TEOTWAWKI

Today the Rooster and I got into another round of musings over the Second Coming, also known to secular society as TEOTWAWKI (tee-o-tuh-wa-ki) or The End Of The World As We Know It. I am going to here and now give a stunning and bold prediction: it will happen between 2026 - 2080. Read below for my prediction of the exact year.

I'm well aware the Bible says "But of that day and hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only." (Matt 24:36) However, the Lord only specifies the day and hour are unknown. If we follow the 7,000 year timeline we can get a decent understanding of where we are in relation to the Second Coming (http://scriptures.lds.org/en/bd/chrono).

Modern revelation gives us particular insight into the moment in which we stand. "For behold, the field is white already to harvest; and it is the eleventh hour, and the last time that I shall call laborers into my vineyard." (D&C 33:3). That statement was given by the Lord in a revelation to Joseph Smith in October 1830. It is possible the 11th hour is just a metaphor to help us understand the time is close, hence 6,000 years divided by 24 hours gives us 250 year time periods or hours.

I know I should be dividing 1,000 years by 24 hours giving me 41.6 years, but that means TEOTWAWKI should have happened in 1872 (rounded) and incidentally, that is the year Charles Taz Russel founded the Jehovah's Witnesses.... Right. So my modified theory of 250 years must be accurate or we'd all be doing the Millennium thing right now.

So let's say the 250 years started right at the time of that revelation in 1830. That would put an expiration date on TEOTWAWKI of 2080 (1830 + 250). However, it could be argued the latter-day work had already commenced and a guess of 1820 or the first vision would give us a date of 2070. But is this limited to the Prophet and all subsequent work? I think not. We have recorded that many of the founding fathers requested their temple work to be done by John Taylor in the St. George Temple. Their work could officially be started on July 2, 1776 with the Declaration of Independence. Using that date as the start of the 11th hour, I get an expiration date of 2026.

So will you be ready to meet your maker in a mere sixteen years? Still want to keep up those life insurance policies? (I'm joking). This is the part where most of you are going over untold, unreferenced quotes by General Authorities on the subject. Just give up. And in case you haven't noticed, my whole theory is essentially bunk.

But wait! One last theory. I've got the year pegged, and believe me I'll be happy to be proven wrong. But here it is... Assuming we are dead on with the years chronologically, meaning the 2,000th anniversary of Christ's birth was the year 2000; I'd say TEOTWAWKI or better put, The Morning of the First Resurrection will occur on the anniversary of THE resurrection of the Lord who was crucified on April 3rd, and raised on April 6th. This coincides nicely with the birth of the Lord on April 6, and the organization of the Church in the Last Days on April 6th. What year? Jesus was 33 at the time of his death. This puts my estimate on 2033. I won't bother to say the day, because the prior scripture says no one knows the day.


Needless to say, if I'm still alive you'll be able to find me at the Temple on April 6, 2033. Until then, act like its tomorrow or just party like its 1999 until December 21, 2012.

Here is the Rooster's Contribution as well as some fun light reading:

http://www.religioustolerance.org/end_wrl21.htm

2047-SEP-14: According to The Church of !BLAIR!, the human race will probably be terminated at 3:28 AM (Soho, UK time). The church teaches, with tongue firmly in cheek, that if the human race does not discard their plastic conformity, then the Gods will withdraw their protection. The Gods don't want us to worship them; they don't want sacrifices or even offerings. They just want us to rid itself of our excessive "Normalcy". At that time, Astro-Lemurs (extra-terrestrials similar in shape to lemurs, but with rainbow colored bodies) will attack the entire human race and beat them to death with gigantic burritos. You have been warned. ;-)

Unfortunately, the Church is no longer online to reinforce their warnings.

The Truth about this Blog

None of you guessed, but it was my intention all along. This blog is a Horcrux. Think about it.

I pour the essence of my soul into this blog, just like Tom Riddle and his "Diary." Like Tommy, I have the power to make my readers do things against their own will... such as watching 80s BMX dance videos. For you folks that are clueless on what I'm talking about and would like to know how or why I captured the essence of my soul in this blog, check out the following link. http://www.wikihow.com/Create-a-Horcrux (the tips and warnings must be read!)

So who did I kill to for this maniacal plot to live forever? The cool side of myself... by writing this post. Ouch the truth hurts, but now I can never die. Unless Google's "cloud" servers are destroyed. And that won't happen because we all know that "cloud" will become Skynet, which means I will become the Terminator and the T-1000 and travel through time to preserve this blog, not to win some stupid war with puny humans.

Rad

Major benefit of being a child of the 80s? Knowing what it was like to use the word rad and be cool. Plus, it meant we got sweet BMX racing movies. I've shared this with a few of you before, but it needs to be logged for posterity. In a perfect 80s world run by the Cobra Kai, everyone would be forced at nunchuck-point to watch this movie. Here is a sample. Prepare to be amazed.

SdmaMadDog, one of the great sages of 80s lore said the following about this clip:

Dude, ROFLOL. I have never seen such CHEESE. Incredibly horrible. I thought I saw Bart Conner in there, when he is the bad guy, unintentional comedy factor of the highest degree (especially when the writers can't even bother to change his first name!).

The story of Cru Jones, a young man who can overcome all obstacles that prevent him from participating in the BMX race "Helltrack." As he works towards his dream, Cru falls in love with Christian, an amateur racer. With the help of Christian and her friends, can Cru's "Rad Racing Team" defeat the top BMX factory rider, Bart Taylor ?

The 80s were my high school years and I saw break dancing in gyms but never, ever bmx!!! Thanks for a blast from the past. Now you have an name for your son...........presenting Cru Fletcher!!!

500 Days of Summer & Little Anita

Admittedly, the title of this post sounds bad. But the content will hopefully be better. Today I thoroughly enjoyed some good food and a movie and feel compelled by the universe or habit to talk about them (surprise).

500 Days of Summer - Dang. This movie was my cup of tea. Non-linear. Very random, full of odd references ala Simpsons or Scrubs style comedy done in Sundance style. Of course, like most indie RomComs, this flick got a little too serious for itself near the end, but was a highly enjoyable experience. The sections with jokes parodying foreign films were awesome. Additionally, the split screen reality vs. expectations sequence was tremendous. Overall, it is a wonderful portrayal of the ecstasy and angst associated with the male crush. It pushed profanity to the limit of PG-13, so don't get upset with me for recommending (with two firm thumbs and lower lip nod of approval) a relatively unwholesome but seriously hilarious movie.

