Food Club for Women

This evening I got a steaming hot plate of cockamamia from the Boss. As her "colleagues" showed up for their monthly venture of tasting Denver, I was informed tonight's outing was not the usual visit to a new restaurant but a "planning meeting."

Seriously? A not-so-secret yet exclusive club made by women for women to taste food but not in the presence of men.

That just sounds evil. Why not just call it Food Club for Women? That's a non-threatening name us husbands can get behind. All men belong the universal Food Club for Men which has its annual high holidays during Thanksgiving and the Superbowl. Notice on those two holidays, we men get a bizarre, yet wonderful pass to eat as much as we can and not do any cooking or dishes.

So I guess the FCW strikes back at the heart of inequality by making us dudes stay home, clean and watch the children while they "taste" food with no dishes, men or responsibility. 12x per year....

Boycott 3-D Star Wars

When I was a kid, Star Wars wasn't just cool, it was AWESOME. Darth Vader was actually scary and even the Ewoks couldn't ruin Jedi. Life was good. 

Then came the re-release of the trilogy with the "special enhancements." But I was in a time capsule at the time so I did not see these movies on the big screen. Only continued thoughts about the vastness and importance of eternity BARELY kept me from going insane with jealousy within my time capsule. 

Next, I was punched in the face by the Phantom Menace. Then the Clones attacked me, until all I had on my mind was Revenge.

Now I laugh at Chad Vader, George Lucas jokes and kiddie clone wars cartoons. 

DUDE. WHERE'S MY FRANCHISE??

I refuse to let George Lucas have more of my hard earned cash for a technology that is a complete money making scam. Yes, the upcoming release of the saga in 3-D is nothing but a complete ruse to take people's hard earned cash and enrich a man who lost all his creative talent in 1984. This non-sense of Lucas making more and more money off releasing the same movies over and over again HAS GOT TO STOP!!! I WILL NOT SUPPORT IT ANY LONGER. VOTE WITH YOUR WALLETS AND MAKE THAT MAN RETREAT TO SKYWALKER RANCH FOREVER!!!

ok I'm done.

Plastic Cookies?

What comes but once a year and cannot be bought at a store? What non perishable food never lasts longer than 24 hours?

Precious Girl Scout Cookies.

In honor of these saturated wafers of unholy goodness, I now present my top 5 GSC's.

     5. Lemonades - Almost lemon barish, but not quite
     4. Trefoils - I must be getting old...
     3. Samoas - Yes, the name takes me to a tropical place with coconuts rich in fat
     2. Tagalongs - Cookie, chocolate and peanut butter. Almost as much of a winner as Star Wars in 77.
     1. Thin Mints - These will go on a future list of foods I am convinced are laced with Heroin.

At nearly 63% saturated fat, these babies could survive in my apocalyptic nightmare cannibal gang survival kit for nearly 20 years.  And who says plastics foods are bad? Even the cannibal gang members will be eating them before they eat me.

Genesis and Execution

At the beginning of this season I had some mild hopes for the Broncos. So I decided to organize a small gathering to watch the game. I knew they were not a good team, but I was excited for the return of football and had my hopes crushed by the Raiders. I vowed to never host another game the rest of the season. So at the end of the season, I thought I could dodge my oath by getting someone else to host the game. But once again, my team gets pasted when two or more are gathered in their name.

Here is a clip from the game in case you missed it. You need to watch to the end for the full effect of what happened tonight.

Let's face it. Everybody hates the Patriots almost as much as Ivan Drago and his supermodel wife and the jerk pulling his strings.

"THROW THE TOWEL! THROW THE DAMN TOWEL!!" John Fox should have got out the lacy-pink panties hidden in his sock midway into the 3rd quarter and thrown them on the field and forfeited the game. But NOOOOooooooo. We had to sit through to the bitter end because the fourth quarter is "Tebow Time." Apparently when the other team is prepared and uninjured, the Broncos are one of the worst teams in football... lying on the floor bloody and dead.

At first I wanted to wash my mouth out with Listerine. Next the Boss asks me to make a run to Walgreens. While in the store I considered purchasing an enema kit.

If it dies, it dies. I was entertained and now its time to face reality. I'm never organizing another Broncos event as long as I live.

Artsy Fartsy Critic Time

To some of you, the movies I watch are dreadful. Well, its more like all of you. So whether you are planning to "Neanderthal" someone or just waste your time watching lame or high-brow cinema, here are some notes on a few films I've seen in recent memory.

Quick observation before we get started. If reviews of a film focus more on the director than the plot or the actors, you know you are watching an "artsy-fartsy" film.

Certified Copy - This flick was made by Abbas Kiarostami (some Iranian dude) staring Ms. Binoche (the original not the copy = Julia Ormond / if you watch this movie only then will you get this pathetic joke) and some British dude. Its an art-house film so naturally its difficult to explain and fascinating to watch people talk for 90 minutes with no apparent resolution. I'd prefer you go into it cold so it messes with your head. Of course I loved it and highly recommend it.

