Bruce, Jeff Holland, The Last Jedi & Jerome - Pt 4

This is the last in my 4 part series. I've known what I wanted to say for awhile now, but its tough to say so I've been putting it off. Let's talk about what happened to Luke in the Last Jedi.

Prior to this episode the last time we see Luke, he's a triumphant Jedi who just defeated all the evil in his life and is ready to build a new future. He's unstoppable, he's tough, wise and going to forge a peaceful future for the galaxy.

Fans like me read fan fiction about him becoming stupid powerful later in life. But the reality Luke gets in The Last Jedi is much less ideal. Some good years; followed by failure and exile, turning his back on everything. Some fans were understandably outraged their hero was brought low.

While I wouldn't have complained about a movie where Luke would be outrageously powerful; the realities of raising the next generation are more grey and complex than just battling your own monsters. Luke came up against the monster you can't kill: someone else's freedom of choice.

As I understand it...  Ben (Kylo) had been corrupted by Snoke and sent to Luke by Leah and Han to save him. And in a moment of weakness; he wanted to be that monster slaying hero one more time and almost chose to kill Ben. But this just pushed Ben into darkness further. Kylo then kills off his students; burns down the house and Luke decides its best to stop trying so damn hard.

People are flawed and the Force will be just fine without Jedi trying to keep all these rules and codes that just lead to failure, misery and unhappiness.

Any of this sound familiar in real life? 

I came home from my mission; got married and thought I was on top of the world. Slayed my monsters, ready to build my own empire of peace and justice. I thought I could do this just as well as some general authority... I was wrong. I bought into a couple of lies that crippled me and slowly wore me down to look and act just like Luke.

Many men in my culture and most in general have an understanding that they are responsible for 3 things (the 3 P's) in their life and family:

• Provide
• Protect
• Preside

Like anything, a lack or excess of any of these things can lead to a tremendous amount of heartache. But the lie above is that item 3 is wrong. Lie #1:

"Following the 3 P's means you are fulfilling your purpose in life"

False. My family doesn't need me to preside like some patriarchal monarch with the last word and the golden compass leading us to the promised land. God sets the direction and the commandments. Leadership to follow must be shared with your wife and done in unity. What your family and wife really need are:

• Provide
• Protect
• Be Present

Most of the tragedies told about fathers is that they were never around, present, engaged, available, vulnerable. This applies physically, emotionally and spiritually. Heck Kylo Ren cites this as his major disappointment in his father. No wonder he goes all nuts with hatred when Luke abandons him and the rest of the Galaxy as well! 

I've always wanted to Be Present with my family, but I let Providing get out of control because I bought into a sinister lie that I've heard time and time again but never realized I was doing it. Lie #2: 

"You can buy anything in this world with money."

Deep down, I thought if I made enough money; one day I could afford to be fully present with my wife, family and friends. 

I thought that showing up at the critical moments and appointed times was good enough, but my family and friends could feel the stress rolling off me in waves. I was exhausted, unhappy and sarcastic. Even if that guy is around, do you really want him around? Shoot I didn't even want him around. I don't think I ever truly got suicidal, but I began to think the only honorable way to slow down and be happy and still provide (buy anything in this world with money) would require my death and life insurance. Car crash, plane going down, whatever. But I know what its like to grow up without a father and I'm not going to do that to my kids. 

So yeah, I'll admit it. I was and still am scared to be vulnerable. To possibly not have enough "power to do anything" and spend actual large amounts of time as plain ol me with my wife and kids. Would they still love me if I wasn't providing the power to do everything? They said that was true for years but I was too scared to truly listen and change. Its taken some very difficult choices by Jules to get me to wake up and realize how far gone I'd become. 

A bitter old man, working on an island, emotionally and spiritually isolated from everyone because I think I'm doing them a favor by providing them money without all the messiness my personality brings to the situation. I felt the same way about my parents. They were so busy with so many important and righteous things that it was just better if I gave them what I thought they wanted and got out of the way. This led to Lie #3:

"Being absent is giving the people you are closest to the best gift of all; freedom." 

