Are the Olympics Overrated?

Like many of you, I saw much of Michael Phelp's run at history with eight gold medals. It was thrilling as some of the best sports entertainment I've had in a long time. Especially the come from behind relay. I was doing some serious fist and chest thumping (in a relatively subdued manner so as not to wake the children). Same goes for the Gold Medal round and the Redeem Team in Basketball. And yes, I actually stayed up till 2:30 AM to watch the game live. When it was all done I thought to myself, "why only do this once every four years?"

Official Answer: Out of respect for the historical tradition of holding the games every four years. Real Answer: We only give a rip about swimming, ping-pong, track, divining, trampoline and gymnastics once every four years. - Any more than that would be overkill.

As rabid as the media is to sell us entertainment, if someone thought they could sell us a world championship of swimming annually, then I bet it would be marketed accordingly. I'm sure such a thing exists, but I never hear about it. Maybe swimming, track and gymnastics needs a David Stern (NBA Commissioner) to cram these sports down our throats like the WNBA.

My final thought on the Games. The Redeem Team is awesome, but its still not as good as the original Dream Team. This isn't just nostalgic pride. In the international game, shooting and passing are king. The Dreamers played authentic 80s ball that blows the Redeem crew out of then gym. But the Dream Team was boring to watch and they never were tested. That game against Spain was in jeopardy. It was fantastic to watch our best and brightest rally together and play team ball. They won many haters over, on and off the court; myself included. As good as this was for American Basketball, a writer from ESPN 2 pointed out this was a big deal for the African American community and a feel good story - for a sport that matters more than once every four years.

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=hill/080822

The M Word

Until the retired Rugby star, John Blaser got his career started in the wide world of appraisaling, MOIST was a word that only meant good cake - Seriously. Is there anything worse than a dry cake??? And on the other side of the coin, nothing is quite as delicious as a moist cake, especially yellow with partially hydrogenated chocolate frosting... Soooo goooood. And let's not forget the tall glass of ice-cold milk. I'm satisfied that most guys think of cake or food when the hear the dreaded M-word.

But this innocence was not meant to last. One fateful day at the office, I dropped the M-bomb in Mr. Blaser's presence and he informed me that I had just spoken one of the vilest words in the English language. Most heinous to women above all else. Shocked and happily amused, I began to apply the word to almost anything, anytime, always getting a twisted chuckle out of it.

The other day, I saw the pinnacle of corruption with this word on the show, How I Met Your Mother. Go figure this was the first and only episode I've ever seen. One of the characters, played by the now grown Doogie Howser, decided to perform a one-man off-off-off-off-off Broadway show just to spite his friends, especially one female in particular. The show starts, and he comes out in black jeans and a black turtle neck (of course), puts a leg up on a chair and begins repeating the word, "Moist...Moist...Mmmoooist, Moist..." Needless to say I was in tears at this point. The show says this takes place for 20 minutes. Many women would beg for the electric chair before the end.

So what's the big deal? I'm not sure, but this word never ceases to crack me up. I assure you, I'm not thinking dirty thoughts when I say it, I'm just getting a kick out of watching people squirm. But if you must know more, here is a link discussing the phenomenon of the M-word.

http://www.salon.com/mwt/broadsheet/2007/10/29/moist/

ARNOLD's Top 5

The other day I had a random thought. Big surprise. What is the greatest Arnold Schwarzenegger (aka Anti-Christ) flick of all time? I've queried a few bright minds, but have come to my own conclusion in the form of a top five and some honorable mentions and unmentionables. Without further ado, here is the list.

1. Predator - This movie embodies male masochism to 98th degree. Elite military forces, massive guns, explosions, evil aliens, jungle survival, the hunt, death, yelling, cursing and some classic lines: "This stuff will make you a sexual Tyrannosaurus!" - "Stick Around" - "If it bleeds, we can kill it" "GET TO THE CHOPPAH!" - "KILL ME, KILL ME!!!" The primal struggle of the hunter and the hunted is fantastic in this movie. Remember the scene where they do nothing but shoot the jungle with crazy guns for like 5 minutes? Awesome. Everyone dies and Arnold is the last man standing. This movie is seething in testosterone. If you ever loose your mojo, watch this, go run in the woods for 5 minutes, cover yourself in mud and you'll be back in business (maybe not with the Lady, but nothing's perfect).

But more astonishing than the film itself is the cast and their later accomplishments. I bet a few more people would have gone to see the film in curiosity if they had known that 2 governors of major states would come out of this beefcake casserole. Arnold went on to become the GOVENATOR and Jesse the Body became THE GOVERNING BODY. In a much lesser known vein, Billy (the Indian tracker) aka Sonny Landham ran for Governor of Kentucky. Plus this movie had Apollo Creed. Best. Arnold. Flick. Ever.