Little Anita's, New Mexican Foods - Dang. Sick probably isn't a good way to describe a restaurant, but that's my word. This place is SICK. To make the word even odder, I've appraised the food processing facility for this restaurant and can testify the food for this place is made in profound cleanliness. The owner explained that bleach, etc. does not kill germs, hot water does - at 500 degrees, 2x a day. Books can't stand it and neither can evil germs. I'd recommend this place to Howard Hughes or germaphobes if I could only guarantee the individual restaurants were run in such a fashion. I absolutely destroyed the breakfast burrito they brought out to me smothered in green chili and cheese. I know its polite or some sign of self-control to leave some food on your plate when you dine out to show others you are mature, cool, whatever. Today, I didn't give a rip. I cleaned that plate with pride. Mom, you would have been proud. My ex O-line coach and teammates would have demanded I order another! Corporate America and the core work-out video sadist would have been ashamed. Well bullocks to them. To top it all off, a tasty sopapilla is included with every meal (eat your heart out Casa Bonita). Its like going to New Mexico Mexican food heaven. The blue corn enchiladas with the green sauce are also quite good. No, SICK. Go there and leave your inhibitions at the door. http://www.littleanitas.com/

Bleeding Orange and the Blues

I know I posted that the Broncos franchise was dead during pre-season and I was nearly ready to eat my hat after a 6-0 start. But the 2-8 finish was simply UNBEARABLE to watch after getting my hopes up. At least I got to put the A.1. Sauce away and save my hat for the rest of winter. And yes, even Darth Vader is wiping away a tear after missing the playoffs yet again due to a massive late season collapse.

I know, I know I should be happy with an 8-8 season, but it feels like deja-vu all over again from last season. Guess what? We're going to trade Brandon Marshall in the off season! Maybe even to Chicago! What a gas!!! Why don't we just do it all over again!?!

I know, I know, I know we are rebuilding and 8-8 is a fine way to start rebuilding. So I should just quit whining and enjoy the fact we caught 4 or 5 teams with their pants down and punched them in the mouth. And to think the name "McMastermind" was once floating around this town. To top off the angst of the season, our beloved "Barrel Man" super-fan died on December 5. http://www.denverpost.com/ci_13934615. Rest in peace as you sail off into that great orange sunset. As for the living, we can only hope for next season.

Avatar - IMAX 3D

There is a cliche that some movies are more than cinema, they are events. Things to be experienced so one can participate in the human conversation. I dare say this film lives up to that hype. In short, it is a glimpse at the future of cinema.

The 3D effect in IMAX was spectacular. I occasionally noticed the glasses or saw imperfections with the 3D, but I can live with that. I won't bore you tyring to describe it. It is simply amazing to behold and must be done in IMAX 3D. Watching this at home will not even be close. One note about the design of the world - if you are a big fan of the band Yes and feel like Roger Dean was hosed, check this out:

http://io9.com/5426120/did-prog-rocks-greatest-artist-inspire-avatar-all-signs-point-to-yes/gallery/ now, go chain yourself to something and protest.

Which brings me to the controversial plot of the film. Hollywood used to make epic religious movies such as the 10 Commandments, Ben-Hur and The Greatest Story Ever Told. Things have not changed, but the religion being taught has. Soylent Green was a pioneer of sorts, but the green religion has gained full acceptance and is now taught in principle by such films as Wall-E, Avatar, The Day the Earth Stood Still, The Day after Tomorrow... the list is long http://www.alternate-energy-sources.com/green-movies.html. Preaching or cautionary tales? Probably somewhere in between and I can live with that. But the green stuff was minor. This movie was more about manifest destiny and cultural superiority. Here are some of the usual jabs at Republicans and Conservatives:

• A future where corporations run everything, ruin everything and are total idiots
• Americans and the military are the bad guys
• Scientists are the altruistic good people who only care about love and hope (not funding)
• While Americans are totally evil, the natives (other cultures) are portrayed as completely good
• American culture seeks "unobtainium" or happiness in unobtainable ways/means. The real way to achieve happiness is a return to nature and no bathing
• Tons of blue humanoid aliens running around essentially naked in nothing but loin-cloths.
• Total rejection of America by exiling nearly all humans and then the main character sheds his humanity to become alien and live the green life.
• Machine guns that far into the future? Please! tell me we've figured out some better weaponry if we can fly across the galaxy (not a political thing, just stupid IMHO).

The filmmakers seem to be suffering from tremendous guilt by association as Americans for all of our atrocities against African American slaves and Native American Indians (the blue Navi people seem to be a combination of the two). Not to mention lack of socialistic systems such as universal health care and the future destruction of the planet.

The Rooster made a good observation that perhaps more than guilt, the film was about the desire to escape sin and its consequences. The final sequence of the main character sending the humans away and giving up his body to become alien (and whole) are supreme symbols of Mr. Cameron's loss of faith in humanity thanks to George W. Bush and his desire to have his sins by association forgiven. Or he just feels real bad about his carbon footprint. OK. Maybe that's a bit extreme, but interesting to think about.

IN FAIRNESS - We need cautionary tales. Its why we study history, scriptures and sometimes fiction to avoid repeating the same mistakes. While I may not be thrilled with the political overtones of the film, is it so terrible to show people fighting for other's life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness? Even if it is different from our own?

The Rooster also pointed out this movie has some similarities with the Ender Series written by Orson Scott Card (highly recommended). Ender appeared to be the only human willing to understand and even love apparently hostile alien species. Because of his work to understand others, he saved humanity from committing horrible atrocities. This movie seems to follow a similar theme and its a good message if you can ignore the political trappings.

So why must current filmmakers continue to envision a future where corporations destroy the planet and hate all other alien cultures? Especially ourselves? Could it not be argued that capitalism has done tremendous good for the standard of living across the world? Given tolerance to things that used to be intolerable? If anything we are on the right, not the wrong track. At least the folks at Star Trek hold out a relatively positive view of the future for humanity and so do I. Perhaps I could say our current relationship of spirit and body is like the Avatar experience? So rather than shed my humanity and seek life as something else; I'll trust the Gospel ideals of repentance, forgiveness of sin and resurrection as the true way to have the burdens of guilt and sin lifted and find true happiness.

My Sister's Keeper is G.I. Joe & The Mist List

Am I a bad person? Most would probably say yes - if they were in the room while I watched My Sister's Keeper. The film is an adaptation of a Jodi Picoult novel designed to do two things. 1. Get you seething with anger 2. Make you cry.

On the other side of the coin, G.I. Joe had two purposes, 1. Make me say words like cool, awesome and rad 2. Fill me delusions of grandeur that I could be a super-solider fighting alongside hot solider chicks, hunting down hot villain chicks and Scottish guys with metal faces.

Both of these movies share the same annoying problem. Blatantly pandering to my emotions and lack of a safety tip at the end of the film.

Obviously all movies have some sort of agenda when telling their story. But when the agenda takes over everything... I check out and go into ridicule mode. A mode I dislike because it usually gets me in trouble with the boss who hates my sass; but I can't help it. So on this evening, I spent two some-odd hours ripping on a film with a girl puking blood and her family disintegrating. Yes, I am a bad person.

Don't get me wrong, I tear up all the time. Here is a quick spontaneous list of flicks that got me misty (which does not mean full on tears, just the welling of the eyes):

• The Shawshank Redemption
• UP

• My Life
• Armageddon
• Charlie (I had no idea she would die)
• Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon
• Its a Wonderful Life
• Steel Magnolias
• Top Gun
• Schindler's list
• Saving Private Ryan
• Bridge to Terrabithia
• Shadowlands
• Fellowship of the Ring - LOTR
• The Mail Box
• Cypher in the Snow
• Glory
• Ponet
• Big Fish
• P.S. I Love You
• The Fountain
• Cinema Paradiso
• Hoosiers
• The Blind Side

OK. I'll stop, you get the picture. When I left on my mission back in the day, I couldn't get tears to save my life. I actually prayed once to be able to more fully feel emotion so I could relate to others. Ask and ye shall receive. Some of you may be mocking me right now.

