Playa Del Carmen Meets My Dad Bod

White. Sandy. Beaches.

The Boss has said these words over and over again when describing the ideal vacation. Last week we finally made it to the Atlantic side of Mexico, at a resort near Playa Del Carmen. As usual, the woman who acts as the Liahona or Director in my life guided us right (even if I never give heed or pay attention).

BTW - My slideshow is near the bottom if you don't want to read any of this fried froth. 

We stayed at Ocean Riviera Paradise, an all-inclusive resort. The beach was incredible. The first two days were surreal with crystal clear turquoise water. We Kayaked in the ocean, para-sailed and snorkeled.  While snorkeling, I came upon a school of fish that must have been in the thousands. If you'd just float, they would encircle you and it was absolutely beautiful to be surrounded by them. Later, we visited the Tulum Ruins and Xel-Ha park, and did cliff diving, an obstacle course, lazy river and snorkeled in the natural aquarium created by the seashore. Can't recommend it all enough. Outstanding. Vacation.

Of course, everything I just said is pseudo corporate propaganda. Now, my Horcrux will give you the uncensored takes on the rest of this trip.

• Fairly international crowd. Plenty of Americans but many visitors from all over the world. Created an interesting scene and way more Speedos on dudes than I would have liked. Also, many of the women there rocked the thong or g-string look and were surprisingly able to pull it off (although many didn't). My group seemed like a wandering Mennonite faction on vacation. Usually when I go to the beach its a reminder why most of us cover-up. But kudos to this crowd, they made me feel like crap. 
• All Inclusive resorts mean all food and drink are included with the cost of your stay. Unfortunately for those of us who don't do alcohol, I think I must have SORELY overpaid as liquor is usually the priciest thing on the menu. The food was surprisingly good with seven themed restaurants and was way better than the "Frat-style" all inclusive place I stayed at in Cabo which was mostly just about the drinks. The best was the incredulous reactions from the staff when you tell them you don't want Alcohol. I mastered the art of asking for drinks without booze. My favorite was the virgin mint mojito. 
• Be prepared to tip. A TON.  I haven't carried that much cash since my college days. Make it rain baby!!! 
  
• Dollars. In my dry climate, they just seem like paper, down there, they feel like wet cloth. Nothing like sweaty cash soaking a spot in your pocket. 
• Don't drink the flipping water. This includes ice.  The cliche is absolutely true. Fortunately, I got sick on the last day and didn't destroy the plane, but I'm now on day 3 of a stomach virus and I've lost any weight I gained... the hard way. IT BURNS!!! I think I got it from fruit or some salad, but what's done is done. Mexico giveth, and taketh away. 
• If you go in May, prepare to sweat. Constantly. I'm not a humidity person and I tried to enjoy it for what it was, but I was ready to come home to my dry climate and continue my wrinkly ways. 
• Pepsi Light is a sad replacement for Diet Coke. Don't even think about Diet Dew. The room service though I was strait insane when I asked for 4 Pepsi Lights to be delivered to my room. "No Tequila? No Beer?" The guy was stunned and just laughed the whole time. 
• The Breakfast of Champions? All-Bran with shredded coconut. The rest including the omelettes were too greasy. 
• The A/C in your room becomes this wonderful arctic lair to retreat to. I was actually relieved I need to get some work done here and there and hang out in the room. 
• I suck at sunbathing. I can't get an even tan (burn) and people just laugh when they see me with my shirt over my face like a dead beached whale. 
• Thanks to everyone being nearly naked, you feel like a perv just walking around. I can't seem to escape that creepy-middle-aged dude aura. 
• Mexican TV is utterly terrible. What can I say more? 
• By the end, I couldn't help the compulsion to speak in Spanglish constantly. I couldn't stop it until today. I'm like Buzz Light-year on Spanish mode when I go down there. I need Ramses or professional help. 
• This region is well known to spring breakers for wet t-shirt competitions, etc. I was hoping to find a dad-bod competition I could win. I currently have the perfect ratio of man-boob to gut and I know I would have nailed it. But apparently, its not a thing down there. And yes, Dad Bod is legit and some women love it: 

DAD BOD IS FOR REAL 

The best part about this trip? I feel totally refreshed. Curly from City Slickers was full of crap with this quote: 

“Y’all come up here about the same time with the same problems. You spend 50 weeks a year getting knots in your rope and you think 2 weeks up here will untie them for you. None of you get it.”

My Dwight side says - False. I do get it. My one thing Curly?

After working my tail off for a month prior to the trip, non-stop laziness was perfection. It also helps to have a Boss that does all of the planning. Division of Labor. Feeling it. All things circular.

If you read this far, you must be my mom, blood or one of the Mennonites that were there.

Or you could be suffering from the same diarrhea and have nothing better to read during your throne time. If that is the case, I feel your pain, but don't let it stop you from going back. Here are some photos from the trip:

The Vacation of Champions

As you know I avoid putting names on this blog so ask me on the side if you want to know who these lovely pale people are. Until next time, Via con queso!!

P.S.

"I told him I did not know what they called it, but I would give it a name; I will call it fried froth, or philosophy, just which you please." - Brigham Young