Bruce, Jeff Holland, The Last Jedi & Jerome - Pt 4

This is the last in my 4 part series. I've known what I wanted to say for awhile now, but its tough to say so I've been putting it off. Let's talk about what happened to Luke in the Last Jedi.

Prior to this episode the last time we see Luke, he's a triumphant Jedi who just defeated all the evil in his life and is ready to build a new future. He's unstoppable, he's tough, wise and going to forge a peaceful future for the galaxy.

Fans like me read fan fiction about him becoming stupid powerful later in life. But the reality Luke gets in The Last Jedi is much less ideal. Some good years; followed by failure and exile, turning his back on everything. Some fans were understandably outraged their hero was brought low.

While I wouldn't have complained about a movie where Luke would be outrageously powerful; the realities of raising the next generation are more grey and complex than just battling your own monsters. Luke came up against the monster you can't kill: someone else's freedom of choice.

As I understand it...  Ben (Kylo) had been corrupted by Snoke and sent to Luke by Leah and Han to save him. And in a moment of weakness; he wanted to be that monster slaying hero one more time and almost chose to kill Ben. But this just pushed Ben into darkness further. Kylo then kills off his students; burns down the house and Luke decides its best to stop trying so damn hard.

People are flawed and the Force will be just fine without Jedi trying to keep all these rules and codes that just lead to failure, misery and unhappiness.

Any of this sound familiar in real life? 

I came home from my mission; got married and thought I was on top of the world. Slayed my monsters, ready to build my own empire of peace and justice. I thought I could do this just as well as some general authority... I was wrong. I bought into a couple of lies that crippled me and slowly wore me down to look and act just like Luke.

Many men in my culture and most in general have an understanding that they are responsible for 3 things (the 3 P's) in their life and family:

• Provide
• Protect
• Preside

Like anything, a lack or excess of any of these things can lead to a tremendous amount of heartache. But the lie above is that item 3 is wrong. Lie #1:

"Following the 3 P's means you are fulfilling your purpose in life"

False. My family doesn't need me to preside like some patriarchal monarch with the last word and the golden compass leading us to the promised land. God sets the direction and the commandments. Leadership to follow must be shared with your wife and done in unity. What your family and wife really need are:

• Provide
• Protect
• Be Present

Most of the tragedies told about fathers is that they were never around, present, engaged, available, vulnerable. This applies physically, emotionally and spiritually. Heck Kylo Ren cites this as his major disappointment in his father. No wonder he goes all nuts with hatred when Luke abandons him and the rest of the Galaxy as well! 

I've always wanted to Be Present with my family, but I let Providing get out of control because I bought into a sinister lie that I've heard time and time again but never realized I was doing it. Lie #2: 

"You can buy anything in this world with money."

Deep down, I thought if I made enough money; one day I could afford to be fully present with my wife, family and friends. 

I thought that showing up at the critical moments and appointed times was good enough, but my family and friends could feel the stress rolling off me in waves. I was exhausted, unhappy and sarcastic. Even if that guy is around, do you really want him around? Shoot I didn't even want him around. I don't think I ever truly got suicidal, but I began to think the only honorable way to slow down and be happy and still provide (buy anything in this world with money) would require my death and life insurance. Car crash, plane going down, whatever. But I know what its like to grow up without a father and I'm not going to do that to my kids. 

So yeah, I'll admit it. I was and still am scared to be vulnerable. To possibly not have enough "power to do anything" and spend actual large amounts of time as plain ol me with my wife and kids. Would they still love me if I wasn't providing the power to do everything? They said that was true for years but I was too scared to truly listen and change. Its taken some very difficult choices by Jules to get me to wake up and realize how far gone I'd become. 

A bitter old man, working on an island, emotionally and spiritually isolated from everyone because I think I'm doing them a favor by providing them money without all the messiness my personality brings to the situation. I felt the same way about my parents. They were so busy with so many important and righteous things that it was just better if I gave them what I thought they wanted and got out of the way. This led to Lie #3:

"Being absent is giving the people you are closest to the best gift of all; freedom." 

Wow. That is one sad core belief. 

I'm sorry brought that baggage into my own marriage and family. I've repeated so many mistakes I saw in others that I swore I'd never make. 

Luke woke up from the lies he allowed to become core beliefs and made some sacrifices to finally be present in the lives of people he should have been there for. Yeah, I shed a tear or two when I watched him die, staring into that beautiful sunset knowing he had changed, no matter the cost, to right those wrongs, show the people closest to him that he really loved them and be at peace. 

Likewise, I have that choice in my present state state of affairs. A gift. An opportunity to slow down, risk not having "power" in favor of authentic time in the lives of those most precious to me. No strings attached. Just enjoying the precious gift that is my God given life. It won't be perfect, but it will be enough and I'll be at peace. 

