The Hostess with the Mostess

I recently read The Host, by Stephenie Meyer, the reigning queen of estrogen-powered vampire books and newest LDS pop-culture phenomenon. Unlike the Twilight SAGA, this book is written for adults and thankfully, the boy-crazy meter was dialled down from 1,000 to 500.

First, a few words about the SAGA, as they shaped my perceptions of the author and my outlook on The Host. I'll freely admit that I've read the first three Twilight books and enjoyed them. They are a quick read, and will keep you up at night turning the pages against your will. Its Harry Potter style marathon reading. I really enjoyed a different outlook on Vampires (at least from my past experience) and the plot presents an interesting pickle. Plus, the books are more about longing, passion and self-discovery than power, violence, murder and gratification, which is a refreshing change of pace from most vampire works I'm acquainted with.

Despite my enjoyment, I felt like an intruder in a strange country that I had no business visiting - a woman's mind. And a teenage one at that. Seriously. I thought boys were obsessed with girls in high school. Wow. If those books really are close to reality for the average teenage girl, I'm tempted to buy some chastity belts, a double-barrel shot-gun and a can of Bear Spray (just for good measure) right now.

Here is my one complaint with the SAGA and it consequently, my one issue with The Host: They all seem unnecessarily long. By the way, I'd never dare to complain about boy craziness, since men are much worse in their obsessions with women. Overall, I like the plots, the characters, storyline, but it just feels drug out, in certain spots. I'll give some background on The Host and explain.

The novel is set in the not-too-distant future were aliens have invaded and virtually conquered the earth. They didn't do it with guns and "Lasers" and they don't get sick from the common cold. Which was a good change. They are a species of silvery parasites that have conquered several planets and uses the host bodies of the most compatible species on the planet, in this case, humans. Once a host body dies, these Souls (as they call themselves) are re-inserted into a new host body, effectively making them immortal. These souls are very peaceful and altruistic. Most won't touch a gun and thought they were doing us a favor by wiping us and our barbaric lifestyle out of existence. The descriptions of how life on earth is after they take over are hilarious and I wish there was more of it. The Souls have one secret problem. The human minds of some older bodies don't want to let go and stick around to haunt or simply drive the invading Soul nuts hoping to regain control, but it is a terrible prison.

That alone got me to read the book. Trapped in your mind, with no control over your body and having to hear the occupier's thoughts. It makes for some great reading. Plus, it was from a woman's perspective, which made it all the more alien and interesting to me.

Another problem these invaders have is the emotional and carnal power of the body on the mind. We can all relate to this problem, which made the book thought provoking. It also shows some of Meyer's LDS roots. The Souls have never encountered a species with such strong emotions and memories - yes, they can remember everything from the host body's life. So, when a resistance fighter, Melanie is captured and attempts suicide, the Souls put one of their best in her body to discover her secrets and wipe out the last of the humans. Wanderer, the name of the Soul sent on this mission finds that she can't resist the memories and feelings of Melanie's former life and love. To make matters worse, Melanie is sticking around and forcing memories on Wanderer all the time in hopes of driving her to go find the man she loves and the brother she must protect. Wanderer is overwhelmed by this new body, its powerful emotions, memories and finds herself becoming one with its desires.

The book effectively becomes a love triangle with only two people. But its much more than that. The mental battle between the two women, and their interactions with others is very entertaining to read and yes, I was up late reading the book on several occasions. As I said, my only beef is with the plot being drug out in certain areas, and not enough in others. The portion in the middle, set in the desert could be condensed and other parts such as the new alien human culture should have been expanded. It reminds me of the stall in The Phantom Menace (Star Wars I) where the pod race story takes way too long. Maybe a second book will follow with more of what I crave. [Photo below is of Picacho State Park, a setting in the book]

I experienced a similar frustration with Harry Potter. I like mystery and out of school stuff, but spare me herbology and excessive quidditch competitions. As you can guess, the 7th book was by far and away my favorite. I'm hoping for a similar change in Breaking Dawn, the final book in...THE SAGA.

To any of the three dudes that read this blog and may contemplate reading this book, it still has a high-volume of boy craziness, but its not puppy love and I could identify with it. I'm guessing Meyer had to keep some of this element for her teenage girl fan base, or maybe she just enjoys writing about forbidden love, burning passion, etc, etc. It stays clean and I say more power to her. You go BYU Grad!

Overall, this was a great break from typical sci-fi novels because it was from a feminine perspective in a typically masculine genre. Plus, I genuinely like chick flicks and tearing up. As an unintential bonus, that scores me HUGE wife points. So go figure. I'd recommend this book to just about anyone.

Death & Life - and - Life & Death

!SUGGESTION! - In order to get the full effect of this post, I suggest you play "La Petite Fille De La Mer" by Vangelis in my sidebar after you read this post. Don't blame me though if you cry... After watching The Dark Knight recently, I naturally got thinking about my own mortality. How long will I live? Out of habit, I went to the place with all the answers: GOOGLE. Which is starting to scare me, becuase I mindlessly plug queries into that search engine and often just accept what I see in the top 10 results. Wouldn't Bill Gates and Dick Cheney kill to have that power? But maybe they do already...

So who was at the top of the list for caluculating life expectancy? Our good friends at Wharton University. Are you going to question them? I didn't think so. Here is the link if you care to discover your own expiration date:

http://gosset.wharton.upenn.edu/mortality/perl/CalcForm.html

I shall forbear the details of my own entries. The results are what fascinate me. Here they are:

Life Expectancy: 84.39

Lower Quartile : 76.63

Median Lifetime: 86.87

Upper Quartile : 94.83

Not bad, assuming Julie can handle all of my bad humour, manners and unyielding flatulence for another 53 years. But wait! It gets better, I took the option of analyzing my health risks. I selected all of them since I'm hungry for precise, indisputable information about my future.

ANALYSIS RESULTS [Law & Order sound]

-Not smoking is a great choice! Your life expectancy is maximized by not smoking

-If you have 2-3 drinks per day, your life expectancy would be 0.26 years longer

-If you do not drive, your life expectancy would be 0.34 years longer

-If you do not have any stress listed in the table, your life expectancy would be 0.51 years longer

-If you become a conditioning exercizer, your life expectancy would be 0.59 years longer

-Consuming all 5 classes of food everyday has maximized your life expectancy

-If you do not have any sexual partner, your life expectancy would be 0.34 years longer

-If you sleep 7 hours a day, your life expectancy would be 0.30 years longer

If all of the above choices are adopted, your life expectancy would be 2.11 years longer.

