Trunk or Treating: Fundamentally Wrong

I deplore Halloween as a celebration of the Devil, however some think Trunk or Treating is a safe way for kids to experience the holiday. But at what cost? Trunk or Treating is fundamentally wrong. It represents everything deplorable about modern parenting that is killing capitalism. Here are some reasons:

• Where is the hard work and sacrifice to earn a reward? These events make me sick. Kids can gain as much loot in 15 minutes as it would to go door to door for two hours. No exercise and tons of sugar = an unmotivated, lazy workforce.
• The point of Halloween is to provide a reasonably safe, but somewhat scary night for kids to roam the neighborhood. Time to see if they have the guts to brave a scary house or go to the crusty old man's door who hates all of the kids in the neighborhood. Learn to face fear and still ask for what you want. Isn't that a key element to a successful career?
• Trunk or treating often bans masks, one of the oldest forms of costuming. Our ancestors who wore masks would surely be disappointed at our denial of the rich heritage provided to us. Shunning the practices of our ancestors and the Founding Fathers will turn us into godless communists.
• Above all, kids are not learning risk/return lessons essential to becoming successful entrepreneurs! If you want to get 5 lbs of candy for free, you have to deal with the fact there may be a razor blade in that apple. The facts of life. Deal with it and join the Republican party. Just look out for the government who will steal that candy after you've worked hard for it. Oddly enough, their re-distribution of your candy will be PATHETIC.

One last gripe about this holiday. Apparently, we have to start decorating for it at the beginning of the month, elevating it to equal status with Christmas. Once again, FUNDAMENTALLY WRONG. Please visit the following site to learn more about getting the evils of Halloween out of society. http://www.abolishhalloween.com/

Crisis of Faith

When I was a young boy, my heart lept for joy when the Broncos went to their first Super Bowl (XXI) against the Giants. 1986 was a magical season concluding in Cleveland with "The Drive" and a kicker with no shoe in the snow. We even had a Fletcher on the team. I recall going to a friend's house for the big game. Orange and Blue sno-balls (best hostess cake ever) were served. We were up at half-time 10-9. Then the third quarter struck and the blow-out was on. Curse you Phil Simms and Mark Bavaro!!! I was devastated. I actually went into the bathroom to shed a few tears near the end.

The following year, we had a shot at redemption with the Redskins in Super Bowl XXII. Like the previous year, we started well, up 10-0, until the 2nd Quarter. That quarter was so bad, it became known as "The Quarter" where the Redskins put up 35 points with 365 yards and 5 touchdowns. I was peeling the skin off my body. It was even worse this time!! The game ended with 42 unanswered points for a 42-10 blow-out. I've actually blocked the second half of the game out of my mind.

The final blow to my faith came in 1990, when we faced off with the 49'ers in Super Bowl XXIV. I knew going in they were the better team, but I still genuinely hoped we had a chance to win. 3rd time's a charm, right? WRONG. 55-10. Most lopsided game in the history of the Super Bowl. I can actually recall the birth of a cynic within me during that game as I began to expect Jerry Rice to blow past us for endless touchdowns. The pain yielded to numbness, then to stone. My faith was dead.

Didn't we win back-to-back Super Bowls with Terrel Davis, Eddie Mac, Shannon Sharpe, Atwater, Romo and a host of great players? Yes. 2,000 yard rushing season? Yes. Did it re-kindle my childlike faith? No. As Frodo Baggins would say:

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on... when in your heart you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are somethings that time cannot mend... some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold."

Just ask my wife. I am damaged goods. You may be thinking, GET OVER IT YOU STUPID FOOL! ITS JUST A GAME!!! YOU DIDN'T EVEN PLAY ON THE TEAM!! All fair points. But that 10 year old boy didn't know that. All he knew was the pastor of his second church could not work miracles when it counted the most. I built up a wall around me to avoid being hurt like that again. I'd never let anyone or anything crush my hope like that again. Sounds stupid, unreasonable, but true. I'll admit it. The primary bricks in my wall? Lowered expectations, which eventually hardened with older age as I realized sports really are nothing more than entertainment. I savored the Terrell Davis years like a wounded animal chews on a hunk of red meat, but the threat of the stick always loomed in my mind.

Getting truly involved in my real faith gave me perspective on what's worth getting hurt for, and what's not. As much as I enjoy sports, I see their place as entertainment in my life. Do I still get ticked and upset? Of course (just read some prior sports posts). But I now have perspective that limits my passion for the game to within reasonable levels.

So when I look at the 4-0 Broncos, I want them to win, but the wild hope of my youth is gone. I carefully watched the Nuggets in the playoffs, but knew ultimate victory was unlikely. The Rockies were bound to get creamed by the Red Sox, and they may not get out of the first round this year. And I'm still waiting for Max Hall to throw the next interception. Maybe if I listen the Celine Dion song "Its all coming back to me now" I'll get the feeling back? Nah.

