King Noah Was Not Fat

Familiar with the picture above? It contains a great falsehood! Look at that corpulent corpse on the throne. That gold crown with the big plates on either side. The leapords. Almost every other painting of King Noah is based on this one. And consequently we've all be brainwashed into thinking the wine-bibbing, whoremonger of a king was grossly obeese. BUT YOU ARE WRONG!! And I'll prove it. - But first, think about Nephi and the Apolstle John. Beardless right?

It is common in Hebrew tradition to grow a beard after you are married (much to the shagrin of your wife). So why are these two married guys beardless? To show youth? Cleanliness before the Lord? Probably. I think its just tradition and I'm here to change your life by letting you know that these guys had beards. [feel different?]

Now back to Noah. Look at Mosiah 19:4-6. Gideon, the badest Nephite around fought with Noah and had to chase him up the tower. Are you telling me that the tub in the picture above could have avoided death by running...up a tower??? But this isn't a one time adrenaline rush. Look at Mosiah 19:9. Noah again escapes death by running before the people to safety. We assume that becuase he was labeled a "wine-bibber", "lazy" and sought after whoredoms that he was fat. Many of the people who pursue a such a lifestlye are quite thin becuase they don't have the time or the inclanation to eat. Perhaps ARNOLD was just tyring to show the inside on the outside. Regardless, I'm confident Noah was at least below 250 lbs, unlike the 500 lb butter ball that we love - with a beard.

Book Review: Life Expectancy, Dean Koontz

This is the first Dean Koontz book that I've read. I was told that I've become the worst sort of "suburban-mini-van-reader" for doing it. But I loved it. The book is about Jimmy Tock, who's grandfather predicts that Jimmy will have five "terrible days" in his 20's and gives the dates. And then dies. The book is full of wit, suspense, mild horror and I laughed out loud several times. The suspense involving the first day is thick. For my family - the food described in the book is very tantalizing and it was fun to read about another family obessed with food. Most astonishing was the plethora of profound statments about life sprinkled through the book. [I'm not going to quote them so you'll read it.] The book is very readable, but dosen't feel like a Hairless Potter 3rd grade sprint. A word of caution: if you were freaked out by "IT", avoid this book.

Happy, Happy, Happy, Happy, Happy Anniversary!

The 7 year itch. I'll be wearing my traditional wool clothing to remind me of the longevity of my marriage. I don't want to bust out a wife-a-money here, but Jules is the best thing that ever happened to me. On our special evening, we decided to finally fulfill a desperate yearning that we've been holding out on since we first tied the knot. MAN WAS I EXCITED!!! I rushed home from work with flowers, a bottle of martinelli's, box of See's truffles, and spritzed on some cologne. Then I proceeded to check our reservations at the Hilton. Still good. We would finally do it...EAT AT BENNIHANA'S!! Let me say this. It lived up to the hype. I had fun sitting at the cooking table and getting to know some people over dinner. We sat next to a couple of teachers and everyone was in good spirits. I ordered some crazy grape-fruit, cucumber beverage out of the following mug:

Once our performer came to the table, he made butter "fly" and lit up a volcano for us! I have to say I like shrimp, but do not love it. However, this shrimp was the best shrimp I've ever had. P-E-R-I-uh-D. Not breaded or fried, just the real deal, lemon, butter and fire. M-m-M-m-M!! Then I busted out the julian beef with green onions. The Shizniz. Jules couldn't keep her hands off it (ouch).

Bottom Line: If you haven't gone, it is worth it. At least at the Hilton in Vegas.

Nachooooooo....

You'll either hate or love this movie. May it give you the nutrients and the strength. I've only seen this one once, but I'm sure it will improve on subequent viewings at 2AM. My favorite moment had to be chucking the corn in the guy's eye. And the flatulence before jumping Skeletor. Jack Black has guts. I wonder if anyone would hang out with me after watching me in Robin-egg tights for 1.5 hours?

Pirates of Mount Doom

2 Hours. 31 Minutes. Yep.
This felt like a long movie.
As they say, you judge a performance by the seat of your pants and my butt was bleedin!
The action was very good, the music was strong, the performances were great, it all just seemed too much. Lots of effects, etc. But the story was weak. I loved the whole escape from the cannibal tribe sequence, but it was completely unnecessary. Perhaps had they cut that, I'd have liked the film more. And what's with all of the LOTR moments? Heck I thought they had gone to Mount Doom for a moment at the beginning of the movie. I felt like there was several moments where ol Peter Jackson took over.

But let's get on the real juice. Lizzie fell for the bad boy!!! WHY??? Doesn't spicy, squash-buckling Orlando Bloom fill her canteen of love? What's so enchanting about some swarthy, dread-lock havin, mascara wearin white guy? "the rewards of doing good" ???? Shoot. I guess if chicks like that served it up to every grease-ball out there, we'd have a 0% crime rate. Bottom line: its a love triangle for the sake of a love triangle. --And why didn't Legolas beat her upside the head for necking with the source of all their problems? We're at sea!