2011 Summer Film Rankings

I have blown way too much money at the movies this summer. But I've had a great time doing it. Here is my ranking of the movies I've taken in thus far this summer. And don't get ticked if I give away some spoilers.

8. Green Lantern - Ryan Reynolds made this flick bearable, but the amount of CGI made me feel like I was watching a Star Wars prequel. I'm sure GL purists love the mask, but it was too much CGI for me.

7. Thor - Since I don't bat for the other team, I guess I missed out on the point of this movie. Enough said on that. The Asgard stuff was good, but the scenes on earth were just awkward. I'm still waiting for the Academy to take the Oscar back from Natalie Portman for this movie. My favorite moment? "This drink... I like it! [SMASH] ANOTHER!!" - Justified the whole $200M production.

6. Transformers - I broke my vow to never watch a movie in 3D again and paid the price. Nothing special really jumped out at me. I was stunned that most of the Decepticons were killed at the end. I was pleased this movie didn't feel like a 3-hour recruitment video for the Marines. But I did walk out the theater feeling like a 13 year-old again. For the 3rd time, a perfectly good action movie was messed up by 50 pointless body-shots of a supermodel that does not belong in such a movie.... Look at those explosions! Look at that perfect hair! The wing suits were probably my favorite part of the flick. Amazing stuff there. I'm hoping for a 4th installment so we can see the Constructicons combine to form Devastator and Battle Omega Supreme as the camera pans back and forth between epic mechanical alien battles and sweaty supermodels with epic facial expressions.

5. Super 8 - Like most monster movies, it was really great up until the monster is revealed. I want a movie were aliens either come and enrich mankind or just eradicate us by putting something in the water. This really was a great flick, if you are not prone to blowing money at the box office, its a very worthy rental.

4. Kung Fu Panda 2 - Any movie were Jack Black gets to geek out over Kung-fu works for me. The peacock villain was a great change from a typical bad guy. Lots of fun for the family.

3. X-Men First Class - The camp factor was at a minimum, which is not an easy feat for a comic book film. I think this installment is my favorite of the franchise thus far. McAvoy and Fassbender were great as young Prof. X and Magneto. Kevin Bacon extends the power of his six degrees of separation to the comic book world. Now none can escape him. Can't wait to see X and Mag mix it up in the next chapter.

2. Midnight in Paris - Loved this movie. Hemingway was HILARIOUS! - Just a sample of his dialogue for posterity:

"Yes. It was a good book because it was an honest book, and that's what war does to men. And there's nothing fine and noble about dying in the mud unless you die gracefully. And then it's not only noble but brave."

"All men fear death. It's a natural fear that consumes us all. We fear death because we feel that we haven't loved well enough or loved at all, which ultimately are one and the same. However, when you make love with a truly great woman, one that deserves the utmost respect in this world and one that makes you feel truly powerful, that fear of death completely disappears. Because when you are sharing your body and heart with a great woman the world fades away. You two are the only ones in the entire universe. You conquer what most lesser men have never conquered before, you have conquered a great woman's heart, the most vulnerable thing she can offer to another. Death no longer lingers in the mind. Fear no longer clouds your heart. Only passion for living, and for loving, become your sole reality. This is no easy task for it takes insurmountable courage. But remember this, for that moment when you are making love with a woman of true greatness you will feel immortal."

"No subject is terrible if the story is true, if the prose is clean and honest, and if it affirms courage and grace under pressure."

...Right. This comedy kept me rolling the whole time. Owen Wilson was perfect and it was great to see Rachel McAdams get back to being evil.

1. Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows Part Deux - Hollywood magic at its best. I truly forgot about life for the span of this movie. The final chapter truly did not disappoint me at all. Dare I say the film actually improved on the book with memories from Snape's tears and the memories in the adaptation make his courage and love for Lilly much more compelling than what I originally imagined in the book. The final battle was truly a spectacle. Finally a movie where Voldermort gets plenty of screen time. Radcliffe wasn't amazing, but didn't get in the way of the story either. I'm sure all of the WB execs are wishing they had chosen to split all 7 books into two movies and made $4B instead of $2B. Heck, I would have been game for it. The end is very bittersweet. I came home, looked at my black cat and started hoping it would transform into a witch. I guess I'll just have to wait for the all-mighty JK to roll out new material in the future. This is a very fitting end to a huge franchise. Must be seen on the big screen - Yes CA I'm talking to you. Set your pride aside and enjoy the moment.

