the circle of death - and she brings it to us on a regular basis. I used to let the cat out because I thought she was bored and needed fresh air. Noooooo. That cat is out for blood. Serious bloodlust in that animal. I know cats like to bring presents back to their owner as a "I got your back dog" gesture, but this is just sadistic.

The other day, Tigra caught a baby bunny and slowly chewed its ears off. I heard baby B. screaming occasionally and I was stuck in a "million dollar bunny" situation. Should I save the bunny and let it die on its own? (it was mutilated and beyond repair) or should I hope the cat finishes it off quickly? Needless to say, my Boss was flipping out. I told her if I had a 357 Magnum, this wouldn't be a problem. We opted for Plan B and in true Mordor fashion, Tigra just kept the slow death going. Unable to witness the circle of death, we left and came back to find a decapitated corpse on the back porch. If Voldermort had a cat, Tigra would be it. Or maybe she's an Animagus, hiding from the Dark Lord.

The Internet says if I get an advanced pheromone spray it should mitigate my cat's need to protect and hunt its territory, thus making her less likely to kill and torture the innocent. Or we could make her wear a bell. No, that would drive me insane at 2 AM. It appears that the solution is to be inhumane, keep the cat indoors all day and get her a cat condo...and fake mice that squirt blood.