Another Earth - [Note to Self: Gravity does not matter] Don't let the title trick you into thinking this is a sci-fi film. Its all about loneliness, regret, and the possibility of who you could be. This won the Sundance film festival so I naturally wanted to watch it just because it won. I like winners. I also liked this movie. Maybe not the best ever, but interesting and the saw musical sequence was brilliant. You will also notice that Ethan from Lost can't seem to act without being asked to strangle someone. Typecast for life. Nine thumbs up - thank you Homer.  

Warrior - So this isn't high-brow, its the antithesis... HUMAN COCK FIGHTING!!! If you liked Rocky, this MMA fest should be up your alley and make you want to work out in chains with dogs and death metal... or Bach? I actually found it to be a well made movie and could hardly breathe during the last 10 minutes. A fantastic way to waste time while watching people beat each other to a bloody pulp. SDMA Mad Dog should be ashamed if he has not seen this already. I want him to do color commentary on the sequel. Or just record himself commenting on this movie. I'll play it back while watching and pay him $5.00 for his efforts. He can then re-sell it on E-bay 10,000 times for a hefty profit, providing he doesn't get flamed out.

The Tree of Life - Many critics have this as their top movie of 2011. It is non-linear. The plot is almost non-existent. There are multiple scenes of outer-space and dinosaurs mixed in with a family in Texas from the 1950 who suffers the loss of a child. Of course I loved it!! Let me just say this film is intended to be art, not a typical narrative of a story. If you enjoyed Baraka, then this is up your alley. For the LDS crowd, this film has elements of the macro or cosmos and then breaks its meaning down to a family and how grace and nature are at odds with each other. Sound like a movie you have seen over and over again? OK - Its not really the same thing at all, I'm just trying to get you to watch this. If anything the visuals are stunning. If you can go to a museum, look at art and trying to get some meaning from it, then you can do the same thing here.

Soylent Green - I know. I know. I have no life. I watched this after discovering it starred the Great Charleston Heston. This was high-brow or activist propaganda at one time so it belongs in this post. Considering the movie is supposed to take place in 2022, the unintentional comedy was tremendous. Its actually not that bad of a movie if you can laugh with it. The suicide parlor at the end is both touching and humorous. - Yes, I am a sick individual. And of course, I raised my hand at the end and shouted with Moses: SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!!!

Now go dupe someone else into watching these movies.

Miracles or Injuries?

I'm elated over the Broncos win today. I'm keeping my promise to just be entertained by Tebow and ride the gravy train as long as it runs. However, it seems like all of our miracles come against teams fighting with one hand  tied behind their back. Here is the breakdown on the wins with Tebow under center this year:

Week 7 - Dolphins: This was a bizarre pseudo home game for Tebow with the Gators being honored. Home team didn't get the 12th Man.

Week 9 - Raiders: Carson Palmer starts after recent trade and no McFadden who absolutely roasts our D.

Week 9 - Chiefs: Legit and absolutely hideous win with only 2 completed passes. Broncos become a joke around the NFL.

Week 11 - Jets: LT missing, Jet's rushing attack not what it normally would be.

Week 12 - Chargers: I don't recall any major injuries for the Chargers, they just choked against us multiple times. Lucky to get the win. Von Miller is officially a stud.

Week 13 - Vikings: No Adrian Peterson? That guy is a mythical beast.

Week 14 - Bears: No Cutler or Forte (top rusher). It still takes an astonishing beyond all measure sequence of events to win, earning Tebow a SNL spoof.

Week 18 - Steelers: Rothlisberger plays on one leg, top running back down, top tackler missing from defense not to mention half the starting D-line. Tebow has his best game ever. This combo allows for a history making OT win with an incredible play by Demerius Thomas (that draft pick doesn't seem like such a bust anymore...)

All but two wins came against teams with some serious problems. I'm thrilled our .500 team won a playoff game, but don't believe the hype that this team is for real. [unless Divine Will intercedes]

Prediction for next week: Our run defense will continue to get gashed and we still can't cover those TE's. It was great to have so much gravy when the boat seemed empty, but the last meager drops will not drown a hungry NE biscuit.

Top Sports Guy Cartoons

Some of you may know Bill Simmons from ESPN. But you may not know about his quick hit cartoons from the mid 2000s. Enjoy.



I especially loved the dynamite on the leg.



Best comedy on network TV. Bar. None.



Thank goodness the Boss does not watch the Bachelor or any of its sub-incarnations.

Condor Man - Best Disney Movie Ever!!!

Many of you are probably not familiar with this film. So will now fulfill my purpose to expose you to the great hidden jems of the 80s. As a boy under the age of 5 I was enthralled with this show. Does it get any better than Michael Crawford (Phantom of the Opera) trotting the globe as a CIA created super hero battling the KGB at the peak of Cold War awesomeness? The theme song makes me feel 5 all over again.

2011 BONUS - Now I can enjoy literally every second due to its unintentional comedy factor. Get set for some serious Porsche Death Squad action. Enjoy!!







Its a pure shame Walt never lived to see this film made...

Illuminati Blood Cults and Christmas Eve

Thanks to an idea from The Shaunz this evening I discovered that my family has been missing essential Christmas Eve protection for nearly 40 years. A common tradition for some families and communities is to display luminaries on Christmas Eve. These are paper bags filled with sand and tea candles which create a nice "illuminated" effect.