BTW - The trailer for the Dark Knight Rises already has my geek-out meter on 10. Until next summer. At least TDKR it will get here before 12-21-2012.

Smoke-out

Yesterday the Boss and I hosted one of the largest gatherings we've ever attempted. Nearly 40 people in the back yard to celebrate the 4th of July with some food, the trampoline, bean bags, Eagles radio and good times. But what took it all to the next level, was not that this was a BBQ or Cookout - it was a Smoke-out.

What exactly is a Smoke-out? I assure you it has nothing to do with the tradition of slowly infusing meats with savory smoke hour after hour. Its the opposite. When you are trying to grill up 40 burgers, 15 bratwurst and 10 hot dogs in a matter of 20 minutes to feed a small platoon the grease from all that meat goes crazy. Plus when the wind carries all of that smoke right into your guests faces, you have a genuine Smoke-out.

The smoke got so thick I thought the back yard looked like a war movie set. But as I shouted out to the choking crowd for takers on two bratwurst I was informed I looked like I was having a Cheech & Chong "up in smoke" moment. As I stood over the grill adding cheese and removing burgers the tears literally streamed down my face. I wept on the 4th of July.

Finally I shut down the grill and enjoyed the fruit of our smoke. You know you stink at grilling when multiple people tell you "poor thing" as they see your bloodshot eyes. Shortly after we finished eating, the F-16s that I ordered did an impressive fly-by over the house. But that wasn't the end of my over-the-top performance. We then proceeded to the street for some crazy illegal suburban fireworks which I happened to pick up in Cheyenne last week during a work trip.

Its sad when the excitement of fireworks is based in whether or not they will burn down the neighbor's house or blow up a parked car in front of a crowd of witnesses. But I was determined to be a good host to the bitter end. Granted, we didn't lite up the rockets or M-150s I picked up (save those for camping), but there were a few fountains that defied gravity and had some serious explosive power. The first crackling fountain sent five of the girls screaming and running for the front porch. The kids also got a kick out of multiple smoke bombs going off at once, continuing the theme of our evening. Apparently, our fireworks were crazy enough to lure some kids out from down the street that were forbidden to have fireworks. I became a corrupter of youth and an enemy of the street.

After the show, our smoke infused friends departed and we headed over to our "Secret Spot" to watch the big fireworks show. I hate to say this, but without the music that goes with the show, 20 minutes of fireworks gets old. Maybe I'm not a true American anymore or I was just Smoked-out.

Lionel Richie IS THE MAN

As I relax on this wonderful holiday weekend, I turn to the great music of the past that embodies the spirit of freedom of expression through music. Although I was too macho to admit I got misty when this song came on the radio as a youth, I can now own up to it. This video is simply amazing!

No one rocked geri curls better than Lionel. The whole plot of forbidden love between a music teacher and a blind student is timeless. Name me one other video with sultry braille reading followed by a life sized bust of the singer that could double as a chia-head. The ending was tribute to the beauty and power of love to overcome all obstacles. Even blindness.

I'm disgusted with most of today's music. Where are the good times? The good feelings? Gone forever. At least we can look back and say, Hello!

Metal Singing Lessons

As an old hair metal enthusiast, I found this to be totally awesome! To be sure to at least watch from 2:18 for the best effect.

Bow to Nostra-Fletch-a-Damus

Yes folks. I called it... though looking through a glass darkly. Pottermore will be a type of MMORPG, just a bit different from the typical one. Rest assured, my predictions for your future are reliable. For $50 I'll take any other challenges.

I can see into your soul...

