Fixing Overtime

During a long road-trip this week I had an epiphany while listening to endless coverage of the upcoming Superbowl. The topic was NFL overtime, some love it, others hate it. I'm make it clear right now that I'm a hater.

Why should any athletic contest be decided by a coin toss? Of course the defense has a chance to stop the offense, but let's face it, the game is geared for offense, most of the penalties favor offense and teams don't even need to score a touchdown. All it takes is a few first downs, a kick, and its over.

Boo.

For instance. Earlier this year the Chargers may have beaten the Colts regardless of the overtime format, but the refs handed them three very questionable calls that kept their drive alive until they scored. No chance for the venerable Peyton Manning to create some drama and answer back. That would be too interesting. Just cut to commercial, pay your taxes and shut your mouth. NFL overtime stinks.

I have not come to just whine today, I have a solution. Let's put the "foot" back in football. Let's get the equal opportunity of college football back into overtime. Give me a shoot-out. I say we can have it all. Here is my ideal overtime format:

• First overtime, college format but from the 40, not the 25.
• Second overtime, if the first ends in a tie, we move on to the shoot-out. Each kicker gets a try with an opposing blocking unit from the 45. If they tie, keep moving it back 5 yards to a 55 yard field goal.
• If both teams survive that, we repeat the process. Until a winner is PROVEN.

This allows the NFL to remain unique from the college game, and will create tremendous drama for America's #1 sport, making it even better than before. Think of the pressure upon scoring a touchdown and deciding whether or not to go for 2 in an NFL game. The nerve-racking anxiety of multiple field goals, Can you feel it? - Just do it!! I'm lovin it!!

If you disagree, I hope you enjoy your Vegas CRAP-shoot games where the refs significantly control the outcome. For all those with the competitive flame burning bright in their souls, who dream of a better tomorrow and the dawning of a new era... join me. Change is what we need, not overtime as usual. We can change the system. We will change the system and the future has never looked brighter. YES WE CAN!!

Hot Razzies

Today I have to rip on a movie I just watched under the guise of scoring "wife points." Then, I discuss a recent and potentially dangerous obsession. First up, the Grecco-britan musical, Mama Mia.

During my stint in Las Vegas, Mama Mia looked like one of the few things on the Strip I could go for. But I couldn't seem to stomach the idea of paying $200 to watch a play. So I took the $1 option at Red Box. Now we're saving money!! Unfortunately, that was the best part of it. Basically this movie seemed miscast and horribly sung (for the most part). I know several musically discerning people that may read this, and if you loved it, I have no more respect for you. The problem boils down to Meryl Streep and Pierce Brosnan. Both are wonderful actors that I've enjoyed over the years, but neither of them should be leads in a musical. It was awkward and painful every time 007 opened his mouth to sing.

Here is the worst part. This movie brought to mind "Waiting for Guffman," (a Christopher Guest flick - Best in Show, This is Spinal Tap) one of the greatest mockumentaries of all time. For those of you unfamiliar with Guffman, its about a play put on by some local-yokals in a small town in Missouri, led by a flaming, yet in-the-closet director. The cast thinks they are awesome and have a shot at going to Broadway. Of course they are terrible. Here is a sample.

To put it bluntly, these guys do a better job trying to be awful than the Streep and 007. How sad. I'm sure the play is better, the ABBA songs are great, I nearly wanted to dance, but then remembered I'm white, uncoordinated and don't know the lyrics. So I sat down.

Onto my newest obsession. Hot Sauce. Years ago in Boston I decided I needed to develop some intestinal fortitude against spicy food. (You could say I was inspired by how the Dread Pirate Roberts developed immunity to Iocane powder). So I began to gradually put more and more Tabasco sauce on my nightly dish of a raccoon meat meat, fake cheese wrap. At last, I could bear the sauce, peppers were still punishing, but I could hang in there.

I gained some sanity over the years until "The Sacramento Treat" recently introduced me to Habanero sauce. This combined with my recent eating of the jalapeno bratwurst sparked my interests to push my pain threshold higher. So I got a bottle of Habanero sauce and went to work. Now my usual Tapatio is just flavor. I find myself soaking all kinds of random foods in my Habanero sauce as my wife says: WHY??? I think I might be going insane, loosing my sense of taste or I've found another way to get an Endorphin high. Read the following blog from "The original Juan" (the pun is intended) to learn more about the science of spice.

http://www.originaljuan.com/heat_gauge/

The Wii in Review

Yes, I am breaking new ground once again, by discussing a new topic. Video Games. How many hours have I wasted/loved playing them? I'd guess 1 full year of my life. On to the game reviews. I'll rank the games I've played from from least to most beloved.