A. Fools mock, but they shall mourn http://scriptures.lds.org/en/ether/12 (see v. 26)

B. I have only two words for you: Wife Points. Yes, brother... Wife Points.

Sunday, Lovely Sunday

I'm going to state something each of you intrinsically knows deep down... with every fiber of your being - The Best Meal of the Week happens after Church. Why? Here are some possible reasons:

• Your brain associates the end of church with breaking a fast and therefore you have a "Pavlovian" need to consume food, which always tastes better after a period of abstinence.
• We rush so much to get to church that we don't have a proper meal before leaving, making us famished during the 3rd hour.
  
• After feasting spiritually, our physical stomachs throw a tantrum for being left out.
  
• It is a special time to reconnect with our instinctive roots to hunt and gather, scavenge and use our cunning to acquire food before others do, thus ensuring our survival.
• Leftovers Rock!!
• Ravenous eating ensures a stellar nap afterward.

Unfortunately, my last reason also brings me to a lament. - "OH THAT CHURCH COULD ALWAYS START AT 10:00 AM!! THEN WOULD MY STOMACH AND MY NAPS BE AT EASE!!"

Some of you might be thinking you love church in the afternoon because it means you get to sleep in. If you are thinking that, I hope you enjoy not having small children. Adorable as they are, they vaporize the very thought of sleeping in. So naturally, my catching up has to be done via naps. But naps aren't the only reason I loathe "the start time" of afternoon church. Here are a few more.

• The post church feeding frenzy is dampened due to the fact a real meal will likely be ready in 1 hour. This causes wifemom to yell at you for only doing what is RIGHT and NATURAL after church!!
• 1-4 PM is natural nap time for infants and toddlers who take revenge on all with ears to hear when their schedule is thrown off.
  
• Home teaching at 10:00 AM is not as cool as 4:00 PM. End of story.
• The ward before you messes up all of the chairs.
• The day or WEEKEND is pretty much over when you get home. Tears.

So today I rejoice in my 9:00 AM start time, for the last time this year until 2011 when I shall once again know the beauty of Sunday, Lovely Sunday.

Copper Thoughts

Some random thoughts from my trip today to Copper Mountain.

1. Never go to a major resort during the Christmas season. This place made Disneyland lines seem like a fast food joint. It took nearly an hour in line for the first lift, while my ankles cursed me.
2. Which leads me to my second thought. Ski boots could be the most painful things invented since the corset. I thought I was going to break my ankle getting my foot into the boot. 18th century Victorian chicks have nothing on me. $2o says the CIA is putting those things on terrorists and making them walk around until they talk.
3. I used to fancy my attitude on the slopes in a Stone Temple Pilots sort of fashion. The problem with that is I have no skill for moguls or the vertical limit. I therefore accept my style has changed to James Taylor, which was playing in my mental ipod during a few relaxing runs down the hill. Like good cheese, I age well... with all kinds of fungus.
4. My most profound cursing moments have generally occurred either skiing, snowshoeing, or installing a ceiling fan. As you could guess, they all stem from my tremendous ineptitude in both major and minor motor skills. However, I'm proud to say that despite trying to teach Julie to ski today and suffering a few wipe-outs, no string of profanity passed my lips. Once again, cheese... fungus, and my first born appears to be a natural, showing the gene pool can be spared from its predecessors.

Here are some looks at what I avoided today by adapting the James Taylor philosophy of skiing. The music is PRICELESS!

Yeah. That's why I don't do moguls.

Twilight Years

My wife shared this with me yesterday and I was shocked to see an old college friend in this hilarious spoof of Twilight. Carl, your delivery of "someone brought a snack" was worthy of winning a Road Show Oscar. I wonder how many times he's been to Duck Beach? If you are not LDS, this will probably go over your head, but I'll be happy to explain if you have questions.

Book Club Part Deux

Its freezing here and the roads are continually coated in ice. My car is turning into Lot's wife. I can almost hear it screaming. On to the book reviews.

Catching Fire - Part 2 of the Hunger Games Trilogy or should I say SAGA? The death match is over, but our hero must show she can love two hunky men at the same time... yeah, I read this book. Now that the movie rights have been purchased by Lionsgate, I wonder who they'll get to play Katniss. Perhaps the idea of a deadly bow-hunter woman will become all the rage in fashion trends? The fashion designer Chinna (in the book) will become an icon for designers everywhere. Personally, if Julie ran around the house dressed like a warrior princess sporting a headband, magical bracelets and a set of bow and arrows, I'd be a very happy guy. She'd truly be living up to the last name. Tangent.

I burned through this book, but it didn't have the same zing of the first. I don't want to give things away in the plot, but Christy's comments became a self-fulfilling prophecy for me. Beginning - good, middle - meh, end - good. Ms. Collins appears to be doing the love triangle to sell books in Stephanie Meyer fashion, but I'll withhold judgement until the final book. I still recommend getting into this series and can't wait to get over the nearly punitive cliff hangar at the end of the book.

Good to GREAT - Fantastic business book by Jim Collins. Best part? Its actually a bit of a page turner and loaded with principles that can be applied to almost anyone in any walk of life. Gospel resonance with no Stephen Covey. It chronicles companies that made the leap from being good to great companies over a 40 to 60 year time frame in comparison with similar companies that didn't have success. It was something like watching a special on the History Channel. Which I think would be a great idea for a spin off from the History Channel. Many of the concepts and principle are simple, timeless and easily understood. The first four chapters are great reading on successful leadership principles (Level 5 Leadership), confronting brutal facts and creating a culture of discipline.

The following clip from Batman Begins demonstrates the pitiful state of the good who have not yet become great... until the invitation arrives.

Yes, in my quote world this captures the essence of the book - "If you make yourself more than just a man, if you devote yourself to an ideal... and if they can't stop you... Then you become something else entirely - A legend."

WAR OF GIFTS - I've become a fan of Orson Scott Card and really enjoy his Ender character, even if he turned out to be an empathetic wuss afraid to open up a can at the end of his life. This book is about a kid raised by a fanatical minister drafted to attend Battle School. The book centers around this boy ruining the last shred of Christmas at the Battle School. Why? He has serious issues with Santa. Check out his old man's sermon:

"Saint Nick is a Mask!... He is the false beard and the false laugh worn by the drunken servants of the God of Frivolity... Greed and covetousness are the gifts he instills in the hearts of our children! O God, save us from the Satan of Santa! Keep our children's eyes averted from his malicious, predatory gaze! Do not seat our children upon his lap to whisper their coveting into his stony ear! He is an idol of idolatry! God knows what spirit animates these idols and makes them laugh their ho, ho whoredoms and abominations and braying jackassery!"