That's it?!? Two measly years if I start drinking, quit driving, eliminate all stress, exercise like a fiend, abstain from my wife (that one really hurts), and stew in bed for one more hour per day.

Talk about a bad commercial for healthly living. Maybe the statisticians and actuarial scientists that cooked these calculations are just trying to justify their current slothful, beer-filled, sleep-in lifestyles and show that change is futile. And maybe it is. After all... (I'm kinda serious here) the world may not make it to 2061. Nuclear holocaust, global warming - brought on by Buy n Large (the satanic corporation in Wall-E), hostile alien invasion, or religious events such as the Second Coming or End of the World. Why bother saving for retirement, changing lifestyle habits or abstain from skydiving?

If none of the above happens. I get two more years. Honestly, it dosen't seem worth it. Like Austin Powers, "I also like to live dangerously." So I say: ROCK ON, go to Disneyland, climb Long's Peak, Hang 10 on a pipeline, go cliff diving, splunking and fight crime as a vigilante - Assuming you can get away from your desk job for long enough to do that stuff.

In honor of this auspicious discovery, I have added a widget on my side bar that will now track the days I have left on this beautiful planet (Unless I am compelled to take it off the site by forces much more powerful than me). The painting on the right is entitled, Obscured by the Passge of Time by David Luksha. It helps make this post seem much more deep than it really is. In closing, let us say as as Cameron from Ferris Buller's Day Off : "Have a nice life..."

The Dark Knight

"Nothing. No name, no other alias. Clothing is... custom. Nothing in his pockets but knives and lint." This essentially sums up the Joker. He is a mystery, unique and completely evil. Heath Ledger has given us a rare moment in moviemaking. He left us with the performance of a lifetime.

However, before going any further, I should say the Director, Christopher Nolan has out-done himself. What makes this movie so strong is Nolan's belief in bending reality just a bit, but not too much. He avoids CGI, directs every shot (dosen't use a second crew with an assistant director), does not use story-boards - which allows for pure creative energy on set (just may have something to do with Ledger's performance), and co-wrote the film with his brother. He has themes and ideas he wants to communicate. In Batman Begins, he told us about fear. This time, he shows us Chaos.

The Joker sums up the plot of movie with, "This is what happens when an unstoppable force (Chaos) meets an immovable object (Batman)." He later tells Batman, "We could go on like this Forever" Which is indeed what the comics do. The endless struggle between Batman and the Joker. Fight fire with fire.

Everyone is saying Ledger and Oldeman just disappear in their roles. But don't overlook Christian Bale. I thought he did the same with Batman. He really is getting the character down, especially the Bruce Wayne side. Oddly enough some of the best humour in the moive comes from him.

Despite the loathing I felt for the Joker, you just can't get enough of him in the film. He has an almost other-worldly persona, like he was sent straight from hell. If the Joker were to exist in reality, he'd be close to this incarnation. Some of his stunts are just too well planned, but very interesting and entertaining. His jokes are purely sadistic, yet you find yourself laughing. I may be wrong, but I think the character was hugely influenced by the Saw movies (which I have not seen - I'm not a horror guy), which revolve around placing people in situations where they have to make terrible choices. Bottom line: if this performance does not win an Oscar, then I don't know what would. Give Heath the credit he is due.

Take away the masks, make-up and gadgets and it feels like this story could be real. I read one review that call this movie The Untouchables with the Joker as Al Capone and Batman as Elliot Ness. Almost no one can be trusted, anyone can be bought or sold. This movie is dark, demoralizing and wildly entertaining.

One performer in the film we never see is the music and it was terrific. It did such a good job of heightening the tension, bleeding emotion and spicing up the action, yet you forget it is there, but I realized after it was over, just how well crafted it was. Hats off to Zimmer and Howard. All great movies have unique and memorable scores.

Finally, I think this move hits home on a deeper level as it deals with curent issues of terrorism and how to fight it. I daresay this movie was practically propaganda for the Patriot Act. Shunned of course within the film, but it raises the question, how far would you go to stop a bomb from expoloding in a hospital? Would you kill someone to save others? What does it really take to win a war with people who only want one thing - death? This is where Nolan finds a way to give us our popcorn and food for thought as well.

Wall-E & The Haters

I'm back in at the anvil of critical justice...and sparks will fly. I just saw Wall-E, the latest PIXAR creation last night and I'm overwhelmed with mixed feelings. For real, I'm going to do some serious spoilers. I can't imagine who would be worried about them, but I feel it my duty warn you gentle reader to the perils below. Let's start with the good and then go to the jagged pill.

Flat out, this is one of the best, if not the best PIXAR film to date. The animation was fluid, the colors were vivid, the audio was crisp and powerful and the soundtrack was moving. Wall-E is such an endearing character you can't help but love the guy. He is a hard worker, kind, thoughtful, curious and most of all a hopeless romantic. The opening 10-15 minutes of the movie is almost entirely free of dialogue as is much of the movie. I find it actually makes the story more emotional because it allows you to just see and feel what is going on instead of processing dialogue. The screenplay is excellent. Each scene is well crafted and draws out laughter, suspense or sometimes sadness. It reminds me of how hard I used to laugh watching Wile Coyote and the Road-runner. No dialogue, but tons of humor. I will even volunteer that I actually "welled up" at one point in the movie. The scene where Wall-e and Eve fly around the spaceship is so beautiful and carefree, I really did forget about all my troubles for a spell. Simply put, this is great film making.

The robots in the film are well crafted and inventive. The contrasts between Wall-e and Eve (the female gun-slinging protagonist) are interesting as well as a commentary on the differences between men and women. Wall-e is dirty, old, clumsy and deals in garbage all day but has a heart of gold. Most of all, he has proper respect and fear for his woman. Eve is a beautiful, smooth, sleek and hot tempered woman that can fly and will blow away (with extreme prejudice) anything that threatens her. I find these two emulate popular contemporary views of men and women nicely. It was funny and entertaing to watch, although I'm not entirely thrilled about the characterizations. But what the heck, it's just a cartoon right?

