Road Trip Part Deux

The second half of my summer vacation has come and gone. It was great to see the fam in So Cal. Here are some random thoughts:

• "Total Lobster Dude" - Since my time in the sun was limited, I decided to wear SPF 4 Hawaiian Tropics competition formula sunscreen to maximize my tanning moments. Yes it smells good, made me hungry for Pina Coladas, but an ultra white boy like me just can't do that much sun in two days. Back in the day, a friend of my sister's was awarded the title of "TOTAL LOBSTER" by some surfers in California. I now claim the title, but I'm too sore to lift my arms over my head.
• Beverage Destruction - Enchanted by the ineffective tanning lotion, I decided to make some triple extra virgin Pina Coladas. Ever since I paid through the nose for a mega-virgin $8 Pina Colada in Maui (with a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup on top), I've sought to re-create that amazing beverage again. However, this was a sad attempt my friends. My Pineapple juice was not sweet enough, the coconut milk came from a bad cow and I think the Beverage gods frowned upon the whole thing. Toward the end of blending, the machine groaning beneath the sickening foam gave up the ghost and broke. Others drank it to spare my feelings as I wallowed in deep virgin P.C. shame.
• Duex Mas - Never watch Lakeiew Terrace and Taken back-to-back. It will crush your spirit and fluffy bunnies. To be fair, Taken was a totally awesome movie. Qui-Gon Jinn as he was meant to be. Not since Commando has one man opened up a can righteous indignation with such ruthless results!!! [elbow smashing - YEAH!!]. Needless to say, late at night Julie will find me awake, staring into the mirror, while reciting:

"I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you."

• Captain Christopher Pike - This guy would make the best Priest's Quorum advisor ever...His speech to a wayward youth would go something like this: "Your old man baptized 50 people in Afghanistan. You could settle for less than a spiritual life. I dare you to do better. Enlist to serve a mission."
• The Historian - This has nothing to do with my road trip, but was a fantastic book about several historians searching for clues to find the real Dracula's tomb. I don't scare too much, but this one freaked me out a bit. Good suspense, interesting story. Check it out for an alternative to the "Edward, you are so dripping H-O-TT Hot!" Twilight stuff. BTW, is anyone left on Team Jacob?

Cheers to each and every one of you staying cool and having a great summer.

Turning Chinese

I often hear of people in the world complaining about American influence on their culture. Since our culture is pure, awesome and undiluted American goodness, I have no idea what its like to have another culture pervade my daily life. However, the following clip gives us a taste of what life will be like once the rapidly growing Chinese economy engulfs our own:

Personally, I don't think I'd mind having a ton of ultra productive women running around. Let's all head down to P.F. Chang's and make a toast to turning Chinese.

Road Trip Part 1

My family makes an annual migration to So. Cal and visits relatives along the way. I'm taking a siesta from the trip to go home and WORK. Here are a few thoughts from the trip so far:

• "Actually, this is my song." Thanks RIAA. My kids definitely got the message that music is property, not art. Nearly every song we played in the car was claimed by one of the kids. Once claimed, no one else can sing it (contrary to parental rules). They fought tooth and nail over every line of Elton's "Yellow Brick Road." As you may have guessed, we gave up on music until the crew fell asleep.
• The Female Mind - During a road trip, many random things wind up in Mom's purse. The question is whether or not you can find that item later. I've decided that a woman's purse is like her mind. To a man, it is total chaos; an unknowable abyss of stuff. Its been said 'women don't know what they want.' If so, I say Eureka! This explains why a purse seems to be an impossible labyrinth, reflecting a woman's state of mind. No wonder the "Man Bag" never worked out for Seinfeld. Like wallets, men are small minded, neatly compartmentalized and stripped down to essentials. Of course a few of us get lazy about cleaning out the wallet and we get fat. If I could easily find items in my wife's purse, it would mean I finally understand her mind. Clearly this will never happen in this lifetime.
• Red Rock Resort - Since the day it was built south of my former residence in Summerlin, I've been wanting to stay at this hotel. Thanks to 10 wonderful years with my beautiful wife, we had a good excuse to drop the kids with family and visit this hotel. I love modern architecture and contemporary furnishings so this was a perfect retreat for me. The pool was very comfortable and tame by Vegas standards. One of the best hotel experiences I've ever had. The wife reported the spa to be amazing and is plotting a return trip. 5 Stars in my humble traveler's opinion. A perfect anniversary. It took 10 years, but I finally got something right. http://www.redrocklasvegas.com/virtual_tour/

I'll rejoin the expedition later next month in So Cal, away from the breath of Satan that punishes the Las Vegas area. Until then, keep on claiming songs and threaten all who dare to sing them.

P.S. I realize my purse thing is a GROSS COGNITIVE DISTORTION. But I welcome all angry, bitter and salty feminazi comments. I'll read them as I splash on some Brute aftershave.

The Father's Lounge

Before you dismiss my proposal, just hear me out. In the modern era of gender equality and our preaching this doctrine; I think its time Father's Lounges were installed in all chapels. Women think they have a good reason to use them (see below), but I have a host of reasons why men need them too.

• Men sometimes have to feed babies too. This is very intimate bonding time that should be enjoyed without distractions. Plus falling asleep during the feeding in a comfy chair would help work productivity during the week.
• A nice quite room out of the public eye is a much better place to teach rowdy kids about "the laying on of hands" than dragging them out to the car.
• It would make an excellent place for the Bishop to catch a 15 minute power nap in the middle of a long day.
• The FL could also serve as a decompression chamber for the father about to loose his temper.
• We could get some of those awesome $5,000 sharper image massage chairs for worn-out dads that couldn't pay to get a back-rub at home.
• Men would have a place to talk sports, work and vent frustrations about our modern culture treating them as drone ATM machines and IKEA credit cards. Let's face it. This sort of meaningful discussion doesn't happen enough during moves.
• The FL would have awesome La-Z boy recliners with in seat speakers to hear talks as if they were right in their ears. The absorption of messages could increase 10 fold.
• Changing diapers in the FL would save the rest of the guys from having the reek in the regular men's room.
• Informal meetings could get tons accomplished, BBQ's, pizza parties and other ways to blow the $20 EQ budget could be arranged.
• While changing diapers in the FL, men would be free to utter phrases of shock, awe and the unintentional swear word after a massive blow-out. He'd also spare himself the jokes from deacons and disapproving stares from "has-been" dads as they shake their heads.
• The emotional comfort to the guy who lost his tree-house in a fire and now has a new "fort of security" could be a boon of celestial wonder.

