Bizzaro Families

Upon learning this morning that the Gator would not be followed by another MANmal, STMadDog pointed out we now have Bizzaro families (2 girls 1 boy, 1 girl) vs. (2 boys, 1 girl, 1 boy). In honor of this amazing cosmic event, I now share the following Seinfeld Bizzaro clip, which is almost completely unrelated to our good news.



The question is: Who is the evil version of the family?

Rabbi Jimmer

Believe it or not, BYU plays Kosher basketball. This may sound odd since the university is owned by the LDS church, but true nonetheless.

Generally speaking, Kosher food is prepared under supervision of a qualified Rabbi. In the case of BYU basketball, coach Dave Rose has clearly declared each possession should be blessed by Rabbi Jimmer or it is not Kosher. Don't believe me? Watch the tape. The other four players on the floor look desperate to have Jimmer at least touch the ball once, if not give it right back to him after a pass on each possession. This actually became comical to me during the Gonzaga game and I started paying attention for non-Kosher possessions. 

I understand when you have the best player on the floor you want the ball in their hands, but on this team its religious obsession. Even for hard-core Mormons. I wonder if Dave Rose told some of the the players: "You see where Davies is sitting? I can make that happen in the blink of an eye if I catch you running non-Kosher plays out there." Clearly Jimmer has embraced his Rabbinic role, calling for the ball virtually every second its out of his hands. Heck the second he passes the ball, he's calling for it again. Yep, its that important to be Kosher.

And why not? With the Chuck Norris of Mormon basketball players at the helm, BYU has made it back to the Sweet 16 for the first time since 1981. You'd better believe in Kosher basketball and like it, because Kosher ball is FULL OF WIN. Just look at Jean Luc after watching the last game:

Award Acceptance - 7 Things

I just got my first ever award for blogging. (Stop laughing). In order to receive the award I must share 7 things about myself... that may not be true. Or are they?

1. I can speak better than butter without margarine. See: Psalms 55:21
2. My 7th Grade science teacher claimed we had Kip Winger's desk encased in glass in the basement of the school.
3. I've released two techno albums under the group known as Biscuits n Gravy.
4. Twice I have received thongs as gifts.
5. My teachers used to think I was disturbed because I'd doodle people with swords stuck in their mouths on my homework.
6. I've nearly been shot for carrying an Uzi with a ski mask on.
7. My first car accident was caused by a goose on a dirt road.

Yep, my horcrux now contains a bunch of seriously lame things about myself. However, I want an authentic horcrux, not one of those "I'm so cool" ones that gets stuck inside of my mortal enemy and betrays my every waking thought to this pathetic teenager who can't stop whining or comb his hair.

Did I mention "7" is the perfect magical number?

MWHAAHAHAHahahahaah... ah-ha.

Love Your Enemy

This is a funny take on what it means to love your enemy from Garrison Keillor, the man behind the News from Lake Woebegon... where the women are strong, the men are good looking and the children above average.

Garrison has a humorous take on a sermon by a female Lutheran Pastor in Lake Woebegon about loving your enemies. Matt 5:44

"But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you."

 "This is a very troublesome, VERY TROUBLESOME verse and she (the Pastor) said, no its true and this was Jesus's commandment, we are to do this. Easy to love people who are nice to you, anyone can do that. But you to have to love those that have caused you pain, don't turn away from them. Love those who cause you pain....

[Garrison reports a mother hearing the sermon calls her daughter who has been living with a bunch of losers in the city doing drugs, homeless, novelists, etc. caused this mother a lot of pain and comes to the following realization]

"Oh why oh why does she live with these losers? And then it dawned on her, maybe this is a form of loving your enemy? Living with somebody...Maybe that's all marriage is - loving your enemy. You need to be loved so you snuggle up close to somebody for a few years and gradually over time they get to see the worst of you and you get to see the worst of them. They know your worst points better than you worst enemies do. They've seen how cruel and how small minded you can be and how silly and inconsequential you may be and they know all the worst things and there you are...lying next to them. You're lying next to this intimate enemy of yourself. Your worst critic right there in bed with you. Maybe that's what love is."