10. Wii Tamagochi. A kiddie popularity contest. We got it for free. I think they make people play this game in Hell.

9. Wii Princess. Disney Princess Stuff. No one gets hurt. Bought this for the kids. Enough said.

8. Winter Sports. The game control is detestable. I played it once and vowed to never touch it again. $10 spent, that could have gone to a trip to Casa Bonita.

7. Wii Play. This is a standard for most Wiiers as it comes with a controller. Most of the games are fun, but not great. Good to play with the kids. The one exception is the Tank Battles game. That makes the whole purchase worthwhile.

6. Super Smash Bros. This the equivalent of Wrestlemania with every popular and unknown Nintendo character ever. It's a good time, but a bit limited in moves. There is a story to play through, but this game just doesn't quite hold my interest. Great for group gatherings.

5. Wii Sports. This is great fun. However, the graphics stink and it feels like a promo for game developers. The Bowling, Tennis and Baseball offer hours of enjoyment and never seem to get old. The training modules are also fun to do. However, this is not much of a work-out and once you figure out things can be done with the flick of a wrist, the "athletic" side of playing video games goes out the window.

4. Metroid Prime 3 - Corruption. Still haven't finished this game, probably the best Metroid game I've played in terms of graphics, etc. Still is not the classic NES or SNES versions, but a worthy sequel. This game finally got me used to rotating my upper torso and walking in a different direction (this was the reason I could never play Halo). Thanks Samus! If you enjoy first person shooter games, this is probably one of the best available on the Wii.

3. Super Mario Galaxy. Wow. This game blows my mind. The 3D nature of the game is fantastic. Its simply very entertaining to play. Be forewarned, you'll get a kink in your neck from always trying to get a better look at the screen. Some people may hate this, but I love the challenge. Nothing new in the way of story or plot, but this is just pure gaming fun that anyone can enjoy. I highly reccomend it.

2. Mario Kart Wii. Tons of levels, fun music, best interactive family game ever. Wii love it!! (Ok go throw up now). Don't bother getting the Wii Wheels to play this unless your kids beg. Totally unnecessary. My advice, unlock all of the levels playing 50cc (easiest settings) so you have more courses to choose from. If you ever feel good about yourself, go online and play other people and return to the dust of humility. This is incredible bang for the buck and we'll be playing for years to come.

1. Legend of Zelda - Twilight Princess. This is the game of my childhood - why I've lost a year of my life to VG. Obviously I'm partial to Zelda, which is probably why this is my #1, but what the heck? Its why I wanted the system in the first place. The graphics are not stellar, but better than any Zelda game yet. With Wii controlls, its now possible to swing your sword among a host of other cool, but inate functions of the game. The Temples are big and fun to discover. Great music, game control, puzzles and I really felt like I got immersed in the world of Hyrule like I never had before. I wish the first several games could be redone in this fashion. My only complaint is the enemies are too easy to defeat and many don't come back after you kill them. (Why reality on that???). One more complaint. I want more. How about a second quest?

New Year Thoughts

I've had a few things bouncing around in my brain that I'll put down for therapy today.

• New Year's is the time of setting goals and if you don't look at past performance it is hard to gauge realistic goals for the future. As I review the past I often find myself thinking "I wish I had done that better, known better, etc." Sometimes I hear the sentiment, "I have no regrets" and wonder how these people ever got to such a place and lived such a perfect life. Personally, I do have regrets, about many things and that's because I've made plenty of mistakes. Is that such a crime? It certainly fits into the negative attitude I often harbor. Despite all of that, I find some light at the end of the tunnel when I realize I don't regret anything I've learned from my mistakes. Yes, many lessons have been painful, but they have each given me a little more depth, understanding, patience and empathy. Of course it is better to not make mistakes at all, but to not learn from them would truly be a regretful thing. So my goal this year is to learn from the past, improve and have a life with no regrets.I'll spare the details in the interests of privacy and boredom.

• Shannahan gets Sacked - This was truly a shocker. Am I sad? Yes. The "Mastermind" was the best coach in franchise history and gave us the golden era of Broncos football. I can still see Terrell Davis gaining 10 yards per run in devastating fashion. But those days are over and Shannahan is an average GM at best. He refused to give up that power and lost control of his team. It is time for a change. Perhaps fans are upset because they are scared of a 3 win season. Rightfully so, but it was clear we were not going to win another championship with him as GM/head coach. If you are not playing to win, why play at all? It was a very gutty move by Bowlen. I respect it, but only time will tell if he was a genius or an idiot.

