Movie Club part VII

Here are some flicks I've seen lately that were definitely interesting that may have been off the radar for a few of you (all 2.3 of you).

Outsourced: This is the 2006 movie that spawned the NBC sitcom about an American running a call center in India. Not a good commercial. I've never watched the TV show, but the movie found its way into my instant queue on Netflix and I loved it. I was half expecting a major hate festival on American companies that export jobs overseas, but it was really about the manager and his transformation during his time in India. Tons of awkward laughs and cultural insight. Check it out if you have not already.

Love Happens: This flick is recent starring J. Aniston and A. Eckhart. I thought it was a typical date movie that was going to stink, but it has a horribly misleading title. This is a film about grieving, lying and hypocrisy. The protagonist is a motivational speaker/Ph.D who lost his wife and now helps grieving people feel "A-okay!" Only problem is he doesn't drink his own kool-aid. It was interesting to watch someone try to do something good and actually help people, but can't seem to live or accept what he is teaching. It reminded me a lot of how awkward it can feel to try and share the Gospel with people when you don't feel happy about your own life. Interesting character to hate and root for at the same time. Or am I just talking about myself?

GATOR TURNS 2: Quick note. Never start a birthday off with just a doughnut in the morning and some presents. They will be overwhelmed, and crash big time. This kid spent 10 mins with his face in the floor of the foyer at church trying to win an Oscar with his weeping. Nevertheless, Mr. Adorable fought back to enjoy his party with friends and family and added "go" to his vocabulary. Aaaah! Uh-oh and go. The only 3 words you need to lead a simple and profound life.  

Uh-Oh!

FACT: Spontaneous Human Combustion (SHC) is a myth. Don't believe me? Go to this awesome webiste with FACTS in the name. http://facts-1.com/spontaneoushumancombustion.htm. But is SMC (Spontaneous Microwave Combustion) possible? I think so.

A few moons ago, I woke up to the smell of something burning, but could find no smoke, no flame. After shoveling the walks, I came in and the Boss declared the microwave was "melting." ???? I went over to it and it was indeed so hot the plastic was beginning to warp, oil was leaking, and it was very hot to the touch everywhere. SMC was about to destroy me and my family. So I unplugged the unit and Boss called the Sears guy, who declared without hesitation that the microwave was indeed in the first stages of SMC and there was no hope to fix it.

So after 16 years of ruthlessly nuking others, the nuker became the nuked.

We picked up a new microwave at Home Depot and I heartily refused their install cost of $99 declaring it was an easy job for a man with no mechanical aptitude and a pregnant woman. First lesson learned, never volunteer a pregnant woman to do something she is not inclined to do.

During the removal of SMC, we could not get it off the back bracket after removing the top screws. We turned our backs in frustration for a moment and BAM! SMC fell onto the glass halogen stove-top with an ear-splitting crash. Gator (nearly 2 years old), who isn't much for words knew exactly what to say. He stood up on his chair and shouted "UH-OH!" Once I started swearing, he began repeating UH-OH! Second lesson: don't cuss in front of their kids. They know its wrong.

Many thanks to Shawn, who graciously spent 3 hours on a Saturday helping me install the new machine while taking extra pains not to damage the exposed stove-top. Lesson three: ALWAYS PAY THE INSTALL FEE AND SAVE YOURSELF TIME, TEARS AND DIGNITY.

I hope none of you will ever know the horrors of SMC.

SB XLV

SB XLV was a great game, but as many of you may have guessed this was the highlight of my night:



I can identify with this kid. On numerous occasions I tried to move things with the force, but had no success. I remember hanging from a tree branch outside, in the middle of winter trying to get my fake lightsaber to fly into my hand (like Luke on Hoth with the Hoth beast). All that happened was me falling out of the tree.

I told my family to root for Green Bay since I'm sick of the Steelers recent success. As usual, I had my traditional "little smokies" among some nachos, wings, stuffed shrooms and Cinna-bon cupcakes from THE BAKERY BOX. I didn't feel like eating this morning.

It amazes me how much unnecessary pomp and circumstance has gotten into this broadcast. Just one year, I'd like to see a minimalist Super Bowl... Broadcasters wearing plain black suites and ties, no fireworks or special video introductions, local marching band at half-time, 15 minute pre-game show and 5 minutes to present the trophy after the game. Commericals would be unwatchable not treated as mini-film festival. IT WOULD BE PURE FOOTBALL.