WRONG. All entertainment has a message whether we like it or not. Even Charles Barkley came around and admitted he was a role model whether he liked it or not. PIXAR is a Bay-Area company and let's face it, this was the equivalent of An Inconvenient Truth in animation for kids... and adults. This movie rails on corporations, consumerism and bad environmental practices. So effectively, this is a Socialistic critique of Capitalism carried to its extreme.

In this film, we see that if we allowed corporations the power to eliminate the government, they would pollute the earth to an uninhabitable degree, force robots into slavery to fix it and blast us into outer-space where we would turn into nothing but fat, bloated, idiotic, weak-boned, pleasure seeking hedonists that lay around on floating carts all day doing nothing but drinking liquid hamburgers and watching TV endlessly. Did I miss anything?

Perhaps I'm a bit defensive, but this is basically the contempt that socialist tree huggers have for America. The land of the obese, indolent, polluting capitalists that would sell their planet for a buck. On a whole, I could not escape the feeling this was an extra-sugar coated pill of hate for America (or the right half of it).

In a perfect world, we'd have the government run everything for us - because let's face it, no one does things more efficiently or fairly than bureaucrats. Big Brother would monitor our carbon footprint within an inch of our lives and make sure the earth never got trashed by the likes of Ken Lay and his buddies at Enron.

I'm sure if you asked the people who made this movie, they would say they have contempt for current environmental standards and if we don't act now this could be our future. They probably feel they are doing us a favor by opening our eyes and hearts to the cause of environmentalism, which in my opinion has become the new religion for Atheists and Agnostics. I bet there are a number of people that will show this movie to their kids in a pseudo Sunday school fashion. I'm well acquainted with people treating me with contempt for choosing to be different in my religious views. I follow my convictions because I believe I am making a difference in my life and those I love for the better by following the principles of my religion. The blessing in this life are great, but the payoff in the life to come is far beyond what I can comprehend.

Likewise, I've known people that do not follow religion or are just spiritual, but downright intense about their carbon foot print. They do "weird" or "unusual" things to make a difference. Is it all that different from religion? One chooses to put faith in God, others faith in Science... and Al Gore. Here is an interesting article from Time about indulgencies for modern followers of the Green Faith:

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1599714,00.html

I try to recycle, use cleaners that don't violate the earth, avoid littering, shut off the water when I brush my teeth and live by sunlight as much as possible. But I'm no saint with my carbon footprint, just as I'm no perfect saint in my religion either. However, I will always put my religious convictions ahead of other considerations. Why? I've come to understand the big picture and realize that some things are not as important as others. Some truths are eternal and some ideas and so called "facts" are constantly changing.

OK. I got carried away. Let me just say this: I love my country. Despite its flaws, some of our history and current policies. It is a great place to live and has afforded many the protection and opportunity to enjoy life and the pursuit of happiness like never before in the history of the world. We are not all gun-toting, fat, intolerant morons that are out to destroy the earth for our own gratification. Corporations are not entirely evil. Competition is generally a good thing. We have brought some wonderful things to humanity and it makes me sick to see such consistent, subtle attacks on our way of life. Will I buy this movie? Yes. It is a fantastic film. Am I thrilled with some of the implied messages? Obviously not, but to be fair, protecitng the earth, staying fit and avoiding runaway corparate greed are good things. Maybe I'm just a Communications major that should be quiet, eat my popcorn and enjoy the movie.

Viva la Ambition

Like my subject, I'm going into new territory. I usually blog on movies and books or insane predictions, but I'd like to touch on another medium of art, music. Like many who have hit the age of 30, I've begun to think all good music was from my generation (decade of my teenage years) or the ones that went before. To put it bluntly, I think the general state state of contemporary rock/pop stinks. Most of it is a rip-off of old sounds, fashioned in a new way. Are there great bands and artists out there today? Absolutely, and I intend to discuss one. Coldplay.

I would not say I'm a serious fan of the group. Heck, I can't even name the other three members of the band outside of Chris Martin, the lead singer. I don't give a rip about their politics either. However, it is the one band I've gone to see in concert in a long time. I was not a big fan of their first hit "Yellow" and had forgotten the band existed until I heard "The Scientist" on headphones at the record store back in 02 or 03. I barely recognized the name of the band, but loved the music and have since listened to what they put out. I think what I enjoy most about them is their "soaring" sound, and lyrics that usually abstain from teen angst or fornication. As a former metal head, this is great easy listening music with some soul and intelligence.

I recently purchased Coldplay's most recent album, Viva la Vida or Death and All His Friends. I had heard the band tried to expand their range and do new things musically, playing in Spanish Cathedrals, different instruments, new sounds...and the results are wonderful.

Did everything go well? No. Regrettably, there are a few tracks on the album that are not their finest moments. But on a whole, I think the change in their sound is impressive, while still keeping their roots. I've read they have been roundly criticized for not branching out and it appears they took their critics seriously. OK, let's cut to the chase. If you don't intend to buy the album (which is completely fine in my opinion) here are some tracks to download should this band be your cup of hot chocolate.

1. Life in Technicolor - Instrumental, short. It sets the tone well for their undertaking, like a new day dawning.

5. Lovers in Japan / Reign of Love - This stuff hearkens back to their older sound, but with a certain care free rhythm. It stops in the middle and moves to a wonderful soft piano ballad. They could be (should be) stand alone tracks, but whatever. Good bang for the buck on a download.

7. Viva la Vida - This is the one from the itunes ad. Very catchy, and a complete departure from conventional rock. Violins and symphony are the main characters, with an upbeat tempo. I have no intention of analyzing the lyrics. I enjoy this track for its fresh new sound, something hard to come by these days.

9. Strawberry Swing - Here is the sleeper on the album and my favorite track. Once again, it has a new sound and has a wonderful progression from simple themes to a full charge of joyful energy. It reminds me of playing at the pool or park as a kid, running with all of my old friends from the neighborhood in the thick of summer without a care in the world. I hope my children will know many such days.

10. Death and All His Friends - Once again, good progression music that does remind me of earlier works, but a different feel. It wraps up with a refrain of "Life in Technicolor" signaling to me the the band felt the entire album was a complete work and concept.

Oh and by the way, the name of the album, translated to "Long live life!" came from a painting done by Frida Kahlo (mono-brow chick) below. I guess once you eat a really tasty watermelon, you want to jump for joy and proclaim your happiness or make an ambitious rock album. That's one awesome watermelon.