We tell our children these bags act like lights along a runway so Santa can land at our house. However such a tradition is obscenely false.

What is the real reason people set out these dangerous bags of light? People may have a host of concocted notions, but in my usual custom of giving you the Straight Dope, I will now lay some deep, secret knowledge on you.

According to Wikipedia, the modern incarnation of Santa Clause got popular around 1820. We now have a depiction of a man with supernatural powers including flight, use of subatomic space to store 50 billion presents in one bag and quasi-omniscience to know if everyone is "naughty or nice." Does this sound like a force to be reckoned with? Absolutely!

You're probably thinking "But Santa is a nice guy! He's not evil. He brings us presents and is a symbol of Christmas. HOW DARE YOU DEFAME ST. NICK!!!"

Its all a cover up for Santa's real purpose. He uses those previously mentioned powers to eliminate enemies of the Illuminati. Think of him as their personal hit man. The chief of a ruthless and efficient Blood Cult. The red and white that he wears? Symbolic of the blood he spills and the bones he crushes. The present he brings? A quick death. Why the reindeer? They eat the carcasses of the slain. Through black magic, this gives them the power of flight.

Sure Santa may distribute a few gifts here and there to keep up the facade. But don't be fooled. Since 1820 the NWO run by the Illuminati has been bumping off those that get in their way via a "present from Santa."

But to those willing to invoke symbolism of the Illuminati there is protection. As long as you geek out over Dan Brown novels and act like all their symbolic stuff is really important, you are bowing the knee and they will not view you as a threat. So for nearly 100 years people have set out flammable paper bags with candles in them as a sign for Santa to pass by their house as they pay tribute to the NWO of the Illuminati (headquartered in DIA http://fletchword.blogspot.com/2011/10/dia-will-become-world-headquarters-of.html).

As with any Blood Cult, they are doing the opposite of Biblical precedent. Moses told the children of Israel to mark their doors with the blood of an unblemished lamb so that the Destroying Angel would pass them by. The NWO is simply trying to use the same tactic to their own nefarious ends and preserve their followers.

Of course I'm not the only one who is onto this. The folks a Futurama obviously know about the North Pole Blood Cult, but are afraid to tell the whole truth like I've just done. So they act like sometime in the future a robot Santa gone rouge will terrorize the world each Xmas. Look it up if you want.

Hopefully the information in this post will save your family from impending slaughter and the hands of the Blood Cultists up north. Merry Christmas!

The Ultimate Polar Express Analysis

Earlier this month, I attended a viewing of the Polar Express at an IMAX theater for a charity event. This is a movie that typically plays in my house every year, but due to the hustle and bustle of the season I've never really sat down and focused on it like this. As I watched, I realized this movie is loaded with symbolism and has a great message for both kids and adults without getting too preachy. Please note I'm assuming you gentle readers have seen the movie, otherwise this may be tough to follow.

The story centers around a boy who has doubts about Santa Claus. His parent's remark it is the "end of the magic" for their son. He has lost his faith, wants to believe but can't get over his doubts. Just as he is about to drift off to sleep on Christmas Eve, he is awakened by the Polar Express. The Conductor invites him onto a train which takes him on a journey to the north pole to meet Santa and rekindle his faith. During the story, the boy encounters various children on the train, as well as the Conductor, a Hobo (ghost), Engineers and later in the North Pole, the Big Man himself. Let's start with the kids and the Parable of the Sower (see Matt 13).

1. Boy / Know-it-all / Wayside - This kid is so proud of his intellect focused on showing others how smart he is that he can't appreciate the magic of the ride or help anyone else (2NE 9:28-29). The word just bounces off this guy. The only cure for this is to LEARN to be humble - as the Conductor rightfully put onto his ticket for the journey home. 
2. Boy / Poor & Dejected / Stony Places - This kid has had a hard life on the wrong side of the tracks. Christmas or faith just doesn't work out for him after many disappointing experiences. He has no hope due to all of the rocks in his life and the word cannot get into his heart. In fact, he will won't even sit with the other kids once on the train and enjoy the ride because he thinks his rocks make him less important.
3. Boy - Protagonist / Lost his Faith / Thorns - The central character is doubting the reality of Santa. The Hobo taunts him saying you don't want to be duped, bamboozled, taken for a fool. This boy has let the cares of the world and how he looks to others take over. The Conductor invites him to simply BELIEVE and not let what other think bother him. He follows this counsel through the rest of his life. 
4. Girl / Christmas Cheer / Good Ground - Isn't it interesting to note that it is the female gender that just naturally gets it? She cares about others: listens to them, helps them feel welcome, shares (hot chocolate), sings with the boy (fellowship) and help the Conductor with the train. Most of all, she can hear the bell even when its not in sight or seemingly far away. Everyone is better off due to the part she played in the story. The Conductor invites her to LEAD the way and let her light shine. 

Onto the next set of symbolic characters: Conductor, Hobo and Santa - or the Godhead.

1. Hobo / Holy Ghost - This guy initially seems scary and identifies himself as a ghost. He plays on the boy's doubts, "seeing is believing" but ultimately helps him along the way and saves his life. (I admit its not a perfect allegory, but close enough).
2. Conductor / Jesus Christ - He brings children to Santa's presence and acts as the Mediator. He is helped by the Ghost and teaches important lessons to the children and offers the only passageway into the kingdom.
3. Santa / God the Father - Represents the source of all good gifts and the spirit of Christmas. Other than the gifts he brings to us (unseen), the only way we can enjoy his presence is through  the Conductor.    

