Fantasy Geek

This is what I just posted to my ESPN Fantasy Football League as a form of SHEER INTIMIDATION. Eat your heart out Terry Tate!

The Gloves are Coming Off

Posted: Aug 29, 12:48 AM

I just figured out how to do the auto-pick strategy.

I won't even begin to tell you guys about how much my Dungeon Master hated me once I figured out how to throw a throw a 20-sided die with enhanced dexterity.



Once I find a auto pilot for trades, bye weeks and everything else, I'll be on a roll.

Treasure in Heaven

I came across this video a few weeks ago and I've gone back to it several times to watch with my kids and family. It presents the story of John Tanner financially saving the Kirtland Temple and his critical support to the Kingdom in the early days of the church.

 

Most days I'm trying to make as much money as possible for my own family's needs and security. I gladly pay tithing, fast offerings and make other donations monetarily and with personal service. But after watching this I truly reached a deeper appreciation of the faith the early Saints had to place everything on the altar for God. I think my favorite part of the video was seeing Joseph's gratitude or a reflection of the Lord's appreciation when we give our all in His service with no thought of reward.

Phyllis Wisdom

This is very random, (surprise) but after hearing about Phyllis Diller's death today, I decided to look up some of her great quotes / one-liners. Here are eight pearls of wisdom:

1. A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. 
2. Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off. 
3. I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. 
4. My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. 
5. My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me. 
6. The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. 
7. We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
8. Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. 

Of Guns and Donuts

Yesterday I indulged in two of the greatest and most lethal freedoms available in America... AT THE SAME TIME.

But before I elaborate, its important to know the history of great combinations. Many years ago in a fictional place, a strikingly profound question was asked of a total Meat-head:

 

Since I'm not in the pillage and conquest business, instead of crushing and lamentation, I now turn to the modern-day equivalent: Shooting Guns and Eating Donuts.

This really is just about what it looked like.

Like their predecessors, both involve death, or at least the possibility of death, which is a MUST for a real man to be interested. Stoners and pot-heads dream of sticking it to the man with music and drugs (Oooooo). Hard-working men born of American spirit stick it not to some scary rich white-guy, but the Grim Reaper himself and defy his hold on their lives by shooting mountains of ammunition and eating copious amounts of donuts.

So I now answer for Conan and all men in the real, modern world:

"TO POUND YOUR DONUTS AND FEEL THE THUNDER OF THE AMMUNITION!"

The Dark Side

It is with DEEP SHAME I admit I had not seen this until a few seconds ago. Thank you Shaunz.



I have to admit this guy does have some bizarre comedic talent.


Enough with the sports so boring we can only stand them once every four years... GIVE ME SOME FOOTBALL!!!

The Dark Knight Rises

I reside in the Denver area and although no one I know was affected by the horrific shooting in Aurora on 7-20-12, I've felt emotionally drained since Friday. My heart broke for those people and their families. Killing innocent people in such a vulnerable, relaxed and altered state of reality struck me as a supreme act of evil. In a selfish way, I wish he had just killed himself before being apprehended to end the affair quickly and allow people to heal. But now his existence, trial and the political intrigue will continue to fester in the wound for years to come. To be perfectly honest, it made me feel like asking God to speed up His timeline, return and put us out of our misery... I'm starting to sound like Rā's al Ghūl?

Confident this was a single indecent by one mad-man, I pressed on with my plans to see the movie last night. I thought I would keep one eye on the exit door the entire movie, but it was that good that I hardly glanced at it once or twice.

The plot of this film is fairly intricate and no point in me trying to re-hash it here. I was concerned going in that Anne Hathaway would be ridiculous as the Cat Woman since I'm used to her as more of a cutesy, girl/rom-com actress. But I think she pulled it off quite well. The usual stars such as Bale, Cain and Oldeman are so good you almost take them for granted. Newcomers such as Tom Hardy (Bane) and Joseph Gordon Levitt (Blake) were also solid performances. 

Of course Nolan and his team did tremendous work. Its a very well produced film in terms of costumes, special effects and music from Hans Zimmer. I'll probably go back to see the IMAX version for those reasons alone. This movie hits many of the right notes and I enjoyed the story arc. 