But the ratings would stink, money would be lost and so the American greed and glamour machine gives us yesterday's spectacle... For a mere $800 to $10,000 per seat, only to look at the giant TV screen instead of the field below. Ouch. Those folks just got sucker punched by Jerry Jones. Especially the folks watching outside in the cold. Go find a friend with a TV and keep your money.

Here are some classic ads from years gone by. I espeically liked the 1984 Mac ad.

http://www.aolnews.com/2011/02/03/the-7-best-super-bowl-commercials-ever-aired-videos/

True Grit in the Marriage Bed with a Coach

TRUE GRIT - Last night I finally made it out to see the re-make of "True Grit." And no, there was not one bowl of grits consumed in the whole film. (If you could shoot me right now, I'm sure you would.). This movie had me at hello. First, it features a character that goes by the name "Rooster." Second, the main character is a sassy little girl out to avenge her father's death at any cost. It was like watching a 14-year old version of the Lizard fighting to make sure she got justice for me. Half of her lines sounded exactly like stuff she would say to people. Aside from that inside humour, this really is a funny movie. I dig "Vernacular" flicks. Sometimes, they are in the southern/western genre, or they might be period British films. Regardless, odd dialogue is all it takes to make me happy.
 

The Lizard on a quest for VENGEANCE.

THE MARRIAGE BED - I received a challenge yesterday to blog about a very odd news story from the NYT. http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/41055693/ns/today-relationships/?gt1=43001. Apparently, cheating is forgivable if the act is performed outside the marriage bed. But if done at home in the place you sleep, GAME OVER. Seriously? This idea is so ground breaking it made it into the NY Times? Is psychology really being taken over by the likes of Captain Obvious? This is a great example of garbage created by the 24/7 news machine. They have to constantly put out stories to captivate our attention. So I'll assume this is meant to entertain more than inform. Better yet, it makes for great dinner conversation with the wife:

• So... did you hear that the NYT says you can't forgive someone if they cheat on you in the marriage bed? 
• .....
• Yeah, it was a pretty crazy article. What do you think?  
• .....
• .....
• Why are you telling me about this?
• Nothing, really, just thought it was, uh... informative.
• ..... really [squinting x-ray vision starts].... Pass the gravy. 
• Do you think that's a deal breaker? 
• Why are you asking me this? Are you trying to tell me something? 
• No, just making conversation. You look amazing in those jeans today. Have you lost 10 pounds in the last week? Did I mention this gravy is AWESOME? 

This is why a silent dinner is sometimes golden. Its a sign that a man has figured out how to quit bringing up loaded-topics that just lead to trouble. The next time you see a couple at a restaurant sitting in peaceful silence, go over an applaud them. I hope one day to recieve this acclaim, but it may be impossible.

Coach Fox - My beloved Broncos just finished the season 4-12. Only one other team in the NFL had a worse record. The Carolina Panthers at 2-14. Captain Obvious says... don't hire the coach of that team. So what did we do? HIRE THAT MAN. I don't care if he went to a Super-bowl or is the antithesis of McFired. It just sounds like a bad day at the recycling plant. This is just my initial reaction. I don't know a ton about the guy and wish him the best. I also recognize we were not going to attract a big name like Cowher or Gruden, etc. We are a complete disaster right now. Hopefully the Fantastical Mr. Fox can turn our fortunes around like he initially did with the Panthers.

Colorado Oddities

Here are my 3 favorite mispronounced names of places in Colorado:

1. The state itself, Colorado - Local say the ending like "rad-o" where some high-brow say "rah-do." It goes a long way to making one feel like a real cowboy.
2. Estes Park - I've heard some poor soul (who shall remain nameless) say it like "est-ies"
3. Arvada - Placing a "duh" sound at the end of this offers hours of amusement.

If you have any others, I welcome your input.

Finally, I want everyone to know that Aurora CO used to be known as FLETCHER.

"It originated in the 1880s, as the town Fletcher, taking its name from Denver businessman Donald Fletcher who saw it as a real estate opportunity. He and his partners staked out four square miles east of Denver, but the town - and Colorado - struggled mightily after the Silver Crash of 1893. At that point Fletcher skipped town, leaving the community with a huge water debt. Inhabitants decided to rename their township Aurora in 1907, and it slowly began to grow in Denver’s shadow becoming the fastest growing city in the United States during the late 1970s and early 1980s."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aurora,_Colorado

2011 Predictions

Happy 2011. The Cougar Lawyer has challenged me to once again prove my skills in the realm of divination. I have now bathed in rose extract and rubbed a mixture of fennel and hominy paste onto my forehead and spine. I am now ready to divine the future.