2. Terminator / T2 - I throw these two together because I'm a cop-out. James Cameron (director) gets most of the credit for these movies. This is where Arnold got his signature line going, "I'll be back." Although not Oscar worthy, it was a great performance as a machine and villain. Plus this flick got us thinking about A.I. and the future... something hard to do for the average Arnold fan (trust me). T2 was awesome for its ground breaking CGI work on the T1000 and let's face it, Arnold with Guns & Roses was a triumph for a 90's metal head.

3. Running Man - Stephen King novel... This flick was way ahead of its time, showing us how sick reality television could get. The 80s cheese is off the charts in some areas (good thing in my mind), and in many ways it has the same hunter/hunted vibe as Predator. Its a futuristic Gladiator with some colorful characters, especially the opera singing, sumo sized electric dude. The deaths in this film were very creative and made you laugh instead of cringe (at least blood thirsty teenage boys think so). This movie also had Jim Brown, Jesse the Body and some really skinny nerd. Plus, we got the atoning message from Arnold that steroids are bad. Classic.

4. Total Recall - I rank this one high due to its unusual plot and psychological intrigue. It reminds me of the same enjoyment I got from The Matrix. Are we in reality or just a dream? How would you know the difference? I loved the full wall television, video phones, lame cars, and weak glass on a planet with no atmosphere. Although this was a very violent film, it had a message about reality and your true identity. Hard things to come by in the average Arnie flick.

5. Commando - This movie embodies everything people love to hate or simply love about Arnold. High Body Count, gratuitous violence, senseless nudity, ridiculous plot, sick violent jokes, lots of tough talk, 80s cheese out the yin-yang, a totally lame villain with no business taking Arnold on and a ludicrous love interest. The Unintentional Comedy factor is through the roof on this flick. Which is what makes it funnier on each viewing. Heck, just his name alone makes me grin. John Matrix. I think if this film were made today, some anti-Colombian defamation group would have stopped the production due to the extreme number of latins killed (and so easily I might add) in this film. Wait... this film would not be made today, which makes it a treasure in the Arnold Pantheon.

All of my picks come within the Golden Era from 1984 to 1990. Forgettable before that stretch, and action legend piling up less memorable films after that. But that's why we call it the "prime" of your life, career, etc.

Honorable Mention - Pumping Iron: documentary where Arnold takes on Lou Ferigno in the Mr. Olympia contest. Arnold smokes weed and has no problem showing us just what an ego-maniac he is. True Lies: Hard to leave this one out of the top 5. The interrogation of his wife was hilarious. Conan The Barbarian: [Mongol general asks] "Conan! What is best in life?" [Conan answers] "To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women." And let's not forget Darth Vader was in this movie also...

Hall of Shame - Junior: Arnold does not get pregnant. I find no humor in this. Red Sonja & Conan the Destroyer: Not even Ivan Drago's wife and Wilt Chamberlain could save these flicks. So awful they are funny to watch, but still painful. The Last Action Hero: This movie was so full of itself it just stunk up the joint. Had some great comedic moments, but pitiful compared to the body of Arnold's work. Almost Unmentionable, Batman & Robin: I actually fell asleep watching this. Darkest moment of Arnold's career. The lines, the delivery, OH THE SHAME!!! I can't think of it anymore.

Clearly I'm on vacation and had way too much time to think about this. If you finished this post, I give the line of another ardent Arnold fan who shared most of these memories with me, "I commend you for your diligence."

Breaking Dawn - Unexpected Ending

Yes, I have finished the final installment of the Twilight SAGA, Breaking Dawn. For once, I’ll actually get into some serious spoilers, so don’t go any further if you don’t want the surprises ruined. I heard a song the other day on a CD given to my kids after a birthday party that made my blood run cold in fear. Listen to it if you wish on the sidebar (See You Again - near the bottom). I have renamed it, Bella’s Theme. Since it is a Hannah Montana song, it becomes even more relevant to the teenage boy-crazy theme of the SAGA.

First off, I think this was my favorite book. The Edward obsession was thankfully dialed back big time and there was more plot development. However, if you read a lot of suspense books, the action in this book is still painfully slow, but entertaining nonetheless. I actually re-read two chapters I particularly liked: New and First Hunt.

Curveball #1: The Pregnancy. This didn’t surprise me too much, but I felt like the justification for it was a bit lame based on the rules she had created for her world. At least it spared us from Izzy Swan going to Dartmouth and being insanely jealous over every chick that ogled Edward in his letterman’s sweater. The Honeymoon stuff was pretty funny, we never got much from Superman and Lois Lane, so it was certainly novel reading. Knowing how intense some women are about their young, I wasn’t too surprised by her 180 on having a kid. Anything from Eddie is to DIE for.

