Swine & The Harmonic Connection

Crack your knuckles and get out your popcorn, its snooty-review time! In this latest installment of my neo-con perspective on film, I'm about to tell you about two movies that have flown under the radar in the last year. While both films are considered flops and were not well reviewed, I'm going to tell you why I liked them regardless of the economics and raised pinkie-fingered people.

Let me first say that I think both movies could earn my Mother's rarely awarded rating of "W" - for Wholesome. She has not seen these movies, but doubtless would approve of my estimation of her opinion. This in no way means the films are dull or for kids, they just happen to appropriately be for everyone. Both films have odd-ball protagonists, trouble with parents and great soundtracks. So as the Monty Python people would say, "Just get on with it!!!"

AUGUST RUSH

This is a "fanciful" film about a boy who can hear music in everything and was separated from his parents at birth. He dreams of being reunited with them and can feel them in the music that he hears everywhere. Reality is suspended often in this movie during these musical sequences and I found this to be fresh and enjoyable from both visual and auditory perspectives. The plot and screenplay are relatively weak, but the musical sequences are brilliant. The boy who plays August Rush does a phenomenal job displaying the joy of music. I was also pleased that many forms of music such as classical, rock, blues and new-age were in the movie. There isn't much point in talking more about the plot, actors or the story itself. This is a movie to watch and HEAR. I reckon it will show up in music classes across the country on music appreciation day.

SDCMADdog says:

"If you can get past the fact that the protagonist is a bastard love child, created by the opening scene's one-night stand, this is a wholesome Dickensian tale. For musicians this is their top gun, the ultimate tribute to music overcoming all odds. If you are dating an aspiring musician take them to this movie you are guaranteed to get lucky.( although if they were smart you would have to be talented musically as well-- so the spawn created would be another Mozart) It's like Donny and Marie procreated to create the ubermusican, the ultimate child prodigy in classical and pop music, madana and yo-yo ma combined ( mo-do?), world domination is his next goal!"

PENELOPE

This is a movie has nothing to do with the chick that Ulysses fought for. Actually, its almost the opposite. The story revolves around a blue-blood girl cursed by a witch to have a pig nose due to some family indiscretion that occurred generations ago. In order to break the curse she has to get one of her own kind to marry her and she goes through just about every available suitor in the kingdom. The story appears to be set in a quasi London/New York and both accents are present. Often this works, but sometimes it can get somewhat confusing. This movie feels a lot like "Big Fish" from Tim Burton and Christina Ricci fits the melancholy fairytale protagonist role well.

One item in the plot gave me knots in my stomach. The suitor who agrees to marry Penelope will receive an outrageous dowry. That's right - DOWRY. It sounds cool to a young man and his folks, but horrible to a father with multiple daughters. The oppressed father in this movie not only got a pig-faced daughter, but has to shell out half his fortune to marry her off. OUCH. The cast were actually quite good, however the screen play muddles up the storyline a bit. Not a big deal. Perhaps I liked the score the most, which I think carried the movie in several sequences. All of the usual romantic comedy trappings are present in this film, but what's wrong with feel-good cinema? There was enough variety/fairy tale suspension of reality to get past all that. Overall, I was engaged most of the time and there were plenty of good laughs. It has a good moral for people of all ages and genders and should be an enjoyable way to waste some time.

Passport to Cabo

HOLA!!! Julie and I recently had a wonderful vacation in Cabo San Lucas or "Cabo" to the common spring break party hound. The trip was filled with sun, rough sand and good friends. But the true story of this adventure lies in getting there.

It all started back in January when my company announced to my brother with a message in a bottle that I had qualified for the trip. Unfortunately, they didn't contact me quickly and by the time I got my salt filled bottle with a weather worn message and drink umbrella, Julie and I had to apply for "express" service passports. Now the fun gets started - the following is the "short, SHORT version of what happened."

It started off like any other application, we gathered our birth certificates, went to the post office and paid through the nose for our processing fees as I shed bitter victimized tears. I got my passport in about 1 week, however, Julie's was delayed. Finally, she got a letter stating that her birth certificate was an informational copy and didn't have the embossed seal which would really prove she had been born. She was instructed to get the right copy and send it in pronto. She contacted her ever-able mother who promptly went to the county recorder's office in San Diego to get the document, however it was not on file. Nor was it to be found several days later after a search of records in Sacramento. By this time, we only had a couple of weeks remaining before the trip and needless to say, we were quite stressed out. In fact, let's take a breather and look at the coastline of our destination below (yes, I actually took that picture!!!):

The passport people said to have Sacramento fax a copy of a letter stating that the search came up dry, and they would go ahead with the application. WRONG. We got another letter later that week saying that didn't cut it and we'd have to send in more documentation. So we sent baptismal records, marriage certificate, etc. The Friday before we had to leave, we finally got a helpful person on the phone (you can't talk to them directly, they have an answering service that forwards messages to the actual workers ) who said she still wasn't approved, but set up an appointment for us the following Monday, where we could plead our case. This helpful lady offered up some advice, that still baffles me. She suggested that to prove Julie is who she claims to be, all she would have to do is produce a high-school yearbook, point to the picture and say: "That's me!"

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!!!! I'm sure this lady had her had over the microphone laughing the whole time telling her co-worker that, "I got another one to believe it!!" But why not??? I still look like I did in High school - or at least there is a vague similarity to John Felcher from 12th grade English. This was the most pathetic, bogus-cockamamia-hair brained-worthless suggestion ever handed out by a government employee. I'm going to show up at the airport with my year-book and try to get through security. I'll get them to look past all the "Fletch - stay cool and have a good summer" signatures and verify from the glorious fountain of all truth - my yearbook, that I am who I say I am. Despite wearing a mask, the picture of Darth on the right articulates my emotions at that moment quite well.

Here is my other problem. ITS MEXICO!!! They walk over here all the time! Can't we go put money in their economy directly? But wait - Julie could be a terrorist. Just look at that mug shot. Its enough to make Dick Cheney's blood run cold. I honestly wondered if she was Pakistani when I first met her. I almost dropped the "terrorist" question before getting engaged, but I didn't want her to have to torture me to death for asking. Let me say this here and now: MY WIFE IS THE BIGGEST THREAT ON THE PLANET TO NATIONAL SECURITY. The Patriot act was invented to find her and it still hasn't worked. - And no, I'm not asking for one of you three readers to rescue me from her clutches. Perhaps you think she is a flight risk for a crime or trying to smuggle money? Trust me, she would not bother to skip the country to spend it.

But enough sarcasm. Julie went to the LA office and got a temporary permit after a brief wait of 4 hours in the asylum/application room, likely watching Montell and Maury and going mad. But at last it was done.

Finally we arrived in Cabo. It was fantastic and more expensive than the US. I'm not even sure the vaunted Mexican Vanilla is much of a deal. Go to Khols or Macy's and save your money if you need trinket jewelry. We stayed at the RIU Palace which was an all-inclusive hotel with 5 restaurants, free room service, buffet, drinks on the beach AND ALL THE ALCOHOL YOU CAN DRINK!!! I wanted to make a stop at Cabo Wabo in honor of Van Halen and Sammy Hagar, but it wasn't meant to be. I noticed that there are quite a few clubs run by old 80s metal bands, which endeared me quite a bit to the area. The town is apparently prospering and I'm happy for them. I was also pleased to add another mask to my small collection.

At the end of the trip I was toasted golden brown, fully exfoliated from being slammed on the beach by killer waves, and filled with a gratuitous amount of filthy buffet food. Yes, I had a good time. Hasta la vista and ciao.