Absurd as it may sound, due to my relationship with sports, (in some part) I'm beginning to understand what Jesus meant by having childlike faith. Opening up fully like I did when I was a kid is a hard and scary thing to do, but He is the one person I can trust with my heart and faith. He does not fail us. I've got a long way to go (just ask my wife), but this following passage sums it up well:

Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God. (Eth 12:4)

Reality vs. Sword Dreams

I am a Star Wars baby and therefore one of my favorite sounds in the whole world is the menacing hum of a lightsaber. As the years drew on, I began to occasionally fiddle with role-playing games such as Dungeons & Dragons, despite my father's warnings that it was part of the Occult. He once told me of a youth who jumped off a cliff in a D&D game to earn more "magic" from the Dungeon Master. Of course, he left out the high probability this guy was blitzed on LSD.

Tangent. Sorry about that. Other movies back in the day such as Conan the Barbarian, Highlander and Excalibur fueled my fascination, not to mention video games, Nephi and the Sword of Laban. As a kid I secretly tried a few times to make a sword with a wooden stick and aluminum foil that I'd heat then sharpen... Never exactly worked out. You can imagine my delight and humor in the following article entitled, Generation X Sword Making.

http://www.anvilfire.com/FAQs/swords_faq_index.htm

This article basically rips on fools like me with dreams of forging my own blade of power. Here are some highlights if you don't want to read it:

First, you should ask yourself,
"Why do I want to make a sword?"
Then,
What do I intend to DO with it?

A sword is a weapon. Like a Bowie knife or gun they are a weapon designed for one person to kill another. Do you intend to kill someone? Are you playing games? Or do you just think it would be "neat" to have a sword hanging on the wall?

Most of the time I know the answers to these questions, perhaps better than you. But, do YOU know the answers?

You are a young male (99% of you and under 30). You are fascinated by weapons of all types. You like the movies Conan the Barbarian and Highlander (I, II, III. . .), and watch the television shows Highlander, Zena, Hercules and The Immortal (among others).

You may be into Dungeons and Dragons or the SCA (Society for Creative Anachronism). You think a sword shouldn't be too hard to make. You will want to play with it. Perhaps mock combat with one of your friends. You haven't thought about the fact that you or your friends could be, maimed, blinded or killed "just playing".

Do not deny it. It is your nature. It is why there are 10 - 12 accidental gun deaths of children every day in America. It is almost always boys handling the gun and the victim is almost always their best friend or neighbor. Swords do not kill quite as easily as guns but dead is still dead.

Sword Myths/Fiction:

• Blood does not make a superior quenchant (an old myth).
• Neither virgins or slaves have been used to test swords (that is a children's story).
• You cannot chop a machine gun barrel in two with a Japanese sword (modern myth).
• Ancient steels were not superior to modern alloy steels (another modern myth).
• Adamantium is a fictional comic book element without any basis in reality (like Kryptonite). It is just another "Unobtainium".
• Mithirl (J.R.R. Tolkien) another MYTHical metal.
• You cannot cold forge a sword from a leaf spring (modern web myth - parody).

As if all of this were not painful enough to learn, I then found this HIGHLY reputable article on why a real lightsaber is not going to happen anytime soon.

http://ask.yahoo.com/20040329.html

Garbage. My dreams, as usual have been crushed. I guess in the game of Rock, Scissors & Paper, the cold unforgiving rock of reality crushes the scissors (swords) of my dreams.

ARRRRRR... Would You Rather?

In honor of National Talk Like a Pirate Day, http://fletchword.blogspot.com/2008/09/talk-like-pirate-day.html I'd like to present the following clips:

Enough frivolity. Now for my answers to some serious "Would you rather?" questions:

• Be the sand castle or the wave? - The wave. I am a force of nature.
• Always have to say everything on your mind or never speak again? - Say everything (as if I don't already)
• Publish your diary or make a movie on your most embarrassing moment? - I guess I've already decided this one.
• Have a firecracker blow up in your mouth, or drill a small hole in your own forehead? - I hate oral pain. Give me the drill.
• Forget who you were or who everyone else was? - So this is a choice between being Jason Bourne and Drew Barrymore in 50 first dates. I would be Bourne and then snap your neck.
• French kiss a dog or have a baby spit up drool into your open mouth? - I've already had my kid puke in my mouth. I could do it again.
• Would you rather drink 1 gallon of ketchup or 1 gallon of mustard? - Ketchup. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down...
• Would you rather meet the Jonas Brothers or meet Miley Cyrus? - Wow. Miley so my daughters would think I'm cool for 5 minutes.
• Would you rather live as a dog or live as a cat? - I hate to be patronized and beg for people's attention. Plus, a cat would have an unmitigated license to kill.
• Would you rather go to a wild concert or a relaxing and joyful spa? - I'm getting old. Give me the joyful spa (I can feel the sunshine and hear the birds singing now).