• Movie reccomendations - Ghost Town, 2 thumbs up in the sky. The Dutchess, 2 thumbs down in the manure. Its that simple on these two films.

• I stumbled across a video from Rick Astley recently. I've heard this song before and figured it was a black singer due to the deep quality of the voice. Needless to say, I was shocked to see this dude singing (youtube won't let me embed) but its the pop-up version so it will have some fun facts. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3HrSN7176XI&feature=related. Classic 80s cringe material. This guy has a look that screams, "Punch me in the face and steal my lunch money." According to Rick's wikipedia site, I'm not the only one who thought he was a Milli Vanilli act. "During much of his career, due to his deep bass-baritone voice, many listeners assumed he was black. In one instance, the comedic entertainer Sinbad discussed him with a talk-show host, expressing his surprise that Astley was not "one of the brothers."

Alright, I've got 2009 off to a nice random start.

Marley & "PG"

I took my family to see Marley & Me for a celebration yesterday. I should say from the outset, I enjoy dogs, but they are not for me. Constant barking, huge piles of feces, potential biting all traded for some affection and the "I have a guard dog" thing. That's just my view, I know many would disagree.

So the movie? Very enjoyable. Great humour from broke-nose Wilson and Aniston gets back some of her comedic charm from her Friends days. Marley is down-right hilarious in many moments that are very memorable and make the movie. Some of the best stuff is from Alan Arkin (Wilson's Editor). I won't give it away. Even as a non-dog person, I found much of the movie to be be funny, endearing and realistic. Gives a good taste of how tough day-to-day life can be for working parents.

But this movie has a major shortcoming that prevents it from being a "family" classic. Its not exactly kid friendly. Not so much because they put the dog to sleep at the end of the movie (we warned the kids before going), but for adult content. Yes, adult content in a PG flick. So I'm sharing some "Parental Guidance" with you. Think twice before showing to kids. Would you believe this film contains skinny dipping? And its no quick fade to black sort of thing either. Not to mention multiple scenes of Aniston and Wilson on top of each other ready to "make babies." Its not overly scandalous; if it were just me and the wife, it wouldn't be the end of the world, but with my kids, yes. Anytime I feel compelled to cover my kids eyes, I'm ticked. Plus, it ruins the ability of this film to be a cheap baby-sitter for the kids on DVD!

Overall, this is a great movie; just not for the kids, which is disappointing. You'll laugh and cry. Guys, my advice is just let the tears flow if you are with women. Huge points. Shoot, I'd cry more if I could, but I'm too cold hearted most of the time, but this dog found a way through to me.

We Don't Deserve to Win

My Beloved Broncos are playing for their playoff lives this Sunday. They have overcome tremendous adversity to even be thinking about the playoffs, but when you are in the worst division in football, anything is possible.

In order to pull this off, we'll have to beat San Diego (my ESFIL's team) at their house. Our recent history against the Chargers is not good. Since 2006, we are 1-4, with a combined point total of 185-92. That's some serious beat-down losses. Phillip Rivers is a hot-head and a poor sport, but I'm sure he felt the swagger when he tauted Cutler after an embarrassing loss on Christmas Eve in 2007. The only win we have against these guys in that stretch was handed to us by the Ed "The Body" Hoculi, the ref who blew a call. Granted, we came back, made plays and they didn't to win the game, but it could easily be said we are 0-5 against the current Chargers squad. Since we stole the last game, I'd say Karma demands the Bolts win this next game. Sad but true.

But here's an even better reason. Our team is being sabotaged by our trainers. Clearly they have a personal vendetta against Pat Bowlen. Think I'm crazy? How else do you explain Selvin Young, Andre Hall, Michael Pittman, P.J. Pope, Ryan Torian, Peyton Hillis and Anthony Aldridge all going in the IR in one season? We have turned to Tatum Bell, an ex-Bronco who was recently selling cell phones at a kisok in a mall to run the ball for us. Is this a movie? And lets not forget Champ Bailey our best cornerback, and our first string linebacking core of D.J. Williams, Nate Webster and Boss Baily have all gone down at some point this season. We got so desperate that we turned to a rookie Spencer Larsen, to start BOTH WAYS, a first in Broncos history. (Incidentally, Larsen goes to church with a colleague of mine).

