Minimalist Mormon Housewives

A few days ago the Boss commented to me how much she enjoyed not having a ton of stuff on our walls. We've always been a house of mirrors and not much art work or pictures of our family. I used to chide her for our lack of displaying what is beautiful or the people we love in our lives. But recently, I've come to the opinion there is a trend in our culture regarding our beloved Domestic Engineers and its impact on our lives. The Collins Dictionary has a definition of this new lifestyle that goes beyond art/nick-nacks to what I'm talking about:

Minimalism: 3) design or style in which the simplest and fewest elements are used to create the maximum effect.  

Perhaps due to the depression and the nature of our economy changing to a service base, women are getting away from collecting or hoarding household goods and decorations. I grew up in a era where the more nick-nacks you had from Homemaking demonstrated your prowess as an LDS mother. Pictures and paintings of Gospel significance were everywhere. In my house, there was individual portraits of the kids in our main bathroom. (Just in case you forgot about who was making all that noise outside). In addition, your family needed to be involved in a TON of activities. I recall the Sunday night scheduling meeting where 50 things for that week were discussed and I watched my mother's blood pressure go through the roof. Back then, it was always more, more, and more. I know that sounds like today, but now we are heading in a different direction where "less" is supposed to be "more." Here are some examples of what I'm talking about:

• This is the information age where we are overloaded with too much stuff. The goal of most thoughtful people is how to cut through the haze of information/opportunities to what matters most. A talk by Elder Oaks is often simply referenced almost like WWJD in our culture --- Is it Good, Better or Best?
• Cut out the fat. I suppose this has been going on for ages, but these days, controlling your eating/weight/food has nearly endless ideas on Pinterest and MMB's (Mormon Mommy Blogs) or just food blogs. Some are all about cutting everything out of your eating life to look minimalist or maximizing your cuisine to eat the tastiest things ever made, just not all the time (sorry to The Girl who "reportedly" Ate Everything and Pioneer Woman). 
• Last Christmas I ordered a subscription for the Boss to the magazine Real Simple. Its a monthly magazine of about 300 pages detailing how to simplify your life. The physically oxymoronic nature of this magazine still cracks me up but I know many women love to dive into its pages seeking ways to simplify their lives and breathe easier.  
• De-clutter. Along the lines of Real Simple, this is a mantra I often hear repeated by DE's at various church and social functions. "Guess how much stuff I got rid of last weekend!" (audible gasps and approvals). Can you imagine hearing that as a kid? Its all too easy these days to walk out of Target with hoards of goods and later wonder where did all this stuff come from? This is a consumption culture. Here are a few lines of sage wisdom from Tyler Durden in favor of minimalism: 

• "Do you know what a duvet is? It's a blanket. Just a blanket. Now why do guys like you and me know what a duvet is? Is this essential to our survival, in the hunter-gatherer sense of the word? No. What are we then? Right. We are consumers. We're the bi-products of a lifestyle obsession."
• "You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your khakis. You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world."
• "The things you own end up owning you."

• Christmas. In yesteryear, conversations about how to cut-back on Christmas presents would have been unconscionable  Now they are common. We know we are drowning in the piles of stuff we consume, but can't seem to break the cycle and the happiest day of the year is a painful time to take our medicine, but we've got to start showing kids that presents don't equal love and acceptance.
• Never enough time. I wont' say more so I don't run out of it.
• My mom used to come home with stuff from Homemaking, but I rarely see the Boss bring anything home from Relief Society activities. (maybe its just her?)    
• Going digital. Thanks to smartphones, computers, internet, etc. we can now keep our schedules, photos and STUFF in one convenient place, often small enough to fit in the palm of our hand. Virtual British women enslaved and given the name Siri are at your beck and call to find recipes, give you directions, look up answers to kid's homework.
• My house is all now various shades of white/grey with little "pops" of color. The words traditional, open, fresh, clean and crisp were often used during our remodel. Open it up, maximize the space, but don't fill it with crap. Sounds like a mantra for life. 

I believe the principles of minimalism will help us maximize our happiness in our information and consumption saturated world. But we seem to be failing. I'm overwhelmed and you are probably feeling that way too. Life should be about the journey and not the destination or stuff we have. Perhaps our children will take our minimalist reformation we've started and really make the tough choices that we can't --- Just one TV in the house? Uniforms at public schools? 2-3 meaningful presents for Christmas? No video games? One car and the rest bikes? Debit only and no credit cards? It could go on but I've got to get to work to pay for our minimalist lifestyle. If anything, the obscene amount of money I've spent over the last year has re-confirmed the notion that money and material possessions will not make you happy. This whole minimalist business should be pointed at men as well. Time for me to get with the reformation (and quit writing such long blog posts). I open my arms to this new era of Mormon Domestic Engineering and hope it allows us to experience  maximum, joy, productivity, relaxation and happiness .      

Its Alright to Cry

In keeping with the last video, I recall a nasty mock song we used to sing as kids:

"Its alright to cry, it help take the pain away...
Its alright to cry, EVERYDAAAYY!!"

(It usually got no further than that as a fist fight was on at that point.)

Let's Get Vulnerable!

A friend of mine shared this video with me and I found it to be very profound. Like most of you, I don't enjoy being vulnerable, but it really is the key to unlocking real joy in life. For my LDS friends, ideas about opposition in all things will resonate.

I especially enjoyed her ideas on scarcity and being extraordinary. In the ordinary moments is where our greatest joy is found. Hope you enjoy and find some inspiration from this.

Mole Man

A couple weeks ago in Elder's Quorum I announced to the group that I would be making a Mole (chocolate) Chile to represent us at the Ward Chili Cook-off. I was met with skepticism and doubt, seasoned with a pinch of mockery. Nevertheless, I persevered and used the following recipe.

http://www.food.com/recipe/eds-chicago-cocoa-chili-chocolate-chili-18414

Almost all of the reviews were positive and I was ready to start my quest to ROCK THE ESTABLISHMENT OF CHILI. My first photo:

THE KILLER COCOA CHILI SPICE MIX

The first step was definitely the most tedious. Many of the spices called for were not in our pantry and thus, I wound up blowing a lot of time and coin at the store to make this dish... would the results justify the costs?