Feminist Mormon Housewives agree:

"I reflected in the breastfeeding incident thread that I believe the mothers’ room at church to be the place in LDS chapels where some of the most important work of the kingdom is done...The rite of passage to motherhood including birth and adoption stories are shared and integrated. Baby showers, playdates, and moms’ nights out are arranged. Parenting exasperations and joys are shared, advice requested and given, different approaches discussed, tips about second-hand stores, preschools, etc. passed on. When our new chapel was built, I heard rumors that some of the stake leaders (women included) commented that they didn’t want to make the mother’s lounge TOO comfortable for fear that young mothers would “take advantage of it” and skip their meetings “just to chat” instead of taking care of their business (nursing, diaper changing) expeditiously and returning to their meetings. Heaven forbid mothers should bear each other’s mothering burdens, too! Well, no great harm done. In spite of the physical discomforts and disadvantages (stinky diaper pails included), the mothers’ room remains a haven, a community center, even sacred space." http://www.feministmormonhousewives.org/?p=373

If women consider these place sacred, then men should not be denied equal opportunity to these blessings! By now I'm sure you are convinced. Join me. Let's email a petition with the yes votes from my poll to SLC and request a remodel of all chapels world-wide to accommodate this essential need. I hear that sort of thing works all the time! And by the way, my wife is totally in favor of this. I love you baby! Wooo!!!

My Take on The Half-blood Prince

I'm fresh off viewing the latest Harry Potter flick, The Half-blood Prince. A very well done film and of course when it comes to adaptation, some things were right, others not. (At least from my perspective.) If you haven't read the books or want to keep adaptation surprises fresh, don't read further. If you haven't done so, read the books. Half the planet can't be wrong.

As with all of the Potter films, this one feels incredibly rushed to someone who has read the books. As a result, there are fine details or nuances I've built into scenes and characters that I miss on screen. HBP's trade mark is the teenage infatuation or puppy love moments. Snogging. Books convey thoughts and emotions with much more power and clarity, rather than trying to read an actor's face (Twilight a good example of this - too much of it). Likewise, Harry's anger, sense of loneliness and realizations of who he is are also hard to get out of Radcliffe, although I can't say an actor could do a finer job.

The opening sequences with the Death Eaters went well and I thought Michael Gambon (Dumbledore) turned in a wonderful performance. His work in the cave sequence was excellent. Most of that passage was exactly as I imagined it. Drinking all of the "Bitter Cup" in an act of sacrifice, was very powerful to me. Additionally, the Felix scene (perhaps my favorite in all the books), while impossible to replicate on screen worked well for me.

I can live with most of the modifications in this movie but the ending sequence didn't do justice. In the book, Dumbledore paralyzes Harry before he is killed. Harry has to watch Dumbledore die in a state of total helplessness. Much more effective than watching from below. Later a huge battle errupts in the castle between the DE's and the Order as well as some students. Severe harm is inflicted on many characters. In the film version, a few acts of vandalism occur, but the sudden violation of the Hogwarts safe haven and the devastation left in its wake seemed grossly understated in the film. The raising of the wands to abolish the dark mark seemed a reasonable substitute for the funeral.

Overall, I have mixed feelings. I really did enjoy the film, perhaps I just need time to digest this alternate idea of the story. If anything, this film has made me very happy that the 7th book will be split into two movies so adequate time can be given to the details, as I'm sure most fan will savor them. Until November 2010.

Double the Pleasure

Recently something my native Colorado blood called out to me and I felt compelled to hike some of the 53 peaks in Colorado over 14,000 ft. Heeding the call, I helped organize a non-sanctioned event yesterday to assault Gray's Peak and the neighboring Torreys Peak, some of the easiest hikes on the list. Here is a brief run-down of how it went:

• 7:10 AM - Arrived last at the trail head. Shawn, Mark and Paul greet me with smiles and tell me we'll have to double-time it to catch up with the others.
• 5 minutes later I am winded and wondering what I've gotten myself into.
• 15 minutes later I meet up with the rest of the pack consisting of Kevin, Bryce, Jake (the Juggernaut) and Jared. (FYI - I don't do full names on my blog).
• Shortly after hiking with the entire group, I realize I'm the weakest link and will be happy to reach the summit with them.
• I gravitate to the back of the pack and take in some of the gorgeous scenery. Lord of the Rings music echoes in my mental ipod.
• 10:30 AM - We reach the summit of Gray's Peak (14,270 ft.) to follow the journey, click on this link: http://www.14ers.com/php14ers/qpick.php?parmpeak=9 and go to routes. The views are remarkable. Regrettably, I did not stand on the rocks, fling my arms into the air and scream: "DRAAAAAGOOOOOOO!!!"
• Succumbing to peer pressure (or provoking it), I decide to go down about 1,000 ft and tackle the neighboring Torreys Peak (14,267 ft.). This ascent is more direct and taxing since the body is ready to keep going down.
• Around 11:30 AM we achieve the summit of Torreys and relax a bit. I chatted with a gentleman who has done all but six of the 53 14er's. He tells me these were his first two peaks when he started years ago and he was out of shape just like me.
• Descending to the saddle of the two peaks, we find a slushy snow field to get back to the main trail. One bad slip and its onto the human cheese grater of rocks below. (Of course, I'm crazy enough to get a photo in the middle of this.)
• Blessed with shock absorbers for knees, I bound down the trail and arrive back at the trail head around 1:40 PM.

This hike is very crowded but I didn't find that to be annoying. If anything, I enjoyed the universal feel of camaraderie among people working at a similar goal. I was stunned at the number of dogs on the trail. Ultra Sweat-proof SPF 70 still earns you a sunburn at 14,000 ft. The following link gives some more details about 14er's in Colorado: http://climbing.about.com/od/mountainclimbing/a/Fourteeners1.htm

Going up I was wondering what I'd done to myself and coming down I was thinking about which one to take on next. Perhaps the lack of oxygen and heavy breathing made me temporarily insane. But here I am the day after wanting to do more. If you would like to get involved in the next mission, shoot me an email. Until next time, happy trails to you, until we meet again.

Drenched Freedom

Greetings from Denver, Washington! I suppose I can blame my friend Tom for bringing the rain from Seattle with him when he moved back to town. I wouldn't be surprised to find Dr. Cullen and his impossibly good looking children move in across the street given all the rain and cloud cover. Of course I won't complain since I live in a house with no A/C and no house fan. Here are some thoughts from the 4th of July weekend on events and some flicks.