1. Batman Begins - Fear/Power
2. The Dark Knight - Anger/Chaos
3. The Dark Knight Rises - Letting go/Moving on 

Fear and power will breed anger and chaos, but ultimately to find real peace, we have to let go and move on. As a father, I could sympathize with Alfred in this film and some of his lines nearly put me to tears. How long can you watch your child or someone you love go on in misery? Batman's character is someone who is "angry in his bones" and wears a mask to hide it. Easier to embrace the power of anger and death than the fear of forgiveness and love. I thought the ending of this trilogy was excellent and gave closure to not just Batman but the whole cast... and of course left the door open for more. But its not what you'd think and I would actually really like to see where it could go from here. New Territory!  

Its an incredible movie, that just happens to follow two of the best comic book films of all-time and perhaps expectations were too high. Here is my ranking of the trilogy.

1. The Dark Knight 
2. Batman Begins
3. The Dark Knight Rises

If you disagree, I'd love to hear your take as the lines are pretty thin. My primary reason was this last film seemed to suspend reality much more than the last two. 


Its sad to see this trilogy end. I wish they had made 10 of these and fully explored the story arc. Which brings me to a theory about mini-series for movies which I'll cover another day. And yes, I did shout for joy after The Man of Steel trailer, much to the theater's delight! And now I celebrate:

I now have my own permission to die.       

THE SINGULARITY & IMMORTALITY

This video was simply fascinating. As the Rooster said, "my death clock may become obsolete"


Here is another viewpoint that say the Singularity will not be immortality, but the death of us.


APPARENTLY ITS NOT SUCH A BAD THING TO BECOME A GOD MAKER ANYMORE. Thank you Mr. Kaku.

Lovely Still

This is a title that has been sitting in my Netflix Q for nearly a year and I finally got around to watching it. I'll say up front that I'm going to spoil this to death so read no further if you want to enjoy this film untainted by my comments.

I had no clue what this film was about. All I knew is that it centered around an older couple finding new love. One thing done so well in this movie is the depiction of joy and happiness in the discovery of a new relationship with almost no sexual overtones. It allows the viewer to see romantic friendship at a pure level with no strings attached. How wonderful it is to know someone wants to see you and be with you not because of how you look but for how you truly make them feel. That element of this film is rare in today's world and I think its important to see that when all of the physical is gone, something much stronger remains.

As the film progresses it became clear to me that the girlfriend (Mary) was really (Robert's) wife and he was suffering from amnesia. At this point the whole romantic friendship theme transitioned to remind me of our relationship with God.

Once, each of us knew and loved God as his child. We came to earth and by design, we forgot him. Yet He comes and knocks on our door and invites us to know him again. This movie made me realize that perhaps one of the greatest joys in this life is re-discovering how much He loves us. Despite our erratic behavior or the pain we may cause Him, He reaches out to us because He knows how utterly alone and miserable life is without him. At one point Mary exclaims "Can't you see that its you leaving me!?!" Ultimately, Robert is hospitalized and everyone tells Mary to give up. Yet she puts her ring back on, goes in and stays by Robert's side to the end.

Maybe I'm just a sucker for amnesia films, but I think they resonate with me because they speak to our intrinsic desire to be unconditionally loved. This film truly put me in a state of happiness nearly the entire running time and goes on the must see list for all couples into amnesia films. Its clearly not the Notebook and you won't feel compelled to fast forward certain scenes. If anything, you may want to linger on it longer like a good meal or conversation. Here is a fun clip from the movie.

The Amazing Spider-man Re-make!

I need to stop with MEMEs but whatever. 

I knew this was coming. The studio and all the paid hacks said "This movie is totally original and new."

Whatever.

Hollywood has now reached the low of remaking movies just 10 years after the original with barely a hint of plot change. This should be a disgrace right?

Wrong.