COOKING WITH CHANTICO & INDUCTION

 The above shows all of the wonderful color that goes into this dish before adding the spice mix and chocolate which tends to darken the color (just a little bit :). In case you are wondering, here is some background on Chantico from Azteccalendar.com

"She Who Dwells In The House, the goddess of hearth fires, personal treasures and volcanoes. Chantico broke a fast by eating paprika with roasted fish, and then was turned into a dog by Tonacatecuhtli. Chantico is closely related to Xiuhtecuhtli. In the tonalpohualli, Chantico rules over trecena Ehecatl (wind)."

CHANTICO - MY CHILI GODDESS

 I especially like her mustache.

The final touch - 2oz of 100% Ghirardelli dark chocolate. I watched as they settled on the top of the mix and slowly devoured the stew. After the Boss intervened and doubled the brown sugar, my creation was ready for competition. I was aware that presentation would be considered, so I searched the house for something Mexican that would add a layer of artistic appeal to the dish beyond salivating, sweaty men greedy for a fattening stew.

Over the past year, I've been cleaning out the ol basement and came across a figurine that was prominently displayed in our home for many years. He was gawked at and often dismissed as "lame" or "weird" by my associates. But he hung in there against the establishment. My chili must do the same. And so he became the symbol of my passion.

I took everything to La Iglesia for final judgement and was forced to wait in a sealed chamber while the judges practiced their analytic skill on the 13 entries. I honestly expected nothing as my work was outside the norm for typical Mormondom. As I said, I only hoped to rock people's world view. To my surprise the chili actually won second place in the judges voting. In the popular vote, I got nothing. Many confided to me afterward that they shunned my chili due to the bizarre owl man and the "DARKNESS" of my offering.

So in American political terms, I had a good run in the electoral college but got slaughtered in the popular vote. But it still felt like a strong moral victory for Mole Man and the art my father preserved for years despite its unpopularity.

Hopefully Dad got to take a quick peek at his creation draped with a silver medal and a side of chips.

World War Z

Just caught up with this audio book of the Oral History describing the zombie apocalypse. First off, let me say I'm not a huge zombie fan and was more interested in this book for its allegorical messages than fan-boy fiction. I should also say the pending film appears to be a MASSIVE departure from the book. I knew this going in, which actually made me more interested to hear it as the film will probably be much thinner on substance.

The book is supposed to be oral accounts of survivors across the world compiled by a UN historian years after the war. He makes it clear the point of the book is not to detail numbers, logistics and the science behind the war, but the human spirit involved.

So onto the allegorical applications:

• An actual outbreak of a virus. This has to be taken seriously regardless of whether you favor science fiction or fantasy, God or evolution. Here is some light reading and video on the subject. Of course, Michio Kaku is in the video. (I love that guy!!) 
• http://www.christadelphianbooks.org/agora/art_less/p-q22.html
• Spiritual Plague - How would people have to band together and fight to overcome tremendous evil sweeping the earth and turning all casualties into enemies? To a certain extent some of us probably think this has been going on since the beginning and is essentially how Satan does his missionary work. 
• What if we allow vampire culture to overrun the earth? We will all turn into Zombies. 
• Others might argue this story is an allegory of the kind of disaster it would take to return mankind to sound conservative principles such as public flogging, hard work, courage and a strong military complex. Hollywood would lose all of its value when people are constantly faced with death by un-dead cannibals. That is way more exiting than any 2 or 3D movie. 
• It is interesting to note that no reason is ever given for the outbreak and no cure is ever mentioned. It was simply war for warm blood. This again implies the allegory of the book is get us thinking about pure life and death struggle and what would we sacrifice to win. 

All I have left now is to wait for the movie and hope that Mark Hamill (Luke Skywalker) gets at least a cameo after his fantastic voice work on the book. 

Docu-MANIA!!!

Two quick reccomendations on stellar documentaries:

1. The Queen of Versailles - Chronicles the fall of a billionaire and his shopaholic wife. It was fascinating to see the cameras continue to roll after the recession and how these people can't quite seem to catch up with reality. Its like rolling in the slop with the greased up pigs of capitalism. Disgusting is the word I keep coming back to... and loving it.

2. Searching for Sugar Man - If you don't know anything about this... keep it that way and watch this flick. Totally awesome to see how things turn out. Needless to say, I love the singer-songwriter genere and bought the soundtrack right after watching the movie. If you watch the film, the music will honestly be about 5x better. Favorite track would probably be "A most disgusting song."

And yes, I did just give two glowing recommendations for documentaries. For some of you, this is a sign not to watch these films.

Getting Real with the Bible

Recently a reality TV producer set his hand to making a high-impact production of the Bible. I tried watching about 20 minutes and couldn't stomach it. It was all about violence and the spiritual message seemed lost. Apparently, they missed the message that the Bible is primarily a spiritual book and not meant to be an action movie.

This is a reason why I really enjoy the Church's Bible videos. I'm assuming they are much more quiet than the real life events. But its intentional, and allows us to feel the spiritual message conveyed by the book. Current film tastes push for that "real/gritty" factor, but I'm not sure it works when telling spiritual messages. They need to drop the grit and just get real to the purpose of the book.

The following video is of Peter and John healing a crippled man outside the temple. But the focus is ultimately not on the healing, but the quiet moments after the healing as the man realizes what his new legs can do.

I HATE Tortillas and Demand Universal Calorie Postings

Today the wife snagged me some lunch from Chic-fil-a and when she called me I thought of my options: greasy breaded sandwich, grilled sandwich or wrap. Thinking it was less of a calorie hit, I chose the wrap.

That stinking wrap had 410 calories!!! The greasy sandwich (which tastes about 1,000x better) was 440. For a measly 30 calories, I would have picked the latter.

Since last April I've become a calorie counter and generally know what I'm up to. But on this day, I was not thinking. For some reason, me and many others have tortillas in their heads as less calories than buns. (I don't blame you little girl... I BLAME YOUR MOTHER!!!) Generally tortillas are just as bad if not worse than buns. I can't even remember the last time I got the tortilla at Chipotle or Cafe Rio for this very reason.

But the real issues here are calories, information and the free market. I definitely lean conservative on most issues, but posting calories on menus is something our country has to do. EVERYWHERE. We have an obesity epidemic and I think it would be very helpful to the general public if this information was required on all menus (especially drive-thrus). But this sounds like another big-brother government program right? WRONG.

Proprietors complain that posting calories will hurt their sales. Why? Because its easy and cheap to make nasty food that tastes great and we buy a ton of it, unaware of exactly what we are consuming. This is not a market transaction. Here is a slightly abbreviated OCC definition of a market transaction between buyer (consumer) and seller (business).


