Worst Grief Video EVER

One of the reasons I love hair metal is the awkwardness of it. Below is a prime example. It could be the worst grief video ever. Period. The end. (The corporate punk sell-outs at Youtube won't let me embed it so you'll have to break a finger and click on the link):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NF_-_MVfFiw

At least Coldplay got the grieving video right. Check it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V3Kd7IGPyeg

I think I'd like to see an entire film done backwards. If you have any recommendations, please share.

BTW - Kip Winger "supposedly" went to my middle school. My science teacher told a girl we have the desk he sat in encased in glass sealed up in the basement. Perhaps I'll make it my own Mission Impossible stunt to break into the basement and heroically turn the desk over to the hair metal preservation alliance... unless the teacher was only joking, but who would do such a thing???

Stepping up to the Plate

A good friend of mine graciously invited me to sample some fantastic food and take in a great Rockies game last night. While at the game, the subject of theme music before stepping up to the plate came up. Naturally 80's hair metal came up in my mind. I've been told that I'm a wishy-washy indecisive person, so I have made my final pick. However, I have 4 alternates waiting. Here is my list:

1. Whitesnake - Here I go Again
2. Judas Priest - Turbo Lover
3. Enter Sandman - Metallica
4. Check Yo Self - Ice Cube
5. The Power - Snap

Of course, I started thinking about lame songs to walk up to as well:

1. Hit me baby one more time - Brittany Spears
2. Vogue - Maddona
3. Lovefool - The Cardigans
4. Hangin' Tough - New Kids on the Block
5. Copacabana - Barry Manilow

Of course I have to give Jake his due, with one of his choices: I'm Too Sexy - Right Said Fred. My top pick is in the player on the left. Rock on.

Dear John

Many moons ago, I vented all of my anger about Brett Favre's return to football. I stand by everything I said last time: http://fletchword.blogspot.com/2008/08/man-crush.html. However this time something is missing. John Madden.

Yes, Mr. Madden had perhaps the greatest man crush of all time on Favre. I think it is only appropriate that he commemorate Favre's return by un-retiring himself and getting behind the mic again to drool all over the object of his desire. Here is a classic demonstration of the Man Crush:

So I'm now offering up the anti-Dear John to John: ... come back. We love you. Brett needs you. You need each other. Here is one more clip just for grins and the good times:

Impending Doom with Quotes

Perhaps you felt a chill this evening. Tonight I witnessed a truly horrific sight. The end of all things... Broncos. As I knew them. Did you know that no other franchise has won more games over the last 25 than the Denver Broncos other than the Pittsburgh Steelers? As a fan of the Orange Crush, 4th Quarter miracles and two redemptive Super Bowl victories, I have been nourished. But now the famine begins and I cannot drink my salty tears.

Kyle Orton is an abomination and desecrates the field of battle every time he dons a Broncos uniform. The two moments I tuned into tonight's preseason game, I was treated to interceptions. Like a two merciless nails being slammed into my coffin of childhood faith. Here is my lament, borrowed from a poet:

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message The Broncos are Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

Football was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever; I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one:
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods:
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

BRING WOOD AND OIL!!! I will now light myself on fire (again). You can listen to my death lament song Adagio for Strings in the player on the left to help the grieving tears flow.

Quotes - Within my family to understand our language one must speak in "quote" (the pun was intended). Thanks to the astonishing miracle of the Internet, I've been able to compile a few favorites on the left for your minor edification and entertainment. May they bring sense, reason and humor to daily life as they continually do mine.

Bandwagons & Babylon

I think I have a diagnosis for the sickness of American culture. I call it "Bandwagon Syndrome." Of course not everyone jumps on every bandwagon that passes and there are plenty of weirdos out there that could use a trip on a normal bandwagon. What I'm really saying is that bandwagons are a tool of the great Satan Corporate America to enslave us and blind our eyes to the truth. Bandwagons = Babylon.

I'm happily guilty of riding on several bandwagons lately: The Denver Nuggets, the Twilight SAGA, the Harry Potter SAGA, Gorilla Diets, Facebook and Yanni. Yes, Yanni was for real.