I really enjoyed this movie despite it being a COMPLETE RE-HACK of the 2002 film. First, here is a brief comparison:

2002 Toby McGuire - WUSS, can't stop crying and whining. Luke Skywalker in spandex. Kirsten Dunst - ANNOYING wet blanket girlfriend. Uncle Ben - Overly dramatic killed shortly after Spider-man slacks off. Still better than Uncle Owen in Star Wars.  Aunt May - 100 years old and guilt tripping Toby to tears. As if superheroes needed any extra guilt complexes. Plot - Bit by a genetically enhanced spider in a lab no kid would ever EVER get access to, our hero accidentally breaks the house, instantly knows Kung-Fu and uses new-found powers to avenge Uncle Ben. After the death of said Ben, he feels compelled to save the city from a crazed scientist that was initually friendly to him as a callow high school youth with a surprising MIT level understanding of science. The Oscrop scientist then goes nuts after being fired and slays his former employers. Next he decides to wreak havoc on the city. Final showdown involves removal of the spidey mask and a father figure dying and demanding a promise from Spider-man that he cannot keep.

2012 Andrew Garfield - Acceptable, seems sassy enough to fight foes and take a punch. Emma Stone - Fun to watch, seems much less cliched. Martin Sheen - funny, better dialogue, dies in almost the exact same way. I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE MYTHOS. ITS ONLY BEEN 10 YEARS CHANGE IT UP ALREADY. Sally Field - Peter's true Steel Magnolia. Forget the blood on your shirt! Where are my free range, corn bred organic eggs! I'm so mad I could hit someone!! BINGO. Nothing changes from 2002.

So why do I like this re-make better? NO TOBY, NO KIRSTEN. More humor and the STUPID promise crap is resolved before the end of the film.

Perhaps the best feature of this flick compared to the original and other superhero films? VULNERABILITY. Spider-man actually seems to have a limit as to how much of a beating he can take. And he does not heal like Wolverine so getting thrown through eight brick walls would not work in this movie. Of course he gets his butt kicked like all heroes in such a movie, but they had me believing the Lizard really could have bit his head off.

If anything it was fun to just keep score of how many things were almost identical to the original. In my mind, this is clearly the superior version of this particular movie and I recommend you go find out for yourself.   

Kenosha Pass

Yesterday was a Saturday I will always treasure. The Gator and I made a big road trip for work though Grand Junction and Montrose and on the way home capped it off with a 5.5 mile hike through some aspen woods at Kenosha Pass.

For those of you that don't know, my father died due to an accident on Kenosha Pass March 7, 1992, just three days shy of his 50th birthday. He was building a snow cave as part of winter surival training with the Boy Scouts on the annual Klondike Klonderee, which usually takes place at Kenosha Pass. This event features various Troops from the area competing in sledding races, winter survival techniques and snowshoeing.

I've never camped at Kenosha Pass and for years after my father's death I had no desire to see the place. But after 20 years and a wonderful email from my mother in March celebrating my dad's life, I felt a sudden desire to go there and see the area where the accident happened. It only seemed appropriate to take my only son with me. Even though Dad is gone, a part of him was there that day through me, my son and perhaps future generations yet to come. Next to the campground is the Colorado Trail, which we followed on this outing. Here is a breif description of the trail.

"The Colorado Trail is Colorado’s premier long distance trail. Stretching almost 500 miles from Denver to Durango, it travels through the spectacular Colorado Rocky Mountains amongst peaks with lakes, creeks and diverse ecosystems. Trail users experience six wilderness areas and eight mountain ranges topping out at 13,271 feet, just below Coney Summit at 13,334 feet. The average elevation is over 10,000 feet and it rises and falls dramatically. Users traveling from Denver to Durango will climb 89,354 feet." 

This truly is a beautiful hike and is easily accessible off Highway 285 about 1 hour from the C-470 beltway in Denver. The trailhead is right off the highway and parking lot and within moments you are instantly in a lush Aspen wood with wild flowers, which I think my Dad would appreciate. After a gentle 1 mile hike, through the aspens, the trail opens to a beautiful view of a valley and peaks in the distance. The day of our hike was a bit overcast due to forest fires. I'll admit, I had a bit of a lump in my throat initially on the hike, but once we got rolling I realized how grateful I was to be there with my own son enjoying nature together. Here is a slideshow.

   

And now onto a different subject with a different tone...