Market Value - The most probable price... in a competitive and open market under all conditions requisite to a fair sale, the buyer and seller each acting prudently, knowledgeably, and assuming that the price is not affected by undue stimulus.

1. Buyer and seller are typically motivated;
2. Both parties are well informed or well advised, and acting in what they consider their own best interests;
3. A reasonable time is allowed for exposure in the open market;
4. Payment is made in terms of cash in United States dollars or in terms of financial arrangements comparable thereto; and
5. The price represents the normal consideration for the property sold unaffected by special or creative financing or sales concessions granted by anyone associated with the sale.

At a restaurant, motivations are generally clear for both parties (they offer food, we pay and eat). The big question is on point two. The proprietor knows what is in their food, but you don't. Its like buying a house but not knowing what may be wrong with it. That transaction is nuts for a buyer, but we do it all the time with food. We are therefore not well informed or advised and potentially acting in what we consider to be our own best interests. 

Proprietors complain:

But its hard to re-design menu boards! (except when you have a new menu item or special)

The information is posted on our website or that chart the size of Africa on the wall! (Yes, and everyone in line can easily get there or see it or have the time to look it all up.)

So why not require businesses to compete in the open market? If their food is crap and filled with 800-1,200 calories the market will decide if they want to buy or not. But consumers need the information readily available to even the playing field. Right now the deck is stacked in the restaurant's favor. We are all going to pay the bill (thanks to our medical system) for treatment of obesity related problems. Why make it worse so a few businesses can compete unfairly (with each other and consumers)?

I know there are a bunch of studies that say posting calories on menus and at fast food joints isn't helping. A few comments. 

1. How long have we been doing these studies and under what conditions? There may be flaws in the collection and analysis of the data. 
2. Many people eating fast food accept they are eating like garbage, but what about sit-down restaurants or other small establishments? Plenty of heath-minded consumers go there and could use the information. 
3. If this information were readily available everywhere and not just a few places, it may become more ingrained in people's decision making. 

Lately, there has been a witch hunt on smoking and getting out the truth about how its killing us. Why can't this be done for calories, weight and health? Look at what we've done according to the CDC:

Clearly, we can do better. I really don't want regulate people into skinniness, or control businesses. But I do believe in a free market place of ideas AND INFORMATION.

Imagine eating out in a world where restaurants are competing to offer menu items that maximize taste and calories. Give people the information and let the market decide. Its not socialism, its responsible capitalism.

DEATH TO ALL TORTILLAS!!!

Goulet = Valentines Perfection

To most of you it will come as no shock that I am an unabashed ROBERT GOULET FAN.

I don't hold him up as the greatest singer of all time, I just love his camp. Therefore he is perfect for Valentines day. And now I give you a classic.

Next, of of his all time best songs from Camelot:

  YOU ARE NOW COMPLETELY LATHERED UP. 

GO BUY ROSES, CHOCOLATES, 4LB TEDDY BEARS AND HEART SHAPED NECKLACES. REJOICE!!

I Love Comedy

Here are some videos I've seen lately that just killed me.

1. Adventure Time - Is it pathetic or awesome when a show your kids introduce you to becomes one of your favorites? I've never done the magic card game, but dabbled in a little D&D as a kid and the following clip reminded me of many a ridiculous evening with tons of tedious rules.
2. Next, a new take on the song I'm Sexy and I know it. All credit to M.I.L. John Mayer?
3. Key & Peele Sucher shared these with me and now I share them with you. Some mild profanity, but simply hilarious. You have to watch this one to the end. The photos on the side are priceless!

Fathers

Loved this clip from Mormon Messages. The symbolic use of sunlight is beautiful. Makes me proud to be a Father and a member of the church.

Movie & Book Club - Pathfinder and The Words

Dudes. Time for another iteration of my media breakdown for all outcasts from real book and movie clubs.

PATHFINDER - This is the first book in a new series by Orson Scott Card. After having multiple people tell me that I must read this book, I broke down and listened to it on a two-day marathon trip through the mountains. If you have read any of Card's work, you'll know or love the following elements of his writing:

• Genius or gifted children
• Multiple fart or other ridiculous juvenile jokes
• Time travel or people skipping through time
• MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF TIME being covered (rise and fall of empires and civilizations)
• Bizarre pseudo-scientific explanations of theoretical physics
• A ton of talking and debate about said physics 
• Political intrigue
• Smart kids mouthing off to adults and ROCKING their world view
• Very little fighting
• Main character that should be a total Haas, but just talks his way out of everything

So while it may sound like nothing is original here, I choose to say its everything I love about his writing in a complex plot that is very engrossing. I'll admit some things could have been shortened, but I always love the huge scale and scope of his books. I don't want to spoil the books, but they are another very interesting take on humanity's potential and their relationship to the planet and the things they create. So just go read it and don't be like me. 

One small complaint. If the people in this book are so smart but lack fossil fuels, I find it hard to believe they would still be living in such squalor. A society with as much advanced knowledge could surely do better than the mid-evil world portrayed in this book. 

THE WORDS - The Boss and I did our usual Red Box run last night for a movie that she picks and I finish. Before you go any further I must give a spoiler alert! I'm not sure how I can discuss this movie without giving a few things away, but its a predictable film so I don't feel all that bad about it. 

Simply put, this movie is INCEPTION using authors. Layers or stories within stories, massive amounts of guilt and the desperate struggle to escape or cope with that guilt. It also has a somewhat ambiguous ending.  

I was surprised at what is a very star-studded cast with Bradley Cooper, Jeremy Irons, Dennis Quaid and Olivia Wilde. I'll say it right now, this is not a typical popcorn feel-good movie. It probably ticks a lot of people off which is why it was not a large commercial success. So if you are more indy-minded in your movie selection, this may be in your wheel-house.   

So let's get down to it. A struggling writer steals another man's long lost book and is treated as the next great American author. When confronted by the true writer of the story, can he live with the lie or will it destroy his life? Seems like an obvious answer, but it was interesting to see how this film shows the writer's attempt to explain what happened and blur the lines of fiction and reality to numb his guilt. I think the story shows the power of finding your true self (voice) in the midst of suffering and why we can't fake the stuff that matters most - even if we have succeed in fooling everyone. 

