Stop Patronizing Me

Valentine's Day is just around the corner and I'm already sick of the holiday. Not because of my beautiful wife or spending time with her (which I am very much looking forward to) but due to the idiotic commercials aimed at men for 3 weeks prior to the event. They are in a word, INSUFFERABLE!!


Zales, Kay, Jared, etc. all push heart shaped necklaces during this holiday. Do women actually wear those heart-shaped diamond necklaces on any occasion other than Valentines Day? I'm no expert, but I don't recall seeing many - ok never. But that's not the end of it. Then we get the "theme" jewelry that has symbolic meaning - like a cheesy union of two silver bodies wrapped around a diamond? To make it worse, these commercials come with corny one-liners and women swooning . Seriously? Why would an unwanted, unnecessary, and tacky gift bring out the passion?

Next, I get a barrage of YOU-ARE-AN-IDIOT sports radio spots for everything from jewelry to massages to restaurants.... "Guys! Want to control the remote all day? Send her to our spa so we can treat her like a queen. You get to watch sports and be the hero, and your princess will come home very appreciative." I nearly puked in my mouth when I heard that one.

Not to mention how many ads start off with "Guys! Don't forget..." How could I?? I'd have to be living under a rock. Plus, most people don't usually celebrate right on the 14th, so you have plenty of opportunities - Women especially enjoy this as it turns the holiday into some sort of love Hanukkahesque festival lasting nearly 3 days.

The message I've had pounded into my head can be summarized as:

• You are an idiot who can't remember Valentines Day
• You hate romance, let someone else do it for you
• You need tacky jewelry and one-liners to get some action
• You'd better not screw this up

The worst part of this patronizing barrage of commercials? They reinforce the notion that men should pay money to get sex - and women love it! Why does any woman find it romantic to be treated like a prostitute? The advertisers would turn us all into mindless Johns and 50 cent hookers. Men are nothing but glorified ATM machines to their women, who return soulless sex for gifts. The satanic notion of "anything in this world can be bought with money" is sadly taught 24/7 in connection with a holiday that is meant to celebrate love - a selfless, ideal that implies sacrifice, not bribes.

Do I have some solutions? No. This is a blog, not a place of answers. But we can be sure to blame Repulicans and corporations for these problems. Have a nice Valentines Day.

Taboo lifted by SB44

Wow. I'm still shocked the Colts lost, especially due to a pick-6 on "the greatest QB ever." I guess the great Peyton Manning showed he's still weak in the post season with a 9-9 record. I'm very happy for the Saints. Take those bags off your heads and breathe in the gumbo; a well deserved win. It almost reminds me of Creek loosing to Columbine back in 99. Sometimes Karma dictates a win for the fans.

Despite the drama and pageantry of the game, the best part of the Super Bowl for me was an ad that has broken a taboo barrier imposed on me by the boss.

For years, I have joked about what sort of food I'd like to be buried in (after I'm dead, unlike the commercial). The boss said I could never blog about it due to the humiliation it would bring to me, but now that Doritos has made this sort of ritual public; I see no shame in giving my Top 5:

1. Beans & Rice - the good stuff from Puerto Rico. Developed during my mission in Boston, I often hoped we would knock on the door of some family making a massive dinner.
2. Biscuits & Gravy - developed during my college years.
3. A Cafe Rio Salad, smothered in the Tomatillo Ranch Dressing.
4. Green Curry with Japanese Eggplant
5. Corn Chips with a dual chamber crock pot stewing Nacho Cheese and Little Smokies marinating in BBQ sauce. Yes, prime Super Bowl fare.

The question is would this stuff be in containers or just dumped on me? Considering the dignity I owe my maker in death, I would have to go with containers to abstain from gross sacrilege. If you think there is some other food to be considered please let the boss know so she can plan accordingly.

Who am I?

Since I don't do face book surveys often, I thought I'd bust one out for posterity or to make this horcrux more potent. Here it goes.

if I were a day of the week, I'd be Tuesday - yes, I'm that boring

if I were a time of day, I'd be 4:30 PM - always my most effective time of the day

if I were a direction, I'd be NORTH. Simply due to some great one-liners from Superman.

if I were a tree, I'd be the Avatar Tree - because I want naked blue aliens living on me.

if I were a tool, I'd be the Akron Hammer.

if I were a flower I'd be a carnation just to see if my wife would still love me.

if I were a musical instrument I'd be a Gong - I would sound profound all the time.

if I were a color, I'd be the color of sweat - oh yeah, I work that hard.

if I were a fruit, I'd be NONE.

if I were an element, I'd be plutonium.

if I were a food, I'd be pizza, it can be breakfast, desert, dinner, Mexican, Chinese, even Italian.

if I were a place, I'd be the bachelor pad in the Tron Legacy trailer.

if I were a material, I'd be polyester - to honor my ancestors.

if I were a scent, I'd be bacon.

if I were an object I'd be the all-spark or the matrix of leadership.

if I were a song I'd be Turbo Lover.

MAN STUFF

if I were any boxer I'd be Ivan Drago

if I were any barbarian I'd be Conan

if I were any Jedi I'd be Obi-wan

if I were any death-eater I'd be Lucius Malfoy - just for the hair

if I were any super hero I'd have Peter Petrelli's original power

if I were any stormtrooper I'd be a snowtrooper from Empire.

if I were any football player I'd be Nate Newton

if I were any baseball player I'd be John Kruck

if I were any basketball player I'd be Charles Barkley

if I were any hockey player I'd be Adam Foote

if I were any soccer player I'd be... the goalie who got shot

Alas, I am none of these things. Just a boring blogger.