Wow. That is one sad core belief. 

I'm sorry brought that baggage into my own marriage and family. I've repeated so many mistakes I saw in others that I swore I'd never make. 

Luke woke up from the lies he allowed to become core beliefs and made some sacrifices to finally be present in the lives of people he should have been there for. Yeah, I shed a tear or two when I watched him die, staring into that beautiful sunset knowing he had changed, no matter the cost, to right those wrongs, show the people closest to him that he really loved them and be at peace. 

Likewise, I have that choice in my present state state of affairs. A gift. An opportunity to slow down, risk not having "power" in favor of authentic time in the lives of those most precious to me. No strings attached. Just enjoying the precious gift that is my God given life. It won't be perfect, but it will be enough and I'll be at peace. 

Bruce, Jeff Holland, The Last Jedi & Jerome - Pt 3

One thing in the last year that has really hit home with me is how I treat my children. I've never hit them, but I've done my share of yelling and loss of temper. This personal talk from Elder Holland really hit home with me that even future Apostles struggle to leave the cares of the day at the work and be kind when they get home. But I hope that I can always hold them within the clasp of my arms as discussed below:



One hard lesson I learned early on in life is that its hard to grow up and even be an adult later on in life without your father. I love my kids more than anything on this planet and want to make sure they will never be asked to do things alone.

You might think this is a complaint against my Heavenly Father for taking my dad away from me when I was 15. But its quite the opposite. I know with a surety more powerful than any of my five senses that my dad is very much alive, loves me and from time to time has been with me in good times and bad.

“You should not have left him alone to do this difficult thing. It would not have been asked of you.”

And so I will not leave my kids alone to do difficult things. I know my dad has been with me; especially in recent days. This gives me hope that there is something better in the life to come and no matter what; the cost of the journey in this life will be worth it in the end.

Bruce, Jeff Holland, The Last Jedi & Jerome - Pt 2

Vincent / Jerome

In my recent soul searching and at other times in the past I keep coming back to the film Gattaca. Go look it up if you are not familiar or watch it. Good... I've always felt a kinship with Vincent and Jerome. Underprivileged vs. over-privileged, humble / proud, optimistic / defeated, can be good enough / never will be good enough. Both smart, gifted, attractive and capable, but leading very different lives. No Support vs. the Burden of Perfection. These two men struggle with overwhelming and seemingly impossible expectations from their families, colleagues and society. One will prevail, one will die. Here is the clip from the end of the movie:

I can relate to both of these guys and I think the film intends us to see them as two faces of the same person. I've often felt overwhelming sadness and grief for Jerome crawling into that incinerator, hanging the millstone of his silver medals around his neck and burning alive to end his pain. 

But that's not all that's going on here. Yes, it may seem like a tragic or cowardly end, but I also think its suggestive of step I have to take with the part of myself that is Jerome. He needs to be consumed so the better half of him can live. But I mourn him and grieve for him. I wish it could have been different for him, he wanted get it right so badly but failed. I feel his pain at failing to measure up and make his parents and society proud of him. That he never found happiness for himself. And due to this pain he resorted to lying, cheating, hiding and pretending to be someone else to finally feel like he mattered and was good enough. Sad, but we all have to let go of our doubts, failings and the expectations of others to really let our humble, positive and talented selves shine and move onto a happier state of being. Like Vincent, I can look back on the part of me that I had to give up to God's refining fire, with some measure of gratitude for what he taught me, but with the knowledge I'm now a new man.

No longer 40.  

Bruce, Jeff Holland, The Last Jedi & Jerome - Pt 1

I don't write much anymore. Just got into the site I noticed the following trend of rising and then falling posts per year. What does all of this mean?