Pottermore & Virtual Reality

Today I saw a link the following website put together by J.K. "Awesome" Rowling, http://www.pottermore.com/. If you go to the site, you'll see the following:

I must admit, I'm sweaty with anticipation. But for what? Here are some rumors from jotzoom.com of what Pottermore is:

• It’s a social networking site for Harry Potter fans
• It’s a Harry Potter branded smart phone
• It’s a Harry Potter encyclopedia
• It’s an online Harry Potter MMORPG game
• It’s a iOS game for iPhone, Ipad
• It’s a new series of Harry Potter related books
• It’s a prequel book to Harry Potter
• Another Harry Potter theme park, possibly in the UK
• A new official Harry Potter fan site 

All noble guesses, but there can only be one. Its time for Nostra-Fletch-a-Damus to take over and declare the future!

Pottermore will be a Massively Multi-player Online Role-playing Game or Harry Potter and the MMORPG. (Pronouced "more-pig" - yes bacon lovers rejoice.) For those of you who don't know what that is: 

MMORPG "is a genre of role-playing video games in which a very large number of players interact with one another within a virtual game world." Think Everquest, etc. You know the never ending games people get addicted to and wind up getting divorced or kicked out of school over. You must think I'm joking. But people get very serious about their MMORPGs:

http://gamersushi.com/2010/11/22/todays-wtf-virtual-mmo-real-estate-sold-for-335000/

Yes, people spend some serious bucks for their fantasy life. Soon all of the Pottermaniacs can create their own avatar, buy a wand from Olivander and actually attend Hogwarts! (after spending $10,000 on tuition). I can't wait to hear Snape lecture potions, or stroll down Diagonally and try on the latest dress robes, maybe spend a year practicing to play in the Quidditch world cup, or pet a Norwegian Ridge Back!

But here is where Nostra-Fletch-a-Damus is going to get bold. Virtual Reality MMORPGs will become the greatest addiction to mankind on the planet. In the "not too distant future" in the "cyberden of tomorrow" you may go to work for 6 hours a day and spend 10 in the virtual world of your choice. Kevin Flynn certainly got stuck in his virtual world in Tron Legacy and the Lawnmower Man got crazy smart living in a computer. Why can't I become the most powerful wizard in the virtual world of Pottermore? Or fight Darth Vader in the carbon freezing chamber on Bespin? 

But this goes beyond just games. A business conference call could now take place with everyone in the same room. Long Distance relationships? A thing of the past. And if any female readers think there are no perks, how about shopping for clothes or a trip to the spa? Sticking your crazy kids into a cyber trampoline center while you take a nap?

This all sounds nuts to me. But how far off are we from achieving this? NFAD is not sure, but since I've already predicted the world will end on April 6, 2033 http://fletchword.blogspot.com/2010/01/teotwawki.html, the VR MMORPGs people better get moving. I now predict it will happen by 2025. After the Anti-Christ rules the VR MMORPG world for eight years and people give up on the reality God created for them, the Lord will come to reclaim us from our misguided attempts at happiness. Perhaps that is how everyone will see the sign of his comming? We'll all be hooked up to a VRMMORPG. Only those with the faith to unplug themselves will go out to meet Him while the rest burn as they cling to an artificial world ruled by the devil. 

Hold Music

I got stuck on the phone today with some hold music that wasn't bad at first, but after 5 minutes, the clapping drove me nuts. I now share it with you:

And no post on this subject is complete without the following Star Wars parody:

I swear I'm not that bored, just compelled by odd things today.

BTW - In my last post I should have said the Jim Carey "A Christmas Carol" flick based on the Dickens Classic and Polar Express theme should be renamed "A Halloween Carol." It practically scared my kids to death! What's with the Ghost of Christmas Present turning into a laughing skeleton blown away by the wind? Someone fell off the Polar Express and forgot this is a kids Christmas movie. Oh well...