So what gives? Did Bowlen cut their salaries? Father an illegitimate child and offer no support? Deny the trainers full access to Shannahan's tanning bed? I don't know, but his is mutiny. During the season we are at sea and mutiny calls for death. Yes, I'm calling for the public execution of the 2008 Broncos training staff. We'll do it by firing squad in front of the capital on the 5,280 Ft above sea level step. Even if we do that, I hold out no hope for our team. We'll roll over so another pathetic 8-8 team can go to the playoffs and at least have a healthy chance of winning.

Christmas Thoughts

On this joyous day I have a few quick things to share.

1. I created some high-fructose masterpieces earlier in the month to offer as a sacrifice to the immortal being known as Santa. Although I was quite pleased with my offerings, as was Cain; I could not wait for the appointed time of death and ate my supplications before the appointed hour. Perhaps things would have gone better for Cain if he had done the same. My handiwork is below:

In the spirit of the holidays, I created a ginger-bread-esque man in homage to Quato, the mutant that hides in a man's stomach on Total Recall. I could almost hear him murmuring "OPEN YOUR MIND TO ME." Next, I created what appears to be an Angel of Death, but that's just the Ghost of Christmas Future. No big difference. Finally, I made an unconventional JOY cookie to show that even bad colors can be festive at Christmas time.

2. My 24 Hr. Fitness is closed on Dec. 24th (after 4PM) and on the 25th. Rather infuriating. Are there no heathens in this place to watch overweight people run like gerbils on treadmills during Christmas???

3. While waiting to get a video chat from my mother today, I looked up one of my favorite topics, DEATH RAYS. I found this highly reliable article on the Internet and thoroughly enjoyed it. As a fan of the Prestige and all the Tesla stuff therein, I now give it to you:
http://www.bibliotecapleyades.net/tesla/esp_tesla_2b.htm

Alright. This could be the worst Christmas Post ever. I'll do something serious later. Happy Holidays!

70s Night at the Pepsi Center

A friend of mine recently hooked me up with some tickets to go see the Nuggets tangle with LeBron James at the Pepsi Center or more affectionately known by locals as "The Can." (see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pepsi_Center for hard, undeniable facts that I don't care to re-hash). Can is hardly an appropriate description for this lavish modern-day gladiatorial area. Unfortunately for me, the Nuggets had all the fire of a bunch of pixies in pink tutus. Most of the game they were down by nearly 20 as King James showed his prowess while lame 70s themed promotions occured. Groovy Baby Yeah!! Here a few quick thoughts:

1. LeBron is a FREAK OF NATURE. For some reason seeing him person and at eye-level gave me an appreciation of how tall the guy is compared to everyone else and how the dude is built like a tank. It reminded me of how Karl Malone made the other guys on the court look like girls. Melo looked like some punk kid next to him.

2. The Nugz have the best PA announcer in the world! Kyle Speller has 1.21 Gigowatts in his voice, but due to extreme apathy from our team, he could not ignite the crowd despite his best attempts. I secretly wish I had the pipes to do something like that for a living. I'd live in a stone castle with the "Bulls Warm Up" theme (on the left if you care to listen) playing over and over and me introducing my favorite athletes of all time and doing NFL Films lines "Larry Czonka played full-back like a horse ploughs a field... with a high pain threshold and great determination."

3. The Dancers. Dude. If you went to a game and had seats placed in front of these girls, you'd get cold-clocked by your girlfriend/wife. Its about 1 or 2 steps away from the ol Spearmint Rhino.

4. Games go by quickly when you are poaching a good seat. I snuck down to the first level after the first quarter and nearly wept like a child with fear. Everytime someone would pass by, I'd notice out of the corner of my eye and start forming plans to explain myself. One might say I have authority and punishment issues, but it sure made a horrific game go fast.

5. The parking was awesome. And that's all I'm gonna say, because I don't want anyone else using it.

6. Handle the hot stuff. Thanks to my sneaky seat maneuver, I had to hold the fort and was unable to score any grub at half-time. However, a jalapeno bratwurst was presented to me before the start of the third quarter. It looked like hell on a German Sausage. There must have been 10-15 small peppers on there. I dared to nibble a few and found that the bun actually helped significantly with the heat. Perhaps I'll start taking some Costco rolls with me when I dine Mexican in the future.

Feats of Strength

Wow. Strongman competitions have come a LONG way since the days of Tony Atlas and Ken Patera. Horrible trash talking, classic sports announcers (one who does nothing), bad socks, side burns and a ridiculous event. I now have a new contest for the next bachelor party I attend. Needless to say, the 70s may be the most awkward decade of the last century. Hope you enjoy it!!

Stolen Memories

This is part of an email from the past where I described my car being stolen from our driveway. I'm posting it here for those who may have never heard the story.