A good example of finding voice comes from JK Rowling. I recall her explaining that the death of her parents was with her the entire time she wrote the Harry Potter series. It wasn't really about the boy who is a wizard but doesn't know it. It was about a boy dealing with life after losing his parents. Those books are not literary classics, but the power of her grief gave her a voice that rang true for millions (billions) of readers.

Writers or not, I think everyone comes to develop a voice. Some call it identity, brand or "your offer to the world." What do you genuinely do well and have to share with others? Life can be sweet when you pay the price and make the world a better place. Fiction and fantasy cannot replace it. Perhaps its why most of our media choices leave us feeling so empty. Hard to be fulfilled by someone else's work.    

No to Thank You

I was brought to my attention about a year ago that the staff at Chic-fil-A is trained say "my pleasure" whenever you say thank you. At first this didn't bother me but over my next visit or two, it started to annoy the heck out of me. I had a day trip for business a week ago and I made it my goal not to say thank you at any point during the transaction.

Rather than saying thanks I say:

Yep
That's fantastic
Good deal
Cool
Sweet
Word
Solid

Not once have they responded with "my pleasure" to any of the above.

Am I being a jerk or saving these poor workers from saying something they don't mean? Am I not saving them from four extra lies in a given day?

People don't typically say my pleasure any more instead of the more common "you're welcome." It implies something more intimate than just common courtesy or performing one's duty. Maybe our society is so over sexed that the word pleasure simply can't be attached to anything non-sexual without some level of discomfort. Regardless, I'm going to carry on in my private crusade to have a more honest interaction with the Chic-fil-A staff. Join me if you are tired of the lies.

How Bitter It Is

I can't bear to say much more than this about our loss yesterday.

I think I may have urinated vinegar at some point last night. Here's to doing better next season once the next genius head coach in the NFL is no longer jacking up our offense. 

One-ups & Youtube

Just loved this... my kids will probably know this much problem more intimately than I ever will.

EXCALIBUR - The Greatest Christmas Gift... EVER.

Here is the video I made for the presentation of a Royal Gift to Queen Julievere this last Christmas. There are some black screen moments with music. This was intentional to allow time for gathering the present from the tree and the Lizard to shine her green finger light on the blade as it was unsheathed from its box.

Tears were shed. Heads shook in disbelief.

It was a moment to remember. See if you can guess what I gave her.

The Less Miserables - Raw Smackdown 12'

A taste of things to come

RAW

Is the word that best describes what I saw in the latest screen adaptation of the stellar 1980 musical. True to contemporary tastes in film, this movie wants to take an old classic story or characters and show us the rough and emotionally naked core of something familiar. The fresh 21st century view of unflinching realism... or so we are led to believe.

So naturally with these elements working I LOVED THIS MOVIE. Not perfect and certainly not as good as the play, but emotionally stirring and perhaps the best possible adaptation. I know I'm a weeper and this film got the water works flowing. The acting was top notch for Anne Hathaway and Hugh Jackman. What can I say, the guy just nailed it. (I'll forgive a few high notes that no dude with a pair can hit, much less a true Australian Haas like him).

This is an "IN YOUR FACE" film so I don't think I could re-watch it for six months. Seriously, if you have a fetish for facial close ups, this movie is a gratuitous buffet of visual delights. I'd normally say it was too much, but I appreciate Hooper pushing the envelope in this regard giving the film a unique look and feel. 5 years from now each song will be classic on YouTube (assuming it still exists).

One thing I give the movie credit for is fleshing out details of the play that I had not imagined before. While the play is the superior way to experience this music, the movie really fleshes out scenes and details. So this is the one point where the film exceeds the play in awesomeness.

So go get awesome, but be prepared to have your heart ripped open.

Holy Van Noy

Let me start with some important audio that just changed BYU history:



First of all, I love the line - SACRIFICE YOUR BODIES! (coaches love to say that.. when its not their bodies)

Secondly, this was absolutely how this game played out and Van Noy is now the Waterboy of BYU football.

That could have been the ugliest first three quarters of a BYU bowl game in history. Not one offensive touchdown. Sucher turns to me and plays the clip above on his iPhone and the words never seemed so true. QBs throwing picks like drunken sailors and a non-existent running game. Someone on defense would have to score a touchdown for us to win the game. Shortly after playing this now legendary clip, Kyle Van Noy exploded with a forced fumble and recovery for a touchdown and a pick-6 a few minutes later.

How sad is a bowl game when one defensive player scores more points that both offenses combined? BYU wins with no passing TDs? Not the Cougars of old.

With the Mayan Apocalypse looming large tomorrow, this game could mean two things:

1. Despite BYU playing fantastically bad, the Lord will not allow his team to lose before the end of the world. If he can do it for Tebow, he can do it for BYU. They simply can't go out losers. 
2. A BYU team with an utterly pathetic offense and dominating defense must be a sign of the Apocalypse.

Well, here's to hoping we fire Doman, recruit a real QB and keep our new found defensive prowess.

The Ultimate Christmas Love Monalouge

This is a page right out of the ol Glory Days. In 1993, Boyz II Men owned the CC campus and all but guaranteed a successful date with a special lady. Go to 3:27 for the monologue and hear the speech I repeated to many a maiden when I was know by several monikers such as "The Guru" and "Ranch."

 

Girl, this Christmas you won't be alone

You don't have to cry

You don't have to worry about a thing

All the gifts that you wanted this year

Are your's

You don't have to worry about him no more

'Cause he's gone

Don't live in the past baby

I'm your future

All the feelings that I have

Are here for you

Anything that I can do

To take away any problem

That you may have or have had

I'm here

Just say [INSERT FIRST NAME]

And this Christmas is your's

The Hobbit at 48fps & 2:30

Its been a busy week but I figured it was time to weigh in on my viewing of The Hobbit last weekend. I was excited to see a film adaptation where the problem is not how to condense a huge book into a 2 hour movie, but how to stretch one book into 3, 3 HOUR MOVIES. Its almost as if some studio executive posed this problem and suddenly:

Yes, with the great corporate power of Barnabus Stinson behind him, Peter Jackson found the will to make MORE MONEY OFF ONE BOOK THAN ANY OTHER IN THE HISTORY OF CINEMA. Its too early to say, but I'm certain when this is all done, it will be the highest grossing book adaptation of all times. But enough of my anti-capitalist pig venom.

Many complained about the 48fps. It was a beautiful movie like the trilogy before it, but if I hadn't been told about the technology, I don't think I would have wondered about it. Since I have completely shunned 3D movies, I have no comment on that realm.