"Satan is a liar every time! When Santa puts a lie on the lips of parents, the seed of that lie is planted in the hearts of their children and when that seed come to flower and bears fruit, the fruit of that lie is faithlessness. You do not deserve the trust of your children when you lie for Satan!"
"Yes! your children whisper their secret desires to Satan and he will answer their prayers, not with the presents they seek, and certainly not with the presence of God Immanuel! No, he will answer their prayers with the ashes of sin in their mouths, with the poison of atheism and unbelief in the plasma of their blood. He will drive out the hemoglobin and replace it with hellish lust!"

Now I've ruined Christmas like I did Halloween. But who cares? Have some more chips and guacamole. Thanks for being a part of my one man book club.

Psycho Ex-Girlfriend

Some of you may know my theory about Max Hall. He's not the QB at BYU, he's a crazy ex-girlfriend to the program. What could I possibly mean by that?

He's like that girl you used to date where one moment, she blows your mind and you are so happy, but a week later, she's doing something psychotic. Like leading game winning drives with cool consistency, then turning around and throwing 5 interceptions when it matters most. Can't trust that kind of chick. Drives you are your homies nuts. Yep, he's a crazy ex-girlfriend.

Want further proof? Crazy chicks love to talk trash they can't back up. Especially when nothing is left on the line. Check out these pouty quotes after beating Utah:

"I don't like Utah. In fact, I hate them. I hate everything about them. I hate their program, their fans. I hate everything," "It felt really good to send those guys home." "I think the whole university and their fans and the organization is classless," "They threw beer on my family and stuff last year and did a whole bunch of nasty things. I don't respect them and they deserved to lose."

Anyone waiting for him to pull a knife out of his shoulder pads? Can you see that crazy look in his eyes? I'll never forget it from the blowout last year. This guy gets that look in his eyes and it freaks me out. I'm amazed Bronco is still alive. His wife may want to consider a restraining order. Can you imagine dating one of his daughters? I wonder if "crazy ex-girlfriend syndrome" is a box scouts can check at the NFL combine?

Bottom line: Max, your comments were way out of line, demonstrate no class or sportsmanship and I'm embarrassed for our program. They prove my point that you are nuts and we'll all breathe a sigh of relief once you are gone, but we'll always be looking over our shoulder.

Props to Andrew George, dubbed "the man with two first names" by Sports Center for your game winning catch and making us proud back in the motherland.

The Agony of Thanksgiving

Yesterday was not a very good thanksgiving for me. On Wed. night I played full court basket ball for 2 hours and wore myself out. The following morning, I decided to participate in the annual turkey bowl and twisted my back as I slipped while blitzing the quarterback. After 20 mins of stretching, I called it quits, when home and laid around all day... like I normally would on Thanksgiving, only this time "in genuine agony."

Guess what I'm thankful for? A life lived without back pain up till now. A large TV with instant Netflix to keep me company. Kids who decided to help their decrepit old man. A wife shouldering the burden of family life with no husband. This is one good reason we marry and reproduce; so others can take care of us while we are damaged.

Kevin also deserves many thanks for sharing his ice-pack strap with me and tons of helpful tips.

I'd also like to thank Arthur for providing some great 70's drunkard humor while I endured one breath to the next.

Barry, I don't even want to think about how this injury would go if I actually needed your help. And for that, I'm thankful.

Finally, I'm thankful for Josh McDaniel's tremendous use of profanity to motivate the Broncos to a much needed 26-6 thanksgiving day win, stopping a 4-game slide. Hope you all had a more pleasant day than I did.

Hope for Mitt

The triumph of Donny Osmond last night on Dancing with the Stars is a clear sign religious bias in America is over. Mitt, if Donny can do it, so can you. Practice that winning smile, leak some photos of yourself as a young stallion or just do what we all wish you wold: select Donny as your VP candidate.

So here and now I predict Mitt the winner in 2012 with Donny as VP. A. this will save us from the disaster predicted by apostate Mayan/Lamanite high-priests who lost their true authority after killing all of the Nephites; B. This will allow for fulfillment of the prophecy uttered by Joseph Smith (recorded by Eliza R. Snow http://www.ldslastdays.com/default.aspx?page=pscthread.htm):

"The time will come when the government of these United States will be so nearly
overthrown through its corruption, that the Constitution will hang as it were by
a single hair, and the Latter-day Saints-the Elders of Israel-will step forward
to its rescue and save it."

"I'd rather be governed by Donny and Marie than the Washington establishment." Peggy Noonan, WSJ http://www.opinionjournal.com/columnists/pnoonan/?id=110010955

Twilight SAGA - New Moon

Last night my wife and I went and saw the second attempt to adapt the Twilight SAGA to the big screen. We didn't do the 12:01 midnight showing, which I had kind of hoped for, just to witness genuine female hysteria. I know I must sound very shallow, but I figured based on how cheesy the last one was, watching people freak out would be way more entertaining. The 7:00 PM show last night was certainly no Beatles concert, but it had its moments. I'm always happy to hear people cheer at the beginning of a movie. However, I didn't join them for all the bare chested cheers for Jacob and Edward. Not my "team." Had Bella ripped her shirt off, I would have cheered just to demonstrate equal rights, but I don't like the taste of boots and pepper spray and no such opportunity arose. But I digress...

First off, I will say my hopes for the franchise were fulfilled. They did a much better job with this installment than the last. Would I hold this up with some of my favorite movies? No. Maybe my expectations were sooooo low going in I was going to be pleased with just about anything. If they can keep improving the other two over this one, I'd say this will turn out to be a solid franchise.

Like most blockbusters, this movie had some awful reviews. Currently it sits at 29% on the Rotten Tomatoes meeter, which I would interpret as an overall grade of F-. In fairness, critics usually despise romance because they have no love in their hearts. So I'd say ignore what most of these bitter people have to say. A movie about bridling passions is for empty-headed right-wing religous lemmings or boy-crazy girls (I can't believe I just lumped those two together). I guarantee those pinko Communist critics would have given it 4 stars if this movie involved some bizarre perversions, drug additction, 20 F-bombs or Bella spending half her time trying to save the trees in Forks to get over Edward leaving (that would have been right in line with all of the shameless "green" pandering I saw on NBC this week). A bunch of the critics said the last one was better than this one... ????? Clearly they are on drugs. Did we all see the same corn-ball fest of a movie before? For me this film was 10x better than the first. Here are few reasons why:

• Special Effects/Action - While not ILM worthy, they were much better, primarily the fact that I wasn't thinking they were bad. The wolves were done well, the fight scene with the Volturi was OK and there were several bits of action chasing Victoria that were better than anticipated. I'd like to now thank the universe or whomever fixed this.
• Cast - As in the last film, Kristen Stewart carries the film and is 100% believable (for me at least). Its never too much emotion or too little and I'd say that is a very hard balance to strike and she does it incredibly well. Edward is still a tool to me, but whatever, he was hardly in this one! Alice came off much better, Jasper looked a little less constipated, the rest were hardly in the film. High school kids and Charlie were still the best comedy and perhaps there was not enough of them.
• Jacob - He become the true third piece to the love triangle in this installment. Acting was pretty good. Clearly that guy had much more financial incentive than the other wolves to bulk up or the kid was on steroids. I wonder if his performance should have an asterisk **** next to it. Congress may haul his butt before a tribunal soon so they can pretend to do something useful.
• Music - Seemed to flow much better with the visuals on the screen this time. Nothing amazing, but worked better this time.
• Direction/Production - Clearly this film was better produced, directed, edited, you name it, better. I only recall two blatantly cheesy moments. Perhaps they were a homage to the prior crew. I noticed they actually tried to re-do the meadow since it showed up so pitifully last time. Thank you Summit for re-investing some of that $300 million you made off the first flick.