Needless to say, I'll be wearing my "Surrender the Booty" T-shirt today. Now back to work ye scurvy dogs!

Dear Barry

You told me you were all about change. The Audacity of Hope. Prove it. Bring it. I don't want a public option, trillions of dollars in debt for loaded bills that no one reads or really cool windmills. The world is going to hell in a hand-basket. The Bible says so. Why not bother to change the one thing that matters, which the Bible is silent on? I know you want to change the BCS. In case you forgot. Here are your words from the gossip rag, 60 Minutes:

Now is the time for change. I DEMAND IT!!! If my kids have to live under the scourge of ludicrous debt and poor health care for all, I want them to at least have a legit college playoff with a bonafide National Champion. After all, sports will save us from an Orwellian nightmare of Massive Oligarchical Collectivist distopia. As you said, "This is important!"

Perhaps you think I'm getting riled up with delusions of grandeur that BYU has a shot this year. In case you didn't notice, our psychopath at quarterback nearly flipped out again in our stunning win over Oklahoma tonight. I have no title aspirations for my Cougars. But I want equality. Truth. Justice. If you want to go after fat-cats who oppress the downtrodden, fix the BCS. Raise a tribunal on those greedy punks that will make the steroid hearings a joke. Pander to me. Give me red meat.

If you break up the BCS, I will vote for you in 3 years. Depending on how the playoff system works out and if I have my fingers crossed right now as I type (amazing, I know). In politics we prize the middle ground and this is it. Make the American people proud. Cement your legacy and save us from M.O.C. distopia. Destroy the anti-trust BCS system. Be a man. Make it happen. YES YOU CAN!!! [Woooooo...]

Perhaps you are asking how? This is probably the most difficult task on the planet besides global warming and ensuring the new Green Religion is not separated from the state. Just use the trick you pulled to beat out Hillary. I'm sure those sadistic, toadish oppressors of the BCS will cave to your irresistible power:

Daddy Unicorn

Today I'd like to share a video that is a perfect representation of how my kids assault me when I'm tired. All I ask is that you replace the name "Charlie" with "Daddy" and you'll see how things are with me and my girls.

Here is the greatest tribute to Pachelbel's Canon in D of all times. Be sure to stick it out to the end as that's where the best stuff happens.

1984 in 2009

Yesterday I had to make a trip up to Casper WY by car, so I decided to hear a classic book on audio, 1984, by George Orwell. Orwell wrote this in 1948 as a warning of an impending massive oligarchical collectivist distopia if Communist ideals were fully embraced. Sounds heavy. I'm going to assume you know something about the book. If not, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nineteen_Eighty-Four. Leave it to me to come up with some absurd thoughts while listening to the unabridged recording:

• Big Brother - He is everywhere on posters, with his enormous mustache and eyes that follow you. Today we now understand that Chuck Norris is Big Brother. Here's why: http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/
• Telescreen - Orwell's idea of the telescreen was visionary. Now that we have web-cams built into most modern monitors and laptops, the idea of the government being able to watch us at all times is getting closer. Where he missed the boat was the idea that telescrens would only be for propaganda. More on that in a bit.
• New Speak - In 1984, this is how the M.O.C. government uses words to control thought. Today we call it being politically correct or P.C. Even that has become too cliche and the expression Culturally Sensitive is more appropriate. Terrorists are Insurgents? And yet I'm still a Mormon right-wing nut job. Give me some 84'. Newspeak was another brilliant prediction by Orwell. I'm no English major, so the explanations of the new condensed language went over my head, until he said the opening of the Declaration of Independence would simply be translated as: Thought-crime.
• Winston - The main character, Winston Smith is like Neo (from the Matrix). He knows there is something wrong with the world, can't exactly say what it is and will heroically try to do something about it. In 1984 fashion, instead of becoming a messiah, he gets the snot tortured out of him until he becomes sane (insane). He also has a thing for smoking cigarrets. In 2009, his name would more appropriately be McDonald, a pitiful man addicted to greasy, synthetic cheeseburgers.
• War is Peace - Orwell's big mistake comes here. He totally missed the boat on the power of sports to captivate the human mind and enslave them to a personally meaningless cause. Avraham Gileadi decries sports as the worship of false idols, comparable to the gladiator games causing the downfall of Roman rule. Orwell didn't see a world filled with ESPN 8 ("The Ocho"), fantasy sports, instant mobile sports news, sling-box, DVR and enormous time spent in front of Telescreens, were the people could be watched and controlled. As a young man, I found a good outlet for my violent tendencies in football (and heavy metal). http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qa3852/is_199901/ai_n8838371/. If the M.O.C. had realized this, they would have gone the way of modern China and the former C.C.C.P., training athletes from birth, allowing people to spend all of their "surplus" energy and emotion on sports, rather than a constant state of war.