Testosterone, Divorce and a Triathlon

In this post I'll be discussing "Iron Man," a recent movie release and an old book from C.S. Lewis titled, "The Great Divorce." If you hate spoilers, get off my cyber-space real-estate before you hurt yourself.

Iron Man - Everything you have heard is true. This is a great movie and IMHO (I just love text talk), it should be seen in the theater to be appreciated. I'm not a big fan of breaking the bank at the box office, but some movies are just better in the theater.

For example, Jurassic Park. At the theater, I forgot to breathe watching that movie. Remember the booming sound of the T-Rex approaching? The screams of the Dinosaurs, seeing a head and teeth on screen that really looked big enough to eat you? At home, this movie is still good, but not even close the feeling of the theater. Iron Man is a movie with lots of explosions and deals with heavy equipment that makes loud sounds. Another layer of depth in the film is missed without that sound. And the visuals are always more impressive when they consume most of your field of vision. Those items won't be the same at home unless you are one of those crazy people that owns a projector and a really powerful sub woofer.

ILM (Industrial Lights & Magic) is a special effects company created by George Lucas that did the effects for this film. Star Wars is their calling card, but check out the other great projects they have done:

1. Indiana Jones (all 4)

2. Harry Potter and The Eight Long Films about Him

3. Jurassic Park trilogy

4. Several of the Star Trek movies

5. Back to the Future Trilogy

6. Ghost Busters

7. Transformers

Not to mention a department from ILM was spun off and became PIXAR, which has changed animated movies for ever.

Alright. I'll talk about the movie. Obviously the special effects are great. But what makes this movie work? Simply Robert Downey Jr. I think he may have beaten Will Smith (Hancock) to the punch on presenting a reasonably believable superhero with no innate super-powers. He was funny, quick, charming, and yet very serious and dramatic when need be. All good qualities to have when you are wearing an iron suit. Truth be told, the suit is around enough, but not all the time. Downey/Stark embodies every man's dream of what they would do if they were brilliant, single, mechanically gifted and full of charisma: Hook up with supermodels, have a high-tech house overlooking the ocean, have Gwyneth Paltrow as a "Personal" assistant, drive awesome cars, build weapons, fly in a high-tech suit, and blow-stuff up. Yes, a true testosterone dream.

Guys - my best friend saw this with me said she loved it so this will fly as a date movie. Don't cop out on that excuse.

The movie is very much rooted in the problems of today. It deals with terrorists, patriotism, weapons companies, war and what would you do if you could set some things straight? The first 30 minutes of the film are engrossing but there is no let-up on comedy, or action till the end. This movie will look dated in 10 years, so I'm glad I saw it in its prime. If only the technology in this film existed today. It would be AWESOME.

Yes, awesome. Once they get the suit going in this movie, you find yourself saying, "awesome" "sweet" "cool" "rad" "wicked" etc. over and over under your breath. I think that just about sums it up. Have a good time and if you do see it in the theater, your money will be well spent.

The Great Divorce - Two days ago, I was handed a copy of this book with an odd disco design on the cover. Despite the cover, I know the author and was looking for something new. I'm familiar with C.S. Lewis, not like some people in the religious department at BYU, but this was a book of his I'd only heard of once or twice. Usually we think of Mere Christianity, Screwtape Letters, Narnia, Problem of Pain, A Grief Observed - my personal favorite... until this one.

The Great Divorce is is a mere 127 pages and I finished over the course of one round-trip flight to Gillette WY. Good times. It started quick, never let-up and was provocative and enlightening.

The book is a work of fiction and fantasy and is not intended to be entirely doctrinally accurate. In the Preface Lewis made this point emphatically and says he is just trying to stir up thought on the after-life. What if dammed soul from hell could take a bus ride to the outskirts of heaven, talk to a few people there and decide to leave hell behind and go into heaven? Lewis is a Catholic and this would represent souls moving from Purgatory to Heaven, not exactly and LDS doctrine but we do believe in a somewhat similar concept of missionary work on the other side. I have a personal conviction this is what my father, Gary Fletcher is doing right now. So naturally, I found this to be very interesting.

In order to leave hell, what do these people have to do? Give up all attachments to it. This book covers the main character watching several "Ghosts" or damned spirits conversing with Angles, or resurrected "Solid People." What I love about this book is that the Ghosts think they have been good people and are blinded by serious flaws that developed in their characters that make them incompatible with Heaven. The root of all their problems is selfishness. Hence the book focuses on what would these Ghosts need to give up in order to receive Heaven.

A particular scripture from the Book of Mormon came to me several times while reading. It is from the book of Alma in Chapter 22, verses 17-18, when Aaron is teaching the King of the Lamanites and the king is ready to believe: "the king did bow down before the Lord, upon his knees; yea, even he did prostrate himself upon the earth, and cried mightily, saying: O God, Aaron hath told me that there is a God; and if there is a God, and if thou art God, wilt thou make thyself known unto me, and I will give away all my sins to know thee, and that I may be raised from the dead, and be saved at the last day."

C.S Lewis gives a quote from Milton that sums the problems of these Ghosts nicely: "Better to reign in hell than serve in heaven." Until we turn everything over to God, it will be hard to endure his presence and that is why many of these Ghosts refused to enter heaven.

The book starts in Hell and give a very different view of it. Then the bus ride to heaven occurs and finally the discussion with the Spirits on the outskirts of heaven. The imagery in the book is sublime. I found my self painting wonderful landscapes and images in my head while reading. To be short, this would make a fantastic movie. The resurrected people are fascinating to read. You really get a sense they are beyond the pain of this life. It was both wonderful see such joy and sad to read of the misery of these Ghosts. Each Ghost and their problems could be studied for several days and we could ask ourselves "is there any of that in me?" And if so, how with God's help can I overcome it?

Maybe you have guessed this book is not about marital divorce and speaks little of it; although one conversation does involve a couple that was married on earth. If you are looking for a book to give you a fresh sense of wonder, curiosity and urgency about life after death, I very highly recommend this book.

Triathlete - Yes, I've become one of the elite Sprint Triathlon doers of the modern era. This last Saturday I engaged in my own triathlon at 24 hr fitness. Of course I am in no condition (or ever will be) to do an actual Triathlon, which consists of swimming 2.4 miles, biking 112 miles and running 26.2 miles (marathon) consecutively. No, my Jello-frame can only do the Sprint version, which is a 0.5 mile swim (35 laps in a yard pool), 12.4 miles biking and a 3.1 mile run.