Based on what I saw this time, I definitely have some higher expectations for the next film, which should be the most guy friendly of the whole SAGA. Perhaps my favorite moment was after the credits started to roll, some crusty old guy in front of us said, "Why did she go for that wuss?" Enough said.

My Business Card is CRAP!!!

Recently, the company I work for did some re-branding which resulted in new business cards for yours truly. I thought my new card was slick. Stock. Color. 2 sided. Slogan. Money.... Wrong. All of my good feelings were crushed (as usual) by some highly effective and motivated individual. See below.

If that wasn't enough to get you lathered up and ready to run through a brick wall, WATCH THIS!!!

Thank you Patton. Happy Friday to all. Blue Skies, Blue sky.

Book Club

My wife typically reserves random Wednesday nights for "Book Club." This is where a bunch of women shove their kids off on their exhausted husbands and go hang out with hors d'oeuvres thanks to the pretext of having read [cough] some amazing book. But I'd like to pose the question, what if I showed up to book club?

I actually read pointless books, maybe that's why I'd be disqualified. Perhaps my reading selection is not highbrow enough. Maybe I don't make good hors d'oeuvres, but what's wrong with a bag of chips and some Costco guacamole? Or could it be gender discrimination?

If I'm shunned from B.C. because of my dudeness, why don't I start up a club for men? A. because that sounds like a hair loss thing; B. we'd never do it. We used to call that sort of gathering English class (as if we read the books then either). Besides, I need to have something to blab about during basketball and my part time job as a pro-bono mover. But that doesn't always work. So what's the solution?

A book club of one. My sad blog where I tell 2 to maybe 3 people (thanks Mom) about books I've read. SO I HEREBY DECLARE THE FLETCH WORD AN "ALL-MALE" BOOK CLUB!!! And now that I've rambled on for so long, you won't want to read my reviews. But here they are:

1. The Lost Symbol - This is the latest Dan Brown novel involving everyone's favorite professor, Robert Langdon. This is one guy who should quit answering the phone as it often puts him in the middle of a conspiracy to unleash a secret SO POWERFUL it will rock humanity and put his life in peril. Sarcasm aside, I really enjoyed this book. The villain Mal'akh is both creepy and unpredictable, nearly steals the show. It was very interesting to learn a bit about Free Masonry, its symbols and ideals. Many LDS folks thought this book would be unkind to them with a Mason-Mormon plot, but the references to the church are obscure and forgettable. The puzzles were very interesting along with the explanation. I also enjoyed learning about Washington D.C. and its Masonic lore. The book focuses on Apotheosis, Greek for "to be made divine" and hence many LDS readers will find Dan Brown's ideas intriguing, like the Da Vinci Code. I'm reluctant to give much of the plot or ideas away as that's the point of reading the book. Its a page turner and I heartily recommend it.



2. THE HUNGER GAMES - Where The Running Man and modern Harry Potter/Twilight writing collide in an explosion of violence, emotion and ethical dilemmas. In the post-apocalyptic future of North America, 12 poor and starving worker Districts of people are ruled by a wealthy upper class known as The Capitol. After a failed worker's rebellion 74 years ago, District 13 was annihilated and the Capitol punishes the 12 remaining districts annually with The Hunger Games. Each year one boy and one girl over the age of 12 are selected from each of the 12 districts as "Tributes" or sacrifices to compete in a televised death match, often lasting several weeks (like a sick version of the Olympics). The lone survivor gets to return home to a life of guaranteed food in a decent home. The plot revolves around Katniss, a young girl forced to feed her family after the untimely death of her father. When her helpless 12 year old sister is chosen as a victim, she volunteers to go in her place. Little do the Gamemakers know that Katniss has been hunting illegally for years to feed her family and this is one tough girl that will not go down without a fight. I couldn't put the book down and had to finish it in two days. Its the first of a trilogy which looks to be very promising. If you start reading now, you can say you were into before the bandwagon fans pile on.

I hope our first session of book club was enjoyable, despite the lack of chips and guacamole. Until next time, I'll bring the pigs in a blanket.

P.rotect O.ur E.ssence

Here are few movies I've watched lately. Some good, others not so much...

• Dr. Strangelove Or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb - Classic satire flick. If you haven't seen this, drop what you are doing, pick up the pieces and then watch this movie. It will change your life. Some memorable quotes: "Have you ever seen a Communist drink water?"; "Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room."; "You'll have to answer to the Coca-Cola company." Where else do you get Patton, Mr. Taggart and Darth Vader all in a black and white film? I had no idea Peter Sellers played three main roles: Dr. Strange Love, Mandrake and the President. Brilliant performance. Eddie Murphy and Arsinio Hall would concur. The yee-ha death scene is still one of the most haunting things I've seen on film. Funny, morbid, heroic and pitiful all at the same time. "When Johnny comes marching home, hurah!"
  


• Omega Man (1971) - For those of you who saw "I am Legend" this is the earlier version of the film with some of the best 60s/70s music, acting and special effects EVER!! I laughed out loud several times at how bad this flick was. Charlton Heston was the NRA in this movie. Just an iconic performance. See this if you really have nothing else to do, much like yours truly.

• Wolverine - Look out, Wolverine actually uses his claws in this extension of the X-Men franchise. Action sequences were very good, the plot involving Sabertooh as his brother was intriguing, solid comic-book flick. Not the best ever, but a good one. I was impressed to learn Jackman did 98% of his stunts, and his only carbs were two pieces of whole wheat toast each day during filming. Bit of a twist at the end, no sixth sense surprises, but certainly worth a rental or spot in that DVD collection.

Trunk or Treating: Fundamentally Wrong

I deplore Halloween as a celebration of the Devil, however some think Trunk or Treating is a safe way for kids to experience the holiday. But at what cost? Trunk or Treating is fundamentally wrong. It represents everything deplorable about modern parenting that is killing capitalism. Here are some reasons:

• Where is the hard work and sacrifice to earn a reward? These events make me sick. Kids can gain as much loot in 15 minutes as it would to go door to door for two hours. No exercise and tons of sugar = an unmotivated, lazy workforce.
• The point of Halloween is to provide a reasonably safe, but somewhat scary night for kids to roam the neighborhood. Time to see if they have the guts to brave a scary house or go to the crusty old man's door who hates all of the kids in the neighborhood. Learn to face fear and still ask for what you want. Isn't that a key element to a successful career?
• Trunk or treating often bans masks, one of the oldest forms of costuming. Our ancestors who wore masks would surely be disappointed at our denial of the rich heritage provided to us. Shunning the practices of our ancestors and the Founding Fathers will turn us into godless communists.
• Above all, kids are not learning risk/return lessons essential to becoming successful entrepreneurs! If you want to get 5 lbs of candy for free, you have to deal with the fact there may be a razor blade in that apple. The facts of life. Deal with it and join the Republican party. Just look out for the government who will steal that candy after you've worked hard for it. Oddly enough, their re-distribution of your candy will be PATHETIC.