• UP - Took in the latest Pixar offering over the weekend. I thoroughly enjoyed it. An older man looses his childhood sweetheart after a happy life, but they were unable to have children. After his wife dies, he vows to live the adventure they never took and he winds up in South America via a ton of colorful helium filled balloons. One thing I was not prepared for: tears. Yes. I shed a few in this movie. In fact, when Julie looked over said, "are you crying?" I started to laugh at myself. Several sequences are non-verbal, allowing the music and facial expressions to carry the scene. Yes, its just a cartoon, but the message and the emotions were superb. Perhaps earlier in my life it would have been less stirring, but as I approach the 10 year anniversary, I can only imagine what the loss feels like after 40 or 50 years. I'm making it sound so serious. Like most Pixar works, there is a fun, whimsical feel to the movie that my kids loved. Especially the short at the beginning and the talking dogs. Overall, I'd say this is in my top 3 of Pixar "classics."
• Fore! - On the 3rd I went golfing for the first time in my life with my own set of clubs (which shall remain nameless). Despite the empowerment from my own clubs, my game still stunk. At least I had the "UT" clubs to help me along. I initially thought of them as the Utah clubs, giving me the power of both Zion and Mecca in one swing. But then Adam informed me that UT, just means utility club. I was sorely disappointed. Best part of the nine holes? I found a gold painted ball. My short game still stunk using it, but failure never looked so cool.
• Poor Man's Horseshoe's - On the 4th, we went to a friends house with a large backyard for a BBQ. Thanks to a simply amazing canopy, the rain did not deter the event. As the rain cleared, we began to play a game similar to horseshoes, but with bean bags, thrown onto boards with a hole cut out. If the bag lands on the board its 1 point, in the hole, 3 points. I'll spare all of the rules, etc. but can say it was a highly addictive game. I nearly screamed in anguish after blowing a 9-2 lead (the game is played to 11 points).
• World Trade Center - I watched this on the 4th to remember sacrifices made on 9/11. The movie would be more appropriately titled, "Buried under the World Trade Center." This was a difficult movie to watch. Not because it was poorly made, but it is based on a true story of 2 Port Authority cops that get buried in the rubble of the first tower. A living nightmare. Much of the movie is them talking and flash-backs of their families trying to get information about them. There are no high-tech special effects shots of the planes slamming into the buildings or fast-paced action sequences in stairwells etc. At first, I was a bit disappointed, but realized the filmmakers stuck to the story and avoided sensationalizing the violence. Many have said that anti-war movies like Platoon and Full Metal Jacket glorify the violence and instead of horrifying us, it becomes "war porn" to young men who think the action is exciting if not comical. So in that sense, this movie shows the sufferings and the horrors of the day, without glorifying the violence. And when help does come it is truly a wonderful thing to watch.
• Patriots - Lastly, the WTC movie made me realize something those cops have in common with our early patriots and all who have fought for our freedom. They put their lives on the line so others might live. Not for honor or glory, but because it was the right thing to do. In doing so, these men truly exemplified the love and courage of Christ. "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." So at the conclusion of a wonderful holiday, where I enjoyed so many blessings, I'd like to express my gratitude for those who have served and those currently working to protect our rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. May God bless them and their families for their sacrifices and may we never forget what has been done for us.

I can hardly believe 2009 is halfway spent and you just lost a good chunk of it if you read this far. So eat your orange wedges, listen to the coach yell and may each of you find success in the second half!

Mo-Tabs Rock Red Rocks

As a proud Denver native I feel deep shame to admit I've never been to Red Rocks until this evening. It is a simply stunning venue with majestic views of the foothills and Denver. Not to mention the unique acoustics provided by the massive rock formations. Throw in a world class choir, perfect weather, thunderstorms in the distance and a transcendent musical experience is born.

Many of you may be thinking an evening with Mack and the Mo-Tabs would be a dull round of hymns with gaudy organ work. A fight to stay awake and maintain dignity. Far from it. I've been to Mo-Tab Concerts before, but never like this performance.

The choir performed everything from classical masterpieces to old-time spirituals to Island music. Much of it was upbeat and rousing, but well complimented by more somber spiritual pieces. The choir had a soloist offer an animated and very soulful rendition of "I want Jesus to Walk With Me" that brought the house down. I've never heard people hoot, holler and cheer like that before during a Mo-Tab song. I can't believe I'm going to say this, but it was electrifying. I could even see silent bursts of lightning in the distance as he sang. This was shortly followed by an organ solo that was done almost entirely by foot at a fast pace, which also brought the crowd to roars of applause. I was stunned and overjoyed at the scene.

Surreal as venue, the music and the moment, at the beginning of the concert it was announced that the Prophet, Thomas Monson had decided to attend. Nearly 30 feet away he rose to a standing ovation. It was a pleasure to stand and cheer for God's prophet in public and to see so many others do likewise. The Spirit flooded the amphitheater at that time and set a remarkable tone. Jim Gassman, the friend I owe many thanks to for inviting me made an insightful comment that it must be a treat for the Prophet to actually watch the choir rather than just hear them over his shoulder in conference.

Seriously, this could be one of the greatest musical events I've ever witnessed. I'm not sure I ever want to see anything else at Red Rock to spoil the memories I now have. I'd tell you to go see them the next time they are in your area, but I'm not sure that performance can be topped. To make things even sweeter, we somehow zipped out before traffic and made it home in record time. All in all, a genuinely transcendent evening.

Who's Bad?

The King is dead. I'm no major Michael Jackson fan, but I've always enjoyed his classics: Thriller, Billie Jean, Beat it, Bad, The Girl is Mine (feat. Paul McCartney) the list goes on. I don't really care about how he died, but now that he has gone on to that big never-never land ranch in the sky, I'd like to share a few quotes from my elders about the self-proclaimed King of Pop:

Grandma Fletcher [in a moment of disgust]: "Ooooohhhh that Micheal Jackson!"

Mom [went something like this]: "Isaiah says that in the last days men shall call bad good and good bad. This Michael Jackson is doing that! This is the end of the word."

(It basically went like that... I won't even begin to tell you about the time she pulled out the lyrics on my Dr. Feelgood Motley Crue album. Needless to say, no mother should ever read aloud their lyrics)

Jackson gave us some great moments. I'd say he was one of the most influential music video artists ever, with Thriller and that SICK dance. Best. Dance. Ever.

If I could have one day of coordination, I'd do the thriller dance and the Moon-walk for at least 2 hours. I'd also throw in a high-pitched, Wooooo! The rest would be spent break-dancing and playing basketball like a real person.

Will I miss the guy? Absolutely not. The man was done 15 years ago, along with his face. I almost find his death to be an act of mercy to himself, his surgeon, tabloid reporters, those veiled kids and Macaulay Culkin. R.I.P. Michael, may you be able to wear your sparkly glove into heaven.

Its Miller Time!!

For those of you who lived in Denver in the spring/summer of 1991, you will undoubtedly remember the invasion of the Miller Months. Its happening again, but not to the extent of what took place in 1991. When it comes to insects, I'm usually a kill first and ask questions later guy. But this time around, I find the phenomenon interesting.

The moths are following an annual migration pattern from the Great Plains to the cooler Rockies during hot summer months. Since Denver became Seattle in recent months with a ton of rain and cooler weather, our dusty friends have decided to stay and get Miller Time started early.

My kids detest, despise and loathe the months with a murderous passion. Feeding on their fear and anger like a crazed Sith Lord, I assaulted and killed nearly 40 months in a single evening until 2AM to get some peace back in the galaxy. Finally the Supreme Commander made me stop since I kept waking her up with my incessant death-strokes. The carnage in bathroom sink was nothing short of desolation on an Ammonihah scale. I'm sure the scent was very troubling to them.

Am I proud of my blood-bath? Not really, but I can't remember the last time I went on such a killing spree since I was 11 with a magnifying glass.

Intermission

A friend of mine recently reviewed the flick, Austrailia and the issue of the length of the movies came up. Movies are getting longer, yet there are no scheduled potty breaks or chances to stretch our legs, even savor the moment of being out at the movies.