Interesting that all three of these characters are played by the same actor, by design and not to be cheap or to aggrandize Tom Hanks (well, maybe just a little bit). 

Finally, the key symbol in this film is the Bell. Throughout the movie, the boy cannot hear the bell because he has no faith. Despite everything the Ghost and the Conductor did for him in getting him to the heart of the North Pole, he still had trouble believing. I think we are often the same way with all of the gifts and blessings we have in our lives and yet because of the rocks in our garden or the cares and thorns of the world, we cannot hear or feel the music of the soul. After realizing he may not be able to see Santa due to the crowds, the boy picks up the bell (his faith) and musters his desire to believe, letting go of confirmation by sight. That act of faith invites the music into his life and Santa suddenly appears visible in the reflection of the bell. By exercising our faith, we can have God's presence not only near us, but within us, which is what makes great music so wonderful.

Many of us have had a great spiritual experience where our faith was rewarded. But once again as the cares of the world set in, we forget to hold on tight to our bell and hear the music. When it is gone, we are sad and may even despair that we can't get it back. But just when all hope seems lost, the gift returns to us by God's grace or a Divine Gift. Santa returning the bell shows how mindful God is of each of us individually. 

The boy learned his lesson well and retained the music in his heart for the rest of his life, even when others lost faith (Alma 5:26).

That may be the best message of all in this story. Being able to increase our childlike faith through the years. Taking the spirit and music of Christmas beyond the season and sharing it with others.

Christmas Can-Can

I hope this adds to your enjoyment of the holidays:

Mile High Magic

Once again the Denver Broncos football TEAM wins after an inexplicable comeback. Hats off to Matt Prater, who was the MVP in my mind. Was Tebow great in the 4th quarter and OT? Absolutely. Did the Broncos get lucky? Of course.

Tebow should put Marion Barber on his Christmas Card list and thank Cutler and Forte for getting hurt. Let's not forget Charles Barkley for invoking more underdog karma on Tebow as well:

“I want to make a personal plea to Lance Briggs, Brian Urlacher, Mr. [Julius] Peppers, please stop the madness,” Barkley said Friday on ”The Waddle & Silvy Show” on ESPN 1000. “I’m just so tired … I like Tim Tebow. He seems like a good kid, and I wish him success, but I am Tebowed out. So this is my personal plea for you three guys, please stop this madness.”

[Tuhrrible, just tuhrrible]

Anyone who thinks God really cares about this team winning is nuts. Our players are starting to talk like its divine intervention. I'm sure some of the Bear's players said their prayers too. I get frustrated when players act like God is favoring them and find it bordering on sacrilege. I appreciate their desire to give God the glory and honor him, but when you start saying he likes you better than the next guy, I draw the line. Acts 10:34 - God is no respecter of persons.

I will concede that divine intervention may occur if it serves a higher purpose. At the least, it is a huge media story that focuses on a young man who is unafraid to talk about Jesus Christ, his faith and how it impacts his life. Perhaps God is letting all of us see the formula at work: Faith + Intense Effort = Miracles. Its a great message to have around during the Christmas season and in a world with plenty of economic and social unrest.

I will say it here and now: if Denver wins the Super Bowl, it will be the biggest sports story of all time. I still feel like I'm watching a movie every week. Heck, I could see a Moneyball type of film being made out of this season alone. The lock-out, Elway and Fox taking over, disastrous training camp, Orton getting benched, the billboards around town, the Miami comeback which was effectively a homecoming for Tebow, the list goes on... At least make this movie as an addendum to the 30 for 30 series.

Now for my Nostra-fletch-a-damus predictions.

1. The Broncos loose to the Patriots next week. Why? See my prior post about Tom Brady's hair. Tebow still can't touch that. http://fletchword.blogspot.com/2011/10/hair-power-responsibility.html
2. Broncos win the division (not a big surprise)
3. Broncos loose in the first round of the playoffs - the intensity of those games requires four quarters of  your best effort. We clearly can't do that yet. 

Until next week with 2 minutes to go...

Steak n Shake - Worth the Wait?

The great burger chain Steak n Shake has made its way to Denver. Some folks call it the In-n-Out of the east coast. I call it a very..................................................long wait in line. I pulled into line at 1:16 PM. I pulled out a 2:32 PM. The final insult is pulling up to the second window and watching the clock inside tick away showing how long you have been there. My time at the final window? 7:48.

Was the food worth the wait? Ultimately, I'd say no. Great by fast food standards but unfortunately, I didn't have nostalgia on my side to ease the pain as I reminisced in line. Good as In-n-Out? No. Especially since these guys are missing all of the fun animal style stuff. Plus IIO knows how to make a line move fast.

I must acknowledge this is within the first month of opening and the line was bound to be long. I think the wait says more about me than it does the joint. 

1. I am willing to spend a tremendous amount of time to eat something that will kill me.
2. After figuring for opportunity cost, I just blew hundreds of dollars to eat something that will kill me.
3. I spent enough time in line today to have my wife kill me.  