• It takes 11 years for me to cycle through a fad? 
• Years that I became increasingly happy/thin then sad/fat? 
• Rise and fall of blogging? (don't laugh I was late to the party)
• The impact of money on my happiness as I reached a point of diminishing returns in 2013 and then watched my life plumet? 
• Maybe I just thought I was getting old and had nothing left to say.  

From the Preacher (Ecclesiastes 1:12-18) 

"I the Preacher was king over Israel in Jerusalem. And I gave my heart to seek and search out by wisdom concerning all things that are done under heaven: this sore travail hath God given to the sons of man to be exercised therewith. I have seen all the works that are done under the sun; and, behold, all is vanity and vexation of spirit. That which is crooked cannot be made straight: and that which is wanting cannot be numbered.

I communed with mine own heart, saying, Lo, I am come to great estate, and have gotten more wisdom than all they that have been before me in Jerusalem: yea, my heart had great experience of wisdom and knowledge. And I gave my heart to know wisdom, and to know madness and folly: I perceived that this also is vexation of spirit. For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow."

Since turning 40 last April I feel like my life has come undone. The harder I've tried to make things better the worse they've become. Now I've pushed things to the point where just about everything I ever thought I cared about and believed in seems like its going to either leave, change for the worse or become poisoned. But in my hubris I thought:  

I've become an angry kid fed up with life who turned 40; stormed into the room filled with all his crushing expectations and announced "I'm tired of not feeling worthy. I should be enough! I'm done trying. I've got nothing to lose. I'm a man!! I'm 40." But instead the following months have manhandled me into a seat to hear: 

"Guys from your world have so 'much' to lose. Now, you think that because your daddy died while you were young, you know about the ugly side of life? But you don't. You've never tasted desperate. You're a privileged white male, a Prince of Opportunity; you'd have to go a thousand miles to meet someone who didn't think you had every advantage in life. So, don't come down here with your anger, trying to prove something to yourself. This is a world you'll never understand. And you always fear what you don't understand."

So now I wallow, brooding over my past, locked up with my fear, insecurity and resentment; trying to beat them to death while my thrashings just hurt the people around me...

A petulant 40-year old is just a fool lost in the scramble for his own gratification . He can be divorced, estranged or lose all his possessions. But...  

Which is? ... I honestly don't know. Yet. 

More Blood & Ankles

Wow. I don't know what to say. Maybe I'm getting old or don't want to preserve a Horcrux with much of me over 40 in it... but I must chronicle the assault on Bierstadt.

Mt. Beard-Stats

Chad Viesturs invited me to make a campaign for the summit and I answered the call on October 28, 2017. I planned on cold, but alas was quite unprepared. No gloves, no long socks, no balaclava. I brought much shame to the house of Eagle.

But fortunately our fearless leader was crazy prepared with gloves and facial gear. All this helped, but as we got over 13,000 ft; the snow drifts became deeper and my exposed ankles began to take a beating.

So why didn't I turn around? First, I was there for fun and no stupid bloody ankles would ruin it. Second, pride. Third, stupidity. Fourth, I was working hard so I seemed warm at the time. Fifth, numbness led me to believe I was in better shape than I was. Needless to say, it was metal.

So I thought I'd just shrug it off, but no such luck. Blisters turned to open sores and soon I couldn't wear regular shoes. Behold the pictures and damage!!

How I rock at Church. 

Playa Del Carmen Meets My Dad Bod

White. Sandy. Beaches.

The Boss has said these words over and over again when describing the ideal vacation. Last week we finally made it to the Atlantic side of Mexico, at a resort near Playa Del Carmen. As usual, the woman who acts as the Liahona or Director in my life guided us right (even if I never give heed or pay attention).

BTW - My slideshow is near the bottom if you don't want to read any of this fried froth. 

We stayed at Ocean Riviera Paradise, an all-inclusive resort. The beach was incredible. The first two days were surreal with crystal clear turquoise water. We Kayaked in the ocean, para-sailed and snorkeled.  While snorkeling, I came upon a school of fish that must have been in the thousands. If you'd just float, they would encircle you and it was absolutely beautiful to be surrounded by them. Later, we visited the Tulum Ruins and Xel-Ha park, and did cliff diving, an obstacle course, lazy river and snorkeled in the natural aquarium created by the seashore. Can't recommend it all enough. Outstanding. Vacation.