I recommend if you really want to catch the humor (the guy's voice is very unique), listen here:

Red Box Etiquette - For the Next Generation

I freely admit when it comes to etiquette, I am an unrefined man. In fact, I looked up the Webster definition before writing this post to be safe.

et·i·quette, noun \ˈe-ti-kət, -ˌket\ : the conduct or procedure required by good breeding or prescribed by authority to be observed in social or official life

Clearly this definition is no longer PC. However, by the world's standards, I'm a serious breeder so I'm now qualified to lecture on Red Box Etiquette.

Thanks to the local Blockbuster and Hollywood Video closing their doors, the only way for me to rent movies is via mail (Netflix or Blockbuster), instant (Netflix) or kiosk (Red Box, Blockbuster, etc.). If you want to rent something on the spur of the moment, the kiosk is now the new video store.

So last night the Boss reserved a copy of "Life as We Know it" and I drove out to the store to pick it up and met with a situation that may be familiar to many of you. An indecisive couple was ahead of me and just stood there for about 3-5 minutes debating each title and browsing the menu, starting over several times. No one was behind me, so I left, did some shopping, came back... and they were still there. Being of good breeding, I didn't chastise them, but still waited a couple more minutes before they gave up and walked away. Setting aside my contempt, I displayed my higher breeding to the people behind me by executing a 30 second transaction thanks to my online reservation and left in an indignant huff.

As I drove home I realized the new era of video rentals needs some rules to be established. Gone are the days of spending 30 minutes picking out a movie in a store. All of my rules below stem from actual experience. In doing this, I fancy myself as Jean Luc Picard, a man of impeccable etiquette, bolding setting a code of conduct for the video rental kiosk in the Next Generation. (It helps if you imagine his voice reading the following): 

1. Realize this is the information age and everyone is "supposedly" in a hurry. In other words, be respectful of other people's time. This is OLD SCHOOL etiquette that confers great personal satisfaction to one's self and close society.  
2. To further prove your good breeding, be respectful and keep your trip to the kiosk under two minutes. 
1. To achieve this, reserve the movie online before going OR have your choices narrowed down to 2 or 3 titles so selection is economical and a pleasure to behold from the line.
3. When it is your turn at the kiosk, you should be off the cell phone and busy closing the transaction. It is rude to stand there leisurely chatting about selection or some other unrelated fried froth. Gentle smiles always follow a disciplined mobile user.   
4. Circle of Comfort - How would you feel if someone followed you around the video store looking over your shoulder at every title considered? I might slap them for such rude behavior. So why is this permitted at the kiosk? I've literally had people about a foot away staring at my entire rental process. Simple rule: When waiting your turn, give the renter 3 feet of space or remain well outside of arm's reach. If I could, I'd paint a "red box" around the rental area and hire a disgruntled DMV employee to tell people to stand behind the line. 
5. If you exceed the two minute limit, ask if the person behind you would like a turn while you use a life line to call for advice on title selection. This is a great courtesy to those simply wanting to return a rental. Your place in the upper realm of high breeding will be secure.

I'm confident if we all commit to this bold new code our own sense of self-actualization will increase by 2.3% and firmly place us on the path to discovering the DVD replicator. Then with the full weight of my pedigree I can proclaim: Movie, Ferris Buller's Day Off... Make it so!

For more fun with Etiquette, visit Etiquette Hell: http://www.etiquettehell.com/

Kill the Boy & Chocolate Cake

Best stuff ever from Bill Cosby. Parents will enjoy or they have no soul.



Being a hard core chocolate lover and a lazy cook for my kids, I epically got a kick out of this one.

Deep or Painful?

I want your vote on the following clip. Is it deep and inightful or just painfully depressing?



Often I feel like I'm the Tree and the boy is Corporate America. It will kill me and I will be happy.

This video also reminds me of my mother who literally would cut her arms off for me and be happy about it. Love you mom.

Honor & Jimmer Worship

Time to weigh in on the Davies fiasco at BYU this year. I'm proud of my Alma Mater for upholding its standards and showing the world honor is more important than winning. But I'm sick of hearing about how it has generated positive media attention about the church and BYU. This publicity is a nice concession prize for a lost season, but at what price?

