Birthday Martyr No More

The corporate psychologists tell me I am a "Power" personality. This apparently means I'm diligent, agreeable and dependable. I enjoy teamwork and naturally build groups.  I see things on a 90-day time frame, learn by doing things myself and my overriding concern is stability. I value sincerity over competency.

And now for the downside:

I confuse replication or "looking busy" with meaning and results. When things get tough, I just get silently frustrated... until I snap. Classic passive-aggressive behavior. Can't say no. Too dad-gum nice, but I will cut your head off in a breserker rage once I'm pushed over my limits.

When the boat is sinking, I'm apparently not the guy giving orders, or the one jumping out of the boat to swim to safety, not even the one sitting back and lamenting "we're hosed." I'm the guy that will mindlessly bail out water until I die.

I am a Martyr.

The Boss has wisely let me know this is not always a good thing. Especially not on your birthday. If there is to be charity and love someone must be giving and someone must be receiving. Since I feel better when doing, I have a hard time letting people serve me. I don't want any special treatment, songs, celebrations or fuss. Just let me work another day... cuz that's what makes me worthwhile.

Jesus who was the greatest servant of all, recognized the importance of letting others serve him at appropriate times.On his birthday there were wise men with gifts, shepherds and even angels singing Him praises. I don't recall him trying to stop any of that happening. He was anointed in Bethany by a woman with costly oil. When Judas complained about the cost, Jesus replied:  Why trouble ye the woman? for she hath wrought a good work upon me.  For ye have the poor always with you; but me ye have not always.

If the greatest servant of all can allow himself to be served, then I guess I can let my loved ones be nice to me on my birthday. So to counteract my power-mongering ways, I sent the following bogus text to the Boss on April Fools day.

WOMAN

I AM NO LONGER A MARTYR IN THIS HOUSE. THIS FRIDAY MARKS THE SEMINAL EVENT OF MY BIRTH. I HAVE CONQUERED LIFE FOR AN ASTOUNDING 38TH YEAR IN A ROW. I HAVE GRACIOUSLY PERMITTED YOU AND THE FRUIT OF MY LOINS TO SHARE IN THE SPOILS OF MY VICTORIES FOR 15 YEARS. AS SUCH, I EXPECT HOMAGE ON THIS HIGH CELEBRATORY DAY WITH THE FOLLOWING SCHEDULE OF FESTIVITIES:

1. I SHALL AWAKE IN A BED DEVOID OF CHILDREN. SWEET MUSIC WILL FILL THE AIR AND I SHALL FEAST ON A BREAKFAST OF YOUR FINEST SCRAMBLED EGGS COOKED IN COCONUT OIL WITH THE TASTY BUTTERED TOAST I LOVE.
2. I WILL GO TO WORK TO RECEIVE THE ADULATION OF MY MINIONS PRAISES OF MY CLIENTS. A BANQUET IN MY HONOR WILL TAKE PLACE AS THE SUN REACHES ITS ZENITH, SYMBOLIZING MY ASCENDANCE TO POWER.
3. I SHALL RETURN TO MY DOMICILE AT 5:30 PM. YOU AND THE OFFSPRING SHALL GREET ME WITH CHEERS, DEF LEPPARD ON THE SONOS AND CONFETTI. 
4. I WILL THEN TAKE MY SEAT AT THE HEAD OF THE FEAST TABLE WHERE YOU WILL SERVE ME AN OPEN-FACE BURGER TOPPED WITH BACON ARUGULA AND BLUE CHEESE; SUCH AS I LOVE. CHILLED COKE ZERO WILL BE ON HAND ALONG WITH TATER TOTS SEASONED TO PERFECTION. 
5. WHILE MY FOOD DIGESTS, THE MAIDENS AND TROPHY SON I SIRED ON YOU SHALL CLEAN THE KITCHEN AS YOU RUB MY FEET WITH A EUCALYPTUS-FLAX SEED LOTION. 
6. NEXT, THE WHITE TRASH CAKE OF GLORY WILL BE PRESENTED WITH EXACTLY 38 CANDLES ON IT. THESE CANDLES WILL NOT BE THE TRICK VARIETY. THE FROSTING MUST COME FROM A CAN AND BE FULL OF PARTIALLY HYDROGENATED OILS. THE TRADITIONAL SONG OF PRAISE SHALL BE SUNG AND I WILL BLOW OUT THE CANDLES. 
7. AS I RETIRE TO THE CONVERSATION PIT GLOWING WITH A ROARING FIRE, GIFTS FROM YOU AND EACH OF MY WHELPS WILL BE PRESENTED. I TRUST YOU WILL NOT DISAPPOINT ME.
8. FOLLOWING THE OFFERING OF GIFTS, I SHALL RETIRE TO MY DUNGEON OF AMUSEMENT TO VIEW INTERSTELLAR BY CHRISTOPER NOLAN. 
9. UPON THE CLOSING SCENE, THE OFFSPRING WILL GO TO BED AND I SHALL ENJOY AN EVENING TONIC.
10. FINALLY I SHALL ASCEND TO MY BEDCHAMBER TO UNWRAP THE TIEDGE PRESENT FOLLOWED BY 3 HOURS OF UNBRIDLED SEXUAL CONGRESS. YOU WILL THEN BE ALLOWED TO REST AND I SHALL EMBRACE THE SYMBOLIC DEATH OF SLEEP KNOWING I SHALL RISE IN THE MORNING TO CONTINUE MY WINNING WAYS.

SO LET IT BE WRITTEN! 

SO LET IT BE DONE.

Yeah. Passive-aggressive. I should say that she actually made almost all of it happen. Except that last part. When planning such things, you need to remember that Interstellar is a 3 hour film and there are only so many hours in the evening before your beloved falls asleep during the movie. 

But I want her to know she is the best thing that ever happened to me. I can now look forward to returning the favor... for the next 364 days.