I. SPORTS

• NFL - Patriots will win the Super Bowl. CBA will be resolved in time for new season with the players getting the shaft. 18 game season with 2 game preseason will become law. Broncos start Tebow in 2011, win 6 games and people will regularly get saved at the stadium. New head coach is clouded even to me... a coordinator for a head coach and a GM are on the horizon.
• MLB - Rockies will win the World Series. That's right. Put your gum back in your mouth. Jimenez is going to destroy the league and DeLa Rosa will have a break-out year. Prepare yourselves for Rocktober.
• NBA - The Lakers are not hungry enough and the Heat will beat a crippled Celtic team to win the east and beat San Antonio out of the west. Melo will go to the Knicks as a free agent. Nuggets get nothing in return, fans return to their caves in the mountains.
• NHL - Avs make it to the west finals, but loose to Chicago. Penguins win it all.

II. EVERYTHING ELSE

•  New (old) Kids on the Block and Backstreet Boys combine to form a super group known as Yvan eht Nioj. Temple of the Dog fans riot declaring their super-group's superiority. After 3 months of unendurable concerts, a gunman mows Y.E.N. down. Pop radio stations flood the airwaves with the music of the slain, leading to a double-dip recession. 
• Ultra hot model discovers the secret for cold fusion with help from an ex-commie scientist, barely beating out Ted Theodore Logan who was close to the miracle thanks to some help from Morgan Freeman. 
• Obama's hair becomes completely grey.
• American Idol begins a slow painful death.
• People start eating PHO (fuh) for breakfast. As it should be. IHOP hires MS-13 to start ruthlessly beating patrons of PHO dives, creating a cult-like following for the new breakfast sensation. 
• Thor, Green Lantern & Captain America all bomb at the box office. This leads to the demise of the current super-hero movie fad leaving big-money studios searching for new material. Minimalist, high-tech film-makers enter the market with 3D movies like Baraka that have sat in the can for years. Tears flow. Ticket sales soar. The American work week shortens to 50 hours. As this spiritual awakening ensues, Oprah attempts to take credit but no one watches OWN and her new bid for power fails. 
• Peanut Brittle makes a comeback. Dentists rejoice. 

Raise your gaze to the horizon, flare your nostrils and thank Nostra-Fletch-a-Damus for his insight to the future.   

If I were a Communist Singer

Guaranteed happiness if you sing along with me:

Perhaps this video alone demonstrates why we won the Cold War. I'm forbidden to embed this, but it is truly worth your while Comrade. Its a Seinfeld espisde about Santa becoming a Communist. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O6PdecBn2no&feature=related

Thank you Seinfeld. And thank you gentle reader for supporting my Horcrux as it reaches 200 Posts!!

Tron Again

Tron Legacy was the one movie I was super geeked-out over this year. Light bikes, disc battles, awesome body suits... Daft Punk; sounds like a recipe for success. And for the most part it was.

This sequel seems to follow the spirit and general direction of the first film with great results in the first half, but some dull moments in the second. In other words, all of the good action takes place in the first half and the second is devoted to weak plot development that isn't very fulfilling. For example, the first movie starts in reality, guy gets zapped, battles in the games, finds allies, runs from a power crazed program through a virtual world, has some boring moments, then battles the evil program at the end near a column of light to get back to reality. To anyone who saw the first movie you should be having dejavu right now.

Yes, this movie was not so much about plot as special effects and dare I say style? I love modern art and contemporary design so this was my cup of tea. Visually, many sequences were gorgeous. I loved it. The action sequences were great and we even got one drop of blood. These days, I tend to want more plot development and less action; but the visuals are so cool that I'd rather just watch tons of battles than hear people talk about the genocide of digital Isotopes.The first half of this movie and the battle sequences easily justify going to see this movie.

Like the first film, this one has some classic scoring done by Daft Punk, who make a cameo appearance in the film. It was a combo of Hans Zimmer and their music. Needless to say I was loving it, even if it seemed comical at times. I can only imagine how odd it may sound 25 years from now. 

Now onto some odd musings about the film. Since this is a digital world made up of programs, why is there such a sensual element to all of the people? I doubt they reproduce... what is the point of all those crazy tight clubbing outfits and make-up? In fact, why do programs even go clubbing? I suppose its because they are a reflection of the users who designed them and their AI is based on our gender roles and attitudes?

My favorite part of this film is hands down THE BACHELOR PAD. If I ever get a billion dollars, I want a huge condo at the top of a mountain with backlit flooring and a digital screen on the porch. I nearly cried out with anguish when I though Clu was going to trash the place.