Twitter is the latest fad to hit mainstream America with disturbing acceptance. To battle this new virus I'd like to share THE AGITATIONIST'S 15 Reasons Twitter Must Die: http://agitationist.com/15-reasons-twitter-must-die

If you don't read the article, it can be summed up as "Twitter is just another tool to replace the voices in your head, ignore your soul-crushing job, and numb you to the yawning chasm of emptiness that is your life."

GET UP!!! - I'm convinced the key to productivity lies in getting up early. Which is nearly impossible for me. Why? Because I'm a night owl watching movies, reading books or running my mouth in a social gathering. Many cite the Lord being an early riser: Mark 1: 35, Luke 21: 38, John 8: 2, John 21: 4 as reason for getting up early. Clearly I need to depart the ways of Babylon to get on track. If I became an early riser, I would be more effective at work, exercising and daily worship. So, here and now I commit to going to bed on time so I can stop being such a worthless slacker.

Road Trip Part Deux

The second half of my summer vacation has come and gone. It was great to see the fam in So Cal. Here are some random thoughts:

• "Total Lobster Dude" - Since my time in the sun was limited, I decided to wear SPF 4 Hawaiian Tropics competition formula sunscreen to maximize my tanning moments. Yes it smells good, made me hungry for Pina Coladas, but an ultra white boy like me just can't do that much sun in two days. Back in the day, a friend of my sister's was awarded the title of "TOTAL LOBSTER" by some surfers in California. I now claim the title, but I'm too sore to lift my arms over my head.
• Beverage Destruction - Enchanted by the ineffective tanning lotion, I decided to make some triple extra virgin Pina Coladas. Ever since I paid through the nose for a mega-virgin $8 Pina Colada in Maui (with a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup on top), I've sought to re-create that amazing beverage again. However, this was a sad attempt my friends. My Pineapple juice was not sweet enough, the coconut milk came from a bad cow and I think the Beverage gods frowned upon the whole thing. Toward the end of blending, the machine groaning beneath the sickening foam gave up the ghost and broke. Others drank it to spare my feelings as I wallowed in deep virgin P.C. shame.
• Duex Mas - Never watch Lakeiew Terrace and Taken back-to-back. It will crush your spirit and fluffy bunnies. To be fair, Taken was a totally awesome movie. Qui-Gon Jinn as he was meant to be. Not since Commando has one man opened up a can righteous indignation with such ruthless results!!! [elbow smashing - YEAH!!]. Needless to say, late at night Julie will find me awake, staring into the mirror, while reciting:

"I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you."

• Captain Christopher Pike - This guy would make the best Priest's Quorum advisor ever...His speech to a wayward youth would go something like this: "Your old man baptized 50 people in Afghanistan. You could settle for less than a spiritual life. I dare you to do better. Enlist to serve a mission."
• The Historian - This has nothing to do with my road trip, but was a fantastic book about several historians searching for clues to find the real Dracula's tomb. I don't scare too much, but this one freaked me out a bit. Good suspense, interesting story. Check it out for an alternative to the "Edward, you are so dripping H-O-TT Hot!" Twilight stuff. BTW, is anyone left on Team Jacob?

Cheers to each and every one of you staying cool and having a great summer.

Turning Chinese

I often hear of people in the world complaining about American influence on their culture. Since our culture is pure, awesome and undiluted American goodness, I have no idea what its like to have another culture pervade my daily life. However, the following clip gives us a taste of what life will be like once the rapidly growing Chinese economy engulfs our own:

Personally, I don't think I'd mind having a ton of ultra productive women running around. Let's all head down to P.F. Chang's and make a toast to turning Chinese.