One last gripe about this holiday. Apparently, we have to start decorating for it at the beginning of the month, elevating it to equal status with Christmas. Once again, FUNDAMENTALLY WRONG. Please visit the following site to learn more about getting the evils of Halloween out of society. http://www.abolishhalloween.com/

Crisis of Faith

When I was a young boy, my heart lept for joy when the Broncos went to their first Super Bowl (XXI) against the Giants. 1986 was a magical season concluding in Cleveland with "The Drive" and a kicker with no shoe in the snow. We even had a Fletcher on the team. I recall going to a friend's house for the big game. Orange and Blue sno-balls (best hostess cake ever) were served. We were up at half-time 10-9. Then the third quarter struck and the blow-out was on. Curse you Phil Simms and Mark Bavaro!!! I was devastated. I actually went into the bathroom to shed a few tears near the end.

The following year, we had a shot at redemption with the Redskins in Super Bowl XXII. Like the previous year, we started well, up 10-0, until the 2nd Quarter. That quarter was so bad, it became known as "The Quarter" where the Redskins put up 35 points with 365 yards and 5 touchdowns. I was peeling the skin off my body. It was even worse this time!! The game ended with 42 unanswered points for a 42-10 blow-out. I've actually blocked the second half of the game out of my mind.

The final blow to my faith came in 1990, when we faced off with the 49'ers in Super Bowl XXIV. I knew going in they were the better team, but I still genuinely hoped we had a chance to win. 3rd time's a charm, right? WRONG. 55-10. Most lopsided game in the history of the Super Bowl. I can actually recall the birth of a cynic within me during that game as I began to expect Jerry Rice to blow past us for endless touchdowns. The pain yielded to numbness, then to stone. My faith was dead.

Didn't we win back-to-back Super Bowls with Terrel Davis, Eddie Mac, Shannon Sharpe, Atwater, Romo and a host of great players? Yes. 2,000 yard rushing season? Yes. Did it re-kindle my childlike faith? No. As Frodo Baggins would say:

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on... when in your heart you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are somethings that time cannot mend... some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold."

Just ask my wife. I am damaged goods. You may be thinking, GET OVER IT YOU STUPID FOOL! ITS JUST A GAME!!! YOU DIDN'T EVEN PLAY ON THE TEAM!! All fair points. But that 10 year old boy didn't know that. All he knew was the pastor of his second church could not work miracles when it counted the most. I built up a wall around me to avoid being hurt like that again. I'd never let anyone or anything crush my hope like that again. Sounds stupid, unreasonable, but true. I'll admit it. The primary bricks in my wall? Lowered expectations, which eventually hardened with older age as I realized sports really are nothing more than entertainment. I savored the Terrell Davis years like a wounded animal chews on a hunk of red meat, but the threat of the stick always loomed in my mind.

Getting truly involved in my real faith gave me perspective on what's worth getting hurt for, and what's not. As much as I enjoy sports, I see their place as entertainment in my life. Do I still get ticked and upset? Of course (just read some prior sports posts). But I now have perspective that limits my passion for the game to within reasonable levels.

So when I look at the 4-0 Broncos, I want them to win, but the wild hope of my youth is gone. I carefully watched the Nuggets in the playoffs, but knew ultimate victory was unlikely. The Rockies were bound to get creamed by the Red Sox, and they may not get out of the first round this year. And I'm still waiting for Max Hall to throw the next interception. Maybe if I listen the Celine Dion song "Its all coming back to me now" I'll get the feeling back? Nah.

Absurd as it may sound, due to my relationship with sports, (in some part) I'm beginning to understand what Jesus meant by having childlike faith. Opening up fully like I did when I was a kid is a hard and scary thing to do, but He is the one person I can trust with my heart and faith. He does not fail us. I've got a long way to go (just ask my wife), but this following passage sums it up well:

Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God. (Eth 12:4)

Reality vs. Sword Dreams

I am a Star Wars baby and therefore one of my favorite sounds in the whole world is the menacing hum of a lightsaber. As the years drew on, I began to occasionally fiddle with role-playing games such as Dungeons & Dragons, despite my father's warnings that it was part of the Occult. He once told me of a youth who jumped off a cliff in a D&D game to earn more "magic" from the Dungeon Master. Of course, he left out the high probability this guy was blitzed on LSD.

Tangent. Sorry about that. Other movies back in the day such as Conan the Barbarian, Highlander and Excalibur fueled my fascination, not to mention video games, Nephi and the Sword of Laban. As a kid I secretly tried a few times to make a sword with a wooden stick and aluminum foil that I'd heat then sharpen... Never exactly worked out. You can imagine my delight and humor in the following article entitled, Generation X Sword Making.

http://www.anvilfire.com/FAQs/swords_faq_index.htm

This article basically rips on fools like me with dreams of forging my own blade of power. Here are some highlights if you don't want to read it:

First, you should ask yourself,
"Why do I want to make a sword?"
Then,
What do I intend to DO with it?

A sword is a weapon. Like a Bowie knife or gun they are a weapon designed for one person to kill another. Do you intend to kill someone? Are you playing games? Or do you just think it would be "neat" to have a sword hanging on the wall?

Most of the time I know the answers to these questions, perhaps better than you. But, do YOU know the answers?

You are a young male (99% of you and under 30). You are fascinated by weapons of all types. You like the movies Conan the Barbarian and Highlander (I, II, III. . .), and watch the television shows Highlander, Zena, Hercules and The Immortal (among others).

You may be into Dungeons and Dragons or the SCA (Society for Creative Anachronism). You think a sword shouldn't be too hard to make. You will want to play with it. Perhaps mock combat with one of your friends. You haven't thought about the fact that you or your friends could be, maimed, blinded or killed "just playing".

Do not deny it. It is your nature. It is why there are 10 - 12 accidental gun deaths of children every day in America. It is almost always boys handling the gun and the victim is almost always their best friend or neighbor. Swords do not kill quite as easily as guns but dead is still dead.

Sword Myths/Fiction:

• Blood does not make a superior quenchant (an old myth).
• Neither virgins or slaves have been used to test swords (that is a children's story).
• You cannot chop a machine gun barrel in two with a Japanese sword (modern myth).
• Ancient steels were not superior to modern alloy steels (another modern myth).
• Adamantium is a fictional comic book element without any basis in reality (like Kryptonite). It is just another "Unobtainium".
• Mithirl (J.R.R. Tolkien) another MYTHical metal.
• You cannot cold forge a sword from a leaf spring (modern web myth - parody).