This is a visually dark film. 3D requires an even darker than normal theater making this a 2 hour dark-fest. Perfect for a wild date night or a nap. SO DON'T SEE THIS IN 3D. I DON'T RECALL ONE MEMORABLE 3D EFFECT. I AM SICK OF HOLLYWOOD SHOVING THIS TECHNOLOGY DOWN MY THROAT!!! Unless you are James Cameron and spend 10 years making a movie to have consistent bona-fide 3D effects don't bother. I'm never paying the extra $5 again.

On a whole, I was a bit disappointed in this flick, but the action sequences, style and music still make it one of my favorite movies of the year. The door is wide open for a sequel that could deal with the idea of digital intelligences and the virtual world merging with ours. THAT is the movie I'm looking forward to... assuming someone sits in front of one of those digitizing lasers again.   

Crippled & Alone

I recently related the tale of my first date with the Boss and was asked the subsequent question: How long did it take you to fall in love? My answer:

"It only took a few sips of the Kool-Aid to get me hooked."

Last week I traveled for work and wound up missing my Kool-Aid and just when I got home, it had to leave. The Kool-Aid's reasons for leaving are very good and I'm glad she's helping others in need, but I miss my sugar all the same.

So with reluctance I took her and the Gator to DIA before sunrise for a 6AM flight. Once I got home with # 1 & #2, I decided to pick up the house and fill the Mr. Mom role with dignity.

Then it happened.

I slipped down the stairs and in a flash of dexterity, caught myself at the landing. I was pleased with avoiding an EPIC FAIL and proceeded to pick up the house. However, I noticed my lower back was a bit sore... after a hot shower it was worse... by 10:00 AM I was at Walgreen's buying a back brace, Bio-Freeze and Epsom Salts. I popped 4 Advil and pressed on with work.

Later that night I tried some stretching and heat. Then the pain became terrible and for some crazy reason I started watching a show about the rise of the 3rd Reich. (I have a bit of a masochistic streak). I decided not to tell Kool-Aid about my affliction since it would only make her feel guilty. Of course, the Lizard told her that night on the phone and I got a ton of advice.

The next 18 hours were pathetic. Some examples:

• I actually took a bath in Epsom salts hoping for relief. I probably should have drunk a vial of Lion's blood at midnight to get the same results. Being a big dude in a small tub with a bad back is a painful, awkward moment I'm not proud of. 
• I needed help with basic things like picking up items off the floor, putting on socks, pants, etc. Had Kool-Aid been here, her help might have created some endearing, bonding moments. But asking your 7 or 9 year-old kid just makes them doubt your ability as a provider and a man. No father ever wants to hear his kid say, "I feel sorry for you."  
• Stealing my kid's full body pillow so I could sleep with it between my knees and ankles. 
• At the office I had to use my golf putter as a cane to get around without falling. 
• My financial planner took pity and delivered a tube of Icy Hot to me at the office.
• In general, everyone who sees me goes "awwww" are you OK?  

I'd had enough. I went to the chiropractor for the first time in my life and had a dude put my legs in positions that I'm not sure they've ever gone before. He essentially told me my injury wasn't that bad and to quit being a total pansy. As a parting gift they hooked me up to some electro-muscle-stimulificator on my back. That was EPICALLY AWESOME. I should be thankful for being smitten by the universe at a very busy time of the year with high work stress and medical problems. The Ghost of Christmas Back Pain has helped me see the light and realize; all I want for Christmas is a tall glass of Kool-Aid and no help from my kids.

If I Were a Fisherman

This video sums up what my career would look like if I became a professional fisherman.

McFired

Merry Christmas!! Just heard on the radio that "McMastermind" is being released by the Broncos. Owner Pat Bowlen cited results and the direction the team was headed. I'm no football expert, but these two issues weren't just reasons to fire McDaniels, they were practically blood on turf of Mile High screaming for retribution!