So I came away from this book convinced capitalism is good, socialism is bad and sports will save the world. That pretty much sums up us knuckle dragging inbred religious conservatives. Of course, my crowd still believes in the 2-minute hate (AKA - Organized Religion) and the idea that "Ignorance is Strength" as we shield our children from the base and vile things of the world.

Perhaps if Orwell had known about Hypno Toads, he would have had the M.O.C. use them instead of ghastly torture sessions in the Ministry of Love:

Mr. Fair - I have now finished my book report. I demand a change to my Sophomore high school transcript from a C- to a gentleman's C.

Worst Grief Video EVER

One of the reasons I love hair metal is the awkwardness of it. Below is a prime example. It could be the worst grief video ever. Period. The end. (The corporate punk sell-outs at Youtube won't let me embed it so you'll have to break a finger and click on the link):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NF_-_MVfFiw

At least Coldplay got the grieving video right. Check it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V3Kd7IGPyeg

I think I'd like to see an entire film done backwards. If you have any recommendations, please share.

BTW - Kip Winger "supposedly" went to my middle school. My science teacher told a girl we have the desk he sat in encased in glass sealed up in the basement. Perhaps I'll make it my own Mission Impossible stunt to break into the basement and heroically turn the desk over to the hair metal preservation alliance... unless the teacher was only joking, but who would do such a thing???

Stepping up to the Plate

A good friend of mine graciously invited me to sample some fantastic food and take in a great Rockies game last night. While at the game, the subject of theme music before stepping up to the plate came up. Naturally 80's hair metal came up in my mind. I've been told that I'm a wishy-washy indecisive person, so I have made my final pick. However, I have 4 alternates waiting. Here is my list:

1. Whitesnake - Here I go Again
2. Judas Priest - Turbo Lover
3. Enter Sandman - Metallica
4. Check Yo Self - Ice Cube
5. The Power - Snap

Of course, I started thinking about lame songs to walk up to as well:

1. Hit me baby one more time - Brittany Spears
2. Vogue - Maddona
3. Lovefool - The Cardigans
4. Hangin' Tough - New Kids on the Block
5. Copacabana - Barry Manilow

Of course I have to give Jake his due, with one of his choices: I'm Too Sexy - Right Said Fred. My top pick is in the player on the left. Rock on.

Dear John

Many moons ago, I vented all of my anger about Brett Favre's return to football. I stand by everything I said last time: http://fletchword.blogspot.com/2008/08/man-crush.html. However this time something is missing. John Madden.

Yes, Mr. Madden had perhaps the greatest man crush of all time on Favre. I think it is only appropriate that he commemorate Favre's return by un-retiring himself and getting behind the mic again to drool all over the object of his desire. Here is a classic demonstration of the Man Crush:

So I'm now offering up the anti-Dear John to John: ... come back. We love you. Brett needs you. You need each other. Here is one more clip just for grins and the good times:

Impending Doom with Quotes

Perhaps you felt a chill this evening. Tonight I witnessed a truly horrific sight. The end of all things... Broncos. As I knew them. Did you know that no other franchise has won more games over the last 25 than the Denver Broncos other than the Pittsburgh Steelers? As a fan of the Orange Crush, 4th Quarter miracles and two redemptive Super Bowl victories, I have been nourished. But now the famine begins and I cannot drink my salty tears.

Kyle Orton is an abomination and desecrates the field of battle every time he dons a Broncos uniform. The two moments I tuned into tonight's preseason game, I was treated to interceptions. Like a two merciless nails being slammed into my coffin of childhood faith. Here is my lament, borrowed from a poet:

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message The Broncos are Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

Football was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever; I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one:
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods:
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

BRING WOOD AND OIL!!! I will now light myself on fire (again). You can listen to my death lament song Adagio for Strings in the player on the left to help the grieving tears flow.

Quotes - Within my family to understand our language one must speak in "quote" (the pun was intended). Thanks to the astonishing miracle of the Internet, I've been able to compile a few favorites on the left for your minor edification and entertainment. May they bring sense, reason and humor to daily life as they continually do mine.

Bandwagons & Babylon

I think I have a diagnosis for the sickness of American culture. I call it "Bandwagon Syndrome." Of course not everyone jumps on every bandwagon that passes and there are plenty of weirdos out there that could use a trip on a normal bandwagon. What I'm really saying is that bandwagons are a tool of the great Satan Corporate America to enslave us and blind our eyes to the truth. Bandwagons = Babylon.

I'm happily guilty of riding on several bandwagons lately: The Denver Nuggets, the Twilight SAGA, the Harry Potter SAGA, Gorilla Diets, Facebook and Yanni. Yes, Yanni was for real.