Return of the King may historically be remembered not for winning best picture, but for setting the standard as the ultimate test of bladder strength at 3 hours 20 minutes. So how come we've done away with intermission? The SFGate has some ideas:

"The last intermission in a mainstream movie bisected "Gandhi" in 1982. The breaks were discontinued so more screenings could be packed into the day. Also, multiplexes were emerging in the early 1980s. Intermissions make it hard to keep track of multiplex patrons -- who could take advantage of the extra traffic to sneak into several movies without paying.

For a long time the disappearance of intermissions wasn't much of a problem. But in the past half-decade, the amount of 180 minutes-plus movies seems to be increasing to a level not seen since the early 1970s.

The biggest blow for the peanut-bladdered masses came in 1997, when "Titanic" was released. Even at a bloated 194 minutes, the movie still became the top-grossing film of all time, taking in close to $2 billion worldwide -- and dispelling the notion that long films are money risks."

So once again, we have the great Satan, CORPORATE AMERICA to blame for no intermission and strained bladders. Needless to say, I doubt an evening at the movies with a refreshing intermission will ever return, though it should.

Here are two intermission treats for you (watch them sequentially for the right effect):

BACON

My younger brother "Cougar Abogado" used to have a very refined sense of taste and would only order menu items if they included Bacon. Some people would call that picky. I call it taking a stand for what you believe in. Thanks to his unyielding will for sizzling pork, he earned the moniker "LORD BACON" and we've loved him for it ever since. The following stand-up routine is a tribute to you L.B., may all your Fillet Minions be wrapped in Bacon.

Michael Scott: I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon. Sue me. And since I don't have a butler I have to do it myself... so, most nights before I go to bed I will lay out 6 strips of bacon out on my foreman grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again, then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious, it's good for me, it's a perfect way to start the day. Today I got up, I stepped on to the grill and it clamped on to my foot. That's it. I don't see what's so hard to believe about that.

Here is the bacon alarm clock in all its glory:

Tired

I've been working like crazy over the last two weeks and it will continue next week. Heck, I should be working now, but I need a little blogging R&R. Naturally, the main symptom of working too much is getting very tired. But its not just work that is doing it to me. Here are a few other things that have made me tired in the last two weeks.

1. The Gorilla Diet - Thanks to Oprah and the Wizard of Oz, the Supreme Commander and I decided to try eating 11 lbs of vegetables and fruits every day for 10 days. I lasted about 3. Don't get me wrong, I love produce and am often criticized for wolfing down fistfuls of parsley, kale, peppers, cauliflower and broccoli. But living without complex carbs is a sin. God said, "Wheat is for man." Perhaps not the bleached, enriched stuff, but boy was he not kidding. I'm now convinced Dr. Atkins must have worshiped the devil in his free time when he wasn't pounding five hamburger patties for breakfast. Carbs really are our best energy source (IMHO) and to live without them is to be very tired.

Another problem with the Gorilla Diet is that its too easy to break. I went to a festive summer party and was tempted by the aroma of 25 bratwursts simmering on the grill. I thought to myself, "a gorilla would eat this if he could" and so I did. Yep, it all went downhill from there. But I don't feel completely exhausted anymore and I still love me some produce.

2. Kobe Bryant - I respect the game and his drive to win. But what am I really tired of? All the acting. For starters, STOP YOUR WHINING!!! I've never seen a guy try to draw so much contact and yet complain EVERY SINGLE time a foul is not called. It is absolutely ridiculous and he appears to believe he can influence the refs, because he can. This has nothing to do with my Nugz, just ask anyone who is not a Laker fan. Next, he makes this "Tiger Snarl" face all of the time. Jordan's tongue was cool; this is not. It makes him look like a whiny little brat, which by all his acting, he most certainly is. Pouring more salt into my wound are his speeches and interviews during and after games. All this talk about toughness and pulling his team along from the ultimate whiner make me want to puke. Its like he's got some PR guy in a closet writing bad ESPN classic interview dialogue for him. I'm a bit jaded, but nearly everything he says feels like a cheese grater on my face. Finally, I'm tired of the hype. At least Le Bron didn't make it to the finals so all of those idiotic puppet commercials could die.

3. Movies - I used to be able to stay awake for anything. I almost hated that I couldn't fall asleep. Thanks to the Gorilla Diet and becoming a workaholic, I can't finish anything. Example: I rented Star Trek II The Wrath of Khan, supposedly the best Star Trek of age and nodded off. At least I made it to the part where Kirk screams KHAAAANNNNNN! into his walkie. I dare say its the greatest Kirk moment in cinema and you must watch this: http://animated.ytmnd.com/. I even watched the scream in slow motion and laughed the whole way through. The other flick that put me out? The Way We Were. I know, I know. What was I thinking? A movie with Barbara Streisand where she's a pinko communist? I made it about 15 minutes into that flick and gratefully passed out. I'll just have to sing the song in a super-sillious manner in the future. And yes, I think I just made up the word Sillious.

4. Silver Lining - To savor my tired state, I've listened to the Soggy Bottom Boys song "I Am a Man of Constant Sorrow" and "Are the Good Times Really Gone Forever?" over and over. Ya'll, country music really does soothe a tired, worn out soul.

You are probably now tired of me so I'm now tired of you and I'm going to quit. Have a nice life and stay tired my friends.

End of the Road

That about sums it up. The Nuggets are done. Best season ever, and it ended with a reminder... Hey, these are the Denver Nuggets [SMACK]. Despite the horrid exit, I couldn't be happier, we have an off season to get better (get rid of K-mart) and get ready to smack others around next year, like the THUGetts we are (minus K-mart). WOOOOO! I say we need to get rid of... K-mart, let AC go and of course resign the Bird man, just so we can see new tats and hair-do's.

Honestly, I'm still so ticked I don't want to think about the game. The Nuggets did a self-fulfilling prophecy with the officiating. They played like they would be whistled and it showed. They let Confucius and Kobe's Oscar worthy whining get to them. Here they are mocking us at the end.

After watching the game, in disgust I changed the channel to Discovery and said "I want to watch something die." What showed up? Salmon trying to get past big bad Grizzly Bears. PERFECT! The following picture from the folks at Despair sums it up even better.

Sad to see it end, but very hopeful for next year. GO NUGGETS!!

Milestone - 100 Posts!!!

Why am I excited about this? Its proof I've actually stuck to something for several years on a semi-consistent basis. Now only if I could apply such intestinal fortitude to other areas of my life... oh well one step at a time.

The 100th episode mark is frequently cited in entertainment industry and popular media as a key number for enabling a modern series to enter syndication. MWHAHAHAH! If only it were true for lowly bloggers. Let's face it. I'm only followed by a few family members so they can spare me feelings of rejection. Geez, talk about throwing a bucket of cold chum on my own party. Anyways, happy 100! and may I make it to 1,000,000,000 posts with the help of mechanical organs that will allow me to defeat the aging process and the seeds of death.

LOST - What Will Happen

Here are my prior predictions (among several) I made about Lost in my April 2008 Nostra-fletch-a-damus revelation. I'll comment in red on how my predictions are coming. SERIOUS SPOILER STUFF. DO NOT READ IF YOU EVER INTEND TO WATCH THIS SHOW ON DVD - WHICH I HIGHLY RECCOMEND YOU DO IF YOU DON'T FOLLOW THE SHOW.

