The Lana Zone

I used to watch Smallville, the story of Clark Kent (AKA Superman) on a regular basis. In this show, Clark is consistently pining over his childhood crush, Lana. She is wonderful, smart, sweet and innocent. All the good guys want to protect her and all the bad guys want to hurt her.

Gradually, the show looses sight of the "Hero" and becomes obsessed with Lana. She dominates the plot with 5 to 10 minute stretches of meaningless, tiresome and redundant dialogue... about feelings. Eventually, I joined the KILL LANA group hoping to remove her from the show so I could get my Man card back. Every time they pretended to kill her off, I rejoiced, only to have my hopes crushed when she kept retuning from the dead.

Women that annoy, die and return to life...

Smallville eventually fell of my radar due to the Lana syndrome. Ghastly piles of pointless, shriveled lip dialogue that only serve as filler material since special effects and plot are too expensive. That perfectly describes the last episode of Heroes, the show that replaced Smallville for me in the "comic book" department.

But alas, "All is not well in Zion." Heroes has a Lana. Her name is Claire Bennett. Here are the ways she takes us into the Lana Zone, where a good show become unbearable:

• "Save the Cheerleader, Save the World" - Yes every good guy wants to protect her and all the baddies want to kill her - cliche.
• Claire Bear is overly sweet and good intentioned like High Fructose Corn Syrup.
• Claire has issues with parents (real Dad AWOL), 2nd string dad works an odd job. Real Mom just got blown up, 2nd string Mom just admitted to having a crush on the Def Leppard bassist. None of them can make her happy. "I WANT AN UMPALUMPA NOW!!"
• She is constantly whining [peeling the skin off my body]
• Incessant speeches about trust, when she gives or inspires little of it.
• Always looking to prove herself and help people at her own peril, but just winds up in trouble, followed by more whining after being saved.
• Has a complex that her ultra cuteness is hurting people around her (yes the world does revolve around her -ugh).

Unfortunately, a show with the likes of Peter, Sylar, Nuclear Ted and Hiro Nakamura is constantly having its legs under-cut by a whiny, feelings obsessed brat. I have a confession to make: I skipped over every scene with Claire and Aqua-man last week and didn't feel like I missed anything.

This is still one of my favorite shows, but I'm not sure how much longer I can hang on. Therefore, I'm starting the DEATH TO CLAIRE BENNETT-PETRELLI CLUB!!!

[And there was much Rejoicing - yea...]

Like most activists, we'll just whine and chain ourselves to things in public, as we sing annoying songs. You came here for the good times and I deliver.