1. Results - Since the mythical 6-0 start, the team is 5-17 the worst streak in the modern era for the franchise. Results? indisputably horrible.
2. Direction - This is the big one. We had a perfectly good offense when this guy came to town and a sub-par defense. Fix the D, tweak the O and get into contention right? Wrong.
• Why not get rid of anyone that looks at you funny or says Shannahan's name without spitting afterward? - Done
• Get rid of crybaby franchise quarterback? - Done
• Trade away best receiver? - No problem
• Get rid of punishing runner and draft picks for male model who makes more than the starting quarterback? - oh yes we did
• Spend 1st round pick on questionable QB to back up sitting duck and male model? Why not?
• Whew! After all that drama, the QB position is finally buttoned down.  
• Use other 1st round pick on receiver to replace Marshall? - Of course. We can fix the defense with veterans that wear out after week 7!
• Pick up / retain as many aged defenders as possible? - Done and Done. Average age over 30!
• Improve the defense - Nooooooo.... We'll get to that in year 5 after fixing the terrible offense inherited.
•  Cheat to win games with SPYGATE II... uh... YEAH!!!

Bowlen said, "The decision to make a change was extremely difficult but one that needed to be made for this organization and our fans."

Well said Pat. It appears the lights are still on. Good luck firing this guy with clause and getting your money back. Thank you and MERRY CHRISTMAS.

Tangled & Choked-up

Disney and the Princess movie are back! [Did I just say that?] This movie is outstanding entertainment. El-Burr and I just went to see this on our daddy-daughter date and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. I don't think Disney has put together a movie of this caliber since Beauty and the Beast. The songs were very enjoyable, clever and Alan Menken did a fantastic job. The animation seemed flawless and the visuals were beautiful.  MAXIMUS the stallion kept me laughing throughout. Go ahead and poke fun at me. This is a classic. [Am I still a bit excited over a princess movie?]

Any cons with this film? Only one...

I'm sick and tired of getting choked up in these Disney/Pixar animated cartoons. At least these 3-D movies come in a very dark room. I did my best to suppress my sniffles so the random dad next to me wouldn't elbow me in the face for being such a pansy. The boss wasn't there so I got no wife points, and I'm pretty sure most little girls find these "awkward" moments as a sign of weakness and I'll loose my disciplinary power. But thankfully no one seemed to notice. Between that boat sequence and the end, I was a mess.

On a whole, this movie represents Disney finally catching up with Pixar magic and Shrek humor and hitting a home run. Two thumbs up, 4-stars, slap-my-knee and call me silly, feel good movie. Hope you all enjoy it as much as I did.

Deathly Hallows Part 1

Get out your oranges and water bottles. Its half-time in the DEATHLY HALLOWS SAGA. HP&THD 1 is a great film. Should it be enshrined in the Pantheon of great movies on its own? No. But for the role it plays in the franchise, I couldn't expect much more.

The action was well done, pacing kept me interested but never overwhelmed. By breaking this into 2 parts, more time was spent on character development allowing the film to convey a bit more emotion than some prior installments. Having read the books, I'm more interested in adaptation choices rather than the actual movie since nothing compares to the book. ONCE AGAIN, IF YOU HAVE NOT READ THE SERIES, JUST DO IT. For example, the use of Hedwig was actually a very clever way to move the plot forward without having to explain some complicated ideas from the book.

If anyone is under-used in this film, it is Voldermort. The terror of him being summoned by death eaters, hot on Harry's trail made for some of the greatest suspense in the book, but that element is lacking in this film. Especially at Godric's Hollow and in Malfoy Manor. But I've come to accept the movies will never be as good as my imagination and I'm still quite pleased with the end results. Plus, let's not forget that down the road, the HP series will go to Blu-ray and have extended editions, similar to LOTR, which I really enjoyed.

The only genuinely lame thing in the movie is the Harry/Hermione NCMO. That could possibly be the most surprising thing I've seen in the movies. Just seemed completely off key with the spirit of the books. I read that David Yeats told the actors the first take was too chaste it needed to be more "pagan and mad." Right... I'd rather they earn a PG-13 with more of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named rather than tawdry naked necking.

I was considering taking the Lizard to see this, but after this first viewing I don't think many kids under 10-12 would handle it well.

My favorite thing about this film? The humor! Despite this being the low point for our protagonists, there were plenty of laughs and I think that is why I liked it better than installments 5 and 6. The final act should give the last 1/4 of the book all its due and I'm really looking forward to it. So I'll keep pounding the orange wedges and see you next summer.

More Trailer Mash-ups

Tanks to Mr. D. 'nother great "trailer" fir Dumb & Dumber has been brought to mines attention and I now share it wit yall:

But this one is just SICK:

And finally, the real Jane Austin Plot to her timeless classic:

Hope you all enjoyed this sampling. Now go eat a cheese pie in your dog house.

The Dog House

I've seen this before, but the Mac Daddy recently brought it to my attention again and I now share it with you.