Prolouge - It all started one fine morning as I marched out the door to hop into my Honda Civic and battle my way to work. The only problem was that my car was not in the driveway. I marched back into the house thinking Julie was playing a practical joke on me. Her family loves stuff like that. Of course she denied it and we laughed. I accused her again, another denial and we laughed. Finally, I said "Seriously. I have to get to work. Where is the car?" No laughing. We searched the street and it was gone. I called the cops and they had the gaul to tell me they would likely find it within a week. Riiiight. But to my shock and astonishment, we got a call about a week or so later from the police department saying they had found my car. Here is my reaction:

Justice has been served. [THUD] Around 11:00 AM the cops called Julie to tell them they found our car and had 2 suspects in custody. The thieves had stolen 3 civics and left them in a parking lot (covered at least) in an older apartment complex. I went to claim the vehicle and assess the damages. My plates and registration were gone, AND THEY EVEN TOOK THE FLIPPIN NUGGETS LICENSE PLATE COVER!! WHO ARE THESE SICK PEOPLE??? All of my CDs were there, (what? they didn't want Jesus the Christ and 2 sessions of General Conference? What about my lame techno music? They didn't even want that. -- that may be the most insulting thing in this whole fiasco). Overall, the "perps" got to joy ride in my car, kill my ignition, steal my front right signal and go to jail (hopefully). But look at what I got when the car was reclaimed!

1. Set of hardwood nunchucks

2. Empty container of strawberry milk

3. Green crowbar

4. The coat hanger used to break into my car

5. One black glove

6. Cigarette buttock (and they gave me a new lighter - oh joy)

7. Tan jacket

8. A black bra

9. A pirated CD entitled: "Good Sh** -- Kyle's Mix" (full of Ozzy, AC/DC, Metallica -- you were right Mom. Naughty people do listen to that music) and finally...

10. I can now start the car with a screwdriver!!! (how cool is that?)

The healing process can now begin. It wasn't my fault. And like the chick says on "Red Eye" -- never again. [as I slam a pencil in the throat of the perps].

Pandora's Box of Metal

I must share the greatest butt-rock discovery of the 00's. Any poseurs who can't embrace the power of 80s metal should go get a can of Aqua-Net and spray their hair until they get the feeling. Or you could just go to:

http://www.pandora.com/

You'll need to give totally bogus information to get an account, then create a station... To achieve candy-rock Nirvana, just type in "Winger." This is in honor of the first CD I ever bought. Don't even think of mocking me. Once you have created this station you will ascend the hights of the thunderous mount of heavy-metal power and know what it is to truly rock.

In honor of this discovery, I have added a Winger song to my playlist on the left for your enjoyment. I take no responsibility if you find yourself wanting to play an expoloding guitar with a drill, light money on fire and wear a full-body leather leopard suite. Long Live Metal.

Dictator Day

Today as we remember Fidel Castro becoming "President" of Cuba and Napolon being crowned Emporer of France, I'd like to share my thoughts on a few flicks I've seen recently.

QUANTUM OF SOLACE - You know the plot: Bond, tuxedos, chases by foot, chases by car, explosions, martial arts, 2 women: 1 to save, 1 to use, bad guys with secret plot against the world, my little pony and gadgets. Needless to say I enjoyed the movie, however it is a cold and depressed film. This is the middle of a trilogy, which is usually the most sullen act. Bond is angry, and out for vengeance. License to Kill? Considerably. Bond's biggest problem is he can't seem to keep anyone alive long enough to torture information from them (how sad). The action starts with a bang and none of it is disappointing. I heartily enjoyed all of it and several of the tough guy lines. Bond also does nearly every action sequence in a suit (sans tie - very chique), which almost seems like a commercial from Armani and JC Penny tellinig middle aged desk jockeys across the coutry: "You can do anything in a suit."

On to some negatives. Many have said the action and style of this movie is a rip off of the Bourne Saga (Matt Damon). True, but only because that stuff is so good. So why not? Another problem is the plot is hardly advanced from the last film. Yes, I'm getting old. I need more than 10 minutes of plot in a 2 hour film. Finally, I think Q.O.S. has lost a bit of the Bond spirit. Not enough gadgets and debonair talk. That's what makes Bond different. I'm willing to let all that go as this is the 2nd depressed act of a Trilogy and hope Mr. Bond gets back to his suave ways in the 3rd installment. Overall, if you like action flicks, you certainly won't be disappointed in this one.

