Food Club for Women

This evening I got a steaming hot plate of cockamamia from the Boss. As her "colleagues" showed up for their monthly venture of tasting Denver, I was informed tonight's outing was not the usual visit to a new restaurant but a "planning meeting."

Seriously? A not-so-secret yet exclusive club made by women for women to taste food but not in the presence of men.

That just sounds evil. Why not just call it Food Club for Women? That's a non-threatening name us husbands can get behind. All men belong the universal Food Club for Men which has its annual high holidays during Thanksgiving and the Superbowl. Notice on those two holidays, we men get a bizarre, yet wonderful pass to eat as much as we can and not do any cooking or dishes.

So I guess the FCW strikes back at the heart of inequality by making us dudes stay home, clean and watch the children while they "taste" food with no dishes, men or responsibility. 12x per year....

Boycott 3-D Star Wars

When I was a kid, Star Wars wasn't just cool, it was AWESOME. Darth Vader was actually scary and even the Ewoks couldn't ruin Jedi. Life was good. 

Then came the re-release of the trilogy with the "special enhancements." But I was in a time capsule at the time so I did not see these movies on the big screen. Only continued thoughts about the vastness and importance of eternity BARELY kept me from going insane with jealousy within my time capsule. 

Next, I was punched in the face by the Phantom Menace. Then the Clones attacked me, until all I had on my mind was Revenge.

Now I laugh at Chad Vader, George Lucas jokes and kiddie clone wars cartoons. 

DUDE. WHERE'S MY FRANCHISE??

I refuse to let George Lucas have more of my hard earned cash for a technology that is a complete money making scam. Yes, the upcoming release of the saga in 3-D is nothing but a complete ruse to take people's hard earned cash and enrich a man who lost all his creative talent in 1984. This non-sense of Lucas making more and more money off releasing the same movies over and over again HAS GOT TO STOP!!! I WILL NOT SUPPORT IT ANY LONGER. VOTE WITH YOUR WALLETS AND MAKE THAT MAN RETREAT TO SKYWALKER RANCH FOREVER!!!

ok I'm done.

Plastic Cookies?

What comes but once a year and cannot be bought at a store? What non perishable food never lasts longer than 24 hours?

Precious Girl Scout Cookies.

In honor of these saturated wafers of unholy goodness, I now present my top 5 GSC's.

     5. Lemonades - Almost lemon barish, but not quite
     4. Trefoils - I must be getting old...
     3. Samoas - Yes, the name takes me to a tropical place with coconuts rich in fat
     2. Tagalongs - Cookie, chocolate and peanut butter. Almost as much of a winner as Star Wars in 77.
     1. Thin Mints - These will go on a future list of foods I am convinced are laced with Heroin.

At nearly 63% saturated fat, these babies could survive in my apocalyptic nightmare cannibal gang survival kit for nearly 20 years.  And who says plastics foods are bad? Even the cannibal gang members will be eating them before they eat me.

Genesis and Execution

At the beginning of this season I had some mild hopes for the Broncos. So I decided to organize a small gathering to watch the game. I knew they were not a good team, but I was excited for the return of football and had my hopes crushed by the Raiders. I vowed to never host another game the rest of the season. So at the end of the season, I thought I could dodge my oath by getting someone else to host the game. But once again, my team gets pasted when two or more are gathered in their name.

Here is a clip from the game in case you missed it. You need to watch to the end for the full effect of what happened tonight.

Let's face it. Everybody hates the Patriots almost as much as Ivan Drago and his supermodel wife and the jerk pulling his strings.

"THROW THE TOWEL! THROW THE DAMN TOWEL!!" John Fox should have got out the lacy-pink panties hidden in his sock midway into the 3rd quarter and thrown them on the field and forfeited the game. But NOOOOooooooo. We had to sit through to the bitter end because the fourth quarter is "Tebow Time." Apparently when the other team is prepared and uninjured, the Broncos are one of the worst teams in football... lying on the floor bloody and dead.

At first I wanted to wash my mouth out with Listerine. Next the Boss asks me to make a run to Walgreens. While in the store I considered purchasing an enema kit.

If it dies, it dies. I was entertained and now its time to face reality. I'm never organizing another Broncos event as long as I live.

Artsy Fartsy Critic Time

To some of you, the movies I watch are dreadful. Well, its more like all of you. So whether you are planning to "Neanderthal" someone or just waste your time watching lame or high-brow cinema, here are some notes on a few films I've seen in recent memory.

Quick observation before we get started. If reviews of a film focus more on the director than the plot or the actors, you know you are watching an "artsy-fartsy" film.