Perhaps some of you are disappointed that I don't have a bunch of misogynistic things to say about this. I heartily disprove of the idea that buying diamonds should make prior transgressions go away. This leads men to think women are whores that can be bought off at the right price (http://fletchword.blogspot.com/2010/02/stop-patronizing-me.html).

Personally, I love the brainwashing voice in the background and the cheese pie joke. Classic. HAPPY SHOPPING SEASON EVERYONE!!!

Superman Quits AKA Megamind

Welcome back gentle reader for another edition of my fried froth on mainstream media. Yesterday in an attempt to save money, I exploded the back window of the Acura. One could say I was at fault, but I've come to the conclusion that everything connected to a major financial decision that took place in Las Vegas is cursed. So therefore, Las Vegas destroyed my rear window yesterday while changing the lifts. I shall not elaborate further. One must use creative thoughts to discover how I did it, where... and with what!

Thanks to a planned multi-princess ride through downtown followed by dinner at the carb factory, it had to be fixed ASAP. So I made an appointment at a shop and took kids #1 and #2 with me, thinking it would only be 20-30 mins. WRONG. I was told over 2 hours. I had to think quickly. I was near the hood with small children and nothing to do for 2 hours. What did I do to burn time? Walked around the corner and took the kids to see MEGAMIND. But after watching the film, I think it should be called: Superman Quits. Remember Superman Returns? The plot for that film should have been made from the plot of Megamind.

From the trailers most of you know this is about an adorable evil genius who thinks he's destroyed his nemesis Metroman. Alas, without opposition in all things, Megamind realizes his life is nothing so he creates a new hero to battle but fails and makes things worse. But thanks to the help of an intelligent, good looking woman he finally does something right and saves the day. Yes.. All thanks to a female journalist. And Bryan Singer thinks Superman was inspired by his father. BAH! Here is the truth of the matter:  

"She is not to write, or fight, or build, or compose scores; she does all by inspiring man to do all. The poet finds her eyes anticipating all his ode; the sculptor, his god; the architect, his house. She looks it. She is the requiring genius." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Anyone care to dispute a man with the intellectual guts to live in isolation by a pond for a year? I didn't think so. OK. I'm done with this tangent.

Imagine the movie SUPERMAN QUITS. Supes is tired of defeating his enemies and quits deciding people need to solve their own problems. But after a failed year on a street corner in Nashville playing in his underwear, he departs for Krypton, pleased that Lex Luthor defeated his evil creation (following the megamind plot) and won the love of the people, eventually becoming president.

I still have no idea what could have been done with the kid in the Bryan Singer Superman Returns film so I'll remove that from my new plot and destroy nearly the whole concept of that film. Here is my idea... Christopher Nolan eat your heart out.

Superman realizes upon his return to Krypton he did not fulfill Jor-El's real plan for earth. He decides to return and clean house, ushering a new era of peace on earth. He uses his super radio to tell Jimmy he is on his way back to earth to fight for truth, justice and His Way. Jimmy now works for the only viable newspaper on earth, The Daily Prophet. (Thanks to magical funding after the demise of You-Know-Who). Once the Prophet announces the return of Superman, riots break out. Few people want him back. Everyone loves President Luthor who keeps reminding people of the senseless destruction Superman caused to save kittens from trees and Lois Lane from driving off a cliff. He threatens to kill anyone who wants Superman to return and war erupts because Israel and Tea Party Activists figure he is the best chance they have from being wiped out by a super coalition of al-Qaida, Hamas and the Green Party organized by Luthor. Superman watches and listens from afar on his return trip and his wrath is kindled as violence reaches a fever pitch. He returns and destroys the earth with heat vision while using his "fix the great wall of china" power to raise true supporters above the flames. The earth is formed anew as a sea of crystal (Krypton Style) and Superman takes up residence near his old home in Kansas. There, he builds a new city and those who remained faithful to him inherit the earth and all of Superman's new kryptonian technology.

THAT my friends is an awesome movie. If I had $500M I would have it made. In two parts. But I don't have the money. So the idea will live in obscurity on this blog. Just look for the red cape when everything bursts into flames. I'll see you all in the sky.  

Most Interesting Man vs. Chuck Norris

I just had an epiphany this morning that these two guys are famous for having a ton of amazing facts attributed to them. See if you can separate which facts go with the correct bearded wonder.

1. He lives vicariously through himself.

2. He once taught a German shepherd to bark in Spanish.

3. He can do a wheelie on a unicycle
4. He is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
5. He has counted to infinity - twice.
6. He never says something tastes like chicken – not even chicken.
7. He’s been known to cure narcolepsy, just by walking into a room.
8. He can slam a revolving door.