As if all of this were not painful enough to learn, I then found this HIGHLY reputable article on why a real lightsaber is not going to happen anytime soon.

http://ask.yahoo.com/20040329.html

Garbage. My dreams, as usual have been crushed. I guess in the game of Rock, Scissors & Paper, the cold unforgiving rock of reality crushes the scissors (swords) of my dreams.

ARRRRRR... Would You Rather?

In honor of National Talk Like a Pirate Day, http://fletchword.blogspot.com/2008/09/talk-like-pirate-day.html I'd like to present the following clips:

Enough frivolity. Now for my answers to some serious "Would you rather?" questions:

• Be the sand castle or the wave? - The wave. I am a force of nature.
• Always have to say everything on your mind or never speak again? - Say everything (as if I don't already)
• Publish your diary or make a movie on your most embarrassing moment? - I guess I've already decided this one.
• Have a firecracker blow up in your mouth, or drill a small hole in your own forehead? - I hate oral pain. Give me the drill.
• Forget who you were or who everyone else was? - So this is a choice between being Jason Bourne and Drew Barrymore in 50 first dates. I would be Bourne and then snap your neck.
• French kiss a dog or have a baby spit up drool into your open mouth? - I've already had my kid puke in my mouth. I could do it again.
• Would you rather drink 1 gallon of ketchup or 1 gallon of mustard? - Ketchup. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down...
• Would you rather meet the Jonas Brothers or meet Miley Cyrus? - Wow. Miley so my daughters would think I'm cool for 5 minutes.
• Would you rather live as a dog or live as a cat? - I hate to be patronized and beg for people's attention. Plus, a cat would have an unmitigated license to kill.
• Would you rather go to a wild concert or a relaxing and joyful spa? - I'm getting old. Give me the joyful spa (I can feel the sunshine and hear the birds singing now).

Needless to say, I'll be wearing my "Surrender the Booty" T-shirt today. Now back to work ye scurvy dogs!

Dear Barry

You told me you were all about change. The Audacity of Hope. Prove it. Bring it. I don't want a public option, trillions of dollars in debt for loaded bills that no one reads or really cool windmills. The world is going to hell in a hand-basket. The Bible says so. Why not bother to change the one thing that matters, which the Bible is silent on? I know you want to change the BCS. In case you forgot. Here are your words from the gossip rag, 60 Minutes:

Now is the time for change. I DEMAND IT!!! If my kids have to live under the scourge of ludicrous debt and poor health care for all, I want them to at least have a legit college playoff with a bonafide National Champion. After all, sports will save us from an Orwellian nightmare of Massive Oligarchical Collectivist distopia. As you said, "This is important!"

Perhaps you think I'm getting riled up with delusions of grandeur that BYU has a shot this year. In case you didn't notice, our psychopath at quarterback nearly flipped out again in our stunning win over Oklahoma tonight. I have no title aspirations for my Cougars. But I want equality. Truth. Justice. If you want to go after fat-cats who oppress the downtrodden, fix the BCS. Raise a tribunal on those greedy punks that will make the steroid hearings a joke. Pander to me. Give me red meat.

If you break up the BCS, I will vote for you in 3 years. Depending on how the playoff system works out and if I have my fingers crossed right now as I type (amazing, I know). In politics we prize the middle ground and this is it. Make the American people proud. Cement your legacy and save us from M.O.C. distopia. Destroy the anti-trust BCS system. Be a man. Make it happen. YES YOU CAN!!! [Woooooo...]

Perhaps you are asking how? This is probably the most difficult task on the planet besides global warming and ensuring the new Green Religion is not separated from the state. Just use the trick you pulled to beat out Hillary. I'm sure those sadistic, toadish oppressors of the BCS will cave to your irresistible power:

Daddy Unicorn

Today I'd like to share a video that is a perfect representation of how my kids assault me when I'm tired. All I ask is that you replace the name "Charlie" with "Daddy" and you'll see how things are with me and my girls.

Here is the greatest tribute to Pachelbel's Canon in D of all times. Be sure to stick it out to the end as that's where the best stuff happens.

1984 in 2009

Yesterday I had to make a trip up to Casper WY by car, so I decided to hear a classic book on audio, 1984, by George Orwell. Orwell wrote this in 1948 as a warning of an impending massive oligarchical collectivist distopia if Communist ideals were fully embraced. Sounds heavy. I'm going to assume you know something about the book. If not, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nineteen_Eighty-Four. Leave it to me to come up with some absurd thoughts while listening to the unabridged recording:

• Big Brother - He is everywhere on posters, with his enormous mustache and eyes that follow you. Today we now understand that Chuck Norris is Big Brother. Here's why: http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/
• Telescreen - Orwell's idea of the telescreen was visionary. Now that we have web-cams built into most modern monitors and laptops, the idea of the government being able to watch us at all times is getting closer. Where he missed the boat was the idea that telescrens would only be for propaganda. More on that in a bit.
• New Speak - In 1984, this is how the M.O.C. government uses words to control thought. Today we call it being politically correct or P.C. Even that has become too cliche and the expression Culturally Sensitive is more appropriate. Terrorists are Insurgents? And yet I'm still a Mormon right-wing nut job. Give me some 84'. Newspeak was another brilliant prediction by Orwell. I'm no English major, so the explanations of the new condensed language went over my head, until he said the opening of the Declaration of Independence would simply be translated as: Thought-crime.
• Winston - The main character, Winston Smith is like Neo (from the Matrix). He knows there is something wrong with the world, can't exactly say what it is and will heroically try to do something about it. In 1984 fashion, instead of becoming a messiah, he gets the snot tortured out of him until he becomes sane (insane). He also has a thing for smoking cigarrets. In 2009, his name would more appropriately be McDonald, a pitiful man addicted to greasy, synthetic cheeseburgers.
• War is Peace - Orwell's big mistake comes here. He totally missed the boat on the power of sports to captivate the human mind and enslave them to a personally meaningless cause. Avraham Gileadi decries sports as the worship of false idols, comparable to the gladiator games causing the downfall of Roman rule. Orwell didn't see a world filled with ESPN 8 ("The Ocho"), fantasy sports, instant mobile sports news, sling-box, DVR and enormous time spent in front of Telescreens, were the people could be watched and controlled. As a young man, I found a good outlet for my violent tendencies in football (and heavy metal). http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qa3852/is_199901/ai_n8838371/. If the M.O.C. had realized this, they would have gone the way of modern China and the former C.C.C.P., training athletes from birth, allowing people to spend all of their "surplus" energy and emotion on sports, rather than a constant state of war.

So I came away from this book convinced capitalism is good, socialism is bad and sports will save the world. That pretty much sums up us knuckle dragging inbred religious conservatives. Of course, my crowd still believes in the 2-minute hate (AKA - Organized Religion) and the idea that "Ignorance is Strength" as we shield our children from the base and vile things of the world.

Perhaps if Orwell had known about Hypno Toads, he would have had the M.O.C. use them instead of ghastly torture sessions in the Ministry of Love:

Mr. Fair - I have now finished my book report. I demand a change to my Sophomore high school transcript from a C- to a gentleman's C.