Road Trip Part 1

My family makes an annual migration to So. Cal and visits relatives along the way. I'm taking a siesta from the trip to go home and WORK. Here are a few thoughts from the trip so far:

• "Actually, this is my song." Thanks RIAA. My kids definitely got the message that music is property, not art. Nearly every song we played in the car was claimed by one of the kids. Once claimed, no one else can sing it (contrary to parental rules). They fought tooth and nail over every line of Elton's "Yellow Brick Road." As you may have guessed, we gave up on music until the crew fell asleep.
• The Female Mind - During a road trip, many random things wind up in Mom's purse. The question is whether or not you can find that item later. I've decided that a woman's purse is like her mind. To a man, it is total chaos; an unknowable abyss of stuff. Its been said 'women don't know what they want.' If so, I say Eureka! This explains why a purse seems to be an impossible labyrinth, reflecting a woman's state of mind. No wonder the "Man Bag" never worked out for Seinfeld. Like wallets, men are small minded, neatly compartmentalized and stripped down to essentials. Of course a few of us get lazy about cleaning out the wallet and we get fat. If I could easily find items in my wife's purse, it would mean I finally understand her mind. Clearly this will never happen in this lifetime.
• Red Rock Resort - Since the day it was built south of my former residence in Summerlin, I've been wanting to stay at this hotel. Thanks to 10 wonderful years with my beautiful wife, we had a good excuse to drop the kids with family and visit this hotel. I love modern architecture and contemporary furnishings so this was a perfect retreat for me. The pool was very comfortable and tame by Vegas standards. One of the best hotel experiences I've ever had. The wife reported the spa to be amazing and is plotting a return trip. 5 Stars in my humble traveler's opinion. A perfect anniversary. It took 10 years, but I finally got something right. http://www.redrocklasvegas.com/virtual_tour/

I'll rejoin the expedition later next month in So Cal, away from the breath of Satan that punishes the Las Vegas area. Until then, keep on claiming songs and threaten all who dare to sing them.

P.S. I realize my purse thing is a GROSS COGNITIVE DISTORTION. But I welcome all angry, bitter and salty feminazi comments. I'll read them as I splash on some Brute aftershave.

The Father's Lounge

Before you dismiss my proposal, just hear me out. In the modern era of gender equality and our preaching this doctrine; I think its time Father's Lounges were installed in all chapels. Women think they have a good reason to use them (see below), but I have a host of reasons why men need them too.

• Men sometimes have to feed babies too. This is very intimate bonding time that should be enjoyed without distractions. Plus falling asleep during the feeding in a comfy chair would help work productivity during the week.
• A nice quite room out of the public eye is a much better place to teach rowdy kids about "the laying on of hands" than dragging them out to the car.
• It would make an excellent place for the Bishop to catch a 15 minute power nap in the middle of a long day.
• The FL could also serve as a decompression chamber for the father about to loose his temper.
• We could get some of those awesome $5,000 sharper image massage chairs for worn-out dads that couldn't pay to get a back-rub at home.
• Men would have a place to talk sports, work and vent frustrations about our modern culture treating them as drone ATM machines and IKEA credit cards. Let's face it. This sort of meaningful discussion doesn't happen enough during moves.
• The FL would have awesome La-Z boy recliners with in seat speakers to hear talks as if they were right in their ears. The absorption of messages could increase 10 fold.
• Changing diapers in the FL would save the rest of the guys from having the reek in the regular men's room.
• Informal meetings could get tons accomplished, BBQ's, pizza parties and other ways to blow the $20 EQ budget could be arranged.
• While changing diapers in the FL, men would be free to utter phrases of shock, awe and the unintentional swear word after a massive blow-out. He'd also spare himself the jokes from deacons and disapproving stares from "has-been" dads as they shake their heads.
• The emotional comfort to the guy who lost his tree-house in a fire and now has a new "fort of security" could be a boon of celestial wonder.

Feminist Mormon Housewives agree:

"I reflected in the breastfeeding incident thread that I believe the mothers’ room at church to be the place in LDS chapels where some of the most important work of the kingdom is done...The rite of passage to motherhood including birth and adoption stories are shared and integrated. Baby showers, playdates, and moms’ nights out are arranged. Parenting exasperations and joys are shared, advice requested and given, different approaches discussed, tips about second-hand stores, preschools, etc. passed on. When our new chapel was built, I heard rumors that some of the stake leaders (women included) commented that they didn’t want to make the mother’s lounge TOO comfortable for fear that young mothers would “take advantage of it” and skip their meetings “just to chat” instead of taking care of their business (nursing, diaper changing) expeditiously and returning to their meetings. Heaven forbid mothers should bear each other’s mothering burdens, too! Well, no great harm done. In spite of the physical discomforts and disadvantages (stinky diaper pails included), the mothers’ room remains a haven, a community center, even sacred space." http://www.feministmormonhousewives.org/?p=373

If women consider these place sacred, then men should not be denied equal opportunity to these blessings! By now I'm sure you are convinced. Join me. Let's email a petition with the yes votes from my poll to SLC and request a remodel of all chapels world-wide to accommodate this essential need. I hear that sort of thing works all the time! And by the way, my wife is totally in favor of this. I love you baby! Wooo!!!