Sprint is not a appropriate way to describe how I performed. Rather, it was like watching a pasty-white, has-been jock flail around in the pool, ride a stationary bike like a maniac, followed by a pathetic attempt to keep a 6 mph pace on the treadmill for 3.1 miles. So I officially rename this event to: THE DESK-JOCKEY TRIATHLON! Perfect for any dude that is out of shape, but willing to spend enough time a gym to do something that sounds cool. Not counting the changing in between, I was at an 1:27. Not bad in my estimation, but not great either. Hopefully I can best it next month.

Counicoupia of my mind

I have several things I'd like to blast into cyberspace today. Are you ready to begin?

SUCCESS with SAUCE - In my last blog, I mentioned the deep emotional distress caused by leaving behind the Café Rio salad dressing. So I busted out a CD of Flamingo Guitar music to inspire the creative juices and went to the kitchen. Here is the recipe:

1. Packet of Buttermilk Hidden Valley Ranch (make according to directions)
a. 1 cup mayo, 1 cup buttermilk, mix in with packet contents
2. Two Tomatillos
3. 1 bunch of Cilantro
4. 2 cloves of Garlic (smash em a bit to get the juices out)
5. Juice of 1.5 Limes
6. 1/2 Jalapeño - no seeds. This is about the same heat as the restaurant

Purée the items above in a food processor and generously pour on your salad.

Movie Review: Indiana Jones 4 - After watching a visually stunning film with great action sequences, I was left a bit dissatisfied. Perhaps this is a case of self-fulfilling prophecy, but I think I've figured out why this one does not resonate.

Let me first say I did not care for the Temple of Doom. I find it to be one of the most evil films out there without an "R" rating. Sacrificing children in a pit of fire and ripping their hearts out is not something I want to see. While Crystal Skull was not like that, it had one significant thing in common with the Temple of Doom.

Lack of Biblical Archeology. I think if you polled most people they'd say 1 and 3 are their favorites. And bingo! Both are about biblical artifacts.

This of course sounds very biased, and all cultures should have their legends dug up by a guy with a whip and an iconic hat. But the stories that resonated with me had to do with stuff that came from my religious background.

Plus the Nazis are way better antagonists that some Hindu Cult or a Communist with a bad haircut.

Constant Annoyance - Overuse of Cobwebs. How can there be so many, and yet so few spiders? ARRRH!

For the record, I don't buy into the plots about the Ark or the Grail either. Overall, I liked the plots better, and they feel more significant to me since they were within the realm of my beliefs, which made them more engrossing.

I'm wondering if Spielberg caught a case of nostalgia for his old movies. It seems we got E.T., Close Encounters and the Indy Trilogy all mixed into one movie. No complaints, just an observation. Maybe he's tired and wanted it all done at the same time? Much cheaper that way.

Overall - this was still a great popcorn movie. Probably much better in the theater than at home.

Book Review: John Adams - I just finished the book by David McCullough, which was recently made into an HBO miniseries. Flat out, this is one of the best books I've ever read. It was entertaining and enlightening. I feel like I have a much better grasp of the American Revolution and the early years of our country thanks to this book.

Perhaps what I liked best about this book is the portrayal of John Adams, often juxtaposed with Thomas Jefferson, George Washington and other founding fathers. It gave me a sense of how unique he was, coming from obscurity to make such an impact on history. And he did it with morals this country was built on: hard work, sacrifice, education, family and God. Can you imagine the President today retiring from office to go perform back breaking labor on his farm to make ends meet? Wonderful book. I highly reccomend it. Did I mention it won the Pulitzer? If you can't stomach reading history, maybe the mini-series is for you.

Leaving Las Vegas & Eatin up Denver

Before I said good-bye to Las Vegas, I had to make sure I had one last go at the restaurants I love best and could not get in Denver. Being a simple grease-hound, and considering that Corporate America ensures I have the same chains in every town, the list is short. One, many of you know. The other I am pleased to say is less well known.

Cafe Rio - This is a throwback to my college days that made its way down to Las Vegas (officially) in 2008. For most patrons, there is only one menu item. The chicken salad. A flour tortilla, beans, rice, chicken, romaine, pico, guac, parmesan, and a hint of cilantro. But what makes this salad amazing? The cilantro ranch sauce. As Ferris Buller would say: "I love eating it. If you have the means - I highly recommend picking one up." I am so distraught over missing this one-of-a-kind sauce that I've looked up the recipe from some disaffected Utahn that probably stole it after a fight with management. This is definitely one food I would like to be buried with (topic for a whole other post).

BTW - When you are stuck in the Sheridan WY municipal airport, you are treated to "exfoliating" toilet paper and Johny Cash playing on the audio system. Needless to say, I have that "rough and ready" feeling that only Sheridan's fine facilities could inspire.

Cappriotti's - This is a lesser know sandwich shop that has its roots in North East grinders; the true hot sandwich capital of the known Universe. To prove my point, they offer Tasty Cakes, a local favorite of Philladelphians. Their signature sub is basically hot thanksgiving with cranberry sauce on nearly perfect east coast bread. Yes, its all about the bread [I hate you Subway]. But what I love best is the Capistrami. This is your typical hot pastrami, but the twist is that they pile on COLESLAW??? Yes....and it is sooooo goood. This provides a satisfying crunch to the grinder that makes for a variety of textures and flavors creating a unique-tasty and filthy-greasy experience. If you are in Vegas, leave the crap table and go get real with these guys.

CAPITAL CITY CUISINE

Garbanzo - My first unique culinary experience was at Garbanzo, a Mediterranean version of Chipotle. I hooked up with pita the size of Egypt, filled, with hummus, lamb, chicken, veggies, some sort of slaw, cilantro sauce and some other sauce. May sound weird, but it was FANTASTIC. I highly recommend this joint.