Overall, this is a fantastic movie. I will say it is much too slow to get started and some of the action sequences seemed stretched to hit a quota of "action." The Shire portion of the movie could have easily been cut by 20 mins. I've heard others say it and it rings true - Its like watching a movie with all of the deleted scenes added back into the film. But I shall not complain. Is there ever too much time in Middle Earth? I only lament the original LOTR series didn't get two films per book as Tolkien intended with his book 1 & 2 structure.

My only complaint - An old wizard with an enormous turd on his head riding a sleigh pulled by roid rabbits!? C'MON MAN! Was that really in any of Tolkien's book? Radagahst just became the Jar-Jar of LOTR.

In the end, I am pleased to say I passed the test Peter Jackson imposes on all his audiences:

12.... 12.... 12....

Even as I type this my bowls begins to melt. I'm looking out my window and a Red Sun rises. I learned from Legolas this means blood has been or will be spilt. Or perhaps something more positive will happen?

Of course after 5 minutes of searching the source of all truth (GOOGLE) it would appear to the casual observer that nothing major has happened on the recent FREAKISH sequential dates:

10/10/10
11/11/11

But wait! The next time we get such a special date or "portal" to another dimension is on January 1, 3001.

NEARLY ONE THOUSAND YEARS FROM NOW.

In our world of never ending excuses for sales and parties, I'm shocked I have not see the following:

• 1-day only 12-12-12 sale at Macys! $12 off any purchase - This sale will not occur again for another 1,000 years so hurry in today!
• Buy 11 Pizzas and get the 12th Pizza free from Pizza the Hut! 
• Me: I'm going to treat myself and quit work at 9:00 PM and watch a depressing foreign film on Netflix with unsalted and non-buttered popcorn. 
• Hi. I'm Tom Shane. - Guys, its the last major sequential date for nearly a thousand years. Want to show her that your love will last even longer? Why not buy her a commemorative diamond 12 pendant from the Shane company? These hand selected diamonds from the blood mines of Africa are truly unique and I killed the middle man to get to them. This gift will let ALL of her friends know that you make even the most obscure events reason to buy her jewelry. Her status as a trophy woman will be a legacy for generations to come. - Now you have a friend in the end of the world jewelry.. The Shane Company located 1/2 mile east of I-25...   

Geeking Out Pt. 74

Most of you know I love a good comic book or sci-fi movie. I could take as many as the Hollywood machine will throw at me.

All art-house Nazi's need to quit complaining and hail Awesomeness. What's not to like in these movies?

Super-powers, explosions, popcorn, gadgets, lasers, explosions, martial arts, one-liners, popcorn, awesomeness, laser vision, people getting tossed, shouting, fire, heroism, sacrifice, popcorn, explosions and more Super-powers. 

(BONUS - guess the meaning of my Chiastic structure above)

So here are the latest films I'm completely geeked out for next summer:



First of all, Sherlock Holmes is the bad guy? How awesome is that! This one looks like it will have a close to home plot which should be very interesting. The Trek re-boot continues to be my standard by which all re-boots must be judged and the Star Wars prequels forever shamed.
 

Personally, I love the look and feel of the visuals in this trailer. The teaser and this one have led me to think the next installment will focus more on Superman's inner struggle and weakness/vulnerability. All good things to heighten the stakes or drama for a nearly indestructible character. Of course ZOD my all time favorite villain is in this one so Supes really is in mortal danger (or at least whatever city he's fighting in is TOAST). Regardless, catching these trailers today was nothing short of copious amounts of hot lather smothered on my face by Hollywood and I'm ready to go... in six months.

The Death of Me

I know my death clock to the left says I have plenty of years yet to go, but renovating my home and paying for it could speed up the process.

A few days ago, I had a conversation with my financial planner about disability and life insurance. It was noted that as long as I could speak, I could do my job so disability insurance was not as serious for me as say someone in construction or a dentist that needs their hands. The following scene from one of my favorite films basically shows how I can work myself to death even if I can't get out of bed.



Of course, no posting including this film would be complete without the following montage.

Real Wedding Vows

Forget Corinthians or holding hands while listening to Aerosmith's "Don't wanna miss a thing" song for vows; the following is the real deal:

Just prior to this scene Alec Baldwin delivers a classic line. Bacon is in the car with him freaking out before the wedding and he asks:

"Do you think I`m gonna be happy-I mean honestly?"

Baldwin responds:

"You want to be a writer and father, maybe it`ll work out, who knows?...
Yeah, you`ll be happy. You just won`t know it, that`s all."

MURDER & FUR

This is for all my cat loving friends and in honor of my cat TIGRA. THE WORLD'S MOST BLOOD THIRSTY CAT. Why is her fur so soft? Plenty of fresh meat!

Skyfall - The Greatest Bond Film in the Modern Era?

The latest effort in the 50 year saga of masculinity wrapped in Tuxedo. Cinematically this is probably the best Bond film ever made. There is a scene involving low lighting, tons of glass doors and a jellyfish constantly reflected across all surfaces which makes for fascinating camouflage. To be perfectly honest, I enjoyed the camera work and visuals much more than the action which was good, but nothing I haven't seen before. Like The Dark Knight Rises, this film allows audiences to see the traditionally robust, mythical hero become old and vulnerable.

True to the unbreakable vow of all contemporary action films, the movie is one never ending chase sequence. Creepy Spaniard guy dyes his hair blonde and provides the necessary antagonist, but this is where the overall concept of this film fell short for me. I wanted more emphasis on the aging... slow, inevitable death. I guess what I want is not a Bond film, but more of a character study analyzing how Bond's life would fall apart without mortal pursuit, combat and at least two nubile women moaning "James" all the same time. But in Hollywood this film will never happen. If things don't explode every 10 minutes we get bored, throw our popcorn at the screen and head-butt the stranger in the seat next to us.

What I probably enjoyed the most were some good inside jokes at the theater. At one point, we discover Bond's family heriloom collection of guns were sold to "some guy from Idaho." Ralph Fines is stuck as Voldermort in my mind. In every scene he appears I'm waiting for him to whip out a wand and start screaming "AVADA KEDAVRA!" At the end of the film, I was waiting for him to reveal himself to Bond as the Dark Lord and via the Imperius curse, make Bond his first Muggle Death Eater. But I was denied.