My Take on The Half-blood Prince

I'm fresh off viewing the latest Harry Potter flick, The Half-blood Prince. A very well done film and of course when it comes to adaptation, some things were right, others not. (At least from my perspective.) If you haven't read the books or want to keep adaptation surprises fresh, don't read further. If you haven't done so, read the books. Half the planet can't be wrong.

As with all of the Potter films, this one feels incredibly rushed to someone who has read the books. As a result, there are fine details or nuances I've built into scenes and characters that I miss on screen. HBP's trade mark is the teenage infatuation or puppy love moments. Snogging. Books convey thoughts and emotions with much more power and clarity, rather than trying to read an actor's face (Twilight a good example of this - too much of it). Likewise, Harry's anger, sense of loneliness and realizations of who he is are also hard to get out of Radcliffe, although I can't say an actor could do a finer job.

The opening sequences with the Death Eaters went well and I thought Michael Gambon (Dumbledore) turned in a wonderful performance. His work in the cave sequence was excellent. Most of that passage was exactly as I imagined it. Drinking all of the "Bitter Cup" in an act of sacrifice, was very powerful to me. Additionally, the Felix scene (perhaps my favorite in all the books), while impossible to replicate on screen worked well for me.

I can live with most of the modifications in this movie but the ending sequence didn't do justice. In the book, Dumbledore paralyzes Harry before he is killed. Harry has to watch Dumbledore die in a state of total helplessness. Much more effective than watching from below. Later a huge battle errupts in the castle between the DE's and the Order as well as some students. Severe harm is inflicted on many characters. In the film version, a few acts of vandalism occur, but the sudden violation of the Hogwarts safe haven and the devastation left in its wake seemed grossly understated in the film. The raising of the wands to abolish the dark mark seemed a reasonable substitute for the funeral.

Overall, I have mixed feelings. I really did enjoy the film, perhaps I just need time to digest this alternate idea of the story. If anything, this film has made me very happy that the 7th book will be split into two movies so adequate time can be given to the details, as I'm sure most fan will savor them. Until November 2010.

Double the Pleasure

Recently something my native Colorado blood called out to me and I felt compelled to hike some of the 53 peaks in Colorado over 14,000 ft. Heeding the call, I helped organize a non-sanctioned event yesterday to assault Gray's Peak and the neighboring Torreys Peak, some of the easiest hikes on the list. Here is a brief run-down of how it went:

• 7:10 AM - Arrived last at the trail head. Shawn, Mark and Paul greet me with smiles and tell me we'll have to double-time it to catch up with the others.
• 5 minutes later I am winded and wondering what I've gotten myself into.
• 15 minutes later I meet up with the rest of the pack consisting of Kevin, Bryce, Jake (the Juggernaut) and Jared. (FYI - I don't do full names on my blog).
• Shortly after hiking with the entire group, I realize I'm the weakest link and will be happy to reach the summit with them.
• I gravitate to the back of the pack and take in some of the gorgeous scenery. Lord of the Rings music echoes in my mental ipod.
• 10:30 AM - We reach the summit of Gray's Peak (14,270 ft.) to follow the journey, click on this link: http://www.14ers.com/php14ers/qpick.php?parmpeak=9 and go to routes. The views are remarkable. Regrettably, I did not stand on the rocks, fling my arms into the air and scream: "DRAAAAAGOOOOOOO!!!"
• Succumbing to peer pressure (or provoking it), I decide to go down about 1,000 ft and tackle the neighboring Torreys Peak (14,267 ft.). This ascent is more direct and taxing since the body is ready to keep going down.
• Around 11:30 AM we achieve the summit of Torreys and relax a bit. I chatted with a gentleman who has done all but six of the 53 14er's. He tells me these were his first two peaks when he started years ago and he was out of shape just like me.
• Descending to the saddle of the two peaks, we find a slushy snow field to get back to the main trail. One bad slip and its onto the human cheese grater of rocks below. (Of course, I'm crazy enough to get a photo in the middle of this.)
• Blessed with shock absorbers for knees, I bound down the trail and arrive back at the trail head around 1:40 PM.