Curveball #2: The Imprinting on the Loch Ness Monster. This still creeps me out. I remember saying DAAAANG! as I read it, but it was fun. “So mom, remember when you used to make out with my soul-mate and he was totally obsessed with you?” Yeah. Good times. I guess it felt OK by the end of the book. She still seemed like an exorcist baby to me. I kept waiting for her to flip out and feast on someone.

Curveball #3: The TOTALLY HAPPY ENDING (Yea!). This was a bit hard to swallow, being the bitter, cynical, sarcastic dude that I am. Tragedy mystically makes things meaningful and helps us feel better about how much our lives stink. Uber-happy endings are too sweet. Like eating an entire ball of cotton candy, with that clenching pain in your jaw. Bella got everything she wanted. So did Eddie and Jake and Nessy and Alice and Charlie and his dog and the Vamps from Ireland. Only one salty chick of no consequence died. I guess this is teenage girl fantasy land, and in that world none of the people you like are on the chopping block.

Either Mrs. Meyer was writing the stuff that genuinely makes her happy or she was just trying to mess with all of us. I’m betting on the first, it seems consistent with the way The Host ended. I bet Meyer's husband has dreams of killing Edward, or loves him for making his family millions...

Did Meyer just finish a best-selling series that tells young girls that everything in life is centered around getting swept off your feet and married to a hot guy, having babies and ignoring your education and anything mature in life? Probably. Am I trying to rip on Utah women? No, but I’m sure many will not be pleased with the outcome of this book and its total lack of feminazi principles. And let’s not even get started on this being a let-down in terms of great literature. Come on people, this is FANTASY!!! I don’t expect to get accepted to Hogwarts any day soon, I won’t become a super-hero, dungeon master, or a transformer. Let’s live a little.

Maybe the reason girls went gaga over this SAGA is because it gave them everything they yearned for, forbidden by our feminist/politically-correct culture. Gotta fight the power. You go Bella. Chasing down those perfectly chiseled dreams and making them yours. GO TEAM EDWARD!!! WOOOO!!!

!PREDICITON! – If any movie has a shot to beat the insidious $600M mark set by Titanic, Twilight is it. Never underestimate the power of teenage female movie goers with daddy dearest’s $$$. Good thing my daughters are too young for all this. Anyhow, The SAGA is now over for me and I can get back to being a greasy, swarthy, Star Wars guy.

Man Crush

Lately, I’ve been very annoyed with media hype and the recent circus over Brett Farve’s retirement fiasco. Sure, this is a compelling story. Legendary Quarterback, Gun-slinger and Tough-guy extraordinaire holds team hostage to satisfy his vain pride and ego. What Sports Writer can resist that? Not many. But must we think about it all day, every stinking day for 3 MONTHS? Does someone have to hide out in front of Brett’s house and in the Packer’s headquarters to track his every movement? NO!! Does anyone care that much? No. The media's obsession with Farve is best summed up as: A Man Crush.

Tyler Beck, one of the greatest layman pop-culture/sports commentators I’ve ever known personally taught me about The Man Crush when venting his anger over Brett Farve. He acutely diagnosed the sick media obsession that blossomed into the near-parody coverage of the recent “OOPS I DID IT AGAIN!!” moment from our favorite Tough Guy. How many times can you quit and come back until your reputation is destroyed? We now have the answer: Three. Maybe Brett and Brittany have something in common after all. Someone protect his kids soon.

Now for the academics. The Man Crush exists when a heterosexual guy admires or idolizes another guy to the point of it appearing he has a crush on the dude. Think Frodo and Sam in LOTR. Or the attitude of a love sick teenage girl that breathlessly waits and pounces on the object of her affection, giggling all the time. Despite obvious flaws, the object of affection can do no wrong. No amount of attention is enough.

By a twist of fate, I happened to just finish reading the TWILIGHT SAGA drenched in this OCD form of love. I’m calling out ESPN, FOX, etc as the Bella Swan to Brett Farve, the vampire who has sucked all the life out of my sports world.

Tim O’Brien, an expert on personal branding says Farve’s brand is Toughness. I say it has now changed to Prima-donna. How sad.

You can say I’m just an old Broncos fan who loves Elway and hates the rest. Fair criticism, but in head to head competition in the Super-bowl, Elway turned in a spectacular “helicopter” play and showed who really has more determination to win. Farve may have the records, thanks to playing on much better teams, with better talent and protection, but Elway can now take his rightful place as the Tough quarterback since Brittany Farve is too busy making out with the media and his ego to notice he has destroyed his legacy forever.