Death surrounds this place. "YOU KNEW WHAT I WAS WHEN YOU PICKED ME UP." And now for a  classic video.

They did apologize to me for the wait as I left. I think they should have said, "Thanks for waiting and being a moron." At least when I waited this long at Krispy Kreme I got a free doughnut while waiting in line. And what's with these places serving greasy food handing out paper hats? Its like wearing a dunce hat. Look at how long I waited in line to eat grease!

Once again, very tasty, but wait another year and enjoy your food without the time value of money guilt added onto the typical fast food guilt.

Starbucks Malice

Remember the lady who sued McDonald's for spilling some hot coffee in her lap? I think I'm going to file the same claim against our extra foamy frappuccino friends. I'm on the road today and had to get some wifi access so I came into Starbucks and felt it would only be decent to order something if I'm going to use their internet access.

I don't drink coffee, and I suppose getting an herbal tea from this place is like going into a bar and purchasing a soda. Come visit me in the Telestial Kingdom if you can spare the time. But back to the story.

I order this tea, fire up my lap top and take a sip. YEAHHHHHHRRRHHHGHAAAAHH!!!!! (Dean Scream) Are they trying to cover poor quality or the fact they spit in my drink by destroying my taste buds? Its not like I'm in dire pain, but I doubt I'll be able to taste anything for a few days or get that "normal" feeling in my tongue back. Perhaps I am being punished for supporting a coffee establishement when it generally goes against my personal beliefs.

President McKay gave one of my all-time favorite quotes on "hot drinks" and why we avoid them.

"There is a substance in tea and coffee which when taken into the human system, tends to increase the beating of the heart; which in turn increases the rapidity of the circulation of the blood and of breathing. This causes the body to become warmer and more exhilarated. After a time, however, this temporary enlivenment passes off, and the body is really in a greater need of rest and recuperation than it was before the beverage was taken. Stimulants are to the body what the lash is to the lagging horse—it causes a spurt forward but gives no permanent strength or natural nourishment. Frequently repetitions of the lash only make the horse more lazy; and the habitual use of strong drink, tobacco, tea, and coffee, only tends to make the body weaker and more dependent upon the stimulants to which it is addicted." Teachings of Presidents of the Church: David O. McKay, (2003), 102–11.

Not only are hot drinks a lash to the soul, they are a lash to the tongue.

Modmarket

I'm happy to report I've found a restaurant that serves a salad my mother would be proud of. Appropriately named - SUPERFOOD. It included Spinach, KALE, Beet slices, Carrot slices, Almonds, Grapes, Feta and Quinoa (Keen-wa). Delicious? Absolutely. Affordable? $5.50 for more than I could eat. Will I be going back? Of course.

I must confess I also tried the Arugula Pizza which included Prosciutto, Pear Gorgonzola and Olive Oil and was quite pleased. Good quality food and the atmosphere was contemporary with the warmth of the fire from the pizza oven glowing in the background. This place is a Panera Bread style establishment where you order, get your own drink, sit down and wait for them to call your order - Good meal without the cost of a tip. Instead of featuring a bakery, they offer wood cooked pizzas and specialize in salads. If anything, I'd describe it as California Cafe Express. I don't know that I've tried enough of the menu to give it a rave review, but I will definitely be going back. I've heard the natural sodas are fabulous as well. This place is located where Blockbuster used to be at Arapahoe and Yosemite. Here are the photos.

 

Are You Not Entertained?

Once again the Broncos have inexplicably won a game with a mere 229 yards of total offense. Tebow plays like garbage for 3.5 quarters and then goes into Tebow-time mode. And I'm sitting in front of my TV upset, worrying about the future of the franchise. What the heck is wrong with me? This is classic sports entertainment! I'm worried about a sports team's future at the expense of the moment? If Tebow can win like this on the road next week, this is what it will look like at the end of the game.

Yes, who cares if its ugly and brutal... its COMPELLING. The only thing I can't stand about this is the way Tebow ruins sports talk radio and makes it so one dimensional. The real reason the Broncos have been winning games is due to our defense actually figuring out how to hold another team under 17 points. Football experts despise this guy. Why not just enjoy the ride?

The Most Magical Place on Earth

"You Don't Build it for yourself. You know what people want and build it for them." - Walt Disney

Trivia Question: What is the secret to surviving a seven-day trip to Disney World, Universal Studios and LEGOLAND in the Florida humidity?

Vaseline and Gold Bond Medicated Powder.

OK. Now I’ll talk about things you might actually want to know regarding our holiday. Let’s review the events as they unfolded. I'll say up front that if you want my actual photos and videos, find me on the next great social network and see if you can get into one of my five upper-level circles of privilege. 

Pre-vacation: The week leading up to vacation is always stressful. In our case, we have a 3 month old Monkey, 2.5 year old Gator, a 10 year old Lizard and a Princess Polar Bear (Burr) who just turned eight. Due to the age of these kids, we packed nearly 300lbs of gear in eight bags. Throw in Halloween on Monday, Birthday festivities on Wednesday and a lay-Baptismal service on Friday night and you have a full-fledged circus. Thanks to the stunning intestinal fortitude of the Boss, each of these events went perfectly. The drama was intense and needless to say I got wide-eyed “I will kill you” glare a few times during the week. I worked at a frantic pace to get my plate cleared so I would not have to work. All of this stress finally manifested just above my face… on Saturday morning I noticed of my receding hairs above forehead had died and turned grey. The stress of preparation for this trip was killer. But it would all be worth it.