9. He once had an awkward moment, just to see how it feels.

10. His beard alone has experienced more than a lesser man’s entire body.

11. He doesn't have life insurance, the insurance companies pay him to spare their lives.
12. Once, he won the Indy 500 using Fred Flintstone's car.
13. Even his enemies list him as their emergency contact number.

14. Usually when kids go to sleep they sleep with a teddy bear...he sleeps with an actual bear

15. Some magicans can walk on water, he can swim through land.
16. He’s a lover, not a fighter, but he’s also a fighter, so don’t get any ideas.

17. He can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

18.When it is raining, it is because he is thinking of something sad.
19. His shirts never wrinkle.
20. When the Bogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for him.
21. He is left-handed. And right-handed.
22. If he were to mail a letter without postage, it would still get there.
23. He has amassed an incredibly large DVD library, and it is said that he never once alphabetized it.
24. He once urinated in a semi truck's gas tank as a joke....that truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
25. There used to be a street named after him, but it was changed because nobody crosses him and lives.

26. He doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.

27. You can see his charisma from space.
28. When he does a push up, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
29. He can cut through a hot knife with butter
30. He was bitten by a snake. Three days later the snake died.
31. The police often question him, just because they find him interesting.
32. He once punched a magician. That’s right. You heard me.
33. If a monument were built in his honor, Mt. Rushmore would close… due to poor attendance.
34. His blood smells like cologne.
35. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals he allows to live.
36. He made a Happy Meal cry. (No fries???)

37. He once won a staring contest with Medusa.

38. Whenever he tells a lie it instantly becomes Fact

39. His organ donation card also lists his beard.

40. On every continent in the world, there is a sandwich named after him.

41. He destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
42. He doesn’t believe in using oven mitts, nor potholders.
43. His reputation is expanding faster than the universe.
44. His cereal never gets soggy. It sits there, staying crispy, just for him.

45. There is no chin behind his beard. Only another fist.

46. His hands feel like rich brown suede.

47. He once taught a horse to read email for him.

48. He can divide by zero.

49. He once brought in $13 million at a charity bachelor auction, which was a lot of money at the time.

50. Respected archaeologists fight over his discarded apple cores.

51. He can speak Braille.

52. Lime trees bear fruit on his command.

53. He once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

Answers:

1. MIM

2. MIM

3. CN

4. CN

5. CN

6. MIM

7. MIM

8. CN

9. MIM

10. MIM

11. CN

12. CN

13. MIM

14. CN

15. CN

16. MIM

17. CN

18. MIM

19. MIM

20. CN

21. MIM

22. MIM

23. MIM

24. CN

25. CN

26. CN

27. MIM

28. MIM

29. MIM

30. CN

31. MIM

32. MIM

33. MIM

34. MIM

35. CN

36. CN

37. CN

38. CN

39. MIM

40. MIM

41. CN

42. MIM

43. MIM

44. MIM

45. CN

46. MIM

47. MIM
48. CN

49. MIM

50. CN
51. CN
52. MIM
53. CN

Scoring:

1-10: You are so pathetic even Chuck Norris won't kill you.

10-20: Rain clouds follow you.

20-30: Most average people think they are better than average. You are not.

30-40: Perhaps you could scratch their beards without turning into a pillar of salt.

40-50: Congratulations! You've spent way too much time filling you head with useless facts.
50 +  : You must be the Cougar Abogado heaping shame on a lowly blogger who doesn't check his work.

Here is a discussion debating who would actually win a fight between the two:

http://www.dallasdancemusic.com/useless-blabber/302979-chuck-norris-vs-most-interesting-man-world.html

The Social Network & 2D Quidditch

Movies and games involving nerds... WHO RULE THE WORLD.

theFacebook - Any film that scores a 97% on the Tomatometer is probably worth seeing. The Social Network is definitely one of them. As an old jock who used to rip on nerds, I found this movie to be HYSTERICAL!!! I was cracking up the whole time. This movie will win you over in the first sequence with Zuckerman and his girlfriend. Next during the credits at the beginning I noticed the music credits included TRENT REZNOR. As in the crazy guy who led Nine Inch Nails back in the 90s. Much more than the unexpected comedy, the scoring blew me away. The music made nerds writing code at 2AM look cool. Yes. You just read that. This guy's music makes a 36 hour programming binge look cool.... I'm still astonished.


I'm CEO, #$^&! - You have my minimal attention.