Middle of June

A few random hits for the summer thus far:

• Movie: Hereafter - I heard this was an awful movie, but actually rather enjoyed it. Perhaps it was due to shouting "BDH!!!" every time Bryce Dallas Howard was on screen, who knows? The whole twins thing and the depressing music was great. The Tsunami scene at the beginning made the whole time investment worthwhile. And once again, we have a movie with French people acting like superior self-absorbed, jerks. Good times.

• Movie: Rabbit Hole - Despite the WORST title of all times for a movie, I decided to pick this up at the Red Box. This movie is like rubbing your face against an emotional cheese grater for 2 hours. Its one ugly conversation after another. Nothing in this movie showed that grief can also be beautiful and a necessary part of life. Ekhart's failed seduction scene with the Al Green music was pretty dang awesome. But outside of that, near the end I started wishing a Rabbit Hole would allow me to escape from the film. But I rarely give up on a movie and saw this out to the bitter end. The only fun I managed to have during this movie was yelling "YANG!" at the actress from Grey's Anatomy and telling her to scrub up for surgery. 

• Talking to Movies - I have a problem with that lately. 

• Eating Bugs - The Lizard and I have taken to doing evening bike rides. Can I just say how wonderful it is when your kids are old enough to do things like this instead of watch Sponge Bob and demand ice cream? The only downside is swallowing a mosquito and having it wriggle around in the back of your throat for 10 minutes. Lizard handled an 8 mi ride with flying colors and no complaints. Perhaps its time to get her a road bike and start training for the Tour de France?

• LBJ = Choke Artist - LeBron, you want 7 titles? At this pace you'll be lucky to get 1 or 2 if you keep choking to death in the 4th Quarter. However, the Karma Factor should be considered here. Dirk got hosed by the officiating in Miami in 2006. Perhaps the Universe was just giving it back to him with a sick Game 2 comeback and then a close-out win in Game 6 in Miami? I'm no Mavs lover, but it was good to see Dirk and Kidd win a title and get off "The List" of great NBA players with no ring.

• Chrome Convert - Yes CA, I have converted all of my work and home browsing to Chrome and am LOVING it! Things really do run smoother, faster and I feel a little less evil... Heck, even my work is moving our email provider over to Gmail. We'll still keep our domain, but all of the storage, etc. will be on Gmail when I'm away from my lappie or phone. Does this mean Google is now becoming as evil as Microsoft if I'm using them so much?

• Geeking Out - I want to know what character I should be for the midnight session of HPDH Part Duex - The movie experience of a GENERATION. Yes, I commit here and now to dress up and take pictures. 

I Love the Wind

Lately, we've had a consistent breeze here in the Mile High City. Not necessarily a blustery day like Pooh dealt with, but a mild wind, nothing strong enough to give you serious problems or ruin a picnic. Although I'm not out reveling in it, I'm enjoying it. I wouldn't be surprised to see the ghost of Patrick Swazye show up and start serenading me with "She's Like the Wind" on my back porch as I watch the sun go down. What could be better? 

But I've heard several people complain that this gentle caress of air is driving them nuts.

????

What's so bad about a breeze? Here are reasons why our recent air flow is a good thing. 

1. Keeps the air fresh and the smog away making our skyline beautiful.
2. Evening breezes help cool off the house reducing the need for AC and energy savings
3. Saving energy saves the planet and makes you a good person regardless of how you live.
4. Wind Turbines and tax dollars to build them are suddenly justified.
5. The Bible says being born of the Spirit is like the Wind. (St. John 3:8). The Bible further references wind 158 times.
6. The wind is a gentle reminder from God or the Universe (whatever you prefer) that he is still there even if you can't see him.
7. Sports - Kite flying, sailing, wind surfing, hang gliding, parasailing, snowskiting and ice boating. Are you ready to give those up?
8. Think of all the manual laborers grateful for a breeze to help cool them off as they perform back breaking labor.
9. The Legend of Zelda - Wind Waker.
10. A breeze for football players on a two-a-day in August is a gift indeed.

The list could go on an on, but I've made my point. Whether you are a member of the Green religion worried about your carbon footprint or Old School religion and worried about salvation, white collar, blue collar, athletic or artistic, you should love the wind.