Weekend/Travel: Ever heard the expression, “Getting there is half the fun”? In this case it was. We took the bus to the airport so we could reduce our carbon foot print and set an example for the rest of our pagan neighbors that still drive themselves to the airport. Riding the bus with all of the people at the airport is a hoot. I even helped a Chinese lady make change for a $5. When the Boss exclaimed that she forgot the Soy Formula for the baby, a lady who worked at the USO told her to drop by their club on Concourse B and she would hook her up (and who says the dregs of society ride the bus!?). Skycap worked like a charm and we were on our way into the NWO airport. Everyone helping us in security was delightful. The children were marvelous. I was not strip and cavity searched for once. The train ride out to Concourse C was a treat for the kids who screamed with joy as the train sped through the tunnels next to the headquarters for the next world government. I found a perfect waiting spot next to the gate with two escalators that allowed the Gator and Lizard to make continual circles in my presence and avoid boredom. The Boss then appeared glowing with enthusiasm. Her trip to the USO had been an unexpected treat. Not only did they provide our precious CoCo Monkey with much needed formula, but they generously donated several delectable submarine sandwiches, Cool Ranch Doritos™ and cookies. Who says there is no such thing as a free lunch? We were overjoyed and grateful for this bounty. The flight out had some expected fussiness, but no major scandals. We arrived in Orlando and found that our rental van was almost exactly like our Sienna at home and knew it was a good omen for the week. To increase our IQ and good fortune, we stayed at a Holiday Inn Express and savored the hot breakfast and signature warm cinnamon rolls. Later that night the SDMAmadDog Clan arrived with Grammie and we settled into a luxurious 6BR/4BA rental home complete with pool and spa. A relaxing soak in the pool was the perfect way to end the beginning.

Monday – LEGOLAND/Bonus Round at Magic Kingdom: We started Monday with a 45 minute scenic drive over the central Floridian landscape to LEGOLAND. Many of you know this place is for kids 12 and under. Better make that 8 and under. The miniature cities were interesting, rides were great for smaller tikes and the faint of heart. I can’t say I recommend this place unless you have a child that is utterly begging to go. Otherwise, save your time and money for the good stuff. This video sums it up perfectly. http://www.bebo.com/FlashBox.jsp?FlashBoxId=4427978066&

We finished at 5 and still had the shank of the evening, so an older crew of Scrappy, A, The F-word, Ito, Lizard and Condor-man proceeded to the Magic Kingdom. Apparently Monday nights in November are slow. We rolled in an nearly everyone in the park was at the zealously joyous Main Street parade. We seized the opportunity left in the wake of their idleness and did the Haunted Mansion, Pirates of the Caribbean, Thunder Mountain, Splash Mountain, Aladdin, Peter Pan, Space Mountain (2x) and the Motor Raceway all in about 2.5 hours. Heck, during the busy season you might only get one or two rides in. We went home exhausted and content.

Tuesday – Hollywood Studios: We hit all of the usual rides with the kids and had a great time. I’d rank this #2 out of the four Disney Parks with Magic Kingdom at #1 (of course) and Epcot at #3. I didn’t go to Animal Kingdom so out of contempt, I rank it #4. The two best rides in this park are the Tower of Terror and the Aerosmith rollercoaster ride. The Aerosmith ride was a welcome surprise. Think Space Mountain, but 2x faster with loops and corkscrews. Lizard refused to ride at the last second I was forced to enjoy it in solitude. But the Boss and I did make a second run moments later.

Wednesday – Islands of Adventure / Universal Studios:  I must now confess my personal reason for making the trip (family considerations aside) was to visit the Harry Potter’s Wizarding World within the Islands of Adventure Park at Universal Studios. Since so much is in Islands of Adventure, we did not hop over to the older original US theme park. So how did the secret magical world come off? As Ron would say: “BRILLIANT!”