CONEY ISLAND BOARDWALK - BAILEY, CO

In the above slideshow you can see some photos of where we had dinner after the hike. For many a moon I've passed by this massive stucco hot dog and wondered if it was any good since it looks like a total tourist trap. If I were General Calrissian someone might yell at me:

No joke, it took 45 minutes to get food with 8 people in front of me. At 8:03 PM I was admitted to the register to order. at 8:18 with nearly 2 people looking at me for 15 minutes, someone came up to take my order. During that time, I realized this is one of the last places left in America where white kids under the age of 16 are still working and eating onion rings in front of the customers while they work. This place is a complete joke. Sub-par braut did not justify the wait. Apparently making milkshakes is the kryptonite of this place. The kids in front of me waited 15 minutes for theirs... BECAUSE IT WAS MADE FROM SCRATCH??? ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? HAVEN'T THESE PEOPLE EVER BEEN TO COSTCO!?!?!!? IT JUST HOT DOGS!!! PULL OUT SOME BUNS, SLAP A WIENER IN THEM AND YOU ARE GOOD TO GO!!!! 

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

How do you yell at some poor kid about the service when his father will likely belt him for it? Its almost genius. 

For more light reading on how much I despise waiting for food that will kill me:

http://fletchword.blogspot.com/2011/11/steak-n-shake-worth-wait.html 

FYI - I went to Wendy's in Conifer instead of getting a shake after what I saw there. It all took less than 45 seconds. After I paid at the first window, they were standing there at the next window ready to hand me my frosty. I narrowly escaped crying.

THANK YOU CORPORATE AMERICA! Family businesses operated by kids ARE A COLOSSAL WASTE OF AMERICAN TIME AND BLOOD. 

Rock of Ages

If you know me at all, you know I'm a huge hair metal fan. Teenage years filled with Def Leppard, Winger, Van Halen, G&R, Metallica, Whitesnake and Motley Crue practically broke my neck and my fingers bled on my air guitar. Naturally Rock of Ages was a must see event.

But I cannot recommend you see this film. However, here are some stupid comments that should not stop you from seeing it:

It was all just a bit too much "Broadway." I'm not a fan of bringing American Idol style singing to rock music. Only one man has ever done that right and NO; A-Lamb was not in this movie... although he would have been great.

Much of the lip syncing was slightly off or too obvious. Most of the scenes with Da Huff and classic 80s wuss guy did nothing for me. Overall, the music was fun and often clever with the story, although a little too "CUTE" for my taste as I love the angst and power of metal vocals. I'm sure I've posted this before but this is a good example of how to sing metal. NOT LIKE MARIAH CAREY. (skip fowrad to the 2 minute mark for full effect)

Alec Baldwin and Russel Brand were a good Broadway comic relief duo and Baldwin was truly that creepy old metal guy that probably raped an average of one groupie a week at his bar.

I know I'm complaining about a Broadway musical being too Broadway on the big screen, but I'd like to say I probably would have the same issues after paying $300 to see the play in person.

Best reason to see this movie? TOM CRUISE. His performace basically justified the whole thing. the codpiece, "Heyman" the monkey, it was all freakin hilarious.

But this movie honestly pushed PG-13 beyond my comfort zone. If I had more salt in me, I would have walked out. While I enjoy Yoga, Pilates and Planking upside down as much as the next man, I don't need 8 minutes of it in a strip club, even if the women keep their tops on. There is an entire Tom Cruise song that is basically 'singing sex' and let's just leave it at that. I know the point was to show how sex crazed the Rock scene was in LA, but either go NC-17 and leave me out of it or make it so I don't have to shower when I get home.

Despite the tone of this post, I tremendously enjoyed the movie but am sad to say I cannot tell you to go see it unless you want to check some things at the door. I seriously doubt this is a movie I'll ever watch again. In the meantime, here is a classic from DOKKEN that embodies the spirit of the movie and which I'm sure none of you have seen:

Amnesia Fails Against My Love

So I just finished watching THE VOW and had a very pleasant realization. First, I should say I'm usually a bit reluctant to watch anything under 30% on the tomato meter, but the plot interested me. What would happen if your spouse lost their memory of life until a month prior to meeting you? Could it all work again? Of course in this film its the man trying to win back his wife. But perhaps it would have been more interesting the other way around.

