The Communal Bedroom

Growing up I don't ever recall crawling into bed with my parents. I'm sure I did, but my mother says my psychiatric trained father thought it would be "too stimulating." How's that to make your skin crawl? So naturally, you'd think the tradition continues and my kids don't climb into bed with me. Right? ...

Yes, a lot can come between you and your spouse.

I've heard KB Homes is considering changing the name of the Master Bedroom to something with less slavery or BSDM overtones. I would suggest, THE COMMUNAL BEDROOM.

So why do I have an 1800s log-cabin family bed arrangement? I come from a family that was systematically different from The Boss's. Here's what I mean. I grew up in a normal home and she came form a hippie log cabin. Science people and therapists make it sound more reasonable in the Circumplex Model of Marital and Family Systems. First there are levels of cohesion (closeness):

• Disengaged
• Separated
• Connected
• Enmeshed 

Next, families have various forms of flexibility (rules) within these systems:

• Chaotic
• Flexible
• Structured
• Rigid 

I know what you're thinking at this point, I'm trying to make some ridiculous D&D analogy like my family is Chaotic/Neutral or Lawful/Evil. http://easydamus.com/alignment.html. Of course the recent Dark Knight Trilogy has some excellent examples.

So basically our free-for-all in the bedroom is basically Chaotic Neutral. Flip a coin. One night I can cuddle with the wife and sleep undisturbed, the next I have two cats purring in my face with multiple kicks and punches to the head and ribs from two to three extra kids.

To understand where you came from and currently fall in the Circumplex Model of Marital and Family Systems, see the following matrix: 

Basically, I came from more of a Structurally Separated family and The Boss comes from a more Flexibly Connected family (notice how I picked two that are balanced mixes so I don't have to get hate email from either side of the family?). To The Boss, sharing a bed is a more flexible and enmeshed state of being which nurtures our children allows them to feel connected to us. This is why they literally flip out every time mom walks out the house. DON'T LEAVE!!!  I'm not even sure I looked at the door when my parents left.  But what else would you expect from a ferberized child with a rigid/separated style of bedroom living? More explanation below if you care to read. 

A Chaotic Neutral bedroom sounds pretty awesome if it were just me and The Boss. But the reality of a Chaotic Neutral family bed is a different story. Is this going to create problems for our kids? Who knows, time will tell. I'm not the person who makes the decision on this. I just work here.