I hate over-hyping things, but this place was SICK. It really felt like I’d stepped into Hogsmeade. This “Island” Has four major attractions. The Castle (Harry Potter’s Forbidden Journey), Buckbeak’s Flight (Fer the yougins) The Tri-Wizard Challenge (two roller coasters named for the Hungarian Horntail and the Chinese Fireball dragons) and simply the scenery of EVERYTHING. I’ve heard other say there is not enough and I must agree. They could do an entire theme park based on Harry Potter and if its anything like this small sampling, it would be stellar. Nothing disappointed me. The line for a Butterbeer was long, but worth it. Its like a mix of a Cream Soda and Root Beer with a creamy sugary foam of goodness on the top that  blesses each sip you take. Needless to say I picked up the souvenir mug so I can pound one at home with nostalgia.  FYI – I prefer the cold Butterbeer over the frozen one, but both are tasty. The main ride (Forbidden Journey) was bar-none the best ride I’ve ever done outside of the Roller Coaster category (that’s a different animal). Its like the Indiana Jones ride at Disney Land on steroids with several IMAX sequences that will blow you away. Its so intense I thought I was going to puke each time I did the ride. That’s saying something for an adrenaline junkie like me. But all of our group (including the kids) survived, so have no fear.  Later that night we dined on the feast for four, with ribs, roast chicken and potatoes, steamed veggies and festive corn on the cob within the Three Broomsticks. It was nearly like eating inside the movie. At this meal, I tried the pumpkin juice. I’ve always thought such a beverage would be hideous, but it was actually quite tasty. Like drinking a pumpkin pie with the tang of apple cider. All of the shops are very well done with tons of lore and items from the books. They are as much fun to explore as the rides. Just waiting in line within the castle was fun. Can you tell my inner child was fulfilled? Without carrying on too much, this is an absolute must see for any Harry Potter fan. I can only hope they tear down the race track behind this attraction and add as much as possible or just open a fully-dedicated park elsewhere. This will still be cool 50 years from now, the same way we still dig all the classic Disney stuff.

The rest of the park was like Disney. 75% shops and restaurants and a few rides. The Spiderman 3-D ride was a lot like the Harry Potter Forbidden Journey and was fantastic. The Hulk roller coaster may be one of the best I’ve ever done. We also got completely soaked on the Jurassic Park river ride. Overall, this was my personal favorite day.

Thursday – Epcot: How do I say this? I just don’t get it. What is the big deal with this place? It comes off as the most expensive, overblown interactive museum on the planet. You are much better off hitting the local museum and watching Bill Nye the Science guy at home. They had the world cuisine taste fare happening during our visit. For $3-5 a pop, you could get two bites of some Americanized foreign cuisine. (woooo). We spent nearly all day walking around this enormous lake with villages for various countries. I learned about Norway and our future Chinese rulers. Most countries didn’t even have an attraction or show. Just shops and restaurants. (boooo). Captain EO with Michael Jackson was so amazingly bad, I knew George Lucas had to be involved. Soarin over California is about the only thing in the place worth visiting and it would not justify the visit. The iconic Epcot Globe or Spaceship Earth was outdated and not terribly impressive. But we had good family fun so I can’t complain too much. 

Friday – Magic Kingdom Part Duex: Now we assaulted the heart of Disney World with full child entourage. We did the obligatory Small World ride which seems to have uncanny appeal to small children. Go figure. The ride stopped in the last room with the music blaring. I realized the music and noise of that room could be used to break me under interrogation. We all had tremendous fun at the various rides and laughed at all of the corny jokes on the Jungle river ride.  Unexpected surprise of the day was the Monsters Inc. Laugh show. This is done with a screen and the CGI monsters voiced by live comedians (unseen). They pick on people in the audience and tell jokes submitted by text from people in line. The kids absolutely loved it and we truly LOL’d. FYI – avoid Stich’s Escape and the Carousel of Progress. Lame and more lame. At last it was time to leave and I may never visit a theme park for several years to come.

Gripes/Complaints: We skipped many or most of the lines during the whole trip due to a special pass for the Burr and Condorman due to some special needs and problems waiting in line. Even with this bonus, I was completely sick of standing in lines by the end of the week. I don’t know how people can stand to visit these places during peak seasons, especially in the Florida heat and humidity. The number of toll roads to get to the park is incredibly annoying and the signs guiding unfamiliar visitors through the Disney Mega-complex are weak. Get some solid maps or GPS if you go. I’m looking forward to not being in a cattle herd of human flesh on a daily basis and flying Southwest didn’t help shake that feeling on the way home.  

The only way Muggles can experience magic is to be herded like sheep and stand in long lines.

Overall this was a fantastic holiday. Go see Mickey and his minions, but be sure to spare some time for “the boy who lives on” in the great American landscape of theme parks. If you read all of this you now have that sore, tired feeling I had each night before crawling into bed. May your next vacation be as magical, nay more magical that this one. 

Rock Bottom - The Broncos & The Road

I don't know that I can waste much more time blogging about the Broncos this season. I watched the Lions game today and while Tebow was bad, the team was terrible. The O-line just got raped. The defensive secondary is pitiful, Champ can't do everything. Its just bad right now. I'm not sure I can articulate how awesomely bad the situation is. But let's try this:

I got a text message from my mother-in-law today after the game: "Sorry for ur loss."

Wow.

This is a woman whom I've know for 12 years. I don't think we've discussed football more than once for more than five minutes. And yet, here she is offering her condolences for the death of my franchise or perhaps my inner-child (she is a shrink).

I've just created a new test for the badness of your team: When the mother-in-law bothers to offer condolences.

I recently listened to The Road, by Cormac McCarthy in the car. This is an incredibly well-written, but terribly depressing tale of a father and small son trying to survive without hope through a post apocalyptic nightmare. Sounds just like me trying to guide my inner Broncos-child through the wasteland that Josh McDaniels left behind. Here are some chilling quotes from the book that fit my situation well.

"He pulled the boy closer. Just remember that the things you put into your head are there forever, he said. You might want to think about that.You forget some things, don't you? Yes. You forget what you want to remember and you remember what you want to forget. 