Since I don't have any idea what is going on in my wife's head [understatement], I can only put myself in the shoes of the amnesiac in this scenario. Indulge me as I re-write the story for my life.

• I go through a windshield due to a recklessly wild and passionate make-out session in an ice storm. (good start)
• I wake up in the hospital and see what I think is a female doctor (The Boss) and some nurse staring at me. The doctor has something about her, but I can't tell what it is. 
• The nurse says I've suffered an acute case of defenestration. 
• The last thing I can remember is being a lowly college student in Provo, stargazing out my window and playing that 80s song "I wanna know what love is" song over and over. 
• I look down at my body and see the young, robust man I thought I was is GONE.
• The nurse hands me a mirror...  Lamb Chops and bottom half of my goatee... GONE. 
• I see my face has aged terribly. Lack of a $120 nightly facial moisturizer, stress and excessive carbohydrates have ruined me... my hair line continues to recede and ear hairs are growing.
• I ask, "how old am I?"  - The doc replies with a grin that I'm 35, but I really think I'm 41 due to some age adjustment that I made up... my confusion only grows. 
• The nurse asks me if I can remember the accident.
• [Crickets] - As I scan my life I see myself wandering the concrete halls of UVSC, a sub-woofer, Maddona's Ray of Light CD and dodging a stalker that can bench press 500 pounds.
• A chill of horror sweeps over me as I put it together that my body and my memories are over 13 years off.
• Shaking my fist I silently ask: how could God do this to me? Now I'm middle aged, out of shape and working with half a brain.
• The despair of the moment nearly overpowers me; and then I notice the doctor is crying. 
• "What's the matter?" I ask.
• She looks at me and says you don't remember me? 
• Taking a smug page out of Obi-wan's book I politely reply, "Should I have?" 
• She says with a smile: I'm your wife. 
• I laugh and say, "Seriously? You're joking. This isn't some sort of prank?"
• "Yes, that's the sick kind of hospital we run here" replies the disgusted nurse and I realize its no joke.
• That vision of those blue eyes and flowing blonde hair is still married to this? 
• But... my youth is gone. I probably now like music that teenagers despise. I bet that even though I suck at golf, I play it just for the greenery, peace and quiet. I follow politics, read the business section and prefer wheat bread or maybe none at all? I probably even sound like my father when I yell at my kids. 
• If I don't accept that she is my wife... HOW IN THE WORLD COULD I EVER FIND SOMEONE LIKE HER IN MY CURRENT CONDITION? 
• And then sunlight bursts through the window of the room, illuminating her hair as she waves it in the sunlight and it hits me. You don't have to worry about it. That's my woman! 
• Despite whatever I've become, I'm the luckiest man alive and I shout out FETCH YES!!! HAHA!!!
• I rip the oxygen and IVs out of my nose and arms, hop up and down on the hospital bed like Tom Cruise and cry for joy as I run around the recovery center with my gown flapping open behind me. 
• The nurse turns to The Boss and says, "its still not too late to have him committed." [and scene]

OK. That's a bit overblown and it condensed a feature length film to a 10 minute YouTube clip.

But this movie made me realize how much more I like and love my wife today than when I first met her. If I truly woke up, remembered nothing and spent just 15 minutes with her, I would know right then what I knew on my first date with her: This is the other half of my soul. Its why silence between us is comfortable and time alone in her presence seems to slip away. I might not recall everything our life was to that point, but that connection will always be there. And here is the thought that really made me happy. If she can become so much more beautiful, lovely and challenging in 13 years; how much more will I love her in 30 million! It may sound ridiculous in those terms, but I'm starting to see how our marriage for time and eternity is such a tremendous blessing beyond description.  

Mr. Fox & The Wolf

I recently watched The Fantastic Mr. Fox with the kids and was impressed with a theme running through the movie of being a wild animal. Since I'm currently reading Wild at Heart, the point of the movie suddenly jumped out at me.

Mr. Fox was a happy Bachelor stealing chickens for a living. But upon being trapped with a wife and child (literally) he promises to give up his wild profession to become a newspaper man.