The biggest failing of the movie is the end of the opening sequence. Bond has been shot in the chest or mortally wounded. After this he able to spend 15 minutes fighting on top of a train at high speeds. His fellow agent is instructed to take out the bad guy with a sniper rifle and shoots Bond instead (never clear where he was shot either). He falls 300 feet into a raging river and the classic musical opening sequence begins. We see him rescued by some River Nymphs and sucked down into the sandy abyss shadow and intrigue. Later with no explanation whatsoever, we see bond ravishing women (bored), drinking liquor with scorpions on his hand (boring) and grimacing at his chest wound (chicks dig scars).

I guess we are forced to believe River Nymphs really saved him because that's all we get. It could have been the end of the franchise and it was brushed off with "Put some river mud on it and get back in there" attitude. Whatever.

For me, the modern era of Bond begins with Golden Eye. Since that time, I think Casino Royal was the best entry, followed by Golden Eye which upheld the sacred rule of killing Sean Bean at the end. As much as I've whined, I would rank this 3rd in the modern era. A fine film... but not the zenith of the franchise.    

Is the Mormon Moment Over?

After what seemed like an eternity (eight years) of running for president, Mitt Romney is not going to the White House. I'll admit I'm crestfallen this morning and have no desire to go to work... or build anything. The church had unprecedented coverage during Romney's run. Ultimately, I'd like to think it was very positive. Many people got to know Mormons as regular people with traditional values, but also as a people with a variety of backgrounds and struggles. So now that people don't have to deal with the idea of a Mormon running the country, is the media hype about the church done?

I'd say yes and no. Yes to what I call the Media Moment and no to the Church making headlines.

Media Moment - Most people really don't care to hear about other people's beliefs all the time. Heck, plenty of people don't want to think about their own religion all the time, much less the guy next door. If I'm running a magazine, newspaper or other media outlet, I'm probably worn out on the issue as well. So I think the media pieces highlighting the faith and why we are different is going to go down dramatically. Evangelicals can now go back to praying for us and I doubt more profanity laced musicals are in the works.

Headlines - I don't see the church changing its position on controversial topics such as gay marriage, abortion or supporting the Boy Scouts. As those issues continue to clash, the Church's larger national presence will be seen and heard. Some will love us and some will hate us.

This election felt like a tipping point to me. We are on the European fast track. Religion is now what happens at weddings, funerals and a few holidays, but mostly just ceremonial stuff and not for everyday living. De-militarization and flat 50-75% taxes. Its the only way we can "attempt" to pay for all of our programs. And the majority of us will cheer for it. I'm not leaving the country, so I guess I'd better get used to it until our economy collapses under the astronomical debt, sparking a second world-wide depression and chaos that could eventually lead to Biblical Armageddon scenarios.

(You knew I was going to work the end of the world into this. In a less serious post, I'd blame the Illuminati for Romney losing last night).

Yeah, I don't have that much faith in Bureaucrats solving the world's problems.

Before you say I've given up, I do think its a matter of time before the Dem majority ticks everyone off and we will  likely see another Republican President and Senate down the road. However, I think we just went over the fiscal edge and I don't think we can come back. I feel like blaming 3 years of campaigning for a 4 year term. Or maybe I'm just in a sour mood this morning.      

Executive Toilets

I used to think that executives having a private bathroom was an absurd excess of pig vanity capitalism. But lately, I've begun to think it would pretty dang sweet to have one of my own.

Why?

I've been drinking more water these days and I'm not sure if I've got a bad prostate or developed 7 year old girl bladder syndrome, but I get sick of marching past the whole office 3-5 times a day to think straight at my desk.

It's getting awkward.

It's getting so bad I'm starting to hope I can pick off the treasured personal male urinal at the annual white elephant party this December. But with no lock on my door, that's a potentially scandalous solution.

I suppose it would be less taboo in the car on a long roadie, but if I started doing this, my thin list of friends would drop to ZERO. In fact, I think you just de-friended me right now.

Oh well, I guess I should just accept my age and embrace 10,000 trips to the communal restroom.

Raising Arizona

I'd like to say I've always been a fan of this Coen Bros flick, but its probably better to say I've re-discovered it. Thanks to Nextflix streaming, after 4 failed starts, I finally finished this crazy movie.

Let me say up front that if you saw this prior to having children and now have some, go back and watch this. The comedy just took on a whole other sad but true ring to it. Lately, my life has been kinda hectic...  Watching the insanity of this movie, I feel like the main theme song has become the daily soundtrack of my life.

Of course, I love white trash humor despite my better half being so desperate to avoid any and all things white trash. I think what I liked the most was the camera work that brought a whole other dimension to the comedy. If you have streaming Netflix, give this one another go and think of me and the Mrs. going crazy. I started singing this song in the bathroom the other day and Brianna started cracking up. The Boss was not amused.

Life During Home Renovation

This is your brain:

This is your brain on home renovations:

There are no questions.

Yeah, I'm that burnt out and the stench of it won't come out of my clothes and the basement.

Since this is all supposed to be funny 10 years from now, let's revisit a day from the Money Pit that would cause me to take a bath in kerosene and drop a match... Good thing I don't fit in our bathtub.

 

The Future of the Sword in America

As we approach TEOWTWAWKI the power of the sword will be felt. It may seem ludicrous, but as a NeoChristian nation, allow me to share some scriptural sword references that demonstrate why this magnificent change to one of our national symbols is bound to happen.



Doctrine and Covenants 6:2
Behold, I am God; give heed unto my word, which is quick and powerful, sharper than a two-edged sword (perhaps like a light saber?), to the dividing asunder of both joints and marrow; therefore give heed unto my words.

Alma 24:12
Now, my best beloved brethren, since God hath taken away our stains, and our swords have become bright (note the picture above), then let us stain our swords no more with the blood of our brethren.

Jeremiah 50:36
A sword is upon the liars; and they shall dote: a sword is upon her mighty men; and they shall be dismayed.

1 Samuel 25:13
And David said unto his men, Gird ye on every man his sword. And they girded on every man his sword; and David also girded on his sword: and there went up after David about four hundred men; and two hundred abode by the stuff.

Ezekiel 14:17
¶Or if I bring a sword upon that land, and say, Sword, go through the land; so that I cut off man and beast from it:

2 Nephi 5:14
And I, Nephi, did take the sword of Laban, and after the manner of it did make many swords, lest by any means the people who were now called Lamanites should come upon us and destroy us; for I knew their hatred towards me and my children and those who were called my people.