He walked out into the gray light and stood and he saw for a brief moment the absolute truth of the world. The cold relentless circling of an intestate earth. Darkness implacable. The blind dogs of the sun in their running. The crushing black vacuum of the universe. And somewhere two hunted animals trembling like ground-foxes in their cover. Borrowed time and borrowed world and borrowed eyes with which to sorrow it. 

He walked out into the road and stood. The silence. The salitter drying from the earth. The mudstained shapes of floating cities burned to the waterline. At a crossroads a ground set with dolmen stones where the spoken bones of oracles lay moldering. No sound but the wind. What will you say? A living man spoke these lines? He sharpened a quill with his small penknife to scribe these things in sloe or lampblack? At some reckonable and entabled moment? He is coming to steal my eyes. To seal my mouth with dirt."

Once again, I give the Broncos Tombstone. I originally had in a prior post from 8/14/2009. http://fletchword.blogspot.com/2009/08/impending-doom-with-quotes.html. Yes, my predictions have come to pass and I cannot bear the truth of it.

Podcasts I Enjoy

This marks my 250th post. Amazing to think I've kept this up for nearly 5 years. I'm hoping I can continue to blog once its become totally irrelevant just to show how old I am.

Over the last month, I've done a tremendous amount of car travel for work. Thankfully there are free books on CD from the library, but I've also become a fan of podcasts as a free way to get hours of audio content. Here are some of my favorite shows. Most can be downloaded in mp3 format from their various websites if you don't belong to Steve Job's cult to the portable audio player of your choice.

• HARDCORE HISTORY - Dan Carlin does an amazing job covering tough topics from the past. His storytelling style is great. I'm no expert so I can't comment on how high he rates on an academic scale (he is a lay-historian), but it is wonderfully entertaining. I recommend the Ghosts of the Osfront series.
• The BS Report - I've been a fan of Bill Simmons for years and this podacast can be amazing when he has the right guest. The Michael Eisner and Al Michaels interviews were particularly awesome. His movie reviews with Adam Carolla (especially fast 5) are downright hilarious. Sometimes his shows with cousin Sal about the gambling lines are lame, but overall this podcast hits the spot for sports fans who also enjoy the history of the game and some other non-sports topics.
• Grantland - This is a Bill Simmons spin off website that has a bunch of staff writers. They also do podcasts. My favorite from this group is Chuck Kolsterman. He loves sports but often discusses pop culture topics as well. His latest show on the rise and fall of MTV was very interesting. 
• PTI - You know the show. Its typically on during the day. Its a nice overview of the current stories in sports.
• Slacker & Steve - These guys are an afternoon show here in Denver that also plays some music. They tend to cover a bunch of social etiquette topics and let people air out the problems for public debate. Shows about embarrassing moments are also popular. Can't miss. 
• Judge John Hodgman - Most comedy podcast have explicit content so I was thrilled to find this clean comedy act. Mr. Hodgman hears disputes over trivial things from people over skype and then passes judgement on them. Its Nerdist humour so of course I love it. Check it out below. 

This whole show is great, but I particularly love the snap judgement that occurs at 28 minutes in the podcast. Which do you think is better? 

Movie Musings

Last night I went to go see In Time with a few friends and here are some thoughts from the experience.

• Once again after the previews were done, I had forgotten which movie I was there to see.
• NO MORE MOVIES ABOUT ALIENS WHO ENGAGE IN HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT WITH THE INHABITANTS OF EARTH. I CALL DOWN BLOOD, THUNDER AND VENGEANCE ON ALL THOSE WHO TRESPASS THIS LAW!!!! 
• In Time is essentially a producer thinking... "Gattaca was a great movie. If we could only do a sequel we'd make a ton of money. Nah... how about if we get Andrew Niccol to recreate that story with a different plot? - BINGO." Now you have In Time, another tale of haves and have-nots only this one is poorly conceptualized, executed and is ultimately a terribly flawed movie. 
• If you've read my post on Avatar, you know I despise blatantly political movies... with a left leaning agenda. This one isn't quite on the same level as Avatar, but on a scale of 1-10 for commercial movies (Documentaries are almost entirely a propaganda machine of the left so they don't count) this one is an eight. 
• From within the first five minutes it was clear this movie was planned in conjunction with Occupy Wall Street.
• Rich people are evil
• Poor people are good and victims of evil
• Capitalism is the meat grinder of Satan and we are just chunks of flesh in the cold, cruel gears of a system designed to give a few people really tasty burgers of oppression. 
• Everyone can be equally wealthy. (I actually don't disagree with this ideal, just differ on methods to get there.)
• Are you sick of bullet points yet?
• I did like the equation of time and money. I often think of purchases in terms of how many hours I had to work for them. If only the movie could have honored the gods of economics (who they basically shunned) and mention "opportunity cost."
• Capitalist pigs would make you want to hit on someone's grandmother
• Capitalist pigs wish they could walk up to you, size you by the wrist and suck away all of your money and  kill you so they can be incrementally happier. - Wait, that does sound just about right. 
• Bad haircuts make a bad movie even worse. 
• I'd go on, but I have to go make money for the corporations sucking me dry. I don't have all day to write this. Time is money and I'm making Warren Buffet IMMORTAL.