Captian Crunch Mouth

This morning Jeff texted me that he was suffering from an acute case of Captain Crunch mouth after 3 delicious bowls. Jeff – I feel your pain. Sadly, I’m all too familiar with this affliction. My days at the MTC were riddled with it. If only Clark Griswold could come up with a nutritive mouth varnish that could “seal and coat” the mouth and prevent the Captain Crunch from scarring it.

If you don’t know what Captain Crunch mouth is, see this thread: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080313041912AAfoBdq

While I love Captain Crunch, I’ve nearly given it up for this reason. I don’t want to wait for the “Soggies” to make it safe to eat. But this got me to thinking, what is the greatest the American classic cold cereal? Before I give my top five, I think some history on cold cereal is in order (thanks Wikipedia, o fountain of easy indisputable facts):

“Breakfast cereals have their beginnings in the vegetarian movement in the last quarter of the nineteenth century, which influenced members of the Seventh-day Adventist Church in the United States.[4] The main Western breakfast at that time was a cooked breakfast of eggs, bacon, sausage, and beef. The first packaged breakfast cereal, Granula (named after granules) was invented in the United States in 1863 by James Caleb Jackson, operator of the Jackson Sanitorium in Dansville, New York and a staunch vegetarian.

Breakfast cereals were considerably more convenient, and, combined with clever marketing, they finally managed to catch on. In 1877, John Harvey Kellogg, operator of the Battle Creek Sanitarium in Battle Creek, Michigan, invented a biscuit made of ground-up wheat, oat, and cornmeal for his patients suffering from bowel problems. The product was initially also named "Granula", but changed to "Granola" after a lawsuit. His most famous contribution, however, was an accident. After leaving a batch of boiled wheat soaking overnight and rolling it out, Kellogg had created wheat flakes. His brother Will Keith Kellogg later invented corn flakes from a similar method, bought out his brother's share in their business, and went on to found the Kellogg Company in 1906. With his shrewd marketing and advertising, Kellogg's sold their one millionth case after three years.

The 20th century

In the 1930s, the first puffed cereal, Kix, went on the market. Beginning after World War II, the big breakfast cereal companies – now including General Mills, who entered the market in 1924 with Wheaties – increasingly started to target children. The flour was refined to remove fiber, which at the time was considered to make digestion and absorption of nutrients difficult, and sugar was added to improve the flavor for children. The new breakfast cereals began to look starkly different from their ancestors. As one example, Kellogg's Sugar Smacks, created in 1953, had 56% sugar by weight.[6] Different mascots were introduced, first with the Rice Krispies elves[7] and later pop icons like Tony the Tiger and the Trix Rabbit.

Because of Kellogg and Post, the city of Battle Creek, Michigan is nicknamed the "cereal city". [8]”

And without further ado, Here are my top 5.

5. HBO – AKA, Honey Bunches of Oats

Tasty, sweet, clusters. Good times, fun nickname.

4. Cinnamon Toast Crunch

Sugary goodness to replace toast with a timeless topping

3. Cocoa Crispies or Fruity Pebbles

I used to chant “oh-ho blessed cereal” as I poured milk on this cereal

2. Reese’s Puffs

What other cereal is equally good for desert? A birthday morning special

1. HNC – AKA Honey Nut Cheerios.

To waste this cereal is a sin in my house. Finish the bowl or don’t start at all. It is relatively healthy, with that sweet sugar cereal taste. Best of both worlds.

Honorable mentions:

Life
Cracklin Oat Bran
Captain Crunch, with Crunch Berries
Super Golden Crisp
Marshmallow Mateys
Raisin Bran
G-NUTS, AKA Grape Nuts

So go do your patriotic duty – fill a massive salad bowl with your favorite empty calories and watch some cartoons. For a trip down cartoon/cereal memory lane, visit: http://www.neatorama.com/2007/02/26/best-cereal-commercials-ever/