5. LOST [Pounding Sound] - Here is what will happen ultimately in this show. Jack and Kate with the help of Ben and Sayid will break into Faraday's Oxford lab and take 3 super-humans who can see dead people, travel through time and dodge bullets back to the island for VENGEANCE. Hey, they did go back to Faraday's lab, the survivors have been traveling through time, dodging bullets, Hurley still sees dead people as do others on multiple occasions, Jake and Sawyer and Sayid take beatings like super-humans. Sayid takes Vengeance on Ben by shooting him. AM I A GENIUS OR WHAT????

There they will use all of the ancient Dharma fortresses to defeat the monster and the evil corporate Mr. Widmore. Many sort-of joined Dharma and now know the stations and will be able to do this in the finals season. Its all set up. WOOOO!!!

John Locke will die in the process while using all his powers granted by the Island. Ben will be killed by his own greed and fall into a pit of Lava like Gollum. John is still dead. Right? Wrong. He is still destined to make the ultimate sacrifice. Ben is still on the path of a Gollum death. [Yessssssss....]

In the aftermath, scientists will go to the island and discover the cure for cancer, the ability to render all atomic bombs useless, and how to time travel back to previous days in a person's life. But the most stunning result will be the key to picking lottery numbers. Once this happens, people will win the lotto so much that it will be closed. As the real source of public school funding, the educational system will collapse, the rising generation will become cannibals; and consequently, not solve global warming and the earth will be flooded by icebergs. Then Kevin Costner's vision of Water World will become a reality. I don't remember how that movie ended (because I shut it off) so you'll have to tell me how it ends. (I'm amazed you read this far....) Considering my prior successes, as outlandish as my "Water World" secnario is, it could still happen. Never fall asleep on NOSTRA-FLETCH-A-DAMUS!!!

New Predictions

Jacob has a very old mystery friend that wants to cut his heart out via a loophole. Want to know who he is? THE SMOKE MONSTER. [duh dun dahahahaha!!!]

Of course I'm not the only one with such theories. Here are few links that may be of interest.

http://www.docarzt.com/lost-discussion/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=1870

http://www.buddytv.com/articles/lost/lost-who-is-jacobs-enemy-28664.aspx

Whew! That saved me from a bunch of typing. I don't think these guys are God and the Devil. I predict that Jacob really is the good guy (I know I'm out on a limb here) and Smokey is acting as a defense mechanism that hates Jacob for not protecting the Island from humans. I'm also convinced this is a Stargate-alien Egyptian thing going on. I predict that Jacob and Smokey are aliens that Egyptians believed to be gods. Here is a page about Jacob.

http://gwydir.demon.co.uk/jo/egypt/osiris.htm

Now one about Smokey.

http://gwydir.demon.co.uk/jo/egypt/seth.htm

CAN YOU FEEL THAT BUDDY? HUH? HUH???

YESSSS!!! I HAVE EXERCISED THE DEMONS!!!

Man I'm good!!!

Hope you all enjoy waiting FOREVER to see how it all ends [thudding sound].

Sign of the Apocalypse II

In 2007 the Colorado Rockies made an improbable run through the end of the regular season and swept the first two rounds of the playoffs. It was a miracle! Until they were destroyed by the Boston Red Sox in a world series sweep. Like Sports Illustrated, I called the run a sign of the Apocalypse that a team as historically bad as the Rockies could sweep two playoff series and make it to the world series.

Apparently they must have changed something major in the Denver Matrix because the same Deja-vu thing appears to be happening with our other historically bad franchise, the Denver Nuggets. Hot run to end the season, strong performance in two playoff rounds, now likely to face a serious title contender in the L.A. Lakers. Are the boys from Auraria Parkway headed for the same fate as the Blake Street bunch? I say no. Here are some reasons why this Nuggets team is different from the Cinderella Rockies.

1. Captain Obvious says: "Its a different sport!" To say the downfall of the Rockies is guaranteed for the Nugz is merely supported by superstition or bad sports pop-psychology. But I'll start rubbing my lucky blue rabbit foot from the 3rd grade just in case. If you are still not convinced, I'll provide 5 more reasons.


2. Playoff experience. The Nugz have been to the playoffs and dismissed for 5 years in a row. Yes, that stinks, but they were consistently making it to the big dance and competing with the best at the next level. The last time the Rocks were in the playoffs prior to 2007? 1995.


3. Regular Season. The Nugz just completed back-to-back 50 win seasons for the first time in franchise history. That is not a fluke. It reflects consistently good management, coaching and play during the season and off-season. The Rockies had to win 14 games in a row to make it to the post season, with a dramatic a dramatic 1 game wild card playoff win over the Padres to enter the post season. The Nugz had the 4th best record in the NBA and earned a 2nd seed in the very competitive Western Conference for the playoffs. Not exactly the stuff of miracles, just consistently good work.


4. Star Power. Matt Holiday. Good, but is he really at the same level in his sport as Carmelo? Todd Helton. Good, but at the end of his career. Did the Rocks have any playoff seasoned player like Chauncy Billups? The man has now been to the conference finals 7 years in a row. The only people in the history of the NBA to do more are guys like Magic Johnson and Kareem Abdul Jabar from the Showtime Lakers. That's it. The man flat-out knows playoff basketball and earned the nick-name "Mr. Big Shot." By the way, he also was a Finals MVP on an under-dog team. I think our hometown hero offers significant leadership and credibility the Rocks were seriously lacking for a championship team.


5. Losses. Part of the Jinx for the Rocks was the "streak." Baseball is a mental game where stuff like that gets carried away. The Nugz have lost once in each series, bounced back and have no streak issues.


6. Margin of victory. In 7 playoff wins in 2007, the Rockies average margin of victory was 2.5 runs. Not bad, but they weren't killing anyone. In the Nugz eight playoff wins, their average margin of victory is 15.1 points. Wow. But guess what? That excludes the ridiculous blow-out of the Hornets on the road 121-63, a 58 point margin of victory. Include that win and the average margin of victory is 20.5 points per game. Astonishing. Effectively blowing out teams in two playoff series is a mighty feat indeed, and certainly no fluke. By the way, the two Nuggets losses? 2 points each.

Clearly, the Nuggets have significant advantages and have proven themselves worthy and capable of the moment. They didn't sneak into the dance, they were at the top of the guest list. They won't be running home at midnight, because they intend to own the palace when the dance is through. And for the first time in my life life, I think the Nugz have a chance to win it all. Getting past both Kobe and LeBron will be extremely difficult. But as the league loves to say: "This is where Amazing Happens."

The NBA Playoff song is "Every Day" on the left if you care to listen, or the Bulls Warm-up music if you need to get pysched. "Can you feel it?" Yes. I finally can. For a few good laughs on the Nugz playoff run, check out this link:

http://www.drewlitton.com/blog/basketball/

To Catch Osama

Clinton failed to do it. 'W' failed to do it. The most wanted man on the planet is still hiding in the mountains of Afghanistan. But not for long. In this post I will reveal a secret weapon the military doesn't realize they have at their fingertips:

A-LAMB

That's right, Adam Lambert. Why? In a prior post, I established him as the greatest metal singer of all-times. How could we use his talents? A little history lesson is in order:

In December of 1989, Bush the Senior invaded Panama to capture the "infamous" (more than famous) General Manual Noriega. The good general had fled to the the sanctuary of the church. In order to get him out, the army sent in a secret weapon: HEAVY METAL!