12 fox years later (2 human years) he is having a mid-life crisis and recklessly moves into a tree near some of the most dangerous farms in the valley. He forges a master 3-phase plan to reclaim his masculinity or wild side without his wife and child knowing. All goes well until the farmers track him down, shoot off his tail and force his family underground. At this point his wife asks him why he broke his promise to never steal chickens again (or be a real man) and he can only respond with, "because I'm a wild animal." She then points out you are also a husband and a father, and he has no further answer only to accept his actions will ultimately kill the family.

Up to this point, it would appear Mr. Fox's masculinity or wild nature have doomed him to failure. It doesn't seem right or fair since that is what nature designed him for. However, thus far he has only used his wild nature for selfish purposes.

Just as Mr. Fox is about to accept defeat and be killed by the farmers for the good of the other animals (a truly selfless act), he hears his son being attacked by Rat and uses his wild instincts for a good cause fighting to save his son. He then realizes its time for all the animals to shed their civilized nature (English names) and embrace their wild nature (Latin names and abilities) to beat the farmers. Mr. Fox co. then go onto rescue cousin Kristofferson, defeat the farmers and escape what seemed to be a hopeless situation.

Several times during the film, Kylie (the Opossum) mentions Wolves and Mr. Fox always stops in a dead panic saying he has a phobia of wolves. After their ultimate escape they encounter a wild wolf on the way back home. Mr. Fox tries to communicate with the wolf in English, Latin and French to no avail. All the wolf seems to understand is Mr. Fox raising his fist in a "fight the power" salute which he returns. Mr. Fox remarks with a tear in his eye, "what a beautiful creature" and they drive away. Here is the scene:



The wolf represents the wild side of Mr. Fox, out in the mountains that he was always afraid of because he never knew how to control it... until then. He realized using his wild instincts to fight for his family, rescue the captive, and liberate his people was good. The wolf does not speak any language because it represents pure instincts that need no language to function. Mr. Fox's encounter with the wolf affirms that down at his core, his wild heart is good and nothing to be ashamed of when used in the service of others.

Interestingly enough, cousin Kristofferson is an example in the film of a boy/man who has mastered his wild instincts and uses them for good or happy expression like jumping off the tree and making a perfect dive into the small pool.

All this stuff is great, but will young men pick up on it when watching the film? Obviously not on an analytic level, but their wild hearts will see a father who did wild things the wrong way and then embraced his wild side to help others. It models rejecting an incorrect use of masculine instincts and embracing them when called for. Great lessons for a young man to learn and a great excuse to re-watch this movie with your kids. Here is a good montage of being different which is another good lesson kids can get out of this movie.



Of course, I'll put down some thoughts on Wild at Heart when I'm done with the book.      

The Worthing SAGA

"For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things."

How do you write a science fiction novel that teaches this doctrine without anyone knowing? Read the Worthing SAGA to find out. I think half the fun of reading Card is to see how he manages to get doctrine across to the world like Seinfeld's wife puts broccoli into brownies.

This is the story of humankind spanning hundreds of worlds with a capitol planet like Coruscant (big city planet in Star Wars). A few humans have developed the power to read and explore people's minds, however they are tremendously feared and executed if discovered. One such boy has this gift/curse and the story chronicles his life and the downfall of several civilizations, brought on by ABNER DOOM.

But it gets better from the how-do-I-teach-LDS-themes perspective. Jason Worthing, the boy who can read minds has grown old and wants someone to preserve his story so future generations will know of his struggle for true happiness. With the help of a mysterious woman, they get Larid, a blissfully ignorant 14 year-old farm boy to write his story in the language of his people. The woman gives Larid visions or actual memories of Jason's life as if he experienced them himself. As the story of Jason unfolds, Larid learns to embrace the realities of life and is now ready to begin his own journey into the unknown.

Hopefully multiple things that I just said ring some Book of Mormon bells for you.

One of my favorite elements about a few Card novels is his use of people leapfrogging through time via hyperspace travel or in the case of this book, a drug called Somec. The elite of society are preserved through the centuries by waking for 1 to 2 months or sometimes weeks and then sleeping for five to 50 years so they can guide the rest of the pathetic human race to greatness. But is it really working or crippling mankind?

Once again, Card manages to have a vision of future technologies or ideas that in some cases have already become "reality" for us today. Overall, I really enjoyed the book and highly recommend it for your summer sci-fi pleasure.  

