Nostra-Fletch-a-Damus

ITS PREDICTION TIME!!!! Remember Nostradamus? Well, today I have been transformed into Nostra-Fletch-a-Damus. I recently read the Alchemist - so I now know all about how to predict the future, make gold out of lead, and have eternal life from the Sorcerer's Stone. Yes, that picture on the left basically looks like me today as I gaze into the future.

To start off... yes, I amazingly picked the teams that made it to the Final Four. Not many have the sheer audacity to pick all 1 seeds, but I did. However, yesterday I was punished by the future as both N. Carolina and UCLA lost - BADLY. Rendering my bracket, bloody and cold on the hardwood. So how could I bounce back from such a staggering defeat? Make more predictions. After all, I am now Nostra-Fletch-a-damus. So here we go:

1. Memphis will win the Men's NCAA title game. Why? They are hecka talented (that means Mad-Skillz), and Kansas always chokes it away. Plus it looks like Kansas peaked too soon. Just a hunch, but I'm fully prepared for vindication on April 7th.

!Brace yourself for my following BOLD prediction!

2. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - will be a disappointment. The other day, I was in Albertson's looking at a box of Cocoa Krispies and began staring at the IJ4 promo. Harrison looked old, made-up and fake. Essentially - NO MOJO. And Sheela La Boouf with that pitiful moustache? NO. And let's not even get into Marion, who is back to reprise her role from the Lost Ark. One might say: " But DUDE, the trailer looks awesome!" - So did the trailer for the Phantom Menace and look how that turned out. Which brings me to my next point.

George Lucas, the destroyer of cool stuff and master of awful dialogue is about to wreck yet another classic. HOW?? He's one of the principal writers!! (yes, check IMBD if you don't believe me). One might counter: "He's not doing the screenplay and he's not the only writer" OK. Might hold up if he were not an EXECUTIVE PRODUCER. As we all found out with Star Wars, Lucas does what he wants and things always get done his way when his $$ is on the line. No other screenplay dudes or writers will sway him. "I have a bad feeling about this..." BUT WAIT! Almighty Spielberg is directing! Surely he can save this from George? Unfortunately, no. Some of you may have forgotten that he CRIED after Revenge of the Sith. Yes, Stevie will not have the guts to tell George - "That's the stupidest line I've ever heard!"

So who can save this film from being a colossal big let down? HAN SOLO. Harrison may be able to tell Steve and George - "I won't say that" - but his efforts will probably amount to what Liam Neissen did in the Phantom Menace. I just hope Harrison takes out the ear-ring.

Hedging the bet - OK this may be a great movie. And I don't think it will be bad, it will simply be a letdown. So look for me in line opening day, as I'm a sucker for the great things of the 80s and can't help myself. After all, Steve and George are banking on it.

3. Garth Brooks will make a comeback. - But this time not of his own volition. How will it come about? According to Wikipedia, Garth has an exclusive contract with Wal-Mart. He said he won't record again until 2015, but that won't be soon enough for the corporate Behemoth. They will use their Chinese contacts to secretly kidnap Garth, haul him off to China and torture him with videos of gansta rap until he succumbs and returns to the US to record an album. Because he will be scarred from all that that gangter rap, he will become the first country star to begin rapping his lyrics, use the screeching record sound and take country music to urban pop heights previously thought impossible. And making Wal-Mart $BILLIONS$... at low volume prices. Yep, you heard it here. Remember this day...

4. Justin Timberlake will have an affair with Madonna and dump her, finally breaking her financial will to make music and thus finishing off her career. All I have to say about this - Justin has finally met a situation where he cannot bring "sexy back"

5. LOST [Pounding Sound] - Here is what will happen ultimately in this show. Jack and Kate with the help of Ben and Sayid will break into Faraday's Oxford lab and take 3 super-humans who can see dead people, travel through time and dodge bullets back to the island for VENGEANCE. There they will use all of the ancient Dharma fortresses to defeat the monster and the evil corporate Mr. Widmore. John Locke will die in the process while using all his powers granted by the Island. Ben will be killed by his own greed and fall into a pit of Lava like Gollum.

In the aftermath, scientists will go to the island and discover the cure for cancer, the ability to render all atomic bombs useless, and how to time travel back to previous days in a person's life. But the most stunning result will be the key to picking lottery numbers. Once this happens, people will win the lotto so much that it will be closed. As the real source of public school funding, the educational system will collapse, the rising generation will become cannibals; and consequently, not solve global warming and the earth will be flooded by icebergs. Then Kevin Costner's vision of Water World will become a reality. I don't remember how that movie ended (because I shut it off) so you'll have to tell me how it ends. (I'm amazed you read this far....)

6. 2008 NBA Champions...THE SAN ANTONIO SPURS!!! [collective anguished screaming] Yes, I hate to think of it, but TBF (the Big Fundamental) and Co. are just too tough in the playoffs. Here's why:

Rockets - No Yao. Lakers - not mean enough. Utah - can't win on the road. Dallas - can't beat a winning team. Hornets - too young, not enough post-season experience. Suns - Shaq will be a liability. Nuggets - not making the playoffs. Warriors - not playing Dallas every series. Pistons - lost eye of the Tiger. Cavs -Bron-Bron can't carry EVERYTHING. Celtics - the Universe/Karma it against that town (sorry Big Ticket). Rest of the east? JOKE. So who does that leave? The team hardly anyone wants to see win again. And that's why it will happen. Let us all lament the poor ratings in the finals and apathy that will be shown toward the game. At least some people in France and Argentina will rejoice - that AMERICANS ARE SUFFERING. Sad, but it will be true.

7. John McCain will become our next president - AND DIE. How? B.O. (Barak Obama) will win the Democratic nomination. Hillary will be so incensed that she'll put a hit out on B.O. and have him killed in October 2008. Al Gore will try to swoop in, but too late. Hillary and Bill will go to minimum security prison and proceed to have orders put out to poison McCain by degrees until he dies of what appears to be natural causes. This will leave McCain's VP in power. But who will it be???

8. Arnold Schwarzenegger will become President. I know - Schwarzenegger is blocked by Article 2, Section 1, Clause 5 of the Constitution. It reads, "No person except a natural born citizen ... shall be eligible to the office of president." The 12th Amendment says the vice president cannot be foreign-born.

But would you have believed 10 years ago that Arnold would become the "Govenator"? It seems Arnold manages to achieve his goals regardless of the odds. Perhaps an amendment to the Constitution would be approved for Arnold. But this has a deeper implication.

If Arnold rises to the presidency, he could be: THE ANTICHRIST.

Don't believe me? Check this out:

http://www.scatteredsheep.com/perilous_times/antichrist/schwarzenegger/arnold_schwarzenegger.htm

So basically, my final prediction is that Arnold is the Antichrist. I challenge you to begin opposing him now, even though doing so will likely result in your death. Perhaps you are now wishing you didn't ready my blog, because you are now accountable for the knowledge of the future you have gained from me. Sorry. Its tough to be one of my very, very few readers. Have a nice day and enjoy the future I have painted for you.