This hike is very crowded but I didn't find that to be annoying. If anything, I enjoyed the universal feel of camaraderie among people working at a similar goal. I was stunned at the number of dogs on the trail. Ultra Sweat-proof SPF 70 still earns you a sunburn at 14,000 ft. The following link gives some more details about 14er's in Colorado: http://climbing.about.com/od/mountainclimbing/a/Fourteeners1.htm

Going up I was wondering what I'd done to myself and coming down I was thinking about which one to take on next. Perhaps the lack of oxygen and heavy breathing made me temporarily insane. But here I am the day after wanting to do more. If you would like to get involved in the next mission, shoot me an email. Until next time, happy trails to you, until we meet again.

Drenched Freedom

Greetings from Denver, Washington! I suppose I can blame my friend Tom for bringing the rain from Seattle with him when he moved back to town. I wouldn't be surprised to find Dr. Cullen and his impossibly good looking children move in across the street given all the rain and cloud cover. Of course I won't complain since I live in a house with no A/C and no house fan. Here are some thoughts from the 4th of July weekend on events and some flicks.

• UP - Took in the latest Pixar offering over the weekend. I thoroughly enjoyed it. An older man looses his childhood sweetheart after a happy life, but they were unable to have children. After his wife dies, he vows to live the adventure they never took and he winds up in South America via a ton of colorful helium filled balloons. One thing I was not prepared for: tears. Yes. I shed a few in this movie. In fact, when Julie looked over said, "are you crying?" I started to laugh at myself. Several sequences are non-verbal, allowing the music and facial expressions to carry the scene. Yes, its just a cartoon, but the message and the emotions were superb. Perhaps earlier in my life it would have been less stirring, but as I approach the 10 year anniversary, I can only imagine what the loss feels like after 40 or 50 years. I'm making it sound so serious. Like most Pixar works, there is a fun, whimsical feel to the movie that my kids loved. Especially the short at the beginning and the talking dogs. Overall, I'd say this is in my top 3 of Pixar "classics."
• Fore! - On the 3rd I went golfing for the first time in my life with my own set of clubs (which shall remain nameless). Despite the empowerment from my own clubs, my game still stunk. At least I had the "UT" clubs to help me along. I initially thought of them as the Utah clubs, giving me the power of both Zion and Mecca in one swing. But then Adam informed me that UT, just means utility club. I was sorely disappointed. Best part of the nine holes? I found a gold painted ball. My short game still stunk using it, but failure never looked so cool.
• Poor Man's Horseshoe's - On the 4th, we went to a friends house with a large backyard for a BBQ. Thanks to a simply amazing canopy, the rain did not deter the event. As the rain cleared, we began to play a game similar to horseshoes, but with bean bags, thrown onto boards with a hole cut out. If the bag lands on the board its 1 point, in the hole, 3 points. I'll spare all of the rules, etc. but can say it was a highly addictive game. I nearly screamed in anguish after blowing a 9-2 lead (the game is played to 11 points).
• World Trade Center - I watched this on the 4th to remember sacrifices made on 9/11. The movie would be more appropriately titled, "Buried under the World Trade Center." This was a difficult movie to watch. Not because it was poorly made, but it is based on a true story of 2 Port Authority cops that get buried in the rubble of the first tower. A living nightmare. Much of the movie is them talking and flash-backs of their families trying to get information about them. There are no high-tech special effects shots of the planes slamming into the buildings or fast-paced action sequences in stairwells etc. At first, I was a bit disappointed, but realized the filmmakers stuck to the story and avoided sensationalizing the violence. Many have said that anti-war movies like Platoon and Full Metal Jacket glorify the violence and instead of horrifying us, it becomes "war porn" to young men who think the action is exciting if not comical. So in that sense, this movie shows the sufferings and the horrors of the day, without glorifying the violence. And when help does come it is truly a wonderful thing to watch.
• Patriots - Lastly, the WTC movie made me realize something those cops have in common with our early patriots and all who have fought for our freedom. They put their lives on the line so others might live. Not for honor or glory, but because it was the right thing to do. In doing so, these men truly exemplified the love and courage of Christ. "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." So at the conclusion of a wonderful holiday, where I enjoyed so many blessings, I'd like to express my gratitude for those who have served and those currently working to protect our rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. May God bless them and their families for their sacrifices and may we never forget what has been done for us.