And now to honor the wind I list the 10 greatest songs about the wind.

1. "Wind of Change" - Scorpions
2. "Dust in the Wind" - Kansas
3. "She's Like the Wind" - Patrick Swazye
4. "Summer Breeze" - Seals & Croft
5. "Candle in the Wind" - (Sir) Elton John
6. "Blowin in the Wind" - Peter Paul & Mary - Bob Dylan
7. "Ride like the Wind" - Christopher Cross
8. "Wind beneath my Wings" Bette Midler
9. "Against The Wind," - Bob Seger
10. "Rock you like a Hurricane" - Scorpions

The Scorpions make the list twice and are thus the greatest "Wind" band of all times. If you are still struggling with the wind, contact me and I'll send you a CD of the Top 10 Winds songs absolutely free!! You'll get that fine, breezy feelin back. I'll say it again: what could be better?

The Future of Movie Franchises

And now for a taste of things to come:

Laugh all you want. This is the future. I'm excited for the 4 new movies to be made off of the final Batman film and my head is going to explode thinking about the Justice Leauge and the Avengers.

Turkey in the Eagle's Nest

Tonight I attended a Court of Honor and was obliged to join the "Eagle's Nest" where all those valiant in scouting to the rank of Eagle reside in glory. But some like me perch in shame.

Behind nearly every Eagle is a great threat. Here are some I've heard over the years:

• No driver's license till Eagle
• Can't participate in a sport or activity
• Denial of college support/tuition
• General shunning from parents outside of legally required support
• Pouring honey in hair while asleep (no joke)

I come from a line of Scouting. For my father, Scouts was like sports for me. Going to Philmont was like the Superbowl in Dallas with the big screen. His father got the Silver Beaver and by heaven, his offspring would have their Eagle. When he tragically died on the Klondike, my Eagle became not just a goal, but an unbreakable blood oath. So I add my threat to the list (never issued to me, but clearly implied by the Universe):

• DON'T SHAME THE MEMORY OF YOUR DECEASED FATHER WHO DIED IN THE ACT OF SCOUTING.

Even a boneheaded teenager can get that one... Barely. I got my life rank by the time I was 13 and it only took me a mere 5 years to complete my project and get my Eagle 2 days before turning 18. I pause now to thank the multiple leaders who made Herculean efforts to get my project approved, completed and written up. And it all starts as a cub scout getting their Bobcat badge and being flipped upside down.


A taste of things to come?

I think if the parents did over 70% of the work, the Eagle award should be presented while the father has the son in an excruciating arm bar. Then, the mother pins the badge directly into their son's flesh. The screams of agony would be like the birth of a new baby Eagle.  

I was free from shaming my father's memory, but I was now bound to a life of being a Turkey in the Eagle's Nest. Can I tie a bowline hitch? Throw a hatchet through a log at 25 yards? Repel dysentery through sheer intestinal fortitude? No.

I am a disgrace.

I don't own a scout uniform anymore. I don't fancy wearing hankies around my neck. I'm not sure I can name all of the ranks correctly in order right now or recite the scout law. I know many non-Mormons find our approach to rushing kids through the Eagle (such as me) disgraceful. So why do I sit in the Eagle's nest? My mother worked too hard for me not to. If I rejected the nest, I would be rejecting the sacrifice of my parents.

Will I impose the Eagle standard on my own son? No.

I will encourage him and help, but no threats. I declare this here and now in the presence of you three readers!!

Why? If he gets his Eagle, I want him to be able to hold his head up in the Eagle's Nest with clear eyes and a full heart. Able wrestle a bear into submission, lash massive towers together with elaborate knots and eat things that would make a Billy-goat puke. The way a real Eagle should be.

Comic Book Movies: For Chicks?

Last week I got to crash girls night out at the Wednesday night movies. They were planning to see THOR and I figured my man card would remain intact...

Boy was I wrong. Before tip-off the girls were already giggling over the hunky guy playing the legendary, ripped, THOR. Within one minute, Natalie Portman hits THOR with her van and seeing this stud on the ground exclaims, "Please don't be dead!"