FRED CLAUS - This was something I had no intention of seeing in the theaters last year, but now its out on DVD and the Holidays are here. Vince Vaughn or Fred Claus is St. Nick's angry older brother (frozen in time with Nick and the rest of the family) who has always been overshadowed by Santa. Fred winds up in the north pole looking for some $$$ and causes all kinds of trouble for Santa, which is funny and enjoyable. If you can suspend the idea that Fred is supposed to be hundreds of years old and would likely not act like such an idiot and that Santa looks like a psychopath on cocaine, you will enjoy this movie. Things start off well, but like many comedies, it takes itself way too serious at the end and becomes rather boring (I actually fell asleep and had to re-watch the last 10 minutes). This isn't a bad way to blow up a few hours on a cold winter's night, but not great either. Regardless, I say - Happy Christmas.

Thanksgiving is for Pigs

If you are a woman reading this and don't hate me; quit reading now or prepare to loath me forever. I am here to tell you that Thanksgiving is the last bastion of pure patriarchal, chauvinistic exploitation of women left on the planet. Best of all, we celebrate it as a holiday!! Not so sure? Take a look at my Paradigm Shifting Franklin Covey Turkey Day planner for Man vs. woman:

MAN

• 7:00 AM - Sleep In
• 9:00 AM - Go play in the "Turkey Bowl" with your buddies
• 12:00 PM - Come home and complain about how "sore" you are, crash in front a worthless Detroit Lions game.
• 2:00 PM -Wake up, take your dominant place at the head of the table, make a speech, then carve the flesh of an animal to show your power over nature. Gorge yourself.
• 3:00 PM - Stagger away from the table, back to the E-Z boy
• 5:00PM - Wake up, check the NBA schedule. Talk to other males about hunting, guns and the good life.
• 7:00 PM - Grab a slice of pie, start watching a movie with lots of explosions.
• 10:00 PM - Drone on about how good things were back in your day to impress younger males.
• 11:00 PM -Slip into a sweet tryptophan induced coma. Snore loudly.

WOMAN

• 7:00 AM - Already up slaving over the 7th pie crust.
• 9:00 AM - Ram your fist into a dead bird and rip out its innards, then massage it with special oils!
• 12:00 PM - Peel 40 potatoes, carrots and chop onions. Grate 3 blocks of cheese. Through your tears, "accidentally" stab an in-law with a fork.
• 2:00 PM - Freak out in the kitchen, sustaining second degree burns while basting the turkey, stirring lumpy gravy and curse at your husband's inane speech taking place in the other room.
• 3:00 PM - Take a seat at the kitchen counter and eat a small plate of food. Fight back tears.
• 5:00PM - Wash dishes in scalding water alone, while others pretend to work. Steal away to the bathroom to cry over the dried-out Turkey.
• 7:00 PM - Dishes continue. Dried out hands may never be the same.
• 10:00 PM - Crack "holiday" nuts into a bowl with a scowl on your face. Gossip with other women.
• 11:00 PM - Lie in bed staring at the ceiling wondering "Why do I do this every year?"

After going over this schedule I now realize why men have to work so hard on Valentines Day, Anniversaries, and the other 362 days of the year to make up for our one day of true Mantopia. Happy Thanksgiving!

Shoot Me Now

What a weekend. I've been completely emasculated and humbled. First, a die-hard chick flick, followed by Maxine Hall choking his life away as he single-handedly lost the Holy War between BYU and Utah. Max needs to go see a therapist. Eight picks all year and he decides to lay up five in the most important game of the season? Bench that dude! Not even his mother would give him a bowl of "you got your butt-kicked" soup without a slap to the face. Then, my beloved Broncos get slaughtered by hated but pitiful Raiders. I couldn't even bear to watch it on the DVR. How much disaster can one man take in a 48-hour stretch? As a frustrated Chevy Chase would say:

"Well Hallelujah and Holy #$%&!!! - Where's the Tylenol?"

Hope you all have a happy Thanksgiving, and give thanks that your life doesn't depend on football teams that rip your heart out and give you back a piece of black coal in return. Its just entertainment right? OK. I'm done.

Twilight Scores a 10

I recently posted on why Twilight is going "suck." For once, my predictions came true. But what I didn't anticipate was the unintentional comedy - one of my favorite genres of humor. On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd have to say this scored a 10.

I'm not going to spoil the moments, and I wouldn't do them justice, plus the punchlines for such comedy are mostly in the mind of the viewer. And I should also add that the only way to get the unintentional comedy is to have read the books. Otherwise, it would just be stupid - as I predicted many critics would say.

