In my recent soul searching and at other times in the past I keep coming back to the film Gattaca. Go look it up if you are not familiar or watch it. Good... I've always felt a kinship with Vincent and Jerome. Underprivileged vs. over-privileged, humble / proud, optimistic / defeated, can be good enough / never will be good enough. Both smart, gifted, attractive and capable, but leading very different lives. No Support vs. the Burden of Perfection. These two men struggle with overwhelming and seemingly impossible expectations from their families, colleagues and society. One will prevail, one will die. Here is the clip from the end of the movie:
I can relate to both of these guys and I think the film intends us to see them as two faces of the same person. I've often felt overwhelming sadness and grief for Jerome crawling into that incinerator, hanging the millstone of his silver medals around his neck and burning alive to end his pain.
But that's not all that's going on here. Yes, it may seem like a tragic or cowardly end, but I also think its suggestive of step I have to take with the part of myself that is Jerome. He needs to be consumed so the better half of him can live. But I mourn him and grieve for him. I wish it could have been different for him, he wanted get it right so badly but failed. I feel his pain at failing to measure up and make his parents and society proud of him. That he never found happiness for himself. And due to this pain he resorted to lying, cheating, hiding and pretending to be someone else to finally feel like he mattered and was good enough. Sad, but we all have to let go of our doubts, failings and the expectations of others to really let our humble, positive and talented selves shine and move onto a happier state of being. Like Vincent, I can look back on the part of me that I had to give up to God's refining fire, with some measure of gratitude for what he taught me, but with the knowledge I'm now a new man.
No longer 40.
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