The Hostess with the Mostess

I recently read The Host, by Stephenie Meyer, the reigning queen of estrogen-powered vampire books and newest LDS pop-culture phenomenon. Unlike the Twilight SAGA, this book is written for adults and thankfully, the boy-crazy meter was dialled down from 1,000 to 500.

First, a few words about the SAGA, as they shaped my perceptions of the author and my outlook on The Host. I'll freely admit that I've read the first three Twilight books and enjoyed them. They are a quick read, and will keep you up at night turning the pages against your will. Its Harry Potter style marathon reading. I really enjoyed a different outlook on Vampires (at least from my past experience) and the plot presents an interesting pickle. Plus, the books are more about longing, passion and self-discovery than power, violence, murder and gratification, which is a refreshing change of pace from most vampire works I'm acquainted with.

Despite my enjoyment, I felt like an intruder in a strange country that I had no business visiting - a woman's mind. And a teenage one at that. Seriously. I thought boys were obsessed with girls in high school. Wow. If those books really are close to reality for the average teenage girl, I'm tempted to buy some chastity belts, a double-barrel shot-gun and a can of Bear Spray (just for good measure) right now.

Here is my one complaint with the SAGA and it consequently, my one issue with The Host: They all seem unnecessarily long. By the way, I'd never dare to complain about boy craziness, since men are much worse in their obsessions with women. Overall, I like the plots, the characters, storyline, but it just feels drug out, in certain spots. I'll give some background on The Host and explain.

The novel is set in the not-too-distant future were aliens have invaded and virtually conquered the earth. They didn't do it with guns and "Lasers" and they don't get sick from the common cold. Which was a good change. They are a species of silvery parasites that have conquered several planets and uses the host bodies of the most compatible species on the planet, in this case, humans. Once a host body dies, these Souls (as they call themselves) are re-inserted into a new host body, effectively making them immortal. These souls are very peaceful and altruistic. Most won't touch a gun and thought they were doing us a favor by wiping us and our barbaric lifestyle out of existence. The descriptions of how life on earth is after they take over are hilarious and I wish there was more of it. The Souls have one secret problem. The human minds of some older bodies don't want to let go and stick around to haunt or simply drive the invading Soul nuts hoping to regain control, but it is a terrible prison.

That alone got me to read the book. Trapped in your mind, with no control over your body and having to hear the occupier's thoughts. It makes for some great reading. Plus, it was from a woman's perspective, which made it all the more alien and interesting to me.

Another problem these invaders have is the emotional and carnal power of the body on the mind. We can all relate to this problem, which made the book thought provoking. It also shows some of Meyer's LDS roots. The Souls have never encountered a species with such strong emotions and memories - yes, they can remember everything from the host body's life. So, when a resistance fighter, Melanie is captured and attempts suicide, the Souls put one of their best in her body to discover her secrets and wipe out the last of the humans. Wanderer, the name of the Soul sent on this mission finds that she can't resist the memories and feelings of Melanie's former life and love. To make matters worse, Melanie is sticking around and forcing memories on Wanderer all the time in hopes of driving her to go find the man she loves and the brother she must protect. Wanderer is overwhelmed by this new body, its powerful emotions, memories and finds herself becoming one with its desires.

The book effectively becomes a love triangle with only two people. But its much more than that. The mental battle between the two women, and their interactions with others is very entertaining to read and yes, I was up late reading the book on several occasions. As I said, my only beef is with the plot being drug out in certain areas, and not enough in others. The portion in the middle, set in the desert could be condensed and other parts such as the new alien human culture should have been expanded. It reminds me of the stall in The Phantom Menace (Star Wars I) where the pod race story takes way too long. Maybe a second book will follow with more of what I crave. [Photo below is of Picacho State Park, a setting in the book]

I experienced a similar frustration with Harry Potter. I like mystery and out of school stuff, but spare me herbology and excessive quidditch competitions. As you can guess, the 7th book was by far and away my favorite. I'm hoping for a similar change in Breaking Dawn, the final book in...THE SAGA.

To any of the three dudes that read this blog and may contemplate reading this book, it still has a high-volume of boy craziness, but its not puppy love and I could identify with it. I'm guessing Meyer had to keep some of this element for her teenage girl fan base, or maybe she just enjoys writing about forbidden love, burning passion, etc, etc. It stays clean and I say more power to her. You go BYU Grad!

Overall, this was a great break from typical sci-fi novels because it was from a feminine perspective in a typically masculine genre. Plus, I genuinely like chick flicks and tearing up. As an unintential bonus, that scores me HUGE wife points. So go figure. I'd recommend this book to just about anyone.