[Side Note] Am I gloating over correctly predicting the future? No. I just want to make the world a better, safer place. "I would rather you not question the manner in which I provide your safety, only that you thank me for it."

Here is the breakdown of my predictions:

1. Bait and Switch - Boy howdy was I right about this. This was a HARD-CORE chick flick. The 'action' is around for about 15-20 minutes and there was minimal violence I could sink my teeth into. (I know, ban pun - but its not like I'm trying to win the Pulitzer). The actual scene of violence came off much better than I expected, but this surely would not slake the thirst of a real man.

2. Casting - I'll bust out by character. Bella was actually way better than I expected and she made the movie work in my opinion. Perfect combination of homely and yet could be girl of your dreams next door. Eddie? Sometimes good, but his lines were incredibly awkward. The guy reads like the smooth operator of the century and this dude was simply goofy. This is where 90% of the unintentional comedy comes from. I LOVED IT!!! Jasper - always looked constipated (Julie told me this during the movie and I about died). Emmet, acceptable. Carlise, better than expected. Eseme, was she in the movie? Rosalie, not bad, but basically much as I predicted, a let down. Bad guys, acceptable.

Want to know who made the movie much better than expected? The high school kids. They were spot on and pretty funny. Jacob and Billy and Charlie were right on par (IMHO).

3. Production - YIKES. I think they ran out of money or had an editor on acid. Some scenes were so poorly cut that I felt bad for them, so I laughed, but not out loud - OK I did laugh out loud a few times (the WHIFF scene - you'll know what I'm talking about), but toned it down for the die-hards. I was wrong about special effects, they were worse than Heroes and Smallville. The cheesy lines were there and the "say it - vampire" scene was enough to make you puke. Yes, the budget was $36 million, a small sum in today's world and they did the best they could. Hopefully next time they can take the windfall off this episode and make something much better next time.

A word about adaptation. I felt they took some good liberties, try to add in more of a storyline with the bad guys, quicker pacing, and limiting the never-ending "Edward is the most gorgeous, chiseled, hot bowl of man-marble" talk. Bella was less domesticated, no scenes of her cooking and cleaning for dear-old dad. It was my understanding that the Meadow is the greatest moment in perhaps all of the books and it was done out of sequence and came off as the worst part of the movie. Adapting this movie is extremely difficult due to 80% of the content being in Bella's head. Only a mini-series could deliver enough detail to satisfy thirsty fans with new-born anger over missed moments. Die-hard Harry Potter fans often hate the hack job in those films and Twilight is no exception.

Overall, it wasn't as bad as I expected. I laughed a lot and had a good time, but mostly because of the sweet savor of vindication and the fact that I"m a cold-hearted jerk that can laugh at things that "suck."

My Cat Speaks Out

Recntly, I posted about my cat Tigra, and her bloodthristy nature. The following diaries (author unknown) are from a typical dog and (I'd like to imagine) my cat. Enjoy!

DOG

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

CAT

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Jerks.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...

Get More Intelligent Humour

Many of you may have already seen this movie, but I recently watched it and loved it. Action, humor, explosions, spy gadgets and Steve Carrell. The guy was hilarious in this movie and the jokes come quick and often. It was also impressive that most of the humor in this movie was not that crass (relatively speaking for a summer PG-13 - its still no G). I say this because you can watch all of the alternate jokes in the movie and they always went for the more intelligent, less crude jokes than the typical below the belt humor. I felt my faith in humanity rise up 2.8% after this experience. Each of the cast members you see on the right did a great job, all were funny and of course I'm a fan of any movie with The Rock (my alter-ego). And let's not forget Hiro (from Heroes) shows up for a few good scenes as well. Overall, I think this is a can't miss flick that will put a grin on your face and demand a second viewing.

Twilight is going to "Suck"

Not many men openly admit to reading the Twilight SAGA, and fewer still have risked nothing by blogging about it. But I’m here to fill the void of male commentary. Later this month, the SAGA will come to life on the big screen; delighting young women and desperate housewives across the globe. Right?

I have seen most of the trailers and visited the IMBD discussion board before forming my opinion. Obviously, the trailers may be different from the actual movie (Zoolander is a good example of this) but its all I have to go on. Here are my top 3 reasons why Twilight the movie is going to suck (no pun intended).

3. Bait & Switch. Most trailers depict this film as a Vampire action movie, which is totally bogus. As a guy, I hate being dragged into a chick flick disguised as something else. Bait and switch is generally a desperate tactic when the product stinks.

