Life During Home Renovation

This is your brain:

This is your brain on home renovations:

There are no questions.

Yeah, I'm that burnt out and the stench of it won't come out of my clothes and the basement.

Since this is all supposed to be funny 10 years from now, let's revisit a day from the Money Pit that would cause me to take a bath in kerosene and drop a match... Good thing I don't fit in our bathtub.

 

The Future of the Sword in America

As we approach TEOWTWAWKI the power of the sword will be felt. It may seem ludicrous, but as a NeoChristian nation, allow me to share some scriptural sword references that demonstrate why this magnificent change to one of our national symbols is bound to happen.



Doctrine and Covenants 6:2
Behold, I am God; give heed unto my word, which is quick and powerful, sharper than a two-edged sword (perhaps like a light saber?), to the dividing asunder of both joints and marrow; therefore give heed unto my words.

Alma 24:12
Now, my best beloved brethren, since God hath taken away our stains, and our swords have become bright (note the picture above), then let us stain our swords no more with the blood of our brethren.

Jeremiah 50:36
A sword is upon the liars; and they shall dote: a sword is upon her mighty men; and they shall be dismayed.

1 Samuel 25:13
And David said unto his men, Gird ye on every man his sword. And they girded on every man his sword; and David also girded on his sword: and there went up after David about four hundred men; and two hundred abode by the stuff.

Ezekiel 14:17
¶Or if I bring a sword upon that land, and say, Sword, go through the land; so that I cut off man and beast from it:

2 Nephi 5:14
And I, Nephi, did take the sword of Laban, and after the manner of it did make many swords, lest by any means the people who were now called Lamanites should come upon us and destroy us; for I knew their hatred towards me and my children and those who were called my people.

Ezekiel 5:12
¶A third part of thee shall die with the pestilence, and with famine shall they be consumed in the midst of thee: and a third part shall fall by the sword round about thee; and I will scatter a third part into all the winds, and I will draw out a sword after them.

Alma 17:37
But behold, every man that lifted his club to smite Ammon, he smote off their arms with his sword; for he did withstand their blows by smiting their arms with the edge of his sword, insomuch that they began to be astonished, and began to flee before him; yea, and they were not few in number; and he caused them to flee by the strength of his arm.

Helaman 13:5
And he said unto them: Behold, I, Samuel, a Lamanite, do speak the words of the Lord which he doth put into my heart; and behold he hath put it into my heart to say unto this people that the sword of justice hangeth over this people; and four hundred years pass not away save the sword of justice falleth upon this people.

Alma 44:12
And now when Moroni had said these words, Zerahemnah retained his sword, and he was angry with Moroni, and he rushed forward that he might slay Moroni; but as he raised his sword, behold, one of Moroni’s soldiers smote it even to the earth, and it broke by the hilt; and he also smote Zerahemnah that he took off his scalp and it fell to the earth. And Zerahemnah withdrew from before them into the midst of his soldiers.

Psalms 78:64
Their priests fell by the sword; and their widows made no lamentation.

Doctrine and Covenants 121:5
Let thine anger be kindled against our enemies; and, in the fury of thine heart, with thy sword avenge us of our wrongs.

Revelation 19:2
And the remnant were slain with the sword of him that sat upon the horse, which sword proceeded out of his mouth: and all the fowls were filled with their flesh.

Isaiah 2:4
And he shall judge among the nations, and shall rebuke many people: and they shall beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruninghooks: nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more.

Now that I've tricked you into 5 minutes of scripture study on swords, please share any new insights you now have about this scriptural chain and its implication for Zion in TEOWTWAWKI.

Top 20 Quotable Comedies

In case I die tomorrow I want my kids to know what movies made me laugh out loud. Comedies never seem to get ultimate critical praise and "great" movies are often judged by how often they make you come back for another viewing. For me, the most re-watchable movies are comedies and I practically live some of them by quoting them on a non-stop basis. Some films which are more crass than others rank lower as you can't quote them in many settings (if at all). One could say the quotability measures the greatness of a comedy. So with that in mind, I now give my top 20. But before I begin, I'll start with some honorable mentions:


Honorable mentions:
Anchorman
Austin Powers
Waiting for Guffman

20. Dr. Strangelove - No yelling in the war room! We must protect our bodily fluids...

19. Blazing Saddles - Badges? We don't need no stinking badges!

18. Clue - You see? Like the Mounties, we always get our man. / Mrs. Peacock was a man?

17. Airplane - Surely you can't be serious! / I am serious... and don't call me Shirley.

16. The 3 Amigos - Would you say I have a PLETHORA of Pinatas?

15. Fletch Lives - Look out you demons, DEMONS OUT!!!

14. Happy Gilmore - You like THAT old man? You want a piece of ME? / I don't want a PIECE of you... I want the whole THING!

13. Zoolander - I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is. / What is this?? A center for ants?!?

12. UHF - Lesbian Nazi Hookers Abducted by UFOs and Forced Into Weight Loss Programs... all next week on Town Talk!

11. The Princess Bride - It's possible, Pig, I might be bluffing. It's conceivable, you miserable, vomitous mass, that I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. But, then again... perhaps I have the strength after all.

10. Dumb & Dumber -  I'll tell you where. Someplace warm. A place where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I'm talking about a little place called Aspen.

9. Robin Hood (Disney) - SEIZE THE FAT ONE!!!

8. Spaceballs -  I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate. / What's that make us? / Absolutely Nothing!

7. Better off Dead - Two dollars! / I've been going to this high school for seven and a half years. I'm no dummy. / Now that's a real shame when folks be throwin' away a perfectly good white boy like that.

6. Ferris Buller's Day Off - Oh, he's very popular Ed. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies, dickheads - they all adore him. They think he's a righteous dude. / The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands. It's a good non-specific symptom; I'm a big believer in it. A lot of people will tell you that a good phony fever is a dead lock, but, uh... you get a nervous mother, you could wind up in a doctor's office. That's worse than school. You fake a stomach cramp, and when you're bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It's a little childish and stupid, but then, so is high school.

5. Napoleon Dynamite - Your mom goes to college / I see you're drinking 1%. Is that 'cause you think you're fat? /  It's pretty much my favorite animal. It's like a lion and a tiger mixed... bred for its skills in magic. / This is pretty much the worst movie ever made.

4. Monty Python & the Holy Grail - Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony. / What are you gonna do, bleed on me? / VICTORY IS MINE! / And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths, and carp and anchovies, and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit-bats and large chu... SHUT UP WILL YOU SHUT UP!!!

3. Nacho Libre - Did you tell them they were the Lord's Chips? / So, let's get down to the nitty-gritty / GET THAT CORN OUTTA MY FACE! / Maybe I am not meant for these duties... dead guy duty. / Just because I believe in science / Anaconda squeeeeze! / Sometimes when you are a man... you wear stretchy pants.

2. Fletch (I'm biased, but with excellent reason) -  Moon River! whew.. You using the whole fist, Doc? / John Cock... tos... ton. / Look, defenseless babies! / Can I borrow your towel for a sec? My car just hit a water buffalo. / Provo Spain? ... Utah. / I'll have a Bloody Mary and a steak sandwich and... a steak sandwich, please. / Tierra Del Fuego! Fletch stands 6-5, 6-9 with the afro!

1. Christmas Vacation - Hey Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big? / Is your house on fire, Clark? / Burn some dust here. Eat my rubber. / Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead? / Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving throughout the entire year. / RUSS!! - right here dad.