I know. It sounds ludicrous. Check out this link:

http://www.gwu.edu/~nsarchiv/nsa/DOCUMENT/950206.htm

Want to know what our boys played to drive this man to prison?

http://bigpicture.typepad.com/writing/2004/09/the_rock_n_roll.html

Here are my personal favorites. If A-lamb were to sing these with a 1,000,000,000 watt amplifier at the foot of the mountains, Osama would surely beg for execution.

1. Hangin Tough - New Kids on the Block
2. Ironman - Black Sabbath (no doubt OBL has seen the movie and hated it)
3. Naughty, Naugty - Danger Danger (Oooooooo)
4. Now you're messin with an S.O.B - Nazareth
5. Run to the Hills - Iron Maiden (note my prior post. A-lamb singing this is destiny!)
6. Star Spangled Banner - Jimi Hendrix (I know, A-lamb will just imitate the guitar sounds)
7. They're coming to take me away - Henry VIII
8. Youth gone wild - Skid Row
9. Screaming for vengeance - Judas Priest

Surely with this secret weapon the war on terror will permanently swing in our favor. The planets will align and hot fudge sundaes for everyone... forever and ever. Now that's a military operation I can cheer for!

Seeing the Future and Star Trek

I used to consider going to the movies alone as a sign of social dysfunction. But now that my life has reached new chaotic levels, going alone to a movie was a refreshing siesta from interpersonal communication. Especially when I'm attending the Landmark theater in Greenwood Village. Let me just say: this is the place in town to watch a movie. Slightly higher ticket price, but that includes unlimited popcorn and soda, very comfortable leather seats, and best of all, a classy, intimate setting that makes me feel like I'm an individual experiencing art; rather than lemming being fed a corporate product designed to return favorably to investors.


This evening I took in the new Star Trek film. As I predicted, this is the type of space-action film George Lucas should have made with the Star Wars prequels. This movie had good buzz going in and it lived up to and in some cases exceeded my expectations. Perhaps the greatest feat was the fresh but familiar portrayals of the characters, especially Kirk and Spock. Daunting task well met. Despite the fast pace of the film, the emotional tension was taut from start to finish. This movie had the human touch that the prequels lacked. The writers created a good vehicle for future films, that will allow freedom for new ideas and stories, without being slavishly bound to prior Trek work. In one word: Bravo. Two more? See it.

Being alone after a movie with no one to discuss the my thoughts, I got carried away on a recurring internal idea about the future. What if I could see (not meet) my future self in 20, 30 years? This hits me occasionally when driving around the place I grew up and now call home once again after a 12 year break. What if I could see myself now, when I was 10? Would it change the way I act? Of course. I'd take my faith, math and several other matters much more seriously. But to what end? If I outperformed my future self would it be cheating the game of life? Perhaps I would be overzealous to improve my apparent future weaknesses and develop others instead? If I've learned anything in my short life, trials come regardless of our efforts to avoid or prepare for them.

Then my thoughts turned to what I would not change if I saw my future self. Surprisingly, I found this to be rather enjoyable as it made me realize how much I appreciate the people in my life. For starters, I would not attempt to change the sudden death of my father. Painful as it was, it undeniably shaped and deepened my character. I've learned things from him through our separation that I don't think I would have any other way. An easy second would be my lovely wife and our children. Friends along the way have been many and supportive, inspiring me to be better. Each relationship has a unique happiness. I'm sure I could achieve similar results in alternate futures, but I find I'm content with what I've been given. People and how I treat them matters most, not my career, pride or other accomplishments. Truly on Judgment Day my relationship with God or better put, with my family, friends and neighbors will be the primary focus.

Until then... Time to sign off of this entry in my Captain's log and wonder how you could have read this far on such an unusual post composed in the wee hours of the night.

Overdraft

I'm about to lay some serious sandpaper against the grain of the sports world. All week, whenever I tune into sports talk radio, Fox, ESPN, etc. all I hear about is the precious NFL draft. I think the draft has become the most over hyped, unnecessary "sports" event of the year. How could I say such a thing?! I understand the reasons for the draft being popular; the drama of teams trading up or down, watching players loose millions as they slide down the draft board, the marriage of the college and the pro game... its all gravy to me.

However, the draft is a symptom of what bugs me about our country right now. We're always looking for the next big thing and not appreciating what we have. All hype, no substance. 50% of all #1 QB picks in the modern era have been busts. Should I really give a hoot about who the next Ryan Leaf is? Call me once these players prove something in the NFL. Then I'll go back and see how they were drafted. As busy as most of us are, why do we care to know all about a bunch of no-name players that we'll hardly ever hear of again? Beats me.

Hardly anyone is watching after the first two rounds, but how many great players come from the later rounds of the draft that no one is watching? Terrel Davis? Tom Brady? These guys went late, proved themselves and became worthy of the nation's time and attention. You earn respect, rather than have it thrust upon you by ESPN and sponsors. Teams overpay for hype and potential that have not been proven. It sounds a great deal like our financial markets and the joke that is executive compensation. We seem to have no problem paying losers and failures millions. I don't care if some QB is the second coming of a franchise to restore them to glory. The only second coming I want to hear about is the biblical one.

Last point of angst - why must all other sports coverage suffer for what is the equivalent of a reality show? The producers that hype the draft should go work for MTV, VH1 and the E channel if that's their bag. At least its all over after today and we can get back to "sports" as players prove themselves in competition, not interviews and combines.

Filthy Food

I've been to a few heart-attack inducing clubs lately that must be shared.

While in the great state of Kansas, I decided it was time to experience the only thing Kansas is good for: BBQ. The web was searched and all signs pointed to: Hog Wild Pit BBQ. Many would chastise me for eating so much grease, but the following clip explains why I could not resist:

http://us.imdb.com/rg/VIDEO_PLAY/LINK//video/hulu/vi2603483161/

I arrived to find the place near capacity. Random country music serenaded my decision making process, setting me in a mellow mood. Wanting to be sure I tasted as much of the menu as possible, I ordered the 3 meat plate: Hot Links, Brisket and Ribs, accompanied by Texas Toast, Cole Slaw and Mashed Potatoes. [Monty Python holy grail ahhhhs sing in the background]

Within minutes the food was ready. Fast, Filthy & Fabulous. The "F" trifiecta. The hot sauce was phenomenal, not too sweet, some tang and a little heat to the tongue. The hot links were sensational when combined with the extra sauce. The sauce... I could drink a gallon of it or just dip the Texas Toast in it. I'm convinced the only toast they serve in heaven is Texas Toast. The brisket was so tender and smokey it fell apart on the fork. The ribs were outstanding. I embraced the experience of getting totally filthy. Good thing they had a roll of paper towels at the table. I went through 2 or 3 sheets.