Twitter is the latest fad to hit mainstream America with disturbing acceptance. To battle this new virus I'd like to share THE AGITATIONIST'S 15 Reasons Twitter Must Die: http://agitationist.com/15-reasons-twitter-must-die

If you don't read the article, it can be summed up as "Twitter is just another tool to replace the voices in your head, ignore your soul-crushing job, and numb you to the yawning chasm of emptiness that is your life."

GET UP!!! - I'm convinced the key to productivity lies in getting up early. Which is nearly impossible for me. Why? Because I'm a night owl watching movies, reading books or running my mouth in a social gathering. Many cite the Lord being an early riser: Mark 1: 35, Luke 21: 38, John 8: 2, John 21: 4 as reason for getting up early. Clearly I need to depart the ways of Babylon to get on track. If I became an early riser, I would be more effective at work, exercising and daily worship. So, here and now I commit to going to bed on time so I can stop being such a worthless slacker.

Road Trip Part Deux

The second half of my summer vacation has come and gone. It was great to see the fam in So Cal. Here are some random thoughts:

• "Total Lobster Dude" - Since my time in the sun was limited, I decided to wear SPF 4 Hawaiian Tropics competition formula sunscreen to maximize my tanning moments. Yes it smells good, made me hungry for Pina Coladas, but an ultra white boy like me just can't do that much sun in two days. Back in the day, a friend of my sister's was awarded the title of "TOTAL LOBSTER" by some surfers in California. I now claim the title, but I'm too sore to lift my arms over my head.
• Beverage Destruction - Enchanted by the ineffective tanning lotion, I decided to make some triple extra virgin Pina Coladas. Ever since I paid through the nose for a mega-virgin $8 Pina Colada in Maui (with a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup on top), I've sought to re-create that amazing beverage again. However, this was a sad attempt my friends. My Pineapple juice was not sweet enough, the coconut milk came from a bad cow and I think the Beverage gods frowned upon the whole thing. Toward the end of blending, the machine groaning beneath the sickening foam gave up the ghost and broke. Others drank it to spare my feelings as I wallowed in deep virgin P.C. shame.
• Duex Mas - Never watch Lakeiew Terrace and Taken back-to-back. It will crush your spirit and fluffy bunnies. To be fair, Taken was a totally awesome movie. Qui-Gon Jinn as he was meant to be. Not since Commando has one man opened up a can righteous indignation with such ruthless results!!! [elbow smashing - YEAH!!]. Needless to say, late at night Julie will find me awake, staring into the mirror, while reciting:

"I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you."

• Captain Christopher Pike - This guy would make the best Priest's Quorum advisor ever...His speech to a wayward youth would go something like this: "Your old man baptized 50 people in Afghanistan. You could settle for less than a spiritual life. I dare you to do better. Enlist to serve a mission."
• The Historian - This has nothing to do with my road trip, but was a fantastic book about several historians searching for clues to find the real Dracula's tomb. I don't scare too much, but this one freaked me out a bit. Good suspense, interesting story. Check it out for an alternative to the "Edward, you are so dripping H-O-TT Hot!" Twilight stuff. BTW, is anyone left on Team Jacob?

Cheers to each and every one of you staying cool and having a great summer.

Turning Chinese

I often hear of people in the world complaining about American influence on their culture. Since our culture is pure, awesome and undiluted American goodness, I have no idea what its like to have another culture pervade my daily life. However, the following clip gives us a taste of what life will be like once the rapidly growing Chinese economy engulfs our own:

Personally, I don't think I'd mind having a ton of ultra productive women running around. Let's all head down to P.F. Chang's and make a toast to turning Chinese.

Road Trip Part 1

My family makes an annual migration to So. Cal and visits relatives along the way. I'm taking a siesta from the trip to go home and WORK. Here are a few thoughts from the trip so far:

• "Actually, this is my song." Thanks RIAA. My kids definitely got the message that music is property, not art. Nearly every song we played in the car was claimed by one of the kids. Once claimed, no one else can sing it (contrary to parental rules). They fought tooth and nail over every line of Elton's "Yellow Brick Road." As you may have guessed, we gave up on music until the crew fell asleep.
• The Female Mind - During a road trip, many random things wind up in Mom's purse. The question is whether or not you can find that item later. I've decided that a woman's purse is like her mind. To a man, it is total chaos; an unknowable abyss of stuff. Its been said 'women don't know what they want.' If so, I say Eureka! This explains why a purse seems to be an impossible labyrinth, reflecting a woman's state of mind. No wonder the "Man Bag" never worked out for Seinfeld. Like wallets, men are small minded, neatly compartmentalized and stripped down to essentials. Of course a few of us get lazy about cleaning out the wallet and we get fat. If I could easily find items in my wife's purse, it would mean I finally understand her mind. Clearly this will never happen in this lifetime.
• Red Rock Resort - Since the day it was built south of my former residence in Summerlin, I've been wanting to stay at this hotel. Thanks to 10 wonderful years with my beautiful wife, we had a good excuse to drop the kids with family and visit this hotel. I love modern architecture and contemporary furnishings so this was a perfect retreat for me. The pool was very comfortable and tame by Vegas standards. One of the best hotel experiences I've ever had. The wife reported the spa to be amazing and is plotting a return trip. 5 Stars in my humble traveler's opinion. A perfect anniversary. It took 10 years, but I finally got something right. http://www.redrocklasvegas.com/virtual_tour/

I'll rejoin the expedition later next month in So Cal, away from the breath of Satan that punishes the Las Vegas area. Until then, keep on claiming songs and threaten all who dare to sing them.