Of course, everything I just said is pseudo corporate propaganda. Now, my Horcrux will give you the uncensored takes on the rest of this trip.

• Fairly international crowd. Plenty of Americans but many visitors from all over the world. Created an interesting scene and way more Speedos on dudes than I would have liked. Also, many of the women there rocked the thong or g-string look and were surprisingly able to pull it off (although many didn't). My group seemed like a wandering Mennonite faction on vacation. Usually when I go to the beach its a reminder why most of us cover-up. But kudos to this crowd, they made me feel like crap. 
• All Inclusive resorts mean all food and drink are included with the cost of your stay. Unfortunately for those of us who don't do alcohol, I think I must have SORELY overpaid as liquor is usually the priciest thing on the menu. The food was surprisingly good with seven themed restaurants and was way better than the "Frat-style" all inclusive place I stayed at in Cabo which was mostly just about the drinks. The best was the incredulous reactions from the staff when you tell them you don't want Alcohol. I mastered the art of asking for drinks without booze. My favorite was the virgin mint mojito. 
• Be prepared to tip. A TON.  I haven't carried that much cash since my college days. Make it rain baby!!! 
  
• Dollars. In my dry climate, they just seem like paper, down there, they feel like wet cloth. Nothing like sweaty cash soaking a spot in your pocket. 
• Don't drink the flipping water. This includes ice.  The cliche is absolutely true. Fortunately, I got sick on the last day and didn't destroy the plane, but I'm now on day 3 of a stomach virus and I've lost any weight I gained... the hard way. IT BURNS!!! I think I got it from fruit or some salad, but what's done is done. Mexico giveth, and taketh away. 
• If you go in May, prepare to sweat. Constantly. I'm not a humidity person and I tried to enjoy it for what it was, but I was ready to come home to my dry climate and continue my wrinkly ways. 
• Pepsi Light is a sad replacement for Diet Coke. Don't even think about Diet Dew. The room service though I was strait insane when I asked for 4 Pepsi Lights to be delivered to my room. "No Tequila? No Beer?" The guy was stunned and just laughed the whole time. 
• The Breakfast of Champions? All-Bran with shredded coconut. The rest including the omelettes were too greasy. 
• The A/C in your room becomes this wonderful arctic lair to retreat to. I was actually relieved I need to get some work done here and there and hang out in the room. 
• I suck at sunbathing. I can't get an even tan (burn) and people just laugh when they see me with my shirt over my face like a dead beached whale. 
• Thanks to everyone being nearly naked, you feel like a perv just walking around. I can't seem to escape that creepy-middle-aged dude aura. 
• Mexican TV is utterly terrible. What can I say more? 
• By the end, I couldn't help the compulsion to speak in Spanglish constantly. I couldn't stop it until today. I'm like Buzz Light-year on Spanish mode when I go down there. I need Ramses or professional help. 
• This region is well known to spring breakers for wet t-shirt competitions, etc. I was hoping to find a dad-bod competition I could win. I currently have the perfect ratio of man-boob to gut and I know I would have nailed it. But apparently, its not a thing down there. And yes, Dad Bod is legit and some women love it: 

DAD BOD IS FOR REAL 

The best part about this trip? I feel totally refreshed. Curly from City Slickers was full of crap with this quote: 

“Y’all come up here about the same time with the same problems. You spend 50 weeks a year getting knots in your rope and you think 2 weeks up here will untie them for you. None of you get it.”

My Dwight side says - False. I do get it. My one thing Curly?

After working my tail off for a month prior to the trip, non-stop laziness was perfection. It also helps to have a Boss that does all of the planning. Division of Labor. Feeling it. All things circular.

If you read this far, you must be my mom, blood or one of the Mennonites that were there.

