Worst Grief Video EVER

One of the reasons I love hair metal is the awkwardness of it. Below is a prime example. It could be the worst grief video ever. Period. The end. (The corporate punk sell-outs at Youtube won't let me embed it so you'll have to break a finger and click on the link):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NF_-_MVfFiw

At least Coldplay got the grieving video right. Check it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V3Kd7IGPyeg

I think I'd like to see an entire film done backwards. If you have any recommendations, please share.

BTW - Kip Winger "supposedly" went to my middle school. My science teacher told a girl we have the desk he sat in encased in glass sealed up in the basement. Perhaps I'll make it my own Mission Impossible stunt to break into the basement and heroically turn the desk over to the hair metal preservation alliance... unless the teacher was only joking, but who would do such a thing???

Stepping up to the Plate

A good friend of mine graciously invited me to sample some fantastic food and take in a great Rockies game last night. While at the game, the subject of theme music before stepping up to the plate came up. Naturally 80's hair metal came up in my mind. I've been told that I'm a wishy-washy indecisive person, so I have made my final pick. However, I have 4 alternates waiting. Here is my list:

1. Whitesnake - Here I go Again
2. Judas Priest - Turbo Lover
3. Enter Sandman - Metallica
4. Check Yo Self - Ice Cube
5. The Power - Snap

Of course, I started thinking about lame songs to walk up to as well:

1. Hit me baby one more time - Brittany Spears
2. Vogue - Maddona
3. Lovefool - The Cardigans
4. Hangin' Tough - New Kids on the Block
5. Copacabana - Barry Manilow

Of course I have to give Jake his due, with one of his choices: I'm Too Sexy - Right Said Fred. My top pick is in the player on the left. Rock on.

Dear John

Many moons ago, I vented all of my anger about Brett Favre's return to football. I stand by everything I said last time: http://fletchword.blogspot.com/2008/08/man-crush.html. However this time something is missing. John Madden.

Yes, Mr. Madden had perhaps the greatest man crush of all time on Favre. I think it is only appropriate that he commemorate Favre's return by un-retiring himself and getting behind the mic again to drool all over the object of his desire. Here is a classic demonstration of the Man Crush:

So I'm now offering up the anti-Dear John to John: ... come back. We love you. Brett needs you. You need each other. Here is one more clip just for grins and the good times:

Impending Doom with Quotes

Perhaps you felt a chill this evening. Tonight I witnessed a truly horrific sight. The end of all things... Broncos. As I knew them. Did you know that no other franchise has won more games over the last 25 than the Denver Broncos other than the Pittsburgh Steelers? As a fan of the Orange Crush, 4th Quarter miracles and two redemptive Super Bowl victories, I have been nourished. But now the famine begins and I cannot drink my salty tears.

Kyle Orton is an abomination and desecrates the field of battle every time he dons a Broncos uniform. The two moments I tuned into tonight's preseason game, I was treated to interceptions. Like a two merciless nails being slammed into my coffin of childhood faith. Here is my lament, borrowed from a poet:

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message The Broncos are Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

Football was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever; I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one:
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods:
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

BRING WOOD AND OIL!!! I will now light myself on fire (again). You can listen to my death lament song Adagio for Strings in the player on the left to help the grieving tears flow.

Quotes - Within my family to understand our language one must speak in "quote" (the pun was intended). Thanks to the astonishing miracle of the Internet, I've been able to compile a few favorites on the left for your minor edification and entertainment. May they bring sense, reason and humor to daily life as they continually do mine.

Bandwagons & Babylon

I think I have a diagnosis for the sickness of American culture. I call it "Bandwagon Syndrome." Of course not everyone jumps on every bandwagon that passes and there are plenty of weirdos out there that could use a trip on a normal bandwagon. What I'm really saying is that bandwagons are a tool of the great Satan Corporate America to enslave us and blind our eyes to the truth. Bandwagons = Babylon.

I'm happily guilty of riding on several bandwagons lately: The Denver Nuggets, the Twilight SAGA, the Harry Potter SAGA, Gorilla Diets, Facebook and Yanni. Yes, Yanni was for real.

Twitter is the latest fad to hit mainstream America with disturbing acceptance. To battle this new virus I'd like to share THE AGITATIONIST'S 15 Reasons Twitter Must Die: http://agitationist.com/15-reasons-twitter-must-die

If you don't read the article, it can be summed up as "Twitter is just another tool to replace the voices in your head, ignore your soul-crushing job, and numb you to the yawning chasm of emptiness that is your life."

GET UP!!! - I'm convinced the key to productivity lies in getting up early. Which is nearly impossible for me. Why? Because I'm a night owl watching movies, reading books or running my mouth in a social gathering. Many cite the Lord being an early riser: Mark 1: 35, Luke 21: 38, John 8: 2, John 21: 4 as reason for getting up early. Clearly I need to depart the ways of Babylon to get on track. If I became an early riser, I would be more effective at work, exercising and daily worship. So, here and now I commit to going to bed on time so I can stop being such a worthless slacker.

Road Trip Part Deux

The second half of my summer vacation has come and gone. It was great to see the fam in So Cal. Here are some random thoughts:

• "Total Lobster Dude" - Since my time in the sun was limited, I decided to wear SPF 4 Hawaiian Tropics competition formula sunscreen to maximize my tanning moments. Yes it smells good, made me hungry for Pina Coladas, but an ultra white boy like me just can't do that much sun in two days. Back in the day, a friend of my sister's was awarded the title of "TOTAL LOBSTER" by some surfers in California. I now claim the title, but I'm too sore to lift my arms over my head.
• Beverage Destruction - Enchanted by the ineffective tanning lotion, I decided to make some triple extra virgin Pina Coladas. Ever since I paid through the nose for a mega-virgin $8 Pina Colada in Maui (with a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup on top), I've sought to re-create that amazing beverage again. However, this was a sad attempt my friends. My Pineapple juice was not sweet enough, the coconut milk came from a bad cow and I think the Beverage gods frowned upon the whole thing. Toward the end of blending, the machine groaning beneath the sickening foam gave up the ghost and broke. Others drank it to spare my feelings as I wallowed in deep virgin P.C. shame.
• Duex Mas - Never watch Lakeiew Terrace and Taken back-to-back. It will crush your spirit and fluffy bunnies. To be fair, Taken was a totally awesome movie. Qui-Gon Jinn as he was meant to be. Not since Commando has one man opened up a can righteous indignation with such ruthless results!!! [elbow smashing - YEAH!!]. Needless to say, late at night Julie will find me awake, staring into the mirror, while reciting:

"I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you."

• Captain Christopher Pike - This guy would make the best Priest's Quorum advisor ever...His speech to a wayward youth would go something like this: "Your old man baptized 50 people in Afghanistan. You could settle for less than a spiritual life. I dare you to do better. Enlist to serve a mission."
• The Historian - This has nothing to do with my road trip, but was a fantastic book about several historians searching for clues to find the real Dracula's tomb. I don't scare too much, but this one freaked me out a bit. Good suspense, interesting story. Check it out for an alternative to the "Edward, you are so dripping H-O-TT Hot!" Twilight stuff. BTW, is anyone left on Team Jacob?

Cheers to each and every one of you staying cool and having a great summer.