P.S. I realize my purse thing is a GROSS COGNITIVE DISTORTION. But I welcome all angry, bitter and salty feminazi comments. I'll read them as I splash on some Brute aftershave.

The Father's Lounge

Before you dismiss my proposal, just hear me out. In the modern era of gender equality and our preaching this doctrine; I think its time Father's Lounges were installed in all chapels. Women think they have a good reason to use them (see below), but I have a host of reasons why men need them too.

• Men sometimes have to feed babies too. This is very intimate bonding time that should be enjoyed without distractions. Plus falling asleep during the feeding in a comfy chair would help work productivity during the week.
• A nice quite room out of the public eye is a much better place to teach rowdy kids about "the laying on of hands" than dragging them out to the car.
• It would make an excellent place for the Bishop to catch a 15 minute power nap in the middle of a long day.
• The FL could also serve as a decompression chamber for the father about to loose his temper.
• We could get some of those awesome $5,000 sharper image massage chairs for worn-out dads that couldn't pay to get a back-rub at home.
• Men would have a place to talk sports, work and vent frustrations about our modern culture treating them as drone ATM machines and IKEA credit cards. Let's face it. This sort of meaningful discussion doesn't happen enough during moves.
• The FL would have awesome La-Z boy recliners with in seat speakers to hear talks as if they were right in their ears. The absorption of messages could increase 10 fold.
• Changing diapers in the FL would save the rest of the guys from having the reek in the regular men's room.
• Informal meetings could get tons accomplished, BBQ's, pizza parties and other ways to blow the $20 EQ budget could be arranged.
• While changing diapers in the FL, men would be free to utter phrases of shock, awe and the unintentional swear word after a massive blow-out. He'd also spare himself the jokes from deacons and disapproving stares from "has-been" dads as they shake their heads.
• The emotional comfort to the guy who lost his tree-house in a fire and now has a new "fort of security" could be a boon of celestial wonder.

Feminist Mormon Housewives agree:

"I reflected in the breastfeeding incident thread that I believe the mothers’ room at church to be the place in LDS chapels where some of the most important work of the kingdom is done...The rite of passage to motherhood including birth and adoption stories are shared and integrated. Baby showers, playdates, and moms’ nights out are arranged. Parenting exasperations and joys are shared, advice requested and given, different approaches discussed, tips about second-hand stores, preschools, etc. passed on. When our new chapel was built, I heard rumors that some of the stake leaders (women included) commented that they didn’t want to make the mother’s lounge TOO comfortable for fear that young mothers would “take advantage of it” and skip their meetings “just to chat” instead of taking care of their business (nursing, diaper changing) expeditiously and returning to their meetings. Heaven forbid mothers should bear each other’s mothering burdens, too! Well, no great harm done. In spite of the physical discomforts and disadvantages (stinky diaper pails included), the mothers’ room remains a haven, a community center, even sacred space." http://www.feministmormonhousewives.org/?p=373

If women consider these place sacred, then men should not be denied equal opportunity to these blessings! By now I'm sure you are convinced. Join me. Let's email a petition with the yes votes from my poll to SLC and request a remodel of all chapels world-wide to accommodate this essential need. I hear that sort of thing works all the time! And by the way, my wife is totally in favor of this. I love you baby! Wooo!!!

My Take on The Half-blood Prince

I'm fresh off viewing the latest Harry Potter flick, The Half-blood Prince. A very well done film and of course when it comes to adaptation, some things were right, others not. (At least from my perspective.) If you haven't read the books or want to keep adaptation surprises fresh, don't read further. If you haven't done so, read the books. Half the planet can't be wrong.

As with all of the Potter films, this one feels incredibly rushed to someone who has read the books. As a result, there are fine details or nuances I've built into scenes and characters that I miss on screen. HBP's trade mark is the teenage infatuation or puppy love moments. Snogging. Books convey thoughts and emotions with much more power and clarity, rather than trying to read an actor's face (Twilight a good example of this - too much of it). Likewise, Harry's anger, sense of loneliness and realizations of who he is are also hard to get out of Radcliffe, although I can't say an actor could do a finer job.

