The Women's Circle - A Guide for Dudes

If you are a young man on the precipice of marriage or contemplating such a commitment, take heed from an old man further down the road. Let me begin with this:

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” ― H.M. Harwood

During those salad days of courtship and the honeymoon; a man may feel like his opinion is quite important to his lady. You marry thinking this woman cares what you think and expect this will never change. But do not be deceived, this is going to change.. over time, its going to feel like your opinion will count for less and maybe none.. all she seems cares about is what her mom, friends or co-workers think. Don't let this get you down.

We often tend to think of men as the hormonal, bombastic, ego-driven competitive gender. However recent studies have shown this is not entirely accurate. Women are fiercely competitive, but often its manifested in different ways. Initially, women compete with each other over men. This is nice because us guys benefit from it. But once the knot is tied, the competition continues. Beauty, clothes, kids, careers and Instagram auras. Welcome to phase two of the competitive relationship women have with each other.

Enter The Women's Circle. Prepare for the Mommy Wars. 

Men envision glorious combat within places like the "Thunder-dome" or "War Memorial Stadium". But for our beautiful spouses they smile and subtly throw down in the home, at the park or the playground and in the drop-off zone at school. Sadly, this probably happens at Church too. Post marriage, phase two is all about establishing position within The Women's Circle; the governing body that rules all mankind indirectly.

I first heard of The Women's Circle from Robert Jordan's High Epic Fantasy series, Wheel of Time. In a prior post, I've noted my praise and struggles with this series. F-Word: WOT But this is one concept Jordan had right. Here is how the WOT Wiki page summarizes it and I've modified and added a few things to fit modern life:

Across Suburban America, married women hold themselves independent of their husbands and practice a form of gender-based bicameral government. The Women's Circle of each community is an all-female committee whose members are married women within a common community such as a neighborhood, school district or church congregation; often a combination of all three. Each Circle is headed by a Wisdom who is chosen by an unspoken vote of status from the members. The Wisdom is often not the authority on all subjects. For example, one woman may be the Wisdom on children, another on home decor', and others for cooking and fitness. Much of this unspoken communication occurs within social networks such as Pintrest, Instagram and Facebook. However the primary way this happens is through the day-today motions of presentation, imitation and suggestion. For example, a powerful Wisdom may dress her child a certain way, others recognize her taste as superior, imitate it with their own children and then suggest others do the same.  

Hardly any of these decisions had anything to do with your opinion - and rightfully so. Consider this:

As a man, its nice to have your mom or your wife praise what or how you do at work etc. But compare that validation with similar praise from a peer or a competitor in your field. While its appreciated, the validation from other men or peers is often more satisfying because they are your competitors. Likewise, a stay at home mom, career woman or a hybrid model is not going to feel fully validated by her husband's opinion. You walk a different path. Heck, you may just be trying to butter her up for "other" reasons... and she knows it. This is part of the reason why women compete or seek validation and approval from each other --- and not you.

So young brother, just get over it. If fact, you should encourage it! You married a woman hoping she would never change and that was stupid (trust me, I know). People change and hopefully you have for the better. Otherwise, that wonderful, bride of yours may give up on her phase two game and start re-thinking phase one. If you want her support to lead a full life, do the same for her. As the axiom goes, "happy wife, happy life." I'll end with some good Christian wisdom:

 Mark 8:35

For whosoever will save his life shall lose it; but whosoever shall lose his life for my sake and the gospel’s, the same shall save it.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

 Colossians 3:19

Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.

Editor's Note 4/5/17: After some soul searching, I decided to repent and change the tone and message of this post from 3/19/17 which I regret. If you read the original at my behest, my apologies for all the vinegar. I feel like this now says what was on my mind in a much more reasonable manner.