Rocky Balboa

It may have taken awhile, but I finally saw this movie. The first possible attempt was at Dan's "wild" bachelor party, but the Italian Stallion got denied for a healthy plate of Nacho Libre. Two weeks ago, I came home on a Friday night with the movie from Red Box and Julie laughed me to scorn. Rocky didn't get watched that night and I took him back the next day. However, last weekend while Julie and the girls went to So Cal, Rocky finally got his shot. So what did I think? First I have to give you some history and education.

Growing up as a kid the 80s, you watched the Rocky movies - and then tried to knock your buddies out in the basement. These were inspiration films. You got a crazy notion in your head that you could take 20 clean shots to the face and keep fighting. You wanted to lift weights, go running and become a champion. You thought you could do anything, even end the Cold War.

I used to have a tape of Rocky quotes that Linnie and I would listen to at UNC. "Clubber Lang is in there he's trying to hit you! He's trying to hurt you Rock! - He's hookin, he's hookin, he's hookin! DAMN ROCK COME ON! [tomorrow, let's do it tomorrow] THERE IS NO TOMORROW! THERE IS NO TOMORROW!!

And how about the music? Eye of the Tiger, Gonna fly now, Training Montage, War, the fight music. My blood gets boiling just thinking about it.

Clearly these films embody some the best cinematic moments of my childhood. So back to Rocky Balboa. I heard it was a good movie. Had a good message, but I had no high hopes. First thing off in the movie, I realize it has been a while since I've seen Sly on the screen and he looks OLD. A couple minutes later, they do a close-up on his face. All I can think is Botox and Meg Ryan. Then, I notice the crow's feet by the eyes. Normal right? I don't have anything against crow's feet, but when an eyebrow is painted over them, then I have problems. I think there is a strain of OCD that runs in my family and I could not ignore the painted eyebrows. The fact that they went down to the corner of the eye was flat-out disturbing along with the overall botox feel that his face had. I know this sounds heartless, cold and cruel, but I've never seen an action hero look like this before and it made it very difficult to enjoy the film. I guess I'm cheap, vain and don't value my elders or I'm afraid of aging myself. You have to give Stallone credit, he was in good shape for this movie. And one more thing - his son was as awful in this movie as he as in Rocky V (which doesn't exist). Overall, this movie does the usual Rocky thing, drama, training and the fight. There are some good speeches about following your heart, being accountable to yourself, etc.

What about the boxing and training? The film's catalyst is a simulated ESPN fight between Rocky and the current modern champ Dixon "the line" something. (Ooooohhh) Rocky wins (making Dixon furious), and when the current champ hears that Balboa is interesting in fighting again he asks for an exhibition match - which in Rocky IV land means "death match." Rocky trains with Pauly and Duke, where they focus on strength training, thinking the only chance Rocky has is to KO the champ before going too many rounds. The usual training music is there, but it just made me miss the old sequences from I through IV. Fight was good, but the sound effects on the punching were too real. I wanted to hear those huge "BIFF! SMACK!! WHTHOCK!!" sounds that made you want to growl for joy like Mickey. Still a great fight, but not in the class of I-IV.

Aside from the eyebrows, the other errie thing about this movie is that it parallels the actor's own life so well. Frankly, I felt pity for him. Its almost like the movie should have been titled, "Sylvester Stallone." It felt like the whole film was Sly pleading, "I'm still relevant, my career isn't dead, I'm moving forward and you should too." Perhaps he should have just redone his speech that ended the Cold War, "If I can change, then you can change. EVERYBODY CAN CHANGE!!!" - Well Stallion, "I DON'T WANNA CHANGE! I LIKE WHO I AM!! I'M BORN WITH A KILLER INSTINCT YOU JUST CAN'T TURN OFF AND ON LIKE SOME KINDA RADIO. WE HAVE TO HAVE A REAL ACTION HERO, BECAUSE IF THE WARRIOR CAN'T FIGHT THEN THE WARRIOR MAY AS WELL BE DEAD STALLION! Now I'm asking you, as a fan... please retire into the sunset with dignity. Don't make us go through this again."

Age in "Real People Years"

As some of you are aware, I recently left my young and vigorous 20's to reach the ripe age of 30. Yes, three decades of lame techno music, hair-metal, Broncos, 1,001 weird nick-names, no broken bones (knock on wood), no stitches (KOW again), K-12, little league, weight lifting, mission to Boston, 4 colleges, 1 hot wife, 2 adorable kids, one fat mortgage, valuation dreams, tinted windows, butt-loads of chocolate and tons movie quotes. Despite all of this frivolity that would serve to preserve my youth like salt to a great hunk of meat (which I am), I have aged prematurely and am well beyond my actual age in "Real People Years".

I was married at the maverick age of 22, a cradle robber, who used all of his powers of persuasion, charm and animal magnetism to wed the 19 year old blond-bomb-shell Julie of San Diego. At the robust age of 24, a brazen stork came crashing through my living room window and delivered a 9 lb. 11 Oz. Lizard into my life. At that moment, my place on the space time continuum was altered. My theory is that I instantaneously transfered to the age of 30 when that happened. Now how could I support such a cocka-mamia theory?

Dr. Dating recently revealed on a morning radio show that most people in their 20's forsake romance and love for education and career (and let's not forget almighty travel - which always seems to be a fantastic reason to delay marriage, kids, etc). In their 30's many people of my generation find love and family and spend their 40's trying to reconcile their 20's and 30's. As I was saying, at 24, I was robust. Then I had my first kid and gave up the roaring 20's for family life doubled with career aspirations. I was doing the 40's thing, trying to reconcile family, career and romance all at once. Therefore, I conclude the effective age of my life at the time of the birth of my first child near the middle of the decade range (2o's to 40's) at 30.

So when you ask if I feel older, I say yes, because my effective age in "Real People Years" is now 36. But don't cry for me Argentina. In the words of the great singer Frank Sinatra:

Ive loved, I've laughed and cried.
Ive had my fill; my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.

To think I did all that;
And may I say - not in a shy way,
No, oh no not me,
I did it my way.

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows -
And did it my way!