The only shortcoming of this place? The instant mashed potatoes. The gravy was nothing special either. However, the slaw was excellent. I recall President Murphy telling me the best way to judge a BBQ joint is by their Cole slaw and this was some of the best I've ever had. If you are ever in Wichita, look this place up and fire up the treadmill. It will be worth it.

As I child, my brothers and I had a horrible sacrilegious practice of raising the pitch of our voices while praying for "the good times" as we knelt around the dinner table. My father got to the point where he censored it from our prayers, but it was still in our hearts. Recently, Jay and I discovered the "Good Times" in the form of such a named restaurant.

Normally I'd say fast food is OK at best, but the sirloin BBQ bacon burger I ordered there rivaled anything I've ever had from Red Robin. Throw in a drink and the surprisingly good Wild Fries and I'm getting a quality burger experience for half the cost. Good Times was born in Boulder and is all over Colorado so go get your filth on.

My final moment of filth comes from Pat's #1 diner, near the Target off Arapahoe near I-25. where they make authentic Philly Cheese steak. I took one Bob Frost, who had recently lost 200 lbs and gave up soda. He had a coke and gained back 100 lbs by the time we were done. No salad could undo the damage of Pat's. The bread was phenomenal. East coast good. To round out the Philly persona, this place offered Tasty Cakes and had a huge poster of Rocky. We rejoiced in the spoil, and you will too.

I think I'm due for 1,000 crunches and sit-ups now. But it was well worth it. STAY FILTHY PEOPLE!

What Adam Should be Singing

I'm going off the deep end. I sort of watched American Idol for a second week in a row. I should qualify that by saying I skipped through all of the performances, except for Adam Lambert and only watched Simon's comments. Yes, that is the show for me.

I unfortunately caught Paula giving yet another 'guru' somber and self-important line to Adam: "You dare to walk the path of greatness." Please. I'm convinced she has a comment coach that she works with or just practices in the mirror. So bad its almost entertaining.

After watching yet another great performance by Mr. Lambert, I've decided he was born in the wrong era. He should have been born in the early 70s so he could have capitalized on his talent as the greatest hair metal singer EVER. Just think about it. Here are a few guys of a similar style that he would blow out of the arena:

Rob Halford - Judas Priest

Bruce Dickenson - Iron Maiden (he also had a great SNL sketch with the Cowbell)

Joel DuBay - Powermad

Meatloaf - Meatloaf (Maybe he has a real name, but I don't care)

Skid Row - Sebastian Bach

Now that I've named a few stars imagine A-Lamb singing some of their greatest hits. They are on the left if you care to hear the old inferior versions.

Turbo Lover

Run to the Hills

Slaughterhouse

I would do Anything for Love

18 and Life

Too bad AI is so obsessed with pop music to stop this guy from finding his true calling as the world's greatest metal singer of all times.

Adam if you or the secret spies of AI are reading this, give up the pop, its time to rock. Perform these five songs for the rest of the season and you will become immortal.

Best Karakoe Performace of All Times

I don't watch American Idol or more appropirately "American Karaoke." But his has to be the finest moment in the show's history:

Ring Of Fire - Adam Lambert


My hair metal roots sang along in joy to this unusual but welcome arrangement to a Johnny Cash classic.

Annual Renewal Thoughts

"Oh Abe... you've aged terribly." - Grandma Simpson

• Yes, I'm now '38' and feeling my years. When I play basketball, people no longer laugh because of my shot selection or motion, its the sight of an ox lumbering to the hole or a man sticking out his chest to take a charge, only to have the offender run right around him for a lay-up.


• April fool's day always involves pranks. A good one I pulled on my mission was during my time in the office. We called two zone leaders at the same time on a conference call, hit the mute button and hoped they'd pick-up at the same time. Here is what ensued: "Hello / ...Hey! / How are you? / Gooooood... / And you? / Good / [5 second pause] So, what can I do ya for? / Me? / Yeah / You called me / No... you called me / What? / Look. The phone rang, I picked the phone, you were on the other end... WHAT DO YOU WANT!? / Dude. You called me. / I did not! - At that point we unmuted our laughter. Good times.


• When I was a senior in High School seminary, I made a Freshman drink eight cups of water on a dare that he couldn't do it in under 10 seconds (4 oz cups). We lined up the cups and he started chugging. He wound up puking after the third cup. The teacher ran into the kitchen furious with me and made me sit right in front of her with no one allowed to sit around me for the rest of the semester.


• Jay Culter is a whiny spoiled brat and I say good riddance. Josh McDaniels clearly has no sense of tact and will ruin our franchise. Buzz (the agent) is pond scum and deserves to have all his players taken from him Jerry McGuire style, minus finding the Quan and should be left to live in a van, down by the river.


• The Denver Sports media are the most asinine, repetitive and unbalanced bunch in the country. 4 hours a day talking about Jay with his panties in a bind and who said this and who said that... blah, blah, blah. The NUGGETS ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF THEIR BEST SEASON LIKE EVER!!! TALK ABOUT THEM YOU IDIOTS!!! Maybe they can't because the don't know anything about basketball, match ups, playoff implications, injuries, trades, the coach, strategy... NOOOOO. That would be too useful and entertaining. Yes, this is a Football town, always will be, but let's enjoy a good thing while its here rather than completely ignore it.

OK. I'm done. Hope you all feel special today like I do. Because in the end, we're all special and we are all unique. I'm gonna go get my cake on. MOSIT. YEAH!!

The Meaning of Life

Welcome to the Hotel California. This phrase from an Eagles song evokes thoughts of the desert, a classic melody and unusual lyrics. But I’ve never caught the warm smell of Colitas rising up through the air. And why can’t that guy ever leave the hotel? Is this song about drug use, prostitutes, greed/wealth or all the above? With Tommy Boy I say, ‘What kind of hotel is this??”

My answer: I don’t know. I enjoy the song and each time the lyrics mean something a bit different to me (when I actually think about them). Is there a modern lyrical mystery on par with the Hotel California? I think there is and it contains the phrase, “But that was when I ruled the world.”

In a prior post I reviewed Coldplay’s Viva la Vida album and mentioned I would make no attempt to break down the lyrics. Now that speculation has matured, I think its time to give my take.

The song appears to be the thoughts of a fallen dictator or ruler. The question is - who is the subject of the lyrics? Coldplay offers no official interpretation, likely because to do so would ruin the song and make it politics rather than art. Here are some of my favorite answers from various blogs and discussion threads.

Napoleon Bonaparte
Tiberius
Julius Caesar
Jesus Christ (see the answer in the first link below - I'm not being disrespectful)
Barry Bonds
Dick Cheney

Here are links discussing these ideas.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080603184655AAA18zW

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_the_meaning_of_Coldplay

I think the question of exactly who is off course. This song appears to be about ideas rather than one person. Nearly every self-improvement book or speaker I’ve ever heard centers around control, particularly self-control. We hold the idea of being in control of our lives as a high ideal, only achieved by the greatest of humanity. Each of us would like to rule the world, at least our own sphere of influence.