Pho Fusion - Pronounced "Fuh." For those of you that wish to escape the chain gang of P.F. Chang's, Pei Wei, Pick up sticks and Panda, I have a great mile-high option. This place serves a massive bowl of pure Asian goodness. The signature dish is Pho, a Vietnamese staple, which is a large bowl of soup, with rice noodles and chicken. It comes out in about 3 minutes, with a side of fresh cilantro, mint, basil, limes, bean sprouts and peppers. Mix what you want in, add in some Hoisen sauce, death-spice red sauce and soy. Makes one eye-watering bowl. (literally, I hit way too much of the red chili pepper sauce and it was a punishing meal). Julie scored the Vietnamese noodle bowl, which essential has the same stuff, but has peanuts and a fish broth. Yes, the fish broth is quite tasty. Once again, if you have the means - do it. Just do it. Is it in you?

P.S. - I'd like to give a give my bro. Ryan a big congratulatory shout-out on passing his state certification exam. "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." Way to go Russ, you are a champion.

Nostra-Fletch-a-Damus

ITS PREDICTION TIME!!!! Remember Nostradamus? Well, today I have been transformed into Nostra-Fletch-a-Damus. I recently read the Alchemist - so I now know all about how to predict the future, make gold out of lead, and have eternal life from the Sorcerer's Stone. Yes, that picture on the left basically looks like me today as I gaze into the future.

To start off... yes, I amazingly picked the teams that made it to the Final Four. Not many have the sheer audacity to pick all 1 seeds, but I did. However, yesterday I was punished by the future as both N. Carolina and UCLA lost - BADLY. Rendering my bracket, bloody and cold on the hardwood. So how could I bounce back from such a staggering defeat? Make more predictions. After all, I am now Nostra-Fletch-a-damus. So here we go:

1. Memphis will win the Men's NCAA title game. Why? They are hecka talented (that means Mad-Skillz), and Kansas always chokes it away. Plus it looks like Kansas peaked too soon. Just a hunch, but I'm fully prepared for vindication on April 7th.

!Brace yourself for my following BOLD prediction!

2. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - will be a disappointment. The other day, I was in Albertson's looking at a box of Cocoa Krispies and began staring at the IJ4 promo. Harrison looked old, made-up and fake. Essentially - NO MOJO. And Sheela La Boouf with that pitiful moustache? NO. And let's not even get into Marion, who is back to reprise her role from the Lost Ark. One might say: " But DUDE, the trailer looks awesome!" - So did the trailer for the Phantom Menace and look how that turned out. Which brings me to my next point.

George Lucas, the destroyer of cool stuff and master of awful dialogue is about to wreck yet another classic. HOW?? He's one of the principal writers!! (yes, check IMBD if you don't believe me). One might counter: "He's not doing the screenplay and he's not the only writer" OK. Might hold up if he were not an EXECUTIVE PRODUCER. As we all found out with Star Wars, Lucas does what he wants and things always get done his way when his $$ is on the line. No other screenplay dudes or writers will sway him. "I have a bad feeling about this..." BUT WAIT! Almighty Spielberg is directing! Surely he can save this from George? Unfortunately, no. Some of you may have forgotten that he CRIED after Revenge of the Sith. Yes, Stevie will not have the guts to tell George - "That's the stupidest line I've ever heard!"

So who can save this film from being a colossal big let down? HAN SOLO. Harrison may be able to tell Steve and George - "I won't say that" - but his efforts will probably amount to what Liam Neissen did in the Phantom Menace. I just hope Harrison takes out the ear-ring.

Hedging the bet - OK this may be a great movie. And I don't think it will be bad, it will simply be a letdown. So look for me in line opening day, as I'm a sucker for the great things of the 80s and can't help myself. After all, Steve and George are banking on it.

3. Garth Brooks will make a comeback. - But this time not of his own volition. How will it come about? According to Wikipedia, Garth has an exclusive contract with Wal-Mart. He said he won't record again until 2015, but that won't be soon enough for the corporate Behemoth. They will use their Chinese contacts to secretly kidnap Garth, haul him off to China and torture him with videos of gansta rap until he succumbs and returns to the US to record an album. Because he will be scarred from all that that gangter rap, he will become the first country star to begin rapping his lyrics, use the screeching record sound and take country music to urban pop heights previously thought impossible. And making Wal-Mart $BILLIONS$... at low volume prices. Yep, you heard it here. Remember this day...

4. Justin Timberlake will have an affair with Madonna and dump her, finally breaking her financial will to make music and thus finishing off her career. All I have to say about this - Justin has finally met a situation where he cannot bring "sexy back"

5. LOST [Pounding Sound] - Here is what will happen ultimately in this show. Jack and Kate with the help of Ben and Sayid will break into Faraday's Oxford lab and take 3 super-humans who can see dead people, travel through time and dodge bullets back to the island for VENGEANCE. There they will use all of the ancient Dharma fortresses to defeat the monster and the evil corporate Mr. Widmore. John Locke will die in the process while using all his powers granted by the Island. Ben will be killed by his own greed and fall into a pit of Lava like Gollum.

In the aftermath, scientists will go to the island and discover the cure for cancer, the ability to render all atomic bombs useless, and how to time travel back to previous days in a person's life. But the most stunning result will be the key to picking lottery numbers. Once this happens, people will win the lotto so much that it will be closed. As the real source of public school funding, the educational system will collapse, the rising generation will become cannibals; and consequently, not solve global warming and the earth will be flooded by icebergs. Then Kevin Costner's vision of Water World will become a reality. I don't remember how that movie ended (because I shut it off) so you'll have to tell me how it ends. (I'm amazed you read this far....)

6. 2008 NBA Champions...THE SAN ANTONIO SPURS!!! [collective anguished screaming] Yes, I hate to think of it, but TBF (the Big Fundamental) and Co. are just too tough in the playoffs. Here's why:

Rockets - No Yao. Lakers - not mean enough. Utah - can't win on the road. Dallas - can't beat a winning team. Hornets - too young, not enough post-season experience. Suns - Shaq will be a liability. Nuggets - not making the playoffs. Warriors - not playing Dallas every series. Pistons - lost eye of the Tiger. Cavs -Bron-Bron can't carry EVERYTHING. Celtics - the Universe/Karma it against that town (sorry Big Ticket). Rest of the east? JOKE. So who does that leave? The team hardly anyone wants to see win again. And that's why it will happen. Let us all lament the poor ratings in the finals and apathy that will be shown toward the game. At least some people in France and Argentina will rejoice - that AMERICANS ARE SUFFERING. Sad, but it will be true.