Worst Grief Video EVER

One of the reasons I love hair metal is the awkwardness of it. Below is a prime example. It could be the worst grief video ever. Period. The end. (The corporate punk sell-outs at Youtube won't let me embed it so you'll have to break a finger and click on the link):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NF_-_MVfFiw

At least Coldplay got the grieving video right. Check it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V3Kd7IGPyeg

I think I'd like to see an entire film done backwards. If you have any recommendations, please share.

BTW - Kip Winger "supposedly" went to my middle school. My science teacher told a girl we have the desk he sat in encased in glass sealed up in the basement. Perhaps I'll make it my own Mission Impossible stunt to break into the basement and heroically turn the desk over to the hair metal preservation alliance... unless the teacher was only joking, but who would do such a thing???

Stepping up to the Plate

A good friend of mine graciously invited me to sample some fantastic food and take in a great Rockies game last night. While at the game, the subject of theme music before stepping up to the plate came up. Naturally 80's hair metal came up in my mind. I've been told that I'm a wishy-washy indecisive person, so I have made my final pick. However, I have 4 alternates waiting. Here is my list:

1. Whitesnake - Here I go Again
2. Judas Priest - Turbo Lover
3. Enter Sandman - Metallica
4. Check Yo Self - Ice Cube
5. The Power - Snap

Of course, I started thinking about lame songs to walk up to as well:

1. Hit me baby one more time - Brittany Spears
2. Vogue - Maddona
3. Lovefool - The Cardigans
4. Hangin' Tough - New Kids on the Block
5. Copacabana - Barry Manilow

Of course I have to give Jake his due, with one of his choices: I'm Too Sexy - Right Said Fred. My top pick is in the player on the left. Rock on.

Dear John

Many moons ago, I vented all of my anger about Brett Favre's return to football. I stand by everything I said last time: http://fletchword.blogspot.com/2008/08/man-crush.html. However this time something is missing. John Madden.

Yes, Mr. Madden had perhaps the greatest man crush of all time on Favre. I think it is only appropriate that he commemorate Favre's return by un-retiring himself and getting behind the mic again to drool all over the object of his desire. Here is a classic demonstration of the Man Crush:

So I'm now offering up the anti-Dear John to John: ... come back. We love you. Brett needs you. You need each other. Here is one more clip just for grins and the good times:

Impending Doom with Quotes

Perhaps you felt a chill this evening. Tonight I witnessed a truly horrific sight. The end of all things... Broncos. As I knew them. Did you know that no other franchise has won more games over the last 25 than the Denver Broncos other than the Pittsburgh Steelers? As a fan of the Orange Crush, 4th Quarter miracles and two redemptive Super Bowl victories, I have been nourished. But now the famine begins and I cannot drink my salty tears.

Kyle Orton is an abomination and desecrates the field of battle every time he dons a Broncos uniform. The two moments I tuned into tonight's preseason game, I was treated to interceptions. Like a two merciless nails being slammed into my coffin of childhood faith. Here is my lament, borrowed from a poet:

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message The Broncos are Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

Football was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever; I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one:
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods:
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

BRING WOOD AND OIL!!! I will now light myself on fire (again). You can listen to my death lament song Adagio for Strings in the player on the left to help the grieving tears flow.

Quotes - Within my family to understand our language one must speak in "quote" (the pun was intended). Thanks to the astonishing miracle of the Internet, I've been able to compile a few favorites on the left for your minor edification and entertainment. May they bring sense, reason and humor to daily life as they continually do mine.

Bandwagons & Babylon

I think I have a diagnosis for the sickness of American culture. I call it "Bandwagon Syndrome." Of course not everyone jumps on every bandwagon that passes and there are plenty of weirdos out there that could use a trip on a normal bandwagon. What I'm really saying is that bandwagons are a tool of the great Satan Corporate America to enslave us and blind our eyes to the truth. Bandwagons = Babylon.

I'm happily guilty of riding on several bandwagons lately: The Denver Nuggets, the Twilight SAGA, the Harry Potter SAGA, Gorilla Diets, Facebook and Yanni. Yes, Yanni was for real.

Twitter is the latest fad to hit mainstream America with disturbing acceptance. To battle this new virus I'd like to share THE AGITATIONIST'S 15 Reasons Twitter Must Die: http://agitationist.com/15-reasons-twitter-must-die

If you don't read the article, it can be summed up as "Twitter is just another tool to replace the voices in your head, ignore your soul-crushing job, and numb you to the yawning chasm of emptiness that is your life."

GET UP!!! - I'm convinced the key to productivity lies in getting up early. Which is nearly impossible for me. Why? Because I'm a night owl watching movies, reading books or running my mouth in a social gathering. Many cite the Lord being an early riser: Mark 1: 35, Luke 21: 38, John 8: 2, John 21: 4 as reason for getting up early. Clearly I need to depart the ways of Babylon to get on track. If I became an early riser, I would be more effective at work, exercising and daily worship. So, here and now I commit to going to bed on time so I can stop being such a worthless slacker.

Road Trip Part Deux

The second half of my summer vacation has come and gone. It was great to see the fam in So Cal. Here are some random thoughts:

• "Total Lobster Dude" - Since my time in the sun was limited, I decided to wear SPF 4 Hawaiian Tropics competition formula sunscreen to maximize my tanning moments. Yes it smells good, made me hungry for Pina Coladas, but an ultra white boy like me just can't do that much sun in two days. Back in the day, a friend of my sister's was awarded the title of "TOTAL LOBSTER" by some surfers in California. I now claim the title, but I'm too sore to lift my arms over my head.
• Beverage Destruction - Enchanted by the ineffective tanning lotion, I decided to make some triple extra virgin Pina Coladas. Ever since I paid through the nose for a mega-virgin $8 Pina Colada in Maui (with a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup on top), I've sought to re-create that amazing beverage again. However, this was a sad attempt my friends. My Pineapple juice was not sweet enough, the coconut milk came from a bad cow and I think the Beverage gods frowned upon the whole thing. Toward the end of blending, the machine groaning beneath the sickening foam gave up the ghost and broke. Others drank it to spare my feelings as I wallowed in deep virgin P.C. shame.
• Duex Mas - Never watch Lakeiew Terrace and Taken back-to-back. It will crush your spirit and fluffy bunnies. To be fair, Taken was a totally awesome movie. Qui-Gon Jinn as he was meant to be. Not since Commando has one man opened up a can righteous indignation with such ruthless results!!! [elbow smashing - YEAH!!]. Needless to say, late at night Julie will find me awake, staring into the mirror, while reciting:

"I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you."

• Captain Christopher Pike - This guy would make the best Priest's Quorum advisor ever...His speech to a wayward youth would go something like this: "Your old man baptized 50 people in Afghanistan. You could settle for less than a spiritual life. I dare you to do better. Enlist to serve a mission."
• The Historian - This has nothing to do with my road trip, but was a fantastic book about several historians searching for clues to find the real Dracula's tomb. I don't scare too much, but this one freaked me out a bit. Good suspense, interesting story. Check it out for an alternative to the "Edward, you are so dripping H-O-TT Hot!" Twilight stuff. BTW, is anyone left on Team Jacob?

Cheers to each and every one of you staying cool and having a great summer.