I can hardly believe 2009 is halfway spent and you just lost a good chunk of it if you read this far. So eat your orange wedges, listen to the coach yell and may each of you find success in the second half!

Mo-Tabs Rock Red Rocks

As a proud Denver native I feel deep shame to admit I've never been to Red Rocks until this evening. It is a simply stunning venue with majestic views of the foothills and Denver. Not to mention the unique acoustics provided by the massive rock formations. Throw in a world class choir, perfect weather, thunderstorms in the distance and a transcendent musical experience is born.

Many of you may be thinking an evening with Mack and the Mo-Tabs would be a dull round of hymns with gaudy organ work. A fight to stay awake and maintain dignity. Far from it. I've been to Mo-Tab Concerts before, but never like this performance.

The choir performed everything from classical masterpieces to old-time spirituals to Island music. Much of it was upbeat and rousing, but well complimented by more somber spiritual pieces. The choir had a soloist offer an animated and very soulful rendition of "I want Jesus to Walk With Me" that brought the house down. I've never heard people hoot, holler and cheer like that before during a Mo-Tab song. I can't believe I'm going to say this, but it was electrifying. I could even see silent bursts of lightning in the distance as he sang. This was shortly followed by an organ solo that was done almost entirely by foot at a fast pace, which also brought the crowd to roars of applause. I was stunned and overjoyed at the scene.

Surreal as venue, the music and the moment, at the beginning of the concert it was announced that the Prophet, Thomas Monson had decided to attend. Nearly 30 feet away he rose to a standing ovation. It was a pleasure to stand and cheer for God's prophet in public and to see so many others do likewise. The Spirit flooded the amphitheater at that time and set a remarkable tone. Jim Gassman, the friend I owe many thanks to for inviting me made an insightful comment that it must be a treat for the Prophet to actually watch the choir rather than just hear them over his shoulder in conference.

Seriously, this could be one of the greatest musical events I've ever witnessed. I'm not sure I ever want to see anything else at Red Rock to spoil the memories I now have. I'd tell you to go see them the next time they are in your area, but I'm not sure that performance can be topped. To make things even sweeter, we somehow zipped out before traffic and made it home in record time. All in all, a genuinely transcendent evening.

Who's Bad?

The King is dead. I'm no major Michael Jackson fan, but I've always enjoyed his classics: Thriller, Billie Jean, Beat it, Bad, The Girl is Mine (feat. Paul McCartney) the list goes on. I don't really care about how he died, but now that he has gone on to that big never-never land ranch in the sky, I'd like to share a few quotes from my elders about the self-proclaimed King of Pop:

Grandma Fletcher [in a moment of disgust]: "Ooooohhhh that Micheal Jackson!"

Mom [went something like this]: "Isaiah says that in the last days men shall call bad good and good bad. This Michael Jackson is doing that! This is the end of the word."

(It basically went like that... I won't even begin to tell you about the time she pulled out the lyrics on my Dr. Feelgood Motley Crue album. Needless to say, no mother should ever read aloud their lyrics)

Jackson gave us some great moments. I'd say he was one of the most influential music video artists ever, with Thriller and that SICK dance. Best. Dance. Ever.

If I could have one day of coordination, I'd do the thriller dance and the Moon-walk for at least 2 hours. I'd also throw in a high-pitched, Wooooo! The rest would be spent break-dancing and playing basketball like a real person.

Will I miss the guy? Absolutely not. The man was done 15 years ago, along with his face. I almost find his death to be an act of mercy to himself, his surgeon, tabloid reporters, those veiled kids and Macaulay Culkin. R.I.P. Michael, may you be able to wear your sparkly glove into heaven.