Ezekiel 5:12
¶A third part of thee shall die with the pestilence, and with famine shall they be consumed in the midst of thee: and a third part shall fall by the sword round about thee; and I will scatter a third part into all the winds, and I will draw out a sword after them.

Alma 17:37
But behold, every man that lifted his club to smite Ammon, he smote off their arms with his sword; for he did withstand their blows by smiting their arms with the edge of his sword, insomuch that they began to be astonished, and began to flee before him; yea, and they were not few in number; and he caused them to flee by the strength of his arm.

Helaman 13:5
And he said unto them: Behold, I, Samuel, a Lamanite, do speak the words of the Lord which he doth put into my heart; and behold he hath put it into my heart to say unto this people that the sword of justice hangeth over this people; and four hundred years pass not away save the sword of justice falleth upon this people.

Alma 44:12
And now when Moroni had said these words, Zerahemnah retained his sword, and he was angry with Moroni, and he rushed forward that he might slay Moroni; but as he raised his sword, behold, one of Moroni’s soldiers smote it even to the earth, and it broke by the hilt; and he also smote Zerahemnah that he took off his scalp and it fell to the earth. And Zerahemnah withdrew from before them into the midst of his soldiers.

Psalms 78:64
Their priests fell by the sword; and their widows made no lamentation.

Doctrine and Covenants 121:5
Let thine anger be kindled against our enemies; and, in the fury of thine heart, with thy sword avenge us of our wrongs.

Revelation 19:2
And the remnant were slain with the sword of him that sat upon the horse, which sword proceeded out of his mouth: and all the fowls were filled with their flesh.

Isaiah 2:4
And he shall judge among the nations, and shall rebuke many people: and they shall beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruninghooks: nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more.

Now that I've tricked you into 5 minutes of scripture study on swords, please share any new insights you now have about this scriptural chain and its implication for Zion in TEOWTWAWKI.

Top 20 Quotable Comedies

In case I die tomorrow I want my kids to know what movies made me laugh out loud. Comedies never seem to get ultimate critical praise and "great" movies are often judged by how often they make you come back for another viewing. For me, the most re-watchable movies are comedies and I practically live some of them by quoting them on a non-stop basis. Some films which are more crass than others rank lower as you can't quote them in many settings (if at all). One could say the quotability measures the greatness of a comedy. So with that in mind, I now give my top 20. But before I begin, I'll start with some honorable mentions:


Honorable mentions:
Anchorman
Austin Powers
Waiting for Guffman

20. Dr. Strangelove - No yelling in the war room! We must protect our bodily fluids...

19. Blazing Saddles - Badges? We don't need no stinking badges!

18. Clue - You see? Like the Mounties, we always get our man. / Mrs. Peacock was a man?

17. Airplane - Surely you can't be serious! / I am serious... and don't call me Shirley.

16. The 3 Amigos - Would you say I have a PLETHORA of Pinatas?

15. Fletch Lives - Look out you demons, DEMONS OUT!!!

14. Happy Gilmore - You like THAT old man? You want a piece of ME? / I don't want a PIECE of you... I want the whole THING!

13. Zoolander - I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is. / What is this?? A center for ants?!?

12. UHF - Lesbian Nazi Hookers Abducted by UFOs and Forced Into Weight Loss Programs... all next week on Town Talk!

11. The Princess Bride - It's possible, Pig, I might be bluffing. It's conceivable, you miserable, vomitous mass, that I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. But, then again... perhaps I have the strength after all.

10. Dumb & Dumber -  I'll tell you where. Someplace warm. A place where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I'm talking about a little place called Aspen.

9. Robin Hood (Disney) - SEIZE THE FAT ONE!!!

8. Spaceballs -  I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate. / What's that make us? / Absolutely Nothing!

7. Better off Dead - Two dollars! / I've been going to this high school for seven and a half years. I'm no dummy. / Now that's a real shame when folks be throwin' away a perfectly good white boy like that.

6. Ferris Buller's Day Off - Oh, he's very popular Ed. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies, dickheads - they all adore him. They think he's a righteous dude. / The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands. It's a good non-specific symptom; I'm a big believer in it. A lot of people will tell you that a good phony fever is a dead lock, but, uh... you get a nervous mother, you could wind up in a doctor's office. That's worse than school. You fake a stomach cramp, and when you're bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It's a little childish and stupid, but then, so is high school.

5. Napoleon Dynamite - Your mom goes to college / I see you're drinking 1%. Is that 'cause you think you're fat? /  It's pretty much my favorite animal. It's like a lion and a tiger mixed... bred for its skills in magic. / This is pretty much the worst movie ever made.

4. Monty Python & the Holy Grail - Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony. / What are you gonna do, bleed on me? / VICTORY IS MINE! / And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths, and carp and anchovies, and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit-bats and large chu... SHUT UP WILL YOU SHUT UP!!!

3. Nacho Libre - Did you tell them they were the Lord's Chips? / So, let's get down to the nitty-gritty / GET THAT CORN OUTTA MY FACE! / Maybe I am not meant for these duties... dead guy duty. / Just because I believe in science / Anaconda squeeeeze! / Sometimes when you are a man... you wear stretchy pants.

2. Fletch (I'm biased, but with excellent reason) -  Moon River! whew.. You using the whole fist, Doc? / John Cock... tos... ton. / Look, defenseless babies! / Can I borrow your towel for a sec? My car just hit a water buffalo. / Provo Spain? ... Utah. / I'll have a Bloody Mary and a steak sandwich and... a steak sandwich, please. / Tierra Del Fuego! Fletch stands 6-5, 6-9 with the afro!

1. Christmas Vacation - Hey Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big? / Is your house on fire, Clark? / Burn some dust here. Eat my rubber. / Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead? / Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving throughout the entire year. / RUSS!! - right here dad.

The Parent Rap

Many thanks to the Lawyer Cougar for bringing this one to my attention.

I never realized I spent so much time making "cheese." We've definitely been there with stuffed animals in the rain. This rap was spot on in too many ways...

No Psycho Ex-Girlfriend? Same Problem

Last night BYU somehow was in a position to tie a game they had no business winning. And I would have been very happy to abuse Ute fans for LITERALLY blowing it for their team. Sad to say, how often do fans actually affect the outcome of a game? Leave it to the Muss to "Muff it."