“Never an honest word, but that was when I ruled the world…” If we think we control our own sphere of life we are lying to ourselves. Sure we always have our will to choose our actions and reactions, but no one has ever successfully controlled everyone one and everything around them. Perhaps the secret of achieving Viva la Vida – the joy of life lies in giving up the illusion or dream of control. Enjoy the journey and its bumps.

Despite the regretful meaning of the lyrics, the song is upbeat and playful. I see this as the soul of the dictator or control freak that realized life is for living and to enjoy the moments. I don’t mean we should give up discipline, goals or hard work, but rather enjoy the journey and each moment in it. A wise Apostle, Elder Wirthlin recently said “Come what may and love it.” Perhaps we need to quit obsessing over every little thing that isn't essential. The Lord himself said, "Their heart are set so much upon the things of this world... Hence many are called, but few are chosen."

So on my 38th birthday [wink], I'll wish for the joy of the Watermelons (Frida's painting) to overpower my life and I'll enjoy the journey, rather than obsess controling things I cannot control. Ciao baby.

Prima Drama

I'm hyper-ventilating into a bag as I type this. I'm sick of seeing the Broncos turn into the Raiders part Deux. Dove Valley is going up in flames, little bunnies are running in all directions screaming and no one seems to be able to put out the fire Pat Bowlen ignited with the firing of Mike Shannahan.

I see in the papers this morning that Jay Cutler has demanded a trade after the botched attempt to fire him in favor of Matt Cassell. Josh McDaniels got too happy with the wrecking ball and its now swung back into him... Homer Simpson style. DOH!!!

Honestly, I think I'm about to quit caring about this team for the next five years since we'll probably be a train wreck for that long. Am I sad we are likely to loose Cutler? Yes, he is a great talent. But the man clearly is no professional and a whining brat. To make his displeasure known, he has listed his 4BR, 7BA 7,516 SF house in Castle Pines on the market for sale at $2,000,000. He paid $1.34M for it in 2006. As an appriaser, his asking 49.25% increase in value over the last three years is absurd when prices have remained flat or declining during that time span. It is an insult to all homeowners in the Mile High City. The man clearly has his head in the clouds and lives in "everyone kisses my butt" land. This is the guy who's supposed to lead us back to a Championship? I predict he'll wind up drunk on a reality show.

It was a good run there. Nearly 30 years as one of the best run organizations in the league. Now we're the organizational equivalent of Terrel Owens. Let's replace the Bronco logo with the Satan Stallion out at DIA. May as well, since it appears the devil himself is trying to ruin my team.

P.S. - this is written in the heat of the moment and I reserve the right to quickly change my opinion and jump back on the bandwagon if it starts rolling again.

180 in Space

As many of you know, I'm old-school Star Wars fan. I've never dressed up for a show or gone to a convention, but I know the original trilogy so well I can practically quote it verbatim. When I was a kid, I begged my mom to put Sun-In into my hair so I could be blond like Luke Skywalker. Tom and I used to have violent, destructive pillow fights where we would shout things like, "MEET YOUR DESTINY!!" before hurling a pillow across the room. As I kid, I could be a Star Wars fan and it was cool. I never once had someone give me grief over it.

For whatever reason, I saw Star Trek differently. It just had 'nerdy' attached to it. Bill Shatner was busy ripping on it himself with SNL skits "You... Have you ever kissed a girl?" For me it was a lack of explosions, lightsabers, death-stars and Darth Vader. As a young kid those things got my blood boiling more than "beam me up" and people shooting each other with guns that looked like remote controls.

But the tide appears to be changing. First George Lucas decided to blaspheme his own creation and viloate a sacred rule found in Revelations 22:18-19 "DON'T ADD TO OR TAKE AWAY, FROM SACRED WORK!!!" I loathe the special editions of the original trilogy. He corrupted the greatest Saga ever and gave us a taste of the garbage to come (I have a bad feeling about this). We all know the pre-quel trilogy had some moments, but it is basically a poor Pixar movie with a few live actors trying to survive horrible plot and dialouge. Before we knew it, spoofs of Star Wars were everywhere and Darth Vader became the king of unintentional comedy with Youtube hits like Chad Vader. I won't even breathe on the Clone Wars movie. With Obi-Wan I lament... now the Jedi are all but extict.

Who can step foward and reclaim Space, the final fronter? None other than a re-boot of Star Trek, that looks very promising.

In my typical Nostradamus fashion, I predict the new Trek film will become what Star Wars fans were hoping for when the pre-quels came out. I see a revenge of the Nerds, the beginning of something we can all enjoy. I'm getting geeked out. Beam me up.

The Lana Zone

I used to watch Smallville, the story of Clark Kent (AKA Superman) on a regular basis. In this show, Clark is consistently pining over his childhood crush, Lana. She is wonderful, smart, sweet and innocent. All the good guys want to protect her and all the bad guys want to hurt her.

Gradually, the show looses sight of the "Hero" and becomes obsessed with Lana. She dominates the plot with 5 to 10 minute stretches of meaningless, tiresome and redundant dialogue... about feelings. Eventually, I joined the KILL LANA group hoping to remove her from the show so I could get my Man card back. Every time they pretended to kill her off, I rejoiced, only to have my hopes crushed when she kept retuning from the dead.

Women that annoy, die and return to life...

Smallville eventually fell of my radar due to the Lana syndrome. Ghastly piles of pointless, shriveled lip dialogue that only serve as filler material since special effects and plot are too expensive. That perfectly describes the last episode of Heroes, the show that replaced Smallville for me in the "comic book" department.

But alas, "All is not well in Zion." Heroes has a Lana. Her name is Claire Bennett. Here are the ways she takes us into the Lana Zone, where a good show become unbearable:

• "Save the Cheerleader, Save the World" - Yes every good guy wants to protect her and all the baddies want to kill her - cliche.
• Claire Bear is overly sweet and good intentioned like High Fructose Corn Syrup.
• Claire has issues with parents (real Dad AWOL), 2nd string dad works an odd job. Real Mom just got blown up, 2nd string Mom just admitted to having a crush on the Def Leppard bassist. None of them can make her happy. "I WANT AN UMPALUMPA NOW!!"
• She is constantly whining [peeling the skin off my body]
• Incessant speeches about trust, when she gives or inspires little of it.
• Always looking to prove herself and help people at her own peril, but just winds up in trouble, followed by more whining after being saved.
• Has a complex that her ultra cuteness is hurting people around her (yes the world does revolve around her -ugh).

Unfortunately, a show with the likes of Peter, Sylar, Nuclear Ted and Hiro Nakamura is constantly having its legs under-cut by a whiny, feelings obsessed brat. I have a confession to make: I skipped over every scene with Claire and Aqua-man last week and didn't feel like I missed anything.

This is still one of my favorite shows, but I'm not sure how much longer I can hang on. Therefore, I'm starting the DEATH TO CLAIRE BENNETT-PETRELLI CLUB!!!

[And there was much Rejoicing - yea...]

Like most activists, we'll just whine and chain ourselves to things in public, as we sing annoying songs. You came here for the good times and I deliver.