Beyond these elements this film was an excellent portrayal of capitalism. One guy had the skill and drive to pull off a great idea. As in many cases the germ of the idea came from someone else who didn't have the ability to execute it (the twins). Next the initial business partner had some useful start-up money, but ultimately did not have the connections and the savvy to push the site to Google-like status. This is where Mr. Napster plays his role beautifully. Each flawed individual brought certain talents to the table, but while pursing the most ruthless course to achieve the greatest profit, the consumer got the best product. It may not be pretty, but that brutal cycle has been raising the standard of living for centuries. At least in the modern world the people who get stepped on can "lawyer up" and get their fair share of the spoils. I can hear the Robber Barons rolling in their graves.

2D Quidditch - Check out the video below. You'd think with all the rage for 3D people would reject this sport outright. I just seem to be on a roll with NERDS today.

NEW FLASH BRYANT GUMBEL!!! This game already exists! Its called Lacrosse. Only these guys have some tool running around in yellow outfit and are throwing dodge balls instead of rightly beating the snot out of each other with shoulder pads and sticks. Here is a brief background on the history of Lacrosse.

"Lacrosse is of the oldest sports in North America. The game's roots can be traced back to Native American religion, lacrosse was often played to resolve conflicts, heal sick people, and develop virile, strong men. To Native Americans, lacrosse is still referred to as "The Creator's Game". Lacrosse was considered by many native tribes to be wonderful training for war -- the Cherokees even called it "the little brother of war." Teams would sometimes consist of many hundreds, or even thousands, of players. Goals were quite often miles apart. Games could last as long as 3 days. Most players were unable to get close to the ball, and so took to concentrating their efforts on using their stick as a weapon."

Yes. In the real sport, you actually use the stick, not run around with it between you legs pretending you are flying. But the biggest problem is the lack of 3D. Unless you can actually fly this is just a poor version of Lacrosse and dodge ball mashed together. Could this be done in a large pool with a remote controlled snitch powered by a small but effective propeller? That could be interesting. But it would take way too much effort and resources. So in the meantime, the wizarding world will continue to mock us pitiful muggles as we struggle to emulate magical games with our filthy blood.

A Real Food Blog

The Boss is always looking at these fancy-pants, cooking blogs but thanks to SDMADog, I've one upped her. BEHOLD!




A true Jedi will know about the blue milk


Time to put that "Pioneer Woman" and "The Girl Who Ate Everything" to rest and bring justJENN into the kitchen. http://justjennrecipes.com/foodbuzz-24x24-the-ultimate-star-wars-party/2010/10/04/

Punitive Parking

A few days ago I was headed into DIA for a flight and for the first time in my traveling career, I found the economy lot full. I drove around for about 15 mins looking for a space and waited another five in line to get out at the toll booth. I was already beginning worry I'd miss my flight and was in a tense mood. When I finally got to the booth, they dinged me $1.00 for being in the lot for less than 30 mins.

... WHAT?!?...

Toll booth lady said I could file a complaint if I wanted to and likely will. Most sensible parking lot/garages have a reasonable policy that allows for accidental entry or time under 15-30 mins. No such luck here.

You may be thinking this is not a big deal. 1 buck. Get over it. I beg to differ. I've been pumped full of ads from McDonald's Wendy's and Burger King that my dollar is the most powerful amazing thing on the planet! All joking aside, this is not about money, its about getting slapped in the face.

Q: Why are you slapping me in the face?
A: Becuase I can. [Grin]

Although I've previously predicted that Arnold Schwarzenegger will become the anti-christ, I love a statement from him about taxes.

"I am in principle against taxing, because I feel that the people... have been punished enough from the time they get up in the morning and flush the toilet, they are taxed. Then they go and get a coffee, they are taxed. They get into their car, they are taxed. They go to the gas station, they are taxed. They go for lunch and they are taxed and [it] goes on all day long, tax, tax, tax, tax, tax. So even when they go to bed, you can really go into the bed and fear that you may be getting taxed while you are sleeping. There's a sleeping tax. This is crazy."

Don't forget the punitive parking lot fees. I should say this isn't just a rant on taxes. The corporate world is full of fees that are terrible too, especially bank fees. I've already given them all my money to invest somewhere else at a higher return. In return I have a safe place to keep my money and get ATM cards, etc. I thought we had a good relationship. But must I be slapped with extra fees and say "Thank you sir. May I have another?" If DIA is that hard up for cash, they should find a legit way to provide better service that merits higher revenue, rather than annoying the daylights out of travelers.