Snow White & The Hutsman

I consider myself a reasonably informed moviegoer, but not a professional critic. So when I'm watching a film and the literal expression "Wow, this script is kinda bad" goes through my mind, you know you have an awful movie on your hands. Where to begin?

The premise looked great. LOTR meets sappy fairy tail and puts some hair on its chest. RARRR. Charlize Theron wearing exotic costumes, taking milk baths and eating bird hearts. RARRR.

   

Thor fighting a Troll, swarthy Dwarfs, EPIC battle sequences and a 75 point white buck. WHAT WENT WRONG? THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE AWESOME!?

I shall now list the ways:

• Terrible dialouge
• Unimaginative script
• Kristen Stewart speaking
• Kristen Stewart wearing FULL plate armor? She couldn't lift a dutch oven.
• Kristen Stewart giving a Braveheart speech
• Thor not wielding a hammer at least once - Like Arnold's "I'll be back." Doesn't have to be major, just at least pick one up for a moment during the film. 
• Not giving women what they want - a little romance and prince charming or at least sexy Thor
• A paradise earth sequence on LSD.
• Ultimately an excuse for someone with a Charlize Theron fetish to dress her up in a bunch of bizarre outfits and be really mean to people.
• An ending sequence that almost made me scream. Its like they took one shot, no one could remember their lines, but they figured it was good and the poor editor had nothing to work with.
• OR MAYBE KRISTEN STEWART JUST CAN'T MAKE A MOVIE THAT ISN'T INCREDIBLY AWKWARD AND MAKES ME WANT TO RUN OUT OF THE THEATER WITH A BAG OVER MY HEAD. I SWEAR SHE IS GOING TO THE MOVIE PANTHEON HALL OF SHAME. 

I will give them credit for forming a shield wall and some cool special effects. And of course the scenes in the village where the people were so dirty I half expected some Monty Python & The Holy Grail lines... Bring out yer dead! Perhaps that saves the movie for some of the riff-raff. Whatever.

GO BACK TO YOUR SHANTIES!

Men Actually Give Birth!

I'm amazed in today's world that Groupon actually solicits business from women with the following:

That's right, I need a "Daddy Fix-up" for all of the damage having children has done to my body. This would include long hours at the office indicating no social life, poor diet resulting in morbid obesity, not enough sleep rendering me incoherent, hair loss due to stress, IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) and driving a mini-van.

And a bunch of Steaks for $55 is supposed to make it all better??? 

This is why America is falling apart. We've lost sight of making Fathers feel special by giving them cheap stereotypical gifts like red meat, ties and watches. 

The rising generation of men don't even wear ties or watches anymore!!! The new look is a suit sans tie. We get no thought, no respect. 

Instead of these lame gifts, just give men what they want! TOTAL CONTROL WITH NO ACCOUNTABILITY OR RESPONSIBILITY. It can be summed up in the I'm Never's of Manhood. This means:

• I'm never doing the dishes 
• I'm never changing diapers
• I'm never driving a mini-van
• I'm never assembling toys again
• I'm never watching HGTV or Lifetime
• I'm never going to eat pitiful sized portions
• I'm never cleaning the house
• I'm never saying I'm sorry or I'm wrong 
• I'm never dealing with children under the age of two
• I'm never spending my money on anyone but me
• I'm never coming home unless I feel like it
• I'm never asking for help, directions or opinions
• I'm never apologizing for bodily functions 

If Mom gets breakfast in bed, surely we can allow ALL the above for a Dad on Father's day! (of course that renders all of the never's void, but whatever). 

And now I give you 26 politically incorrect facts about men.     

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

4. Men are very confident people. Guys are so confident that when they watch sports on television, they think that if they concentrate they can help their team.

5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.

10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."

14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

16. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

17. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

18. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

19. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

20. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

21. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.

23. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

24. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

25. Men forget everything; women remember everything.

26. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.

Splitting Your Soul - Preached from the Pulpit!

For some of you this post may be difficult to read because like Hairless Potter, you don't want to become HE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED. 

If so, stop reading now; but I assure you the damage is already done. Take your blue pill and go home. 