7. John McCain will become our next president - AND DIE. How? B.O. (Barak Obama) will win the Democratic nomination. Hillary will be so incensed that she'll put a hit out on B.O. and have him killed in October 2008. Al Gore will try to swoop in, but too late. Hillary and Bill will go to minimum security prison and proceed to have orders put out to poison McCain by degrees until he dies of what appears to be natural causes. This will leave McCain's VP in power. But who will it be???

8. Arnold Schwarzenegger will become President. I know - Schwarzenegger is blocked by Article 2, Section 1, Clause 5 of the Constitution. It reads, "No person except a natural born citizen ... shall be eligible to the office of president." The 12th Amendment says the vice president cannot be foreign-born.

But would you have believed 10 years ago that Arnold would become the "Govenator"? It seems Arnold manages to achieve his goals regardless of the odds. Perhaps an amendment to the Constitution would be approved for Arnold. But this has a deeper implication.

If Arnold rises to the presidency, he could be: THE ANTICHRIST.

Don't believe me? Check this out:

http://www.scatteredsheep.com/perilous_times/antichrist/schwarzenegger/arnold_schwarzenegger.htm

So basically, my final prediction is that Arnold is the Antichrist. I challenge you to begin opposing him now, even though doing so will likely result in your death. Perhaps you are now wishing you didn't ready my blog, because you are now accountable for the knowledge of the future you have gained from me. Sorry. Its tough to be one of my very, very few readers. Have a nice day and enjoy the future I have painted for you.

Swine & The Harmonic Connection

Crack your knuckles and get out your popcorn, its snooty-review time! In this latest installment of my neo-con perspective on film, I'm about to tell you about two movies that have flown under the radar in the last year. While both films are considered flops and were not well reviewed, I'm going to tell you why I liked them regardless of the economics and raised pinkie-fingered people.

Let me first say that I think both movies could earn my Mother's rarely awarded rating of "W" - for Wholesome. She has not seen these movies, but doubtless would approve of my estimation of her opinion. This in no way means the films are dull or for kids, they just happen to appropriately be for everyone. Both films have odd-ball protagonists, trouble with parents and great soundtracks. So as the Monty Python people would say, "Just get on with it!!!"

AUGUST RUSH

This is a "fanciful" film about a boy who can hear music in everything and was separated from his parents at birth. He dreams of being reunited with them and can feel them in the music that he hears everywhere. Reality is suspended often in this movie during these musical sequences and I found this to be fresh and enjoyable from both visual and auditory perspectives. The plot and screenplay are relatively weak, but the musical sequences are brilliant. The boy who plays August Rush does a phenomenal job displaying the joy of music. I was also pleased that many forms of music such as classical, rock, blues and new-age were in the movie. There isn't much point in talking more about the plot, actors or the story itself. This is a movie to watch and HEAR. I reckon it will show up in music classes across the country on music appreciation day.

SDCMADdog says:

"If you can get past the fact that the protagonist is a bastard love child, created by the opening scene's one-night stand, this is a wholesome Dickensian tale. For musicians this is their top gun, the ultimate tribute to music overcoming all odds. If you are dating an aspiring musician take them to this movie you are guaranteed to get lucky.( although if they were smart you would have to be talented musically as well-- so the spawn created would be another Mozart) It's like Donny and Marie procreated to create the ubermusican, the ultimate child prodigy in classical and pop music, madana and yo-yo ma combined ( mo-do?), world domination is his next goal!"

PENELOPE

This is a movie has nothing to do with the chick that Ulysses fought for. Actually, its almost the opposite. The story revolves around a blue-blood girl cursed by a witch to have a pig nose due to some family indiscretion that occurred generations ago. In order to break the curse she has to get one of her own kind to marry her and she goes through just about every available suitor in the kingdom. The story appears to be set in a quasi London/New York and both accents are present. Often this works, but sometimes it can get somewhat confusing. This movie feels a lot like "Big Fish" from Tim Burton and Christina Ricci fits the melancholy fairytale protagonist role well.

One item in the plot gave me knots in my stomach. The suitor who agrees to marry Penelope will receive an outrageous dowry. That's right - DOWRY. It sounds cool to a young man and his folks, but horrible to a father with multiple daughters. The oppressed father in this movie not only got a pig-faced daughter, but has to shell out half his fortune to marry her off. OUCH. The cast were actually quite good, however the screen play muddles up the storyline a bit. Not a big deal. Perhaps I liked the score the most, which I think carried the movie in several sequences. All of the usual romantic comedy trappings are present in this film, but what's wrong with feel-good cinema? There was enough variety/fairy tale suspension of reality to get past all that. Overall, I was engaged most of the time and there were plenty of good laughs. It has a good moral for people of all ages and genders and should be an enjoyable way to waste some time.

Passport to Cabo

HOLA!!! Julie and I recently had a wonderful vacation in Cabo San Lucas or "Cabo" to the common spring break party hound. The trip was filled with sun, rough sand and good friends. But the true story of this adventure lies in getting there.

It all started back in January when my company announced to my brother with a message in a bottle that I had qualified for the trip. Unfortunately, they didn't contact me quickly and by the time I got my salt filled bottle with a weather worn message and drink umbrella, Julie and I had to apply for "express" service passports. Now the fun gets started - the following is the "short, SHORT version of what happened."

It started off like any other application, we gathered our birth certificates, went to the post office and paid through the nose for our processing fees as I shed bitter victimized tears. I got my passport in about 1 week, however, Julie's was delayed. Finally, she got a letter stating that her birth certificate was an informational copy and didn't have the embossed seal which would really prove she had been born. She was instructed to get the right copy and send it in pronto. She contacted her ever-able mother who promptly went to the county recorder's office in San Diego to get the document, however it was not on file. Nor was it to be found several days later after a search of records in Sacramento. By this time, we only had a couple of weeks remaining before the trip and needless to say, we were quite stressed out. In fact, let's take a breather and look at the coastline of our destination below (yes, I actually took that picture!!!):

The passport people said to have Sacramento fax a copy of a letter stating that the search came up dry, and they would go ahead with the application. WRONG. We got another letter later that week saying that didn't cut it and we'd have to send in more documentation. So we sent baptismal records, marriage certificate, etc. The Friday before we had to leave, we finally got a helpful person on the phone (you can't talk to them directly, they have an answering service that forwards messages to the actual workers ) who said she still wasn't approved, but set up an appointment for us the following Monday, where we could plead our case. This helpful lady offered up some advice, that still baffles me. She suggested that to prove Julie is who she claims to be, all she would have to do is produce a high-school yearbook, point to the picture and say: "That's me!"