But I digress, we lost and our opponent was missing their starting quarterback and running back. Generally in a tough rivalry game, that is a death sentence. But considering BYU's fragile psyche when playing the Utes, nothing surprises me. Over the last decade, the only way the Cougars seem to be able to win is through some ridiculous miracle. 

God's will or just the collective effect of frenzied minds? I'll take the latter. 

In the past, I've picked on Max Hall's ghastly performance against Utah and labeled him the Psycho Ex-Girlfriend. For the full bizarre explanation: http://fletchword.blogspot.com/search?q=psycho+ex. Some choice words from PExG after BYU's last win in the rivalry. 

"I don't like Utah. In fact, I hate them. I hate everything about them. I hate their program, their fans. I hate everything. It felt really good to send those guys home."
— Former BYU quarterback 

In football language, that is psycho-ex talk. Of course, this led to one of the coolest shirts ever for our rivals to wear. 

Despite my acidic comments about Max, the venerable keeper of all BYU Lore, the man who's lips always speak the words of BYU still ranks him #5 on his all time list of tossers at the Y. 

http://bleacherreport.com/articles/1303559-top-5-byu-quaterbacks-of-all-time

But Psycho-Ex didn't play in this game. However, over the last decade Max was the pure embodiment of a much, MUCH larger phenomenon. 

THE ENTIRE BYU PROGRAM SUFFERS FROM PSYCHO EX-GIRLFRIEND SYNDROME ON RIVALRY WEEK. 

How sad. If you've been watching these games, the U just comes out with superior intensity and poise for this match-up. They take risks and play like crusaders with Jerusalem at stake. Are they perfect? Of course not. But the Cougars act like they are too cool for it or this is business as usual or just rack up 6 false-starts like a bunch of pantie-waist idiots. Note for the O-line:

IF YOU CAN'T HEAR, LOOK AT THE DANG BALL BEFORE IT IS SNAPPED!!! IF D-LINEMEN CAN DO IT, SO CAN YOU!!!

When was the last time BYU dominated in this match-up? I can't recall and I leave it to Lore-Master Sucher to tell that tale (if he can get his cell phone working after hurling it at a helpless bag of chips after that blown snap. That play was pop-warner craptastic). 

Ultimately, I think it all comes down to Bronco. He does not have his team mentally or emotionally prepared for this game and it continues to show year after year in his tenure. You date the crazy girl because there are some amazing things she does in this rivalry. But like most psycho exes, I spend most of my time trying to forget... and weeping in a cold shower after lighting my clothes on fire.  

Never Check Your Religion at the Door

Apparently this dandy of a talk has been getting some buzz on Pinterest and Facebook. I, the Blogging Dinosaur now share it with you on my own terms.

As a recovering football player, I really love talks where the speaker gets a little fired up. Elder Holland is known to do that from time to time. I've decided to now refer to him as the Apostolic Coach or just Coach Holland. One thing he does so well is take a topic that seems vanilla, and then completely opens my understanding for our time and challenges. For any of you that would like some color on Zion's history and the Church today, I highly recommend this talk. Well worth the time.

http://www.lds.org/broadcasts/watch/ces-devotionals/2012/09?lang=eng

Mormon Piano Moment

This morning I stumbled across the following video and finally put it together that a piano artist I really enjoy on Pandora is behind this music and has an LDS background. I highly recommend his arrangements of the Hymns. But for those of you that loved LOST, this should be enjoyable. If you haven't seen Lost, not a big deal either, I recommend checking out the YouTube page where Paul Cardall tells the story of how his heart transplant and his brother's death inspired this arrangement of Life and Death.



Next up are the Piano Guys, who shoot some great videos, notably Cello wars. Why a group that features an ego-maniac on the Cello is called Piano guys is beyond me. My mother was listening to this song and I instantly recognized the "BOURNE" rhythm. Enjoy.

 

Fantasy Geek

This is what I just posted to my ESPN Fantasy Football League as a form of SHEER INTIMIDATION. Eat your heart out Terry Tate!

The Gloves are Coming Off

Posted: Aug 29, 12:48 AM

I just figured out how to do the auto-pick strategy.

I won't even begin to tell you guys about how much my Dungeon Master hated me once I figured out how to throw a throw a 20-sided die with enhanced dexterity.



Once I find a auto pilot for trades, bye weeks and everything else, I'll be on a roll.

Treasure in Heaven

I came across this video a few weeks ago and I've gone back to it several times to watch with my kids and family. It presents the story of John Tanner financially saving the Kirtland Temple and his critical support to the Kingdom in the early days of the church.

 

Most days I'm trying to make as much money as possible for my own family's needs and security. I gladly pay tithing, fast offerings and make other donations monetarily and with personal service. But after watching this I truly reached a deeper appreciation of the faith the early Saints had to place everything on the altar for God. I think my favorite part of the video was seeing Joseph's gratitude or a reflection of the Lord's appreciation when we give our all in His service with no thought of reward.

Phyllis Wisdom

This is very random, (surprise) but after hearing about Phyllis Diller's death today, I decided to look up some of her great quotes / one-liners. Here are eight pearls of wisdom:

1. A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. 
2. Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off. 
3. I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. 
4. My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. 
5. My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me. 
6. The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. 
7. We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
8. Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. 

Of Guns and Donuts

Yesterday I indulged in two of the greatest and most lethal freedoms available in America... AT THE SAME TIME.

But before I elaborate, its important to know the history of great combinations. Many years ago in a fictional place, a strikingly profound question was asked of a total Meat-head:

 

Since I'm not in the pillage and conquest business, instead of crushing and lamentation, I now turn to the modern-day equivalent: Shooting Guns and Eating Donuts.

This really is just about what it looked like.

Like their predecessors, both involve death, or at least the possibility of death, which is a MUST for a real man to be interested. Stoners and pot-heads dream of sticking it to the man with music and drugs (Oooooo). Hard-working men born of American spirit stick it not to some scary rich white-guy, but the Grim Reaper himself and defy his hold on their lives by shooting mountains of ammunition and eating copious amounts of donuts.

So I now answer for Conan and all men in the real, modern world:

"TO POUND YOUR DONUTS AND FEEL THE THUNDER OF THE AMMUNITION!"

The Dark Side

It is with DEEP SHAME I admit I had not seen this until a few seconds ago. Thank you Shaunz.



I have to admit this guy does have some bizarre comedic talent.


Enough with the sports so boring we can only stand them once every four years... GIVE ME SOME FOOTBALL!!!