Its Miller Time!!

For those of you who lived in Denver in the spring/summer of 1991, you will undoubtedly remember the invasion of the Miller Months. Its happening again, but not to the extent of what took place in 1991. When it comes to insects, I'm usually a kill first and ask questions later guy. But this time around, I find the phenomenon interesting.

The moths are following an annual migration pattern from the Great Plains to the cooler Rockies during hot summer months. Since Denver became Seattle in recent months with a ton of rain and cooler weather, our dusty friends have decided to stay and get Miller Time started early.

My kids detest, despise and loathe the months with a murderous passion. Feeding on their fear and anger like a crazed Sith Lord, I assaulted and killed nearly 40 months in a single evening until 2AM to get some peace back in the galaxy. Finally the Supreme Commander made me stop since I kept waking her up with my incessant death-strokes. The carnage in bathroom sink was nothing short of desolation on an Ammonihah scale. I'm sure the scent was very troubling to them.

Am I proud of my blood-bath? Not really, but I can't remember the last time I went on such a killing spree since I was 11 with a magnifying glass.

Intermission

A friend of mine recently reviewed the flick, Austrailia and the issue of the length of the movies came up. Movies are getting longer, yet there are no scheduled potty breaks or chances to stretch our legs, even savor the moment of being out at the movies.

Return of the King may historically be remembered not for winning best picture, but for setting the standard as the ultimate test of bladder strength at 3 hours 20 minutes. So how come we've done away with intermission? The SFGate has some ideas:

"The last intermission in a mainstream movie bisected "Gandhi" in 1982. The breaks were discontinued so more screenings could be packed into the day. Also, multiplexes were emerging in the early 1980s. Intermissions make it hard to keep track of multiplex patrons -- who could take advantage of the extra traffic to sneak into several movies without paying.

For a long time the disappearance of intermissions wasn't much of a problem. But in the past half-decade, the amount of 180 minutes-plus movies seems to be increasing to a level not seen since the early 1970s.

The biggest blow for the peanut-bladdered masses came in 1997, when "Titanic" was released. Even at a bloated 194 minutes, the movie still became the top-grossing film of all time, taking in close to $2 billion worldwide -- and dispelling the notion that long films are money risks."

So once again, we have the great Satan, CORPORATE AMERICA to blame for no intermission and strained bladders. Needless to say, I doubt an evening at the movies with a refreshing intermission will ever return, though it should.

Here are two intermission treats for you (watch them sequentially for the right effect):

BACON

My younger brother "Cougar Abogado" used to have a very refined sense of taste and would only order menu items if they included Bacon. Some people would call that picky. I call it taking a stand for what you believe in. Thanks to his unyielding will for sizzling pork, he earned the moniker "LORD BACON" and we've loved him for it ever since. The following stand-up routine is a tribute to you L.B., may all your Fillet Minions be wrapped in Bacon.

Michael Scott: I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon. Sue me. And since I don't have a butler I have to do it myself... so, most nights before I go to bed I will lay out 6 strips of bacon out on my foreman grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again, then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious, it's good for me, it's a perfect way to start the day. Today I got up, I stepped on to the grill and it clamped on to my foot. That's it. I don't see what's so hard to believe about that.

Here is the bacon alarm clock in all its glory:

Tired

I've been working like crazy over the last two weeks and it will continue next week. Heck, I should be working now, but I need a little blogging R&R. Naturally, the main symptom of working too much is getting very tired. But its not just work that is doing it to me. Here are a few other things that have made me tired in the last two weeks.

1. The Gorilla Diet - Thanks to Oprah and the Wizard of Oz, the Supreme Commander and I decided to try eating 11 lbs of vegetables and fruits every day for 10 days. I lasted about 3. Don't get me wrong, I love produce and am often criticized for wolfing down fistfuls of parsley, kale, peppers, cauliflower and broccoli. But living without complex carbs is a sin. God said, "Wheat is for man." Perhaps not the bleached, enriched stuff, but boy was he not kidding. I'm now convinced Dr. Atkins must have worshiped the devil in his free time when he wasn't pounding five hamburger patties for breakfast. Carbs really are our best energy source (IMHO) and to live without them is to be very tired.