Certified Copy - This flick was made by Abbas Kiarostami (some Iranian dude) staring Ms. Binoche (the original not the copy = Julia Ormond / if you watch this movie only then will you get this pathetic joke) and some British dude. Its an art-house film so naturally its difficult to explain and fascinating to watch people talk for 90 minutes with no apparent resolution. I'd prefer you go into it cold so it messes with your head. Of course I loved it and highly recommend it.

Another Earth - [Note to Self: Gravity does not matter] Don't let the title trick you into thinking this is a sci-fi film. Its all about loneliness, regret, and the possibility of who you could be. This won the Sundance film festival so I naturally wanted to watch it just because it won. I like winners. I also liked this movie. Maybe not the best ever, but interesting and the saw musical sequence was brilliant. You will also notice that Ethan from Lost can't seem to act without being asked to strangle someone. Typecast for life. Nine thumbs up - thank you Homer.  

Warrior - So this isn't high-brow, its the antithesis... HUMAN COCK FIGHTING!!! If you liked Rocky, this MMA fest should be up your alley and make you want to work out in chains with dogs and death metal... or Bach? I actually found it to be a well made movie and could hardly breathe during the last 10 minutes. A fantastic way to waste time while watching people beat each other to a bloody pulp. SDMA Mad Dog should be ashamed if he has not seen this already. I want him to do color commentary on the sequel. Or just record himself commenting on this movie. I'll play it back while watching and pay him $5.00 for his efforts. He can then re-sell it on E-bay 10,000 times for a hefty profit, providing he doesn't get flamed out.

The Tree of Life - Many critics have this as their top movie of 2011. It is non-linear. The plot is almost non-existent. There are multiple scenes of outer-space and dinosaurs mixed in with a family in Texas from the 1950 who suffers the loss of a child. Of course I loved it!! Let me just say this film is intended to be art, not a typical narrative of a story. If you enjoyed Baraka, then this is up your alley. For the LDS crowd, this film has elements of the macro or cosmos and then breaks its meaning down to a family and how grace and nature are at odds with each other. Sound like a movie you have seen over and over again? OK - Its not really the same thing at all, I'm just trying to get you to watch this. If anything the visuals are stunning. If you can go to a museum, look at art and trying to get some meaning from it, then you can do the same thing here.

Soylent Green - I know. I know. I have no life. I watched this after discovering it starred the Great Charleston Heston. This was high-brow or activist propaganda at one time so it belongs in this post. Considering the movie is supposed to take place in 2022, the unintentional comedy was tremendous. Its actually not that bad of a movie if you can laugh with it. The suicide parlor at the end is both touching and humorous. - Yes, I am a sick individual. And of course, I raised my hand at the end and shouted with Moses: SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!!!

Now go dupe someone else into watching these movies.

Miracles or Injuries?

I'm elated over the Broncos win today. I'm keeping my promise to just be entertained by Tebow and ride the gravy train as long as it runs. However, it seems like all of our miracles come against teams fighting with one hand  tied behind their back. Here is the breakdown on the wins with Tebow under center this year:

Week 7 - Dolphins: This was a bizarre pseudo home game for Tebow with the Gators being honored. Home team didn't get the 12th Man.

Week 9 - Raiders: Carson Palmer starts after recent trade and no McFadden who absolutely roasts our D.

Week 9 - Chiefs: Legit and absolutely hideous win with only 2 completed passes. Broncos become a joke around the NFL.

Week 11 - Jets: LT missing, Jet's rushing attack not what it normally would be.

Week 12 - Chargers: I don't recall any major injuries for the Chargers, they just choked against us multiple times. Lucky to get the win. Von Miller is officially a stud.

Week 13 - Vikings: No Adrian Peterson? That guy is a mythical beast.

Week 14 - Bears: No Cutler or Forte (top rusher). It still takes an astonishing beyond all measure sequence of events to win, earning Tebow a SNL spoof.

Week 18 - Steelers: Rothlisberger plays on one leg, top running back down, top tackler missing from defense not to mention half the starting D-line. Tebow has his best game ever. This combo allows for a history making OT win with an incredible play by Demerius Thomas (that draft pick doesn't seem like such a bust anymore...)

All but two wins came against teams with some serious problems. I'm thrilled our .500 team won a playoff game, but don't believe the hype that this team is for real. [unless Divine Will intercedes]

Prediction for next week: Our run defense will continue to get gashed and we still can't cover those TE's. It was great to have so much gravy when the boat seemed empty, but the last meager drops will not drown a hungry NE biscuit.

Top Sports Guy Cartoons

Some of you may know Bill Simmons from ESPN. But you may not know about his quick hit cartoons from the mid 2000s. Enjoy.



I especially loved the dynamite on the leg.



Best comedy on network TV. Bar. None.



Thank goodness the Boss does not watch the Bachelor or any of its sub-incarnations.