Snow White & The Hutsman

I consider myself a reasonably informed moviegoer, but not a professional critic. So when I'm watching a film and the literal expression "Wow, this script is kinda bad" goes through my mind, you know you have an awful movie on your hands. Where to begin?

The premise looked great. LOTR meets sappy fairy tail and puts some hair on its chest. RARRR. Charlize Theron wearing exotic costumes, taking milk baths and eating bird hearts. RARRR.

   

Thor fighting a Troll, swarthy Dwarfs, EPIC battle sequences and a 75 point white buck. WHAT WENT WRONG? THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE AWESOME!?

I shall now list the ways:

• Terrible dialouge
• Unimaginative script
• Kristen Stewart speaking
• Kristen Stewart wearing FULL plate armor? She couldn't lift a dutch oven.
• Kristen Stewart giving a Braveheart speech
• Thor not wielding a hammer at least once - Like Arnold's "I'll be back." Doesn't have to be major, just at least pick one up for a moment during the film. 
• Not giving women what they want - a little romance and prince charming or at least sexy Thor
• A paradise earth sequence on LSD.
• Ultimately an excuse for someone with a Charlize Theron fetish to dress her up in a bunch of bizarre outfits and be really mean to people.
• An ending sequence that almost made me scream. Its like they took one shot, no one could remember their lines, but they figured it was good and the poor editor had nothing to work with.
• OR MAYBE KRISTEN STEWART JUST CAN'T MAKE A MOVIE THAT ISN'T INCREDIBLY AWKWARD AND MAKES ME WANT TO RUN OUT OF THE THEATER WITH A BAG OVER MY HEAD. I SWEAR SHE IS GOING TO THE MOVIE PANTHEON HALL OF SHAME. 

I will give them credit for forming a shield wall and some cool special effects. And of course the scenes in the village where the people were so dirty I half expected some Monty Python & The Holy Grail lines... Bring out yer dead! Perhaps that saves the movie for some of the riff-raff. Whatever.

GO BACK TO YOUR SHANTIES!