Another problem with the Gorilla Diet is that its too easy to break. I went to a festive summer party and was tempted by the aroma of 25 bratwursts simmering on the grill. I thought to myself, "a gorilla would eat this if he could" and so I did. Yep, it all went downhill from there. But I don't feel completely exhausted anymore and I still love me some produce.

2. Kobe Bryant - I respect the game and his drive to win. But what am I really tired of? All the acting. For starters, STOP YOUR WHINING!!! I've never seen a guy try to draw so much contact and yet complain EVERY SINGLE time a foul is not called. It is absolutely ridiculous and he appears to believe he can influence the refs, because he can. This has nothing to do with my Nugz, just ask anyone who is not a Laker fan. Next, he makes this "Tiger Snarl" face all of the time. Jordan's tongue was cool; this is not. It makes him look like a whiny little brat, which by all his acting, he most certainly is. Pouring more salt into my wound are his speeches and interviews during and after games. All this talk about toughness and pulling his team along from the ultimate whiner make me want to puke. Its like he's got some PR guy in a closet writing bad ESPN classic interview dialogue for him. I'm a bit jaded, but nearly everything he says feels like a cheese grater on my face. Finally, I'm tired of the hype. At least Le Bron didn't make it to the finals so all of those idiotic puppet commercials could die.

3. Movies - I used to be able to stay awake for anything. I almost hated that I couldn't fall asleep. Thanks to the Gorilla Diet and becoming a workaholic, I can't finish anything. Example: I rented Star Trek II The Wrath of Khan, supposedly the best Star Trek of age and nodded off. At least I made it to the part where Kirk screams KHAAAANNNNNN! into his walkie. I dare say its the greatest Kirk moment in cinema and you must watch this: http://animated.ytmnd.com/. I even watched the scream in slow motion and laughed the whole way through. The other flick that put me out? The Way We Were. I know, I know. What was I thinking? A movie with Barbara Streisand where she's a pinko communist? I made it about 15 minutes into that flick and gratefully passed out. I'll just have to sing the song in a super-sillious manner in the future. And yes, I think I just made up the word Sillious.

4. Silver Lining - To savor my tired state, I've listened to the Soggy Bottom Boys song "I Am a Man of Constant Sorrow" and "Are the Good Times Really Gone Forever?" over and over. Ya'll, country music really does soothe a tired, worn out soul.

You are probably now tired of me so I'm now tired of you and I'm going to quit. Have a nice life and stay tired my friends.

End of the Road

That about sums it up. The Nuggets are done. Best season ever, and it ended with a reminder... Hey, these are the Denver Nuggets [SMACK]. Despite the horrid exit, I couldn't be happier, we have an off season to get better (get rid of K-mart) and get ready to smack others around next year, like the THUGetts we are (minus K-mart). WOOOOO! I say we need to get rid of... K-mart, let AC go and of course resign the Bird man, just so we can see new tats and hair-do's.

Honestly, I'm still so ticked I don't want to think about the game. The Nuggets did a self-fulfilling prophecy with the officiating. They played like they would be whistled and it showed. They let Confucius and Kobe's Oscar worthy whining get to them. Here they are mocking us at the end.

After watching the game, in disgust I changed the channel to Discovery and said "I want to watch something die." What showed up? Salmon trying to get past big bad Grizzly Bears. PERFECT! The following picture from the folks at Despair sums it up even better.

Sad to see it end, but very hopeful for next year. GO NUGGETS!!

Milestone - 100 Posts!!!

Why am I excited about this? Its proof I've actually stuck to something for several years on a semi-consistent basis. Now only if I could apply such intestinal fortitude to other areas of my life... oh well one step at a time.

The 100th episode mark is frequently cited in entertainment industry and popular media as a key number for enabling a modern series to enter syndication. MWHAHAHAH! If only it were true for lowly bloggers. Let's face it. I'm only followed by a few family members so they can spare me feelings of rejection. Geez, talk about throwing a bucket of cold chum on my own party. Anyways, happy 100! and may I make it to 1,000,000,000 posts with the help of mechanical organs that will allow me to defeat the aging process and the seeds of death.