That's right, I need a "Daddy Fix-up" for all of the damage having children has done to my body. This would include long hours at the office indicating no social life, poor diet resulting in morbid obesity, not enough sleep rendering me incoherent, hair loss due to stress, IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) and driving a mini-van.
And a bunch of Steaks for $55 is supposed to make it all better???
This is why America is falling apart. We've lost sight of making Fathers feel special by giving them cheap stereotypical gifts like red meat, ties and watches.
The rising generation of men don't even wear ties or watches anymore!!! The new look is a suit sans tie. We get no thought, no respect.
Instead of these lame gifts, just give men what they want! TOTAL CONTROL WITH NO ACCOUNTABILITY OR RESPONSIBILITY. It can be summed up in the I'm Never's of Manhood. This means:
- I'm never doing the dishes
- I'm never changing diapers
- I'm never driving a mini-van
- I'm never assembling toys again
- I'm never watching HGTV or Lifetime
- I'm never going to eat pitiful sized portions
- I'm never cleaning the house
- I'm never saying I'm sorry or I'm wrong
- I'm never dealing with children under the age of two
- I'm never spending my money on anyone but me
- I'm never coming home unless I feel like it
- I'm never asking for help, directions or opinions
- I'm never apologizing for bodily functions
If Mom gets breakfast in bed, surely we can allow ALL the above for a Dad on Father's day! (of course that renders all of the never's void, but whatever).
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
4. Men are very confident people. Guys are so confident that when they watch sports on television, they think that if they concentrate they can help their team.
5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
16. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
17. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
18. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
19. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
20. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
21. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
23. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
24. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
25. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
26. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