2. Casting. This book is about the most beautiful girl next door, meeting Mr. Wonderful and his supermodel family. I’m no model and don’t think any of the actors are unattractive, but they just don’t measure up to the description of the people in the book. (Man do I feel shallow talking about this, but sometimes the truth hurts). I’m not convinced by anyone in the cast except Bella. I don’t have a problem with Robert Pattison as Edward, but 78% of women I’ve surveyed or read online say the dude doesn’t have "it." He’s too frail and sickly looking. I’ve heard he was adored as the now deceased Cedric Diggory, but I’m not exactly qualified to comment on a dude’s looks. Next, Rosalie. This is supposed to the knock-out of the century and while the actress is good-looking, she’s no Claudia Schiffer. Carslile looks too young, perhaps his acting will make up for it. Jasper seems off and has a jacked-up hair-do. Alice and Emmet seem about right. And then someone went off and grabbed an “old” lady to play Esme. Bottom line: this is low budget B movie casting.

Historically, success with casting relative unknowns in leading roles for a big movie needs to be offset by casting well known, character actors to surround the new talent. Here are a few good examples:

- Batman Begins – Bale surrounded by Morgan Freeman, Gary Oldman and Michael Kane

- Superman – Christopher Reeve with Gene Hackman and Marlon Brando; this is a good example of a movie being viable just on the supporting cast.

- Harry Potter – the Big 3, with Alan Rickman, Robbie Coltrane, Ralph Fiennes, Brendan Gleeson, Gary Oldman, Maggie Thompson, the list is long…

- LOTR – Good talent in Viggo, Orlando and Elijah, and still they brought in Ian McKellan, Christopher Lee, Sean Bean, Bernard Hill, Cate Blanchet…

1. Production. The first two points are both symptoms of the universal problem. Summit Entertainment is clearly not a heavy hitter in the block-buster business. They make chick flicks, which this certainly is, but Twilight is in the expensive fantasy genre that requires the best to be pulled off correctly. Some call Twilight the next Harry Potter. I don’t think its appeal is nearly that universal, but it is a phenomenon as far as books go and it should get its day in the hot sun. I’ve already dissed the casting and marketing, now I’d like to rail on the screen play and special effects.

CUT THE CHEESE. Yes almost every trailer I've seen has some lines that are just plain corny and the delivery is terrible! Here are my favorites: “Tell him to avenge you!” “He’s absolutely lethal” “Say it… Vampire [ugh]” “I could make you…” And the biggest slice of cheese goes to: Wearing baseball uniforms during the baseball game. No wonder these vampires are dorks of their world.

I may be wrong about the special effects, since much will be done post production, but they are all quick blur effects like the ones on TV shows like Heroes, Smallville, etc. Perhaps this can be saved. This is my one ray of hope for the movie.

OK. I have arrogantly said a lot of harsh things based on 4-5 previews and some tid-bits from the Internet. I would be happy to be proved wrong. However, the deck is stacked against this movie. It may financially succeed, but I predict it will be panned by critics and remembered as movie with great potential in the wrong hands. Hopefully I’ll be able to choke down my popcorn when I arrive at the theater for vindication.

Election Moment

Before we say goodbye to Hilter, who was really controlled with the force by Darth Vader and welcome in the "Messiah" I have only one picture to say:

Bloodlust

Elton John and Simba are all about the circle of life, however my cat, Tigra is obsessed with the circle of death - and she brings it to us on a regular basis. I used to let the cat out because I thought she was bored and needed fresh air. Noooooo. That cat is out for blood. Serious bloodlust in that animal. I know cats like to bring presents back to their owner as a "I got your back dog" gesture, but this is just sadistic.

The other day, Tigra caught a baby bunny and slowly chewed its ears off. I heard baby B. screaming occasionally and I was stuck in a "million dollar bunny" situation. Should I save the bunny and let it die on its own? (it was mutilated and beyond repair) or should I hope the cat finishes it off quickly? Needless to say, my Boss was flipping out. I told her if I had a 357 Magnum, this wouldn't be a problem. We opted for Plan B and in true Mordor fashion, Tigra just kept the slow death going. Unable to witness the circle of death, we left and came back to find a decapitated corpse on the back porch. If Voldermort had a cat, Tigra would be it. Or maybe she's an Animagus, hiding from the Dark Lord.

The Internet says if I get an advanced pheromone spray it should mitigate my cat's need to protect and hunt its territory, thus making her less likely to kill and torture the innocent. Or we could make her wear a bell. No, that would drive me insane at 2 AM. It appears that the solution is to be inhumane, keep the cat indoors all day and get her a cat condo...and fake mice that squirt blood.