That basically summed it up. To further my point, I know a high school senior who went to see this during some off periods in the middle of the day and reported the theater was FULL of women. How did we get here? I blame 300. Here is a quote from from firstshowing.net:

"For women, the entire movie is eye candy. For 2 hours you get to stare at the hottest guys with unbelievable 8-pack abs fighting tirelessly for their homeland wearing hardly any clothes. It's almost like "Guy's Gone Wild" (but, thank goodness, for the sake of men, it's not that bad). Even if you're not a big fan of Gerard Butler, you've got 299 others to choose from. I hope to see all you ladies out at the theaters this weekend! From what I've seen and what I've heard, these are pretty accurate and you'll be guaranteed a good time."

I'm sure studio execs love the idea of tapping the other 50% of the population to see their $200 million dollar movies. So this summer, we have the blond Norse Stud, effectively CGI naked Green Lantern and Captain Underwear Model (America). If I go see one of these movies with another guy, are we suddenly on a date?

Is there any hope? We have one Batman film left, which does not appear to pander to women the way some recent comic book films have. Next, Nolan will put his spin on The Man of Steel (I'm assuming fully clothed). But the door to the temple of comic book movies has been kicked in and chicks are overrunning the altar of man-movies.

If I were a Vegan in High School

This really does sound like the crap I used to listen to in HS. You have to stick with this for a few minutes to get the full effect!

Hawaiian Tourist

Eight days and a fierce ankle sunburn have brought our trip to the Hawaiian islands to a close. Here is a brief breakdown of the trip.

Friday – 3 connections to arrive at Oahu and scenic drive to the north to Turtle Bay, BYU Hawaii and the Polynesian Cultural Center (PCC). Constant Rain. Started temple session at 11:00 PM Denver time. Luckily we move from room to room, however I’m still nodding off toward the end. Best meal during the trip? The temple cafeteria. Pulled chicken and potato curry over rice with peas. May not sound special, but I kid you not… Perhaps atmosphere really is everything with food.

 

The PCC

Saturday – Mile swim in the pool during the monsoon. We intended to hit up the Hukilau Café for lunch as it was featured on Man vs. Food, but alas it is only open for breakfast. After cursing bitterly and spitting into the dust, we head over to the Laei Drive-In due to a good rating on Tripadvisor. It was grease upon grease. Totally disgusting. Fully lubed, we head over to look at the BYU Pineapple and then on to the PCC.

Polynesian Cultural Center – Upon pulling into the parking lot I realized this place is Disneyland but instead of Tomorrow Land and Frontier Land, you have areas for various island cultures such as Tonga, Samoa, Fiji, Hawaii, etc. Our BYU-P hosts take our “family” from village to village. It was an awesome day of throwing sticks at each other, swinging ceremonial balls and eating raw Poi. I especially loved the drum session in Tonga with audience participation and the Samoan presentation on how to harvest Coconuts. They actually had some kid book up a palm tree in a matter of 5 seconds. In an era full of litigation, I was pleased they had no safety harness or mats for this kid to fall on. Raw and authentic, just the way I like it. The Luau was great, aside from sharing it with 500 other guests and being herded through a buffet line. The raw Salmon was tasty and I loved the purple Poi based rolls. Of course the Kaluha pig roasted in the earth all day was perfectly moist and delicious.

I must say by the end of the Luau, I was pretty Poly’d out. But determined to get the full experience, we headed to the gift shop so we could pass an hour and attend the final event… HA – The Breath of Life. It was an amazing show, but our Denver clocks still registered 11:30 PM when the show started. After a host of dances blade throwing, Haka and 15 incredible fire dancers, I was done. But wait! We hung on long enough to rip a pearl out of the flesh of some poor oyster slave. We discarded its body and shell and proceeded back to Turtle Bay where I pulled the fork out of my abdomen and fell asleep.