BYU was arguably having its best basketball season ever with perhaps the Player of the Year (equivalent to the Heisman in Football) in Jimmer Fredette. Publicity for the church? I've often heard one the main reasons BYU athletics exist is for a missionary tool. Let me emphasize the ATHLETICS, not the honor code. Of course the money is huge to a school subsidized by tithing but that's a different topic. I'm pretty confident we would have gotten a ton of favorable press had the team made it to the Final Four. There would be discussion of the honor code and how remarkable it is that these players uphold it. People still talk about Danny Ainge and our Sweet 16 run, back in the day. This could have generated positive discussions for years. The worth of souls is great in the sight of God. I'd like to think the Lord would much prefer the exposure from winning than honor code violations.

We learn from Alma 32 that the Lord will have a humble people. I daresay, the hype surrounding Jimmer this year could be the biggest dearth of humility the basketball fans have ever displayed. I really have enjoyed the websites, etc. How often does the whitest school in America get to say they may have the best basketball player in the country? But perhaps it got out of hand. Here are some websites to enjoy and see how we lost our humility:

http://www.jimmerpoy.com/
"When prisoners need a beat down, they bring in The Jimmer."

http://goodmenproject.com/sports-2/good-men-picks-jimmer-or-san-diego-state/
"Jimmer worship should replace Scientology as the new, trendy “it” religion … if it hasn’t already."

http://dreamcatchermedia.com/jimmered
This is the infamous facebook thread where a female student gets "Jimmered." Hilarious stuff. Highlights on the right.

The facebook thread shows Jimmer becoming the Chuck Norris of Mormons. I'll admit, I love these jokes, but they don't scream humility. Is God punishing BYU fans for a lack of humility and some sacrilegious jokes?

Absolutely not. All of this stems from some poor choices. Is there a silver lining with good publicity about the honor code? Sure, but it came at a very high price. My heart goes out to Davies and his family. Hopefully he can pick things up and be better tomorrow. Hopefully folks in Provo and fans will be willing to support him on that journey rather than ostracize him. That is the spirit of the honor code and a success story I'd love to hear about, but I doubt it will get much media attention.

Frozen Wasteland

There isn't much to North Dakota. I'm not trying to make fun of it, but in the winter its a frozen wasteland. Naturally, I wound up going there for some work. The one thing this area has going for it is the gas industry, which requires a ton of transient labor. Where do all these guys live? In motels. As a result, when I went to book a hotel in the area, I found that every hotel in western North Dakota was booked. I wound up driving 2 hrs. to Glendive MT for a room and then 2 hrs back to Williston to do the inspection.

Hard Earned Photo

During the drive I listened to a bunch of the BS report and Freakonomics radio. I have to plug Freakonomics radio as one of my favorite podcasts. Very interesting takes on every day topics such as pain, risk, faking it, big cities, Pandora's impact on education and the NFL lockout. The BS report focused on the Oscar results and Bill Simmons advanced a theory that all awards should be given out 5 years after the performance. This is similar to how we judge players for the hall of fame in sports. Under his theory, most of the snubs over the years would have been corrected. And I completely agree the Social Network got HOSED. Probably my favorite film in 2010. At least it won Best Score, which I previously praised in an old post.

Onto my drama in the snow. Once I got to the site, I was limited in my ability to walk the property due to the snow and the roads were covered in drifts. I figured I could get past a few in my rental, but got stuck. I'm sure the Gator would have been very happy to say: "Uh-oh!!" Panic started to set in. I'm basically trespassing on someones land, stuck in the snow and about to miss a non-refundable flight and may have to drive another 2 hours to get back to a motel with vacancy. After 10 minutes of going back and forth and only minor swearing, I got out of the car in my dress shoes and slacks and started to dig out with my bare hands. Just before going numb, I quit and could feel just a bit more traction. Time for one last desperate attempt. I dropped the hammer and floored it and praise the Lord, got out of that drift. A great example of God's goodness to me when I am such an undeserving creature, but I guess there are points in heaven for those who brave the Frozen Wasteland.

DENVER = WINTER & SNOW DONE RIGHT.