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!!!! I'm sure this lady had her had over the microphone laughing the whole time telling her co-worker that, "I got another one to believe it!!" But why not??? I still look like I did in High school - or at least there is a vague similarity to John Felcher from 12th grade English. This was the most pathetic, bogus-cockamamia-hair brained-worthless suggestion ever handed out by a government employee. I'm going to show up at the airport with my year-book and try to get through security. I'll get them to look past all the "Fletch - stay cool and have a good summer" signatures and verify from the glorious fountain of all truth - my yearbook, that I am who I say I am. Despite wearing a mask, the picture of Darth on the right articulates my emotions at that moment quite well.

Here is my other problem. ITS MEXICO!!! They walk over here all the time! Can't we go put money in their economy directly? But wait - Julie could be a terrorist. Just look at that mug shot. Its enough to make Dick Cheney's blood run cold. I honestly wondered if she was Pakistani when I first met her. I almost dropped the "terrorist" question before getting engaged, but I didn't want her to have to torture me to death for asking. Let me say this here and now: MY WIFE IS THE BIGGEST THREAT ON THE PLANET TO NATIONAL SECURITY. The Patriot act was invented to find her and it still hasn't worked. - And no, I'm not asking for one of you three readers to rescue me from her clutches. Perhaps you think she is a flight risk for a crime or trying to smuggle money? Trust me, she would not bother to skip the country to spend it.

But enough sarcasm. Julie went to the LA office and got a temporary permit after a brief wait of 4 hours in the asylum/application room, likely watching Montell and Maury and going mad. But at last it was done.

Finally we arrived in Cabo. It was fantastic and more expensive than the US. I'm not even sure the vaunted Mexican Vanilla is much of a deal. Go to Khols or Macy's and save your money if you need trinket jewelry. We stayed at the RIU Palace which was an all-inclusive hotel with 5 restaurants, free room service, buffet, drinks on the beach AND ALL THE ALCOHOL YOU CAN DRINK!!! I wanted to make a stop at Cabo Wabo in honor of Van Halen and Sammy Hagar, but it wasn't meant to be. I noticed that there are quite a few clubs run by old 80s metal bands, which endeared me quite a bit to the area. The town is apparently prospering and I'm happy for them. I was also pleased to add another mask to my small collection.

At the end of the trip I was toasted golden brown, fully exfoliated from being slammed on the beach by killer waves, and filled with a gratuitous amount of filthy buffet food. Yes, I had a good time. Hasta la vista and ciao.

P.S. & Dragons of Shame

My brother recently sent me this photo which effectively cut me to the core.
Metallica would say "Sad But True." However, I am undaunted and in the spirit of tremendous intestinal fortitude, I'll shall continue to blog. So I now give you my review of yet another duo/copy-cat movie and a cartoon that should not exist.

P.S. - This movie came out 3 months ago.
None of you recall this, but I bloged about the Prestige and the Illusionist in a prior post and how Hollywood seems to make 2 similar films in a short time frame. Here is my list:

The Illusionist & The Prestige
Armageddon & Deep Impact
Harry Potter & LOTR
Star Wars & Flash Gordon - That's not a stretch!!
Tombstone & Wyatt Earp
Speed & Blown Away
First Knight & Braveheart
Dark City & The Matrix
Mission to Mars & Red Planet
Pirates of the Caribbean & Master and Commander
Conspiracy Theory & Enemy of the State & Arlington Road

I recently blogged on Dan in Real Life, about a widower who falls in love during a family trip. A couple weeks ago, Jules and I saw P.S. I Love You, and it was Julie's turn to watch the wife as a surviving spouse after her husband dies of brain cancer. A great bonus for me in this movie is that it starred Gerrard Butler (Phantom of the Opera / 300), so if I ever got bored with the movie, I could just imagine the guy shouting "THIS... IS... S-P-A-R-T-A!!!" or singing "Past the Point of No Return." His Irish accent in this movie was way over the top, but I still liked it. From what I've read, this movie was panned by critics and scored 20% out of 100% on the Rotten Tomatoes meter. One critic called it, "the cinematic equivalent of a Celine Dion song." Despite it getting destroyed by people paid to watch it, it has grossed nearly $50M in the US, which is no failure and I did enjoy the movie. The movie is about the wife following instructions from random notes that her husband planned to arrive over the year after his death. Good ol morbid humor - many of the notes bring us to flashbacks where Mr. Butler gets into the movie. My favorite person in this was Harry Connick Jr., who had plenty of lines that cracked me up - yes, there is a cure for rudeness. I would definitely say that of the two, Dan in Real Life is the one to see, but this one is still worth a rental.

DRAGONLANCE: Dragons of Autumn Twilight
When Lord of the Rings came out many people asked me what I thought about the movies because they thought I had read the books. Close, but not quite. Dragonlance is a similar Fantasy book series that really got me into reading back in Middle School. After LOTR, I figured Dragonlance could make for some great movies. So when I heard a movie was in the making, I was fairly exited. But then I found out it would be animated, then found out it was only going to be 90 mins, then I heard it was a mix of 2D and 3D animation, then I heard the project was about to be scrapped.

So what I ended up getting was the WORST ADAPTATION EVER. Honestly, I think they ran out of money and just put this out there to try to re-coup some sunk costs without finishing. I don't know how they did it, but this cartoon looks like it was made in the late 1980s. Seriously, overall it looked that old. The 3D animation with 2D animation looked clumsy and out of place. The music was genuinely bad. The characters were wooden, shallow and the dialog was always awkward and rushed. There was waayyy too much totally unnecessary cleavage on women and the violence was quite graphic for a PG-13 rating. So have I lost hope? Pretty much. LOTR survived some really corny but at least memorable cartoons (the Hobbit) and still got made into a live-action film 30 years later. The problem is that LOTR is a classic and this is just some popular Fantasy series from the 80s. Not likely to endure.

The question I have is how does something this bad get made? Its almost as if they set out to destroy any chance of these stories ever making it to the big screen in the future. Perhaps its for the best, this film will die in obscurity and the books can live on without fear of anyone else ruining a perfectly good story.