Bruce, Jeff Holland, The Last Jedi & Jerome - Pt 3

One thing in the last year that has really hit home with me is how I treat my children. I've never hit them, but I've done my share of yelling and loss of temper. This personal talk from Elder Holland really hit home with me that even future Apostles struggle to leave the cares of the day at the work and be kind when they get home. But I hope that I can always hold them within the clasp of my arms as discussed below:



One hard lesson I learned early on in life is that its hard to grow up and even be an adult later on in life without your father. I love my kids more than anything on this planet and want to make sure they will never be asked to do things alone.

You might think this is a complaint against my Heavenly Father for taking my dad away from me when I was 15. But its quite the opposite. I know with a surety more powerful than any of my five senses that my dad is very much alive, loves me and from time to time has been with me in good times and bad.

“You should not have left him alone to do this difficult thing. It would not have been asked of you.”

And so I will not leave my kids alone to do difficult things. I know my dad has been with me; especially in recent days. This gives me hope that there is something better in the life to come and no matter what; the cost of the journey in this life will be worth it in the end.

Bruce, Jeff Holland, The Last Jedi & Jerome - Pt 2

Vincent / Jerome

In my recent soul searching and at other times in the past I keep coming back to the film Gattaca. Go look it up if you are not familiar or watch it. Good... I've always felt a kinship with Vincent and Jerome. Underprivileged vs. over-privileged, humble / proud, optimistic / defeated, can be good enough / never will be good enough. Both smart, gifted, attractive and capable, but leading very different lives. No Support vs. the Burden of Perfection. These two men struggle with overwhelming and seemingly impossible expectations from their families, colleagues and society. One will prevail, one will die. Here is the clip from the end of the movie:

I can relate to both of these guys and I think the film intends us to see them as two faces of the same person. I've often felt overwhelming sadness and grief for Jerome crawling into that incinerator, hanging the millstone of his silver medals around his neck and burning alive to end his pain. 

But that's not all that's going on here. Yes, it may seem like a tragic or cowardly end, but I also think its suggestive of step I have to take with the part of myself that is Jerome. He needs to be consumed so the better half of him can live. But I mourn him and grieve for him. I wish it could have been different for him, he wanted get it right so badly but failed. I feel his pain at failing to measure up and make his parents and society proud of him. That he never found happiness for himself. And due to this pain he resorted to lying, cheating, hiding and pretending to be someone else to finally feel like he mattered and was good enough. Sad, but we all have to let go of our doubts, failings and the expectations of others to really let our humble, positive and talented selves shine and move onto a happier state of being. Like Vincent, I can look back on the part of me that I had to give up to God's refining fire, with some measure of gratitude for what he taught me, but with the knowledge I'm now a new man.

No longer 40.  

Bruce, Jeff Holland, The Last Jedi & Jerome - Pt 1

I don't write much anymore. Just got into the site I noticed the following trend of rising and then falling posts per year. What does all of this mean?

• It takes 11 years for me to cycle through a fad? 
• Years that I became increasingly happy/thin then sad/fat? 
• Rise and fall of blogging? (don't laugh I was late to the party)
• The impact of money on my happiness as I reached a point of diminishing returns in 2013 and then watched my life plumet? 
• Maybe I just thought I was getting old and had nothing left to say.  

From the Preacher (Ecclesiastes 1:12-18) 

"I the Preacher was king over Israel in Jerusalem. And I gave my heart to seek and search out by wisdom concerning all things that are done under heaven: this sore travail hath God given to the sons of man to be exercised therewith. I have seen all the works that are done under the sun; and, behold, all is vanity and vexation of spirit. That which is crooked cannot be made straight: and that which is wanting cannot be numbered.

I communed with mine own heart, saying, Lo, I am come to great estate, and have gotten more wisdom than all they that have been before me in Jerusalem: yea, my heart had great experience of wisdom and knowledge. And I gave my heart to know wisdom, and to know madness and folly: I perceived that this also is vexation of spirit. For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow."

Since turning 40 last April I feel like my life has come undone. The harder I've tried to make things better the worse they've become. Now I've pushed things to the point where just about everything I ever thought I cared about and believed in seems like its going to either leave, change for the worse or become poisoned. But in my hubris I thought:  

I've become an angry kid fed up with life who turned 40; stormed into the room filled with all his crushing expectations and announced "I'm tired of not feeling worthy. I should be enough! I'm done trying. I've got nothing to lose. I'm a man!! I'm 40." But instead the following months have manhandled me into a seat to hear: 

"Guys from your world have so 'much' to lose. Now, you think that because your daddy died while you were young, you know about the ugly side of life? But you don't. You've never tasted desperate. You're a privileged white male, a Prince of Opportunity; you'd have to go a thousand miles to meet someone who didn't think you had every advantage in life. So, don't come down here with your anger, trying to prove something to yourself. This is a world you'll never understand. And you always fear what you don't understand."

So now I wallow, brooding over my past, locked up with my fear, insecurity and resentment; trying to beat them to death while my thrashings just hurt the people around me...

A petulant 40-year old is just a fool lost in the scramble for his own gratification . He can be divorced, estranged or lose all his possessions. But...  

Which is? ... I honestly don't know. Yet.