Sunday – Happy Mother’s Day with no kids! After another hearty breakfast of oatmeal, we headed over to the chapel next to the Temple for Church. I have to say most Polynesians when they are stateside love to start a talk with “Brothers and Sisters, ALOHA!” (they then coach the audience to say ALOHA back – but its never enthusiastic enough). As the first speaker approached, I was prepared…

[Speaker] “Brothers and Sisters, aloha.”

[Congregation] aloha.

My heart sank. The vigor for a hearty ALOHA! reciprocation only appears to be necessary stateside. Back home, they only go through the motions so they don’t come off as fully hypocrites. Forcing me to sit back down, the Boss and I enjoyed the rest of the service being much edified by several musical numbers and colorful speakers.

Next we headed to Pearl Harbor. We took in the museums and the USS Arizona movie before taking a ferry to the memorial over the remains of the ship. Pretty sobering experience and my gratitude for those who served went up a couple of notches that day.

Week of 5/6-5/12 - Work conference. Being in the same place as last year felt like deja vu. On Thursday we got out on a catamaran and snorkeled for 2 hours. There was a family of 5 sea turtles that were amazing. But of course, I was unprepared with no underwater camera, so I have no proof. On Friday/Saturday we hit Front Street in Lahina and its 10,000 art galleries and ate at Cheeseburger in Paradise. - Yes, Kobe beef really is tasty. Especially when its wrapped in BACON.

I stopped crying long enough to take this photo

The flight home? I don't remember it because I hit two Unisom before the flight. It was good to get home. I missed the kids screaming at me and the good times we have together. May the spirit of ALHOA remain with you. Always.

Kid History

There are a bunch of these but this was my favorite. My face hurt I was laughing so much. ENJOY!!!



Is it just me or do these guys seem right out of Provo?

Better Marriage Blanket

While I'm on the kick of AWESOME commercials, check this out.

"The same type of fabric used by the military to protect against chemical weapons." - AWESOME. Guess what the boss is going to get me for Christmas? Much less humiliating than that blasted nose hair trimmer - which I have never used.

But wait! - I'm not so sure this blanket is a marriage saver. It might even be a marriage destroyer. If I were a cruel husband, I could see this blanket being used as a WMD when the "covered wagons" come to town unexpectedly. (MWHAHAHAHAH!)

This begs the question, how long would I have to sleep on the couch if I employed this special blanket in a prank? Is it even forgivable? I previously posted on an article that said crimes of betrayal in the marraige bed are essentailly unforgivable. I think going covered wagons with this blanket qualifies. So women, consider the consequences before you rush out to the store to buy one of these for the man you unfortunately sleep next to.

Gator's Next Christmas

I would have killed for this as a kid.



Needless to say, if I can find one on Ebay, Gator will be thrilled next Christmas as we turn our yard into Swiss Cheese.

Movie Club: Limitless

Welcome back to my movie club of one. I just saw Limitless, a great origin film about a contemporary superhero with no tights, slogans or comic book affiliation. What is his power? The hero is given a drug called NZT which allows him to access 100% of his brain, rather than the 1%-10%  humans normally do. This allows him to remember every martial arts move in a fight or fact about the stock market when trading. The downside is coming off the high and becoming a drug addict. The movie has a good pace, some fun editing and Bradley Cooper does a great job as an addict. I heartily recommend the film. Now, I'll get into my rant after watching the movie. Spoilers ahead and you'll get completely lost if you are unfamiliar with LDS doctrine.

At the end of the movie, the smartest guy in the world goes into politics??? OK. That's not my real issue. At the end of the movie, the hero used his uber-brain to refine the drug and make it safe and non-addictive. I started wondering, if a pill like that was available, would I take it? Yes. I think I would. Then the Boss said, what if the Church said no? And I wondered, if the church said no, does that mean God want us to be stupid?

I believe the capacity to use our minds to the full extent is there, why do we not do it or have it? Is the test of choosing to love God and our fellowman, keeping the commandments and enduring to the end easier if we are dumb? If we have too much intellect would the trial of faith be too easy? Or perhaps it would be too difficult? Nephi says:

"O that cunning plan of the evil one! O the vainness, and the frailties, and the foolishness of men! When they are learned they think they are wise, and they hearken not unto the counsel of God, for they set it aside, supposing they know of themselves, wherefore, their wisdom is foolishness and it profiteth them not. And they shall perish.