Or you could be suffering from the same diarrhea and have nothing better to read during your throne time. If that is the case, I feel your pain, but don't let it stop you from going back. Here are some photos from the trip:

The Vacation of Champions

As you know I avoid putting names on this blog so ask me on the side if you want to know who these lovely pale people are. Until next time, Via con queso!!

P.S.

"I told him I did not know what they called it, but I would give it a name; I will call it fried froth, or philosophy, just which you please." - Brigham Young

Letter to My Daughters as LDS Women

Girls,

After a wonderful road trip with Lizard, I realized I should be doing more to share with you my perspective on what a unique blessing it is be a Latter-Day Saint woman. I love each of you deeply and want you to live life to its full and have joy in it. Unfortunately, challenges are on the horizon for you. Much fuss has been made and will continue to be made over the role of women in our faith. You may hear that women are treated poorly as second class citizens, with no authority in the Church. Some may criticize the Church of valuing women only for their virtue and ability to bear children. Like breeding stock with no rights, purpose or genuine importance. This is a gross perversion of the doctrines contained within God's plan.

Some women, men and groups advocate for women to be ordained to the priesthood to compensate for these perceived injustices or to justify themselves in leaving the faith or indulging in sin. Perhaps one day you will struggle with this topic or feel like a second class citizen. If so, I'm sorry for your pain. I can appreciate why you might feel that way. But, I'd like to share some things with you that are unique to our faith regarding women and how they surpass all teachings I am aware of in any organized religion on the role, purpose and potential of women.

For me, these truths are an essential part of my testimony that God's plan exalts men and women as they become united in marriage and one with God. All blessings of this union being equal. What follows is my opinion as I understand the doctrine and how it applies to you:

• You, specifically as a female, are created in the image of God. Genesis 1:26-27 Our whole concept of God is unique in that we believe the only way to be like God is for a man and a woman to be sealed together, with the power to create life throughout eternity.  1 Cor 11:11, D&C 131:1-4, D/C 132:19-2, The Family: A Proclamation to the World, O My Father, v.3

• In Genesis, the verse says let us make man in our own image. This commonly is only thought to refer to Christ. But there is no such thing as God the Father without his wife or Heavenly Mother. Was she there and involved? I think so. Life is created in patterns as Genesis describes. I don't think Adam was an animated clay statue with life mystically brought into him. I think the Father and Mother consumed food from the earth they created and then brought forth Adam and Eve through the same basic process we know today.  So yes, you are literally a daughter of your Heavenly Mother.
• Why isn't this emphasized more? I don't know. My guess is that entering into this life is somewhat of a given and getting back to Exaltation is a male priesthood responsibility so the role of the Father and Son are emphasized.

• Women are divinely ordained to stewardship for the creation of life and nurturing it. We teach that when we left our first estate we passed through the veil into mortality to be tested Abr 3:25. This implies passing through the veil is to clothe the spirit with a physical body. Like a woman giving birth to a child. A favorite hymn teaches: veiled the Lord in flesh O God the Eternal Father, v.4. The ordinances of the temple clarify this further. We see that Eve naturally responded to the desire to create life as it was part of her eternal identity and purpose. But due to the fall, the Lord offers Himself a sacrifice for our sins. Through His power, bestowed to sons created in His image, the Priesthood work of Salvation -- to pass through the veil back into Exaltation is possible. 