The opening sequences with the Death Eaters went well and I thought Michael Gambon (Dumbledore) turned in a wonderful performance. His work in the cave sequence was excellent. Most of that passage was exactly as I imagined it. Drinking all of the "Bitter Cup" in an act of sacrifice, was very powerful to me. Additionally, the Felix scene (perhaps my favorite in all the books), while impossible to replicate on screen worked well for me.

I can live with most of the modifications in this movie but the ending sequence didn't do justice. In the book, Dumbledore paralyzes Harry before he is killed. Harry has to watch Dumbledore die in a state of total helplessness. Much more effective than watching from below. Later a huge battle errupts in the castle between the DE's and the Order as well as some students. Severe harm is inflicted on many characters. In the film version, a few acts of vandalism occur, but the sudden violation of the Hogwarts safe haven and the devastation left in its wake seemed grossly understated in the film. The raising of the wands to abolish the dark mark seemed a reasonable substitute for the funeral.

Overall, I have mixed feelings. I really did enjoy the film, perhaps I just need time to digest this alternate idea of the story. If anything, this film has made me very happy that the 7th book will be split into two movies so adequate time can be given to the details, as I'm sure most fan will savor them. Until November 2010.

Double the Pleasure

Recently something my native Colorado blood called out to me and I felt compelled to hike some of the 53 peaks in Colorado over 14,000 ft. Heeding the call, I helped organize a non-sanctioned event yesterday to assault Gray's Peak and the neighboring Torreys Peak, some of the easiest hikes on the list. Here is a brief run-down of how it went:

• 7:10 AM - Arrived last at the trail head. Shawn, Mark and Paul greet me with smiles and tell me we'll have to double-time it to catch up with the others.
• 5 minutes later I am winded and wondering what I've gotten myself into.
• 15 minutes later I meet up with the rest of the pack consisting of Kevin, Bryce, Jake (the Juggernaut) and Jared. (FYI - I don't do full names on my blog).
• Shortly after hiking with the entire group, I realize I'm the weakest link and will be happy to reach the summit with them.
• I gravitate to the back of the pack and take in some of the gorgeous scenery. Lord of the Rings music echoes in my mental ipod.
• 10:30 AM - We reach the summit of Gray's Peak (14,270 ft.) to follow the journey, click on this link: http://www.14ers.com/php14ers/qpick.php?parmpeak=9 and go to routes. The views are remarkable. Regrettably, I did not stand on the rocks, fling my arms into the air and scream: "DRAAAAAGOOOOOOO!!!"
• Succumbing to peer pressure (or provoking it), I decide to go down about 1,000 ft and tackle the neighboring Torreys Peak (14,267 ft.). This ascent is more direct and taxing since the body is ready to keep going down.
• Around 11:30 AM we achieve the summit of Torreys and relax a bit. I chatted with a gentleman who has done all but six of the 53 14er's. He tells me these were his first two peaks when he started years ago and he was out of shape just like me.
• Descending to the saddle of the two peaks, we find a slushy snow field to get back to the main trail. One bad slip and its onto the human cheese grater of rocks below. (Of course, I'm crazy enough to get a photo in the middle of this.)
• Blessed with shock absorbers for knees, I bound down the trail and arrive back at the trail head around 1:40 PM.

This hike is very crowded but I didn't find that to be annoying. If anything, I enjoyed the universal feel of camaraderie among people working at a similar goal. I was stunned at the number of dogs on the trail. Ultra Sweat-proof SPF 70 still earns you a sunburn at 14,000 ft. The following link gives some more details about 14er's in Colorado: http://climbing.about.com/od/mountainclimbing/a/Fourteeners1.htm

Going up I was wondering what I'd done to myself and coming down I was thinking about which one to take on next. Perhaps the lack of oxygen and heavy breathing made me temporarily insane. But here I am the day after wanting to do more. If you would like to get involved in the next mission, shoot me an email. Until next time, happy trails to you, until we meet again.

Drenched Freedom

Greetings from Denver, Washington! I suppose I can blame my friend Tom for bringing the rain from Seattle with him when he moved back to town. I wouldn't be surprised to find Dr. Cullen and his impossibly good looking children move in across the street given all the rain and cloud cover. Of course I won't complain since I live in a house with no A/C and no house fan. Here are some thoughts from the 4th of July weekend on events and some flicks.