But to be learned is good if they hearken unto the counsels of God."

From this, I get that being smart is a good thing, if you are obedient. So why not send everyone to Earth with 100% brain activity? Clearly the veil is meant to separate us from the vast majority of what we have in our minds. Think about it. We've existed for a very, very long time and probably have massive amounts of knowledge in there somewhere. Would 100% brain activity mean we could remember the pre-existence and make the test of mortality pointless? I think this may be the case. The veil allows us to see what's in our hearts, not our minds.

We came here to get bodies, which carry tremendous power. I like to think of life as a driving test to see what type of car we can be entrusted with. Consider cars described in D&C 88:28-32:

"They who are of a celestial spirit shall receive the same body which was a natural body; even ye shall receive your bodies, and your glory shall be that glory by which your bodies are quickened.

Ye who are quickened by a portion of the celestial glory shall then receive of the same, even a fulness.

And they who are quickened by a portion of the terrestrial glory shall then receive of the same, even a fulness.

And also they who are quickened by a portion of the telestial glory shall then receive of the same, even a fulness.

And they who remain shall also be quickened; nevertheless, they shall return again to their own place, to enjoy that which they are willing to receive, because they were not willing to enjoy that which they might have received."

Is it possible that only the Celestial quickening brings 100% brain activity? Jesus continued from grace to grace until he received a fullness (D&C 93:12-17). His example on earth was not to go make a ton of cash or scientific discoveries. He was the superhero with 100% brain activity and he chose to focus on the worth of souls.

I'll admit, I walked out of that movie wishing I could learn a language in 1 day, create the food replicator or run around like Neo saying: "I know Kung-fu." But after thinking about it, all I need to do stay the course and help others along the way. One day I'll get the keys to that Celestial car and then it will be off to the races.

Olympic Oafing



Traditional Running

Since my back recently healed I returned to working out with Dave at World of Beautiful Bodies. He informed me the gauntlet had been thrown at him to complete an Olympic Triathlon - which consists of a consecutive:

• 0.93 mile swim
• 24.8 mile bike ride 
• 6.2 mile run

Some of you may remember I've done a few practice Spirit Triathlons which is the Olympic distance cut in half. Naturally I can't resist the challenge, so I broke out the Rocky music and started training. On Friday I took on the 1 mile swim in the pool and focused on limiting my use of legs to save them for the bike and run. Needless to say my upper body was on fire when I finished. Saturday morning I got up at 6AM, plotted out my six mile run and assaulted the course.

Or maybe the course assaulted me. If there is one thing I hate doing, its running. Most folks consider four general speeds or gears for bipedal human forward motion. Walking, jogging, running and sprinting. But during this run, I discovered I fit into a new classification:

• Sprinting
• Running
• Jogging
• Oafing - ME
• Walking



Oafing

What exactly is Oafing? Imagine you are driving down the street and see some uncoordinated, has-been dude over 200 lbs moving slowly down the sidewalk. He isn't walking, but the pace is too slow to be jogging. His face is beat red and a mask of determined agony. You wonder if he is in trouble or disturbed. Before dialing 911, you figure whatever this guy's problem is, he'll stop moving soon and you drive on past. That my friends is what its like to witness OAFING.

Yes, I oafed my way to six miles with no walking and the quest for Olympic Glory has begun. Of course, that will all change once I buy my multi-purpose speedo to wear throughout the race. Until next time, happy oafing to all.

Bizzaro Families

Upon learning this morning that the Gator would not be followed by another MANmal, STMadDog pointed out we now have Bizzaro families (2 girls 1 boy, 1 girl) vs. (2 boys, 1 girl, 1 boy). In honor of this amazing cosmic event, I now share the following Seinfeld Bizzaro clip, which is almost completely unrelated to our good news.



The question is: Who is the evil version of the family?