• Hopefully you can now see how women and men fill necessarily separate, but absolutely essential roles. Both women and men are assisted by Jesus Christ to fill the measure of their creation. His atonement is symbolic of being born again by blood, water and the spirit; like a woman delivering a child. In birthing and raising children, women emulate Jesus Christ and become like Him and their Heavenly Mother. So naturally, men need a way to emulate or follow Him as well. This is done through priesthood service and why receiving the Melchizedek Priesthood is essential for exaltation to participate in the ordinances for the temple. 
• Women will become Queens and Priestesses NT Manual. To me this implies ruling, authority and the power of God (which cannot be without a unified man and woman). The power of God (man/woman) is just manifest in different ways. Daughters emulate their Mother, sons their Father or His Son. 
• Women cannot create life on their own. It requires union with a man. Now that I've discussed the sacred role of women, is it any wonder God (woman/man) wants this to happen between two souls prepared and sealed in the temple, committed to raising children in righteousness? To me, it is a plain a precious truth. A show of God's (man/woman) love for their children. Likewise, could we possibly expect men to carry out the work of salvation as Priesthood holders without participation and support from Women? Absolutely not. I think this is part of the reason why women help officiate in the temple and serve in relief society - in the pattern of Queens and Priestesses.    

• Many throughout the world in Egypt, India, South America and other religions and cultures have some concept of the Sacred Feminine as well as structures and practices that can be traced to the Temple... that were corrupted or changed over time from what God (woman/man) revealed to Adam. This is because Satan's main goal is our misery and to disrupt the work of Exaltation. What better way to do that, than to twist Men's roles as Priesthood holders into tyrants and then diminish and extinguish the knowledge of women's divine potential? Right there he has half the population slighted and abused with the other corrupted by power and greed. 

• Don't settle for the Devil's propaganda.

• Is it really all that much better to be a man in the Church? After all the stuff I just said, it should be clear the answer is no. But what about power and authority to run the church? All men are expected to listen and follow the counsel of their priesthood leaders the same way women are. Many men will never be the one calling the shots as the Bishop, Stake President or General Authority. Does that mean they weren't real men and a disgrace to the Priesthood. No! And IF they do wind up in those positions, they cannot campaign or buy their way in. They are called by inspiration and to serve those they have stewardship for. 

• Culturally, we have improved and will continue to do so. Please note this doesn't mean the doctrine changed, it means the doctrine and the Atonement have changed us as a people. Hopefully with the help of women like you emulating Christ, this will continue. 

• But what if you don't get married or can't have children? Does that mean you are less of a woman since God (woman/man) only supposedly values you for your birthing hips and reproductive capacity? No! Just as there is so much more to being a Priesthood holder than holding the office of Bishop, etc. Some men are called to that; many are not. Some women are called to be mothers of 15 kids and some are barren. But all women can support the creation of life and the nurture of it! If you are married but can't have kids, adoption may be exactly God's plan for you and those children you take into your home. They say it takes a village to raise a child. And a huge part of that is the influence, example and teaching women impart to all, not just their own kids. This is similar to how a man regardless of his Priesthood office should bless the lives of all in his path, the same way Jesus would. 

• What about polygamy? Doesn't that whole system imply favor to men and a horrible abuse to women? This is a very fair question. Some horrible things have been done and are continuing to happen from Satan inspiring men to twist this doctrine to their own gain and it makes me utterly sick. First, don't forget that the God (woman/man) of Abraham, Issac and Jacob or the 12 tribes of Israel in the bible started with a polygamist family. This practice is not new. I've met with ministers of other faiths who have admitted they can find nothing scriptural against it. Next, I suggest you read the following essay from the Church and get away from half-truths and lies about this topic: Essay on Polygamy. Remember that the Glory of God (woman/man) comes from the exaltation of their children. One man with five women can produce more children. But I honestly believe this is very difficult and only needed when the Lord sees fit. Are you going to have to share your husband after this life? I have no idea. Not all men are called to every Priesthood office and a very small percentage of men and women have called to this practice.  It may be the same after this life. Regardless, I don't believe God (woman/man) is in the habit of forcing people to do things. I have confidence it will all work out in the end. 

If you read this far, remember I love you and am proud of you, regardless of whether or not your life fits a certain mold or has all the boxed checked. I'm grateful your mom inspires me to be better and has worked so hard to raise you to be beautiful, funny, creative, and classy. She is a wonderful example of becoming who you should be. I know each of you will do great things as you live up to your divine potential. Love - Dad.