• UP - Took in the latest Pixar offering over the weekend. I thoroughly enjoyed it. An older man looses his childhood sweetheart after a happy life, but they were unable to have children. After his wife dies, he vows to live the adventure they never took and he winds up in South America via a ton of colorful helium filled balloons. One thing I was not prepared for: tears. Yes. I shed a few in this movie. In fact, when Julie looked over said, "are you crying?" I started to laugh at myself. Several sequences are non-verbal, allowing the music and facial expressions to carry the scene. Yes, its just a cartoon, but the message and the emotions were superb. Perhaps earlier in my life it would have been less stirring, but as I approach the 10 year anniversary, I can only imagine what the loss feels like after 40 or 50 years. I'm making it sound so serious. Like most Pixar works, there is a fun, whimsical feel to the movie that my kids loved. Especially the short at the beginning and the talking dogs. Overall, I'd say this is in my top 3 of Pixar "classics."
• Fore! - On the 3rd I went golfing for the first time in my life with my own set of clubs (which shall remain nameless). Despite the empowerment from my own clubs, my game still stunk. At least I had the "UT" clubs to help me along. I initially thought of them as the Utah clubs, giving me the power of both Zion and Mecca in one swing. But then Adam informed me that UT, just means utility club. I was sorely disappointed. Best part of the nine holes? I found a gold painted ball. My short game still stunk using it, but failure never looked so cool.
• Poor Man's Horseshoe's - On the 4th, we went to a friends house with a large backyard for a BBQ. Thanks to a simply amazing canopy, the rain did not deter the event. As the rain cleared, we began to play a game similar to horseshoes, but with bean bags, thrown onto boards with a hole cut out. If the bag lands on the board its 1 point, in the hole, 3 points. I'll spare all of the rules, etc. but can say it was a highly addictive game. I nearly screamed in anguish after blowing a 9-2 lead (the game is played to 11 points).
• World Trade Center - I watched this on the 4th to remember sacrifices made on 9/11. The movie would be more appropriately titled, "Buried under the World Trade Center." This was a difficult movie to watch. Not because it was poorly made, but it is based on a true story of 2 Port Authority cops that get buried in the rubble of the first tower. A living nightmare. Much of the movie is them talking and flash-backs of their families trying to get information about them. There are no high-tech special effects shots of the planes slamming into the buildings or fast-paced action sequences in stairwells etc. At first, I was a bit disappointed, but realized the filmmakers stuck to the story and avoided sensationalizing the violence. Many have said that anti-war movies like Platoon and Full Metal Jacket glorify the violence and instead of horrifying us, it becomes "war porn" to young men who think the action is exciting if not comical. So in that sense, this movie shows the sufferings and the horrors of the day, without glorifying the violence. And when help does come it is truly a wonderful thing to watch.
• Patriots - Lastly, the WTC movie made me realize something those cops have in common with our early patriots and all who have fought for our freedom. They put their lives on the line so others might live. Not for honor or glory, but because it was the right thing to do. In doing so, these men truly exemplified the love and courage of Christ. "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." So at the conclusion of a wonderful holiday, where I enjoyed so many blessings, I'd like to express my gratitude for those who have served and those currently working to protect our rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. May God bless them and their families for their sacrifices and may we never forget what has been done for us.

I can hardly believe 2009 is halfway spent and you just lost a good chunk of it if you read this far. So eat your orange wedges, listen to the coach yell and may each of you find success in the second half!

Mo-Tabs Rock Red Rocks

As a proud Denver native I feel deep shame to admit I've never been to Red Rocks until this evening. It is a simply stunning venue with majestic views of the foothills and Denver. Not to mention the unique acoustics provided by the massive rock formations. Throw in a world class choir, perfect weather, thunderstorms in the distance and a transcendent musical experience is born.

Many of you may be thinking an evening with Mack and the Mo-Tabs would be a dull round of hymns with gaudy organ work. A fight to stay awake and maintain dignity. Far from it. I've been to Mo-Tab Concerts before, but never like this performance.

The choir performed everything from classical masterpieces to old-time spirituals to Island music. Much of it was upbeat and rousing, but well complimented by more somber spiritual pieces. The choir had a soloist offer an animated and very soulful rendition of "I want Jesus to Walk With Me" that brought the house down. I've never heard people hoot, holler and cheer like that before during a Mo-Tab song. I can't believe I'm going to say this, but it was electrifying. I could even see silent bursts of lightning in the distance as he sang. This was shortly followed by an organ solo that was done almost entirely by foot at a fast pace, which also brought the crowd to roars of applause. I was stunned and overjoyed at the scene.

Surreal as venue, the music and the moment, at the beginning of the concert it was announced that the Prophet, Thomas Monson had decided to attend. Nearly 30 feet away he rose to a standing ovation. It was a pleasure to stand and cheer for God's prophet in public and to see so many others do likewise. The Spirit flooded the amphitheater at that time and set a remarkable tone. Jim Gassman, the friend I owe many thanks to for inviting me made an insightful comment that it must be a treat for the Prophet to actually watch the choir rather than just hear them over his shoulder in conference.

Seriously, this could be one of the greatest musical events I've ever witnessed. I'm not sure I ever want to see anything else at Red Rock to spoil the memories I now have. I'd tell you to go see them the next time they are in your area, but I'm not sure that performance can be topped. To make things even sweeter, we somehow zipped out before traffic and made it home in record time. All in all, a genuinely transcendent evening.