But for the rest, I've found proof of this blog's power as a Horcrux (http://fletchword.blogspot.com/search?q=the+truth+about+this+blog) preached from the Pulpit at BYU. Listen to the magic of Sister Jensen's words:

 In very real ways, communication technologies allow us to project our bodies (or our souls) across vast geographies. The very nature of “our presence” is rapidly changing and expanding. As with all things here in our second estate (see Abraham 3:26), there are some spiritual disadvantages of these new abilities that stand in opposition to their obvious rewards. 

Please know that I am not speaking of theoretical or metaphysical notions. Rather, I am speaking of very practical and actual effects that I know you and I have experienced. For example, my texting or emailing before and even during a devotional has an effect on my presence here. My iPhone enables me to divide my presence. While I might be seated here, part of my attention—part of my soul—is back at the office, where the concerns of the email I am reading are properly housed. Another part of my soul is in the company of the person I am texting—inevitably miles away from the location of my ears. Such a disbursement of my soul has prevented me on occasion from participating in a devotional with my complete presence, and I have learned that receiving a message through the Spirit is dependent upon my willingness to listen to that message with my whole soul. http://speeches.byu.edu/reader/reader.php?id=13787&x=57&y=4 

However, I am curious to hear what some of you (the three of you) think on this subject. Are you really splitting your soul temporarily when making a long distance phone call, face time, texting, etc? Does it require your live attention for the split to be real? Or would home movies and photos, etc. not count? And am I going to be the next Super-Villan to SCORPIO and his sub-nemesis Albus Severus Potter?

Just Get Over it Ma'am

Today we had the front lawn sprinklers fixed. During dinner, the sprinkler guy poked his head in the door to announce something and addressed the Boss as "Ma'am."
...
As she sat down, she looked at me incredulously and exclaimed:
DO I LOOK LIKE A MA'AM?
So I said, "What? Did you want him to call you sexy?" 
But I had forgotten the ancient wisdom of Boromir when he opined:

[For once I actually created an image for my blog - Its that important]

Real Cougars agree, nothing is more insulting than to address a woman as "Ma'am" http://www.therealcougarwoman.com/2010/09/maam.html

But why? The Dictionary.com defines Ma'am as:

1. madam ( woman of rank or authority, in charge of the house or a whorehouse ) .
2. (in Britain) a term used in addressing the queen or a royal princess.

I see nothing here to get upset about: Queen? Princess? High rank and Authority? Domestic Engineer? At the least, you can take it as a sign of respect. 

All I get as a guy at best is Sir and usually Dude... DO YOU HEAR ME COMPLAINING?

Sorry Cincinnati

I miss judged you. All my life I heard you were a scary place to live in the middle of the country. But after a weekend visiting for the Cougar Abogado's graduation, I've had a change of heart. Now I'm singing the following:

 

To me, this place is like a mix of San Francisco and Boston, MINUS the ocean. Or perhaps it would be best to call it unique. Here are some photos from the trip that were both stunning and a pleasure to take.

 

Now for the real fun stuff. On Friday night with some time to burn, I figured I'd go for a walk. I saw a small creek about 1/4 mile north of the hotel and figured I'd meander down there. WRONG. Being a foreigner, I didn't realize this place is the JUNGLE. After descending down a trail, I wound up bushwhacking it along the creek after a 500 ft drop in elevation. The tree cover got so think darkness came upon me. Here are my pathetic iPhone 4 photos (the Siri powered one would have done better... I KNOW).

lost along the creek of shattered dreams

Of course as darkness fell in the jungle, I started to think of the Preadator coming to kill me. Here is what was going through my mind.

 

BEARD CHICKEN

After the last failure with Chicken Poo, I've decided to test the waters again with a new challenge: Beard Chicken

I may lose my career and have to build an Ark to justify my behavior to the world if the Boss never catches onto this one. Or I may just tell them its my body and I can do whatever I want with it per the US Constitution protected by SUPREME Judge Scalia. I also highly recommend the following podcast on a game of Beard Chicken by the venerable Judge John Hodgeman.

http://www.maximumfun.org/judge-john-hodgman/judge-john-hodgman-episode-36-beard-science